[SUBMITTED] Mind Blown

[The United Providences of Perland]

Description: Recently, a rather weird trend of citizens mixing chemicals for cool stunts has lead to obviously bad results. One example of this being when two teens thought it would be funny to light a small homemade strontium and magnesium firework near a @@CAPITAL@@ fuel depot; thankfully, the depot was empty when it went blew sky high in a spectacular explosion of red and orange.

Validity: Valid for nations with moderate ignorance

Debate:

[option]"These kids are going to continue to hurt themselves if we don't intervene," remarks one of your health advisers, @@RANDOMNAME@@, as he removes cleansing products from a closet. "I mean, these people are risking life and limb just for a cool flash of light and a boom. Adolecents clearly can't be trusted with explosive chemicals/agents. Therefor, I find it a rather sound idea to ban minors from possesing and buying chemicals nationwide."
[effect]teens sift through shady alleyways looking for dihydrogen monoxide dealers

[option]"Who failed to teach these morons about chemical safety?" asks chemistry teacher @@RANDOMNAME@@ as he video chats you, failing to notice the kids having a Bunsen burner duel at the back of the class. "I say the government make it mandatory that chemistry and explosives awareness be taught to people in the nation. If they pass, they can get a certificate or license of some sort. Once they have said thing, they can purchase and use chemicals and light explosives."
[effect]you may only blow your pinkies off if you've been state certified

[option]"Oh come on man, who gives a crap," retorts a local teen boy who is noticeably missing his eyebrows. "It's just some harmless fun. Sure, some people may hurt themselves or blow some stuff up, but that's just natural selection or something. As long as you know what you're doing it is perfectly safe. So, why not just give people the freedom to do what they please with their explosive masterpieces."
[effect]the weather in the nation is cloudy with a chance of fingers

[Australian rePublic]

Option 1- I don't know if you can call them terrorists. A terrorist intentionally tries to kill people, This is just a matter of idiots being idiots

[The United Providences of Perland]

Option 1- I don't know if you can call them terrorists. A terrorist intentionally tries to kill people, This is just a matter of idiots being idiots

Fixed

[The United Providences of Perland]

More suggestions please.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Description: Recently, a rather weird trend of citizens mixing chemicals for cool stunts has lead to obviously bad results. One example of this being when two teens thought it would be funny to light a small homemade gunpowder and magnesium firework near a @@CAPITAL@@ fuel depot; thankfully the depot was empty when it went blew sky high in a spectacular explosion of red and orange. Concern citizens have blown through your residence demanding solutions.

Nice premise.

Strontium for red, not magnesium. Or you could make it "a small homemade strontium and magnesium firework near a petroleum depot" for red, orange and white.

I think the last line is redundant - a classic "people want something to be done" line that is ripe for cutting.

[option]"These morons are fregin' threats I tell ya," shouts your Domestic Security Adviser, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I mean these pyromaniacs are not only blowing up precious fuel, but are jeopardizing the lives of others, and themselves. I read reports of one teen who accidentally killed his entire family by pouring huge amounts of ammonia and bleach into a boiling pot. We need to ban these hazardous chemicals out right.

Fregin'?

This reads badly, and doesn't transmit enough information. Also, why isn't the ammonia story the issue, if something like this happened?

I would suggest getting to the point of the action plan straight away. Something like:

[option]"Who let these morons get their hands on hazardous chemicals?" asks fire officer @@random_name()@@, brushing soot from @@HIS@@ uniform. "Lives are being put at risk. I read a report from the United Federation of one teen who accidentally gassed his entire family by mixing printer's ammonia with household bleach. We need to regulate the sale of any chemicals to minors."

[effect]metaphorical and literal bubble wrap is being applied to everything nation wide

The bubble wrap joke has recently been used, in All Shook Up, and worked better there.

I'd suggest a joke that purposefully over-understands the word "chemicals". Like:

[effect]youngsters hang around outside newsagents asking adults if they will buy them a bottle of dihydrogen monoxide

Next up, I'd suggest proposing a second solution to the problem, and echoing the previous opening. For example, starting off:

[option]"Who failed to teach these morons about chemical safety?" asks chemistry teacher @@random_name()@@, failing to notice the kids having a bunsen burner duel at the back of his class.

