The Grey Wardens: Warden-Lieutenant Eshialand

[North Prarie]

Best report of all time. Defenders stay winning. 15/10.

[Haku]

"EDIT: so i was told i need a title. this is it."
Edit I was told to put a Panda Express header image so here it is:

(Image)

So I was telling a story in voice chat earlier, yeah? So back before quarantine started I went to see the Joker with my friends and family, my pal Trevor and my close amigo Montgomery. Now lemme say about Joker, that movie was good. And I’m talking real good. It takes a lot to make someone physically remove themselves from the theater because they’re cringing so hard at some poor bozo on screen delivering jokes to an audience who finds them terrible.

Anyhow, Joker ends and I’m feeling a bit hungry. Montgomery, who is a rather skinny fella thanks to his rapid metabolism, is all like “Heyo Matthew, I’m SUPER (not kinda, SUPER) hungry. Let’s grab a bite.” And now because he said he was hungry, now I’m hungry. So I’m all like “Gotcha campadre, over and out let's get rolling to a dining place.” So I wrangle up my family and my 2 amigos and we squish ourselves into the minivan. At this point I make the executive decision to choose where to eat. Now some context, yeah? Montgomery is a rather picky eater, ever since I met him back in the 4th grade the fool hates almost every food except ravioli for some god awful reason. Like what’s so good about ravioli? Like sure you can stuff some cheese or something in a pasta, mama mia whoopie doo. That’s just a tiny goddamn calzone, just order a goddamn calzone and be done with it! Bigger is better, christ almighty. In Trevor’s case he’ll eat whatever, the human black hole we used to call him.

So with that in mind I says to my dear old father, “Pops let's go to Olive Garden.” Now I know, dear reader, what you’re thinking “matthew thats a dogwater restaurant!” Now to you I say eat my ass, call it grass, and move some switchers to ASS. Yes, I well know how the Garden of Olives is trash but in my defense where else am i supposed to go to satisfy my strange friend’s ravioli appetite? The local italian place we frequented was out of the question ‘cus we were on the edge of town. Why? The movie theater there got recliners while the one on the other side of town doesn’t. Easy as that, I like to feel comfy when I’m watching my movies okay?

So we decide to go to Olive Garden. By this time it's like 6 in the evening and when we get there we realize that the restaurant is closed. Not just for the day, but for good. Like it shut down. And so now I am angry. I just wanted me some goddamn Olive Garden at this point so I’m like, we’re over another town over. So my poor Pops hauls my sorry behind over to the next town over. But since its 6, its rush hour. Now I live in a place with terrible traffic and as you can imagine, we’re in there for a while. Almost an hour long trip for what should be a 15 minute commute. Now I’m angry, I’m seething. Apparently it was disruptive enough that my aunt, who was with us in the minivan, offered to pay for the meal. And you know, when people say “anger gets you nothing?” Well take that, look who got to eat dinner for free! It was me, Matthew.

So we pull up to the Oliver Garden parking lot and for some reason its full. It's almost as if everyone wanted some Olive Garden. To which I say WHy??? I’m here because I gotta be, cus im hungry and im stubborn as a bull with a friend who's got a cripplin addiction to some pasta noodles. So we drive all the way to the store next door, a thrift shop for some vinyl players, and park there. And we get out and we’re walking right. Now you know what they say about mob mentality and how it doesn’t make you think straight? Well that's what happened to me and the boys. We were being hooligans, acting like Olive Garden was a godsend. And so some elderly couple thats in the parking lot with us looks at us strangely. Remember them, they come up later. So we get to Oliver Garden and we get ourselves one of them disks, the vibrating and flashin ones that go off when your table is ready.

Now we got ourselves a group of 8, it's terrible so we gotta wait cus we need them big tables or enough tables to squish together. So we sit there in the waitin room, on our phones and just discuss Joker for like 30 minutes. Had a great conversation during the wait. I was like “man, joaquin phoenix was great” and everyone was like “yeah”.

So our table gets ready and we go to sit down. Now our table is one of the big tables which is why we got relatively fast seating. So we’re out there and we are all gettin situated, some big dude named James comes and is our waiter. He’s asking us for drinks and everyone’s saying a variety of things. Diet Coke, Water, tea, coffee. Now he gets to me and I hit them with the best soda, Dr. Pepper. But alas, he explains that the doc is not in the house. Instead they had with them Mr. Pibb Xtra. Pibb is a disgusting creation and abomination, in fact vanilla coke was preferable. But alas, they had no vanilla or cherry coke so I got what I could get and said yes to Pibb. So James heads out.

