Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2021 7:10 amBest report of all time. Defenders stay winning. 15/10.
Matthew the Man wrote:"EDIT: so i was told i need a title. this is it."
Edit I was told to put a Panda Express header image so here it is:(Image)
So I was telling a story in voice chat earlier, yeah? So back before quarantine started I went to see the Joker with my friends and family, my pal Trevor and my close amigo Montgomery. Now lemme say about Joker, that movie was good. And I’m talking real good. It takes a lot to make someone physically remove themselves from the theater because they’re cringing so hard at some poor bozo on screen delivering jokes to an audience who finds them terrible.
Anyhow, Joker ends and I’m feeling a bit hungry. Montgomery, who is a rather skinny fella thanks to his rapid metabolism, is all like “Heyo Matthew, I’m SUPER (not kinda, SUPER) hungry. Let’s grab a bite.” And now because he said he was hungry, now I’m hungry. So I’m all like “Gotcha campadre, over and out let's get rolling to a dining place.” So I wrangle up my family and my 2 amigos and we squish ourselves into the minivan. At this point I make the executive decision to choose where to eat. Now some context, yeah? Montgomery is a rather picky eater, ever since I met him back in the 4th grade the fool hates almost every food except ravioli for some god awful reason. Like what’s so good about ravioli? Like sure you can stuff some cheese or something in a pasta, mama mia whoopie doo. That’s just a tiny goddamn calzone, just order a goddamn calzone and be done with it! Bigger is better, christ almighty. In Trevor’s case he’ll eat whatever, the human black hole we used to call him.
So with that in mind I says to my dear old father, “Pops let's go to Olive Garden.” Now I know, dear reader, what you’re thinking “matthew thats a dogwater restaurant!” Now to you I say eat my ass, call it grass, and move some switchers to ASS. Yes, I well know how the Garden of Olives is trash but in my defense where else am i supposed to go to satisfy my strange friend’s ravioli appetite? The local italian place we frequented was out of the question ‘cus we were on the edge of town. Why? The movie theater there got recliners while the one on the other side of town doesn’t. Easy as that, I like to feel comfy when I’m watching my movies okay?
So we decide to go to Olive Garden. By this time it's like 6 in the evening and when we get there we realize that the restaurant is closed. Not just for the day, but for good. Like it shut down. And so now I am angry. I just wanted me some goddamn Olive Garden at this point so I’m like, we’re over another town over. So my poor Pops hauls my sorry behind over to the next town over. But since its 6, its rush hour. Now I live in a place with terrible traffic and as you can imagine, we’re in there for a while. Almost an hour long trip for what should be a 15 minute commute. Now I’m angry, I’m seething. Apparently it was disruptive enough that my aunt, who was with us in the minivan, offered to pay for the meal. And you know, when people say “anger gets you nothing?” Well take that, look who got to eat dinner for free! It was me, Matthew.
So we pull up to the Oliver Garden parking lot and for some reason its full. It's almost as if everyone wanted some Olive Garden. To which I say WHy??? I’m here because I gotta be, cus im hungry and im stubborn as a bull with a friend who's got a cripplin addiction to some pasta noodles. So we drive all the way to the store next door, a thrift shop for some vinyl players, and park there. And we get out and we’re walking right. Now you know what they say about mob mentality and how it doesn’t make you think straight? Well that's what happened to me and the boys. We were being hooligans, acting like Olive Garden was a godsend. And so some elderly couple thats in the parking lot with us looks at us strangely. Remember them, they come up later. So we get to Oliver Garden and we get ourselves one of them disks, the vibrating and flashin ones that go off when your table is ready.
Now we got ourselves a group of 8, it's terrible so we gotta wait cus we need them big tables or enough tables to squish together. So we sit there in the waitin room, on our phones and just discuss Joker for like 30 minutes. Had a great conversation during the wait. I was like “man, joaquin phoenix was great” and everyone was like “yeah”.
