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[SUBMITTED]In Space, No One Can Hear You Complain

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Drayxaso
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Posts: 357
Founded: May 09, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Drayxaso » Tue Jan 17, 2017 9:02 pm

I've done all sorts of minor revisions to decrease option size. I've also put option 2 "in stasis," which means that I've removed it for now, but if I find a way to strip it down a lot more, I may return it, depending on if people think I should or should not.
I can't find a way to stop option 3 (previously 4) from being entirely composed of questions or a good way to incorporate the 'Spyonya' pun in the description. Any help with either would be greatly appreciated.
The Great Devourer of All wrote:"Bring the ship about, helmsman! The Klingons are firing on us!"
"I can't, sir! My knees hurt like hell and my back is cramped in a thousand places. The Klingons might as well put me out of my misery!"

Neanderthaland wrote:Looks like the DPRK is in need of a new buyer. Someone more aligned to their political philosophy.


Now if only there were someone out there who needed massive amounts of coal. Someone with a cult of personality and a keen interest in surveillance. Someone who sees you when your sleeping. Who knows when you're awake.
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us
(@.0) Put this in your sig if you support the Borg

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Drayxaso
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Posts: 357
Founded: May 09, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Drayxaso » Wed Jan 18, 2017 4:46 pm

I noticed that because the last option mentioned a brand of gum, it couldn't apply for nations with no private industry, so I added an alternative version of option 4 for nations without private industry. I'm not so sure the option's variant is as amusing as the original, and the rewording makes it slightly longer, but I think it works.
The Great Devourer of All wrote:"Bring the ship about, helmsman! The Klingons are firing on us!"
"I can't, sir! My knees hurt like hell and my back is cramped in a thousand places. The Klingons might as well put me out of my misery!"

Neanderthaland wrote:Looks like the DPRK is in need of a new buyer. Someone more aligned to their political philosophy.


Now if only there were someone out there who needed massive amounts of coal. Someone with a cult of personality and a keen interest in surveillance. Someone who sees you when your sleeping. Who knows when you're awake.
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us
(@.0) Put this in your sig if you support the Borg

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Drayxaso
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Posts: 357
Founded: May 09, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Drayxaso » Sun Jan 22, 2017 11:47 pm

Anyone else have any suggestions? I'll probably be working at this a bit more before submitting.
The Great Devourer of All wrote:"Bring the ship about, helmsman! The Klingons are firing on us!"
"I can't, sir! My knees hurt like hell and my back is cramped in a thousand places. The Klingons might as well put me out of my misery!"

Neanderthaland wrote:Looks like the DPRK is in need of a new buyer. Someone more aligned to their political philosophy.


Now if only there were someone out there who needed massive amounts of coal. Someone with a cult of personality and a keen interest in surveillance. Someone who sees you when your sleeping. Who knows when you're awake.
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us
(@.0) Put this in your sig if you support the Borg

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Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 23650
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Jan 23, 2017 6:43 am

You've done a good self-edit here. Looking forward to seeing it submitted.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people
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Drayxaso
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Posts: 357
Founded: May 09, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Drayxaso » Mon Feb 06, 2017 5:11 pm

I've not forgotten or abandoned this draft, I just haven't had the time to work on it more until now.

I've completely redone option 3 to make it more entertaining and appealing. The revisions made the option a bit longer, but I compared it to #542.3, and it turns out my issue's option 3 has a smaller word count. Option 3 no longer increases taxation, and I removed the line from option 1 which stated that the MSS would be less expensive than an independently-operated space station to reflect this. I've also made option 4 cause the nation to no longer be flagged as having a space program, but I'm unsure if I should change the dialogue a bit to reflect this.

I'll probably end up submitting this soon, but I'd appreciate any suggestions or comments. I intend to do a bit more self-editing before submitting anyway.
The Great Devourer of All wrote:"Bring the ship about, helmsman! The Klingons are firing on us!"
"I can't, sir! My knees hurt like hell and my back is cramped in a thousand places. The Klingons might as well put me out of my misery!"

Neanderthaland wrote:Looks like the DPRK is in need of a new buyer. Someone more aligned to their political philosophy.


Now if only there were someone out there who needed massive amounts of coal. Someone with a cult of personality and a keen interest in surveillance. Someone who sees you when your sleeping. Who knows when you're awake.
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us
(@.0) Put this in your sig if you support the Borg

Top
User avatar
Drayxaso
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 357
Founded: May 09, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Drayxaso » Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:00 pm

I've reworked option 1 and changed "Ian Stank" to "Melon Husk" to be consistent with existing issues.
Anyone have any more comments or suggestions? If not, I'll be submitting this.
The Great Devourer of All wrote:"Bring the ship about, helmsman! The Klingons are firing on us!"
"I can't, sir! My knees hurt like hell and my back is cramped in a thousand places. The Klingons might as well put me out of my misery!"

Neanderthaland wrote:Looks like the DPRK is in need of a new buyer. Someone more aligned to their political philosophy.


Now if only there were someone out there who needed massive amounts of coal. Someone with a cult of personality and a keen interest in surveillance. Someone who sees you when your sleeping. Who knows when you're awake.
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us
(@.0) Put this in your sig if you support the Borg

Top
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Ransium
Retired Moderator
 
Posts: 6788
Founded: Oct 17, 2006
Democratic Socialists

Postby Ransium » Sat Feb 11, 2017 9:58 pm

Looks good for submission!

Commended by SC 236,
WA Delegate of Forest from March 20th, 2007 to August 19, 2020.
Author of WA Resolutions: SC 221, SC 224, SC 233, SC 243, SC 265, GA 403, GA 439, GA 445,GA 463,GA 465,
Issues Editor since January 20th, 2017 with some down time.
Author of 27 issues. First editor of 44.
Moderator since November 10th 2017 with some down time.
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Drayxaso
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 357
Founded: May 09, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Drayxaso » Sat Feb 11, 2017 10:39 pm

Submitted! Thanks to all who gave advice!
The Great Devourer of All wrote:"Bring the ship about, helmsman! The Klingons are firing on us!"
"I can't, sir! My knees hurt like hell and my back is cramped in a thousand places. The Klingons might as well put me out of my misery!"

Neanderthaland wrote:Looks like the DPRK is in need of a new buyer. Someone more aligned to their political philosophy.


Now if only there were someone out there who needed massive amounts of coal. Someone with a cult of personality and a keen interest in surveillance. Someone who sees you when your sleeping. Who knows when you're awake.
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us
(@.0) Put this in your sig if you support the Borg

Top
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