He grabs some breadsticks for us. Oh my god breadsticks, Olive garden breadsticks are so goddamn good. I won’t even lie, they’re great but they could use a little more flavor to them. Maybe add a little more garlic or add some cheese? I dont know. Cheese biscuits though, from Red Lobster, good stuff all around. So much better. Lemme say, if breadsticks and cheese biscuits had a food child you know id buy as soon as possible. Im a sucker for gluten.

So im munching away on the breadsticks and i catch this bloke’s eye. Like he’s looking real familiar and i realize, its another one of my boy called Aaron. So i get up and hobble over to Big A and am all like “sup my homie”. Now Aaron is one of my IRL friends who I mentioned NS to, he’s a nerd so he understands how this game stinks and yet is so addicting yknow?

So I start mouthing off to him about some NS thing. And recently we did a thing against TBH right, chased the buggers but then they just stopped like 11 minutes into the update. 11 minutes! Not even in the 20 minute margins! What sort of 2nd rate, dogwater “most feared raiding organization” quits at 11 minutes. Oh Violet, oh Max Barry, oh dear lord. Every day I slave away, hopping onto Libcord to chase some of The black hawk’s finest, only to see they continue to lie and be dishonest about their own skill. Just admit it! The black hawks are a washed up relic of the past that only stays relevant due to now discontinued doctrine of “raider unity” which coalesced all minor raiding orgs at the time into their big avian hegemony. And this of course stifled all talent and skill, as evidenced with how the hawkies are just dogwater at the whole raiding business. Like these guys really gotta raid backwaters no one’s even heard of using cleans just so they can get an occupation where they contribute like 12 people to.

Ever since Aquila left the Council, its been a spiral I’m telling ya. Nothing new and good coming outta there since Dakota and Aq, I swear. Like I’m sure theres some fine folks in The black hawks, but they’re being wasted! We need some new raider blood out there! Like fr fr I’m out here in constantly busting subpar efforts of avian hawkies for 11 minutes to farm me salt and all i get is a “I’m glad you defenders are actually doing what you set out to do nowadays, gives us a wider array of targets to pick from :sunglasses:” oh give me a break, get good before you start talking smack bro actuallllly amirite. just get good it aint hard.

So anyways I’m out here, spittle flying and yelling my tiny child brains out about The black hawks in Olive Garden, my friend Aaron encouragin me like some emperor palpatine to luke skywalker if luke was just straight going dark. Then i hear my phone a ringing, i check it and its my father. I look over and hes waving me over cus james is there. I get over to the table and sit down cus james is taking orders. Now I order me a fettuccine alfredo. God i love me some alfredo fettucini. Now olive garden got some dog awful food right. Everyone agree with that statement. BUT lemme tell you im a sucker for some fettuccine alfredo. Favorite pasta. I used to eat that every day after preschool. So i order my alfredo the dude’s like “Awesome, would you like a soup or salad with that?” And I go, “Super salad? I never heard that one before!”

Oh also we detagged https://www.nationstates.net/region=garozia_islands this major.

Major 2021-02-23

Region Detagged:
garozia_islands

Wardens Present:
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Lt. Alfonzo)
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Cmd. Altmoras)
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Warden Grea Kriopia)
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Cmd. Haku)
Lt. Matthew
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (FW Tim)
Lt Matthew's Good Friend (Cmd. Vincent Drake)

Foreign Buddies:
[LCNAF] Creeper
[LCNAF] Fandom
[LCNAF] Quebecshire
[LCNAF] Spode
[LCNAF] Terranhill
[LILY] Frenchy
[THE SNAKES/UDSAF] The Python

all commentary in this post is purely fictional, i actually do not have friends nor believe that the NS urban legend "The black hawks" really exists (it is obviously a native children's story to scare young natives to disable exec-WAD. if they were real, The black hawks would actually be good at that.)

