[DISCARDED]A Graphene Growth

[Belturana]

Commercially viable mass production techniques have been discovered in @@NAME@@ for the so called newly invented wonder material, graphene(an allotrope of carbon). The nation's intellectuals have argued on and brought to you how to deal with this matter.

[Valid if]Nation with high scientific advancement, perhaps 100 on that index would be a good idea.

[Option 1]"Good day @@LEADER@@, I propose you hand it over to us, the private sector." says @@RANDOMNAME@@ , CEO of Garnering Graphite Corp, in a friendly soothing voice, perhaps oddly friendly, while sporting an exquisite monocle and luxurious outfit. "Think about it, I mean companies will innovate and compete better efficiently to provide the future to the people with this wonder material for ou- I mean @@NAME@@'s betterment. In fact, while we're at it throw some government subsidies to those willing to venture, especially mine."
[Effects]Corporations exaggerate their innovations to grab subsidies.


[Option 2]Your Minister of Defence, @@RANDOMNAME@@, intervenes and speaks sternly. "That's nice, but let's focus to the real deal shall we? @@LEADER@@, I've studied the capabilities of this material with some help I enlisted from the army engineer corps and arms industry experts, and have come to the conclusion that this material is perfect for our military!" as @@HE@@ throws several military analytic documents down your table. "Imagine it, our firearms cheap but strong and long lasting, armor for our tanks because graphene can be made flexible, a perfect Non Explosive Reactive Armor material if we mix it with some other things, or aircraft and ships, even our carriers, to make them bulletproof to most calibers, I've also read that high quality graphene as a good conductor can shield from EMP. This is for our armed forces to have the best equipment! All we need is funding to produce and procure to speed it up, and @@NAME@@ is ahead in the case of war!" @@HE@@ exclaims.
[Effects]Everything the military has smells and looks graphene.

[Option 3]One of your advisors, @@RANDOMNAME@@, a socialist, glaring momentarily at the other 2. "Finished your speeches have you?" @@HE@@ scoffs, then proceeds to face you. "@@LEADER@@, it is obvious the government shall take the matter at hand for it not to be abused by greedy selfish interests, this is after all a new material that can be abused by the wrong hands, and thus we take it for the @@DEMONYM@@ people! Not for guns, not for those corps. Open up a department and branch to manage the production, and perhaps products that it can go to, it'll even generate some revenue."
[Effects]Everything new is managed by the government, literally.


[Option 4]"No, that is not enough!" Shouts Lenin Castro in his red but ragged clothing, a far left communist, seemingly angry but keeping his temper somewhat controlled. "@@LEADER@@, we the people, especially the lower working class, believe that not only should this new production be controlled, everything in the nation's economic production should. And it's high time we do it, right in the advent of something that could potentially be the turning point of our nation's economy. To add, wouldn't it be better since we can integrate this to the other industries way faster, picture this...both a technologically and ideologically advanced utopian @@NAME@@." Said the @@MAN@@ in a dramatic poetic way.
[Effects]Communist regularly cite their success in @@NAME@@ to conduct generalization fallacy.


[Option 5]A quiet person walks into your room, it seems that is @@RANDOMNAME@@ in the typical white labcoat, a renowned independent research scientist who also played a part in the discovery of the material graphene and one of the techniques on how to mass produce it. @@HE@@ kept his composure, then started speaking with perhaps complicated words. "If I may interject, @@LEADER@@, will you listen to us, the scientists, the ones who made it possible? Of course, we still stand for the betterment of the people in the end, but we too want a say in things regarding of our work, and are tired of the usual scuffle of these politicians. We propose funding into research of the realization of better applications of graphene though the ones that are already done of course can go into the public." @@HE@@ pauses for a moment. "I'm talking about ones for efficient solar cells for the environment, high end computers, optical electronics, even biomedical application, and for the similar materials that could replace graphene for specializations, such as stanene that could be the ultimate conductor, or carbyne that could be the ultimate strong material, while graphene still holds for general non-specialized uses. I would like to add we should also start introducing these discoveries into the curriculum, for the next generation to excel better." And he exhales at the end of his intellectual speech.
[Effects]Many scientists now indulge deeply in politics, as patent applications amount to mountains.

