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[SUBMITTED] Taking Toys from Tots

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Vilita
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[SUBMITTED] Taking Toys from Tots

Postby Vilita » Wed Apr 11, 2018 4:20 pm

Hello, I have a few issues to submit. They are not related. I'll start with this one and let some feedback roll in that will help make the subsequent ones better!

Thanks for any suggestions.




The below includes updates from the below commentary and discussions

Changelog:


The Issue:

@@NAME@@'s last remaining toy distributor, Toys'4'all, is shutting down due to overwhelming debt obligations to the private equity firm that claimed to be saving the company. Now parents and children across @@NAME@@ may be left with nowhere to buy the newest self-chewing gumball machine, robo-@@NATIONALANIMALS or tiddlywinks - not to mention all the citizens who will lose their job while millionaire owners cash in.

The Debate:

  • 1) "Save Toys'4'all!" chants @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sales clerk on the verge of losing their job, "Can't the government step in and do something? Think of the children!"

    Result: The government is too busy running everyday businesses to worry about passing important legislation.


  • 2) "Government has no business interfering with private industry!" says @@CAPITAL@@ University Economics professor @@RANDOMNAME@@; "I'm sure we'll have no problem getting toys imported from Bumbleland in the future... at a cost!"

    Result: Unemployed @@DENONYM@@s regularly pack their suitcases full of everyday goods when returning from travel to avoid overpaying for imported products at home.


  • 3) "It's for the best!" says @@NAME@@, a blogger specializing in minimalist ideology, "But why stop there? Banning all toys would allow children to develop a love for books, music and painting!"

    Result: Parents are regularly seen in dark alleys buying new Toys at exorbitant prices.



The Issue:

@@NAME@@'s last remaining toy distributor, Toys'4'all, is closing its doors forever after being unable to pay off the overwhelming debt obligations to it's latest owners that had promised to right the ship and save the company. Now parents and children across @@NAME@@ may be left with nowhere to buy the newest self-chewing gumball machine, robo-@@NATIONALANIMAL@@s or tiddlywinks - not to mention all the @@DENONYM@@s who will lose their jobs while the owners cash in on sales of the companies assets.

The Debate:

  • 1) "Save Toys'4'all!" chants @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sales clerk on the verge of losing their job as the media surround the toy distributors Flagship @@NATIONALANIMAL@@-shaped store in @@CAPITAL@@ searching for the next attention grabbing headline; "Can't the government step in and save our company? Think of all the Children! And my paycheck!"

    Result: The government is too busy reacting to breaking headlines to worry about passing important legislation.


  • 2) "@@LEADER@@ has no business interfering with private industry!" says @@CAPITAL@@ University Economics professor @@RANDOMNAME@@; "If Toys'4'all can't stay afloat on their own then they were either run by buffoons or were stocking the shelves with tiddlywinks that customers didn't want to begin with! If there is still a demand for these toys then I'm sure we'll have no problem getting them imported from Bumbleland in the future... at a cost!"

    Result: Unemployed @@DENONYM@@s regularly relocate near the border for access to essential goods that are only available as imports.


  • 3) "It's for the best!" says @@NAME@@, a blogger specializing in minimalist ideology, "One less big-box store trying to tell us what we need to find happiness in our lives. But why stop there? Children don't need video game systems or robo-@@NATIONALANIMAL@@s anyway. Banning all toys would force children to develop a love for books, music and painting instead!"

    Result: Parents are often spotted in dark alleys buying the latest Toys at exorbitant prices.


Changed the proposed names from "Taking Toys from Toddlers" to "Taking Toys from Tots"
Last edited by Vilita on Fri Feb 08, 2019 7:02 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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The Federation of Kendor
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Postby The Federation of Kendor » Wed Apr 11, 2018 4:24 pm

Vilita wrote:Hello, I have a few issues to submit. They are not related. I'll start with this one and let some feedback roll in that will help make the subsequent ones better!

Thanks for any suggestions.



The Issue:

@@NAME@@'s last remaining toy distributor, Toys'4'all, is shutting down due to overwhelming debt obligations to the private equity firm that claimed to be saving the company. Now parents and children across @@NAME@@ may be left with nowhere to buy the newest self-chewing gumball machine, robo-@@NATIONALANIMALS or tiddlywinks - not to mention all the citizens who will lose their job while millionaire owners cash in.

