The Roman Empire

[Plagentine]

African-Roman sleeper agent Talico standing between Optio Vac and Emperor Plagentine

I hear Romans marching tonight
Going south of Sicily for a nice relaxing vacation
They're coming in to make it right
The legion brings cultural enrichment from the Latin nation
They fought some Berbers on the way
And hired the remnants to help them capture Tripoli
Scipio turned as if to say, "Hurry boys, more land's waiting there for you"

It's gonna take a lot to stop me from raiding you
There's nothing that Hannibal's bold war could ever do
Gods bless the raids down in Africa
Gonna take you some time to repopulate this land

The war dogs cry out in the fight
As they run face first, charging into some mercenary company
In a just a bit they take flight
Running away, lured into a trap, encircled and to be slaughtered by the Hastati
Leaving Carthage clear inside, rubble and ash all will become

It's gonna take a lot to stop me from raiding you
There's nothing that Hannibal's bold war could ever do
Gods bless the raids down in Africa
Gonna take you some time to repopulate this land

Hurry boys, more land's waiting there for you

It's gonna take a lot to stop me from raiding you
There's nothing that Hannibal's bold war could ever do
Gods bless the raids down in Africa
Gods bless the raids down in Africa
Gods bless the raids
Gods bless the raids down in Africa
Gods bless the raids
Gods bless the raids down in Africa
Gods bless the raids down in Africa

Ah, gonna take you time
Gonna take you some time to repopulate this land



After consulting with the priests about the omens and making sacrifices, the Romans depart Italy and sail for Africa, accompanied by the forces of The Black Hawks and the Europeian Navy. Despite the low turnout caused by unexpectedly pushing the operation from Sunday minor to the next major, they managed to capture the region and then shortly after receive ample reinforcements. At the current moment the endorsement count on the delegate stands at 57, of which around 23 are confirmed as Roman, and continues to rise with the additional help from The Galactic Order, Fire Nation, and H Y D R A.

There have been many native experts in Africa claiming the operation is very beneficial to the region as it has brought in an abundance of CULTURAL ENRICHMENT which Rome exports every day. We would also like to say officially that those are indeed native experts and not at all our own sleeper agents. There has also been a huge increase in paved roads and aqueducts within the region, and all of the citizens are getting free mandatory Latin lessons! Woo!

Hurried Boys:
Decurion Talico - point
Emperor Plagentine - trigger
Legatus Festavo the Enigma
Primus Pilus Thorn1000
Optio Vaculatestar1
Optio Chelvo

Cool Sailors:
Admiral Calvin Coolidge
Midshipman Grilled and Poached
Mate Verty

Black Feather People:
Head of Training/Lieutenant Raionitu
Corporal Utsuho

Ave Roma!

[Roavin]

I literally RL LOL'd at that report. Here is a nice cover to sing the lyrics to.

Also, I'm not sure peeps appreciate the thematic elements you bring into your reports enough:

There has also been a huge increase in paved roads and aqueducts within the region, and all of the citizens are getting free mandatory Latin lessons!

[Mostly Benevolent Tyranny]

Magnificent! These are hilarious, impressively well done thematically, and always something I look forward to when reading reports!

[Ever-Wandering Souls]

In honor of raiding Africa in Max Barry's NationStates, may I remind everyone that there exists a Max Barry from Senegal, Africa, that sings. Don't believe me?

[Plagentine]

Roman bullets running faster than barbarians, circa 100BC

Romans conquering land
They'll put you in a tomb, it's all according to plan
Even without a trebuchet
Cities falling down as the empire spreads
Yeah, they're building the aqueducts
In new provinces, they're bringing cool things
They even brought baths
Next they'll bring it to you, yeah they'll bring it to you

Barbarians with sticks hid behind mud bricks
You better run, better run, from the romans
Barbarians with sticks hid behind mud bricks
You better run, better run, faster than equites
Barbarians with sticks hid behind mud bricks
You better run, better run, from the romans
Barbarians with sticks hid behind mud bricks
You better run, better run, faster than equites


Roman legionary enjoying his time off with some spaghetti and fenda wine

Experts from around the Empire are saying that the production of wine, specifically from the fendacus greyus grape, has skyrocketted over the past couple weeks and has lead to historic rise in festivals and celebrations. Despite the many rumors we have heard of the barbarians diligently watching for raiders during updates, the Romans felt lonely this update as they breezed through villages and expanding the empire in a casual training raid. However they were rewarded with heavenly bolognese and slightly sour wine once they returned home, with the tattered banners of 9 conquered tribes.

Troops Involved:
Emperor Plagentine
Signifier The Knights of Julius

Regions hit:
universa
Conventio libertas
eyes of death
remnants
Gentlemen Club
baseballrmb
stobat
White Hawks
Hypnagogic Death

Ave Roma!

[Roland Prime]

good job, guys.

[Festavo the Enigma]

(Emperor Plagentine working it in between calling GO.)

Oh! Let's go!

Kleo looks warily on his screen
With his brightness turned way down low
Ain't no sound but the sound of a native scream
Switchers ready to go.

Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this?
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?
Out of the update the triggers rip
To the sound of the raid

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you, too
Another one bites the dust

The glorious Emperor took 2 loyal and very proud Romans out onto the battlefield today in an effort to find a Queen to give our ruler some love and companionship. We thoroughly searched 15 villages for a suitable specimen and found none. We couldn't let these villages go unpunished for failing to please the mighty Empire so we pillaged the village, took the useful villagers as prisoner, and left the weak and useless for dead. Cultural enrichment and enlightenment comes at a price.

The Ones Ready For This:
Emperor Plagentine
Legatus Festavo The Enigma
Signifier Byroms

The Ones That Bit The Dust:
crunchier
waifuland
the_league_of_lydian
truly_anarchy
the_glorious_fourth_reich
chimera_controlled_earth
the_danish_colonies
stat_heist
rdg_greece
reogeanposd
tree_otter_land
the_grand_imperial_eagle
zemilid
stropetys
trump_international_golf_club

[Mostly Benevolent Tyranny]

Congratulations! When's the wedding?

[Festavo the Enigma]

Congratulations! When's the wedding?

The barbarians let us down again. We could not find a single suitable bride.

[Roland Prime]

Congratulations! When's the wedding?

The barbarians let us down again. We could not find a single suitable bride.

I'd imagine this is because Kleo is like super hot?

[The North Polish Union]

The barbarians let us down again. We could not find a single suitable bride.

I'd imagine this is because Kleo is like super hot?

Can confirm.

[Plagentine]

The barbarians let us down again. We could not find a single suitable bride.

I'd imagine this is because Kleo is like super hot?

Are you implying that the Emperor's figure is anything less than pure perfection?

[Roland Prime]

No, Overlord. You are perfect.

[Festavo the Enigma]

(The two proud Roman warriors examing the aftermath of another domination on the battlefield.)

I'm desperate for raiding
Starving for hits
I'm closer to where I started
Pointing for you
I'm raiding even more regions with you
Using all my puppets too
I'm waiting here until you make me move
I'm jumping in a region here with you
Forgetting all my misses
Avoiding the defenders
I'll take your delegacy
You take all of me
I'm raiding even more regions with you
Using all my puppets too
I'm waiting here until you make me move
I'm jumping in a region here with you

The Dynamic Duo:
Legatus Kyorgia
Decurion Ocilat

The Dominated Abominations:
the federation of great leaders
green is for freedom
the economic confederacy of nations
memelandia
new western african union
argentine confederation
the river valley
mr rodgers neighborhood
galactic council
glasgow city

[Plagentine]

Plagentine reaching the 9th dimension of rage as he waits for a target to update 9 minutes late

The Romans went out for a jog this major update in preparation for the winter Olympics but didn't end up running far as they got caught in some very muddy terrain. As targets that were supposed to be 50 seconds apart ended up being 2-5 minutes apart the Romans gave up after almost 30 minutes and 11 miles of running in full military gear. Legends say that the roman soldier Thornicus turned blonde from sheer rage and determination, while some of the other soldiers were seen making voodoo dolls of site admins and stabbing them with needles. How this practice passed on to the Romans remains an elusive mystery, much like a fully functioning update. Not all hope is lost though as a sleep deprived Plagentine goes to sacrifice his first born son to the Gods with the intention of appeasing them so that they may finally grant him easy passage through the taglands.

Troops Involved:
Emperor Plagentine
Primus Pilus Thorn1000
Optio Vaculatestar1
Munifex Western Demonta Kies
Hired Contractor Hired Contractor II from Hired Contractors

Regions peacefully enriched:
The Community of Grass Eating
the galaga flats
very nice place
subsaharan asia
the peoples leader
gratis
the outskirts
vvv
alternis mundi
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
gucci gang

ave roma and stuff

[Aurum Raider]

How this practice passed on to the Romans remains an elusive mystery, much like a fully functioning update.

Easily the highlight of this post

[Vaculatestar64]

How this practice passed on to the Romans remains an elusive mystery, much like a fully functioning update.

Easily the highlight of this post

It was. I actually lol'd when I read it.

[Plagentine]

Plagentine striking a pose before wrestling a barbarian in the Colosseum

The crowd was cheering on while another dead body was being dragged from the battle area, leaving a trail of blood behind it. Not a single gladiator that day was able to beat the 15 feet tall monstrous barbarian from the north, and he had already killed a dozen experienced fighters with no effort at all. The crowd was ready to see the barbarian slaughter yet another unfortunate man until they started hearing a terrifying, high pitched chant getting louder and closer from the eastern gate. Everyone quieted down...

"I'm ready!"

"I'm ready!"

"I'm ready!"

"I'm ready!"

"I'm ready!"

"I'm ready!"

"I'M READY!"


