Recruitment Help

[Holy Roman Empires2]

Our region just got its first 5000 stamps and we really don't want to blow it, so I'm turning to the forums. So, please give some critiques and advise on this proposed telegram:

Hey there, greetings from your friendly neighborhood Foreign Minister!

You are invited to join our Honorable and fun region where participate in our regional activities! We are open to new nations, the more the merrier! You may find us as a minor region, but we are pretty active and welcoming in RPs, Lores and even random posts and chats in Discord. We also have a regional government, headed by our Emperor Holy Roman Empires2, however you can also join the Senate by being elected, create political parties, joining in on all fun!

Whether you want to roleplay dominating the world, or through the pen, join the halls of politics, or just hang out this us the place. If you're sold, click the button below!
[Button]

Is it too short? Not catchy enough? Just right? I'm too biased to answer these questions, so here you go.

[Comfed]

Hey there, %NATION%, greetings from your friendly neighborhood Foreign Minister!

You are invited to join our Honorable and fun region where participate in our regional activities! We are open to new nations, the more the merrier! You may find us as a minor region, but we are pretty active and welcoming in RPs, Lores and even random posts and chats in Discord. We also have a regional government, headed by our Emperor Holy Roman Empires2, however you can also join the Senate by being elected, create political parties, joining in on all fun!

Whether you want to roleplay dominating the world, or through the pen, join the halls of politics, or just hang out this us the place. If you're sold, click the button below!

I’ve made one change, to add the macro that returns the recipient nation’s name.

[Refuge Isle]

Hey there, %NATION%, greetings from your friendly neighborhood Foreign Minister!

You are invited to join our Honorable and fun region where participate in our regional activities! We are open to new nations, the more the merrier! You may find us as a minor region, but we are pretty active and welcoming in RPs, Lores and even random posts and chats in Discord. We also have a regional government, headed by our Emperor Holy Roman Empires2, however you can also join the Senate by being elected, create political parties, joining in on all fun!

Whether you want to roleplay dominating the world, or through the pen, join the halls of politics, or just hang out this us the place. If you're sold, click the button below!

I’ve made one change, to add the macro that returns the recipient nation’s name.

It should definitely be noted that the nation macro only parses if it's sent from a template, not sent directly.

Recruitment templates are sent to tag:template (with the recruitment box checked).

To the content of the message, grammar errors notwithstanding I see nothing wrong with it, but I'm not personally moved by it. That doesn't necessarily mean that someone else will not be, though. Imo the recruitment message you send has a lot to do with what kind of folks you are interested in finding, so there's a lot of flexibility in what can be acceptable. There's some regions that send massive, massive telegrams and burn out anyone without the attention span to get through them. Messages like those get a lower rate of respondents, but possibly receive more members who will be more interested in staying around long-term. Mine tend to be shorter and outline what I think the most important attributes are for my region. I wouldn't want to read much more than what's in mine, at any rate

Were I a new nation, I would want to know:

• What's the general theme and vibe of your region
• What's going on there which you can't get somewhere else?

The content of your telegram tells me that your region has:

• where participate in our regional activities (what?)
• a regional RP (okay good, can you talk more about it?)
• a discord (most regions do)
• a government/leader (I would certainly hope so)
• some sort of system involving a senate (unclear what this entails)

If you're interested in researching different recruitment strategies, make a new nation and see what kind of recruitment telegrams you receive. Examine how they are constructed.

[Holy Roman Empires2]

Thanks both of you!