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[Submitted] Patriotic or Patriarchal?

PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 12:53 pm
by Dolor Mortis
Based on the current debate over the Canadian National Anthem.

Ttitle: "Patriotic or Patriarchal?"
Valid for: nations who answered issue 633, excludes 633.7 and 633.8
The Issue: Yesterday afternoon, a session of Parliament was concluded with a bill changing the national anthem's male lyrics to gender neutral ones. After severe backlash, several people have come to voice their opinions.

[Option 1]: @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old MP, slams open your office door with a copy of the bill in her hands. "I'm all for women's rights, but this is ridiculous!" she persists, and slams the bill on your desk. "I'm a woman, and like the majority of women in @@NAME@@, none of us cared what it originally said. I say leave it be."
[Effect]: women's rights move one step forward and two steps back

[Option 2]: A blond teen messily eating a ramen bowl steps inside. "Hey! I'm @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Uzumaki, and this is a great idea, believe it!" @@HE@@ slurps @@HIS@@ ramen quickly. "This shows that we value everyone, and if we change here, then everyone can change with us. The true path to peace is through understanding."
[Effect]: re-editing government databases to be gender neutral is absurdly time consuming


[Option 3]: "All of this trouble was caused by deciding on an national anthem," says your Minister of Bland Solutions in a monotone voice. "Let's just repeal it. Who needs a tune to bind our people anyway?"
[Effect]: a moment of silence is played during international events to represent @@NAME@@

Valid for nations with marriage
[Option 4a]: "Hey, that's boring. What you need is to show our people how we can show our love for women everywhere," says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a totally whipped and devoted househusband. "Instead of 'mansplaining', I just make sure to put things in my wife's point of view. You should try that too."
[Effect]: men working in record archives have to ask women how they should be portrayed in history

Valid for nations who banned marriage
[Option 4b]: "Hey, that's boring. What you need is to show our people how we can show our love for women everywhere," says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a totally whipped and devoted domestic partner of many years. "Instead of 'mansplaining', I just make sure to put things in my girlfriend's point of view. You should try that too."
[Effect]: men working in record archives have to ask women how they should be portrayed in history

The Issue: Yesterday afternoon, a session of Parliament was concluded with a bill changing the national anthem's male lyrics to gender neutral ones. After severe backlash, several people have came to voice their opinions.

[Option 1]: @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old MP, slams open your office door with a copy of the bill in her hands. "I'm all for women's rights, but this is ridiculous!" she persisted, and slams the bill on your desk. "I'm a woman, and like the majority of women in @@NAME@@, none of us cared what it originally said. I say leave it be."
[Effect]: women's rights move one step forward and two steps back

[Option 2]: A blond teen messily eating a ramen bowl steps inside. "Hey! I'm @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Uzumaki, and this is a great idea, believe it!" @@HE@@ slurps @@HIS@@ ramen quickly. "This shows that we value everyone, and if we change here, then everyone can change with us. The true path to peace is through understanding."
[Effect]: re-editing government databases to be gender neutral is absurdly time consuming

Valid for high apathy and pacifism
[Option 3a]: "Why should I care, I don't even know the lyrics in the first place," lazily drawls @@RANDOMNAME@@, an average citizen. "We should just stay with what we've got, and no one will care. Please don't bother to ask my opinion about current trends in @@MajorIndustry@@."
[Effect]: while foreigners stand for the national anthem, @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ sit like bumps on logs

Valid for high apathy and Defense forces
[Option 3b]: "What?" yells, General @@randomlastname@@, of the @@demonynplural@@ Armed Forces. "We need to whip these pansies into shape! Start a recruitment drive! With these appalling opinions, who will lead us to victory?"
[Effect]: apathetic citizens are forced through "conditioning" if they blank at the sight of a tank

[Option 4]: "Considering that all of this was caused by choosing a national anthem," says your Minister of Bland Solutions. "Let's just repeal it. Who needs a tune to bind our people anyway?"
[Effect]: durring international events, silence sounds for @@name@@'s anthem

[Option 5]: "Hey, that's boring. What you need is to show our people how we can show our love to women everhwhere," says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a totally whipped and devoted househusband. "I make sure that instead of "mansplaining", I just make sure to put things in her point of view. You should try that too."
[Effect]: men working in record in archives have to ask women how they should be portrayed in history

The Issue: Yesterday afternoon, a session of Parliament was concluded with the sudden change of several patriotic lines in the national anthem. These patriotic lines were labeled as "offensive." Following the ensuing outrage on Tweeter, several people have come and asked you to do something.
Written By: Dolor Mortis