[Option 6]
"Ya know what I think?" You turned to the origin of the voice, @@RANDOMNAME@@ in @@HIS@@ modest semi-formal clothing, a centrist. "Well, we centrists are usually the ones left out in politics, I don't mean disrespect to the scientists, but I feel 'em. I think it to be like this, both the companies, government, and even scientists can meddle in this. You heard me, companies can pursue but so can the government or independent researchers. Balance the gov' funding between research, education, and the new potential market...that'll do at it." He says so calmly, attempting to hide/suppress a grin in his face.
[Effects]All competing in the production of graphene and graphene-related products slander each other and boast theirs is better.


[Option 7]
"This is such a load of nonsense!" Declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, an apathetic generalist technophobe, while reading a book titled 'Technology Is Just Plain Bad'. "We have had enough new mumbo jumbo as it is, what I suggest is to ban this, along with any new technology, and scrap em. We can also start transitioning back to when people just farmed and stuff without those machines. Make things simpler so we don't have to care that much."
[Effects]Out with the new, in with the old, in @@NAME@@.

[Draft 2]

Cheap mass production techniques have suddenly appeared for graphene in @@NAME@@, the hype built around the wonder material soars higher than ever, but it begs the question, who shall have the means of production?

[Valid if]Nation with high scientific advancement

[Option 1]”The private sector of course! Right @@LEADER@@?” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of Garnering Graphite in an oddly friendly tone, smiling wildly. “We’ll bring it to the people through the market, and throw some subsidies to those of us willing to do it, especially my company.” while patting your back.
[Effect]Fads on graphene’s ‘miraculous qualities are exaggerated by corporate ads.

[Option 2]”That’s nice but I have a different opinion.” Says your Minister of Defence, @@RANDOMNAME@@, in a cold arrogant voice. “Why not use it for the military? This thing looks like it could do well for our equipment and weapons, so we could be well ahead of our enemies in many aspects. What say you?” As he puts down documents of the possible military uses of graphene.
[Effect]Graphene is used as the military’s toilet paper.

[Option 3]”Ugh, why not the government take it wholly so we can truly serve the people?” Complains one of your socialist advisors, @@RANDOMNAME@@ in a disgruntled way while brushing the other 2 aside and flinging the documents away. “Open up a new department to manage, and it’ll even generate us some revenue.”
[Effect]Everything new is managed by the government, literally.

[Option 4]”Just let all of ‘em have their way.” Interjects centrist political commentator, @@RANDOMNAME@@ while sipping a plastic glass of orange juice. “Government, private sector, military can have dibs, everybody wins.”
[Effect] Competitors in the graphene market get fierce as they slander and boast whom is better.

[Option 5]”Not me, I disagree.” says notable conservative @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ in his cowboy outfit. “I’ve read that this graphene thing could be poisonous ya know? Besides, good ol’ steel and copper works fine, we ain’t no need new mumbo jumbo material.”
[Effect]Out with the new, stick with the old, in @@NAME@@.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

(Stats are merely suggestions, I'm well aware the final decision of determining them goes to the issue editors if this gets submitted and approved. I tried to make the effects humorous too.)

Lose the stat suggestions. They aren't of any use to us, as the game engine doesn't work as a series of sliders on each stat, but rather as an emergent simulation resulting from backstage directions that use stats invisible and unknown to the players.

Commercially viable mass production techniques have been discovered in @@NAME@@ for the so called newly invented wonder material, graphene(an allotrope of carbon). The nation's intellectuals have argued on and brought to you how to deal with this matter.

What can I say? It's sound, but it's boring as hell.

NS is a game of government simulation, for sure, but its about entertainment and storytelling. The goal here is usually to be funny and satirical, and failing that, to be thought-provoking or to raise interesting dilemmas.

I can't imagine receiving this dilemma and thinking "gosh, what an interesting question" or "aho, that's witty." Rather, I'd think "man, who CARES?"

[Option 1]"Good day @@LEADER@@, I propose you hand it over to us, the private sector." says @@RANDOMNAME@@ , CEO of Garnering Graphite Corp, in a friendly soothing voice, perhaps oddly friendly, while sporting an exquisite monocle and luxurious outfit. "Think about it, I mean companies will innovate and compete better efficiently to provide the future to the people with this wonder material for ou- I mean @@NAME@@'s betterment. In fact, while we're at it throw some government subsidies to those willing to venture, especially mine."

This just screams stat numbers with every other word. Clearly, you've got a solid base in English language skills, but I think you need to think more in terms of story. Don't just insinuate stat changes with your text, use your writing to weave a narrative, and to create a mental picture.

[Effects]Corporations exaggerate their innovations to grab subsidies.

