[I GIVE UP] Foreign Immigration, Wants Restoration

[Crazybloxian Empire]

Well, I guess I quit at beating NoQ’s issue record. But authoring issues is’nt about winning, it’s about having fun! And I’m having some fun with NationStates and I sure hope to get my first issue out, which will result in higher circulation for my fictional newspaper, because you know, at the end of every issue there is a link to the nation who published it. More people will recognize my nation and many more will be willing to read my newspaper. My newspaper’s main source of “reads” is that it is currently on The NewsStand. The Crazybloxian Times truck drivers go to a lot of places just to deliver newspapers.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Out of Topic: NEVER EVER REFERENCE TO ME AS CRAZYBLOX.

Bad Aussie. We must listen to Crazyblox, and not call him Crazyblox. That would be really bad.

I'm hereby committing to not calling Crazyblox by that name.

Is that agreeable to you, Crazyblox?

[Chan Island]

Don't give up by the way, just in case you're thinking about that. You have potential.

Out of Topic: NEVER EVER REFERENCE TO ME AS CRAZYBLOX.

Bad Aussie. We must listen to Crazyblox, and not call him Crazyblox. That would be really bad.

I'm hereby committing to not calling Crazyblox by that name.

Is that agreeable to you, Crazyblox?

[Crazybloxian Empire]

Out of Topic: NEVER EVER REFERENCE TO ME AS CRAZYBLOX.

Bad Aussie. We must listen to Crazyblox, and not call him Crazyblox. That would be really bad.

I'm hereby committing to not calling Crazyblox by that name.

Is that agreeable to you, Crazyblox?

Out of Topic: NEVER EVER REFERENCE TO ME AS CRAZYBLOX.

Bad Aussie. We must listen to Crazyblox, and not call him Crazyblox. That would be really bad.

I'm hereby committing to not calling Crazyblox by that name.
Stop it. You two have went off-topic when this is supposed TO be talking about my Issue draft?
Is that agreeable to you, Crazyblox?

[The Free Joy State]

Respond to the critiques you have been given, and there might be more to discuss.

[Crazybloxian Empire]

So? What are we gonna do? What do I need to do with my issue?

[Chan Island]

So? What are we gonna do? What do I need to do with my issue?

For now, a no.

Well, is this issue ok for submission now? I hope so. But SEEEEERIOUSLY, I gotta beat Nation Of Quebec’s 55 issues authored record.

Congratulations, you've earned a Chan IslandTM megapost.

If you're serious about that, really serious about this, then you're going to change your attitudes a bit more. Your spirit is great. But currently you're too focused on the dream of writing lots of issues without any consideration as to what those issues are about, how well they are presented, and what unique things you can add into the mix. You say you want to write 2000 issues. A noble goal. Unfortunately, if 2/3rds of NationStates's issues are barely comprehensible rubbish, the issues aspect of this site will die.

Let's pick this draft apart, piece, by piece, to demonstrate exactly what I mean.

Description: So in this description, I have decided to ban all immigration. OK, great. Many interesting dilemmas can come out of this extreme policy position. In fact, it is something that many issues allow you to do, and there are already a handful that discuss the various consequences. You can review the total list here, just to be sure that your issue does not overlap something already written or, if it does, find a way to make it sufficiently different as to justify it existing as a separate issue.

As it stands, this description does not bring much in the way of originality into the issues base. So I've banned immigration, great, and now millions of people are clambering at the border begging me to let them in.... why though? Are they fleeing a war in a neighbouring country? Is, somehow despite all of the evidence in the world right now, @@NAME@@ prospering more than everywhere else? Do they think they can make it in? Have they just not heard? Do they believe that with big mob tactics they can zerg-rush the immigration officials, even if a few hundred die in the process? Have they realised that once you're inside, there is very little chance of actually being deported? You need to ask yourself these questions, because the answer will drastically change the flavour of the resulting issue.

And also, we find out that millions of people are demanding you open the border... again though, why? Are they just leftie luvvies who like to see the world as one big John Lennon fantasy, or are they restauranteurs realising they are running out of waiters? I definitely remember we have an issue about where a family has been separated because of the closed border, so that angle can't be used, but what about a foreign businessman with assets in the country he now can never personally inspect? Once again, the way you answer these questions will dramatically alter the final draft.

Also, you haven't asked, again, why this open borders movement is suddenly strong enough to get the leader of the nation's attention. Presumably, the leader of the nation adopted the policy because (in character) it was a politically expedient or popular thing to do or (out of character) because the player genuinely believes closed borders are the best borders. How are either of these being challenged in this description? What, if you will, could force a player to change their mind?

