Hi Hulldom -
I think the draft has improved with the past editing, I will share a few thoughts. Mileage may vary.
Acclaiming regions in the universe which exude stability, provide opportunity, and prove to be implacable on the interregional stage and recognizing that Europeia is one of them;
Is "implacable" the word you intended to use here? It reads like you intended "irreplaceable." Implacable in this context means you are insatiable on the world stage, which is a bit strange.
Lauding Europeia as its democracy has rarely been contained within the confines of elected bodies, but has often encompassed the entirety of the citizenry, as seen through the long and storied histories of the several iterations of the Europeian Citizens’ Assembly and later by allowing national leaders in Europeia to run its capital city of Arnhelm via its City Council;
Might be useful to pull up a date for the foundation of the Citizens' Assembly and City Council. I recall the former being fairly old and dates could help establish that Euro was not only experimenting in local government but breaking new ground while doing so.
Believing that democracy cannot function without a robust media sphere, something that Europeia recognizes, encourages, and prizes, with the Europeian Broadcasting Corporation providing Europeians and others news, commentary, and analysis in both text and auditory formats in concert with private outlets such as The Europeian Research Institute, The Panda’s Pen, and others;
I find this sentence structure a little difficult to follow. I know what you're saying, but I think the combination of three words after "something that Europeia" breaks the flow of the sentence as it transitions into the substance of the clause.
You have a unique kind of writing style in that your clauses often follow with a preamblatory clause (that expresses the WA's values) then a sub-preamblatory clause (that expresses how the subject shares its values). This can cause issues for your resolution if others feel that the WA shouldn't be identifying with a particular value (e.g., republicanism, the Independent Manifesto, free press) but I think it will be largely a noncontroversial approach for most parts of your resolution and I encourage you to write in your individual style, but be conscious of the challenges it can pose both to your draft's structure but also substance. Perhaps something like this may work:
Believing, as does Europeia, that democracy cannot function without a robust media sphere, Europeia launched (...in 20SOMETHING...) the Europeian Broadcasting Corporation (EBC) providing Europeians and others news, commentary, and analysis in both text and auditory formats in concert with private outlets such as The Europeian Research Institute, The Panda’s Pen, and others;
Assuring the multiverse that Europeia practices inclusion in other ways than solely participation in government, such as through promoting diverse perspectives on existence through the successful “Women in NS” Symposium and the Project Moirai series run in Europeian regional media, both of which honored female world leaders and provided a forum for them to discuss issues unique to their experiences participating in world affairs, and the annual EuroPride celebrations celebrating LGBTQIA+ national leaders of Europeia;
I find that first subsentence a little off, as I don't think the multiverse was concerned that Europeia only practiced inclusion in government.
I think in your original draft you may have had this clause immediately beneath the local government clause, then when you added the media clause, it broke the sentence contextually.
There's a few other 'inclusive' events from the past, thinking like 2013, but I can't quite put my finger on it. They were major events for Europeia, my memory isn't as good as it once was. But I think it would be a good idea to run through the Embassy and old media posts if you haven't already to research these initiatives. One thing that does come to mind was an
EBC Radio Broadcast that Euro launched on harassment with Astarial.
Applauding the Europeian Republican Navy, the acclaimed military of Europeia, which has held its own on the high seas since the region’s very foundations, has been a bastion of domestic activity for the region through several operations known as “Wargames”, and international cooperation through their participation in a bevy of international operations throughout the years, such as those reclaiming Anne Frank and Union of the Fascist Reich from fascist control and more recently the operations surrounding Confederacy of Layem;
Is it really acclaimed?
Always seemed to me candidates in Europeia spent more time talking about renewing the ERN than applauding it. I'm mostly kidding.
The "wargames" phrase is a little strange here - is that Euro's word for tagging?
Admiring the innovative approach of Europeia in the field of international relations, wherein Europeia has taken a leading role in the formulation of the theory of action known as “Independence” via their role in the formation of the Independent Manifesto. While derided in certain corners, “Independence” has proven to be a bedrock of the foreign policy sphere since its foundation in the mid-2010s, uniting Europeia, Balder, The North Pacific, and others in the pursuit of their own interests without respect to dogma. Sustained adherence to the Independent Manifesto has also allowed Europeia to pursue diverse opportunities for engagement with many groups across many different alignments, benefitting Europeia and the wider world in the process;
Oh this poor clause. I think its gotten longer as edits have been made to respond to me and others. It's better than the original clause, but I would raise more issues with it.