So our table gets ready and we go to sit down. Now our table is one of the big tables which is why we got relatively fast seating. So we’re out there and we are all gettin situated, some big dude named James comes and is our waiter. He’s asking us for drinks and everyone’s saying a variety of things. Diet Coke, Water, tea, coffee. Now he gets to me and I hit them with the best soda, Dr. Pepper. But alas, he explains that the doc is not in the house. Instead they had with them Mr. Pibb Xtra. Pibb is a disgusting creation and abomination, in fact vanilla coke was preferable. But alas, they had no vanilla or cherry coke so I got what I could get and said yes to Pibb. So James heads out.
He grabs some breadsticks for us. Oh my god breadsticks, Olive garden breadsticks are so goddamn good. I won’t even lie, they’re great but they could use a little more flavor to them. Maybe add a little more garlic or add some cheese? I dont know. Cheese biscuits though, from Red Lobster, good stuff all around. So much better. Lemme say, if breadsticks and cheese biscuits had a food child you know id buy as soon as possible. Im a sucker for gluten.
So im munching away on the breadsticks and i catch this bloke’s eye. Like he’s looking real familiar and i realize, its another one of my boy called Aaron. So i get up and hobble over to Big A and am all like “sup my homie”. Now Aaron is one of my IRL friends who I mentioned NS to, he’s a nerd so he understands how this game stinks and yet is so addicting yknow?
So I start mouthing off to him about some NS thing. And recently we did a thing against TBH right, chased the buggers but then they just stopped like 11 minutes into the update. 11 minutes! Not even in the 20 minute margins! What sort of 2nd rate, dogwater “most feared raiding organization” quits at 11 minutes. Oh Violet, oh Max Barry, oh dear lord. Every day I slave away, hopping onto Libcord to chase some of The black hawk’s finest, only to see they continue to lie and be dishonest about their own skill. Just admit it! The black hawks are a washed up relic of the past that only stays relevant due to now discontinued doctrine of “raider unity” which coalesced all minor raiding orgs at the time into their big avian hegemony. And this of course stifled all talent and skill, as evidenced with how the hawkies are just dogwater at the whole raiding business. Like these guys really gotta raid backwaters no one’s even heard of using cleans just so they can get an occupation where they contribute like 12 people to.
Ever since Aquila left the Council, its been a spiral I’m telling ya. Nothing new and good coming outta there since Dakota and Aq, I swear. Like I’m sure theres some fine folks in The black hawks, but they’re being wasted! We need some new raider blood out there! Like fr fr I’m out here in constantly busting subpar efforts of avian hawkies for 11 minutes to farm me salt and all i get is a “I’m glad you defenders are actually doing what you set out to do nowadays, gives us a wider array of targets to pick from :sunglasses:” oh give me a break, get good before you start talking smack bro actuallllly amirite. just get good it aint hard.
So anyways I’m out here, spittle flying and yelling my tiny child brains out about The black hawks in Olive Garden, my friend Aaron encouragin me like some emperor palpatine to luke skywalker if luke was just straight going dark. Then i hear my phone a ringing, i check it and its my father. I look over and hes waving me over cus james is there. I get over to the table and sit down cus james is taking orders. Now I order me a fettuccine alfredo. God i love me some alfredo fettucini. Now olive garden got some dog awful food right. Everyone agree with that statement. BUT lemme tell you im a sucker for some fettuccine alfredo. Favorite pasta. I used to eat that every day after preschool. So i order my alfredo the dude’s like “Awesome, would you like a soup or salad with that?” And I go, “Super salad? I never heard that one before!”
Oh also we detagged https://www.nationstates.net/region=garozia_islands this major.
Major 2021-02-23
Region Detagged:
garozia_islands
Wardens Present:
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Lt. Alfonzo)
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Cmd. Altmoras)
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Warden Grea Kriopia)
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Cmd. Haku)
Lt. Matthew
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (FW Tim)
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Cmd. Vincent Drake)
Foreign Buddies:
[LCNAF] Creeper
[LCNAF] Fandom
[LCNAF] Quebecshire
[LCNAF] Spode
[LCNAF] Terranhill
[LILY] Frenchy
[THE SNAKES/UDSAF] The Python
all commentary in this post is purely fictional, i actually do not have friends nor believe that the NS urban legend "The black hawks" really exists (it is obviously a native children's story to scare young natives to disable exec-WAD. if they were real, The black hawks would actually be good at that.)
tl;dr
great job! Funniest and best success from Wardens.
