[ACCEPTED] A-Major Debate

[Candensia]

(NOTE) Hello everyone. I've played NS for about a year, and I have enjoyed the experience a great deal so far. I've never seriously attempted to draft up an issue, but I decided to try my hand at writing. If it seems like the following was written by a rookie, that's because it was.

[DRAFT] A-Major Debate

[The Issue] - While exiting a town hall concerning national school curriculum, one of your advisers was asked a question that gauged @@HIS@@ support for school music programs. @@HIS@@ response was captured on hot mic, and subsequently a national discussion has arisen as to the importance of music education in @@DEMONYM@@ schools.

[option] - "The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!" declares renowned middle-school orchestra director, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard-working @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! School curriculum must include a strong emphasis on musical knowledge and proficiency. Sure, strings do come attached: it won't be cheap and they may be old-fashioned, but @@DEMONYM@@ musical tradition is on the line here!"
[effect] - elementary school students are required to master the violin before they are allowed to graduate

[option] - "Now that's just nonsense!" barks athletic aficionado and @@CAPITAL@@ University basketball coach, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth can only be properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the blood, sweat, and tears that come from playing on a team. Music programs are hardly even relevant in modern times, so as far as I'm concerned we should save ourselves the money and cut them from the curriculum. After all, the only real purpose they serve is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on."
[effect] - music teachers are commonly seen panhandling in order to fund their music programs

[option] - "Maybe the age of traditional music education is on a decrescendo," states well known sci-fi author, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "However music programs too can be saved thanks to science! All that's needed is a little more...electronic approach. It's clear that electronic instruments must replace their outdated, traditional counterparts. Just imagine this: instead of renting saxophones, students will rent synthesizers! So instead of scrapping music ed, all that's required is a harmony of technology and music! Remember, technology is the future!"
[effect] - synthesized symphonies are overtaking traditional compositions.

[DRAFT#2] A-Major Debate

[The Issue] - While exiting an extensively broadcasted, media sponsored town hall concerning national school curriculum, one of your advisers was asked a question that gauged @@HIS@@ support for school music programs. @@HIS@@ response, captured on hot mic, though not particularly controversial, has nonetheless generated a national discussion as to the importance of music education in @@DEMONYM@@ schools.

[option] - "The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!" declares renowned middle-school orchestra director, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard-working @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! School curriculum must include a strong emphasis on musical knowledge and proficiency. Sure, strings do come attached: it won't be cheap and they may be old-fashioned, but @@DEMONYM@@ musical tradition is on the line here!"
[effect] - elementary school students are required to master the violin before they are allowed to graduate

[option] - "Now that's just nonsense!" barks athletic aficionado and @@CAPITAL@@ University basketball coach, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth can only be properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the blood, sweat, and tears that come from playing on a team. Music programs are hardly even relevant in modern times, so as far as I'm concerned we should save ourselves the money and cut them from the curriculum. After all, the only real purpose they serve is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on."
[effect] - music teachers are commonly seen panhandling in order to fund their music programs

[option] - "Maybe the age of traditional music education is on a decrescendo," states well known sci-fi author, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "However music programs too can be saved thanks to science! All that's needed is a little more...electronic approach. It's clear that electronic instruments must replace their outdated, traditional counterparts. Just imagine this: instead of renting saxophones, students will rent synthesizers! So instead of scrapping music ed, all that's required is a harmony of technology and music! Remember, technology is the future!"
[effect] - synthesized symphonies are overtaking traditional compositions

[validity] - Nations that do not require students to recite a pledge/anthem in schools.

[option] - "That misses the point entirely," rants fringe political commentator, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The only reason why schools exist is to make loyal, productive citizens out of @@DEMONYM@@ children. In this regard, music education has been taught entirely in the wrong key. Music education curriculum should be revised with the goal of accentuating patriotic values in mind! Students should be required to learn and sing the nation's praises, including our national anthem!"
[effect] - students who do not recite the national anthem each morning find themselves in grave danger

[DRAFT#3] A-Major Debate

[validity] - Nations that have not banned sports.

[The Issue] - One of your advisers was put on blast yesterday after @@HE@@ was caught on hot mic referring to music education as "non-essential curriculum”. @@HIS@@ comment has struck chords with some and nerves with others across @@NAME@@, resulting in a national discussion as to the importance of music programs in @@DEMONYM@@ schools.