Let's go back to issue 909 to illustrate. In this dilemma, we see a consequence of closing borders. One spouse and the kids have safely made it to @@NAME@@, but the other one is stuck abroad, braving death camps and bombs yet unable to rejoin their loved ones. It's a horrible situation, and many people who, in theory, love the idea of closed borders are not so hard in the heart as to deny this exception. Or maybe they are. It's not for us to judge. We present the dilemma and let the player role-play their nation however they want to.

Options: These options are extremely basic. Now, I am certainly not opposed to having one liner choices presenting a simple idea, but we can be more creative than that. Who are these people who somehow have access to the leader of the nation? I certainly don't have Mrs May on speed dial, much as I'd like too, so how are these people getting that access? What exactly are they proposing? How would they implement them? What are they doing?
And, more importantly, what are their biases? How are their positions in some way clearly flawed? NationStates is a site that thrives off people feeling like they may have chosen the wrong option. For example, I once answered issue 937 (Ebony Pride) with my utopia account I quickly regretted. That's just part and parcel of this game.

Just as importantly, why are these positions important enough to be merited an ear? And what positions are you going to deliberately exclude from the dilemma? For example, my own issue 973. It is arguably the best one I've ever written. It's an unfunny 2 choicer where, with only seconds to spare before your drone is blown up, do you or do you not shoot to kill a terrorist, despite the presence of innocents. Now, when I presented the choice to my friends and family, I was asked why not manoeuvre the drone to take out the missile guy aiming to blow it up. It's a reasonable choice, but narratively a cop-out. It's too perfect a solution, which is why the issue explicitly tells you there isn't much time.

Effect Lines: None of these currently make much sense, or are just not very interesting. Cannonballs are the ammunition, not the gun itself. Or has the term 'bullet' changed while I wasn't looking?

Dumped by the truckload may make a funny joke, but this current effort doesn't deliver on this potential promise at all.

Immigrants are mistreated for just a year in our prisons? But what if I actually want these people to forget that sunlight is a thing? Surely this line could make a reference to morlocks or.... something.

The idea behind this last line is one I find profoundly amusing. I like to imagine playing Papers Please and handing out questionnaires with questions like "Are you really, really sure you want to come? You can take your time, we know you Maxtopians are indecisive" or "Are you sure your God isn't a savage barbarian?" etc. But, once again, it fails to quite distill that essence into anything funny.

Summary

You have spirit, but need to do a lot of thinking before you can surpass Nation of Quebec. I like your spirit by the way. Makes me wish I could be like that. But your mindset is entirely topsy-turvy. And until you review that mindset, you are going to be held back at every stage of this odyssey to 2000.

[Australian rePublic]

So? What are we gonna do? What do I need to do with my issue?

You can start by not yelling at people who are trying to help you!

[Crazybloxian Empire]

Well Ok.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Here's my suggestions, which were made some time back, and which don't look have to be addressed.

Glad to see this one looking more complete now.

Broadly, I think the underlying premise is too broad and has doesn't cover much by way of new ground. Currently there's 10 issue options in the game that reverse the ban on immigration, with Issue 909 acting as the most direct "policy reversal". All of those issues have got strong narratives which justify their existence, and ask more complex questions than "shall we reinstate immigration?"

I don't think there's room for this issue in the game as it stands. Essentially, what you're doing is writing from the wrong end of an issue. You've started by thinking about what you want the issue to do (reverse immigration ban), whereas where you should have started is with the premise of the underlying story. Think of a dilemma or situation that would need government attention, then go from there.

Here's your current opening:

[desc]In response to banned immigration, thousands of people have come banging at your door while millions of immigrants from fellow members of @@REGION@@ desperately try to overrun your military patrols. The move would be criticized by millions upon millions, and thousands have came to your door, demanding a reinstation of immigration.

Basically, you need a proper issue premise. You need an idea other than "in response to banned immigration".

If immigration has been banned, what sort of things might reasonably happen next? Half a dozen ideas spring to mind, but it's up to you to find that initial premise.

Until you have that initial premise, there is no issue.

[Australian rePublic]

There are a hundred million countries out there. If one bans immigration, then you move to the next country. What makes @@NAME@@ so special?

[Crazybloxian Empire]

bump

[Chan Island]

bump

You still have the same problem, though having a singular inciting incident be the spark to begin discussion is a very good step in the right direction.

Maybe a good way of going about it is to give these 59 Maxtopians a very good reason to want to come to @@NAME@@, and then have their plight capture the imaginations of the populace. Maybe they are living in a squalid camp on the other side of the border, or in no-man's land. Maybe you have clear proof that they are ethnic minorities- or even ethnic @@DENONYM@@ Maxtopians being directly pursued by some genocidal maniac's minions. Then your options will have to revolve around this specific concern.

[Crazybloxian Empire]

bunp

[Tinhampton]

My comments and suggestions are in blue. OOCly, I apologise if this looks incomplete in places, but Spain vs Russia starts on BBC One in a few minutes.

ISSUE DRAFT!

!! This issue may contain racist language, so this issue is edited by me to remove any racist wording. !! I cannot and almost certainly will never speak for the editors, but I don't see many issues with vulgar and widely-controversial language being chucked about all over the place.
——-
v0.10 (beta). Complete draft

v0.01:
• Created issue
v0.02:
Added 2 options
Added effect for all options
v0.03:
Expanded description
v0.04:
Added 4th option
v0.05:
Fixed 2 typos
- poof -> poor
- emigation -> emigration
v0.06:
Biased option 1
v0.06-1:
Expanded effect line of option 3
v0.06-2:
Fixed grammar error (improper words used) in option 1’s effect line
v0.07:
Added occupation info for person mentioned in Option 2
v0.08:
• Fixed typo
- hey -> they
• Added occupation info for all other options except option 1
v0.09:
Changed description to match average issue description
v0.10: Completely revamped desc

Draft:

[title]Foreign Immigration, Wants Restoration What explains the comma here?

[desc]After 59 Why 59 specifically, and not - say - "dozens" or "hundreds"? Maxtopians complaining of genocide in the neighbouring countries of @@REGION@@ Why those nations, and not Maxtopia itself? attempted to knock your border wall down unsuccessfully Which is hardly surprising, given how few people are massing to do so, thousands of people have come knocking to your door, angry.

You should presumably have an issue validity here. If you run an open-immigration liberal-paradise in NS, you would not want to get an issue telling you about your nation's border walls.

Option 1.
[option]“Pfft? Who needs immigration when you can have emigration? Let’s force/emigrate ("forcibly emigrate"? perhaps even "deport"?) every foreigner from our nation!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a supporter of the @@NAME@@ Racial Singularity League Line break removed by Tinhampton. “We only want one race in @@NAME@@ and that race can only be @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ ("is the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ race"?)! All other races should definitely stay out!”. But we should also consider that the importance and the integrity that they provide need to be existent? How are we gonna do this? What does that last sentence refer to? Commentary in issue options is always provided by the speakers, in this case the @@NAME@@ RSL supporter. Remember that options are supposed to be deliberately polemic and biased, as you have done with the other three.
[effect] thousands of cannons are lined up on the borders blasting “immigrant” cannonballs back to their home countries. "the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Border Transit Cannon is one of the most popular ways to leave @@NAME@@"?

Option 2.
[option]”I WANT MORE IMMIGRANTS!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a librarian interested in reading books about immigration Why am I so unsurprised by this description?, wrecking havoc in your office wanting to put an end to the immigration ban Of course our poor librarian over here doesn't want the immigration ban to remain in force any more, they've already told us to that extent. “Why would you not allow these poor guys to enter? They are vital!” Are the librarian's viewpoints not expanded upon to reflect - perhaps - your personal experiences with such arguments or something else?
[effect] immigrants flow in millions a bit too much?, so much that they are dumped in truckloads everyday. Issue effects are generally meant to provide an unusual twist on the consequences that you have chosen. Not only is this not an unusual twist, but it does not even sound shocking. Regardless, you cannot have commas in issue effects.

Option 3.
[option]”Oh wait. Think the immigrants are a threat? Let em’ in and let’s lock em’ up in out government facilities What if you have abolished government-run prisons or even the entire government? Perhaps you could craft an additional, complementary version of this option only for those particular nations replacing this suggestion with a very similarly worded one from a private prison company's CEO? and let them live miserably!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a racist @@NAME@@pedia editor Your point here being an attempt to present such people as unemployed or otherwise "rednecks?" Note that your first speaker was not even a @@NAME@@ RSL member, only a "supporter" who only cares about the glory @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ gives to @@NAME@@. “Simple as 1-2-3! We just let them enter, then we suddenly round em’ up and lock em’ up till antiquity! Antiquity is in the past. Also, you need a closing quotation mark here.
[effect] immigrants are dumped into prisons and mistreated for so long, they don’t even know sunlight exists. Same complaints as above.

