by Techolandia » Wed Feb 28, 2018 5:58 pm
by Trotterdam » Thu Mar 01, 2018 12:24 am
I don't think public schooling matters too much. Anything you teach to children in schools now will only filter into the knowledge of the adult population multiple years from now, and epidemics usually come and go faster than that.Techolandia wrote:(only for nations with public schooling)
2a. "No, there are already @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ infected," counters @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@, who got HELPS from her husband in the bedroom when they thought that his cough was just a cold, as she takes the phone from him. "We need greater education to prevent the spread of HELPS and other diseases like it. Mandatory infectious disease prevention units in all health classes! Think of our children. We might even be having another one."
leads to #1336: Informed but Infected
(only for nations without public schooling)
2b. "No, there are already @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ infected," counters @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@, who got HELPS from her husband in the bedroom when they thought that his cough was just a cold, as she takes the phone from him. "We need greater public awareness to prevent the spread of HELPS and other diseases like it. Information posters posted throughout @@NAME@@! Think of the @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@. Think of them."
leads to #1336: Informed but Infected
This is unclear about what it wants to do. What would "repenting" entail? Are you actually forcing citizens to participate some kind of religious ritual? Is that ritual just some prayer or something more intrusive on people's lifestyle?Techolandia wrote:3. "The real reason that this outbreak is befalling us is because our citizens have sinned," declares @@RANDOMNAME_3@@, a cleric of @@RELIGION@@, as @@HE_3@@ is bitten by a mosquito that bit @@FEMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@ yesterday. "Do to their heretical ways, the Great One has punished them with this foul pestilence. They must repent to heal, and I can help them."
Fallout: The Ministry of Spirituality has taken over the Ministry of Health.
leads to #1337: Clerical Calamity
"Killed-virus vaccine" might be a somewhat technical term to suddenly drop on players, especially since the previous option didn't mention anything about how vaccines work.Techolandia wrote:5. "Why waste precious time working on a killed-virus vaccine when we already have something just as good?
Consider the fact that some nations have very high income equality, or even communist economies, where citizens probably wouldn't be expected to buy their own bug spray to begin with.Techolandia wrote:#1336: An Impending Epidemic: Informed but Infected
The story: You decided to avert a potential epidemic of HELPS by informing the public about symptoms of the disease and how to prevent its transmission.
The lead: While your strategy was effective in reducing cases significantly among @@NAME@@'s upper class, many @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ who live in poverty and can barely make ends meet as it is can not afford to buy the necessary supplies, like bug spray, to prevent infection. With rapidly increasing infection rates among @@NAME@@'s poor threatening to spill over to the rich, something must be done.
That's @@RANDOMNAME@@, you're not talking about the name of the nation.Techolandia wrote:Deputy Minister of Health @@NAME_6@@,
That does a rather sudden 180-degree turn going from sounding really compassionate (working together both for faster results and so other nations can benefit too) to suddenly sounding really selfish and rude.Techolandia wrote:1. "While we may not be able to finish this in time alone," begins @@RANDOMNAME_7@@, one of the few healthy scientists left, as @@HE_7@@ prepares to upload all vaccine research done so far onto an international database, "other countries have also been working on this. If we collaborate with them, we may be able to supply not only @@NAME@@ but all other infected countries with a vaccine and a cure. Or, if it turns out they've already developed something, we'll just steal their research and pass it off as our own. They'll get annoyed, but who cares?"
Fallout: Lawyers hired to defend @@NAME@@ in an international research theft lawsuit contract HELPS.
leads to #1344: Eradication Alliance
Techolandia wrote:#1336: An Impending Epidemic: Informed but Infected
The story: You decided to avert a potential epidemic of HELPS by informing the public about symptoms of the disease and how to prevent its transmission.
The lead: While your strategy was effective in reducing cases significantly among @@NAME@@'s upper class, many @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ who live in poverty and can barely make ends meet as it is can not afford to buy the necessary supplies, like bug spray, to prevent infection. With rapidly increasing infection rates among @@NAME@@'s poor threatening to spill over to the rich, something must be done.
The debate:
1. "This is just another reason why we need to take care of the lower class," begins @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Social Welfare. "We need to lower taxes for the lower class and give them increased social welfare so they can afford to buy mosquito nets and such. Or we could just go the direct way and give them the actual goods. That would probably be better, actually."
leads to #1339: Help for HELPS
Did you mistype one of your numbers? This option says nothing about introducing MELPS, and I already thought it looked out-of-place compared to the other options that lead to #1339.Techolandia wrote:#1339: An Impending Epidemic: Help for HELPS
The story: Faced with HELPS approaching and beginning to cross the borders into your country, you took decisive action, including using MELPS to build immunity among @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, to prevent a widespread epidemic in @@NAME@@.
Nah. Make the speaker worried about something the nation already has. Nations without nukes still have plenty of sensitive military (or other) secrets. And of course, sillier is better.Techolandia wrote:(only for nations without nuclear weapons)
2b. "Yeah, right," mutters isolationist adviser @@NAME_8@@ as @@HE_8@@ shoves @@NAME_7@@ aside. "First we're sharing scientific research, but where will it end? What it we get nuclear weapons? Will we share the nuclear codes with our enemies?"