[option] - "The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!" declares renowned middle-school orchestra director, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard-working @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! School curriculum must include an emphasis on musical knowledge. Sure, strings do come attached: it's not cheap and they may be old-fashioned, but @@DEMONYM@@ musical tradition is on the line here!"
[effect] - elementary school students are required to master the violin before they are allowed to graduate

[option] - "Now that's just nonsense!" barks athletic aficionado and @@CAPITAL@@ University basketball coach, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth are only properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the challenges of playing on a team. As far as I'm concerned we should just save ourselves some money and cut music ed from the curriculum. After all, their only purpose is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on."
[effect] - music teachers are commonly seen panhandling in order to fund their music programs

[option] - "Maybe the age of traditional music education is on a decrescendo," states well known sci-fi author, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "However music programs too can be saved thanks to science! All that's needed is a little more...electronic approach. It's clear that electronic instruments must replace their baroque counterparts. Just imagine this: instead of renting saxophones, students will rent synthesizers! So instead of scrapping music ed, all that's required is a harmony of technology and music!
[effect] - synthesized symphonies are overtaking traditional compositions

[validity] - Nations that do not require students to recite a pledge/anthem in schools.

[option] - "That misses the point entirely," rants fringe political commentator, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The only reason why schools exist is to make loyal, productive citizens out of @@DEMONYM@@ children. In this regard, music education has been taught entirely in the wrong key. Curriculum should be revised with the goal of accentuating patriotic values in mind! Students should be required to learn and sing the nation's praises, including our national anthem!"
[effect] - students who do not recite the national anthem each morning find themselves in grave danger

[Altmer Dominion]

Welcome to Got Issues! I love all the musical terminology peppered throughout the draft. One thing in particular:

[The Issue] - While exiting a town hall concerning national school curriculum [1], one of your advisers was asked a question that gauged @@HIS/HER@@ support for school music programs. @@HIS/HER@@ response was captured on hot mic[2], and subsequently a national discussion has arisen as to the importance of music education in @@DEMONYN@@ schools

Much of the issue, as written, is very fun to read. However, the description could use a revamp.

[1] Perhaps I'm relatively cynical speaking from an American perspective, but national town halls aren't very common. Or effective. Or, often, civil. If the words "Town Hall" are mentioned these days, CNN is probably hosting it. Bringing up school curriculum as a whole is fine, but I have a hard time viewing it in the context of an open forum put on willingly by the national government. Unless it's specified that a media channel/conglomerate is hosting the event, the premise doesn't seem believable. But again, that's me being cynical.

[2] What did they say? If a national conversation has arisen, it must have been unexpected/scandalous? You are going to have to be more explicit about what was said, if it sparked widespread discussion. Think of it as an opportunity for an additional injection of humor. The options can even react to what was said, if needed.

[Sacara]

Heres a few things to consider:

• Probably the biggest one is that you do not need a new set of quotes for every sentence. Here's an example:
  

  "Hey guys!" Sacara said as he walked into the room. "I'm working on a new issue right now. It's about mammals in space! Can anyone provide feedback?"

• You don't need to capitalize the first word of the effect lines. And the macro is just @@HIS@@, which automatically goes to the female pronoun if the @@RANDOMNAME@@ is a female one
• You spelled @@DEMONYM@@ wrong all of the times you used it
• On the last option, there should be a comma after decrescendo, not a period. You also have a space after the @@RANDOMNAME@@ in the final one. You could probably make the effect line funnier on the third one, too
• Make sure you add commas before each @@RANDOMNAME@@, as you are introducing them
• Overall, I like the idea, but I'm sure someone more experienced than I am will come along and tear this thing apart give you more advice

[Candensia]

Heres a few things to consider:

• Probably the biggest one is that you do not need a new set of quotes for every sentence. Here's an example:
  

  "Hey guys!" Sacara said as he walked into the room. "I'm working on a new issue right now. It's about mammals in space! Can anyone provide feedback?"

• You don't need to capitalize the first word of the effect lines. And the macro is just @@HIS@@, which automatically goes to the female pronoun if the @@RANDOMNAME@@ is a female one
• You spelled @@DEMONYM@@ wrong all of the times you used it
• On the last option, there should be a comma after decrescendo, not a period. You also have a space after the @@RANDOMNAME@@ in the final one. You could probably make the effect line funnier on the third one, too
• Make sure you add commas before each @@RANDOMNAME@@, as you are introducing them
• Overall, I like the idea, but I'm sure someone more experienced than I am will come along and tear this thing apart give you more advice

How embarrassing! It looks like ill have to follow through and do some hot-fixes in order to remove those grammar and spelling errors before I get absolutely obliterated.

Thank you so much for the heads-up!

[Sacara]

Not sure how I missed this earlier, but the macro is @@CAPITAL@@, not @@CAPITOL@@. Keep up the good work!