The Debate:

  • 1) "Save Toys'4'all!" chants @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sales clerk on the verge of losing their job, "Can't the government step in and do something? Think of the children!"

    Result: The government is too busy running everyday businesses to worry about passing important legislation.


  • 2) "Government has no business interfering with private industry!" says @@CAPITAL@@ University Economics professor @@RANDOMNAME@@; "I'm sure we'll have no problem getting toys imported from Bumbleland in the future... at a cost!"

    Result: Unemployed @@DENONYM@@s regularly pack their suitcases full of everyday goods when returning from travel to avoid overpaying for imported products at home.


  • 3) "It's for the best!" says @@NAME@@, a blogger specializing in minimalist ideology, "But why stop there? Banning all toys would allow children to develop a love for books, music, coloring, and painting."

    Result: Parents are regularly seen in dark alleys to buy new Toys at exorbitant prices.

Great idea. Though I think that the first two results are a bit too long

Also, for the third result, I have two ideas for the alternate result. First, is that children become monotonous genius
Last edited by The Federation of Kendor on Wed Apr 11, 2018 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Sacara » Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:42 pm

Fun idea. You need to add more meat to each of the options. Think of this as an opportunity to add more humor, which is somewhat lacking. Great start, though!
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Postby USS Monitor » Wed Apr 11, 2018 10:45 pm

Sacara wrote:Fun idea. You need to add more meat to each of the options. Think of this as an opportunity to add more humor, which is somewhat lacking. Great start, though!


^This.

Also, effect lines should not be complete sentences. On your nation page, they are strung together separated by commas. For example, I have:

Belligerent citizens shoot at passing clouds for 'violating their airspace', the most popular WhoTube videos are ones featuring parodies of iconic songs, relations with Dàguó have warmed from frosty to chilly, and billion-dollar sentient AI killbots roll through the streets dispensing hot dogs and T-shirts.


Notice how "the most popular WhoTube videos are ones featuring parodies of iconic songs" is not capitalized and does not have a period after "songs."

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Postby Vilita » Sun Apr 15, 2018 2:55 am

Some modifications based on the feedback received thus far:

The Issue:

@@NAME@@'s last remaining toy distributor, Toys'4'all, is shutting down due to overwhelming debt obligations to the private equity firm that claimed to be saving the company. Now parents and children across @@NAME@@ may be left with nowhere to buy the newest self-chewing gumball machine, robo-@@ANIMALPLURAL@@ or tiddlywinks - not to mention all the citizens who will lose their job while millionaire owners cash in.

The Debate:

  • 1) "Save Toys'4'all!" chants @@RANDOMNAME@@ wearing a costume of Violet the @@ANIMAL@@ - the Toys'4'all mascot, "Can't the government step in and do something? Think of the children!"

    Result: Government officials regularly divert funding to coporations


  • 2) "If a company is going to fail, let them fail!" says @@CAPITAL@@ University Economics professor @@RANDOMNAME@@; "Sure we may not have anyone to make Tickle-me Violets or Glowing @@ANIMAL@@ Slingshots, but we'll have no problem getting spotted elephant toys imported from Bumbleland... at a cost!"

    Result: @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ regularly cross the border to save on common goods


  • 3) "It's for the best!" says @@NAME@@, a blogger specializing in minimalist ideology, "But why stop there? Banning all toys would allow children to focus on developing more applied skills like portait painting or @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@."

    Result: Parents are forced to buy toys on the black market
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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:56 am

Corporate executives are not owners. The majority of owners, the shareholders, are average, normal everyday citizens who will lose their entire intial investments, having a major strain on their mediocre lives. If you're gonna criticise capitalism, do it accurately!
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Baggieland
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Postby Baggieland » Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:01 am

Vilita wrote:Can't the government step in and do something?


Do what?
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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:05 am

Baggieland wrote:
Vilita wrote:Can't the government step in and do something?


Do what?

Bail them out, nationalise them, create new laws which will help them...
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USS Monitor
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Postby USS Monitor » Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:44 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:Corporate executives are not owners. The majority of owners, the shareholders, are average, normal everyday citizens who will lose their entire intial investments, having a major strain on their mediocre lives. If you're gonna criticise capitalism, do it accurately!


