[DRAFT] Night of the Were-@@ANIMAL@@

[Imperio de Jandira]

Title → Night of the Were-@@ANIMAL@@

The Issue → At this night, an weird creature was shot only a few meters from center of @@CAPITAL@@ by the police. However as they approach, the cops saw something even stranger: the "creature" it was just a pale naked man. Now, close to several police lines and a silver sheet covering the corpse,

Validity → All nations

[option]"We saved your life, @@LEADER@@" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a policeman who, at the same time, speaks with you and prevents you from crossing the police line. "But... my colleagues said that this man are not a man, but an creature! An Were-@@ANIMAL@@! I told them they are crazy, but I can not prove they are wrong, because we don't have security cameras on the streets. I suggest you to install security cameras in all streets of @@CAPITAL@@, so we can prevent new Were-@@ANIMAL@@ attacks... and normal crimes too"
[effect]Security cameras were installed on @@CAPITAL@@' to detect the presence of criminals, Were-@@ANIMAL@@s and street rioters
VALIDITY FOR THIS OPTION: options 1/2 of #595 and/or option 1 of #021 have not been chosen

[option]"What? Were-@@ANIMAL@@s? HAHAHAHAHA!" laughs @@RANDOMNAME@@, psychiatrist and writer of the book "The crazy legends of the @@DENONYM@@". "What's the next? Vampires at Violetville? Big-foots on @@CAPITAL@@'s National Park? What happened here was that these guards are mentally exhausted, and they ended up seeing a simple mirage, shooting against a crazy naked man. But this can be a warning that the @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ policemen needs consult with psychiatrists at least once every six months. With a little bit of funds, we can create an public network of psychiartic clinics, and provides free treatment from every people. You'll see how the "aparitions" of were-@@ANIMAL@@s, OVNI's and honest politicians will be reduced to zero".
[effect]Psychiatrists from @@NAME@@ are the highest paid professionals of @@REGION@@

[option]"Were-@@ANIMAL@@s are real!!" screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, after overtaking the police line with an easel written "I believe in monsters" and an strange gadget in @@HIS@@ hands. "Many called me crazy, but i'm not crazy! This is the proof of the existence of the werecreatures! I said! I SAID! HAHAHAHA... well, I can hunt then down, and I can provide these monster hunting gadget for the entire population. I just need some funding for produce these gadgets, and everyone will know that I'm not crazy! I'M NOT CRAZY! HAHAHAHAHA!"
[effect]Childrens of @@NATION@@ are presented with monster-hunting gadgets at Christmas

[option]"Were-@@ANIMAL@@s don't exist... but we can change this" whispers Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of Research Lab Of Enriched Mutagenology, retracting an DNA sample from the corpse and putting it in a suitcase. "We can use genetic engineering to create an real were-@@ANIMAL@@, merging human and @@ANIMAL@@ DNA. With your authorization and government funding, I will make this research and, less than a year, you will see real were-@@ANIMAL@@s on the streets. Like real legends"
[effect]@@NAME@@ is #1 at the "Were-@@ANIMAL@@ Aparitions Index" of the @@REGION@@

Title → Night of the Werewolves

The Issue → At this night, an weird creature was shoted only a few meters from your office by the police. However as they approach, the cops saw something even stranger: the "creature" it was just a pale naked man. Now, close to several police lines and a silver sheet covering the corpse, you need to decide: what to do now?

Validity → All nations

[option]"We saved your life, @@LEADER@@" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a policeman who, at the same time, speaks with you and prevents you from crossing the police line. "But... my colleagues said that this man are not a man, but an creature! An Were-@@ANIMAL@@! I told them they are crazy, but we found some strange animal footprints... and we noticed that there are no monitoring cameras in this area! I suggest that you install security cameras, so we can know when a new Werewolves attacks you... or some of those unbearable members of the press"
[effect]Security cameras were installed on @@LEADER@@'s Office to detect the presence of possible Werewolves and street rioters

[option]"What? Werewolves? HAHAHAHAHA!" laugh @@RANDOMNAME@@, psychiatrist and writer of the book "The crazy follies of the @@DENONYM@@", and seeing that the footprints are only human footprints. "What happened here was that these guards are mentally exhausted, and they ended up seeing a simple mirage, shooting against a crazy naked man. But this can be a warning that the @@DENONYM@@ needs consult with psychiatrists at least once every six months. With a little bit of funds, we can create an public network of psychiartic clinics, and provides free treatment from every people. You'll see how the "aparitions" of werewolves, OVNI's and honest politicians will be reduced to zero".
[effect]Psychiatrists from @@NAME@@ are the highest paid professionals of @@REGION@@

