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[DRAFT] Flavor-Aid Marmalade

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
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Galway-Dublin
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[DRAFT] Flavor-Aid Marmalade

Postby Galway-Dublin » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:06 am

Validity: Valid only for nations in which emigration from the country is legal/possible.

[desc]The government of Blackacre reported earlier today that a mass, cult-like suicide had occurred in the Blackacren city of Bonestown, with 906 deaths reported. The newsflash might have been ignored by your government, except for the fact that exactly 892 of the dead were identified by coroners as being @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ citizens. Upon further investigation, it turns out that the mass migration and suicide to Bonestown was organized and coordinated by @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ citizens within @@NAME@@ itself. The group which organized it is known as the Citizens' Chapel Cultivation Concept, a radical, cult-like religious movement that has the public in shock.

[option]"How could the government let this happen?" Cries @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, "If the government had stepped in and halted this 'Citizens' Chapel Cultivation Concept' my son wouldn't be dead a thousand miles away! The government must focus on defending its citizenry from wacko cults such as the Citizens' Chapel, even if it means government surveillance of private religious groups with potentially nutty intent! Please, @@LEADER@@, action must be taken against these wackos to prevent this kind of event from again happening!
[effect]baptisms are filmed to subdue cultists
[stats]Authoritarianism increases, civil rights decrease, religiousness decreases, secularism increases(?)

[option]"Heresy!" Interrupts @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ of the order of Violet, chewing on a rat's head. "Sure, there might be some wacky groups that cite religion to commit atrocities, but I say that those consist of the minority of religious sects! I demand, for my own and for other religious groups, privacy from government encroachment in the name of security! He holds the rat head in front of your face, "Want a lick?"
[effect]religious movements such as "Mass Death for God" march freely in the streets without government opposition.
[stats]Probably the exact opposite of option 1's stats, and may increase inclusiveness?

[option]"I don't believe in indiscriminate discrimination either, but we should take passive steps to prevent this kind of atrocity from happening again, be it religiously based or just a cult," migration studies professor @@RANDOMNAME@@ says. "Our records show a surge of migrations to Bonestown in the months leading up to this suicide, around the same time the Citizens' Chapel was promoting migration to the area to establish a commune. We can use this kind of information in the future to stop citizens from meeting potentially lethal ends in the foreign lands, and potentially use the info to forcefully dissolve organizations that push for things like this.
[effect]@@DEMONYMNOUN@@ myface groups for trips to tropical vacation resorts are regularly shut down in the name of national security
[stats]Authoritarianism increases, civil rights decrease(?)


Revision 1:

[desc]Citizens' Chapel Cultivation Concept, a radical, cult-like religious movement, shocked @@NAME@@ today after it was reported that they had committed a mass, cult-like suicide in the Blackacren city of Bonestown. The amount dead is estimated to be in the hundreds, with a vast majority of them being @@DEMONYMNOUN@@. With reports coming out that the CCCC was based in @@NAME@@ and was recruiting citizens to migrate to Bonestown for the past few months, the public is urging you to come up with a solution to prevent this from happening again.

[option]"How could the government let this happen?" Cries @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, "If the government had stepped in and halted this 'Citizens' Chapel Cultivation Concept' through some sort of surveillance, my son wouldn't be dead in a jungle a thousand miles away! The government must focus on defending its citizenry from wacko cults such as the Citizens' Chapel, even if it means state surveillance of private religious groups with potentially nutty intent! Please, @@LEADER@@, action must be taken against these wackos to prevent this kind of event from again happening!
[effect]nobody brings cameras to weddings anymore
[stats]Authoritarianism increases, civil rights decrease, religiousness decreases, secularism increases(?), government size increases.

[option]"Heresy!" Interrupts @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the order of Violet, donning an unusually red top hat. "Sure, there might be some wacky groups that cite religion to commit atrocities, but I say that those consist of the minority of religious sects! I demand, for my own and for other religious groups, privacy from government encroachment in the name of security!" They walk away, their hat leaving a path with dripping blood.
[effect]the religious group "Mass Death for God" openly preaches killings in chapels around the country
[stats]Probably the exact opposite of option 1's stats, and may increase inclusiveness?