Kyorgia, the most feared gladiator this side of the Rubicon, arrives into the arena

The crowd knew what would happen once they saw the fearsome warrior approach, but their eyes still widened and completely focused on him, not wanting to miss any of it. Kyorgia stepped out of his chariot, and faced the confused barbarian. Withouth even enough time for the savage to blink , kyorgia teleported behind him and said "Nothing personnel, [dolphin noises].^TM" before decapitating him with a swift and precise kick. While Kyorgia was still floating in slow motion, the blood started to spurt out of the barbarians open neck, and the decapitated head of the managed to spout out: "N-nani...!!"

Gladiators:
Emperor Plagentine
Legatus Kyorgia
Legatus Festavo the Enigma
Optio Vaculatestar1

Krusty Krabs:
catstantinople
Sukeov Pact
canadian isles
alliance for freedom and democracy
paradigm city
tnwo
neo baltia
occitania
u n s
united commonwealth of alternate nations
parva terra
the nether regions
coalition of galindoan states
the german republic
order of the democratic states

[Mostly Benevolent Tyranny]

How this practice passed on to the Romans remains an elusive mystery, much like a fully functioning update.

Easily the highlight of this post

Pure genius!

[Plagentine]

Romans utilize the death stare against their barbarian foes

Roman scientists have been working tirelessly on figuring out how to create the perfect soldier, managing to get little to no sleep at all because of it. But after weeks and even months, they figured it out. They were using this method for so long without even realizing it, but now they had the power to complete world domination within their grasp. It was so simple, yet so brilliant. Sleeping for less than two hours and then raiding early in the morning while overdosed on caffeine showed an improvement in abilities that was previously thought impossible. It made the soldiers develop a special ability which allowed them to kill their enemies just by staring at them with all their might. And so this major, which is still pretty fucked up in case you were wondering, the Romans stared 32 barbarians to death and then stared at them some more for good measure. The only problem that rose out of this is that they could not stop staring after this, and anyone they glanced at would instantly evaporate. Our researchers tell us they are working tirelessly on solving this problem, while also avoiding to look at each other in the process.

Troops involved:
Emperor Plagentine
Signifier Hired Contractor II
Munifex Holy Sharra Dur

Regions stared at:
new exodus
the southern order of the grey lily
alternis mundi
knobgobbler
napalm land
kyrgyztyzystan
luskardus
northeast west states of the south
council of fanged beasts
aregd
kingston united
magni ordinis
the christian states
the bunker
girbabylon
Chinese Communism Treaty
degenerate bureaucrats
The Kingdom of Freedom
Mediterranea
its 2016 and drake is still doing it
Loopy Lok
carramar
the turtwig swag federation
psychotic pony dictatorships
terra martialis
Power
shg
euernithe
gatehouse by the p2tm
ns dates
keystone cobras region
nozw

Ave Roma!

[Tim-Opolis]

Does the leadership of The Roman Empire have any comment on allowing the player known as Attero back into their region and community in the past day or so?

[Plagentine]

Does the leadership of The Roman Empire have any comment on allowing the player known as Attero back into their region and community in the past day or so?

Oh hi Tim, you're right on schedule! I don't see a reason to comment on something that's essentially a dead horse at this point, but you will be smirking enough to know that out of respect for TBH and their request we've reinstated Attero's ban from the ranks.

[Ever-Wandering Souls]

Does the leadership of The Roman Empire have any comment on allowing the player known as Attero back into their region and community in the past day or so?

Oh hi Tim, you're right on schedule! I don't see a reason to comment on something that's essentially a dead horse at this point, but you will be smirking enough to know that out of respect for TBH and their request we've reinstated Attero's ban from the ranks.

To be fair, it's not really "everyone plz ban dis person now we don't like them" - more noting that, like a handful of others, he is an individual we choose not to touch with a ten foot pole for extensive reasons. You deserve fair reminder of our long-standing policy there, and while you of course can choose to keep 'em...we can choose not to go near 'em. Thank you for considering why this individual is among those we have proscribed in making your choices.

[Tim-Opolis]

Does the leadership of The Roman Empire have any comment on allowing the player known as Attero back into their region and community in the past day or so?

Oh hi Tim, you're right on schedule! I don't see a reason to comment on something that's essentially a dead horse at this point, but you will be smirking enough to know that out of respect for TBH and their request we've reinstated Attero's ban from the ranks.

It's good to hear that The Roman Empire is taking these matters so seriously. There's no smirk, just disappointed that the only reason you chose to do this was for IC reasons rather than community standards.

My sincere thanks to The Black Hawks for finding an avenue of approach that worked.

[Plagentine]

Oh hi Tim, you're right on schedule! I don't see a reason to comment on something that's essentially a dead horse at this point, but you will be smirking enough to know that out of respect for TBH and their request we've reinstated Attero's ban from the ranks.

It's good to hear that The Roman Empire is taking these matters so seriously. There's no smirk, just disappointed that the only reason you chose to do this was for IC reasons rather than community standards.

My sincere thanks to The Black Hawks for finding an avenue of approach that worked.

You're absolutely right, Tim. When I put my emperor-goggles on I don't see people, only endos. Glad someone was finally brave enough to call me out on the mistreatment I put people through just for some increase in weekly text edits on an online book ad.