NATION

PASSWORD

[SUBMITTED] Rainbow Disconnections

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.

Advertisement

Remove ads

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Thu Dec 05, 2024 6:21 pm

I have reworked the draft entirely to make it more unique. The premise now is that the pressure is coming from Brancaland, and they are threatening sanctions not for any specific incident but for political reasons. The ambassador is now more cold-bloooded: she has more to leverage with, and the police officer is now just a former member. The flamboyant man is removed, as he is now too similar to the ambassador. Feedback is very much still appreciated.
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Verdant Haven
Director of Content
 
Posts: 3526
Founded: Feb 26, 2013
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Verdant Haven » Thu Dec 05, 2024 7:48 pm

- That premise looks much better to me. While there are some other "you have bad civil rights!" issues, this one is specific, believable, and to the best of my knowledge unique in its focus. Good choice.

- I'd play around with the tenses and phrasing of the new description, to match our normal structure a bit more, but overall the concept works. The latter portion of the final sentence of the description isn't needed (nearly all issues are about various people presenting opinions), so I'd look to roll the trade partner aspect into the other text.

- Option one opens with a very long dialogue tag that feels more like stage directions than true characterization. The coldness is fine, but make it succinct, and use your wordcount to flesh out the argument. Try to avoid making too many assumptions about *what* the punishment is in @@NAME@@ - that is subject to a whole bunch of individual player decisions and policies that we can't readily assume.

- Effect lines don't need capitalization

- Effect line 1... I don't entirely follow what's being said. For one thing, I don't know that the specific number is useful, but more importantly I don't understand who is paying the price?

- Option 2 doesn't feel particularly active as a choice. "Ignore this" is what we do with the dismiss button... is there some active step the government can be asked to take to make this decision matter? Since option 1 is to give in to the pressure, and option 3 is to lean into it, maybe option 2 would make sense if it were to encourage some kind of alternate negotiation with a goal of allowing the Branc president to claim they'd fulfilled their promises, without actually requiring legal changes?

- Effect line 2 – the alliteration is good, but I don't understand how it connects to the option.

- Option 3 – I'm seeing now that all the options basically start with a long description, then have the text. Mix up the format a bit! This speaker is very strong and well characterized, and you can feel the hate dripping from them. I would perhaps keep the format for this guy to avoid breaking up a well-written option, and look at adjusting the other two.

- Effect line 3 – Unfortunately this is again an effect line in search of an option. I don't understand how it is connected with the decision being made.

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Thu Dec 05, 2024 8:16 pm

So this next draft seeks to incorporate a lot of VH's feedback.

I specifically need effect line help if ya'll have any. I feel pretty good about the 3rd, but the 1st and 2nd are very weak
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Verdant Haven
Director of Content
 
Posts: 3526
Founded: Feb 26, 2013
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Verdant Haven » Tue Dec 10, 2024 8:19 am

- I think this premise is good, and is unique enough in its specifics to work well.

- Option 1: You could drop the "either" – nobody has said anything about a trade war as yet. Be careful about assuming what the punishments are in @@NAME@@. We don't know that they're long and pubic, or even that they aren't already just a slap on the wrist.

- Effect 1: This effect line has lost me.

- Option 2: Ok, decent suggestion here... but how? Details are needed. Right now, it sounds sort of like a coach saying "Ok team, all we need to do to win is win. Then we'll have won!" What's the actual *plan* to allow this person to save face? How do you retain your laws while avoiding sanctions?

- Effect 2: This also has lost me. Dirty jokes that don't fit the context are not helpful.

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Wed Dec 11, 2024 6:51 am

A new draft is up, with new, although probably still bad, effect lines.
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Mon Dec 16, 2024 8:47 am

/bump
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Mon Dec 23, 2024 7:25 pm

/bump
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Millenhaal
Diplomat
 
Posts: 639
Founded: Nov 20, 2021
Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Postby Millenhaal » Tue Dec 24, 2024 9:43 pm

Hey guy. Get ready for some KILLER feedback.

Title: I don't think your title works for the issue anymore. IIRC it used to be about people coming to your country who were gay, and your country banned homosexuality. It is now a completely different concept, so I don't think it is apt anymore. A quick suggestion I have is "Rainbow Disconnections".

Description: Some grammatical/wording issues here, my corrections in red:

It's election year in Brancaland, a country which has a significant amount of trade with @@NAME@@. The liberal incumbent President there once made a promise to support rights for homosexuals abroad, and as @@HE@@ scrambles to secure a second term, @@HIS@@ administration has threatened sanctions on @@NAME@@ due to your laws against homosexuality.