[option]"Werewolves are real!!" screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, after overtaking the police line with an easel written "I believe in monsters" and an strange gadget in @@HIS@@ hands. "Many called me crazy, but i'm not crazy! This is the proof of the existence of the werecreatures! I said! I SAID! HAHAHAHA... well, I can hunt then down, and I can provide these monster hunting gadget for the entire population. I just need some funding for produce these gadgets, and everyone will know that I'm not crazy! I'M NOT CRAZY! HAHAHAHAHA!"
[effect]Childrens of @@NATION@@ are presented with monster-hunting gadgets at Christmas

[option]When you coming back to your office, you see a pale mysterious woman dressed in heavy clothes, who introduced himself as @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, CEO from "Pack Corporation", and she was bothered with a small silver tray. "Well, @@LEADER@@, that dead man in your yard... it was one of my best and loyal employees. And I lost him. And you know who is to blame? Yes, @@LEADER@@, it's your police force's fault. I LOST HIM!! Well, now I ask you to pay a repair for my pack... my business, I said. Or do you prefer that I go tell the press that your government is a innocent's killer?" She concludes, biting you lightly and leave you along... being sure to have heard a growl.
[effect]Companies receive repairs from government after their employees destroy government property

Title → Night of the Werewolves

The Issue → At this night, an weird creature was shoted only a few meters from your office by the police. However as they approach, the cops saw something even stranger: the "creature" it was just a pale naked man. Now, close to several police lines and a silver sheet covering the corpse, you need to decide: what to do now?

Validity → All nations

[option]"We saved your life, @@LEADER@@" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a policeman who, at the same time, speaks with you and prevents you from crossing the police line. "But... my colleagues said that this man are not a man, but an creature! An Were-@@ANIMAL@@! I told them they are crazy, but we found some strange pawprints... and we noticed that there are no monitoring cameras in this area! I suggest that you install security cameras, so we can know when a new Werewolves attacks you... or some of those unbearable members of the press"
[effect]Security cameras were installed on @@LEADER@@'s Office to detect the presence of possible Werewolves

[option]"Werewolves are real!!" screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, after overtaking the police line with an easel written "I believe in monsters" and an strange gadget in @@HIS@@ hands. "Many called me crazy, but i'm not crazy! This is the proof of the existence of the werecreatures! I said! I SAID! HAHAHAHA... well, I can hunt then down, and I can provide these monster hunting gadget for the entire population. I just need some funding for produce these gadgets, and everyone will know that I'm not crazy! I'M NOT CRAZY! HAHAHAHAHA!"
[effect]Childrens of @@NATION@@ are presented with monster-hunting gadgets at Christmas

[option]When you coming back to your office, you see a pale mysterious woman dressed in heavy clothes, who introduced himself as @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, CEO from "Pack Corporation", and she was bothered with a small silver tray. "Well, @@LEADER@@, that dead man in your yard... it was one of my best and loyal employees. And I lost him. And you know who is to blame? Yes, @@LEADER@@, it's your police force's fault. I LOST HIM!! Well, now I ask you to pay a repair for my pack... my business, I said. Or do you prefer that I go tell the press that your government is a innocent's killer?" She concludes, biting you lightly and leave you along... being sure to have heard a growl.
[effect]Companies receive repairs from government after their employees destroy government property

[Imperio de Jandira]

Any feedback?

[Australian rePublic]

Why can't you just call them warewolves?

[Jutsa]

They're supposed to be werewolves... uh, unless you're hinting at a pun.

I do intend to take a looksie at this one soon.

[Jutsa]

Ah, this is a very tricky one. I've been so on-the-fence with this one, for many reasons.

It has pretty horrifying grammar. I don't mean offense by this, either; improper grammar is a common factor in issues' first drafts.
It also doesn't flow particularly nicely, and seems to try to bunch a couple of ideas in strange sentences without an elegant segue.

Both of those, however, are fine to work with; in fact, I was very well going to do that, but then I noticed something else.
The issue options, and the issue itself.

The issue itself is relatively understandable; a werewolf was shot by policemen. I'm afraid, however, that it may have problems with issue #595,
an option which either lets police have their own cameras, have cameras all over the place(which are not controlled by the police),
or not have cameras at all, and the reason as on account of someone being shot by a policeman. That being said, I think it's probably
different enough so long as you add a validity that states that you haven't chosen options 1 or 2 in issue #595, or picked a pro-cameras option
in issue #21 (yes, that's another issue that instates police cameras all over the place).