Option 4.
[option]”Mmm,hmm. Keeping the ban on immigration huh? What about indigenious (should be spelt "indigenous" throughout) peoples and our fellow dang ancestors who lived before us? Kick them out? NO WAY!” shouts In all four options, the speakers are shouting. Couldn't you make them speak... more imaginatively? into your ear @@RANDOMNAME@@, a former criminal convicted on drug offences. “These immigrants are probaby ("probably") ancestors, or our indigenious peoples! Let them in! On the one hand, your speaker wants @@NAME@@'s indigenous people to remain in the country. On the other hand, however, your speaker wants to allow @@NAME@@'s indigenous people into the country. Am I supposed to get confused?”.
[effect] immigrants are blasted with millions of racist And why would you suspect this? Author's viewpoints (a few of us are old enough to recall an issue based on Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell), or just keeping up a general riff within this issue? questions for days upon days before they enter.

[Australian rePublic]

There are a hundred million countries out there. If one bans immigration, then you move to the next country. What makes @@NAME@@ so special?

[Annihilators of Chan Island]

My comments and suggestions are in blue. OOCly, I apologise if this looks incomplete in places, but Spain vs Russia starts on BBC One in a few minutes.

ISSUE DRAFT!

!! This issue may contain racist language, so this issue is edited by me to remove any racist wording. !! I cannot and almost certainly will never speak for the editors, but I don't see many issues with vulgar and widely-controversial language being chucked about all over the place.
——-
v0.10 (beta). Complete draft

v0.01:
• Created issue
v0.02:
Added 2 options
Added effect for all options
v0.03:
Expanded description
v0.04:
Added 4th option
v0.05:
Fixed 2 typos
- poof -> poor
- emigation -> emigration
v0.06:
Biased option 1
v0.06-1:
Expanded effect line of option 3
v0.06-2:
Fixed grammar error (improper words used) in option 1’s effect line
v0.07:
Added occupation info for person mentioned in Option 2
v0.08:
• Fixed typo
- hey -> they
• Added occupation info for all other options except option 1
v0.09:
Changed description to match average issue description
v0.10: Completely revamped desc

Draft:

[title]Foreign Immigration, Wants Restoration What explains the comma here?

[desc]After 59 Why 59 specifically, and not - say - "dozens" or "hundreds"? Maxtopians complaining of genocide in the neighbouring countries of @@REGION@@ Why those nations, and not Maxtopia itself? attempted to knock your border wall down unsuccessfully Which is hardly surprising, given how few people are massing to do so, thousands of people have come knocking to your door, angry.

You should presumably have an issue validity here. If you run an open-immigration liberal-paradise in NS, you would not want to get an issue telling you about your nation's border walls.

Option 1.
[option]“Pfft? Who needs immigration when you can have emigration? Let’s force/emigrate ("forcibly emigrate"? perhaps even "deport"?) every foreigner from our nation!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a supporter of the @@NAME@@ Racial Singularity League Line break removed by Tinhampton. “We only want one race in @@NAME@@ and that race can only be @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ ("is the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ race"?)! All other races should definitely stay out!”. But we should also consider that the importance and the integrity that they provide need to be existent? How are we gonna do this? What does that last sentence refer to? Commentary in issue options is always provided by the speakers, in this case the @@NAME@@ RSL supporter. Remember that options are supposed to be deliberately polemic and biased, as you have done with the other three.
[effect] thousands of cannons are lined up on the borders blasting “immigrant” cannonballs back to their home countries. "the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Border Transit Cannon is one of the most popular ways to leave @@NAME@@"?

Option 2.
[option]”I WANT MORE IMMIGRANTS!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a librarian interested in reading books about immigration Why am I so unsurprised by this description?, wrecking havoc in your office wanting to put an end to the immigration ban Of course our poor librarian over here doesn't want the immigration ban to remain in force any more, they've already told us to that extent. “Why would you not allow these poor guys to enter? They are vital!” Are the librarian's viewpoints not expanded upon to reflect - perhaps - your personal experiences with such arguments or something else?
[effect] immigrants flow in millions a bit too much?, so much that they are dumped in truckloads everyday. Issue effects are generally meant to provide an unusual twist on the consequences that you have chosen. Not only is this not an unusual twist, but it does not even sound shocking. Regardless, you cannot have commas in issue effects.

