TL/DR: Derpsy is a very fast tagger. We won some stuff even with the high speed. Tartar Sauce is trippy.
It was almost time to do that fending thang again, but there was a problem: Warden Drake was still pretty sober. Heavy snow had shut down all the taverns early, but there was one spot by the docks that he could always rely on. Drake threw on his winter cloak, strapped up his high boots, took the last swig of vodka, flung the door open, and stumbled out into the storm.
Trudging through the snowdrifts, beard iced over like a yetti, he spotted the yellow glow of the Skippahs' Dock, illuminated in full every now and then by flashes of lightning. An eerie moan rode on the wind as fishing boats twisted in their slips and the pounding surf rubbed icebergs against the piers. This was gonna be a good night.
Drake could barely get the door open from all the snow. A sudden wedge of warmth whisked away the cold as he made it inside. A fire crackled in the great hearth,
"Vinny!"
"Tony!"
"How yah doin? I thought I might see yah tonight!"
"I ran outta liquah..."
"Well, we soytenly can't have yah go out theyah fendin' sobah. Heeyah, bottoms up!"
Tony slid a glass across the bar to Drake, who grabbed it and downed it in one fluid motion.
*Glug glug* "Good stuff, good stuff. Hey!"
He recognized a guy in a grey cloak slumped over a few stools away.
"Tim!"
"Wah???"
Warden Tim didn't look so good. Most guys stacked shot glasses, he popped bottles.
"Yo, we gotta hunt some dahkspahn tonight, ya bettah git ready."
"Wah???"
"Don't bothah", said Tony. "He stahted drinkin 'round 10 I reckin. 10 AM. I'll have him head to Tezde, if he's alive tomorrah."
"Mmmm...Tezde..." Tim trailed off before passing out on the floor.
"You can take me darkspawn hunting if you'd like."
Drake turned around and saw the darndest girl, dressed, if you could call it that, in white.
"It's cold out theyah, and dahkspahn ah pretty dangehous," Drake responded doubhtfully.
"I like a bit of danger, and large swords" she replied, nudging her hair a bit. "Do you want to show me your sword?"
"I do have a pretty lahge swoahd...hey I like yah, what's yah name, do yah know how to fend?"
"I'm Stella, of course I know how to fend."
"Yah ah not exactly dressed for wintah though...I have to leave soon, and theyah's no time to...change."
"I am winter, but you have a point. Why don't you come back after the battle? Here, I have something that might help."
Stella reached into her purse and retrieved a tub of tarter sauce.
"Tahtah saws?" Drake looked on, confused.
"Not just any tarter sauce," she whispered. This is magic tarter sauce. Down it and you'll see!"
"Normally, Drake would have noped it out of there, but he was so drunk that he would probably down gasoline if told it was magic."
"Cheeyahs!"
"Suddenly, the tavern was gone, the snow and storm gone, everything was a whirlwind of space and time, Drake saw smells and tasted colors, he saw pink elephants on parade, heffalumps and woozles, Roavin awake for major, Max Barry fending, Souls raiding, snow in Florida, progress in Mississippi, Russia being conquered in the winter, he saw his past, present, and future all at once, he saw the answer to life, the universe, and everything (42), and then everything went...tropical. He was still in the same town, but the sun was shining, beach gold, palms waving, snow and cold gone.
A giant panda waved at him, motioning to follow. Drake followed as the panda started jogging, then running, then sprinting. Struggling to keep up, Drake unexplainedly arrived at Weishaupt Fortress.
Leading his troops out, decked out in summer gear, Drake sought allies and darkspawn. Allies were plenty, but darkspawn were few. There were just two, but they were fast little rabbitses. Literally rabbitses. The defenders were foxes, and they chased the rabbits out of
https://www.nationstates.net/region=foxy.
A huge, ominous thunderstorm popped up and lightning bolts struck both parties. The derpy darkspawn got faster and faster, shifting shape, turning up the volume, bouncing to the beat. The defenders bounced them out of
https://www.nationstates.net/region=volbeatunion (aye, join here!) and struggled to keep up.
Faster, faster, faster they went, until a new set of darkspawn became penguins, bouncing and sliding, and huddling over their eggs. The dark penguins were sent out of the colony in
https://www.nationstates.net/region=antarctic_alliance.
FASTER FASTER! Now, the originals warped into WWII, blitzing across Europeia, treating the populace as "their little playthings" ruling without fear or favor, stamping out all commerce, except a few enterprising young Europeians with lemonade stands. The defenders became super soldiers with nigh indestructible, boomeranging shields and swept them out of
https://www.nationstates.net/region=the_central_empires.
FASTER FASTER FASTER they were sheep, no goats, no pigs, no cars, no planes, no jellyfish, no ants, no crows...everything went dark.
Drake woke up lying in a massive snowbank in shorts and sandals, with 6 wins and an empty tub of tahtah sawz.