[Submitted] Maxtopian Royal Crisis

[Evilcia]

Yo, I'll to submit once again, my issus on incest

Maxtopian Royal Crisis

Description:

During a trip in @@NAME@@, children of the Maxtopian Royal Family @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ von Maxtop and her brother announced their unending love and marriage and have since refused to return to their homeland. Since then, Maxtopia has demanded that @@NAME@@ extradite the royal children to stand trial in their homeland, as incest is a crime back home.

Validity:

Valid for nation with intra-family marriage legal

Options:

[option] "This can't be happening!" cries arch-conservative Bishop @@RANDOMMALENAME@@. "Incest is one of the most terrible sins you could commit against God's will. Not only will you corrupt yourselves, but you will also corrupt others. This is just proof that you must give back marriage to the Church. If you refuse,THOU SHALT BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!"
[Effect] the government only recognizes religious marriage.
[Stats] Religiousness increases, secularism decreases, civil rights decrease, inclusiveness decrease, compassion decrease, autoritarianism increase, social conservatism increase

[option] "Talk about extremist," interrupts your Minister of Marriage and Eternal Happiness. "You know, the problem is religion. Marriage is about happiness, not service to God. You marry someone because you love that person. And there are many ways to show love with another person. A man can feel love for another man. A man can also love for multiple women just as multiple men can feel love for a single woman. And just like that, it is possible —it must be possible— for a brother to love his sister, even if it is unusual. Marriage should be celebrated by my department only. Religion only exists to control people; these bigots will never recognize people's happiness but my minister does!"
[Effect] churches have been reconverted into public museums (churches outlawed)
[Stats] Secularism increases, religiousness increases, inclusiveness increases, compassion increases, civil rights decrease, autoritarianism increase, social conservatism increase

[option] "There is no need to listen to such extremists," claims @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a visitor from Maxtopia. "You know, incest may be legal in your country, but it is illegal in mine. And everything is fine like that, your citizens abide by your laws, and our citizens must abide by our laws. That is the way things are meant to be. You are free to legalize it and we are free to ban it."
[Effect] The nation frequently extradites foreigners for acts that aren't criminal for @@DENONYMPLURAL@@
[Stats]Tourism decrease, incluviseness decrease, compassion decrease, avarageness increase

[option] "Hey, Love!" Chirps your younger sister, who, as of five minutes ago, is now your "lover", despite your protests. "Got a solution for us: we let them in. They could make a great addition to our family. We could as well celebrate our own marriage, while we're at it!" She concludes by attempting to kiss you on the lips.
[Effect] Incest is known as wincest
[Stats] civil right increase, compassion increase, inclusiveness increase, religion decrease, secularism increase, inclusiveness increase, niceness increase, rudeness decrease, social conservatism decrease

[option Validity] Adultery is legalized
[option] "Sorry, excuse me, but..." Interrupts Jiyo Kilyo, a recent immigrant from a very far nation rumored to have more @@DENONYM@@ ex-lovers then your entire staff. "But, here, in @@NAME@@, we got rights, hey? Plenty of rights like adultery, are hunted in others' lands. You have to save us from these tomatoes.... Heh sorry, I forgot good word, sorry me. You know, your lols.... I mean yours laughs... sorry, your laws. they are the bestest, others land laws are as corrupt as broken bananas."
[Effect] @@NAME@@ only gives international aid to a nation if they legalize adultery
[Stats] International aid decrease, compassion decrease, niceness decrease, rudeness increase,

[Evilcia]

Heum, no comment ?

[Australian rePublic]

Hello and welcome to Got Issues

Nice issue
However, your description says that the babies are born in the cult. Which cult?

[Evilcia]

Ah okay.

I'll call it, the Stragilly

[Evilcia]

Any one suggestion ?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

I don't like to comment unless I can be constructive rather than destructive, but as you're pushing for feedback...

It's not a good issue.

The English here is very poor - not just in spelling and grammar, which are easily corrected by editors, but in the whole construction and presentation of the issue, with little sense here that you are telling a story or presenting a dilemma. Instead we get a flurry of sentences that don't flow into each other, and which don't communicate the issue at hand.

The issue is ridiculous where it needs to be believable, and mundane where it needs to be interesting. The narrative has no sense of pace or humour.

The best thing I can say about it is that it's better than 80% of submissions we get, and that you've done the formatting right, unlike 80% of the submissions we get. However, I don't think its recoverable: the whole thing is about six rewrites away from being even adequate.

[Evilcia]

I'm not english, my first language is french, but I got no feedback, so, how should I know what can be modified to make it submittable ?

[Evilcia]

ok, I try something, I just posted an update and I changed all options.

[Luna Amore]

Unfortunately. this issue already exists in game. #274: Brotherly Love - A Bit Too Close to Home?

[Evilcia]

Well, I perfectly know,
But issue 274 is about a couple asking marriage
While this issues about what to do after the legalising of such marriage.


Anything I can do to make it less similar to issues 274 ?

[Luna Amore]

It's not dealing with the consequences of 274, it's restating the original issue. It can't be used as such, sorry.

[Evilcia]

And there I though of it an issue answering Issues 274, since the validity for having this issue, would be to have chosen the first option of issues 274, and have legalised incestuous marriage.
Any idea of how I should write to start with the consequence of 274.1

I'll try another draft

[Evilcia]

OK, I changed it, but i'm out of idea, anyone. help ?

[Troperia]

Darn, the effects for option one seems incredibly drastic. I'm sure people would be surprised that it bans homosexuality, incest, and polygamy considering the issue type.....also, it's also pretty ambiguous. "Marriage only exists between a man and woman" It's more fitting for an issue about same-sex marriage but doesn't make sense for an issue about incest since an adult brother and sister are technically a man and a woman.

[Evilcia]

Darn, the effects for option one seems incredibly drastic. I'm sure people would be surprised that it bans homosexuality, incest, and polygamy considering the issue type.....also, it's also pretty ambiguous. "Marriage only exists between a man and woman" It's more fitting for an issue about same-sex marriage but doesn't make sense for an issue about incest since an adult brother and sister are technically a man and a woman.

Yeah, true, it was a bit far, changed it

[USS Monitor]

Edited 27 times... Sorry to be negative, but I would give up if I were you. Even after all those edits, it still shows that English isn't your first language, and it still isn't a great narrative.

If you still want to write issues, I would suggest starting over with a different premise. If you have a great concept, you can get people to help you with the language, but this issue isn't worth the trouble.

[Evilcia]

Edited 27 times... Sorry to be negative, but I would give up if I were you. Even after all those edits, it still shows that English isn't your first language, and it still isn't a great narrative.

If you still want to write issues, I would suggest starting over with a different premise. If you have a great concept, you can get people to help you with the language, but this issue isn't worth the trouble.

English will never be my first language, but I don't want to give up.
I'm certain I can find a way to get a good narrative on this.

By the way, I Passed the first twenties edit on a different narrative (Incest cult), but now that idea is gone,

And I'm not finished, but I'm a bit out of ideas... right now.
the draft I had in mind was

option 1 : Reactionnary law to enact only religious marriage
option 2 : Stop the couple from entering the country and flee their own legislation, while their action would be legal in @@NAME@@
option 3 : Allowing immegration

but I want five options...

[Candlewhisper Archive]

A nice approach here, if you don't want to give up, is to find a willing co-author. There's precedent for it: a writer with great ideas but okay language skills teamed up with one who is less prolific but better at idiom and complex prose. Together, they managed something solid which passed the bar.

Find yourself a (non-editor) writer who is willing to share writing credit with you, and work together to make something that uses your ideas but which is written in a manner that a native English speaker would read as professional-looking.

[USS Monitor]

I see it's been edited again, but now I am confused by the description.

[Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf]

If you are willing to have a co-author, I would be honored to aide you. When the co-authoring thing was introduced, I think I liked that more than single writing because at the start you can get feedback and work progressively.

As for where the current draft is, you are going to have to do an overhaul. The framework is sloppy, but it can be saved. I don't know how at this moment, but with enough time it could be a well done draft.

[Evilcia]

No, i'm willing to have a co-author.

Well, I frequently forget to write some words in my sentance for some reasons. Maybe this is why the description is confusing.

[Evilcia]

Up.. did some changes

Maybe I'll find something at the end.

[Evilcia]

Been quite some time, but had no answer, anyone else willing to help ?

[Hansdeltania]

Rewrote the issue to be more grammatically correct and compliant to NS formatting. My edits are bold in blue for adding or editing and bold in red for removal with strikethroughs.

Name:

Brotherly Love and an International Problem

Description:

During a trip in @@NAME@@, children of the Maxtopian Royal Family @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ von Maxtop and her brother have announced their unending love and marriage, and have since refused to return to their homeland. Since then, Maxtopia has demanded that @@NAME@@ the extraction of their citizen, so they may judged as Incest is illegal in their country. extradite the royal children to stand trial in their homeland, as incest is a crime back home.

Validity:

Valid for nation with intra-family marriage legal

Options:

[option] "This can't be happening!" cries arch-conservative Bishop @@RANDOMMALENAME@@. "Incest is one of the most terrible sins you could commit against God's will, Not only will you corrupt yourselves, but you will also corrupt others. This is just a proof that you must give back marriage to the Church. If you refuse, THOU SHALT BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!"
[Effect] the government only recognizes religious marriage. (Polygamy outlawed, incest outlawed, same-sex marriage outlawed
[Stats] Religiousness increases, secularism decreases, civil rights decrease, political freedom increases

[option validity] Polygamy and homosexuality allowed (I don't think we can make certain options valid)
[option] "Talk about extremist," interrupts your Minister of Marriage and Eternal Happiness. "You know, the problem are is religions. Marriage is about happiness, not service to God. You marry someone, because you love that person. And there is many way to love another person are many ways to show love with another person. A man can feel love for another man. A man can also love for multiple women just as multiple men can feel love for a single woman. And just like that, it is possible—it must be possible— for a brother to love his sister, even if it is unusual. Marriage should be celebrated by my department only. Religion only exists to control people,; these bigots will never recognize people's happiness like my department!"
[Effect] churches have been reconverted into public museums (churches outlawed)
[Stats] Secularism increases, religiousness increases, inclusiveness increases, compassion increases

[option validity]
[option] "Talk about extremist". Interrupt your the minister of marriage and eternal happiness. "You know, the problem are religions. Marriage is about happiness, not service to god. You marry someone, because you love that person. And there is many way to love another person. Even if it is not legal, why a man can feel love for another man? why can't a man can feel love for multiple woman just as multiple men can feel love for a single women. And just like that, it is possible for a brother to love his sister, even if it is unusual. Marriage should be celebrate by my department only. Religion only exist to control people, these bigot will never recognize people happiness like my department"
[Effect] Churches have been reconverted into public museums (churches Outlawed, polygamy and homosexuality legalised)

[option] "There is no need to listen to such extremists.," claims @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a visitor from Maxtopia. "You know, incest may be legal in your country, but it is illegal in mine. And everything is fine like that, your citizens abide by your laws, and our citizens must abide by our laws,. That is the way things are meant to be. You are free to legalize it and we are free to ban it."
[Effect] The nation frequently extradice extradites foreigners for acts that aren't criminal for @@DENONYMPLURAL@@
[Stats] (If anybody can help me with this, that would be great.) Law enforcement increases, ...

[option] "Hey, Love.!" Say your Younger sister, who recently became your "lover" without your consent. chirps your younger sister, who, as of five minutes ago, is now your "lover", despite your protests. "Got a solution for us,: we let them in,. They could make a great addition to our family. We could as well celebrate our own marriage, while we are we're at it.!" As they concluded their argument by forcing a kiss on your lips. She concludes by attempting to kiss you on the lips.
[Effect] in @@NAME@@, incest is known as wincest.

[option Validity] Adultery is legalized
[option] "Sorry, excuse me, but..." interrupts Jiyo Kilyo, a recent immigrant from a very far nation, and is rumoured rumored to be a serial adulter, having with more ex-lovers then your staff combined. "But, here, we got rights, hey? Plenty of rights like adultery, that are hunted in others' lands. You got have to save us from these tomatoes... Heh, sorry, I forgot good word, sorry me."
[Effect] adulterers are invading the embassies of @@NAME@@.

[Hansdeltania]

So, if anybody can help me and Evilcia with stats, that would be great.