Hmm. That's an interesting twist. Maybe include some text somewhere that suggests that he had an ulterior motive for encouraging you to kill off a group of people that he neglected to remind you just so happened to include the person who needed to die for him to get his job.Techolandia wrote:1. "Those meddling international idiots don't understand what we're dealing with!" yells @@NAME_6@@, who is now your permanent Minister of Health, following the former Minister of Health's infection with HELPS, while getting some charts out of @@HIS_6@@ folder.
I assume you don't actually intend for these parentheticals to be in the final issue?Techolandia wrote:"Manamana, 75%, San Ari (basically tropical Argentina), 71%, Suryanela (basically northern South America), 86%..."
We usually avoid referencing real-world history in NationStates, not just because it's a touchy subject but also because, well, we aren't real-world nations. Consider referencing in-universe atrocities instead, such as the Butcher of Bigtopia.Techolandia wrote:"Your crematoriums remind me of the Holocaust,"
I like this one. I'm always for silly ministriesTecholandia wrote:3. "You know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the international community got involved," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Getting Others to do Things for You, after @@NAME_10@@ has left the room. "First they'll send observers, but when HELPS cases in @@NAME@@ climb again, they'll feel responsible and delegate some resources. All we have to do is defund and discontinue all other parts of our HELPS-prevention strategy, and then they'll run and fund our health system for us. Sure, we'll be taking advantage of them, but they won't know that."
I think having someone just show up offering a ready-made vaccine is too convenient, compared to other paths where it takes an international effort, yours included, to produce results.Techolandia wrote:1. "It's time to stop being too proud," begins @@NAME_10@@, Brancaland's ambassador to @@NAME@@, as @@HE_10@@ takes notes on the state of your health system to send back home, "to request help from the international community. We're already providing aid to Suryanela, Manamana, San Ari, and more (see 1340.1 for explanations of names), and we'd also be willing to help you if you'd let us. Every day, @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, attempting to flee the epidemic, and mosquitoes bring the disease north to our people. We've developed vaccines and medicines, and all we need is for you to open your borders and ports to international aid. For the sake of both of our countries, please say yes."
Fallout: "Made in Brancaland" labels frequent HELPS medications in @@NAME@@.
leads to #1344: Eradication Alliance
Joyfully? That doesn't sound like PTSD.Techolandia wrote:1. "What a wonderful thing, a country all to ourselves!" joyfully shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, who probably developed both PTSD and a neurosis during the past two weeks, as @@HE_11@@ as he twirls and dances through the abandoned streets. "With only others who survived the epidemic thanks to your actions alive to vote, you can enforce whatever policies you want! @@NAME@@'s new beginning will be even better than it's first one."
This isn't an option. It's not doing anything. Saying you should have done something differently earlier after it's too late to revert the consequences doesn't accomplish anything. What are you going to do about it now?Techolandia wrote:2. "Have you forsaken us?" accuses @@RANDOMNAME_12@@, the only HELPS-infected @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ who survived, while snacking on food that @@HE_12@@ attained by resorting to looting. "Infected or not, we're all @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, or at least we were when we were all alive," he says between sobs before breaking out into all-out tears. Regaining his composure after several minutes, @@HE_12@@ finishes, "You should have taken care of all of us, and if that's not your priority, I'm leaving for Brancaland."
(does not lead to anything)
"Escaped".Techolandia wrote:who has somehow escape the restraints put around him
Techolandia wrote:The issue: Your combined efforts have been successful, and HELPS has been declared to have gone the way of smallpox. With live viruses only present in laboratories, the disease now poses no threat to humankind. However, there are still other diseases that are prevalent throughout the world. What do you do about them?
The debate:
1. "Of course you must help us on our new task to eradicate polio worldwide!" begins Julius Pallet, Brancaland's governor-general and host of the international conference about disease eradication that you have decided to attend, as he shakes your hand. "Your efforts so far have been very much appreciated, and we'd love to see you continue. In fact, maybe instead of having you help eradicate diseases that we already know about, you can help us discover new ones before they spread. Brasilistan, Blackacre, and Marche Noire have already chosen this option. Just sign the treaty here, please." He hands you a pen.
(does not lead to anything)
The canonical demonym, as of #29, is Marche Noirians.Techolandia wrote:Marche Noriers
by Techolandia » Thu Mar 01, 2018 8:02 am
Trotterdam wrote:Wow, this is pretty good for a player-made issue chain!
Your writing is pretty solid and you have a decent grasp of the macros.
Your effect lines are mostly missing and the few you have are poor, but you acknowledged that and said you were soliciting for suggestions, so that's fair.
Trotterdam wrote:I don't think public schooling matters too much. Anything you teach to children in schools now will only filter into the knowledge of the adult population multiple years from now, and epidemics usually come and go faster than that.Techolandia wrote:(only for nations with public schooling)
2a. "No, there are already @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ infected," counters @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@, who got HELPS from her husband in the bedroom when they thought that his cough was just a cold, as she takes the phone from him. "We need greater education to prevent the spread of HELPS and other diseases like it. Mandatory infectious disease prevention units in all health classes! Think of our children. We might even be having another one."
leads to #1336: Informed but Infected
(only for nations without public schooling)
2b. "No, there are already @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ infected," counters @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@, who got HELPS from her husband in the bedroom when they thought that his cough was just a cold, as she takes the phone from him. "We need greater public awareness to prevent the spread of HELPS and other diseases like it. Information posters posted throughout @@NAME@@! Think of the @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@. Think of them."
leads to #1336: Informed but Infected
Trotterdam wrote:This is unclear about what it wants to do. What would "repenting" entail? Are you actually forcing citizens to participate some kind of religious ritual? Is that ritual just some prayer or something more intrusive on people's lifestyle?Techolandia wrote:3. "The real reason that this outbreak is befalling us is because our citizens have sinned," declares @@RANDOMNAME_3@@, a cleric of @@RELIGION@@, as @@HE_3@@ is bitten by a mosquito that bit @@FEMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@ yesterday. "Do to their heretical ways, the Great One has punished them with this foul pestilence. They must repent to heal, and I can help them."
