[SUBMITTED] Killer App

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:37 am

Pre-edit backstage version:

Title

Killer App

Description

Teen pop-sensation '@@randomfirstname@@' is dead, and police investigation into @@HIS@@ brutal murder-by-decapitation has revealed that this was a contract killing, organised through a highly professional 'dark web' assassination firm.

Validity

Internet not banned

Option

[option]"This talentless teeny-bopper's pop music was criminally bad, but @@HE@@ didn't deserve the death penalty!" jokes online video blogger and police academy dropout @@randomname@@. "Clearly law enforcement is struggling with modern technology. @@LEADER@@, if you're watching, take my advice: spend some money on a decent Cyber-Crimes division. Fill it with people who might have failed a stupid physical test, but who have tech-savvy and brains. Why yes, I would love to join up!"
[effect]undercover policemen out-number ordinary users in the dark web

[option]"Honestly, you can't police the internet short of shutting it down, and only a loony is going to suggest that could be an option. People need to defend themselves at the moment of attack!" asserts Tasers'n'Lasers rep @@randomname@@, via streamed video-link. "Crazy regulations about so-called 'reasonable force' are holding us back. Let the free market arm the people, and a free people can freely defend themselves! Though obviously, ahem, not for free."
[effect]ironic death by tasering is on the rise amongst door-to-door taser salesmen
[optionvalidity]capitalist nations

[option]"Honestly, you can't police the internet short of shutting it down, and only a loony is going to suggest that could be an option. People need to defend themselves at the moment of attack!" asserts former Red Revolutionary turned live-action roleplay enthusiast @@randomname@@, via streamed video-link. "The State must arm the People with tasers, and the People will be able to defend themselves!"
[effect]catching an old friend by surprise on the street can be a shocking experience
[optionvalidity]non-capitalist nations

[option]"Bonjour!" interjects Victor Reno, a dignified looking gent who you thought was just a cleaner, placing a handgun on your desk, barrel towards you. "The OneClickDeath Corporation sends its greetings. We would like you to legalise our little enterprise, so we can move from the dark web and into the light of legitimate business, death merchant apps and micropayment mutilations. We would allow you to create a small excluded target list, and will always be fastidious with tax payments. Just think on it." He departs, leaving the handgun on the table.
[effect]career advisors ask sociopathic orphan girls if they have considered becoming professional assassins
[optionvalidity]capitalist nations

[option]"Bonjour!" interjects Victor Reno, a dignified looking gent who you thought was just a cleaner, placing a handgun on your desk, barrel towards you. "The OneClickDeath Corporation sends its greetings. We would like you to legalise our little enterprise, so we can move from the dark web and into the light of legitimate business, death merchant apps and micropayment mutilations. We would allow you to create a small excluded target list, and will always be fastidious with tax payments. Just think on it." He departs, leaving the handgun on the table.
[effect]career advisors ask sociopathic orphan girls if they have considered becoming professional assassins
[optionvalidity]non-capitalist nations

[option] Your phone chimes, as a 'WotsOn' message comes through from your brother: 'LOL, d00d, ding dong ding dong news just-in, POP iz DED, long live GOOD TASTE. U want me to get together a list of other poop-star targets? I got secure PayBuddy set up, u just say the word, and u strike a blow for music lovers every-where. BANG BANG BANG! BANG! b c-ing u.'
[effect]weeping teen girls are grieving for the literal death of boy bands across the nation

Submitted version:

Title

Killer App

Description

Teen pop-sensation 'Justin' is dead, and police investigation into his brutal murder-by-decapitation has revealed that this was a contract killing, organised through a highly professional 'dark web' assassination firm.