Really, that's not the sort of thing we're looking for. We want effect lines that are a little bit unexpected, which logically follow from the decision made, but which don't just state the obvious outcome.

[Stats]Scientific advancement 15% increase, business subsidization 20% increase, economic freedom 10% increase, economy 5% increase, economic output 5% increase, average income(regular, rich, and poor) 5% increase, weather 3% increase, freedom from taxation 3% increase, taxation 3% decrease, Industry : Mining 6% increase(graphene comes from carbon materials, for example graphite), Sector : Manufacturing 8% increase, Industry : Information Technology 3.07% increase, Industry Retail : 2.6% increase, Industry : Arms Manufacturing 0.6% increase, Industry : Automobile Manufacturing 0.4% increase, Corruption 4% increase, employment 1% increase, Sector : Agriculture 4% decrease, Industry : Timber Woodchipping 10% decrease, Industry : Furniture Restoration 8% decrease, Industry : Basket Weaving 4% decrease, Industry : Insurance 5% decrease(a lot of things won't break), government size 2% decrease, primitiveness 8% decrease.

The number one thing this block of text achieves is to render your draft hard to read for anyone coming to your thread, and thus discourage feedback. Just delete these blocks entirely, please.

[Option 2]Your Minister of Defence, @@RANDOMNAME@@, intervenes and speaks sternly. "That's nice, but let's focus to the real deal shall we? @@LEADER@@, I've studied the capabilities of this material with some help I enlisted from the army engineer corps and arms industry experts, and have come to the conclusion that this material is perfect for our military!" as @@HE@@ throws several military analytic documents down your table. "Imagine it, our firearms cheap but strong and long lasting, armor for our tanks because graphene can be made flexible, a perfect Non Explosive Reactive Armor material if we mix it with some other things, or aircraft and ships, even our carriers, to make them bulletproof to most calibers, I've also read that high quality graphene as a good conductor can shield from EMP. This is for our armed forces to have the best equipment! All we need is funding to produce and procure to speed it up, and @@NAME@@ is ahead in the case of war!" @@HE@@ exclaims.

The first option was a little too long, this one is WAY too long.

The most critical flaw, however, is that this speaker has exactly the same tone of voice and speech pattern as the last one. Try to think like a scriptwriter for a movie, and visualise what the character is doing as they speak, and what their style and pattern of speech is. You have every character speak in the same flat monotone, in the same costumes, with no emotion and with no camera movement and you get... I dunno... The Phantom Menace. Add personality, wit, difference in character, conflict and movement, and you get The Force Awakens.

[Effects]Everything the military has smells and looks graphene.

No, that's really not interesting.

[Option 3]One of your advisors, @@RANDOMNAME@@, a socialist, glaring momentarily at the other 2. "Finished your speeches have you?" @@HE@@ scoffs, then proceeds to face you. "@@LEADER@@, it is obvious the government shall take the matter at hand for it not to be abused by greedy selfish interests, this is after all a new material that can be abused by the wrong hands, and thus we take it for the @@DEMONYM@@ people! Not for guns, not for those corps. Open up a department and branch to manage the production, and perhaps products that it can go to, it'll even generate some revenue."

This one at least has some interesting personality. However, the character still acts and sounds very similar.

[Option 4]"No, that is not enough!" Shouts Lenin Castro in his red but ragged clothing, a far left communist, seemingly angry but keeping his temper somewhat controlled. "@@LEADER@@, we the people, especially the lower working class, believe that not only should this new production be controlled, everything in the nation's economic production should. And it's high time we do it, right in the advent of something that could potentially be the turning point of our nation's economy. To add, wouldn't it be better since we can integrate this to the other industries way faster, picture this...both a technologically and ideologically advanced utopian @@NAME@@." Said the @@MAN@@ in a dramatic poetic way.

Narratively speaking, it's rare to need two options espousing different degrees of Communism.

[Option 5]A quiet person walks into your room, it seems that is @@RANDOMNAME@@ in the typical white labcoat, a renowned independent research scientist who also played a part in the discovery of the material graphene and one of the techniques on how to mass produce it. @@HE@@ kept his composure, then started speaking with perhaps complicated words. "If I may interject, @@LEADER@@, will you listen to us, the scientists, the ones who made it possible? Of course, we still stand for the betterment of the people in the end, but we too want a say in things regarding of our work, and are tired of the usual scuffle of these politicians. We propose funding into research of the realization of better applications of graphene though the ones that are already done of course can go into the public." @@HE@@ pauses for a moment. "I'm talking about ones for efficient solar cells for the environment, high end computers, optical electronics, even biomedical application, and for the similar materials that could replace graphene for specializations, such as stanene that could be the ultimate conductor, or carbyne that could be the ultimate strong material, while graphene still holds for general non-specialized uses. I would like to add we should also start introducing these discoveries into the curriculum, for the next generation to excel better." And he exhales at the end of his intellectual speech.