Fallout: The Ministry of Spirituality has taken over the Ministry of Health.
leads to #1337: Clerical Calamity
Since this is an issue chain, the followup issue can help clarify details that the initial option left vague (by letting you decide them), but slightly more immediate detail is a good idea. Ideally, each option should explicitly do something on its own.
Also, coming back after having read further down, your proposed followup does not clarify any details. In fact, it only has two options, which are basically "continue the previous decision" or "nope, that was a mistake". As a guideline, each issue should have at least two options that build on, rather than reverse, your previous decision.
Trotterdam wrote:"Killed-virus vaccine" might be a somewhat technical term to suddenly drop on players, especially since the previous option didn't mention anything about how vaccines work.Techolandia wrote:5. "Why waste precious time working on a killed-virus vaccine when we already have something just as good?
Also, you're missing a closing quote.
Trotterdam wrote:Consider the fact that some nations have very high income equality, or even communist economies, where citizens probably wouldn't be expected to buy their own bug spray to begin with.Techolandia wrote:#1336: An Impending Epidemic: Informed but Infected
The story: You decided to avert a potential epidemic of HELPS by informing the public about symptoms of the disease and how to prevent its transmission.
The lead: While your strategy was effective in reducing cases significantly among @@NAME@@'s upper class, many @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ who live in poverty and can barely make ends meet as it is can not afford to buy the necessary supplies, like bug spray, to prevent infection. With rapidly increasing infection rates among @@NAME@@'s poor threatening to spill over to the rich, something must be done.That's @@RANDOMNAME@@, you're not talking about the name of the nation.Techolandia wrote:Deputy Minister of Health @@NAME_6@@,
More pointedly, however, keep in mind that numbered name references are only kept consistent within the same issue. So you should reset the numbering for each issue, no point in starting at 6. If you want a character with the same name to appear in multiple issues, you have to use a fixed name.
Trotterdam wrote:That does a rather sudden 180-degree turn going from sounding really compassionate (working together both for faster results and so other nations can benefit too) to suddenly sounding really selfish and rude.Techolandia wrote:1. "While we may not be able to finish this in time alone," begins @@RANDOMNAME_7@@, one of the few healthy scientists left, as @@HE_7@@ prepares to upload all vaccine research done so far onto an international database, "other countries have also been working on this. If we collaborate with them, we may be able to supply not only @@NAME@@ but all other infected countries with a vaccine and a cure. Or, if it turns out they've already developed something, we'll just steal their research and pass it off as our own. They'll get annoyed, but who cares?"
Fallout: Lawyers hired to defend @@NAME@@ in an international research theft lawsuit contract HELPS.
leads to #1344: Eradication Alliance
Trotterdam wrote:Techolandia wrote:#1336: An Impending Epidemic: Informed but Infected
The story: You decided to avert a potential epidemic of HELPS by informing the public about symptoms of the disease and how to prevent its transmission.
The lead: While your strategy was effective in reducing cases significantly among @@NAME@@'s upper class, many @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ who live in poverty and can barely make ends meet as it is can not afford to buy the necessary supplies, like bug spray, to prevent infection. With rapidly increasing infection rates among @@NAME@@'s poor threatening to spill over to the rich, something must be done.
The debate:
1. "This is just another reason why we need to take care of the lower class," begins @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Social Welfare. "We need to lower taxes for the lower class and give them increased social welfare so they can afford to buy mosquito nets and such. Or we could just go the direct way and give them the actual goods. That would probably be better, actually."
leads to #1339: Help for HELPSDid you mistype one of your numbers? This option says nothing about introducing MELPS, and I already thought it looked out-of-place compared to the other options that lead to #1339.Techolandia wrote:#1339: An Impending Epidemic: Help for HELPS
The story: Faced with HELPS approaching and beginning to cross the borders into your country, you took decisive action, including using MELPS to build immunity among @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, to prevent a widespread epidemic in @@NAME@@.
Trotterdam wrote:Nah. Make the speaker worried about something the nation already has. Nations without nukes still have plenty of sensitive military (or other) secrets. And of course, sillier is better.Techolandia wrote:(only for nations without nuclear weapons)
2b. "Yeah, right," mutters isolationist adviser @@NAME_8@@ as @@HE_8@@ shoves @@NAME_7@@ aside. "First we're sharing scientific research, but where will it end? What it we get nuclear weapons? Will we share the nuclear codes with our enemies?"