Validity

Internet not banned
No repeat

Option

[option]"This talentless teeny-bopper's pop music was criminally bad, but he didn't deserve the death penalty!" jokes online video blogger and police academy dropout @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Clearly law enforcement is struggling with modern technology. @@LEADER@@, if you're watching, take my advice: spend some money on a decent Cyber-Crimes division. Fill it with people who might have failed a stupid physical test, but who have tech-savvy and brains. Why yes, I would love to join up!"
[effect]most online fora have a dozen or more undercover policemen on them

[option]"Honestly, you can't police the internet short of shutting it down, and only a loony is going to suggest that could be an option. People need to defend themselves at the moment of attack!" asserts Tasers'n'Lasers rep @@RANDOMNAME@@, via streamed video-link. "Crazy regulations about so-called 'reasonable force' are holding us back. Let the free market arm the people, and a free people can freely defend themselves! Though obviously, ahem, not for free."
[effect]ironic death by tasering is on the rise amongst door-to-door taser salesmen

[option]"Bonjour!" interjects Victor Reno, a dignified looking gent who you thought was just a cleaner, placing a handgun on your desk, barrel towards you. "The OneClickDeath corporation sends its greetings. We would like you to legalise our little enterprise, so we can move from the dark web and into the light of legitimate business, death merchant apps and micropayment mutilations. We would allow you to create a small excluded target list, and will always be fastidious with tax payments. Just think on it." He departs, leaving the handgun on the table.
[effect]career advisors ask sociopathic orphan girls if they have considered becoming professional assassins

[option]Your phone chimes, as a 'WotsOn' message comes through from your brother: 'LOL, d00d, ding dong ding dong news just-in, JUSTIN iz DED. U want me to get together a list of other poop-star targets? I got secure PayBuddy set up, u just say the word, and u strike a blow for music lovers every-where. BANG BANG BANG! BANG! b c-ing u, bro out.'
[effect]weeping teen girls are grieving for the literal death of boy bands across the nation

Midway draft:

Title

Killer App

Description

Police investigation into the brutal murder-by-decapitation of teen pop-sensation '@@randommalefirstname@@' has revealed that this was a contract killing, organised through a highly professional 'dark web' assassination firm.

Validity

Internet not banned

Option

[option]"This teeny-bopper's pop music was criminally bad, but he didn't deserve the death penalty! I'm ashamed to admit that we had no inkling at all that this was going to happen: we're just being outpaced by technology!" bemoans forty-something police investigator @@RANDOMNAME@@, calling in over a crackly telephone landline. "Look, we need more training in this modern technology, and better funding for our cybercrime division. I mean, I can't even work out how to change my desktop wallpaper after my daughter set pictures of this pop artist as the default, let alone chase down invisible electronic assassins. Help!"
[effect]elderly police sergeants are receiving basic training on how to open their e-mail

[option]"Honestly, there's only so much the police can do. People should be able to defend themselves!" observes Tasers'n'Lasers marketing rep @@RANDOMNAME@@, via a flawlessly streamed video-link. "My company has been tied up with crazy regulations and laws over so-called 'reasonable force'. Let us arm the people with the best in personal defence systems, and the free market will let a free people freely defend themselves! Though obviously, ahem, not for free."
[effect]ironic death by tasering is on the rise amongst door-to-door taser salesmen

[option]"Bonjour!" interjects Victor Reno, a dignified looking gent who you thought was just a cleaner, as he drops his act and places a handgun on your desk, barrel pointed towards you. "The OneClickDeath corporation sends its greetings. We would simply like you to legalise our little enterprise, so that we can move from this unpleasant underworld and into the light of legitimate business. Of course, we would be quite happy to put you on an excluded target list, and will always be fastidious with our tax payments. Just think on it." He departs, leaving the handgun on the table.
[effect]career advisors ask sociopathic orphan girls if they have considered becoming professional assassins

Unedited:

by **Trotterdam** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 12:32 pm

Give the victim a nonrandom name so you don't have to say "set pictures of this pop artist as the default" later. Alternatively, change "this pop artist" to "that [insult]" (like in the previous mention by that character) so that it makes more sense for the character to not just use his name.

I guess you omitted the obvious "ban the internet!" option because it's been done many times already, though it is in principle no less applicable than it was the previous times.

Honestly, I would have thought this would spark a debate about internet snooping vs privacy on the internet (which would make it more similar to #037, #150, and #317, unfortunately, but is the sort of debate that would result from this sort of incident in real life), not just "incompetent police need more training" (why is the police so full of older people? is firing them and hiring younger cops an option?). It's mainly the other two options that I love, anyways.