Assuming that this president had made the promise to secure election, and this is a ploy to make good on that in some way, I feel like this phrasing makes more sense.

Option 1: Also some grammatical issues here, but these are small enough that they'll be fixed in editing. I'm not sure what the characterization of this speaker is. I can't tell if they're trying to be chipper like is typical for Brancalandians in issues, or they're trying to be threatening. Now, what I think you could do to make it really interesting is make it almost the speaker have a mobster-like threatening energy about them. That's just one suggestion, many ways you could take it. A bit of flavor like that here and there would really bring this option up to snuff. Also, effect line's weak. Might I suggest "@@NAME@@ seems to be chasing the gold at the end of the rainbow"?

Option 2: I don't think that this concept for an option really works, quite honestly. You're trying to trick a foreign government with all of its government-y appendages, they aren't dumb. In fact, the speaker is speaking as the ambassador is in hearing range. Even so, let's say they were tricked for one pride parade, how would you convince participants to do so? That also assumes they're dumb. And it also requires that Brancaland believes one day a year where homosexuality is decriminalized is sufficient for its political gains. It's just flawed. Now, what organizations often do when they're being pressured for not being diverse enough is hire some "Inclusion Officer" or something. What I suggest as a replacement to this option is the appointment of some sort of Queer Liaison so you can pretend you're having a conversation when the position is powerless. I think that would give enough of an appearance to satisfy the Brancalandians.

Option 3: I think you can do better than Ceven Stowder for a parody on Steven Crowder. How about Neven Powder? Now, the meat of the option. The speaker seems to indicate that you should banish all homosexuals, then advocate for something else to be acted upon, and that's a bit odd. Now, I like what he actually suggests more as an option for this issue, but you should lead up to that. Also, this is rather nitpicky of me, but how do you "practically" kick down a door? It's either kicked down or not kicked down :p
MILLENHAAL: Statsminister of Balder
ϟ Literary Masterworks ϟ
how strange it is to be anything at all...
Heavens Reach wrote:Everything's coming up Millenhaal

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Thu Dec 26, 2024 12:35 pm

Thanks, Milly!

Name change and effect line changes and the Steven Crowder parody have all been done exactly as you suggested.

Option 1: I have previously had feedback this option was too long and too much non-speaking text, so I think for now I'll keep it and marinate on the characterization. The character is definitely meant to be a ruthless diplomat.

Option 2: Yeah, sure, I've changed it to a Queer Liason.

Option 3: To practically kick down a door is to open it but so harshly that it's on the brink of snapping. Now, I've edited the guys lines to be a bit more reflective of his suggestion, but ultimately he's meant to ramble a little and say some nonsensical things (he's a Steven Crowder parody).
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Tue Dec 31, 2024 3:11 pm

/bump
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Wed Jan 08, 2025 1:58 pm

/bump
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Mon Jan 20, 2025 9:58 pm

/bump
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Verdant Haven
Director of Content
 
Posts: 3526
Founded: Feb 26, 2013
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Verdant Haven » Tue Jan 21, 2025 6:54 am

Looks pretty close.

- Option 2: is that final @@HE@@ meant to reference the person in option 1? If so it will need to be a @@HE_1@@, but I would suggest perhaps referencing their name directly to make it clear.

- Effect 2: If you can rearrange the wording to avoid the comma, it would be helpful

- Option 3: wihin -> within

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Tue Jan 21, 2025 7:54 am

I've implemented VH's feedback, and with that, this draft is on last call.
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Fri Jan 24, 2025 5:34 pm

It's almost bittersweet, this last /bump

Submission will be on Monday the 27th

Edit: it'll be sometime later actually, no comment on the reason
Last edited by Ostrovskiy on Fri Jan 24, 2025 5:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

User avatar
Ostrovskiy
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1221
Founded: Nov 01, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Ostrovskiy » Tue Feb 04, 2025 7:36 am

submitted!
Warden-Lieutenant, TGW | Elected Director, UDS | Minister of Culture, tPoP
the Lavenderest Collection is pretty cool
SCR#439, SCR#444, GAR#674, SCR#471,SCR#492, SCR#493, Issue #1622, GAR#766


All opinions are solely my own (duh)

Previous

Advertisement

Remove ads

Return to Got Issues?

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Raionitu

Advertisement

Remove ads