Trotterdam wrote:Hmm. That's an interesting twist. Maybe include some text somewhere that suggests that he had an ulterior motive for encouraging you to kill off a group of people that he neglected to remind you just so happened to include the person who needed to die for him to get his job.Techolandia wrote:1. "Those meddling international idiots don't understand what we're dealing with!" yells @@NAME_6@@, who is now your permanent Minister of Health, following the former Minister of Health's infection with HELPS, while getting some charts out of @@HIS_6@@ folder.
Trotterdam wrote:I assume you don't actually intend for these parentheticals to be in the final issue?Techolandia wrote:"Manamana, 75%, San Ari (basically tropical Argentina), 71%, Suryanela (basically northern South America), 86%..."
If a new NPC nation's nature isn't relevant to the narrative, don't mention it. Let future issue authors flesh them out.
Do note that we have East Calypso (and, presumably, West Calypso) as an additional tropical nation now. Or, you know, you could use Ausblic or Tasmania, since you said the disease started in the south.
Trotterdam wrote:We usually avoid referencing real-world history in NationStates, not just because it's a touchy subject but also because, well, we aren't real-world nations. Consider referencing in-universe atrocities instead, such as the Butcher of Bigtopia.Techolandia wrote:"Your crematoriums remind me of the Holocaust,"
Trotterdam wrote:I like this one. I'm always for silly ministriesTecholandia wrote:3. "You know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the international community got involved," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Getting Others to do Things for You, after @@NAME_10@@ has left the room. "First they'll send observers, but when HELPS cases in @@NAME@@ climb again, they'll feel responsible and delegate some resources. All we have to do is defund and discontinue all other parts of our HELPS-prevention strategy, and then they'll run and fund our health system for us. Sure, we'll be taking advantage of them, but they won't know that."
Trotterdam wrote:I think having someone just show up offering a ready-made vaccine is too convenient, compared to other paths where it takes an international effort, yours included, to produce results.Techolandia wrote:1. "It's time to stop being too proud," begins @@NAME_10@@, Brancaland's ambassador to @@NAME@@, as @@HE_10@@ takes notes on the state of your health system to send back home, "to request help from the international community. We're already providing aid to Suryanela, Manamana, San Ari, and more (see 1340.1 for explanations of names), and we'd also be willing to help you if you'd let us. Every day, @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, attempting to flee the epidemic, and mosquitoes bring the disease north to our people. We've developed vaccines and medicines, and all we need is for you to open your borders and ports to international aid. For the sake of both of our countries, please say yes."
Fallout: "Made in Brancaland" labels frequent HELPS medications in @@NAME@@.
leads to #1344: Eradication Alliance
You can still have Brancaland offer to help, but tone it down from them already having a cure to them having some promising preliminary results that they'd like your help testing.
Trotterdam wrote:Joyfully? That doesn't sound like PTSD.Techolandia wrote:1. "What a wonderful thing, a country all to ourselves!" joyfully shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, who probably developed both PTSD and a neurosis during the past two weeks, as @@HE_11@@ as he twirls and dances through the abandoned streets. "With only others who survived the epidemic thanks to your actions alive to vote, you can enforce whatever policies you want! @@NAME@@'s new beginning will be even better than it's first one."
Trotterdam wrote:Also, you need variants for nations without elections. (Which, remember, can include both autocracies and sortition...)
Trotterdam wrote:This isn't an option. It's not doing anything. Saying you should have done something differently earlier after it's too late to revert the consequences doesn't accomplish anything. What are you going to do about it now?Techolandia wrote:2. "Have you forsaken us?" accuses @@RANDOMNAME_12@@, the only HELPS-infected @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ who survived, while snacking on food that @@HE_12@@ attained by resorting to looting. "Infected or not, we're all @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, or at least we were when we were all alive," he says between sobs before breaking out into all-out tears. Regaining his composure after several minutes, @@HE_12@@ finishes, "You should have taken care of all of us, and if that's not your priority, I'm leaving for Brancaland."
(does not lead to anything)
Trotterdam wrote:Techolandia wrote:The issue: Your combined efforts have been successful, and HELPS has been declared to have gone the way of smallpox. With live viruses only present in laboratories, the disease now poses no threat to humankind. However, there are still other diseases that are prevalent throughout the world. What do you do about them?
The debate:
1. "Of course you must help us on our new task to eradicate polio worldwide!" begins Julius Pallet, Brancaland's governor-general and host of the international conference about disease eradication that you have decided to attend, as he shakes your hand. "Your efforts so far have been very much appreciated, and we'd love to see you continue. In fact, maybe instead of having you help eradicate diseases that we already know about, you can help us discover new ones before they spread. Brasilistan, Blackacre, and Marche Noire have already chosen this option. Just sign the treaty here, please." He hands you a pen.
(does not lead to anything)Interesting that you would choose three of NationStates's more morally-dubious NPC nations for this.Oh, I see that was intentional, you mention it in the next option!
I think you should have this make a point of researching diseases that other nations are suffering from (especially the aforementioned not-too-friendly ones) but aren't currently found in @@NAME@@.
Trotterdam wrote:
Oh, and one more thing: I've noticed that you keep using "Latin @@NAME@@" to refer to somewhere that's to the south of @@NAME@@. That's way too Americentric. Don't.
Trotterdam wrote:I'll be following this thread, but that's all I can type right now. It's getting late.
by Candlewhisper Archive » Thu Mar 01, 2018 10:00 am
Trotterdam wrote:Wow, this is pretty good for a player-made issue chain!