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:"Let us arm the people with the best in personal defence systems, and the free market will let a free people freely defend themselves! Though obviously, ahem, not for free."
[effect]ironic death by tasering is on the rise amongst door-to-door taser salesmen

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:"The OneClickDeath corporation sends its greetings. We would simply like you to legalise our little enterprise, [...] and will always be fastidious with our tax payments."
[effect]career advisors ask sociopathic teenagers if they have considered becoming professional assassins

Genius.

Though more because of the quality of the writing than the originality of the concept.

by **Christian Democrats** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 1:37 pm

Trotterdam wrote:Give the victim a nonrandom name so you don't have to say "set pictures of this pop artist as the default" later.

Justin.

by **Nation of Quebec** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 2:16 pm

Christian Democrats wrote:
Trotterdam wrote:Give the victim a nonrandom name so you don't have to say "set pictures of this pop artist as the default" later.

Justin.

As someone who hates Justin Bieber with a passion, I second that idea. The deceased musician character could be a parody of him.

by **Christian Democrats** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 3:20 pm

Nation of Quebec wrote:
Christian Democrats wrote:Justin.

As someone who hates Justin Bieber with a passion, I second that idea. The deceased musician character could be a parody of him.

Who said I was talking about Justin Bieber? I could be talking about the singer Justin Guarini, Justin Lo, Justin Moore, Justin Osuji, Justin Pierre, Justin Timberlake, Justin Tranter, Justin Vernon, or Justin Young.

by **Nation of Quebec** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 3:42 pm

Christian Democrats wrote:
Nation of Quebec wrote:As someone who hates Justin Bieber with a passion, I second that idea. The deceased musician character could be a parody of him.

Who said I was talking about Justin Bieber? I could be talking about the singer Justin Guarini, Justin Lo, Justin Moore, Justin Osuji, Justin Pierre, Justin Timberlake, Justin Tranter, Justin Vernon, or Justin Young.

I didn't realize there were so many Justins in the music industry. Shows how little I pay attention to modern music.

Still, I think a Bieber parody would work best here, seeing how universally despised he is.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 3:58 pm

Great comments, Trott.

Trotterdam wrote:Give the victim a nonrandom name so you don't have to say "set pictures of this pop artist as the default" later. Alternatively, change "this pop artist" to "that [insult]" (like in the previous mention by that character) so that it makes more sense for the character to not just use his name.

Hmmm. I like the randomfirstnamemale macro for teeny poppers, just because if the random humour potential for a Barack or Saddam. I will make an edit to the police officer's words though to make it more natural that he/she doesn't know the name.

I guess you omitted the obvious "ban the internet!" option because it's been done many times already, though it is in principle no less applicable than it was the previous times.

God, yes. It crossed my mind for exactly three seconds before I thought "boooring".

Honestly, I would have thought this would spark a debate about internet snooping vs privacy on the internet (which would make it more similar to #037, #150, and #317, unfortunately, but is the sort of debate that would result from this sort of incident in real life), not just "incompetent police need more training" (why is the police so full of older people? is firing them and hiring younger cops an option?). It's mainly the other two options that I love, anyways.
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:"Let us arm the people with the best in personal defence systems, and the free market will let a free people freely defend themselves! Though obviously, ahem, not for free."
[effect]ironic death by tasering is on the rise amongst door-to-door taser salesmen
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:"The OneClickDeath corporation sends its greetings. We would simply like you to legalise our little enterprise, [...] and will always be fastidious with our tax payments."
[effect]career advisors ask sociopathic teenagers if they have considered becoming professional assassins
Genius.

Though more because of the quality of the writing than the originality of the concept.

Thanks! I agree that options 2 and 3 are funnier than option 1. That's why option 1 became a bewildered older copper, it was just a stressed policeman at first. I must make it more humorous.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 4:04 pm

amendment log:

More bewilderment:

"Look, we need more training in this modern technology, and better funding for our cybercrime division. I mean, I can't even work out how to change my desktop wallpaper after my daughter set pictures of this pop artist as the default, let alone chase down invisible electronic assassins. Help!"

More pop media references by tweaking effect line:

[effect]career advisors ask sociopathic orphan girls if they have considered becoming professional assassins

by **Trotterdam** » Mon Jul 11, 2016 11:45 pm

Trotterdam wrote:not just "incompetent police need more training" (why is the police so full of older people? is firing them and hiring younger cops an option?).

