The Roman Empire

[Ever-Wandering Souls]

>>hit with a stick

>>Dāvus īrātus baculum arripit et Getam baculō verberat.

>>High school flashbacks

>>Sextus molestus

Ave!

[Tim-Opolis]

>>hit with a stick

>>Dāvus īrātus baculum arripit et Getam baculō verberat.

>>High school flashbacks

>>Sextus molestus

Ave!

Please get your raeda out of my fossa. My man Sextus needs to run from wolves!

[Roavin]

And once again, a TRE report makes me RL laugh.

I, for one, approve of making "hit with stick" a thing, always without the article of course.

[Marilyn Manson Freaks]

Haha. Great report, Rome!

[Festavo the Enigma]

These last few reports have been hilarious, cute, or like a combination of all three

I can assure you the very last thing I have in my mind when writing a report is "I want to make it cute"

[NorthernPalestine]

These last few reports have been hilarious, cute, or like a combination of all three

I can assure you the very last thing I have in my mind when writing a report is "I want to make it cute"

Stop resisting festo, I have pictures of you writing this report:

[Festavo the Enigma]

I can assure you the very last thing I have in my mind when writing a report is "I want to make it cute"

Stop resisting festo, I have pictures of you writing this report:

Lies! Deception!

[Festavo the Enigma]

(The Emperor contemplates his life and his Empire after being disappointed once again by his own people.)

*Emperor Plagentine is sitting on his throne holding a golden chalice of mulsum and contemplating his existence*
Optio HC: My Emperor, would you like to venture out and hunt for more barbarian villages to enlighten to our ways?

Emperor Plagentine: Is it even worth it anymore? *gulps mulsum* Is any of it worth it anymore?

Optio HC: Of course, sir. There are still many barbarians out there in need of enlightenment.

Emperor Plagentine: Cut the crap, HC. You are my best and most loyal soldier, but these new recruits are horrible. It's fucking depressing.

Optio HC: We can try it again. I'm sure they'll learn this time. We just have to try.

Emperor Plagentine: Oh cut the PBS cartoon bullshit, HC. It won't be developed for over a millenium but even I can see through that shit.

Optio HC: You're right. It's hopeless.

Emperor Plagentine: It's hopeless? What the fuck did you say that for?! *throws his chalice of mulsum at HC* You are supposed to reassure me goddammit!!!

Optio HC: I am sorry. I have sinned against you.

Emperor Plagentine: You are forgiven. I shouldn't have lashed out. We will try it again. Ready the horses and gather the troops.

Optio HC: Yes, sir.

*Emperor Plagentine gets up from his throne and pours himself one final chalice of mulsum before turning to the camera and breaking the fourth wall*

Emperor Plagentine: If I have to deal with another idiot who hits things with a stick I am going to personally slit his damn throat and let him bleed out in front of the rest of the troops as a warning. I'm sick of dealing with lesser men. I really don't ask for much. I just ask for basic competence and loyalty. Unconditional loyalty. These idiots may be loyal, but they couldn't wipe their own ass without a step by step tutorial. *gulps down the mulsum* Here we go again.

*A day's journey later the Emperor and his Legionaries approach the first unconqeured barbarian village*

Emperor Plagentine: There are no guards here. This should be pretty simple to do. *points to one of the Munifexes* Hey, I need you to shoot a flaming arrow at each of the huts to draw them outside so we can round them up all at once. You can't fuck this up.

Munifex: I hit wi-

Emperor Plagentine: DON'T FUCKING SAY IT!

Munifex: Ok.

*The Munifex lines up his shot and shoots the flaming arrow at the first of the huts. The arrow lands on target and the hut begins to smoke and burn.*

Emperor Plagentine: Good work. Now hit the others ones and do it fast.

Munifex: K

*The Munifex begins riding towards the first hut he lit on fire*

Emperor Plagentine: HC, what in the fuck is he doing?

Optio HC: I have no idea, sir.

Emperor Plagentine: Get back here, soldier!

*The Munifex rides back up to the Emperor holding in his hand the flaming arrow he shot at the hut. The barbarians are now aware of the Romans and are fleeing.*

Emperor Plagentine: What are you doing?

Munifex: I needed to get my arrow back.

Emperor Plagentine: Why?

Munifex: I like it and want to use it again.

Emperor Plagentine: You can't. You need to use different arrows.

Munifex: Oh. Well I think I can do it just fine this way.