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Formatting errors are no big deal.

The key thing here is good quality writing, a sense of story and a good feel for humour. You've hit a high note here.

[Candensia]

Not sure how I missed this earlier, but the macro is @@CAPITAL@@, not @@CAPITOL@@. Keep up the good work!

Edited accordingly, thanks again!

Formatting errors are no big deal.

The key thing here is good quality writing, a sense of story and a good feel for humour. You've hit a high note here.

Ill be sure to keep up the tempo as I continue with suggested revisions, thank you so much!

[Australian rePublic]

Validity- must have a natio wide curriculum

[Candensia]

Hello everyone! I truly do appreciate all the valuable feedback so far. I'd like to update everyone on my progress, and ask for your help with a few things.

Most Importantly, I am considering adding a fourth option to "A-Major Debate". I have a few questions, which ill ask later on.

[validity] - Nations that do not require students to recite a pledge/anthem in schools.

[option] - "That misses the point entirely," rants fringe political commentator, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The only reason why schools exist is to make loyal, productive citizens out of @@DEMONYM@@ children. In this regard, music education has been taught entirely in the wrong key. Music education curriculum should be revised with the goal of accentuating patriotic values in mind. Students should be required to learn and sing the nation's praises, including our national anthem!"
[effect] - students who do not recite the national anthem each morning find themselves in grave danger.


Here are my questions. Should this be added as a fourth option? Did I get the validity correct?

Also, because the pun in the effect is somewhat obscure without background knowledge, ill explain it. "Grave" is a musical term that indicates a solemn, sad, or slow tempo and/or tone.

Draft 2 is coming soon, I'll be adding a bit more context to the premise and throwing in as many musically themed jokes as possible, and perhaps this additional option will get thrown in! I appreciate all the advice, keep it coming!

[Sacara]

I like the idea of the fourth option. Good job on the puns.

[Palos Heights]

I'll be honest with you, this issue rocks.

I say, add that fourth option! The validity is great and works there.

[Candensia]

Hello again everyone!

I've gone ahead and added that fourth option, additionally I've added more context to the premise, in an effort to make it a little more believable. Draft 2 has now been released. Please continue to lend me your thoughts. Thanks!

[Candensia]

bump

[Fauxia]

I think there should be a comma after “response”

[Candensia]

I think there should be a comma after “response”

You know, I thought over putting a comma there for a long time. I couldnt decide whether one was warranted. Im self conscious of the fact that i use a lot of commas, but since i got community backing ill tack one in right there.

[Palos Heights]

I think there should be a comma after “response”

You know, I thought over putting a comma there for a long time. I couldnt decide whether one was warranted. Im self conscious of the fact that i use a lot of commas, but since i got community backing ill tack one in right there.

A good rule of thumb when writing dialogue, or at least something I go by, is that if when saying something out loud you reach a part where you would pause, then it would behoove you to place a comma where you would have had your pause. Aside from that, just follow typical grammar rules for commas!

[Candensia]

You know, I thought over putting a comma there for a long time. I couldnt decide whether one was warranted. Im self conscious of the fact that i use a lot of commas, but since i got community backing ill tack one in right there.

A good rule of thumb when writing dialogue, or at least something I go by, is that if when saying something out loud you reach a part where you would pause, then it would behoove you to place a comma where you would have had your pause. Aside from that, just follow typical grammar rules for commas!

Committed to memory!


Can I get a State Of The Issue Address from anyone? Feedback is the most important meal of the day!

[Candensia]

Bumperino

[Fauxia]

Option 2 looks a bit lengthy, maybe the others a wee bit as well

[Candensia]

Option 2 looks a bit lengthy, maybe the others a wee bit as well

Hmmm....perhaps. I'd like a second opinion on this, are the slightly longer lengths of my options a dealbreaker?

[Sacara]

Option 2 looks a bit lengthy, maybe the others a wee bit as well

Hmmm....perhaps. I'd like a second opinion on this, are the slightly longer lengths of my options a dealbreaker?

They are not a dealbreaker, per say, but it's good to keep they relatively the same length and make sure they are not too long. It doesn't look much longer than option one, but if you can find a way to slightly shorten it, that'd be great.

[Ransium]

[The Issue] - While exiting an extensively broadcasted, media sponsored town hall concerning national school curriculum, one of your advisers was asked a question that gauged @@HIS@@ support for school music programs. @@HIS@@ response, captured on hot mic, though not particularly controversial, has nonetheless generated a national discussion as to the importance of music education in @@DEMONYM@@ schools.

