[Submitted] Patriotic or Patriarchal?

[He Qixin]

...ok

[Dolor Mortis]

Bump. "I've been waiting, for a girl like you, to run into my life..."

[Dolor Mortis]

Bump

[Fauxia]

Get rid of the poll. Issue writing is not a democracy

[Dolor Mortis]

Get rid of the poll. Issue writing is not a democracy

True. Wanted to see where I stood.

[USS Monitor]

I don't really like the title.

[Dolor Mortis]

I don't really like the title.

What do you suggest?

[Dolor Mortis]

Bump

[Dolor Mortis]

Bump

[He Qixin]

I don't really like the title.

What do you suggest?

Maybe something like "Equal Inequality Or Inequal Equality?" or "@@NAME@@ And Its Inequality Levels". There are still more though.

[Dolor Mortis]

What do you suggest?

Maybe something like "Equal Inequality Or Inequal Equality?" or "@@NAME@@ And Its Inequality Levels". There are still more though.

How does that correspond to a national anthem. This is correlated to "please rise for the national anthem..."

[He Qixin]

Maybe something like "Equal Inequality Or Inequal Equality?" or "@@NAME@@ And Its Inequality Levels". There are still more though.

How does that correspond to a national anthem. This is correlated to "please rise for the national anthem..."

Oh. Maybe you can put something like "National Anthem or National Phantom?" or "Time To Sing The Natequality Anthem".

[Dolor Mortis]

Bump

[He Qixin]

Bump

Have you considered any of my title ideas yet? It's okay if you already thought of another issue title that is different from my issue title ideas.

[Jutsa]

Hmm...

"The Sounds of Prejudice"

"Trumpet the Sexism"

"Anthem of Inequality"

"The Musical Battle of the Sexes"

"Patriotic or Patriarchal?"

"Music of Man"

Just some thoughts.

[Dolor Mortis]

Hmm...

"The Sounds of Prejudice"

"Trumpet the Sexism"

"Anthem of Inequality"

"The Musical Battle of the Sexes"

"Patriotic or Patriarchal?"

"Music of Man"

Just some thoughts.

"Patriotic or Patriarchal?" Sounds good.

[He Qixin]

[Dolor Mortis]

:(

[Dolor Mortis]

Bump

[Dolor Mortis]

Bump

[Fauxia]

I don’t know... the description seems a bit choppy. There isn’t really flow to it, imo

[Jutsa]

Yeah, I was working on a review for this draft when I got called to do something else. I'll be out with it soonish.

edit: and by soonish I mean like anywhere from a few minutes to like 24 hours because I'm wiped out.

[Jutsa]

I think this could be an interesting issue... but, I have to admit that I think it could use a lot of work, if you're willing to go through this with me.

Now, I should note: Nothing I say is absolutely, 100% necessary. They are all suggestions on how I think this could be improved,
but you, as the writer, should pick what and what not to do. So... lets get to work, shall we?

Ttitle: "Patriotic or Patriarchal?"

Title*

Jk I'm being super pedantic here.

Real review's below, though.

The Issue:

Patriotic or Patriarchal?

I like this, but I didn't realize that this was a followup for specifically the first option of 633, so it might not hurt to have something else... if you can think of something else.

Yesterday afternoon, a session of Parliament was concluded with the sudden change of several patriotic lines in the national anthem.

1) Idk if you should specify the time of this issue, or that it was a "sudden change" since you just installed your national anthem.
2) Not all nations have a parliament!

Following the ensuing outrage on Tweeter, several people have come and asked you to do something.

This sentence can be taken out. Idk if it's necessary, but the editors don't particularly care for this kind of sentence,
even though I have trouble not putting it in my drafts.

Option 1:

@@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old MP,

1) Any reason why she's female?
2) Not all nations have MP(I'm assuming you mean members of parliament) as not all nations have a parliament.

she rages, and slams the bill on your desk.

She rages?
I kinda think this might be better cut out... that being said, it is kinda funny.

"The slighted party has not made themselves known, and as such, we should repeal the bill."