(Image) Libcord: For Your Protection

(Image) In War, Victory. In Peace, Vigilance. In Death, Sacrifice.

tl;dr

[Alfonzo]

tl;dr

It's a good read B)

[Tinhampton]

tl;dr

raiders getting twelve people to pile onto some unknown region = bad
defenders getting fourteen people to detag some unknown region = good

[Grea Kriopia]

tl;dr

raiders getting twelve people to pile onto some unknown region = bad
defenders getting fourteen people to detag some unknown region = good

Both are a result of raiders being incompetent, so yes

[Luna Amore]

a report

The Grey Wardens and Friends	The black hawks
Jjjjjjjjjjjj Deutschlanders Enviria Unified Germanic Confederation Among Us Everyones Welcum Association Infinite Zachisian Multiversal Lounge Western Delta Scheisse Possums

Commander Altmoras
Warden Grea Kriopia
Commander Haku
First Warden Tim
Warden Varanius
Commander Vincent Drake

The League of Conservative Nations
Wischland of 10000 Islands

Libcord: For Your Protection

In War, Victory. In Peace, Vigilance. In Death, Sacrifice.

[Tim-Opolis]

Once again I am inspired as fuck by a TGW report.

[Quebecshire]

God-tier report.

[Matthew the Man]

i wept when i read this because it was so powerful and beautiful

[Bobberino]

whoa.

[The Python]

great job! Funniest and best success from Wardens.

[Alfonzo]

Inspirational

[Luna Amore]

*snip*

Your closing table is consistently made with misnested tags that break the page.

Please update wherever you are copying/pasting it from with this version so we don't have to keep fixing it.

Code: Select all

[table][tr][td][align=center][img]https://i.imgur.com/EhriUbt.png[/img]
Libcord:
For Your Protection[/align][/td]

[td][align=center][img]https://i.imgur.com/lSJDKom.png[/img]
In War, Victory.
In Peace, Vigilance.
In Death, Sacrifice.[/align][/td][/tr][/table]

[Eshialand]

Despite The Embassy being liberated, it looks like the raiders have a semi-permanent victory in the form of the updates and reports page reload times being screwed up...

[Haku]

Wardens

Commander Altmoras
Commander Haku
Commander Vincent Drake
Warden Grea Kriopia

Friends

3 Guys
The League of Conservative Nations
Thaecia

Regions Defended

The Potatos Of Power
Arvadia Rp
Parearthextranations
Elchland
The Weastern Block
The Winter Realms

Libcord: For Your Protection

In War, Victory. In Peace, Vigilance. In Death, Sacrifice.

[Frenchy II]

Yet another good performance from the Wardens and Libcord.

[Autamir]

It's almost cute that you think you had anything to do with it... Almost.

[Altmoras]

It's almost cute that you think you had anything to do with it... Almost.

You're right, Osiris only having one updater and relying on ERN for 75% of their manpower is Osiris' problem not ours.

[Autamir]

It's almost cute that you think you had anything to do with it... Almost.

You're right, Osiris only having one updater and relying on ERN for 75% of their manpower is Osiris' problem not ours.

Also not the reason. And If you have seen any of the recent Sekhmet raids you would know this is an outlier, not a standard.

[Eshialand]

You're right, Osiris only having one updater and relying on ERN for 75% of their manpower is Osiris' problem not ours.

Also not the reason. And If you have seen any of the recent Sekhmet raids you would know this is an outlier, not a standard.

I actually haven't been watching Sekhmet all that much... I've mainly been focusing on TBH and Lily. I think the only time I've even seen Sekhmet tags was during Boom Beach...

[Alfonzo]

You're right, Osiris only having one updater and relying on ERN for 75% of their manpower is Osiris' problem not ours.

Also not the reason. And If you have seen any of the recent Sekhmet raids you would know this is an outlier, not a standard.

Maybe if you put as much effort into that raid as you did with your salt posts you would've had more wins

But, I shall admit I am happy to see that the Sekhmet Legion is doing things. More diverse groups make for a more exciting meta

[Kingdom of Circle of Magi]

Rest is always nice, but Merlin is wondering where have all the raiders gone.

The winter morning was calm, the snow sparkled like gold under the warm sun and there was no darkspawn to see anywhere. Merlin grabbed the newest issue of Daily Warden™ and walked outside, ignoring the baffled and worried looks coming from the rest of the wardens coming behind the frosted windows of the cabin. The snow snarked as Merlin dropped into the ice hole to rest before the chore of cleaning that was reserved for peaceful days like these.