The opening text is probably the most important part of an issue for me and I find yours to be a bit flat, probably the low-note of the entire issue TBH. It's weird to me that you describe this whole situation but avoid the meat of what his response actually was. Surely you can come up with a more compelling way to get us to the debate of school music programs. If I were to edit your issue I'd be tempted to entirely re-write the opening text and I suggest you think about doing the same, you clearly have some writing chops from your actual options. What's a funny way of bringing school music to @@LEADER@@'s attention?

[option] - "The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!" declares renowned middle-school orchestra director, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard working @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! School curriculum must include a strong emphasis on musical knowledge and proficiency. Sure, strings do come attached: it wont be cheap and they may be old-fashioned, but @@DEMONYM@@ musical tradition is on the line here!"

"hard-working" and "won't" overall if I were editing you issue I would probably cut the options a bit. It's not terrible but I'd should for 10-20% shorter if you can.

[effect] - elementary school students are required to master the violin before they are allowed to graduate.

effects lines don't need periods

[option] - "Now that's just nonsense!" barks athletic aficionado and @@CAPITAL@@ University basketball coach, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth can only be properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the blood, sweat, and tears that come from playing on a team. Music programs are hardly even relevant in modern times, so as far as I'm concerned we should save ourselves the money and cut them from the curriculum. After all, the only real purpose they serve is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on."
[effect] - music teachers are commonly seen panhandling in order to fund their music programs.

Keep in mind, sports can be banned in @@NAME@@.

[Candensia]

[The Issue] - While exiting an extensively broadcasted, media sponsored town hall concerning national school curriculum, one of your advisers was asked a question that gauged @@HIS@@ support for school music programs. @@HIS@@ response, captured on hot mic, though not particularly controversial, has nonetheless generated a national discussion as to the importance of music education in @@DEMONYM@@ schools.

The opening text is probably the most important part of an issue for me and I find yours to be a bit flat, probably the low-note of the entire issue TBH. It's weird to me that you describe this whole situation but avoid the meat of what his response actually was. Surely you can come up with a more compelling way to get us to the debate of school music programs. If I were to edit your issue I'd be tempted to entirely re-write the opening text and I suggest you think about doing the same, you clearly have some writing chops from your actual options. What's a funny way of bringing school music to @@LEADER@@'s attention?

[option] - "The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!" declares renowned middle-school orchestra director, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard working @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! School curriculum must include a strong emphasis on musical knowledge and proficiency. Sure, strings do come attached: it wont be cheap and they may be old-fashioned, but @@DEMONYM@@ musical tradition is on the line here!"

"hard-working" and "won't" overall if I were editing you issue I would probably cut the options a bit. It's not terrible but I'd should for 10-20% shorter if you can.

[effect] - elementary school students are required to master the violin before they are allowed to graduate.

effects lines don't need periods

[option] - "Now that's just nonsense!" barks athletic aficionado and @@CAPITAL@@ University basketball coach, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth can only be properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the blood, sweat, and tears that come from playing on a team. Music programs are hardly even relevant in modern times, so as far as I'm concerned we should save ourselves the money and cut them from the curriculum. After all, the only real purpose they serve is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on."
[effect] - music teachers are commonly seen panhandling in order to fund their music programs.

Keep in mind, sports can be banned in @@NAME@@.

Thanks for that yummy feedback, Ransium! The fact that you so much as described yourself in the hypothetical editing my issue has got me psyched up lol.

I shall attempt to cut out some extra wordage from the options. I additionally shall go soul-searching for the latest and greatest in issue descriptions.

On to a more serious note, everyone, if sports can be banned in @@NAME@@, does that severely hamper the viability of Option 2 as a counter-option?

EDIT: Or is the simple fix just to have "Nation has not banned sports" as a total issue validity?

[Sacara]

Thanks for that yummy feedback, Ransium! The fact that you so much as described yourself in the hypothetical editing my issue has got me psyched up lol.

On to a more serious note, everyone, if sports can be banned in @@NAME@@, does that severely hamper the viability of Option 2 as a counter-option?

You're going to need to make that a validity for option two. I don't know the exact numbers of nations that have banned sports, but theoretically, it could.

EDIT: I didn't see your edit. That should work.

[Candensia]

Hello everyone! Thanks to all the yummy feedback, I've been able to come out with draft 3 of A-Major Debate!

in draft three, there are several major changes.

- I've completely reworked the intro. (I had to come out of my comfort zone quite a bit, so is the new intro a hit or a miss?)

-I've cut down on the length of option 2 considerably, and I've taken a bit off the top of options 1 and 3.

Please tell me whether this is an improvement upon draft 2, and continue to give me yummy feedback! Thanks!