[ACCPTD] Oh @@NAME@@, What Obscene Children's Books You Have

[Luna Amore]

Maybe Oh, @@NAME@@, What Obscene Children's Books You Have! for the issue title?

[Jutsa]

See, now you've put me in a bit of a pickle,
because on one hand, I want it to be "[Book title] Censorship Row", but on the other hand,
that is a way better title... gaaaah

Meh. I'll change it for now, since I think the Ro Jenifer, description, and option 1 should be enough.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

I admit, I'd kind of given up on this being usable, but your last iteration shows a lot of promise. Let's do the breakdown.

Title: Oh, @@NAME@@, What Obscene Children's Books You Have!
The Issue: An old book, "Little Violet Voyaging Veil", has been shaking up conservative teachers across @@NAME@@.
Validity: Nation has schools; Nation has books

That's a nice concise opening, not to the taste of many editors, but of a style liked by some. Final tweak, I would say replace "has been shaking up" with "has been upsetting" or "is causing a stir amongst".

However, my main challenge to the premise is this: if it is an old book, why is it becoming an issue now? You need some sort of narrative that justifies the issue appearing on Leader's desk contemporaneously.

If it's an old book, why is it causing a new upset? There's plenty of stories you could construct to explain this, but you need something. Maybe a medieval manuscript telling the fairy tale as it was originally told has been unearthed?

Option 1: "I didn't much care for the book from the beginning," mutters kindergarten teacher Catherine Gratwick, "but when I got so little as half way into it with my students, my opinion plummeted! This story tells of an innocent child going to her grandmother's house only for them both to wind up being eaten by a giant @@ANIMAL@@! Stories like this are all horrible, and anything that involves any form of harm or even sadness must be banned from schools for our children's safety!"

Using the name Catherine Gratwick isn't a complete joke in itself. Just use randomname here, unless you can make some thematic link to previous references to that name.

The usage of "but" here is wrong. You can't say "I thought I didn't like this, but I really didn't like this", as "but" implies a change in direction of opinion. There's subtle ways you can use it in the same direction (like "I thought I just disliked this, but it turned out I hated it,") but that's not what you've done here!

The argument against the book also needs to be more graphic, while remaining within the confines of the game's rules. As we're talking original non-bowlderised versions, you can go pretty wild with stuff that is weird and fantastical and simultaneously not-suitable-for-children, given that fairy tales weren't originally for children.

Also, incidentally, you should probably reference Thomas Bowlder as the speaker in option 2. Maybe Tam S. Bolder, or something like that.

[effect] The Rather Peckish Inchworm was banned from schools for being too violent

Just say The Hungry Caterpillar, yeah? We NSify real names in options because it's whimsical and amusing to do so, rather than because of copyright concerns, but in effect lines you need clarity of meaning for humour to work out of context, and seeing this effect line on a nation page will make folk wonder who this inchworm is, as there's no context of childrens books here. OTOH, if you just make it The Hungry Caterpillar then we all know who you're talking about.

Option 2: "Oh, please! It's just a fairy-tale," dismisses Marcus Syntax, the author of hotly debated What A Mild Thing Is.

If this is a purveyor of Bowlderised version his books shouldn't be hotly debated, they should be 'bestselling but frankly tepid'.

"Okay, so some of these stories have a little bit of dark humor, but in my experience, it's the adults that take everything so seriously. Besides, it's not like they're anything nearly as graphic as some of those old stories that many modern fairy-tales come from.

Ahah, see, that was what I was referring to. As I said, maybe make the issue about reactions to one of those old stories being unearthed and re-published, and then of course drop this line from this speaker, have him be the advocate for the toned down versions.

Just remove some of the gory details, like in my version, Miniature Yellow Traveling Goods Salesman, and you'll be good to go!"
[effect] The Kiwis of Fury can be read in schools if every character is an icecream cone

Not getting the reference here. Regardless, same principle applies. Just reference the real work, or for contrast to the first effect line, maybe just talk about an inappropriate genre that has been kiddified. Maybe "explicit slash fiction is repackaged for kindergarten kids as stories about friends cuddling friends"

Option 3: "That is censorship!" Ro Jennifer complains, polishing a book by Max Barry. "Besides, you shouldn't shelter these children from any of these books - period. Heck, they're around to make sure kids don't end up in a similar situation! If you put so much as a dusting of sugar on them, they'll be pointless. We should instead be encouraging kids to take a look at the original, much darker stories so they can begin to see the world as it truly is."
[effect] The Violet Mile is a popular children's book

I wouldn't namedrop Max Barry here. It works in the issue about his book, as its a sly wink at the fourth wall, but otherwise references to the author should be avoided.
Not sold on the effect line either, as there's an issue called The Violet Mile.