I am confused what this comment is referring to.
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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:27 pm

USS Monitor wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:Corporate executives are not owners. The majority of owners, the shareholders, are average, normal everyday citizens who will lose their entire intial investments, having a major strain on their mediocre lives. If you're gonna criticise capitalism, do it accurately!


I am confused what this comment is referring to.

The CEO, who walked away with millions, is not the owner. The shareholders, who have mediocre lives. This is refering to the description, where it says "millionaire owners will cash in". If you're going to critise capitalism, do it right!
Last edited by Australian rePublic on Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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USS Monitor
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Postby USS Monitor » Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:45 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:
USS Monitor wrote:
I am confused what this comment is referring to.

The CEO, who walked away with millions, is not the owner. The shareholders, who have mediocre lives. This is refering to the description, where it says "millionaire owners will cash in". If you're going to critise capitalism, do it right!


It's unclear whether it is even a publicly traded company. I think this is not so much a problem that needs to be corrected, just a matter of the author's preference.
Last edited by USS Monitor on Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Vilita
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Postby Vilita » Mon Apr 16, 2018 4:23 pm

Yea, I thought about mentioning Stock / Stock Market / Share related items but that then presumes such things exist in country X. So I decided to leave it the way it was?
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USS Monitor
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Postby USS Monitor » Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:21 pm

Vilita wrote:Yea, I thought about mentioning Stock / Stock Market / Share related items but that then presumes such things exist in country X. So I decided to leave it the way it was?


The issue already needs to be restricted to capitalist nations because of the private equity firm.
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Zwangzug
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Postby Zwangzug » Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:35 pm

Why is this the country's last toy store? To make the scope dramatic?

"self-chewing gumball machine, robo-@@NATIONALANIMALS or tiddlywinks" Nice! The title is good too.

The options should be longer and funnier, and less vague.

Option 2's effect line is kind of wordy. Could be pithier.

Effect 3 is amusing. 1 is okay.

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Vilita
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Postby Vilita » Mon Jan 21, 2019 10:21 pm

I've been working on and off with this updated draft to address some of the comments above:



The Issue:

@@NAME@@'s last remaining toy distributor, Toys'4'all, is closing its doors forever after being unable to pay off the overwhelming debt obligations to it's latest owners that had promised to right the ship and save the company. Now parents and children across @@NAME@@ may be left with nowhere to buy the newest self-chewing gumball machine, robo-@@NATIONALANIMAL@@s or tiddlywinks - not to mention all the @@DENONYM@@s who will lose their jobs while the owners cash in on sales of the companies assets.

The Debate:

  • 1) "Save Toys'4'all!" chants @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sales clerk on the verge of losing their job as the media surround the toy distributors Flagship @@NATIONALANIMAL@@-shaped store in @@CAPITAL@@ searching for the next attention grabbing headline; "Can't the government step in and save our company? Think of all the Children! And my paycheck!"

    Result: The government is too busy reacting to breaking headlines to worry about passing important legislation.


  • 2) "@@LEADER@@ has no business interfering with private industry!" says @@CAPITAL@@ University Economics professor @@RANDOMNAME@@; "If Toys'4'all can't stay afloat on their own then they were either run by buffoons or were stocking the shelves with tiddlywinks that customers didn't want to begin with! If there is still a demand for these toys then I'm sure we'll have no problem getting them imported from Bumbleland in the future... at a cost!"

    Result: Unemployed @@DENONYM@@s regularly relocate near the border for access to essential goods that are only available as imports.


  • 3) "It's for the best!" says @@NAME@@, a blogger specializing in minimalist ideology, "One less big-box store trying to tell us what we need to find happiness in our lives. But why stop there? Children don't need video game systems or robo-@@NATIONALANIMAL@@s anyway. Banning all toys would force children to develop a love for books, music and painting instead!"

    Result: Parents are often spotted in dark alleys buying the latest Toys at exorbitant prices.



I also didn't know if the name could be better as "Taking Toys from Tots" but didn't know if the terminology was global enough
Last edited by Vilita on Mon Jan 21, 2019 10:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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USS Monitor
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Postby USS Monitor » Mon Jan 21, 2019 11:41 pm

I think the word "tots" is OK to use. Could you edit the OP to include your latest draft so people can find it without scrolling through the thread?
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Vilita
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Postby Vilita » Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:00 am

Done :)
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