Always Dependable News: You Heard It Here First!

[The Independent Post]

News you can count on to be always accurate, clearly unbiased, and 100% fair to everyone!

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The sensitive nature of these very accurate, completely true articles means that there might be controversy generated. Keep in mind that we only report the truest news, discerned by top-quality investigators, and we promise we didn't get our very factual information from any of the usual sources. Everything published is the [violet]-honest truth. If we wrote it, you can count on it!

Any and all events will be fresh, new, and not already in the rumor mill. If they are, we'll be firing the staff and replacing it with something more reliable. Our agents are everywhere -- your friends, your NS family, and your super secret servers -- so don't worry about leaking all of your important news. We do it for you! Gameplay deserves to hear everything that happens ever. Make sure it happens by accidentally leaking your secrets so we can publish them.

You heard it here first, folks! Better improve your intelligence networks if you really want to compete with us.

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Releases To Date:
Issue #1: TBA

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Disclaimer:
This is a satirical paper, so please read this subtext to fully enjoy content. Any and all mentions of players are intended to be fictionalized parodies of current situations based very, very loosely on some reality. Any and all logs released are 100% fictional and are not intended to malign any players. This is not intended to take any side in any event, nor is it to generate controversy, so please move all drama regarding said event and everyone involved over to one of the relevant super serious threads.

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Thanks for reading!

[The Independent Post]

The Pacific Bans Ever-Wandering Souls: T o x i c i t y abounds!

We received a leak from personnel of the New Pacific Order that something has finally been done about that menace, EWS! Why would we call him a menace, you ask? Why would yet another feeder attempt to ban this prominent young raider? Most importantly, just what is he accused of doing this time?

Always Dependable News can answer this question with a log from ultra-secret raider Discord channel #evil-raider-command-center earlier today:

Warning, these are deeply disturbing. We’re warning you. It is not pretty.

Souls Today at 11:28 AM
I’m in a good mood today because I kicked a puppy.
Koth Today at 11:28 AM
Kek.
Why?
Souls Today at 11:29 AM
For the same reason we’re all raiders, Koth.
Because we take our joy from the demise of the innocent!

The New Pacific Order, always a bastion of transparent due process, promptly made the decision to ban EWS upon receiving this log for obvious OOC toxicity…toxicity to poor, innocent puppies. The NPO is currently preparing to announce this, but ADN felt that we needed to bring the news first! We operate by the standards of WWCD (What Would Cormac Do), which means all opsec information we come across is guaranteed to be in one of our articles.

The super official statement which is going to be released to the public at some point someday eventually maybe probably not, authored by the controversial Tribune of the NPO, Pergamon, reads as below:

“He kicked some puppies, who gives a fuck? OOC toxic, who gives a fuck? I ban people even if they haven't done shit. Because I can. And the best thing about it is? Everyone is used to it.

Pacifican standard: Userite banned.

Pergamon, mad scientist Tribune of the New Pacific Order”

As you can see, puppy-kicking in The Pacific is not tolerated, and there is no other reason they would ever ban anyone. OOC toxicity, as you read above, is the reason why EWS was banned. That is absolutely what it says.

Now, as everyone knows, recently EWS has escaped bans from many other regions by sheer stubborn will and logical arguments. The most recent escape from regional justice (or, as he would call it, injustice) was found in The South Pacific. His persuasive skills shall not absolve him from this greater crime, however, for the NPO believes puppy-kickers must be punished. Well, we think they think that. We definitely got that impression frommad scientistTribune Pergamon earlier.

What we uncovered today, however…EWS absolutely cannot be allowed to continue this spree. What we do in an online game clearly makes a difference in his real life, so make sure to take a stand against OOC puppy-kicking toxicity!

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On Toxicity in Regions:

For further information on what OOC toxicity as cited above really is, ask Regional Administrator Glen-Rhodes:

Glen-Rhodes Today at 7:45 AM
You want to know what OOC toxic is? Tim and Escade. We had to ban them.
OOC toxic is what we say it is.
You don’t question administration. Administration is infallible.

For an alternate take on OOC toxicity, ask Timscade themselves:

Tim Last Tuesday at 6:27 PM
You want OOC bad? GR.
He wants to break up friendships. smh.

Escade Last Wednesday at 4:45 PM
Glenn is like the real toxicity in this game
He's so bad he makes my nail polish peel

As you can see, everyone here agrees on the definition of OOC toxicity. If you disagree with someone, they’re clearly toxic. If you agree with someone, the people criticizing them are toxic. What we learned here today is that everyone has a point of view and the situation is exactly what they claim it is, no matter what the full situation actually was that led to any given controversial event.

Remember, everyone, that you can totally accept one side of the story without considering the other side. This is definitely ok in today’s society.

Don’t forget EWS puppy-kicking, though. Don’t forget what really matters here.

[Kuriko]

This is just stupid, and I can really see it going into bad territory no matter what disclaimers you put up

[Jar Wattinree]

"EWS" sounds like there's a "Evil Wolf Souls" running around the place.

[Cosmopolitan borovan]

Not funny

[Tim-Opolis]

I think what annoys me most is I recognize the writing style, but I can't be arsed to compare style and figure out who you are until you release an article more worthwhile.

[Malphe]

*grabs popcorn*
Should be fun.

[Feux]

Not funny

Not even half baked funny. Everything is poorly done, and half of everyone is going to be confused when they read this. All the references to OOC activity is in terribly poor taste too.

[Scardino]

Triggered by "ADN".

"EWS" sounds like there's a "Evil Wolf Souls" running around the place.

He's not dead yet!

For the record, Lone Wolves United takes no stance on puppy kicking.

[Salvarity]

I think what annoys me most is I recognize the writing style, but I can't be arsed to compare style and figure out who you are until you release an article more worthwhile.

Yeeeah, pretty much this.

I like satire and at least attempts to be funny, but this was trying way too hard and came across as incredibly hamfisted.

[Kyorgia]

you should write more so i can look at the rest of GP complaining

[Malphe]

you should write more so i can look at the rest of GP complaining

Seconded.

[Kurnugia]

Is not sure what I've even read

[Ever-Wandering Souls]

Normally, I take satire pretty well. This time though...I don't know, I smell faint scraps of something amusing, but then it just smells off after that.

[Unibot III]

As a curious aside, WWCD is actually a code in the Canadian Prime Minister’s Office for “What Would Chretien Do.” It’s used all the time by both parties.

[The Church of Satan]

The satire here needs more imagination and effort. I feel as though the writer hasn't tried very hard.

[Ever-Wandering Souls]

The satire here needs more imagination and effort. I feel as though the writer hasn't tried very hard.

Or was trying too hard.

[Consular]

Satire can be hard to do well. Practice more, you might get better

[Cosmopolitan borovan]

Looks easy for Jon Stewart

[Sancta Romana Ecclesia]

Ok, doing satire right is hard.

I am no authority on satire, but I have some experience in running an NS newspaper. The way I would do something similar, would be to take some event that is already silly and make it more ridiculous by adding an even sillier explanation for the event. Real, but out of context, quotes are also a good way to do this.

I think you were going for something like the above, but overdone it. I don't consider all my satire articles all that funny either, here I'm just trying to comment without repeating what was said already.

[Klaus Devestatorie]

I can't figure out what the punchlines are supposed to be. Unless you're punching puppies, too.