SECOND DRAFT: Changes from first draft underlined
TITLE:
Please Rise for @@LEADER@@
VALIDITY:
Named leader. Not a violetist nation.
DESCRIPTION:
Earlier today you had a half-hour telephone call with @@randomname@@, the Interim President of West Lilliputia. Significant progress was made on the "Lilliputian Freedom Fighter" issue and on planning a joined-up approach to countering Ultra-Violetist radicalisation. You were feeling pretty pleased, till near the end of the conversation you heard a distinctive plopping noise followed by the sound of flushing.
OPTION ONE
"I'm afraid our analysis of ceramic echoes, grunt mapping and sound library matching confirms it," explains audio engineer Tony Blunt. "President @@surname(1)@@ was on the toilet for the entire conversation. I mean, that's pretty rude. You should let your diplomatic corps let @@him(1)@@ know that you know, and lodge an official complaint."
Outcome: careful control of body language is considered essential to good diplomacy
OPTION TWO
"Hold on, this isn't just rudeness, it's a calculated insult," says hawkish Admiral Khyberpass, waving a bayonet around. "You let this go unanswered, and @@HE@@'ll be flinging it at you like a monkey next! You have to take punitive military action to show them you won't be insulted; a few u-boat strikes could turn their floaters into sinkers. Cold steel! They don't like it up 'em!"
Outcome: diplomats visiting @@NAME@@ decline any dish containing beans
OPTION THREE
"The noblest search is the search for advantage," strategises former politician Lennon B Jonston. "You should take a page from the book of our Llilliputian friend and make it your regular habit to use the bathroom when talking with foreign dignitaries, ministers and reporters. It shows that every second you have is precious, and you don't have time to stand on ceremony. Or, in fact, sit on ceremony, as your needs demand."
Outcome: proclamations are often made from @@LEADER@@'s throne
OPTION FOUR
"Ohmigod why are you all so EMBARRASSING?" whines your teenage niece, adjusting her rainbow mohawk, touching up her neon-green lipstick and doing the floss dance. "Can't you just pretend you, like, had totally not noticed, and like, never ever say anything about this ever again. Ohmigod! Old people shouldn't talk about toilet stuff! It's totally cringeworthy!"
Outcome: wise man say "he who denied it supplied it"
FIRST DRAFT: