[Submitted] Super Smashed Visa Melee

by **Dotangina** » Thu Jul 14, 2016 8:30 pm

Inspiration from:

Leffen denied US VISA

4th Draft

Title:

Super Smashed Visa Melee

Description:

Righfen, a professional gamer, was recently denied a visa to @@NAME@@ for playing a Smash Sisters tournament without proper work permits on his last visit. Citizens have been teleconferencing you on whether he should be allowed entry into the country and how to classify people in his industry.

Validity:

Not valid for nations that don't allow immigration, travel to their nation, non-citizens to work in their country, and banned video games.

Options:

[option]"Like other forms of entertainment, allowing Righfen to apply for and get an Entertainment, Performance and Athletics Visa so he can play in Smash Sisters tournaments would be the ideal situation for professionals like him," says Hayward Gordon, a hoopball player and part-owner of the Good Dummies eSports team while streaming himself playing UnderSeen. "If those ZPY48 and Boys' Generation groups can get these visas to perform their macho dances for our youth, why can't the likes of him and that Realer guy who plays League of Newearth get one too?"
[effect] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ watch as production value increases in local eSport events
[stats] Civil Rights slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Health slight decrease, Inclusiveness increase, Industry: Beverage Sales increase, Industry: Gambling slight increase, Industry: Information Technology increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery increase, Influence slight Increase, Intelligence slight increase, Obesity increase, Primitiveness decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Recreational Drug Use slight increase, Rudeness Increase, Safety increase, Tourism slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Righfen violated the law by getting paid for playing in a competitive challenge, and by not getting a work permit the event organizers who set up the 'Beat Righfen with your Joystick' donation incentive on TicTV did so as well," Reich Herman, your Minister for Labor fumes in your weekly cabinet conference. "They also circumvented our visa rules by using a tourist visa waiver to get quick entry instead of applying for a work visa." adds your Minister of State Adeleine Allright stamps REJECTED on a stack of worker visa applications. "If people want to show off their skills here, they better have their papers right. We should ban Righfen from any visa applications for three years, and reject all applications for work permits from events like this."
[effect] transfers to the @@NAME@@ Racket League Championship Series take half a year while sporting visas are stuck in bureaucratic limbo.
[stats] Black market slight increase, Civil Rights slight decrease, Compliance Increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size increase, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight decrease, Safety slight increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"People like Righfen are the reason why @@NAME@@ is a complete mess. Immigrants, I mean guest players like him take away prize money from our local talent and leave people out of work! Promote local talent and make @@NAME@@ good again in entertainment," rails Koch Adelson, outspoken casino magnate and fierce protectionist. "Let's remove all work visas because only citizens should be allowed to work in our country. While we're at it, let's build a fence around Maxtopia, and make them pay for it!"
[effect] @@NAME@@'s sports leagues are gutted as immigrants and imports leave in droves to Maxtopia.
[stats] Economic Output decrease, Government Size slight decrease, Inclusiveness decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Information Technology slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Rudeness slight increase, Safety slight decrease, Sector: Agriculture decrease, Tourism slight decrease, Weaponization slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Screw those brats swearing at their computers, wrecking their eyesight and not listening their elders," muttered @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Ledesma after nearly getting knocked over by a couple of people wearing RoboCardboard goggles playing Giant Sister Super Smash. "Kids shouldn't be allowed to get visas for playing games, or be used as sources of entertainment for that matter. Ban minors from being granted visas for entertainment purposes, and ban this damn Smash Sisters thing while we're at it."
[effect] pop Idols like Justine Berbie are forced to cancel concerts in @@NAME@@
[stats] Civil Rights slight decrease, Economic Output slight decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales slight decrease, Industry: Information Technology decrease, Influence slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Social Conservatism increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Sure, Righfen might have violated the law, but we have an enormous opportunity here," interjects FireToad, lead developer of Smite Defense and government contractor, while coding for the UGP Headset. "Why don't we let him off the hook, and in return, he can train our drone pilots on our new VR platforms? In fact, let's start a program to prepare our citizens for the rigors of combat and get people like Righfen to endorse it. We'll have so many players piloting robotic infantry that we won't need conscription anymore."
[effect] @@NAME@@'s children play Call of Honor in VR arenas, blissfully unaware they are putting down regional insurrections.
[stats] Defense Forces slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size slight increase, Health slight increase, Industry: Arms Manufacturing increase, Industry: Beverage Sales slight increase, Industry: Information Technology slight increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight increase, Influence slight increase, Obesity slight decrease, Pacifism decrease, Primitiveness decrease, Youth Rebelliousness slight decrease

by **Trotterdam** » Thu Jul 14, 2016 8:50 pm

You're using rather a lot of bureaucratic terminology in the first two options. While some deliberate bureaucratese to highlight how convoluted the procedure is is okay, you're missing out on explaining the important point in comprehensible English: why was this person denied a visa?

Does participating in a tournament even count as "work"?

Dotangina wrote:Righfen, a professional gamer was recently denied a visa

Add a comma after "gamer".

Dotangina wrote:Not valid for nations that don't allow immigration, travel to their nation or non-citizens to work in their country

Also not valid for nations that banned video games.

Dotangina wrote:says Hayward Gordon, a hoopball player and part-owner of the Good Dummies eSports team while playing UnderSeen.

Put a comma after "team".

However, "hoopball" sounds like a physical sport, so I'm confused why this player is so into eSports.

Dotangina wrote:Lillarhy Tinclon

Dotangina wrote:Roland Flushes

No comment, I'm just recording these for posterity.

Dotangina wrote:says @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Ledesma, as they nearly get knocked over

Do not use "they" as singular.

Also, this option is missing a closing quote.

by **Dotangina** » Thu Jul 14, 2016 9:44 pm

Trotterdam wrote:You're using rather a lot of bureaucratic terminology in the first two options. While some deliberate bureaucratese to highlight how convoluted the procedure is is okay, you're missing out on explaining the important point in comprehensible English: why was this person denied a visa?

Changes made to Option 2 to make it more comprehensible why the denial happened. Option 1 also clarified to add further detail on the proposal.

Trotterdam wrote:Does participating in a tournament even count as "work"?

Yes, other professional gamers have had issues with getting visas to the United States for single tournaments. Linked example got denied four times before he could get a visa. Another team also had similar issues. Some companies have had to resort to full-time employment to get a different visa classification approved for those going to the US for multiple tournaments or staying for a full season of games.

Trotterdam wrote:
Dotangina wrote:Righfen, a professional gamer was recently denied a visa
Add a comma after "gamer".

Added

Trotterdam wrote:
Dotangina wrote:Not valid for nations that don't allow immigration, travel to their nation or non-citizens to work in their country
Also not valid for nations that banned video games.

Added

Trotterdam wrote:
Dotangina wrote:says Hayward Gordon, a hoopball player and part-owner of the Good Dummies eSports team while playing UnderSeen.
Put a comma after "team".

However, "hoopball" sounds like a physical sport, so I'm confused why this player is so into eSports.

I combined two stories here:
Gordon Hayward is an NBA player who plays League of Legends, an eSports title. Rick Fox, a former NBA player, invested in an eSports team just a few months ago.

Trotterdam wrote:
Dotangina wrote:Lillarhy Tinclon
Dotangina wrote:Roland Flushes
No comment, I'm just recording these for posterity.

Names changed to further date this. :rofl:

Trotterdam wrote:
Dotangina wrote:says @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Ledesma, as they nearly get knocked over
Do not use "they" as singular.

Also, this option is missing a closing quote.

Rephrased and quote added.

by **Hansdeltania** » Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:11 pm

[quote="Dotangina";p="29334646"]Inspiration from:

Leffen denied US VISA

2nd Draft

Title:

Super Smashed Visa Melee

Description:

Righfen, a professional gamer, was recently denied a visa to @@NAME@@ for playing a Smash Sisters tournament without proper work permits on his last visit. Citizens are now divided on whether he should be allowed entry into the country and how to classify people in his industry.

Validity:

Not valid for nations that don't allow immigration, travel to their nation, non-citizens to work in their country, and banned video games.

Options:

[option]"Like other forms of entertainment, allowing Righfen to apply for and get an E3 Visa so he can play in Smash Sisters tournaments would be the ideal situation for professionals like him," says Hayward Gordon, a hoopball player and part-owner of the Good Dummies eSports team while playing UnderSeen. "If those ZPY48 and Boys' Generation groups can get these Entertainment, Performance and Athletics visas to perform their macho dances for our youth, why can't the likes of him and that Realer guy who plays League of Newearth also get one too?"
[effect] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ watch as production value increases in local eSport events
[stats] Civil Rights slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Health slight decrease, Inclusiveness increase, Industry: Beverage Sales increase, Industry: Gambling slight increase, Industry: Information Technology increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery increase, Influence slight Increase, Intelligence slight increase, Obesity increase, Primitiveness decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Recreational Drug Use slight increase, Rudeness Increase, Safety increase, Tourism slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Righfen violated the law by getting paid for playing in a challenge, and so did OVE when they set up that "Beat Righfen with your Joystick" donation incentive on TicTV a few months ago without getting a work permit.", Reich Herman, your Minister for Labor fumes. "They also circumvented our visa rules by using a tourist visa waiver to get quick entry instead of applying for a work visa." adds your Minister of State Adeleine Allright stamps REJECTED on a stack B1-H visas. "If people want to show off their skills here, they better have their papers right. We should ban Righfen from any applications for three years, and fine OVE for attempting that stunt without getting government clearance."
[effect] Transfers to the @@NAME@@ Racket League Championship Series take half a year while O1 visas are stuck in bureaucratic limbo.
[stats] Black market slight increase, Civil Rights slight decrease, Compliance Increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size increase, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight decrease, Safety slight increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"People like Righfen are the reason why @@NAME@@ is a complete mess. Immigrants, I mean guest players like him take away prize money from our local talent and leave people out of work! Promote local talent and make @@NAME@@ good again in entertainment[color=#FF000]." rails[/color] Koch Adelson, outspoken casino magnate and fierce protectionist. "Let's remove all work visas because only citizens should be allowed to work in our country. While we're at it, let's build a fence around Maxtopia, and make them pay for it!"
[effect] @@NAME@@'s sports leagues are gutted as immigrants and imports leave in droves to Maxtopia.
[stats] Economic Output decrease, Government Size slight decrease, Inclusiveness decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Gambling increase, Industry: Information Technology slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Rudeness slight increase, Safety slight decrease, Sector: Agriculture decrease, Tourism slight decrease, Weaponization slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Screw those brats swearing at their computers, wrecking their eyesight and not following their elders[color=#FF000]." says [/color]@@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Ledesma, as they nearly get knocked over by a couple of people wearing RoboCardboard goggles playing Giant Sister Super Smash. "Kids shouldn't be allowed to get visas for playing games, or be used as sources of entertainment for that matter. Ban anyone not an adult from being granted visas for entertainment purposes, and ban this damn Smash Sisters thing while we're at it."
[effect] Pop Idols like Justine Berbie are forced to cancel concerts in @@NAME@@
[stats] Civil Rights slight decrease, Economic Output slight decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales slight decrease, Industry: Information Technology decrease, Influence slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Social Conservatism increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Sure, Righfen might have violated the law, but we have an enormous opportunity here." says FireToad, lead developer of Smite Defense and government contractor. "Why don't we let him off the hook, and in return, he can train our drone pilots on our new VR platforms. In fact, let's start a program to prepare our citizens for the rigors of combat and get people like Righfen to endorse it."
[effect] @@NAME@@'s children play Call of Honor in VR arenas, blissfully unaware they are putting down regional insurrections.
[stats] Defense Forces slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size slight increase, Health slight increase, Industry: Arms Manufacturing increase, Industry: Beverage Sales slight increase, Industry: Information Technology slight increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight increase, Influence slight increase, Obesity slight decrease, Pacifism decrease, Primitiveness decrease, Youth Rebelliousness slight decrease

I'm seeing a lot of incorrect usage of commas and periods with quotation marks. I've highlighted them. In addition to that, when ever a quotation has a title that is always written in quotes, the title/quote in quote uses a different form.

For example:
"My favorite poem is 'The Charge of the Light Brigade.' Of course, I like 'Naprej zastava slave,' too."

by **Dotangina** » Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:47 pm

Hansdeltania wrote:
Dotangina wrote:Inspiration from:

Leffen denied US VISA

2nd Draft

Title:

Super Smashed Visa Melee

Description:

Righfen, a professional gamer, was recently denied a visa to @@NAME@@ for playing a Smash Sisters tournament without proper work permits on his last visit. Citizens are now divided on whether he should be allowed entry into the country and how to classify people in his industry.

Validity:

Not valid for nations that don't allow immigration, travel to their nation, non-citizens to work in their country, and banned video games.

Options:

[option]"Like other forms of entertainment, allowing Righfen to apply for and get an E3 Visa so he can play in Smash Sisters tournaments would be the ideal situation for professionals like him," says Hayward Gordon, a hoopball player and part-owner of the Good Dummies eSports team while playing UnderSeen. "If those ZPY48 and Boys' Generation groups can get these Entertainment, Performance and Athletics visas to perform their macho dances for our youth, why can't the likes of him and that Realer guy who plays League of Newearth also get one too?"
[effect] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ watch as production value increases in local eSport events
[stats] Civil Rights slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Health slight decrease, Inclusiveness increase, Industry: Beverage Sales increase, Industry: Gambling slight increase, Industry: Information Technology increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery increase, Influence slight Increase, Intelligence slight increase, Obesity increase, Primitiveness decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Recreational Drug Use slight increase, Rudeness Increase, Safety increase, Tourism slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Righfen violated the law by getting paid for playing in a challenge, and so did OVE when they set up that "Beat Righfen with your Joystick" donation incentive on TicTV a few months ago without getting a work permit.", Reich Herman, your Minister for Labor fumes. "They also circumvented our visa rules by using a tourist visa waiver to get quick entry instead of applying for a work visa." adds your Minister of State Adeleine Allright stamps REJECTED on a stack B1-H visas. "If people want to show off their skills here, they better have their papers right. We should ban Righfen from any applications for three years, and fine OVE for attempting that stunt without getting government clearance."
[effect] Transfers to the @@NAME@@ Racket League Championship Series take half a year while O1 visas are stuck in bureaucratic limbo.
[stats] Black market slight increase, Civil Rights slight decrease, Compliance Increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size increase, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight decrease, Safety slight increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"People like Righfen are the reason why @@NAME@@ is a complete mess. Immigrants, I mean guest players like him take away prize money from our local talent and leave people out of work! Promote local talent and make @@NAME@@ good again in entertainment." rails Koch Adelson, outspoken casino magnate and fierce protectionist. "Let's remove all work visas because only citizens should be allowed to work in our country. While we're at it, let's build a fence around Maxtopia, and make them pay for it!"
[effect] @@NAME@@'s sports leagues are gutted as immigrants and imports leave in droves to Maxtopia.
[stats] Economic Output decrease, Government Size slight decrease, Inclusiveness decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Gambling increase, Industry: Information Technology slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Rudeness slight increase, Safety slight decrease, Sector: Agriculture decrease, Tourism slight decrease, Weaponization slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Screw those brats swearing at their computers, wrecking their eyesight and not following their elders." says @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Ledesma, as they nearly get knocked over by a couple of people wearing RoboCardboard goggles playing Giant Sister Super Smash. "Kids shouldn't be allowed to get visas for playing games, or be used as sources of entertainment for that matter. Ban anyone not an adult from being granted visas for entertainment purposes, and ban this damn Smash Sisters thing while we're at it."
[effect] Pop Idols like Justine Berbie are forced to cancel concerts in @@NAME@@
[stats] Civil Rights slight decrease, Economic Output slight decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales slight decrease, Industry: Information Technology decrease, Influence slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Social Conservatism increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Sure, Righfen might have violated the law, but we have an enormous opportunity here." says FireToad, lead developer of Smite Defense and government contractor. "Why don't we let him off the hook, and in return, he can train our drone pilots on our new VR platforms. In fact, let's start a program to prepare our citizens for the rigors of combat and get people like Righfen to endorse it."
[effect] @@NAME@@'s children play Call of Honor in VR arenas, blissfully unaware they are putting down regional insurrections.
[stats] Defense Forces slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size slight increase, Health slight increase, Industry: Arms Manufacturing increase, Industry: Beverage Sales slight increase, Industry: Information Technology slight increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight increase, Influence slight increase, Obesity slight decrease, Pacifism decrease, Primitiveness decrease, Youth Rebelliousness slight decrease

(Image)

I'm seeing a lot of incorrect usage of commas and periods with quotation marks. I've highlighted them. In addition to that, when ever a quotation has a title that is always written in quotes, the title/quote in quote uses a different form.

For example:
"My favorite poem is 'The Charge of the Light Brigade.' Of course, I like 'Naprej zastava slave,' too."

Relevant sections fixed of grammar issues.

by **Dotangina** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:55 pm

Any further comments? This will be submitted after 48 hours if I don't get any further comments on suitability.

by **Hansdeltania** » Sat Jul 16, 2016 1:29 am

Dotangina wrote:Any further comments? This will be submitted after 48 hours if I don't get any further comments on suitability.

The effects sentences must be written in the lower case, as they are sentence fragments that go after the "Following new legislation in

Russia...". It makes absolutely no sense for there to be a randomly capitalized word that is not a proper noun.

by **Katalaysia** » Sat Jul 16, 2016 6:03 am

Dotangina wrote:Inspiration from:

Leffen denied US VISA

2nd Draft

Title:

Super Smashed Visa Melee

Description:

Righfen, a professional gamer, was recently denied a visa to @@NAME@@ for playing a Smash Sisters tournament without proper work permits on his last visit. Citizens are now divided on whether he should be allowed entry into the country and how to classify people in his industry. How does your leader know about this? Is it on the news, are people clamouring outside your door for something to be done? Are you just getting angry emails?

Validity:

Not valid for nations that don't allow immigration, travel to their nation, non-citizens to work in their country, and banned video games.

Options:

[option]"Like other forms of entertainment, allowing Righfen to apply for and get an E3 Visa so he can play in Smash Sisters tournaments would be the ideal situation for professionals like him," says Hayward Gordon, a hoopball player and part-owner of the Good Dummies eSports team as he glances up up from his game of Underseen (this is just my preferred wording). "If those ZPY48 and Boys' Generation groups can get these Entertainment, Performance and Athletics visas to perform their macho dances for our youth, why can't the likes of him and that Realer guy who plays League of Newearth ~~also~~ get one too?"
[effect] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ watch as production value increases in local eSport events
[stats] Civil Rights slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Health slight decrease, Inclusiveness increase, Industry: Beverage Sales increase, Industry: Gambling slight increase, Industry: Information Technology increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery increase, Influence slight Increase, Intelligence slight increase, Obesity increase, Primitiveness decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Recreational Drug Use slight increase, Rudeness Increase, Safety increase, Tourism slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Righfen violated the law by getting paid for playing in a challenge, and so did OVE when they set up that 'Beat Righfen with your Joystick' donation incentive on TicTV a few months ago without getting a work permit," Reich Herman, your Minister for Labor fumes. "They also circumvented our visa rules by using a tourist visa waiver to get quick entry instead of applying for a work visa." adds your Minister of State Adeleine Allright Normally only one person speaks per option. It'd be better to pick one. as he stamps REJECTED on a stack B1-H visas. "If people want to show off their skills here, they better have their papers right. We should ban Righfen from any applications for three years, and fine OVE for attempting that stunt without getting government clearance."
[effect] Transfers to the @@NAME@@ Racket League Championship Series take half a year while O1 visas are stuck in bureaucratic limbo.
[stats] Black market slight increase, Civil Rights slight decrease, Compliance Increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size increase, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight decrease, Safety slight increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"People like Righfen are the reason why @@NAME@@ is a complete mess. Immigrants, I mean guest players like him take away prize money from our local talent and leave people out of work! Promote local talent and make @@NAME@@ good again in entertainment," rails Koch Adelson, outspoken casino magnate and fierce protectionist. "Let's remove all work visas because only citizens should be allowed to work in our country. While we're at it, let's build a fence around Maxtopia, and make them pay for it!"Slightly off topic for the issue, maybe change it to something more related to work visas or video games.
[effect] @@NAME@@'s sports leagues are gutted as immigrants and imports leave in droves to Maxtopia.
[stats] Economic Output decrease, Government Size slight decrease, Inclusiveness decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Gambling increase, Industry: Information Technology slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Rudeness slight increase, Safety slight decrease, Sector: Agriculture decrease, Tourism slight decrease, Weaponization slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Screw those brats swearing at their computers, wrecking their eyesight and not listening to their elders," muttered @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Ledesma after nearly getting knocked over by a couple of people wearing RoboCardboard goggles playing Giant Sister Super Smash. "Kids shouldn't be allowed to get visas for playing games, or be used as sources of entertainment at all for that matter. Ban anyone not an adult from being granted visas for entertainment purposes, and ban this damn Smash Sisters thing while we're at it."
[effect] Pop Idols like Justine Berbie are forced to cancel concerts in @@NAME@@
[stats] Civil Rights slight decrease, Economic Output slight decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales slight decrease, Industry: Information Technology decrease, Influence slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Social Conservatism increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Sure, Righfen might have violated the law, but we have an enormous opportunity here," interjects FireToad, lead developer of Smite Defense and government contractor, while coding for the UGP Headset. "Why don't we let him off the hook, and in return, he can train our drone pilots on our new VR platforms? In fact, let's start a program to prepare our children for the rigors of combat and get people like Righfen to endorse it. After all, they might as well be doing something useful while playing those games."
[effect] @@NAME@@'s children play Call of Honor in VR arenas, blissfully unaware they are putting down regional insurrections.
[stats] Defense Forces slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size slight increase, Health slight increase, Industry: Arms Manufacturing increase, Industry: Beverage Sales slight increase, Industry: Information Technology slight increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight increase, Influence slight increase, Obesity slight decrease, Pacifism decrease, Primitiveness decrease, Youth Rebelliousness slight decrease

Edit: Comments? Does this look like something that would fit well given the uniqueness of the situation?

by **Dotangina** » Sat Jul 16, 2016 5:33 pm

Hansdeltania wrote:
Dotangina wrote:Any further comments? This will be submitted after 48 hours if I don't get any further comments on suitability.

The effects sentences must be written in the lower case, as they are sentence fragments that go after the "Following new legislation in Russia...". It makes absolutely no sense for there to be a randomly capitalized word that is not a proper noun.

Changed on relevant effects.

Katalaysia wrote:
Dotangina wrote:How does your leader know about this? Is it on the news, are people clamouring outside your door for something to be done? Are you just getting angry emails?

Changed a bit to show how contact is made.

as he glances up up from his game of Underseen (this is just my preferred wording).

Added detail

Normally only one person speaks per option. It'd be better to pick one. as he

The complication of the issue (it's one of labor AND immigration laws), along with the addition of detail on their setting makes it appropriate for two people to highlight which of the laws under their purview were violated.

[option]"People like Righfen are the reason why @@NAME@@ is a complete mess. Immigrants, I mean guest players like him take away prize money from our local talent and leave people out of work! Promote local talent and make @@NAME@@ good again in entertainment," rails Koch Adelson, outspoken casino magnate and fierce protectionist. "Let's remove all work visas because only citizens should be allowed to work in our country. While we're at it, let's build a fence around Maxtopia, and make them pay for it!"Slightly off topic for the issue, maybe change it to something more related to work visas or video games.

It's deliberately constructed to be reactionary.

[option]"Screw those brats swearing at their computers, wrecking their eyesight and not listening to their elders," muttered @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Ledesma after nearly getting knocked over by a couple of people wearing RoboCardboard goggles playing Giant Sister Super Smash. "Kids shouldn't be allowed to get visas for playing games, or be used as sources of entertainment at all for that matter.

Changed the first, the second is redundant.

... on our new VR platforms? In fact, let's start a program to prepare our children for the rigors of combat and get people like Righfen to endorse it. After all, they might as well be doing something useful while playing those games."

Changed to question mark, citizens not children because it's not just young kids that will be given exposure. Added a different line to further emphasize the latter point.

by **Australian rePublic** » Sun Jul 17, 2016 1:33 am

Don't submit yet!

by **Australian rePublic** » Sun Jul 17, 2016 1:39 am

Title:

Super Smashed Visa Melee

Description:

Righfen, a professional gamer, was recently denied a visa to @@NAME@@ for playing a Smash Sisters What's a Smash Sisters? tournament without proper work permits on his last visit. Citizens have been teleconferencing you on whether he should be allowed entry into the country and how to classify people in his industry.

Validity:

Not valid for nations that don't allow immigration, travel to their nation, non-citizens to work in their country, and banned video games.

Options:

[option]"Like other forms of entertainment, allowing Righfen to apply for and get an E3 Visa-No no no no. Every nation has a different name for their different types of visas. Explain the visa, don't name itso he can play in Smash Sisters tournaments would be the ideal situation for professionals like him," says Hayward Gordon, a hoopball player and part-owner of the Good Dummies eSports team while streaming himself playing UnderSeen. "If those ZPY48 and Boys' Generation groups can get these Entertainment, Performance and Athletics visas to perform their macho dances for our youth, why can't the likes of him and that Realer guy who plays League of Newearth get one too?"
[effect] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ watch as production value increases in local eSport events
[stats] Civil Rights slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Health slight decrease, Inclusiveness increase, Industry: Beverage Sales increase, Industry: Gambling slight increase, Industry: Information Technology increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery increase, Influence slight Increase, Intelligence slight increase, Obesity increase, Primitiveness decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Recreational Drug Use slight increase, Rudeness Increase, Safety increase, Tourism slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Righfen violated the law by getting paid for playing in a challenge, and so did OVEWhat's an OVE?when they set up that 'Beat Righfen with your Joystick' donation incentive on TicTV a few months ago without getting a work permit," Reich Herman, your Minister for Labor fumes in your weekly cabinet conference. "They also circumvented our visa rules by using a tourist visa waiver to get quick entry instead of applying for a work visa." adds your Minister of State Adeleine Allright stamps REJECTED on a stack B1-H visas. "If people want to show off their skills here, they better have their papers right. We should ban Righfen from any applications for three years, and fine OVE for attempting that stunt without getting government clearance."
[effect] transfers to the @@NAME@@ Racket League Championship Series take half a year while ~~O1 visas~~ Don't name visas are stuck in bureaucratic limbo.
[stats] Black market slight increase, Civil Rights slight decrease, Compliance Increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size increase, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight decrease, Safety slight increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"People like Righfen are the reason why @@NAME@@ is a complete mess. Immigrants, I mean guest players like him take away prize money from our local talent and leave people out of work! Promote local talent and make @@NAME@@ good again in entertainment," rails Koch Adelson, outspoken casino magnate and fierce protectionist. "Let's remove all work visas because only citizens should be allowed to work in our country. While we're at it, let's build a fence around Maxtopia, and make them pay for it!"
[effect] @@NAME@@'s sports leagues are gutted as immigrants and imports leave in droves to Maxtopia.
[stats] Economic Output decrease, Government Size slight decrease, Inclusiveness decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales decrease, Industry: Gambling increase, Industry: Information Technology slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Rudeness slight increase, Safety slight decrease, Sector: Agriculture decrease, Tourism slight decrease, Weaponization slight increase, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Screw those brats swearing at their computers, wrecking their eyesight and not listening their elders," muttered @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Ledesma after nearly getting knocked over by a couple of people wearing RoboCardboard goggles playing Giant Sister Super Smash. "Kids shouldn't be allowed to get visas for playing games, or be used as sources of entertainment for that matter. Ban anyone not an adult from being granted visas for entertainment purposes, and ban this damn Smash Sisters thing while we're at it."
[effect] pop Idols like Justine Berbie-Don't use a real name are forced to cancel concerts in @@NAME@@
[stats] Civil Rights slight decrease, Economic Output slight decrease, Industry: Beverage Sales slight decrease, Industry: Information Technology decrease, Influence slight decrease, Intelligence slight decrease, Public Education slight decrease, Social Conservatism increase, Tourism slight decrease, Youth Rebelliousness increase

[option]"Sure, Righfen might have violated the law, but we have an enormous opportunity here," interjects FireToad, lead developer of Smite Defense and government contractor, while coding for the UGP Headset. "Why don't we let him off the hook, and in return, he can train our drone pilots on our new VR platforms? In fact, let's start a program to prepare our citizens for the rigors of combat and get people like Righfen to endorse it. We'll have so many players piloting robotic infantry that we won't need conscription anymore."
[effect] @@NAME@@'s children play Call of Honor in VR arenas-A What?, blissfully unaware they are putting down regional insurrections.
[stats] Defense Forces slight increase, Economic Output slight increase, Government Size slight increase, Health slight increase, Industry: Arms Manufacturing increase, Industry: Beverage Sales slight increase, Industry: Information Technology slight increase, Industry: Pizza Delivery slight increase, Influence slight increase, Obesity slight decrease, Pacifism decrease, Primitiveness decrease, Youth Rebelliousness slight decrease

Too much jargon

by **Dotangina** » Sun Jul 17, 2016 9:16 am

Australian Republic wrote:
Righfen, a professional gamer, was recently denied a visa to @@NAME@@ for playing a Smash Sisters What's a Smash Sisters? tournament without proper work permits on his last visit. Citizens have been teleconferencing you on whether he should be allowed entry into the country and how to classify people in his industry.

It's like #485, a changed name for something there's a parallel of in real life; added eSport to make it explicit what it is.

E3 Visa-No no no no. Every nation has a different name for their different types of visas. Explain the visa, don't name it

Good point, all further references to visa types have been removed and genericized.

[option]"Righfen violated the law by getting paid for playing in a challenge, and so did OVEWhat's an OVE?when they set up that 'Beat Righfen with your Joystick' donation incentive on TicTV a few months ago without getting a work permit," Reich Herman, your Minister for Labor fumes in your weekly cabinet conference. "They also circumvented our visa rules by using a tourist visa waiver to get quick entry instead of applying for a work visa." adds your Minister of State Adeleine Allright stamps REJECTED on a stack B1-H visas. "If people want to show off their skills here, they better have their papers right. We should ban Righfen from any applications for three years, and fine OVE for attempting that stunt without getting government clearance."

Slightly changed to provide context that OVE is an event.

[effect] transfers to the @@NAME@@ Racket League Championship Series take half a year while ~~O1 visas~~ Don't name visas are stuck in bureaucratic limbo.

As per visa type note above.

[effect] @@NAME@@'s children play Call of Honor in VR arenas-A What?, blissfully unaware they are putting down regional insurrections.

VR is an initialism that's been around for a long time. I don't think people would be confused at this concept in an arena format.

Too much jargon

The visas are really the only part that may be considered jargon-heavy.

by **Dotangina** » Mon Jul 18, 2016 4:54 pm

One more bump.

by **Australian rePublic** » Tue Jul 19, 2016 6:41 am

What's Smash Sisters?

by **Dotangina** » Tue Jul 19, 2016 9:20 am

Australian Republic wrote:What's Smash Sisters?

The NS version of Smash Brothers.

I guess you didn't read the link at the very top and thus have zero context.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Wed Jul 20, 2016 3:33 am

Aussie Republic makes valid criticisms which should be addressed. Your link won't be visible when players receive the issue, so you need to establish the context within your writing.

by **Dotangina** » Wed Jul 20, 2016 6:08 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Aussie Republic makes valid criticisms which should be addressed. Your link won't be visible when players receive the issue, so you need to establish the context within your writing.

Responding to his concerns, the current draft asking for a description of Smash Sisters already uses language used in the presentation of Issue #485, which does not delve into the nature of said game except for the fact that it is an eSport.

As for OVE and VR, they add flavor to the issue. The former serves as a nod to EVO as a fighting game tournament and gives this issue a natural path from the approval of choice 2 and 3 in #188 (which approves of violent video games). The latter opens up possibilities for issues involving virtual and augmented realities, as no issue currently exists which deals in it even as it opens potential civil and political rights questions.

Also, all visa references have been genericized, mitigating the rest of the jargon concerns raised in his post.

by **Australian rePublic** » Wed Jul 20, 2016 6:51 am

I don't know what Smadh Brothers is either? Somebody else who doesn't know what Smash Brother, I shutter to think what results will eventuate when somebody Googles "Smash Sisters".

by **Dotangina** » Wed Jul 20, 2016 7:37 pm

Australian Republic wrote:I don't know what Smadh Brothers is either? Somebody else who doesn't know what Smash Brother, I shutter to think what results will eventuate when somebody Googles "Smash Sisters".

I just googled that exact term (using no country redirect, fresh incognito browser) and it returns the following for the top 5 links:

Mashable Article about a group of female players playing Smash Brothers (the original game of reference)
A Twitter account of the same group
A fighting game community website's article about said group's presence at a tournament last January.
A blog post recap of aforementioned January event
A YouTube video from the event.

Contrasting that with "Maxemon", those searches yield Facebook profile search results, a profile of someone from MIT, and a video of Clash of Clans in French. Users searching for Smash Sisters will have the idea of the Smash Brothers reference as it's on the link description of the Mashable article, and will not see questionable content.

by **Trotterdam** » Wed Jul 20, 2016 11:06 pm

I really don't see the issue. Anyone who doesn't live under a rock should be able to figure out that a phrase consisting of several words in all-caps is the title of some kind of work, and given the context it's easy to understand that the work in question must be a video game that's played as an eSport. If anything, even specifying it as "Smash Sisters eSport" is redundant and can come over as insulting the reader's intelligence.

Being unfamiliar with the real-life Smash Brothers might lead to ignorance on what kind of gameplay this particular eSport has, but that detail is completely irrelevant to the issue.

The main point of the issue is how VISAs work, what the difference between work and tourist VISAs is, and which of those a (e-or-not) sport tournament with prize money should count as. If anything, these are the aspects that could use more clarification.

On a more relevant note:

Dotangina wrote:[option]"People like Righfen are the reason why @@NAME@@ is a complete mess. Immigrants, I mean guest players like him take away prize money from our local talent and leave people out of work! Promote local talent and make @@NAME@@ good again in entertainment," rails Koch Adelson, outspoken casino magnate and fierce protectionist. "Let's remove all work visas because only citizens should be allowed to work in our country. While we're at it, let's build a fence around Maxtopia, and make them pay for it!"
[effect] @@NAME@@'s sports leagues are gutted as immigrants and imports leave in droves to Maxtopia.

You kept Donald Trump's catchphrase despite changing the speaker's name. Also, it is unlikely that Maxtopia shares a land border with the player nation, the way Mexico does with the US.

Dotangina wrote:"Kids shouldn't be allowed to get visas for playing games, or be used as sources of entertainment for that matter. Ban anyone not an adult from being granted visas for entertainment purposes, and ban this damn Smash Sisters thing while we're at it."

Hmm. Banning kids from participating in eSports tournaments (while still allowing adults to) and banning eSports (or just one particular eSport for some reason?) are two different things, and probably don't belong in one option.

Also, how old was Righfen, anyway? Nowhere in the issue mentioned it, so it's weird to have someone suddenly complaining about kids specifically. I would expect someone participating in a professional tournament to be an adult (or at least a teenager).

by **Dotangina** » Thu Jul 21, 2016 8:43 pm

Trotterdam wrote:I really don't see the issue. Anyone who doesn't live under a rock should be able to figure out that a phrase consisting of several words in all-caps is the title of some kind of work, and given the context it's easy to understand that the work in question must be a video game that's played as an eSport. If anything, even specifying it as "Smash Sisters eSport" is redundant and can come over as insulting the reader's intelligence.

Being unfamiliar with the real-life Smash Brothers might lead to ignorance on what kind of gameplay this particular eSport has, but that detail is completely irrelevant to the issue.

The main point of the issue is how VISAs work, what the difference between work and tourist VISAs is, and which of those a (e-or-not) sport tournament with prize money should count as. If anything, these are the aspects that could use more clarification.

On a more relevant note:
Dotangina wrote:[option]"People like Righfen are the reason why @@NAME@@ is a complete mess. Immigrants, I mean guest players like him take away prize money from our local talent and leave people out of work! Promote local talent and make @@NAME@@ good again in entertainment," rails Koch Adelson, outspoken casino magnate and fierce protectionist. "Let's remove all work visas because only citizens should be allowed to work in our country. While we're at it, let's build a fence around Maxtopia, and make them pay for it!"
[effect] @@NAME@@'s sports leagues are gutted as immigrants and imports leave in droves to Maxtopia.
You kept Donald Trump's catchphrase despite changing the speaker's name. Also, it is unlikely that Maxtopia shares a land border with the player nation, the way Mexico does with the US.

Dotangina wrote:"Kids shouldn't be allowed to get visas for playing games, or be used as sources of entertainment for that matter. Ban anyone not an adult from being granted visas for entertainment purposes, and ban this damn Smash Sisters thing while we're at it."
Hmm. Banning kids from participating in eSports tournaments (while still allowing adults to) and banning eSports (or just one particular eSport for some reason?) are two different things, and probably don't belong in one option.

Also, how old was Righfen, anyway? Nowhere in the issue mentioned it, so it's weird to have someone suddenly complaining about kids specifically. I would expect someone participating in a professional tournament to be an adult (or at least a teenager).

I did retain the Trumpian lines. It's too appropriate to a hard-line stance against immigration. To add to that, the Maxtopia wall reference is flexible in interpretation, given how seemingly extreme the stances outlined are.

As for the kids, the vision there is of an older "Get off my lawn" kind of person, who has a mental image that it is younger kids not of majority who go around and play games. The confusion there is intended from someone who is not be educated about who plays games professionally.

Now that you've asked, Righfen's 21, so he's actually at the age where IRL the most scrutiny towards a visa applicant is given. At the same time though, this issue can highlight that there are professionals who are minors (IRL one of the winners of the largest eSports tournament ever was a 16 year old Pakistani immigrant; and some Starcraft professionals started their playing career at 13-15 years of age).

by **Dotangina** » Sun Jul 24, 2016 1:38 am

Another bump, will be submitted soon if no further glaring issues arise.

by **Dotangina** » Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:40 pm

I've modified the wording of some of the options, and thought of an additional corporate-oriented option which would read like this, positioned right before the final military option.

[option] "Righfen's an adult and his performance over the last few months have increased sales of all our titles by 322%," Kim "Sakura" Browder, lead designer of the Smash Sisters series tells you as she oversees her company's booth for their new Giant Sister Super Smash expansion launch. "It would improve our ability to market all of our games through the rest of @@REGION@@ if you give him an amnesty. We'll hire him as our brand ambassador, let him play in all local events that are willing to pay appearance fees, and in return the government will expedite papers granting him residency. He'll get to do all the 'play-testing' that he wants without fearing the long arm of the law."
[effect] top-tier athletes are found in corporate offices all over @@NAME@@ in their efforts to gain and retain residency in the country.
[stats] Business subsidization slight increase, Compliance decrease, Corruption increase, Crime slight increase, Economic Freedom slight decrease, Economic Output slight increase, Economy slight increase, Employment slight increase, Government Size slight increase, Industry: Arms Manufacturing/Automobile Manufacturing/Beverage Sales/Furniture Restoration/Pizza Delivery/Timber Woodchipping slight increase, Industry: Information Technology increase, Industry: Insurance slight decrease, Integrity decrease, Law Enforcement slight decrease, Sector Agriculture/Manufacturing slight increase, Taxation slight increase, Tourism slight increase

by **Dotangina** » Fri Jul 29, 2016 5:41 pm

One more bump.

by **Australian rePublic** » Thu Aug 04, 2016 3:00 pm

WAIT!

[Submitted] Super Smashed Visa Melee

[Submitted] Super Smashed Visa Melee

Who is online