[option]"I don't believe in indiscriminate discrimination either, but we should take passive steps to prevent this kind of atrocity from happening again, be it religiously based or just a cult, here or in Blackacre," migration studies professor @@RANDOMNAME@@ says. "Our records show a surge of migrations to Bonestown in the months leading up to this suicide, around the same time the Citizens' Chapel was promoting migration to the area to establish a commune. We can use migration-based information, coupled with a teeny bit of surveillance in the future to stop citizens from meeting potentially lethal ends in foreign lands. This further has the potential to be used to forcefully dissolve organizations that push for crimes like these. That way, we're not targeting religion in general, but nutty cults in general. Use this method, and we'll never see another disaster like this again." They return to their desk and nonchalantly put on a tinfoil hat.
[effect]@@DEMONYMNOUN@@ myface groups for trips to Barryworld are regularly shut down by the government for "security purposes"
[stats]Authoritarianism increases, civil rights decrease(?), government size increases.


(For those not in the know, this is a reference to the infamous Jonestown mass suicide)
Last edited by Galway-Dublin on Thu Feb 23, 2017 2:33 pm, edited 6 times in total.
LoveisLove

Author of issue 674: Let them eat rainbow cake!

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Australian Republic
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Postby Australian Republic » Sat Feb 18, 2017 1:57 pm

Nice idea, but option 1. HOW are you aupposed to stop these things from happening? Until it did, you didn't even know it was going to

Also, how did these terrorists manage to kill @@DENONYMPLURAL@@? Were they intending to? Or were they just too stupid to do maybe an hour of research about where @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ tourists to Blackacre like to hang out?
Yes, yes. I am stupid AND a crackpot. No need to state the obvious
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Drayxaso
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Postby Drayxaso » Sat Feb 18, 2017 2:03 pm

Australian Republic wrote:Nice idea, but option 1. HOW are you aupposed to stop these things from happening? Until it did, you didn't even know it was going to

Also, how did these terrorists manage to kill @@DENONYMPLURAL@@? Were they intending to? Or were they just too stupid to do maybe an hour of research about where @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ tourists to Blackacre like to hang out?

Terrorists? This is about a mass suicide, not a terrorist attack.
The Great Devourer of All wrote:"Bring the ship about, helmsman! The Klingons are firing on us!"
"I can't, sir! My knees hurt like hell and my back is cramped in a thousand places. The Klingons might as well put me out of my misery!"

Neanderthaland wrote:Looks like the DPRK is in need of a new buyer. Someone more aligned to their political philosophy.


Now if only there were someone out there who needed massive amounts of coal. Someone with a cult of personality and a keen interest in surveillance. Someone who sees you when your sleeping. Who knows when you're awake.
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us
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Australian Republic
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Postby Australian Republic » Sat Feb 18, 2017 3:32 pm

Drayxaso wrote:
Australian Republic wrote:Nice idea, but option 1. HOW are you aupposed to stop these things from happening? Until it did, you didn't even know it was going to

Also, how did these terrorists manage to kill @@DENONYMPLURAL@@? Were they intending to? Or were they just too stupid to do maybe an hour of research about where @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ tourists to Blackacre like to hang out?

Terrorists? This is about a mass suicide, not a terrorist attack.

The question still stands, though I add apathy to the list
Yes, yes. I am stupid AND a crackpot. No need to state the obvious
There's no "I" in "team", but there is in "win" and "victory"
Australian of Greek ancestry ΕΛΛΗΝΑΣ!!! who loves BOTH of his nations very much Orthodox Christian
My blog
7 published issues Storefronts

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Drayxaso
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Founded: May 09, 2015
New York Times Democracy

Postby Drayxaso » Sat Feb 18, 2017 6:05 pm

Australian Republic wrote:
Drayxaso wrote:Terrorists? This is about a mass suicide, not a terrorist attack.

The question still stands, though I add apathy to the list

What? The mass suicide was by a bunch of @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ who migrated to Blackacre.
The Great Devourer of All wrote:"Bring the ship about, helmsman! The Klingons are firing on us!"
"I can't, sir! My knees hurt like hell and my back is cramped in a thousand places. The Klingons might as well put me out of my misery!"

Neanderthaland wrote:Looks like the DPRK is in need of a new buyer. Someone more aligned to their political philosophy.


Now if only there were someone out there who needed massive amounts of coal. Someone with a cult of personality and a keen interest in surveillance. Someone who sees you when your sleeping. Who knows when you're awake.
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us
(@.0) Put this in your sig if you support the Borg


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Candlewhisper Archive
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Feb 20, 2017 1:50 am

Good to see that publication has pushed you to further drafting!

Nice premise to this issue.

I'd suggest looking over the description, options and effects, and seeing if you can transmit the same information with fewer words and more humour. Definitely a strong start though.
Editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people.