The use of "Independence" versus Independentism is confusing for non-GPers because it's a noun that isn't identifiably a political movement (as it lacks an -ism), it's like calling a political belief "Lamp" and then repeating over and over again that your region believes in Lamp. Lamp has been so good for us. Extolling the virtues of Lamp. Lampism makes it clear that the subject is an ideology. The other issue with "Independence," of course is it is a misnomer, actual independence is about state autonomy - internal and external sovereignty - but "Independence" argues that state sovereignty should be
limited to the interests of that region and then identifies what those interests are without much discussion on why that is. It's about telling you what you should do.
The Independence Manifesto is also not a 'theory of action.' I mean,
read the document, it makes a set of declarations about what an "Independent region" is. It never for a moment ruminates about the full consequences of these policies for the region or the international sphere. "Theory of action" is stretching it.
My bigger problem with this clause though is the use of "respect to dogma." That phrase comes directly from the Manifesto. In this case, the "dogma" it is referring to is humanitarian principles - the same principles that the WA routinely commends and practices itself in passing WA Liberations. Internally, it's not consistent for the WA to chide idealism as dogmatic in one resolution, then praise it in the next, and practice it regularly itself.
The new draft also makes a declarative statement that Independentism is the "bedrock" of the foreign policy sphere, when you could make the same argument that Defenderism is the "bedrock" of the foreign policy sphere given the prominence of recent multilateral organizations and the strength of that network of alliances.
Here's my suggestion:
Admiring the innovation that Europeia has shown in the field of international relations, especially in its role in the creation of the Independent Manifesto. This political movement has unified major regional powers, including Europeia, Balder, The North Pacific, and others in the pursuit of their own regional interests. Sustained adherence to the Independent Manifesto has also allowed Europeia to pursue diverse opportunities for engagement with many groups across many different alignments, benefitting Europeia and the wider world in the process;
It cuts the text of some of its extraneous comments and I think it would be more readable for a non-GPer.
Appreciating too that Europeian foreign policy interests also extend to ensuring a level playing field for recruitment by regions and that the landmark Arnhelm Declaration of Recruitment Standards provided an interregionally-agreed upon curb to recruitment from other regions which do not inherently exist in the multiverse;
I think you may have used "interests" here in the sense of "priorities." But it makes it sound like the WA is appreciative that it is in the interest of Europeia to care about recruitment standards. The final subsentence too is not clear, because if you're a non-GPer and you don't know that Arnhelm was Europeian, the relevance of the declaration is assumed. The use of the word "curb" here as a noun rather than a verb is a bit unusual, and the last bit about "inherently exist in the multiverse" is a clunky way to say UCR - I didn't actually know what you meant until I read it a few times.
The issue with the SC Rules is, as always, that to make language decipherable for non-GPers, you're at risk of making it in indecipherable to everyone. Perhaps something like this may read cleaner:
Appreciating too that Europeia has sought to level the playing field for recruitment by regions with its landmark Arnhelm Declaration of Recruitment Standards which provided an interregionally-agreed upon moratorium on recruitment outside of Feeder and Sinker regions;
Mousebumples, a nation commended largely for their work in the World Assembly, contributions which specifically focused on medical equality among member states,
Maowi, a sloth-filled domain that was also commended largely on the back of their contributions to the World Assembly, but which focused instead on social justice and mentorship of aspiring authors, and
Kaboomlandia, a country which focused on righting the wrongs of the past—specifically by removing the recognition this august assembly bestowed on nations removed from this plane of existence by a fearsome and mysterious figure from the heavens;
Controversial opinion, but I think I'd leave out the biographies. This is a commendation of Europeia, not Mouse, Maowi, or Kamboomlandia. Listing their names is fine to me.
Extolling Europeia’s pride of place as a leader among its peers as a shining beacon of stability, a land of hope and opportunity, and as an international bulwark and wishing to afford it the highest honor this assembly can bestow;
My suggestion is leave out "and as an international bulwark" because the clause starts to become a run-on, and I'm not sure what an international bulwark means in this context anyways.
One thought would be to use "polar star" rather than "shining beacon." The latter is a bit overused rhetorically, the former expresses an ideal that other regions try to emulate, which I think is fitting for Europeia.
All in all, a nice effort on you and your co-author's part. Cheers.
Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2022 7:52 pm