Another problem is tied between the options and the issue. The issue's supposed to be about a man who was shot by policemen who thought he was a werewolf.
Now, the way it's framed, you have some inconsistency in what the issue is about.

Options 2 and 3 are fine the way they are, with 3, I believe, being the best crazy option. Option 4, in my opinion, is completely unnecessary,
and option 1 is a little bit concerning(see above), but I think it's doable. But this brings up another problem:
A naked man outside of your office was still shot, and option 1 seems to be more about buffing security than recording for werewolves.

Now, simply put, I think there's possibly an issue that can be had here, but it's too haphazard to be viable the way it is now, so to summarize:

1) The shooting needs to take place elsewhere, which means changing the description and option 1,
2) You need to add a validity that states that options 1/2 of #595 and option 1 of #021 have not been chosen,
3) I highly recommend removing option 4, and
4) You need a fair bit of grammatical editing, which I can specialize in after the changes.

Now, you don't have to do that if you don't want to; it's your issue, after all. But I do really believe that in order for
this issue to be a consistent and viable one that's likely to make it into this game, you'll probably want to take me up on my advice.
Again, though, up to you.

I'll give you points, however, for adding "were-@@ANIMAL@@". That was a good call, and I recommend changing the title to have Were-@@ANIMAL@@ in it.
and I sincerely hope to see more work from you. Also, I really do apologize for the downsome news,
but hey, at least this issue seems to be workable, as opposed to most of the issue drafts I've uploaded.

I wish you well.

[Ransium]

I think this issue is just too unrealistic for NationStates. Admittedly we have vat people and dinosaurs brought back to life, both those are unrealistic in a technology way rather than a magic way. I think #536 Any Witch Way Spells Disaster is about how far as we'd possibly go in suggesting magic and that is much more ambiguous and funny than this draft about things.

[Australian rePublic]

The key here is to not objectively state that warewolves exist, but rather that some people think that they do

[Jutsa]

Honestly, I felt that he did that part relatively well.

[Ransium]

At this night, an weird creature was shoted only a few meters from your office by the police. However as they approach, the cops saw something even stranger: the "creature" it was just a pale naked man. Now, close to several police lines and a silver sheet covering the corpse, you need to decide: what to do now?

There's really no way for me to see this a STRONGLY implying it was a werewolf. Is it possible it's something else? Maybe, but it really seems like a werewolf. It needs to be opposite. Strongly implying it's not a werewolf with the possibility it is. And much funnier.

[Imperio de Jandira]

Ah, this is a very tricky one. I've been so on-the-fence with this one, for many reasons.

It has pretty horrifying grammar. I don't mean offense by this, either; improper grammar is a common factor in issues' first drafts.
It also doesn't flow particularly nicely, and seems to try to bunch a couple of ideas in strange sentences without an elegant segue.

Both of those, however, are fine to work with; in fact, I was very well going to do that, but then I noticed something else.
The issue options, and the issue itself.

The issue itself is relatively understandable; a werewolf was shot by policemen. I'm afraid, however, that it may have problems with issue #595,
an option which either lets police have their own cameras, have cameras all over the place(which are not controlled by the police),
or not have cameras at all, and the reason as on account of someone being shot by a policeman. That being said, I think it's probably
different enough so long as you add a validity that states that you haven't chosen options 1 or 2 in issue #595, or picked a pro-cameras option
in issue #21 (yes, that's another issue that instates police cameras all over the place).

Another problem is tied between the options and the issue. The issue's supposed to be about a man who was shot by policemen who thought he was a werewolf.
Now, the way it's framed, you have some inconsistency in what the issue is about.

Options 2 and 3 are fine the way they are, with 3, I believe, being the best crazy option. Option 4, in my opinion, is completely unnecessary,
and option 1 is a little bit concerning(see above), but I think it's doable. But this brings up another problem:
A naked man outside of your office was still shot, and option 1 seems to be more about buffing security than recording for werewolves.

Now, simply put, I think there's possibly an issue that can be had here, but it's too haphazard to be viable the way it is now, so to summarize:

1) The shooting needs to take place elsewhere, which means changing the description and option 1,
2) You need to add a validity that states that options 1/2 of #595 and option 1 of #021 have not been chosen,
3) I highly recommend removing option 4, and
4) You need a fair bit of grammatical editing, which I can specialize in after the changes.

Now, you don't have to do that if you don't want to; it's your issue, after all. But I do really believe that in order for
this issue to be a consistent and viable one that's likely to make it into this game, you'll probably want to take me up on my advice.
Again, though, up to you.