Your writing is pretty solid and you have a decent grasp of the macros.
by Trotterdam » Thu Mar 01, 2018 10:07 am
True, but you should keep timing sensible within a single storyline. You can vary how much in-universe time passes between issues (so some are immediate half-hour-later responses while others take a week to see the results), but not have two aspects of the nation explicitly move at different rates.Techolandia wrote:Yeah, but NS time isn't always at a one-to-one correspondence with real time.
Now that would be silly, but the good kind of silly. If you do that, I retract my objections.Techolandia wrote:Also, what if the children tell their parents what to do? That could lead to a fallout like, "Children tell their parents which brand of mosquito net is best," or something.
Understandable, but then again, not all religions would be arguing that medicine is evil, either.Techolandia wrote:I intentionally stayed general with the religion because I was worried that doing so could risk contradicting the state religions of nations with at least 1 billion citizens who have already chosen a state religion.
Like I said, you can use fixed names, like you already did with Edward Jenner.Techolandia wrote:I thought that I could make it consistent throughout the whole chain. Is there another fix besides just not mentioning names?
I don't mean the stats. I mean the option text that's visible to players who receive the issue should more clearly propose an action.Techolandia wrote:I think that I was going to make it about improving the health system for the next epidemic and having it increase inclusiveness. I'm not sure, though.Trotterdam wrote:This isn't an option. It's not doing anything. Saying you should have done something differently earlier after it's too late to revert the consequences doesn't accomplish anything. What are you going to do about it now?
By making the country north of Manamana and south of Brancaland, I think that I put it in the place of the States in the Zika narrative. Polio no longer infects Americans (besides those who got polio while traveling elsewhere)./quote]If you don't say it in the issue narrative, then it didn't happen.Techolandia wrote:Interesting that you would choose three of NationStates's more morally-dubious NPC nations for this.Oh, I see that was intentional, you mention it in the next option!
I think you should have this make a point of researching diseases that other nations are suffering from (especially the aforementioned not-too-friendly ones) but aren't currently found in @@NAME@@.
Max Barry is from Australia. The UN headquarters are in New York.Techolandia wrote:To be fair, Max Barry is probably from, lives in, or once lived in New York, based on the fact that the UN letter implies that Max Barry must abide by New York state law.
Now that you mention it, I noticed that you typoed "Brancalanadian" instead of "Brancalandian". Other than that, you're good.Techolandia wrote:Thanks. I'll fix that. Is the demonym that I used for Brancaland okay?
You can just use "nations to your south" or something. #321 is clearly alluding to Mexico without naming any names.Trotterdam wrote:Again, I was using the Zika spread story. Do you have any suggestions for what I should call it instead?
by Techolandia » Thu Mar 01, 2018 12:01 pm
Trotterdam wrote:True, but you should keep timing sensible within a single storyline. You can vary how much in-universe time passes between issues (so some are immediate half-hour-later responses while others take a week to see the results), but not have two aspects of the nation explicitly move at different rates.Techolandia wrote:Yeah, but NS time isn't always at a one-to-one correspondence with real time.Now that would be silly, but the good kind of silly. If you do that, I retract my objections.Techolandia wrote:Also, what if the children tell their parents what to do? That could lead to a fallout like, "Children tell their parents which brand of mosquito net is best," or something.
Trotterdam wrote:Understandable, but then again, not all religions would be arguing that medicine is evil, either.Techolandia wrote:I intentionally stayed general with the religion because I was worried that doing so could risk contradicting the state religions of nations with at least 1 billion citizens who have already chosen a state religion.
It's a difficult balance to strike between being vague enough to be applicable to many religions while still saying something meaningful, but you need to try. For an example that just came to me, many religions across the world use fasting as a form of spiritual cleansing, as it shows dedication to your cause and detachment from material concerns. Fasting also sounds like one of the worst things you could possibly try doing when you're sick.
Trotterdam wrote:I don't mean the stats. I mean the option text that's visible to players who receive the issue should more clearly propose an action.Techolandia wrote:I think that I was going to make it about improving the health system for the next epidemic and having it increase inclusiveness. I'm not sure, though.
Even simply apologizing would be doing something, though not much, in a way that merely saying you should have done things differently doesn't.
Trotterdam wrote:Interesting that you would choose three of NationStates's more morally-dubious NPC nations for this.Oh, I see that was intentional, you mention it in the next option!
Trotterdam wrote:Techolandia wrote:By making the country north of Manamana and south of Brancaland, I think that I put it in the place of the States in the Zika narrative. Polio no longer infects Americans (besides those who got polio while traveling elsewhere)./quote]If you don't say it in the issue narrative, then it didn't happen.
Trotterdam wrote:Max Barry is from Australia. The UN headquarters are in New York.
Trotterdam wrote:Now that you mention it, I noticed that you typoed "Brancalanadian" instead of "Brancalandian". Other than that, you're good.
How about the southern outskirts of @@REGION@@ or something like that?
by Trotterdam » Thu Mar 01, 2018 1:26 pm
I'm pretty sure trademarks are enforced by international law. Australia has probably agreed by treaty to abide by any valid trademarks registered in the United States.Techolandia wrote:If Max Barry lives in Australia, then why does he have to follow American federal law and New York state law?