Option 3.
[option]”Oh wait. Think the immigrants are a threat? Let em’ in and let’s lock em’ up in out government facilities What if you have abolished government-run prisons or even the entire government? Perhaps you could craft an additional, complementary version of this option only for those particular nations replacing this suggestion with a very similarly worded one from a private prison company's CEO? and let them live miserably!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a racist @@NAME@@pedia editor Your point here being an attempt to present such people as unemployed or otherwise "rednecks?" Note that your first speaker was not even a @@NAME@@ RSL member, only a "supporter" who only cares about the glory @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ gives to @@NAME@@. “Simple as 1-2-3! We just let them enter, then we suddenly round em’ up and lock em’ up till antiquity! Antiquity is in the past. Also, you need a closing quotation mark here.
[effect] immigrants are dumped into prisons and mistreated for so long, they don’t even know sunlight exists. Same complaints as above.

Option 4.
[option]”Mmm,hmm. Keeping the ban on immigration huh? What about indigenious (should be spelt "indigenous" throughout) peoples and our fellow dang ancestors who lived before us? Kick them out? NO WAY!” shouts In all four options, the speakers are shouting. Couldn't you make them speak... more imaginatively? into your ear @@RANDOMNAME@@, a former criminal convicted on drug offences. “These immigrants are probaby ("probably") ancestors, or our indigenious peoples! Let them in! On the one hand, your speaker wants @@NAME@@'s indigenous people to remain in the country. On the other hand, however, your speaker wants to allow @@NAME@@'s indigenous people into the country. Am I supposed to get confused?”.
[effect] immigrants are blasted with millions of racist And why would you suspect this? Author's viewpoints (a few of us are old enough to recall an issue based on Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell), or just keeping up a general riff within this issue? questions for days upon days before they enter.

Who saw that result coming? I didn't.

Anyway, that's a rather incisive set of reviews. I'd seriously consider looking into them, Crazyblox.

[Crazybloxian Empire]

Bump

[The Free Joy State]

Stop bumping!

Tinhampton very kindly went though your entire issue and suggested changes all the way through, and -- though your log says you've changed option one -- I can't really see anything different. Chan Island has suggested changes. Aussie has asked a question that you have still not answered:

There are a hundred million countries out there. If one bans immigration, then you move to the next country. What makes @@NAME@@ so special?

Unless you actually respond to feedback -- by which I mean going through the posts that people make to you and responding to their thoughts and consider them and work out how you can use them in your issue -- you will not make an issues' author at NS.

So, I strongly suggest you stop bumping, go through every bit of feedback given, and do everyone who has spent anytime on this draft the courtesy of responding properly and adapting your draft accordingly.

The odd lick of paint won't make one blind bit of difference when a house is falling down!

[Crazybloxian Empire]

There are a hundred million countries out there. If one bans immigration, then you move to the next country. What makes @@NAME@@ so special?

What? Well something that should stand out is the name of the Country and living conditions!

[The Free Joy State]

There are a hundred million countries out there. If one bans immigration, then you move to the next country. What makes @@NAME@@ so special?

What? Well something that should stand out is the name of the Country and living conditions!

Your name is not a reason and it does not work in issues' writing or RL. No-one has ever, in the history of the entire world, chosen a country for the sake of the name! Immigrants move because they are fleeing oppression, war, poverty, for job opportunities, because family members are there. For a myriad of other reasons, but never the name.

That your living conditions will make people want to come has be stated and the conditions you state have to be valid for all the people who you want to receive the issue.

If you want to write to please and apply to only yourself -- which you are perfectly free to go and do on NS -- I suggest you stick to writing your RP Crazybloxian newsletter.

[USS Monitor]

I think this still doesn't cover enough new ground.

[Chan Island]

I think this still doesn't cover enough new ground.

Though it could if Crazyblox carefully considered and implemented some of the suggestions I and others have put forward.

[USS Monitor]

I think this still doesn't cover enough new ground.

Though it could if Crazyblox carefully considered and implemented some of the suggestions I and others have put forward.

Taking people's advice on board would certainly be an improvement.

[Lamoni]

Though it could if Crazyblox carefully considered and implemented some of the suggestions I and others have put forward.

Taking people's advice on board would certainly be an improvement.

And if you are going to bump your thread, don't just say "bump." Think of other things to say, preferably more than just one word. Also, Monitor is correct. Actually taking what other people say into account would seriously improve both the issue that you are trying to create, as well as how you personally are received here.