Option 1: @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old MP, slams open your office door with a copy of the bill in her hands. "How dare these people claim to be offended! They're not even a part of the affected demographic!" she rages, and slams the bill on your desk. "The slighted party has not made themselves known, and as such, we should repeal the bill." She has a devious smile on her face. "If no-one is offended, then no-one will object to us preventing this from ever happening again."
[effect]: people who voice dissent with government policy must show up in person within 7 business days to make their case

Option 2: @@RANDOMNAME@@, who claims to be of the concerned demographic, is suddenly present. @@HE@@ wears a shirt reading "cissexism is real". "Hey! Those "patriotic" lines spout racist and sexist rhetoric! In order to feel proud to sing such a song, everyone must be equally represented. No-one should be forced to say anything that makes them feel uncomfortable."
[effect]: when banners reading "@@DEMONYM@@ Awareness Day" are shown, nobody speaks in fear of listening to the extended and equally representative national anthem playing on loudspeakers

Option 3: "Hey, I have a petition with over a thousand signatures," exclaims @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a 30-something holding a petition that reads, "Stop The Argument! Hold a Referendum". "I have here a piece of paper to blow all of your troubles away. Sign away at the bottom, and never wory about civil rights again!" She says looking a little too cheerful. "So, how about it, are you going to sign the petition or not!"
[effect]: all referendums exclude the minorities that hold them

Option 1: @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old stuffy PM, walks into your office with a copy of the bill in @@HIS@@ hands. "This is a disgrace, and it spits on all of our traditions," @@SHE@@ slams the bill on your desk. "The only reason that this even passed was because of those pansy, "rightous" libertarians. We need not pander to those who want to change something that was never broken." @@HE@@ turns and walks out.
[effect]: any mentions of gender inequality are shot down by belting the national anthem as loudly as possible

Option 2: Suddenly, said libertarian barges in, and is wearing a shirt that reads, "Hugs and Kindness". "I only want to make everyone in @@NATIONNAME@@ feel welcomed here," says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, who speaks flamboyantly. "Those outdated, gender biased lines have to go. Change the anthem, and everyone will feel at home." He sits on the nearby couch and pulls an abused cat out of nowhere.
[effect]: men in black suits show up to change pronouns on government property unannounced

Option 3: "Here's a solution, let them wrestle their way to victory!" says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a former wrestler from the 70's. "Any decision we make will still make people unhappy. Why don't we let the people decide for themselves, with a wrestling match! Who ever wins will get to decide, and we can even make money from these yearly events! @@HE@@ then pulls your aide into a full Nelson.
[effect]: major civil rights issues are decided by weekly sensational televised matches draft 1


Option 1: @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old stuffy PM, walks into your office with a copy of the bill in her hands. "This is a disgrace, and it spits on all of our traditions," she slams the bill on your desk. "The only reason that this even passed was because of those pansy, "rightous" libertarians. We need not pander to those who want to change something that was never broken."
[effect]: any mentions of gender inequality are shot down by belting the national anthem as loudly as possible

Option 2: Suddenly, the libertarian in question barges in, and is wearing a shirt that reads, "Hugs and Kindness". "I only want to make everyone in @@NAME@@ feel welcomed here. Those outdated, gender biased lines have to go," says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, speaking flamboyantly. "Change the anthem, and everyone will feel at home." He sits on the nearby couch and pulls an abused cat out of nowhere.
[effect]: men in black suits show up to change pronouns on government property unannounced

Option 3: "Here's a solution, let them wrestle their way to victory!" says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a former wrestler from the 70's. "Any decision we make will still make people unhappy. Why don't we let the people decide for themselves, with a wrestling match! Who ever wins will get to decide, and we can even make money from these yearly events!" He pulls your aid into a full Nelson.
[effect]: major civil rights issues are decided by weekly sensational televised matches

The Issue: Appearently, your Parliament had passed a bill changing the gender specific lines about a specific gender of @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ founding @@NAME@@ in your national anthem to gender neutral ones. Several people have come to petition this decision.
Written By: Dolor Mortis

Option 1: @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old stuffy PM, walks into your office with a copy of the bill in her hands. "This is a disgrace, and it spits on all of our traditions," she slams the bill on your desk. "The only reason that this even passed was because of those pansy, "rightous" libertarians. We need not pander to those who want to change something that was never broken."
[effect]: any mentions of gender inequality are shot down by belting the national anthem as loudly as possible

Option 2: Suddenly, the libertarian in question barges in, and is wearing a shirt that reads, "Hugs and Kindness". "I only want to make everyone in @@NAME@@ feel welcomed here. Those outdated, gender biased lines have to go," says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, speaking flamboyantly. "Change the anthem, and everyone will feel at home." He sits on the nearby couch and pulls an abused cat out of nowhere.
[effect]: men in black suits show up to change pronouns on government property unannounced