Wardens:
Warden-High Constable Sir Merlin
Warden-Commander Altmoras
Warden-Commander Haku
Warden-lieutenant Matthew
Warden-Warden Grea Kriopia

Other orgs that were there:
FRA
SPSF
RRA

Forgotten
Cebu
Democratic Region Of America
Udn
South Guinea Region
Allied Nations
Chickenia
Owosiris
Trash
The Debating Thunderdome
The Paragon Accord
Bradania
The Terrarian World
All The Other Countries Are Run By Girls
Ale
United Group
West East North South Central Pacific
The Swedish Kingdom
Ikytjinmytjiomntgrfujdfhynujgtrfujgfjigh
Novus Roma
Blue Waters Resort
Euros
Remiland
Aurora Union
Hukashaka
Usasia
Anhalt
The Alliance Of The Seven Seas
Democia

//how do you write lieutenant again? leftenant? Loo-tehn-ehnt? grrr.

[Matthew the Man]

“Matthew, you should write a report.”

The tinny voice of lament#0222, distorted over poor Discord bitrate, sent me into a spiral of torment. My very being filled with dread and I could feel impending demise (of a metaphysical, spiritual form) approach me ever so slowly.

“Yeah.”

Hailu#3271, the ever present tormentor that has haunted my time in TGW ever since her joining, rang out in agreement with lament#0222. A myriad of feelings, a mixture of anger and despair, took over and I began to laugh. To them it was a sign of arrogance, of spiteful hatred toward the raider menace. In reality it was a barrier, a sign of caution, a defensive mechanism to save me from the reality of what was to come.

I tentatively decided to ask them if they were joking.

“No of course not, probably better than the gloatpost Mira’s gonna be posting later tonight.”

“O-oh okay.” I stammered out, fearful of the wrath I might incur from defying them both. Whilst both were divided, specifically on the matter of sleep, united they presented a front of oppression and totalitarian dystopia of which I could not escape.

With fear in my heart, I moved to open a Google document to best collect my thoughts for the report in question. The overbearing pressure threatened to crush my very fiber of being, the burden of work stifled my soul.

I wrote as much as I could. But due to the exploitation of my good labor, creativity, and soul, I was quickly stumped. Only a single line, “Matthew, you should write a report,” was written by the end of a stretch of time that was almost akin to the expanse between the beginning and end of eternity.

Out of a need to escape from the desolation, I fled to the recesses of Discord.com. I asked my compatriots for assistance for salvation, and thus they delivered. For that I am eternally grateful. I opened the video content sent to me and… I felt alive.

It was as if the entire universe itself was opened up to me at this late night hour, the stars whispered of cosmic secrets in my ear, nebulas tickled my skin, black holes song their long song of a horizon everdistant yet ever close.

So as to [v] is creator of all things, so was I an existence ascending the very material plane itself. While dreams are an existence that lies beyond the arms reach, I became an abyss that encompassed all. That was the power of this video.

Once the spiritual high that I experienced began to wear off, I began to realize the trivalities of NationStates. We fight over dead regions in “tag” runs due to what? Spite? Arrogance? Morals? We possess the unique power as human beings to come together, unite as one in a great harmony never before seen and yet division runs rampant.

That is why I offer to you, all of NSGP, this video. I hope that its content will find you enlightenment as I have found. With this in mind I am officially announcing my retirement from NationStates to live in the British Columbian wilderness for the rest of my days, so that I may one day become one with the servers and thus one with NS to achieve a level of nirvana never before seen.

I leave to you the gift of salvation, may I one day see you in the forests of that long promised place of an ever dreaming verdant utopia.

THE VIDEO OF ENLIGHTENMENT

---

Wardens:
First Warden Tim
Warden-Commander Altmoras
Warden-Chamberlain Deadeye Jack
Warden-Commander Haku
Warden-Commander Vincent Drake
Warden-Lieutenant Alfonzo
Warden-Lieutenant Matthew
Warden Grea Kriopia
Warden Vara

Amigos:
TEA
LCNAF
RRA
SPSF
The Snakes

The West Germanic Provinces
Eucalyptus And Rain
Confederation Of Outlying Nations
Nova Italia
Kingdom Of Vienna
Ashen Sea
Simps
Ravenclaw
Land Of The New
The Fangirls
Confederacy Of Libertarian Nations
Nedland
The Region Of Car Lovers
Munich Pakt
Norahem
The Coalition Of Socialist States
Democratic Union Of Humanity
Saviours Hope
Thunder 21
Svyat
Elparia

[Alfonzo]

Take me with you

[Baedan]

cool