Here and everything after this... this seems very... odd.
Firstly, bill? If you just made the anthem, wouldn't it be better to say "change the lyrics"?
Also, I kinda thought this option would be more of a "lets definitely not try to accommodate everyone" option given how angry "she" is about people complaining about it.
And, really, how does this, at all, make it different from option 2?
... For that matter, why is the "slighted party" not made themselves known? That doesn't even make sense given your current description.

Overall, I think this needs a bit of work. Maybe this option could be to hunt down dissenters or change the lyrics to be even more offensive,
though that might make a better option 2, if you'd feel like changing 1 and 2 around. (FTR, narratively, I don't think this will be a problem at all.)

people who voice dissent with government policy must show up in person within 7 business days to make their case

I really don't understand what this has to do with the option. That said, I might be missing something.

Option 2:

@@HE@@ wears a shirt reading "cissexism is real".

This really doesn't have to do with the option you choose before this - unless your blood-stained enemy was trans people.

"Hey! Those "patriotic" lines spout racist and sexist rhetoric!

"patriotic" to 'patriotic
also, sexist? Again, I think you're missing what's on that option.

You may also want to mention how offensive it might be to your rival nations.

when banners reading "@@DEMONYM@@ Awareness Day" are shown, nobody speaks in fear of listening to the extended and equally representative national anthem playing on loudspeakers

pretty funny, but:
a) that day probably doesn't exist,
b) I doubt people actually would hate it that much,
c) no commas in an effect line, and
d) the effect line's too long.

Option 3:

"Hey, I have a petition with over a thousand signatures,"

ok, uhm... what does this option have to do with the issue at hand?

There are other options, like... oh,
one could be to make the lyrics more insulting (whereas option 1'd arrest those who really hate it or something),
or... you could also completely remove the national anthem because you'd "always insult someone otherwise" or something.
Actually, I quite fancy that idea - it'd be a good "crazy compromise" option.

As-is, though, I really feel like this option just doesn't fit this issue draft.

Ok, so... mmmh, to summarize:
1) Lots of consistency errors and assumptions that need to be addressed
2) The premise probably should be changed a little (unless you want to keep it as is, but then I suggest making it so choosing any lyrical option from 633 would give you this),
3) Change the effect lines, and
4) Change what options 1 and 3 actually do.

Now, again, you may take/leave whatever you want from here, but without a fair bit of work, I don't really see this being in the game.
(That's not to say it wouldn't work, but I honestly think your chances aren't too high ATM)

Still, it's a very interesting issue premise - and that's really the thing that makes this an issue worth writing for. (see what I did there?) sorry...
Good luck, Dolor Mortis. Sorry for my not-so-optimistic review.
(And, uh, sorry if I misunderstood anything. If you have legitimate reasons for certain things, please do tell me and correct any assumptions I have made.)

[Dolor Mortis]

I think this could be an interesting issue... but, I have to admit that I think it could use a lot of work, if you're willing to go through this with me.

Now, I should note: Nothing I say is absolutely, 100% necessary. They are all suggestions on how I think this could be improved,
but you, as the writer, should pick what and what not to do. So... lets get to work, shall we?

Ttitle: "Patriotic or Patriarchal?"

Title*

Jk I'm being super pedantic here.

Real review's below, though.

The Issue:
I like this, but I didn't realize that this was a followup for specifically the first option of 633, so it might not hurt to have something else... if you can think of something else.

I figured that a nationalistic national anthem would be one that even the slightest gender bias would be harped on.

1) Idk if you should specify the time of this issue, or that it was a "sudden change" since you just installed your national anthem.
2) Not all nations have a parliament!

Parlaiment is established in a few other issues,
but I probably should put a validity for having an electoral college policy.

Following the ensuing outrage on Tweeter, several people have come and asked you to do something.

This sentence can be taken out. Idk if it's necessary, but the editors don't particularly care for this kind of sentence,
even though I have trouble not putting it in my drafts.

Option 1:

@@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, an old MP,

1) Any reason why she's female?

[Kacallia]

How to combat this?

Just make it “Parliament.”

Do all nations have parliaments? Perhaps it should be legislature.




Also, why would a libertarian particularly want to change the National Anthem?