Option 3: "Hey, I have a petition with over a thousand signatures," exclaims @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a 30-something holding a petition that reads, "Stop The Argument! Hold a Referendum". "I have here a piece of paper to blow all of your troubles away. Sign away at the bottom, and never wory about civil rights again!" She says looking a little too cheerful. "So, how about it, are you going to sign the petition or not!"
[effect]: all referendums exclude the minorities that hold them

PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 2:41 pm
by Kenmoria
Just a few things I've noticed: @@GENDER@@ isn't a macro; effect lines are not capitalised nor do they have full stops; and this issue needs a validity of having a national anthem in the first place.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 4:41 pm
by Dolor Mortis
Kenmoria wrote:Just a few things I've noticed: @@GENDER@@ isn't a macro; effect lines are not capitalised nor do they have full stops; and this issue needs a validity of having a national anthem in the first place.

Thanks. I totally forgot about issue 633.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:10 pm
by Altmer Dominion
Interesting issue. Just a couple things I noticed after a quick skim:

Dolor Mortis wrote:Option 1: A @@MAN@@, @@RANDOMNAME@@ walks in your office, and holds a copy of the bill in @@HIS@@ hands. "This is a disgrace, and it spits on all of our traditions," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a stuffy old PM. "The only reason that this even passed, was because of those pansy, "rightous" libertarians. We must not pander to those who want to change something that was never broken." @@HE@@ turns and walks out.
[effect]: any mentions of gender inequality are shot down by belting the national anthem as loudly as possible


The colored text seems rather extraneous. The first sentence is unneeded exposition; the (current) second sentence grabs the reader's attention better. The two can be condensed if you combine the description of the person being a stuffy PM with them holding a copy of the bill.

Option 2: Suddenly, said libertarian barges in, and is wearing a shirt that reads, "Hugs and Kindness". "I only want to give everyone in @@NATIONNAME@@ to feel welcomed here. Those outdated, gender biased lines have to go," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who speaks in a flamboyant manner. "Change the anthem, and everyone will feel at home." @@HE@@ leaves with a flourish.
[effect]: men in black suits change pronouns on government property unannounced


The first and last sentences here seem to have a similar problem. I'm not necessarily opposed to a funny descriptive action at the beginning or end of an issue, but in this case it feels clunky. The problem might stem from a pattern of "x enters" and "x leaves" in these first two options. By no means should you feel wedded to that format, as it's mostly padding.

Option 3: "I have a compromise," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ wrings @@HIS@@ hands nervously. "Any decision we make will still make people unhappy. Why don't we let the people decide for themselves, with a wrestling match! Who ever wins will get to decide, and we sit and make money on the side!"
[effect]: major civil rights issues are decided by sensational televised matches


Why do we care about what this @@RANDOMNAME@@ has to say? Give them a relevant position, such as a promoter a la Vince McMahon, or a former boxer/wrestler.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:12 pm
by Dolor Mortis
Altmer Dominion wrote:Interesting issue. Just a couple things I noticed after a quick skim:

Dolor Mortis wrote:Option 1: A @@MAN@@, @@RANDOMNAME@@ walks in your office, and holds a copy of the bill in @@HIS@@ hands. "This is a disgrace, and it spits on all of our traditions," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a stuffy old PM. "The only reason that this even passed, was because of those pansy, "rightous" libertarians. We must not pander to those who want to change something that was never broken." @@HE@@ turns and walks out.
[effect]: any mentions of gender inequality are shot down by belting the national anthem as loudly as possible


The colored text seems rather extraneous. The first sentence is unneeded exposition; the (current) second sentence grabs the reader's attention better. The two can be condensed if you combine the description of the person being a stuffy PM with them holding a copy of the bill.

Option 2: Suddenly, said libertarian barges in, and is wearing a shirt that reads, "Hugs and Kindness". "I only want to give everyone in @@NATIONNAME@@ to feel welcomed here. Those outdated, gender biased lines have to go," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who speaks in a flamboyant manner. "Change the anthem, and everyone will feel at home." @@HE@@ leaves with a flourish.
[effect]: men in black suits change pronouns on government property unannounced


The first and last sentences here seem to have a similar problem. I'm not necessarily opposed to a funny descriptive action at the beginning or end of an issue, but in this case it feels clunky. The problem might stem from a pattern of "x enters" and "x leaves" in these first two options. By no means should you feel wedded to that format, as it's mostly padding.

Option 3: "I have a compromise," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ wrings @@HIS@@ hands nervously. "Any decision we make will still make people unhappy. Why don't we let the people decide for themselves, with a wrestling match! Who ever wins will get to decide, and we sit and make money on the side!"
[effect]: major civil rights issues are decided by sensational televised matches


Why do we care about what this @@RANDOMNAME@@ has to say? Give them a relevant position, such as a promoter a la Vince McMahon, or a former boxer/wrestler.