I'll give you points, however, for adding "were-@@ANIMAL@@". That was a good call, and I recommend changing the title to have Were-@@ANIMAL@@ in it.
and I sincerely hope to see more work from you. Also, I really do apologize for the downsome news,
but hey, at least this issue seems to be workable, as opposed to most of the issue drafts I've uploaded.

I wish you well.

Well, my english is... very bad

I'm not a native speaker, and my english is very outdated.

Well, i'll work on these suggestions, and work with my great love: GOOGLE TRANSLATE!

Greetings

[Imperio de Jandira]

Third draft posted! Any feedback?

[Imperio de Jandira]

Bump

[Fauxia]

I noticed a typo: "Was shoted" should be "was shot"

[Imperio de Jandira]

I noticed a typo: "Was shoted" should be "was shot"

Thanks!

[Jutsa]

I... think there are a fair few more typos than that, Fauxia. Still, thank you.

Alrighty, lets get started. Again, the English in this is a little bit... un-Englishy(pardon my un-Englishy phrasing there),
but I think we can get this fixed up if you're willing to head my wall of spelling and grammatical fixtures.

Also, I should mention this: You used sentences in your effect lines. They should be unsentencified, as I call it, as follows:

this is an example of a fallout sentence without punctuations nor capitalization outside of something along the lines of Edward Rump Incorporated

Final note: I say to change were-@@ANIMAL@@ to were@@ANIMAL@@ a lot in this. IF you don't want to change it, that's fine,
and you can skip over all of the times I say it. IF you do wish to change this, however, then they're... presumably* all listed below.

Overall, I must say, the issue does already look better, though, with your modifications. Now, onto the boxes!~

The Title/Issue/Validity:

Night of the Were-@@ANIMAL@@

I thought about it, and it can actually just be Were@@ANIMAL@@, without the -hyphen-.

At this night, an weird creature was shot only a few meters from center of @@CAPITAL@@ by the police.

1)Replace At this night, with Just last night,. I don't know if politicians work at night very much, tbh, but I think this'd work better anyways.
2) a weird creature, not an.
3) "a few meters from center of @@CAPITAL@@" I think just saying on the outskirts of @@CAPITAL@@ would do better.

However as they approach, the cops saw something even stranger:

However as they approach, should be However, when they approached,

the "creature" it was just a pale naked man.

Remove "it".

Now, close to several police lines and a silver sheet covering the corpse,

I think you forgot the rest of this sentence. You may have been, however, leading up to the following debate, but descriptions pretty much never link that way.
I instead recommend saying "You've arrived to the scene, where there are several police lines and a silver sheet covering the corpse."

Validity → All nations

I highly recommend having the following validity: Has a police force. Also, I'd recommend moving Option 1's validity to the whole issue.

Option 1:

"We saved your life, @@LEADER@@" says @@RANDOMNAME@@,

Comma after @@LEADER@@, before the " mark. I know, it's odd, because English is a pain in the butt sometimes.

a policeman who, at the same time, speaks with you and prevents you from crossing the police line.

Alright, you don't need to say that he/she's speaking to you. Just say "a policeman who's currently preventing you from crossing the police line.", or something along those lines.

"But... my colleagues said that this man are not a man, but an creature! An Were-@@ANIMAL@@!

... ok, a bit of work here...
Here, I'll just phrase what it should be in bold:
But... my colleagues said that this man wasn't a man when they shot him, but a creature! A were@@ANIMAL@@!

I told them they are crazy, but I can not prove they are wrong, because we don't have security cameras on the streets.

"that they're crazy" instead of "they are crazy". Also, you can remove the "because we don't have security cameras on the streets",
since it's more-or-less explained in the next sentence anyways.

I suggest you to install security cameras in all streets of @@CAPITAL@@,

on all streets of should probably be for every street in.

so we can prevent new Were-@@ANIMAL@@ attacks... and normal crimes too"

1) I recommend instead changing the reasoning to something like
"so we can prove whether or not strange incidents like these actually happen. Oh, and stop normal crimes, too."
Feel free to use your own words on this, but I do feel like this would be along the better lines of things for the policeman to say.
2) Were-@@ANIMAL@@ should be were@@ANIMAL@@

Security cameras were installed on @@CAPITAL@@' to detect the presence of criminals, Were-@@ANIMAL@@s and street rioters

Ok, this is a very good effect line. The only problem is the comma, but if you remove the "street rioters", it should work fine.
Also, Were-@@ANIMAL@@s should be were@@ANIMAL@@s.

VALIDITY FOR THIS OPTION: options 1/2 of #595 and/or option 1 of #021 have not been chosen

Again, I recommend making this the validity for the issue as a whole.