Cut down the bulk of this by 75%. In fact, aim for 2-3 lines of text per option. Maybe 4-5 lines if you're presenting multiple ideas and can point to multiple points of wit and humour.

And at this stage, let's not read on, because this is turning into a slog.

Most issues, you will note, have 3-4 short options. Sometimes, if there's a lot of distinct approaches to a situation, we'll go to 5 options. Sometimes, if we're looking at a "pick from a list" issue, we'll go up to many many more options, but in a list issue, we're looking for about 1-2 lines per option.

You've started with a topic that has no particular human interest or story, then presented us with a barrage of overlong options. Even as an Issue Editor reviewing the draft, I couldn't be bothered to read to the end. How likely is it that a player of the game, clicking through at pace on his daily login, will want to read this much of an essentially uninteresting story?

If all this seems harsh, it's meant to be. However, the fact that I consider it worth writing a reply of this length is because I recognise here an underlying solidity of command of writing, and I think that with criticism taken on board, you absolutely have the potential to be a superb author.

[Australian rePublic]

Hello and welcome to Got Issues! It's always nice to see a new writer!


As far as the writing is concerned, this is pretty good, especially for a first draft. Now let's take a look

I'm going to be abrupt and to the point here, this is a reflection of my personality, not your work:

1. You found a new material? Is it realistic for modern day earth? What is it? A metal?
2. If you want to have 6 or 7 options, please try to keep them all short and sweet

[USS Monitor]

1. You found a new material? Is it realistic for modern day earth? What is it? A metal?

They explained what it is. It's an allotrope of carbon, like diamond or graphite.

2. If you want to have 6 or 7 options, please try to keep them all short and sweet

^This. The options are very wordy, and you probably don't need so many of them in the first place.

[Australian rePublic]

Rule of thumb: The more options you have, the shorter they should be

Also, diamonds and graphite are two VERY different things

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Graphene actually exists by the way:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graphene

...which is another reason this narrative doesn't work well. Admittedly, commercially viable mass production would be a new thing. However, it doesn't change the underlying deficits of this issue in terms of story.

[The Atlae Isles]

Also, diamonds and graphite are two VERY different things

They're two different arrangements of carbon. But they're not that different, so there have been instances where scientists have turned graphite into diamonds.

[Belturana]

Lose the stat suggestions. They aren't of any use to us, as the game engine doesn't work as a series of sliders on each stat, but rather as an emergent simulation resulting from backstage directions that use stats invisible and unknown to the players.

Alright, done.

If all this seems harsh, it's meant to be. However, the fact that I consider it worth writing a reply of this length is because I recognise here an underlying solidity of command of writing, and I think that with criticism taken on board, you absolutely have the potential to be a superb author.

Okay, yeah. Thanks a lot for the critique. Nah, it's alright, I understand that you are trying to help and perhaps have been through that too and I know my work is subject to scrutiny. If you are wondering, I was off for a few days for other reasons. Anyway, I've tried my best to listen and remedy my mistakes and made a second draft in a spoiler in the original post, is it good or are there still mistakes or implications that need refining?

[Helaw]

In future, I would recommend that you put the newest draft before older ones for ease of quoting.

[Belturana]

In future, I would recommend that you put the newest draft before older ones for ease of quoting.

Okay, noted.

[USS Monitor]

Anyway, I've tried my best to listen and remedy my mistakes and made a second draft in a spoiler in the original post, is it good or are there still mistakes or implications that need refining?

It's definitely an improvement. The writing quality is not bad.

It's still a little bland, though. Can you think of any way to make it more quirky, whimsical, or humorous?

I think you're headed in the right direction, but can probably improve further.

[Belturana]

Sigh, senior high school hit me hard and I was more motivated to purely do gaming and occasionally check this site. Whelp, I'll put this marked as discarded, maybe I'll regain motivation and improved on my writing skills to rework on this idea if no one has taken up on it yet, or try to think of a new one in the future.

[Jutsa]

Aw, sorry Belturana. Take care.