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Caracasus
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Left-wing Utopia

Postby Caracasus » Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:08 am

Some potential ways to cut down on the word count here:
The government of Blackacre reported earlier today that a mass, cult-like suicide had occurred in the Blackacren city of Bonestown, with 906 deaths reported. The newsflash might have been ignored by your government, except for the fact that exactly 892 of the dead were identified by coroners as being @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ citizens. Upon further investigation, it turns out that the mass migration and suicide to Bonestown was organized and coordinated by @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ citizens within @@NAME@@ itself. The group which organized it is known as the Citizens' Chapel Cultivation Concept, a radical, cult-like religious movement that has the public in shock.


The Citizens' Chapel Cultivation Concept, a cult under surveillance by security forces around the world, shocked @@NAME@@ today by committing mass suicide in their compound in Blackacre. Further investigation by Blackacre security forces led to the startling revelation that many of the members of the cult were in fact @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ citizens.

I like option one and the effects. Works well.

Option two? Replace gnawing a rat with something to do with a top hat (I believe?) as it's a staple of Violetist dress from previous issues. Also consider toning down the madness perhaps.

Option three is good, though might need a tad rewording in places.
As an editor I seam to spend an awful lot of time going threw issue's and checking that their are no obvious errors. Its a tough job but someones got to do it!

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Galway-Dublin
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Founded: Nov 28, 2015
Mother Knows Best State

Postby Galway-Dublin » Thu Feb 23, 2017 8:28 am

[desc]Citizens' Chapel Cultivation Concept, a radical, cult-like religious movement, shocked @@NAME@@ today after it was reported that they had committed a mass, cult-like suicide in the Blackacren city of Bonestown. The amount dead is estimated to be in the hundreds, with a vast majority of them being @@DEMONYMNOUN@@. With reports coming out that the CCCC was based in @@NAME@@ and was recruiting citizens to migrate to Bonestown for the past few months, the public is urging you to come up with a solution to prevent this from happening again.

[option]"How could the government let this happen?" Cries @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, "If the government had stepped in and halted this 'Citizens' Chapel Cultivation Concept' through some sort of surveillance, my son wouldn't be dead in a jungle a thousand miles away! The government must focus on defending its citizenry from wacko cults such as the Citizens' Chapel, even if it means state surveillance of private religious groups with potentially nutty intent! Please, @@LEADER@@, action must be taken against these wackos to prevent this kind of event from again happening!
[effect]baptisms are filmed to subdue cultists
[stats]Authoritarianism increases, civil rights decrease, religiousness decreases, secularism increases(?), government size increases.

[option]"Heresy!" Interrupts @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the order of Violet, donning an unusually red top hat. "Sure, there might be some wacky groups that cite religion to commit atrocities, but I say that those consist of the minority of religious sects! I demand, for my own and for other religious groups, privacy from government encroachment in the name of security!" They walk away, their hat leaving a path with dripping blood.
[effect]the religious group "Mass Death for God" openly preaches killings in chapels around the country
[stats]Probably the exact opposite of option 1's stats, and may increase inclusiveness?

[option]"I don't believe in indiscriminate discrimination either, but we should take passive steps to prevent this kind of atrocity from happening again, be it religiously based or just a cult, here or in Blackacre," migration studies professor @@RANDOMNAME@@ says. "Our records show a surge of migrations to Bonestown in the months leading up to this suicide, around the same time the Citizens' Chapel was promoting migration to the area to establish a commune. We can use migration-based information, coupled with a teeny bit of surveillance in the future to stop citizens from meeting potentially lethal ends in foreign lands. This further has the potential to be used to forcefully dissolve organizations that push for crimes like these. That way, we're not targeting religion in general, but nutty cults in general. Use this method, and we'll never see another disaster like this again." They return to their desk and nonchalantly put on a tinfoil hat.
[effect]@@DEMONYMNOUN@@ myface groups for trips to Barryworld are regularly shut down by the government for "security purposes"
[stats]Authoritarianism increases, civil rights decrease(?), government size increases.
Last edited by Galway-Dublin on Thu Feb 23, 2017 2:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
LoveisLove

Author of issue 674: Let them eat rainbow cake!

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The 19th Century
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Founded: Apr 11, 2015
Capitalist Paradise

Postby The 19th Century » Fri Feb 24, 2017 1:00 pm

I don't think @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ is the macro you're looking for. The one in the [desc] should be plural or adjective, and the line about the MyFace groups should have the adjective version.

It's a pretty good idea for an issue, though.


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