[ACCEPTED] Born to Kill

[Jutsa]

Naeh, genetically mutated butterflies sounds like it could end even more horrifically.

[Trotterdam]

Hmm... think it'd hurt the narrative too much if it actually succeeded?

Well, we already have an even bolder coup temporarily succeeding in #192. Just taking control of one military base is comparatively tame, though of course something you would quickly want to do something about, so speakers' opinions would have to be adjusted a little to make the fate of that particular base more explicit in their course of action. It would also sound like it's asking for an option where you let the supersoldiers keep the base - actually, maybe option 4 could be that one.

[Jutsa]

Alrighty, draft 2.00 is up.

That was genuinely quicker and easier than I thought it'd be. o_O

Hopefully this works a little better, and might feel a little less like the
"you made a bad decision, WANNA GO BACK" issue it might've been before...
mostly because there's no real option to go 100% back on your decision, now,
but I think it still works nicely this way.

However, seeing as it's a pretty different draft now,
I'd like to keep this up for a while longer.

[Trotterdam]

Their message been sent across @@NAME@@, as well as to other super soldiers.

Has been.

Also, which other super-soldiers? You already covered @@NAME@@, so are you talking about super-soldiers in other countries?

"The super-soldiers there are too strong, but they're still traitors."

Too strong? Too strong for what? Not for this speaker to want to attack them, clearly.

"Ve just need to infulstrate zer compound and make zem like serving us more:"

"Infulstrate"?

Option 3: "Now you see why they don't like you very much?" asks the soldier who broke free of the straps, Dr. Frankincense tapping his syringe in bewilderment. "They'll come back if you treat them better. We should be treated like normal soldiers, complete with a paycheck, vacation time, and a chance to eventually retire. Maybe you could even lighten up on some of the missions you assign us. Us soldiers are people, just like you — but betterer.... RERRR?" The drugs begin to take effect.

So you completely changed the speaker while keeping the option mostly the same. It's leading to a mixup between "them" and "us" - I guess you're using the former to refer specifically to the regiment of super-soldiers who rebelled at the base, and "us" to refer to all super-soldiers in general, but it's still a bit disorienting.

Option 4: "BAH! Who needs 'em?" Libertarian and suspected secessionist @@RANDOMNAME@@ asks looking at the super soldier in disgust.

Lowercase "libertarian", and hyphenate "super-soldiers".

[Australian rePublic]

RE: Title
Machines aren't really born. How about "Built tonkill"?

[Jutsa]

Thanks, guys.

@Aussie: I guess they're machines, but I still kinda like "Born to Kill". I'll leave it to whoever edits this, if it makes it that far, though.

@Trot:
@1 and @4: Yeah, I'm referring to only so many super-soldiers...
but, y'know... I kinda like the idea of having all the super-soldiers invade the base, now.
That'd definitely make option 1 take down the whole program...

Idk, what do you think? Regardless, I can see your third point in how it might get confusing.

@2: Yeah, specification necessary, thanks.
@3: Meant to be another lapse in his accent. *shrugs*
Doesn't matter too much, I guess I could cut out unnecessarities.

@5: Thank you and thank you.

[Trotterdam]

Machines aren't really born.

We aren't talking about machines. See #931 for that.

@3: Meant to be another lapse in his accent. *shrugs*

Yeah, but I can't even tell what it's meant to be.

[Jutsa]

Infultrate.

I'll change it.

[Trotterdam]

Infultrate.

That's not in the dictionary, either.

"Infiltrate" is, but I don't see that word making sense in context.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

So let's see, we've got:

Premise: Super soldiers rebel.

Option 1: Brute force with conventional soldiers
Option 2: Make more subservient super-soldiers
Option 3: Treat them better.
Option 4: Let them secede.

Looks good. Only thing I'd suggest is having option 2 propose something along the lines of "the only way to beat a super-solider is with an even more super super-solider. A super-duper soldier."

[Jutsa]

....




yes.

[Jutsa]

Alrighty, changed option 2 a bit.

It was a little odd to, given the way I made option 2 (and thus remade option 3),
but I think I kinda found a nice mix of the ideas.

This draft's been up for a long time (over 2 months),
but I think it's been something of a necessity.

I think it's soon ready to submit, and I probably will in about a week,
but only if this draft looks like it doesn't need any more major reworks on-forum.

Thank you all for your help with this; it's one of those that I've had to really wrap my head around.

[Trotterdam]

Option 2: "No! Zee soldiers are too important to us!" informs Dr. Frankincense, who appears to have a sleeping super-soldier strapped to your desk. "Ve need to invade ze compound by making even more super super-soliders — a super-duper soldier! Ve can do zis by injecting zem all viz mind-altering drugs!" @@HE@@ injects the soldier with a glowing substance, who then wakes up and breaks free of the straps. "It's ALIVE!"

That's not how you make super-duper soldiers, though. Mind-altering drugs might make them more loyal, but they won't make them better at combat.

[Jutsa]

Mmmmh. Yes. Good point.

Oof, I genuinely don't know. I'd love to have both but I honestly can not see this even being able to have super-duper soldiers with the way the thing's set up.

[Jutsa]

Alrighty, changed it again.

I think this is nearly ready for submission, myself, so I'm finally putting this on last call for a week.

[Flanderlion]

Love the issue, just not sure about the wording of the premise. I'm not sure how it's wrong, but reads slightly off to me, primarily the 2nd sentence.

I'd personally choose Option 1.

[Jutsa]

just not sure about the wording of the premise

AGREED. Too many participles, dangling or otherwise!

Down with the participles!

[Jutsa]

Eh, how's this?

However, upset with being bred in a lab to be used as weapons, a large coup of super-soldiers took over a high-level military base.

ed: I personally think it's a lot better than this.

However, a coup recently took over a high-level military base as an act of revenge for being bred in a lab only to be used as a weapon.

[Flanderlion]

Eh, how's this?

However, upset with being bred in a lab to be used as weapons, a large coup of super-soldiers took over a high-level military base.

ed: I personally think it's a lot better than this.

However, a coup recently took over a high-level military base as an act of revenge for being bred in a lab only to be used as a weapon.

...as weapons, a battalion of super soldiers have staged an uprising, taking over an important military base.

Wasn't sure on the numbers of a battalion in terms of whether that would be too many or too few for taking over the base.

[Jutsa]

Ah, yes, that'll work. I swear I can't phrase this right for the life of the draft.
ed: Also changed "other" to "the remaining" in as well as to the remaining super soldiers.

ed2: Oh! also, nice to see you again, Flanderlion; it's been some time.

[Jutsa]

Submitted! Removed the "no sex" validity (I think that was outdated), and added a comma to option 4.

Thank you all, so much, for your help.

[Sacara]

Good luck!

[Australian rePublic]

Good Luck!