Thinking about it some more, the problem is not only that it's questionable that the police would be this clueless about the internet (especially since the validity specifies nothing about having low intelligence or scientific advancement), but also the implication that if the police did have basic competence in modern technology, cybercrime would be easy to stop (which does not in general seem to be the case).

In fact, neither of the other two options (which we agreed were the better ones, in the sense of being more amusingly-written - but not necessarily in the sense of being appropiate for most nations) really care about the fact that this assassination form operates online, as both would be about equally valid responses if the contract were negotiated offline. While that detail provides for some amusing background flavor, like the "OneClickDeath" name, it doesn't seem to be at the core of the issue. Perhaps the right way to go would be to make the issue more specifically about contract killing, and leave the fact that the internet was involved as a humorous detail rather than the basis of any of the options.

It could be argued that the first option is also pretty much a "more police funding" option with superficial internet flavoring, but the flavoring is more pervasive here than in the other two options, which makes for an unbalanced diet.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:07 am

Yeah, you're right, this is an internet issue when it doesn't need to be. A shame, as I like the "killer app" joke, but its for the benefit of that and OneClickDeath that I'm making it web-based assassins at all.

Rather than abandon the internet aspect, I'll rewrite option 1 to be better, and options 2 and 3 to have more references to it being an internet assassination company.

Current version:

Title

Killer App

Description

Teen pop-sensation Jason Belieber is dead, and police investigation into his brutal murder-by-decapitation has revealed that this was a contract killing, organised through a highly professional 'dark web' assassination firm.

Validity

Internet not banned

Option

[option]"This talentless teeny-bopper's pop music was criminally bad, but he didn't deserve the death penalty!" jokes online video blogger and police academy dropout @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Clearly law enforcement is struggling with modern technology. @@LEADER@@, if you're watching, take my advice: spend some money on a decent Cyber-Crimes division. Fill it with people who might have failed a stupid physical test, but who have tech-savvy and brains. Why yes, I would love to join up!"
[effect]most online fora have a dozen or more undercover policemen on them

[option]"Honestly, you can't police the internet short of shutting it down, and only a loony is going to suggest that could be an option. People need to defend themselves at the moment of attack!" asserts Tasers'n'Lasers rep @@RANDOMNAME@@, via streamed video-link. "Crazy regulations about so-called 'reasonable force' are holding us back. Let the free market arm the people, and a free people can freely defend themselves! Though obviously, ahem, not for free."
[effect]ironic death by tasering is on the rise amongst door-to-door taser salesmen

[option]"Bonjour!" interjects Victor Reno, a dignified looking gent who you thought was just a cleaner, placing a handgun on your desk, barrel towards you. "The OneClickDeath corporation sends its greetings. We would like you to legalise our little enterprise, so we can move from the dark web and into the light of legitimate business, death merchant apps and micropayment mutilations. We would allow you to create a small excluded target list, and will always be fastidious with tax payments. Just think on it." He departs, leaving the handgun on the table.
[effect]career advisors ask sociopathic orphan girls if they have considered becoming professional assassins

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:35 am

As you can see, I relented on the Bieber thing, though of course I'm changing the name.

What do people think on an extra option?

[option]Your phone chimes, as a 'WotsOn' message comes through from your brother: 'LOL, d00d, ding dong ding dong the Belieber iz DED. U want me to do rest of my list or wot? I got secure PayBuddy set up, u just say the word, and u strike a blow for music lovers every-where. BANG BANG BANG! BANG! c u later. Bro Out.'
[effect]weeping teen girls are grieving for the literal death of boy bands across the nation

by **Australian rePublic** » Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:40 pm

Justin Biebel is used inother issues, so ifone of those issues come up after this one, they're pretty much discussing a dead man

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 2:23 am

Australian Republic wrote:Justin Biebel is used inother issues, so ifone of those issues come up after this one, they're pretty much discussing a dead man

No, not in the code. Must have been a @@randomname@@, I think.