*The Emperor's face is beginning to turn red as his very heart and soul are being consumed by rage. He unsheaths his sword and jumps off his horse to lunge at the Munifex, killing him with his blade.*

Emperor Plagentine: There! I'm sick of this shit. We are handling this alone, HC. *wipes his bloody blade off on the dead Munifex's armor*

The Emperor is currently available as he is currently locked in his throne room alone with all the mulsum in the palace dealing with a bout of depression. His faith in humanity is broken and he is contemplating the purpose of his very existence. We are confident he will pull through and be better than ever. In the meantime, all sticks are banned in Rome. Despite these direct attacks on our will and spirit by the gods (or defenders), the Empire grows more each day and yesterday was no different. Optio HC took the lead while the possibly intoxicated Emperor accompanied him to capture 25 barbarian territories. Ave Roma!

The Emperor and his Love:
Emperor Plagentine
Optio Hired Contractor

The Stickless Territories:
green_is_for_freedom
the_republics_of_southern_africa
derptopia
revolutionary_alien_workers_union
atypical_imperial_nations
genuan_rebirth
olgaria_range
angels_of_hell
uadn
the_huskies
the_gamer_squad
october
diktopia
federation_of_free_sovereign_states
the_quinnun_empire
all_your_base
the_empire_of_the_way
international_roleplay_region
the_hall_of_souls
rc_cola_islands
imperial_commission
lobotopia
ancient_epic_league_of_epicness
attano_but_nationstates
god_glory_and_conservatism

[Vulturret]

(Image)
(The Emperor contemplates his life and his Empire after being disappointed once again by his own people.)

*Emperor Plagentine is sitting on his throne holding a golden chalice of mulsum and contemplating his existence*
Optio HC: My Emperor, would you like to venture out and hunt for more barbarian villages to enlighten to our ways?

Emperor Plagentine: Is it even worth it anymore? *gulps mulsum* Is any of it worth it anymore?

Optio HC: Of course, sir. There are still many barbarians out there in need of enlightenment.

Emperor Plagentine: Cut the crap, HC. You are my best and most loyal soldier, but these new recruits are horrible. It's fucking depressing.

Optio HC: We can try it again. I'm sure they'll learn this time. We just have to try.

Emperor Plagentine: Oh cut the PBS cartoon bullshit, HC. It won't be developed for over a millenium but even I can see through that shit.

Optio HC: You're right. It's hopeless.

Emperor Plagentine: It's hopeless? What the fuck did you say that for?! *throws his chalice of mulsum at HC* You are supposed to reassure me goddammit!!!

Optio HC: I am sorry. I have sinned against you.

Emperor Plagentine: You are forgiven. I shouldn't have lashed out. We will try it again. Ready the horses and gather the troops.

Optio HC: Yes, sir.

*Emperor Plagentine gets up from his throne and pours himself one final chalice of mulsum before turning to the camera and breaking the fourth wall*

Emperor Plagentine: If I have to deal with another idiot who hits things with a stick I am going to personally slit his damn throat and let him bleed out in front of the rest of the troops as a warning. I'm sick of dealing with lesser men. I really don't ask for much. I just ask for basic competence and loyalty. Unconditional loyalty. These idiots may be loyal, but they couldn't wipe their own ass without a step by step tutorial. *gulps down the mulsum* Here we go again.

*A day's journey later the Emperor and his Legionaries approach the first unconqeured barbarian village*

Emperor Plagentine: There are no guards here. This should be pretty simple to do. *points to one of the Munifexes* Hey, I need you to shoot a flaming arrow at each of the huts to draw them outside so we can round them up all at once. You can't fuck this up.

Munifex: I hit wi-

Emperor Plagentine: DON'T FUCKING SAY IT!

Munifex: Ok.

*The Munifex lines up his shot and shoots the flaming arrow at the first of the huts. The arrow lands on target and the hut begins to smoke and burn.*

Emperor Plagentine: Good work. Now hit the others ones and do it fast.

Munifex: K

*The Munifex begins riding towards the first hut he lit on fire*

Emperor Plagentine: HC, what in the fuck is he doing?

Optio HC: I have no idea, sir.

Emperor Plagentine: Get back here, soldier!

*The Munifex rides back up to the Emperor holding in his hand the flaming arrow he shot at the hut. The barbarians are now aware of the Romans and are fleeing.*

Emperor Plagentine: What are you doing?

Munifex: I needed to get my arrow back.

Emperor Plagentine: Why?

Munifex: I like it and want to use it again.

Emperor Plagentine: You can't. You need to use different arrows.

Munifex: Oh. Well I think I can do it just fine this way.