Not usually, though that's a good suggestion for a future addition. The best way to come by this stuff is to seach the issues in the spoiler thread.Techolandia wrote:I figured that demonyms would be listed in the list of nations if they had already been decided upon,
Yeah, that's good. Citing @@REGION@@ gives some sense of specifity without intruding on players' canon.
by Techolandia » Thu Mar 01, 2018 6:46 pm
by Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Mar 02, 2018 5:20 am
Techolandia wrote:The issue will start on 1334, the first year of a major Eurasian Black Plague pandemic. Because coming up with all of the issues was enough, I'm only going to bother writing some of the fallouts and let others decide the rest.
#1334: An Impending Epidemic: Disease on Our Doorstep
The lead: Over the past few years or so, a disease known as Human Epidemic of the Lymphatic and Pulmonary Systems, or HELPS, for short, has been steadily creeping northwards through @@REGION@@, creating epidemics in countries south of @@NAME@@. It is highly contagious, and now, with the disease season upcoming, @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are starting to get infected. Something must be done, but the question is: What?
The debate:
1. "I can't believe this!" shouts @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@ over the phone from his house. "I just decided to visit sunny Manamana down south, I come back, break out with symptoms, and the doctor says that I have HELPS and have to stay home, lest I infect other people! I hadn't even heard of HELPS before, and I doubt that most @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have, either. Impose travel restrictions on all countries with a single case! I doubt that the population will resent it; I certainly wouldn't have gone if I had known that I'd get HELPS."
leads to #1335: Domestic Disease
(only for nations with public schooling)
2a. "No, there are already @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ infected," counters @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@, who got HELPS from her husband in the bedroom when they thought that his cough was just a cold, as she takes the phone from him. "We need greater education to prevent the spread of HELPS and other diseases like it. Mandatory infectious disease prevention classes for all citizens! Think of our children. We might even be having another one."
Fallout: Parents find their kindergarten through college graduation certificates voided until they complete pathology classes.
leads to #1336: Informed but Infected
3. "The real reason that this outbreak is befalling us is because our citizens have sinned," declares @@RANDOMNAME_3@@, a cleric of @@RELIGION@@, as @@HE_3@@ is bitten by a mosquito that bit @@FEMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@ yesterday. "Do to their heretical ways, the Great One has punished them with this foul pestilence. They must repent to heal, and I can help them. Fasting and prayer!"
Fallout: The Ministry of Spirituality has taken over the Ministry of Health.
leads to #1337: Clerical Calamity
4. "Religion? Why listen to that nonsense?" rhetorically asks your Minister of Health, who wants to keep @@HIS_4@@ job, as @@HE_4@@ takes @@NAME_3@@'s pulse. "It has no scientific basis, and a bunch of 'cleansing rituals' can actually worsen a person's physical state. No, instead we must upgrade our health systems to treat the sick, as well as pour in funds for a vaccine and a cure. The research will be costly and will take a while, but once it's finally done, it will have been worth every penny."
Fallout: Vaccine researchers, plagued with setbacks, get infected with HELPS.
leads to #1338: Research Woes
5. "Why waste precious time working on a killed-virus vaccine when we already have something just as good?" rhetorically asks Edward Jenner, standing a safe distance away from the infected individuals and using a coffee ground filter as an effective breathing mask. "Infection with MELPS, or Monkey Epidemic of the…, creates immunity to all varieties of PELPS, or Primate Epidemic…, even HELPS. Plus, MELPS only generates mild symptoms with no risk of death—except in infants and the elderly. Also, it's not contagious in humans except for blood transfusions, but that means that each person will have to be vaccinated separately. And it'll be tough convincing the anti-vaccine people…"
Fallout: Annual MELPS deaths in @@NAME@@ have spiked from 0 to 11.
leads to #1339: Help for HELPS
by Techolandia » Fri Mar 02, 2018 8:26 am
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Techolandia wrote:The issue will start on 1334, the first year of a major Eurasian Black Plague pandemic. Because coming up with all of the issues was enough, I'm only going to bother writing some of the fallouts and let others decide the rest.
That's some way down the line, but sensible to plan ahead!#1334: An Impending Epidemic: Disease on Our Doorstep
The lead: Over the past few years or so, a disease known as Human Epidemic of the Lymphatic and Pulmonary Systems, or HELPS, for short, has been steadily creeping northwards through @@REGION@@, creating epidemics in countries south of @@NAME@@. It is highly contagious, and now, with the disease season upcoming, @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are starting to get infected. Something must be done, but the question is: What?
I'd note there's a real life medical condition called HELLP Syndrome. While that's not a deal breaker, I'd suggest it would be better to come up with a new acronym.
The game currently has VODAIS as an AIDS analogue, but I get the feeling you're going more for the Ebola outbreak.
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:The debate:
1. "I can't believe this!" shouts @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@ over the phone from his house. "I just decided to visit sunny Manamana down south, I come back, break out with symptoms, and the doctor says that I have HELPS and have to stay home, lest I infect other people! I hadn't even heard of HELPS before, and I doubt that most @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have, either. Impose travel restrictions on all countries with a single case! I doubt that the population will resent it; I certainly wouldn't have gone if I had known that I'd get HELPS."
leads to #1335: Domestic Disease
I think your option speakers don't have a lot of differentiating character. Largely they have the same patterns of speech, and essentially the same voice. This one here, for example, is someone who has contracted a deadly infectious disease that we know is affecting his lungs, and which presumably is going to be something scary, painful and fatal. Yet he doesn't sound breathless, scared nor in pain. Likewise, the option he is proposing doesn't seem to be the sort of thing that someone who is terminally ill and infected would be suggesting.