Again, don't just ape the style of the first effect line, find a different shape of joke.

Validity: Nation is not very secular; Nation does not already enforce compulsory religious readings in schools
Option 4: "This. Is. DISGUSTING! SICKENING! REVOLTING!" sputters the Minister of the Church of Weird Gates, as he marches, tromps, and slithers into your office. "You should be preaching to children stories like that of the Great Lumbering! They yield descriptive examples of what happens when children do not comply, including various forms of... correctional therapy. We must teach our children to be afraid, so they'll follow the right path. To accomplish this, we must make holy texts the only reading material in every school!"
[effect] every school's library is filled with books detailing the suffering of millions

This option could be cut, to be honest. Also, we've done the ministry of silly walks thing elsewhere, I'm sure. 177.3 tangentially, and 626.3 explicitly. And it was the original author's work, not my edit. Part of the reason why I picked up the issue in the first place.

[Trotterdam]

Maybe a medieval manuscript telling the fairy tale as it was originally told has been unearthed?

Medieval versions are hardly the earliest of many fairy tales. There are modern multiple fairy tales for which versions have been found all the way back to ancient Egypt Maxtopia.

OTOH, if you just make it The Hungry Caterpillar then we all know who you're talking about.

I don't, actually.

I just assumed based on the context that predation was involved.

[Roland Prime]

Hi Justa,

I think the issue looks really good so far, and with a couple of tweaks, this could be a great issue! I no grammar, due to all of us being in different places isn't consistent, but I noticed a couple of glaring errors, and I couldn't help wincing at them. I've fixed them up for you below. You may choose not to accept these, but some of these grammar rules are pretty standard practice to use. Overall, this is one of the better issues I've seen in my time on NationStates. On some of my old nations, I used to do issues, and I found them extremely boring. Not only do I think this one is very interesting, I think it's a good way to take a strong stance on censorship with your nation, and would be good for shaping your nation's future. The red is what needs to be taken out, and I've put my suggested replacement in right next to the red text. I really hope it helps! Detailed explanations for each suggestion are below the suggestion.

Oh, @@NAME@@, Whatwhat Obscene Children'sChildrens' Books Youyou Have!

So on this, it's pretty standard practice not to capitalize prepositions in the middle of a title. This is really a style choice, and is your decision always, but I included it for help. Children's makes no sense, because children is the plural of child, and plural possessives include the apostrophe at the end. Again, if you don't take these suggestions, I won't be offended.

Option 1: "I didn't much care for the book from the beginning," mutters kindergarten teacher Catherine Gratwick, "but when I got so little as half way into it with my students, my opinion plummeted! This story tells of an innocent child going to her grandmother's house only for them both to wind up being eaten by a giant @@ANIMAL@@! Stories like this are all horrible, and anything that involves any form of harm or even sadness must be banned from schools for our children's safety!"
[effect] The Rather Peckish Inchworm was banned from schools for being too violent.

Only put a period on the effect, although some issues have this and some do not. Just something that's purely another stylistic choice. The option number one is my favorite, it's by far the most hilarious...

Option 2: "Oh, please! It's just a fairy-tale," dismisses Marcus Syntax, the author of hotly debated "What Aa Mild Thing Is". "Okay, so some of these stories have a little bit of dark humor, but in my experience, it's the adults that take everything so seriously. Besides, it's not like they're anything nearly as graphic as some of those old stories that many modern fairy-tales come from. Just remove some of the gory details, like in my version, "Miniature Yellow Traveling Goods Salesman", and you'll be good to go!"
[effect] The Kiwis of Fury can be read in schools if every character is an icecream cone.

Again, I added a period at the end of the effect. I also added some quotation marks to the book titles, which is pretty standard. I also de-capitalized the "a" in the first book title.

Option 3: "That is censorship!" Ro Jennifer complains, polishing a book by Max Barry. "Besides, you shouldn't shelter these children from any of these books - period. Heck, they're around to make sure kids don't end up in a similar situation! If you put so much as a dusting of sugar on them, they'll be pointless. We should instead be encouraging kids to take a look at the original, much darker stories so they can begin to see the world as it truly is."
[effect] "The Violet Mile" is a popular children's book

Just added quotes on the book title again. This is also another good option, at least in the way I've run my nations, back when I was an issue-player. As I do this post, I'm starting to love this issue more and more...