*The Emperor's face is beginning to turn red as his very heart and soul are being consumed by rage. He unsheaths his sword and jumps off his horse to lunge at the Munifex, killing him with his blade.*

Emperor Plagentine: There! I'm sick of this shit. We are handling this alone, HC. *wipes his bloody blade off on the dead Munifex's armor*

The Emperor is currently available as he is currently locked in his throne room alone with all the mulsum in the palace dealing with a bout of depression. His faith in humanity is broken and he is contemplating the purpose of his very existence. We are confident he will pull through and be better than ever. In the meantime, all sticks are banned in Rome. Despite these direct attacks on our will and spirit by the gods (or defenders), the Empire grows more each day and yesterday was no different. Optio HC took the lead while the possibly intoxicated Emperor accompanied him to capture 25 barbarian territories. Ave Roma!

The Emperor and his Love:
Emperor Plagentine
Optio Hired Contractor

The Stickless Territories:
green_is_for_freedom
the_republics_of_southern_africa
derptopia
revolutionary_alien_workers_union
atypical_imperial_nations
genuan_rebirth
olgaria_range
angels_of_hell
uadn
the_huskies
the_gamer_squad
october
diktopia
federation_of_free_sovereign_states
the_quinnun_empire
all_your_base
the_empire_of_the_way
international_roleplay_region
the_hall_of_souls
rc_cola_islands
imperial_commission
lobotopia
ancient_epic_league_of_epicness
attano_but_nationstates
god_glory_and_conservatism

Great report!

[Samsonyte]

You really don't need to quote the whole report, Vult. I think we know what you're talking about.

[Revall]

I hope stickguy returns

[Plagentine]

The triumphant Roman troops arriving back to the city

After an occupation which lasted three weeks and was uninterrupted by outside barbarian forces, United Islands was finally locked down and the natives were exterminated or enslaved. A small barracks of Roman troops remain to guard the region while the bulk of the army returns to their original posts, and the integration of the conquered territory as a proper province slowly begins. The occupation peaked with around 74 endorsements on the delegate and over 40 Romans deployed by the estimates of our experts.

We greatly appreciate the help from our friends in The Land of Kings and Emperors, Balder, The Black Hawks, The Galactic Order and later from The Dark Vanquishers and H Y D R A. Thanks to their support the defenders were not able to get even close to our trenches, as the mere presence of this many troops made the barbarians shake in their boots.

An interesting thing to note is that during the occupation the old native Delegate defected to our side, and is now an enlisted member of our military. We welcome Munifex Aeternitatia into our ranks and look forward to seeing him in action as barbarian bodies pile up behind him.

The old piling reward system has also been restarted, and all troops who have participated in the occupation have been awarded the United Islands Eagle of Conquest, which they may put in their signature or dispatch.



Ave Roma!

[Gibraltarica]

Good work, TRE. Always impressive.

[Marilyn Manson Freaks]

Beautiful.

[Ever-Wandering Souls]

Congrats on avoiding all the libs going around. You got lucky the night they got ours - if defenders could switch, yours probably would have gone down too Glad we could join the party late and give you an extra margin in the end though.

[Vulturret]

Nice work!

[Roavin]

Congrats on avoiding all the libs going around. You got lucky the night they got ours - if defenders could switch, yours probably would have gone down too Glad we could join the party late and give you an extra margin in the end though.

Defenders can't switch?

[North East Somerset]

Good work on a well executed mission. Ave Roma!

[Plagentine]

Last major the Roman Empire hosting a bidding session for barbarians and semi-civilized people from around the world, attracting many different nobles who were eager to spend their hard stoleearned golden coins on pieces of art made by renowned Roman painters and sculptors.

Throughout the update intense bidding wars were sparked, and open conflicts broke out between bidders, however those were shortly calmed down by Roman guards and their sneakily position Scorpions on the stage. In the end, 37 items were sold to the highest bidders, with the highlight of the evening(morning for civilized people) being a barbarian who bought a masterpiece of a report for 110 million denarii.

The artist himself was deeply confused on how the report even made it to the auction, let alone how it was sold for such a price, but was not eager to comment against it and took his portion of the earning with a smile on his face. The barbarian who bought the report seemed content with his new piece, and later departed to spend more money and cause inflation in Egypt.

Oh ye btw also the update kinda sucks again D^:<




Troops involved:
Emperor Plagentine
Optio Hired Contractor II

Regions enriched:
esti
haunted forest
corneria
the protectorate and the starry skies
westlyvania
aurbis
the bluesteel legion
the national socialist states
anubis
cynical dictatorships of the third world
Unitys Alliance
the holy nations
wartime
the marxist leninist union
medieval kingdoms
waltonfeld
the ondo demilitarised zone
overobserve
we need a sandvich
lonely
beanieboyszoomzoomzoom
the underwater utopia of rlyeh
patrora
vodka union
naval air station albareiks
the company
commonwealth of the former lordship
soviet space bees
the unity league
deplanet
ns memorial to jewish front soldiers
new paramount federation
The Imperial Allies
kittens rule
lobotopia
new exodus

Ave Roma!