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Also, you've missed the fallout off here.(only for nations with public schooling)
2a. "No, there are already @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ infected," counters @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@, who got HELPS from her husband in the bedroom when they thought that his cough was just a cold, as she takes the phone from him. "We need greater education to prevent the spread of HELPS and other diseases like it. Mandatory infectious disease prevention classes for all citizens! Think of our children. We might even be having another one."
Fallout: Parents find their kindergarten through college graduation certificates voided until they complete pathology classes.
leads to #1336: Informed but Infected
Again, there's a fail of verisimilitude here. You have here a character who has caught the bug because she found out too late, and isn't in any way resentful or frightened. Instead she's talking like a policy-maker reacting to her situation.
The effect line here isn't in the format effect lines should be in. Honestly, if an author is going to take on an issue chain, they have to know the basics, like how effect lines should be presented, and why an effect line like this isn't the right approach.
Trotterdam wrote:Now that would be silly, but the good kind of silly. If you do that, I retract my objections.Techolandia wrote:Also, what if the children tell their parents what to do? That could lead to a fallout like, "Children tell their parents which brand of mosquito net is best," or something.
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:3. "The real reason that this outbreak is befalling us is because our citizens have sinned," declares @@RANDOMNAME_3@@, a cleric of @@RELIGION@@, as @@HE_3@@ is bitten by a mosquito that bit @@FEMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@ yesterday. "Do to their heretical ways, the Great One has punished them with this foul pestilence. They must repent to heal, and I can help them. Fasting and prayer!"
Fallout: The Ministry of Spirituality has taken over the Ministry of Health.
leads to #1337: Clerical Calamity
This is too out of left-field for this early in an issue chain, and is too by-the-book in NS cliche terms. The effect line, again, isn't of the style, format or quality required.
Trotterdam wrote:Understandable, but then again, not all religions would be arguing that medicine is evil, either.Techolandia wrote:I intentionally stayed general with the religion because I was worried that doing so could risk contradicting the state religions of nations with at least 1 billion citizens who have already chosen a state religion.
It's a difficult balance to strike between being vague enough to be applicable to many religions while still saying something meaningful, but you need to try. For an example that just came to me, many religions across the world use fasting as a form of spiritual cleansing, as it shows dedication to your cause and detachment from material concerns. Fasting also sounds like one of the worst things you could possibly try doing when you're sick.
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:4. "Religion? Why listen to that nonsense?" rhetorically asks your Minister of Health, who wants to keep @@HIS_4@@ job, as @@HE_4@@ takes @@NAME_3@@'s pulse. "It has no scientific basis, and a bunch of 'cleansing rituals' can actually worsen a person's physical state. No, instead we must upgrade our health systems to treat the sick, as well as pour in funds for a vaccine and a cure. The research will be costly and will take a while, but once it's finally done, it will have been worth every penny."
Fallout: Vaccine researchers, plagued with setbacks, get infected with HELPS.
leads to #1338: Research Woes
You upgrade your systems and you get researchers catching the bug? That makes very little sense to me.
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:5. "Why waste precious time working on a killed-virus vaccine when we already have something just as good?" rhetorically asks Edward Jenner, standing a safe distance away from the infected individuals and using a coffee ground filter as an effective breathing mask. "Infection with MELPS, or Monkey Epidemic of the…, creates immunity to all varieties of PELPS, or Primate Epidemic…, even HELPS. Plus, MELPS only generates mild symptoms with no risk of death—except in infants and the elderly. Also, it's not contagious in humans except for blood transfusions, but that means that each person will have to be vaccinated separately. And it'll be tough convincing the anti-vaccine people…"
Fallout: Annual MELPS deaths in @@NAME@@ have spiked from 0 to 11.
leads to #1339: Help for HELPS
Nice to reference Jenner, that's the first thing I've really liked here.
There's story inconsistencies here. Earlier speakers were on the phone, yet now we see Jenner standing nearby and protecting himself from infection.
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:The option is somewhat unclear and muddled in what it is proposing. The fallout is nonsensical out of context, which is problematic, as often fallouts are encountered by third party nations reading a nation's front page descriptions. Besides that, it's not a funny line anyway, and is directly contradictory of the option saying that MELPS has no risk of death. That's not a bait-and-switch, that's just straight out lying to the player.
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Looking through that first issue, I think it indicates that your issue writing is not in a place where you can present a chain yet. I suggest get more published issues under your belt first, and perhaps get to the stage where you can present drafts that look almost ready to publish from the first draft - the sort of level that Chan Island, Singapore No 2, A Humanist Science and a few other regulars have reached.
Right now, you're frankly not ready to present a chain that wouldn't be more work for an editor than writing a chain themselves. To get a chain published you'll need an editor who buys in to your chain 100%, and is ready to do the 50+ hours of work of translating that into the game. As things stand, that doesn't seem likely to happen.
So, good effort, and you're a good enough author to get published for single issues, but you're not quite there for chain writing. Not yet anyway.
