1. "It is outrageous that the government has placed no restrictions on dihydrogen monoxide!" exclaims Nathan Zohner, "DHMO for short. It causes millions of deaths each year, most through suffucation; is highly corrosive; encourages the growth of harmful organisms, like bacteria and mildew; its LD50 is over 90 ml/kg, and I have no idea what it means, but it sounds scary, and I think that the L stands for lethal, which means that DHMO is deadly; and more! Also, the last time I heard monoxide anything, it was carbon monoxide! The lack of much-needed restrictions on DHMO especially surprising when compared in contrast to how hard the government has clamped down on trihydrogen mononitride, or THMN, which is common in nature, is a necessary ingredient in protein production in humans and animals, it and related compounds are a key part of fertile soil, and it can neutralize acids. In fact, our kidneys actually secrete it to use it for that! Is the government going to end restrictions on THMN, or will it hire surgeons to remove it from my kidneys on a daily basis even though it plays an important biological role?"
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, the government has ended safety restrictions on ammonia and banned water, leading to a dehydration epidemic.
2. "What's actually outrageous," corrects chemist @RANDOMNAME@ "is how uninformed he is! He said himself that he has no idea what things like LD50 are! He said it himself! He probably doesn't know what DHMO or THMN really stand for, and instead just read some phony sites that were put up on April Fools Day, because he is chemically and scientifically illiterate! We need to stop this confusion at once! No alternate names for chemicals and make sufficient scientific literacy a requirement for passing any form of school! Did you know, for example, that DHMO is just the scientific name for--"
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, kindergardeners who don't know the difference between sodium lauryl sulfate and sodium laureth sulfate are held back, and those who pass grow up to reject products bearing the label "Chemical free" as literally nothing.
3. The chemist is interrupted by a boom of cannon fire; a general has had an entire artillery squadron go off in an effort to get your attention so you will listen to him. "You know, if DHMO accounts for as many deaths each year, is as corrosive, encourages the growth of harmful organisms, etc... as much as the first guy was saying, it could be an effective weapon. Just think, if we fired it at our enemies, it would corrode their ships, kill their soldiers, and made their barrack mildew-ridden faster than with any other means. If you give us a grant, we'll make DHMO our primary weapon!"
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, @NAME@ has gotten rid of all rifles and machine guns in its arms supply in favor of water pistols.
4. "The problem with these lapses in hazardous chemical regulation," begins pseudo-chemist @RANDOMNAME@, who may or may not be a Bigtopian spy, "is that in order to regulate a group of chemicals, you have to list each chemical individually. Not only can the government miss some stuff from time to time, but companies can just take a toxic and strictly regulated chemical, replace an undecyl group at the end of the molecule with a dodecyl group, and they can use it without restriction until some more legislation is passed, but then, they'll just use a decyl group or something, and the cycle goes on and on. Why don't you just say so-and-so chemical and anything that kind of looks similar to it when you look at a ball-and-stick model?
Effect: Following new legislation in @NAME@, VG nerve agent is a common sweetener, often used in the place of acesulfame potassium because a phosphorous atom bonded to a sulfur atom and three oxygen atoms, two of which are bonded to a carbon atom bonded to a carbon atom bonded to hydrogen atoms, kind of looks like a sulfur atom bonded to a nitrogen atom and three oxygen atoms, one of which is bonded to a carbon atom bonded to carbon atoms bonded to hydrogen atoms, and phosphorous borders nitrogen and sulfur on the Periodic Table. If that's too wordy, then following new legislation in @NAME@, hydrogen peroxide is a popular drink because it's chemically similar to water.