You raise a good point though about discussing a dead man: I might have to add a no-repeat flag to this one.

by **Australian rePublic** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 5:47 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:
Australian Republic wrote:Justin Biebel is used inother issues, so ifone of those issues come up after this one, they're pretty much discussing a dead man

No, not in the code. Must have been a @@randomname@@, I think.

You raise a good point though about discussing a dead man: I might have to add a no-repeat flag to this one.

No, I'm pretty sure it's not, I have gotten many issues with that name over and over, and with the context refering to Justin Bieber. I'm pretty sure it's not

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 6:55 am

Hmm, have checked again on the raw code. Not one instance of Justin (save the 5 within adjusting), no biebers and no biebels. And thats checking issues in full, right through stats, effects and the rest, not just what is on the spoiler text thread.

Maybe you are recalling an issue draft that isn't yet in the game?

by **Australian rePublic** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:42 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Hmm, have checked again on the raw code. Not one instance of Justin (save the 5 within adjusting), no biebers and no biebels. And thats checking issues in full, right through stats, effects and the rest, not just what is on the spoiler text thread.

Maybe you are recalling an issue draft that isn't yet in the game?

I'm pretty sure it wasn't a draft. Maybe get someone else to varify this

by **Australian rePublic** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:44 am

I don't see why you would call him Justin Bibel anyway, I mean, isn't it harsh to imply Justin Bieber is dead, when in reality, he is clearly alive? If anything, you shouldmake up a fake celebrity from scratch

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:06 am

Well, to be clear, I am using Jason Belieber, not Justin Bieber, though obviously it is meant to be a direct reference. Whether its harsh or humorous depends on your opinion of him, I guess.

I'll happily switch it back to @@randommalefirstname@@, which is where I started from, but I'm neutral on the matter, and could use more votes one way or the other.

So far its 2 in favour of Bieber reference, 1 for a nonrandom name (no preference announced) and 1 for a randomname.

As I said, I'll go with a majority.

by **Almonaster Nuevo** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 10:19 am

Belieber works for me. Dustin would be another option for his first name.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 10:53 am

Dustin is much better!

by **Trotterdam** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 11:29 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:So far its 2 in favour of Bieber reference, 1 for a nonrandom name (no preference announced) and 1 for a randomname.

Just for reference, I no longer care about it being a nonrandom name, since the language that required the name to be mentioned again has been removed. Even in the old version of option 1, a random name would have worked if you had tweaked some wording appropiately, you just chose not to.

So I'm voting for a random name now.

(Not sure how that affects option 4.)

I don't like the sound of "Belieber" specifically. Can't say why. I just don't.

by **Australian rePublic** » Fri Jul 15, 2016 4:06 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Well, to be clear, I am using Jason Belieber, not Justin Bieber, though obviously it is meant to be a direct reference. Whether its harsh or humorous depends on your opinion of him, I guess.

I'll happily switch it back to @@randommalefirstname@@, which is where I started from, but I'm neutral on the matter, and could use more votes one way or the other.

So far its 2 in favour of Bieber reference, 1 for a nonrandom name (no preference announced) and 1 for a randomname.

As I said, I'll go with a majority.

My opinion of him directly contradicts this view. I hate his music, hate his attitude, I hate hime being the wold's oldest brat, and I hate the fact that he has defaced and grafifitied many properties around the world, and has no criminal record to show for it. In fact, I hate Justin Bieber. But to suggest he's dead, however, is another thing. I mean I don't see anything humourous about death, and in the end, he's worst crime was graffiti, it's not like he's Hitler or anything, and my opiniom of music dosen't justify hih. But that's just my opinion, I suppose you obviously know what you're talking about, you are the issue editor

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:48 am

I have no preference.

I'll take it off again, given the strength of feeling against.

by **Christian Democrats** » Mon Jul 18, 2016 1:30 am

There are literally a dozen pop singers named Justin, which is why I suggested just using that first name.

by **Australian rePublic** » Mon Jul 18, 2016 5:40 am

Christian Democrats wrote:There are literally a dozen pop singers named Justin, which is why I suggested just using that first name.

Now that's a good idea. Would this be the only non-Easter Egg with a no repeat?

[SUBMITTED] Killer App

[SUBMITTED] Killer App

Who is online