Option 2:

"What? Were-@@ANIMAL@@s?

Were@@ANIMAL@@s?* Simple no-hyphen.

"The crazy legends of the @@DENONYM@@".

Very creative, here, although I recommend capitalizing the C and L in "Crazy Legends".

"What's the next?

What's next?*

What happened here was that these guards are mentally exhausted, and they ended up seeing a simple mirage, shooting against a crazy naked man.

were mentally exhausted* shooting a crazy, naked man.*

But this can be a warning that the @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ policemen needs consult with psychiatrists at least once every six months.

Remove but and needs→need to.

With a little bit of funds, we can create an public network of psychiartic clinics, and provides free treatment from every people.

funding* psychiatric* provide* for every policeman*

You'll see how the "aparitions" of were-@@ANIMAL@@s, OVNI's and honest politicians will be reduced to zero".

"aparitions"→'apparitions', turning the quotes into apostrophes and doubling the p.
Also, were-@@ANIMAL@@s→were@@ANIMAL@@, I think "UFOs" would be better than "OVNI's"(since idk what ovni means), and... "honest politicians"?
That is 100% golden, keep that at all costs.
Also, final note: The period comes before the final quotation mark after zero.

Psychiatrists from @@NAME@@ are the highest paid professionals of @@REGION@@

This seems a little flat, although certainly not untrue. Maybe you could find a way to punch this up just a little bit?

Option 3:

"Were-@@ANIMAL@@s are real!!" screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, after overtaking the police line with an easel written "I believe in monsters" and an strange gadget in @@HIS@@ hands.

Were@@ANIMAL@@s*, and you can also remove the comma and one of the two exclamation points.
Also, everything after "monsters" except for the period could probably be removed.

"Many called me crazy, but i'm not crazy!

i'm→I'm

This is the proof of the existence of the werecreatures! I said! I SAID! HAHAHAHA...

Yep, he sounds totally bonkers. Good job!
Then again he could be the most sane person ever. That's up for the player to decide, I guess, although I'm sure an editor would suggest
toning it down a bit to help make this option seem a bit more viable?

well, I can hunt then down, and I can provide these monster hunting gadget for the entire population. I just need some funding for produce these gadgets, and everyone will know that I'm not crazy! I'M NOT CRAZY! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Really, this seems like a good final option, but seeing as you have an equally bonkers final option,
I suggest maybe toning it down a bit. Maybe just have him hunt them down, but I don't think you should give the entire population monster-hunting equipment.
Or, instead, you could instead encourage the belief that werewolves exist, but not have everyone hunt them down. Your call, though, honestly.

effect]Childrens of @@NATION@@ are presented with monster-hunting gadgets at Christmas

Again, I recommend changing this to fit my suggestions above.
However, if you decide to keep it the way it is, then I suggest changing "at Christmas" to "as birthday presents". Christmas doesn't exist everywhere. :3

Option 4:

"Were-@@ANIMAL@@s don't exist... but we can change this" whispers Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of Research Lab Of Enriched Mutagenology, retracting an DNA sample from the corpse and putting it in a suitcase.

Were@@ANIMAL@@s* a DNA* comma after this before the ".
Also, is Mutagenology a real thing, is it misspelled, or is it something made up? I take it it's the last thing.

"We can use genetic engineering to create an real were-@@ANIMAL@@

a real were@@ANIMAL@@*

With your authorization and government funding, I will make this research and, less than a year, you will see real were-@@ANIMAL@@s on the streets. Like real legends"

1) "I will make this research" → I will do the research
2) in before less than a year
3) were@@ANIMAL@@s
4) If real legends references something, period after legends. If it's not a reference, I just recommend removing everything but the " after streets.

@@NAME@@ is #1 at the "Were-@@ANIMAL@@ Aparitions Index" of the @@REGION@@

This one's not bad. were@@ANIMAL@@* Apparitions*
A reference to indexes is pretty neat, so having something that's not a proper stat commented on in an effect line is a pretty golden choice, altogether.

Final note: I think you should have a validity for this option: somewhat-high scientific advancement. Can't make were@@ANIMAL@@s if all you have are wooden sticks... right?[/quote]

So, to summarize:
1) Plenty of grammatical and spelling fixtures
2) Some validity changes
3) Possibly tone down the crazy and the effects of option 3
4) Some logical and word rephrasing

Overall, though, this seems much more workable than the previous draft you had up, so thank you very much.
Good luck with your issue, IdJ! It'll be a lot of work, but I think with enough fixing up, it could be worth it.