Doesn't have to be that, but it'd be nice to have 2-3 positive solutions before going to the "freedom, man" teen.

[option]"Oh come on man, who gives a crap," retorts a local teen who is noticeably missing his right hand. "It's just some harmless fun. Sure, some people may hurt themselves or blow some stuff up, but that's just natural selection or something. As long as you know what you're doing it is perfectly safe. So, why not just give people the freedom to do what they please with their explosive masterpieces.
[effect]the weather in the nation is cloudy with a chance of fingers

The injury victim doesn't seem a believable advocate for this position. I'd change "right hand" to "right eyebrow".

[option]"Or we could come to a slight compromise here," states @@RANDOMNAME@@, infamous @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ chemist as he Mypes you from an undisclosed location. "I say the government fund explosives academies to teach people proper mixing, detonation, and construction of explosives and chemistry. Then, you make it illegal to posses explosive chemicals, and use them without a certification of completion. This will surely help the problem.
[effect]only the pros blow themselves up

I see you got the education option here. Move it up a place, and merge it with the previously suggested opening.

[The United Providences of Perland]

*snip*

Oh dear jesus ok. I fixed everything you mentioned. I also took all your recommendations to heart, and added my own spin to them. Do they look alright now? I like adding my own bit of comedy in there.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Please bear in mind that I only ever respond with that level of detail for drafts that are clearly ones that are potentially publishable. No point spending time polishing turds, after all.

[The United Providences of Perland]

Please bear in mind that I only ever respond with that level of detail for drafts that are clearly ones that are potentially publishable. No point spending time polishing turds, after all.

Thank you very much CWA!

[Helaw]

Description: Recently, a rather weird trend of citizens mixing chemicals for cool stunts has lead to obviously bad results. One example of this being when two teens thought it would be funny to light a small homemade strontium and magnesium firework near a @@CAPITAL@@ fuel depot; thankfully the depot was empty when it went blew sky high in a spectacular explosion of red and orange.

Overall, this is a good description at the moment. I would recommend a comma between 'thankfully' and 'the', but other than that I have no particular critical comments to speak of.

we don't intervene" remarks

When a quote ends in such a fashion (i.e. leading into a "Says Person X, while he eats a tasty sandwich" part), there should be a comma just before the quotation mark.

remarks one of your health advisers @@RANDOMNAME@@ as he removes cleansing products from a closet.

When you interject with the speaker's name, it should be done using commas. To illustrate: "...remarks one of your health advisers, @@RANDOMNAME@@, as he removes cleansing products from a closet."

Mypes

Is this meant to be a different take on the word 'Skype'? Either way, I'm not too keen on it, as it seems out of place.

There aren't many comments I can make beyond these that aren't painfully pretentious. Good draft, neat idea.

[The United Providences of Perland]

Description: Recently, a rather weird trend of citizens mixing chemicals for cool stunts has lead to obviously bad results. One example of this being when two teens thought it would be funny to light a small homemade strontium and magnesium firework near a @@CAPITAL@@ fuel depot; thankfully the depot was empty when it went blew sky high in a spectacular explosion of red and orange.

Overall, this is a good description at the moment. I would recommend a comma between 'thankfully' and 'the', but other than that I have no particular critical comments to speak of.

we don't intervene" remarks

When a quote ends in such a fashion (i.e. leading into a "Says Person X, while he eats a tasty sandwich" part), there should be a comma just before the quotation mark.

remarks one of your health advisers @@RANDOMNAME@@ as he removes cleansing products from a closet.

When you interject with the speaker's name, it should be done using commas. To illustrate: "...remarks one of your health advisers, @@RANDOMNAME@@, as he removes cleansing products from a closet."

Mypes

Is this meant to be a different take on the word 'Skype'? Either way, I'm not too keen on it, as it seems out of place.

There aren't many comments I can make beyond these that aren't painfully pretentious. Good draft, neat idea.

Thank ya, changes made.

[The United Providences of Perland]

I'll probably be submitting this within a day or two, and last suggestions?