I was responding to your post as I read it, so I assumed that you would respond to my response, but I've already taken the time to write it, so I might as well post it.Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Trotterdam is being much more generous than me, seeing much the same flaws but acknowledging your can-do attitude and willingness to improve things. That in mind, I'd say don't throw this away. Keep at it, and get it to a place where you think it's a good issue chain that you'd be happy to submit. At that stage give me a telegram, and I'll look over it again.
by Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Mar 02, 2018 8:30 am
by USS Monitor » Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:07 pm
by Techolandia » Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:31 pm
No; it was just supposed to be a standard over-dramatic fallout. I don't even even know Spinal Tap is, but I could put in some references about that if you provide me with some.USS Monitor wrote:Is the thing about deaths spiking from 0 to 11 meant to be a Spinal Tap reference? If so, Spinal Tap is awesome and you should put more references to make it more obvious.
by USS Monitor » Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:42 pm
Techolandia wrote:No; it was just supposed to be a standard over-dramatic fallout. I don't even even know Spinal Tap is, but I could put in some references about that if you provide me with some.USS Monitor wrote:Is the thing about deaths spiking from 0 to 11 meant to be a Spinal Tap reference? If so, Spinal Tap is awesome and you should put more references to make it more obvious.
by Jutsa » Sun Mar 04, 2018 9:34 am
I wholeheartedly agree with this.It's worth watching the movie if you have a chance.
by Techolandia » Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:34 pm
I think that a wider variety of references might be better. Now that you describe it, I am having vague memories about the players talking about their lead drummer spontaneously combusting during a performance from a The Eighties episode about TV on CNN. But I think that that's the only clip from Spinal Tap that the episode had.USS Monitor wrote:Techolandia wrote:No; it was just supposed to be a standard over-dramatic fallout. I don't even even know Spinal Tap is, but I could put in some references about that if you provide me with some.
It's a mockumentary about a rock band, and the scene I thought you might be referencing is when they're talking about their amplifiers. They explain that the volume on a normal amplifier goes from 0 to 10, but on the amp they have, it goes to 11. The interviewer asks why they couldn't just get an amp that goes from 0 to 10, but is louder, and the guys from the band answer, "but this one goes to 11," as if they don't understand what the interviewer is saying. The way they deliver the line is really funny. Anything about going up to 11, there's a chance you're going to have readers thinking of that scene.
It's worth watching the movie if you have a chance.
by Trotterdam » Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:44 pm
by Techolandia » Sun Mar 04, 2018 1:15 pm
I removed it. Ironically, I came back online to change it toTrotterdam wrote:Forced references are worse than no references. Use them only where they feel natural, and the text still makes sense to people not familiar with the reference.
The debate:
1. "I can't believe this!" exclaims @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@ over the phone from his house, periodically stopping to cough or gasp. "I decide to visit sunny Manamana down south, I come back, I break out with symptoms, and the doctor says that I have HELPS and have to stay home, lest I infect other people! I hadn't even heard of HELPS before, and I doubt that most @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have, either. Impose travel restrictions on all countries with a single case! I doubt that the population will resent it; I certainly wouldn't have gone if I had known that I'd get HELPS." He breaks into a coughing fit, which ends abruptly with the sound of an explosion
Fallout: The number of annual spontaneous combustion cases has risen from 0 to 11.
leads to #1335: Domestic Disease
(only for nations with public schooling)
2a. "My poor husband," wails @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@, who got HELPS from her husband in the bedroom when they thought that his cough was just a cold, as she picked up the phone, "was until now one of already many @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ infected, so it's no use trying to keep out a disease that's already inside our borders." Her sobs start to transition to coughs. "Instead, we need greater education to prevent the spread of HELPS and other diseases like it." She stops to cough and clear her throat before continuing, "Mandatory infectious disease prevention units in all health classes! Think of our children."
Fallout: Children tell their parents which brand of mosquito net to buy.
leads to #1336: Informed but Infected
by USS Monitor » Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:28 pm
Techolandia wrote:I think that a wider variety of references might be better. Now that you describe it, I am having vague memories about the players talking about their lead drummer spontaneously combusting during a performance from a The Eighties episode about TV on CNN. But I think that that's the only clip from Spinal Tap that the episode had.USS Monitor wrote:It's a mockumentary about a rock band, and the scene I thought you might be referencing is when they're talking about their amplifiers. They explain that the volume on a normal amplifier goes from 0 to 10, but on the amp they have, it goes to 11. The interviewer asks why they couldn't just get an amp that goes from 0 to 10, but is louder, and the guys from the band answer, "but this one goes to 11," as if they don't understand what the interviewer is saying. The way they deliver the line is really funny. Anything about going up to 11, there's a chance you're going to have readers thinking of that scene.
It's worth watching the movie if you have a chance.
by Techolandia » Sun Mar 04, 2018 8:27 pm
I researched the band and put three more references in, two about drummers choking to death on vomit and one about an eighteen feet vs. eighteen inches-high model (eighteen meters vs. eighteen decimeters in circumference for countries that have gone metric).USS Monitor wrote:Techolandia wrote:I think that a wider variety of references might be better. Now that you describe it, I am having vague memories about the players talking about their lead drummer spontaneously combusting during a performance from a The Eighties episode about TV on CNN. But I think that that's the only clip from Spinal Tap that the episode had.
Yeah, they go through a lot of drummers, including one who spontaneously combusts. It's a running joke. But it's not my job to write the issues for you and put the references in.
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