Validity: Nation is not very secular; Nation does not already enforce compulsory religious readings in schools
Option 4: "This. Is. DISGUSTING! SICKENING! REVOLTING!" sputters the Minister of the Church of Weird Gates, as he marches, tromps, and slithers into your office. "You should be preaching to children stories like that of the Great Lumbering! They yield descriptive examples of what happens when children do not comply, including various forms of... correctional therapy. We must teach our children to be afraid, so they'll follow the right path. To accomplish this, we must make holy texts the only reading material in every school!"
[effect] eEvery school's library is filled with books detailing the suffering of millions.

I just fixed up a capitalization error at the end. As I've said, I think this issue will be accepted. It's written very well, and takes on some similar issues, which is a good thing. It gives other nations an option to go back on what they did if they think it's a mistake. Overall, it's very well written. I very much look forward to your responses to my suggestions, and what you think about them. I'm glad to see people like you writing issues and improving NationStates. Feel free to contact me anytime! Good job writing this issue!

[Roland Prime]

Hey Justa, again,

Sorry if it's hard to see, that's my bad, but where I added quotes they're supposed to be green... Sorry if they don't show up that way. My bad...

[Shwe Tu Colony]

Hey Justa, again,

Sorry if it's hard to see, that's my bad, but where I added quotes they're supposed to be green... Sorry if they don't show up that way. My bad...

Oh, I actually have a color that's designed to be seen in light & dark themes.

Code: Select all

[color=#FF6A00][/color]

It looks like this.

[Jutsa]

alright...
lets tackle this.

And to be clear, I'm not going to make the edits right away - though I do intend to do so. This is just my going over your commets
(for which I thank you dearly), and I want to implement close to everything - which will probably take a bit of time unless I get a buzz. .-.

So, without further ado, my review of my reviews. >_<

@CWA:

I admit, I'd kind of given up on this being usable, but your last iteration shows a lot of promise.

Eheh... thanks. I'm noticing that this is definitely an issue that needs a lot of ironing out, and I myself haven't had a huge amount of faith in this one.

That's a nice concise opening, not to the taste of many editors, but of a style liked by some.

Just stole it from 003 and 046, so...

Final tweak, I would say replace "has been shaking up" with "has been upsetting" or "is causing a stir amongst".

I kinda wanted "shake" as an opposite to "stir", but out of these two, I'd definitely just pick stir.

However, my main challenge to the premise is this: if it is an old book, why is it becoming an issue now?

Yeah, this was something I totally overlooked, along with "issues must have one focus topic", which I think I at least began to rectify with my new version.
The concepts seem simple enough in my head, but in execution... my word, I'm in desperate need of practice.

Maybe a medieval manuscript telling the fairy tale as it was originally told has been unearthed?

This I do enjoy. I'll keep it at mind.

Using the name Catherine Gratwick isn't a complete joke in itself. Just use randomname here

Alrighty~

The usage of "but" here is wrong

I like your suggestion - as that's kinda what I was going for with this.

The argument against the book also needs to be more graphic, while remaining within the confines of the game's rules.

Hmmm... yeah, I'll try to think of something. >_>

Also, incidentally, you should probably reference Thomas Bowlder as the speaker in option 2. Maybe Tam S. Bolder, or something like that.

... Sadly, I've never heard of that person. I'll give it a lookover, I guess.

OTOH, if you just make it The Hungry Caterpillar then we all know who you're talking about.

Alrighty, although I admit that I did have fun making the NS alternative names. :3

If this is a purveyor of Bowlderised version his books shouldn't be hotly debated, they should be 'bestselling but frankly tepid'.

Er - took me a bit of time to parse what you meant here, but I'll change that regardless.

As I said, maybe make the issue about reactions to one of those old stories being unearthed and re-published, and then of course drop this line from this speaker, have him be the advocate for the toned down versions.

Alrighty :3

Not getting the reference here.[...] Maybe "explicit slash fiction is repackaged for kindergarten kids as stories about friends cuddling friends"

Alrighty, that'll work. Incidentally, Kiwis of Fury's a reference to Grapes of Wrath.

I wouldn't namedrop Max Barry here. It works in the issue about his book, as its a sly wink at the fourth wall, but otherwise references to the author should be avoided.

As you wish!

Again, don't just ape the style of the first effect line, find a different shape of joke.

Hmmm... alright.