Thanks.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 10:16 pm
by Trotterdam
Which gender-specific lines? Gender-specific terminology in some contexts would be far more offensive than others.

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:06 am
by The dark Panther
It's @@NAME@@ not @@NATIONNAME@@

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:03 am
by Huan-Sheng
I like the concept. But here's my two cents on the technical issues:

Option 1: @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old stuffy PM, walks into your office with a copy of the bill in @@HER@@ hands.

I notice you used @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, not @@RANDOMNAME@@. If that was, in fact, your intention, then you no longer need the @@HE@@ and @@HIM@@ tags for that character, since their gender is already defined.

@@HE@@ turns and walks out.

I see that even though you did take Altmer's advice on the description (btw, when you edit a draft, try to keep the previous one in the post inside a spoiler; it makes it easier for others to take note of changes), you kept that part inside. It is not necessary; issues generally do not mention people leaving the scene, unless it's done for comedic purposes.

Suddenly, said libertarian barges in, and is wearing a shirt that reads, "Hugs and Kindness". "I only want to make everyone in @@NATIONNAME@@ feel welcomed here. Those outdated, gender biased lines have to go," says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, who speaks in a flamboyant manner.

This is not technically wrong, but it does read a bit awkward. Here's my suggestion on how this part might look a bit better:
Suddenly, the libertarian in question, @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, barges in your office, wearing a shirt with the words "Hugs and Kindness" on it.
"I only want to make everyone in @@NAME@@ feel welcomed here" he says flamboyantly. "Those outdated, gender biased lines have to go!"


[...]we can even make money from these yearly events! @@HE@@ pulls your aid into a full Nelson.

You are missing a quotation mark there, and it is spelled "aide". Also, adding a then will make it sound a bit better, like this:
[...] we can make even more money from these yearly event!" @@HE@ then proceeds to pull you aide into a full Nelson.


Otherwise, I don't see any other immediate problems.

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:47 am
by Dolor Mortis
Thanks

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 1:18 pm
by The dark Panther
Dolor Mortis wrote:Thanks

IT'S @@NAME@@ NOT @@NATIONNAME@@

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 3:11 pm
by Dolor Mortis
The Dark Panther wrote:
Dolor Mortis wrote:Thanks

IT'S @@NAME@@ NOT @@NATIONNAME@@

Thank you

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 5:58 pm
by Fauxia
I think the title is a bit too close in quality to one of mine. As in, it needs to be better

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:17 pm
by Dolor Mortis
Fauxia wrote:I think the title is a bit too close in quality to one of mine. As in, it needs to be better

Let me know if this next one is better

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:25 pm
by Fauxia
I like it, personally. Well, maybe "Please Stand for Inequality" instead of "remain standing"

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:29 pm
by Dolor Mortis
Does "Please Rise For Inequality" work?

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:47 pm
by Fauxia
Dolor Mortis wrote:Does "Please Rise For Inequality" work?
Sure

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 3:12 am
by Candlewhisper Archive
I'm not entirely convinced this is a necessary follow on to the above issue option, as its pretty much akin to saying "are you sure?" on the option selected. I may be biased though, having penned the original issue.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 3:24 am
by Dolor Mortis
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:I'm not entirely convinced this is a necessary follow on to the above issue option, as its pretty much akin to saying "are you sure?" on the option selected. I may be biased though, having penned the original issue.

While I appreciate the time you took to reply, and i answered the issue that this one follows, but since this is a national anthem issue. "Nationalistic national anthem" sounds like a founding anthem to me.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 5:52 am
by Fauxia
Oh yeah, not all nations have Senates

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 11:47 am
by Dolor Mortis
Fauxia wrote:Oh yeah, not all nations have Senates

How to combat this?

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:31 pm
by Australian rePublic
Hello. Not a bad little issue you got here. Now, let's take a look:
Option 3 would be better in an option about democracy in general, rather than anything specific

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:50 pm
by Fauxia
Dolor Mortis wrote:
Fauxia wrote:Oh yeah, not all nations have Senates

How to combat this?
Just make it “Parliament.”

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:51 pm
by Dolor Mortis
Australian rePublic wrote:Hello. Not a bad little issue you got here. Now, let's take a look:
Option 3 would be better in an option about democracy in general, rather than anything specific

So instead of wrestler, a petitioner instead?

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2018 3:42 am
by Triangle And Square
Issue #010 already addressed this.

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:30 am
by Dolor Mortis
Triangle and Square wrote:Issue #010 already addressed this.

No, that was social inequality. This is an issue that responds to the first option from issue 633