[Vulturret]

Great work! Nice of you to tag with us at minor as well.

[Plagentine]

THE BARBARIANS ARE SWARMING YOUR BORDERS!

WILL YOU FIGHT, OR WILL YOU DIE LIKE A DOG?

GO TO YOUR NEAREST COMMISSARIAT OF ROMANIZATION AND SIGN UP TO DEFEND THE MOTHERLAND!

LAST MAJOR, THE UNSTOPPABLE RED LEGIONS OF ROME BURNED THROUGH 51 BARBARIAN STRONGHOLDS, LEAVING NO ENEMIES OF THE FREE PEOPLE BEHIND!

BUT THEY CAN NOT DO IT ALONE, JOIN THEM AND SPREAD PEACE!

SPREAD THE WORD OF SUPREME DEAR COMMISSAR-CHAIRMAN-CONSUL-SECRETARY-IMPERATOR PLAGENTINE AND COLLECTIVIZE THE GRAIN STOLEN FROM THE PEOPLE BY THE GREY KULAKS!

THE STREETS MUST BE LITTERED WITH THE TAGS OF THE FOUNDERLESS!

DO NOT LISTEN TO ENEMY PROPAGANDA, AND REMEMBER, EVIL MUST NO PREVAIL!



Brave Revolutionaries:
Consul-Chairman Plagentine
Comrade Lieutenant Hired Contractor II

Factories seized:
union of christian anarchists
The Imperial Coalition for Unity
Helvati Union
The Fifth Communist International
the war room
the ceo
tim
western north america
Sukeov Pact
memeville
lux aeterna
Logarithmica
river falls high school kool kids klub
cole laund
that one region over there
Stelmar
west coast best coast
Wusteland
the americans realm
the city of rapture
ibreria
ASU
united federations
The Overwatched States of The Kabar
United Territory Coalition
union of slavic socialistic republics
yiterra
independent post nuclear union
the twisted few
the confederacy of kingdoms
Pallidonia
the grand community of nations
revolutionary union
karaz ankor
infinity and beyond
Asteria
war filled islands
deus vultia
azerupt
Association of South East Asian Nations
the united empires of new rome
umbrella corporation
fairy peak
zemilid
the allied regions of the united nations
the silent states
the capitalist republic
pouncing ocelots
alliance of nations aon
equatoria
cog nation

Raiders of the world unite!

[Roavin]

I'm a 30 year old guy at work and I'm uncontrollably giggling over this report.

[Pergamon]

Okay, kudos to you guys. You made the Perg laugh.

[Fauxia]

Just remember, the Romans may have the upper hand right now, but history will repeat itself eventually

[Festavo the Enigma]

(Legatus Kyorgia reads the intercepted letter sent by a naive barbarian to the Grey Warden leader in a futile attempt to pass on a report of what he witnessed.)

Hello Roavin, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a softly softly creeping
Left his tag while I was sleeping
And the propaganda that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of raiding

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the shadow of a raider camp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a Roman sword
That split my wife
And touched the sound of raiding

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand Romans, maybe more
People raiding without speaking
People jumping without listening
People setting sleepers they never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of raiding

“Fool” said he, “You do not know
Natives like a cancer grow
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But his words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the sound of raiding

And the Romans bowed and prayed
To the Emperor they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said “The words of the Romans
Are written on the raided WFEs
And native RMBs
And whispered in the sounds of raiding”
Legatus Kyorgia took the lead on an expedition to claim more land for the Empire today, resulting in the capture of 17 barbarian lands. The Emperor, still depressed by the inferior stick loving recruits he has been forced to train, demanded that the journey be conducted in complete silence. However, the journey was not silent as the sound of raiding could be heard loud and clear throughout the lands.

The Romans:
Legatus Kyorgia
Emperor Plagentine

More Claimed Lands for the Empire:
god_glory_and_conservatism
the_south_pantry
order_of_the_democratic_states
imperial_powers
the_east_indian_ocean
gayism
rose_meadows
batasun_union
comfy_bitch_nation
waldonia
mao_zedong_fanfic
emacity_gateway
medditerania
the_battletech_universe
east_asires
truly_anarchy
united_burandan_nations