This option could be cut, to be honest.

Rip that option. Also, I specifically added that stuff to reference that said option, but I guess that should be tossed, regardless.

@Roland Prime:

So on this, it's pretty standard practice not to capitalize prepositions in the middle of a title.

I fully agree - however, Nationstates capitalized every word in a title.

Children's makes no sense, because children is the plural of child, and plural possessives include the apostrophe at the end.

English is ridiculous, sometimes. To make sure, I looked up Google, but it seems to favor it as is, as:

If the word is plural and the plural ends in s, simply add an apostrophe. If the word is plural and the plural does not end in s, add 's.

Only put a period on the effect, although some issues have this and some do not

On the contrary - at least, to my knowledge. To see my explanation,

Effect lines will end in periods if you answer them, as they're displayed, but they also appear in your nation's home page, in the paragraph with your national animal, by fours. This is why capitalization and periods due to sentence structure is prohibited, and why there are no effect lines with commas(except for the issue about commas).

Just added quotes on the book title again

Thanks

I'm starting to love this issue more and more...

And many thanks for this. A gleam of confidence is just what's needed when you're working on issues that need numerous major rewrites like this one.

I just fixed up a capitalization error at the end

teehee... whoops!

Good job writing this issue!

And thank you again.

So, my conclusion is this: This issue is a pain in the butt and a stink, but with enough makeup artists, it could be something at least reasonable for public view.
Can't say I'm super pumped about this issue, but I'll still work on it. Plus, the fact that it's my bed time is probably clouding my judgement. '

Oh... also, please let me know if I accidentally skipped over something important... <:D

[Jutsa]

All done!
... That was way faster than I thought I'd be.

So, I wanted to point out that the "unveiling of the original versions of this story" are nothing new,
but... then again, neither is Harry Potter.

[Roland Prime]

When is this going to be submitted?

[Jutsa]

Oh, probably not for another week or two at minimum, and possibly not until 2018.
Depends on how much work has been needed, how many people think it's ready to go in or stay on, and how much interest the topic seems to have.

I'm suspecting this one to be up for a month or more, myself.

[Drasnia]

I'd be very disappointed if you couldn't fit in a reference to Thomas the Spank Engine somewhere in the issue

[Jutsa]

Gave it its own option. I wouldn't have, except... well, I figured, if nations show this in schools,
then telling them some mildly darker tales is probably not too unrealistic and would... well, you can read the option to see the added "benefit".

Edit: Made the issue "Adult", as well - not solely for the final option, though I was wondering if I could adultify only that for added protectiveness,
but even the first option and the issue at hand might be a bit controversial for young'uns.

Edit2: Switched options 3/4 so that the less common one shows a gap. Also added an effect line to option 3.

[Minoa]

I'd be very disappointed if you couldn't fit in a reference to Thomas the Spank Engine somewhere in the issue

Why you little … !

I noticed a potential typo for the result of Option 1, do you mean The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

[Jutsa]

Yep!

Also changed "gor" to "are" - no idea where that came from, but my only guess is I was thinking of one thing while typing something else or I accidentally mis-copy/pasted something.

[Jutsa]

Probably second to final weekly bump unless something major's changed.

[The Atlae Isles]

The Very Hungry Caterpillar was banned from schools for being too violent?

I'd prefer:

the Very Hungry Caterpillar was banned from schools for advocating gluttony

Love the issue, maybe you could have the teacher note that the children asked the teacher about this-and-that?

[Jutsa]

Made the gluttony adjustment, but I'm not sure how to fit in the "this-and-that" thing.
If you can find a way to put it in, feel free to write it, though.

[Jutsa]

Kinda early bump but that's mostly to spread out my drafts in the circulation.
(I like being able to bump something once every day or two)

Final weekly bump.

[Fauxia]

Option 2- you wrote "noone" not "none"

[Jutsa]

I meant noone.

[USS Monitor]

You sure you didn't mean no one?

I'd take "significant" out of the intro. It takes up space without changing the overall meaning.

[Jutsa]

Ah, yes, no one is in fact the correct spelling. Fixing that.

Also, I like significant, but I'll remove it.

[Jutsa]

Also added "to one another" after "hardly anything alike" in option 2 for clarification. I know it takes room, but I think it's a worthwhile addition.
Course, my current physical circumstance might be impeding my proper logic, atm...

[Jutsa]

Submitted! Also found an incomplete sentence in option 2... er, hopefully fixed that. I'm sure the editors can work around with it if they accept the issue.