Finally getting around to editing this one.
Maowi wrote:Convinced that
Andusre has acted as a force for positive change in NationStates, primarily via their indispensable work to create, develop, and grow
Thaecia into a lively community and interregional presence;
“Acted as” —> “been”
Add an adjective before “force”, maybe “constant” or something to that effect.
“, primarily via their indispensable work to create, develop, and grow
Thaecia into a lively community and interregional presence;” can be changed to “via the extensive work they’ve put into creating, developing, and fostering the lively community and interregional presence of Thaecia;”
Maowi wrote:Praising Andusre’s co-founding of Thaecia in January 2019 - they established a thriving population with a unique regional identity characterised by its sophisticated executive government, bicameral legislature, and highly social atmosphere; Andusre’s focus on community has allowed Thaecia to sustain a flourishing political scene with activity levels that support its robust, vibrant democracy;
That first dash could probably be “where” to not split the sentence weirdly.
The second half of the clause also feels almost redundant tbh. Like you said everything you say after the semicolon before it too so idk why that’s included.
Maowi wrote:Celebrating Andusre’s authorship of Thaecia’s first ever Legislative Resolution, devising the body known as the Electoral Commission (EC) to run regional elections; despite the resolution’s later repeal, the EC has played an integral part in Thaecian politics ever since and brought a great sense of excitement to every election - its foundations remain essentially unchanged;
“the EC has played an integral part in Thaecian politics ever since” —> “the EC still plays an integral role in Thaecian politics”
Everything after the dash is wholly unnecessary.
Maowi wrote:Applauding Andusre’s two terms as the region’s first Prime Minister, during which they paved the way for all future administrations by:
“Adminsitrations” is an odd word but I suppose it works. Wouldn’t it be setting an example for future leaders/PMs tho?
Maowi wrote:creating and solidifying the ministerial structures that underpin Thaecia’s executive to this day;
What does this even mean? What are “ministerial structures”? Isn’t an executive a person? I don’t get this at all.
Maowi wrote:organising regular cultural activities, such as contests and game nights, that strengthened Thaecia’s community and attracted foreign nations to participate and become part of that community;
Everything after “game nights” is incredibly clunky and very weirdly organized. Perhaps: “that strengthened the charisma and outreach of the community, even attracting several foreign nations to the region in the process;”
Maowi wrote:making a concerted effort to cultivate activity on Thaecia’s Regional Message Board (RMB) - official legislative and judicial business is conducted on satellite regions’ RMBs, making this a crucial aspect of Thaecian society;
“making a concerted effort” implies failure to actually achieve anything. Everything after the dash is confusing and kind of unnecessary. If anything, focus more on why rmb participation matters or what it has actually done for Thaecia.
Maowi wrote:Recognising that Andusre has become synonymous with Thaecia’s foreign affairs, as their personal and effective style of diplomacy forged strong bonds between Thaecia and a wide range of regions, socially bringing communities together in very real terms - during four months as the region’s Foreign Affairs Minister, Andusre negotiated the construction of embassies with
10000 Islands (XKI) and
The Rejected Realms (TRR), both of which remain very close to Thaecia;
This is jumbled and far longer than necessary. Rewrite:
“Recognising that Andusre has become synonymous with Thaecia’s foreign affairs, their personal and effective style of diplomacy forging strong bonds between Thaecia and a wide range of regions and communities including
10000 Islands (XKI) and
The Rejected Realms (TRR), both of which remain very close to Thaecia;”
Mentions of their position are unnecessary if you also say what they did in it and I cut out all the unnecessary language.
Maowi wrote:Admiring Andusre’s further efforts to promote goodwill between Thaecia and regions such as XKI and TRR by running a musical watch party event in 2021 that drew high attendance from all three regions and is set to be repeated this year, and by organising the foreign affairs side of Thaecia’s similarly successful Late Nite Festival II, which also brought in participants from several other regions;
Already mentioned XKI and TRR in the last clause. If you’re gonna mention them again, kill the “such as” and reorganize that bit again. You could also just do a more general “allies” sort of thing, the name-dropping isn’t all that necessary.
This clause in general is organized incorrectly (and confusingly) so another rewrite:
“Admiring Andusre’s further promotion of goodwill between Thaecia, XKI, and TRR through the organization of a musical watch party event in 2021 that drew high attendance from all three regions and is set to be repeated this year; they also organized the foreign affairs side of Thaecia’s similarly successful Late Nite Festival II, which brought in dozens of foreign participants from several other regions;”
Goddamn I did not realize how many FA clauses there were until now. Why is this a separate clause than the recognizing clause? There’s no need to mention the positions, so at best this should be a list with the events of “things Andy has done FA-wise”. Otherwise the organization is repetitive and very odd.
Maowi wrote:Acclaiming Andusre’s influential part in building Thaecia’s military from the ground up, elevating it to become one of NationStates’ largest forces during six months as Secretary of Defense; they developed and articulated the region’s military ideology, bringing awareness to the prosperity that an unaligned military can bring to a region both by fostering internal activity and as a crucial means of strengthening ties with regions all over the military spectrum - for example, Thaecia has often collaborated with independent regions like TEP, Europeia, and TCB, defender regions like XKI and the League, and raider regions like
Lone Wolves United;
This is an insanely long clause, rewrite:
“Acclaiming Andusre’s influence in the construction of Thaecia’s military, elevating it to become one of NationStates’ largest forces through the development and articulation of Thaecia’s military ideology, bringing awareness to the prosperity that an unaligned military can bring to a region both by fostering internal activity and as a crucial means of strengthening ties with influential regions all over the military spectrum;”
Again, you’re getting very bogged down in both naming positions instead of acknowledging actions, and in name-dropping just a bit too much. You can just write “influential regions” to be considerably more concise.
Maowi wrote:Further appreciating Andusre’s contributions to the vigour of NationStates’ military scene through their frequent spearheading of joint operations with Thaecia’s allies, including antifascist activities and highly-attended tag runs;
“tag runs” is a bad way to word that, might find a slightly more IC way of articulating it.
Maowi wrote:Rejoicing that Andusre championed Thaecian participation in the World Assembly, supporting new authors and advocating for the relevance of WA affairs, culminating in their election as President in November 2021; in this role,
Not a fan of this one. Gonna do a rewrite for purely organizational reworks:
“Revelling in the considerable growth Andusre has fostered in regional World Assembly participation, supporting new Thaecian authors and promoting WA relevancy; their work in the World Assembly culminated in their role as president, where:”
Maowi wrote:their dedication and reforms to the region’s WA program caused its activity to skyrocket and has increased literacy in and awareness of the WA among Thaecians;
Small organizational rewrite:
“they dedicated themselves to reforming the region’s WA program, causing its activity to skyrocket and heavily increasing WA literacy and awareness among Thaecians;”
Maowi wrote:they were a key advisor to the Prime Minister on executive policy as well as acting as Commander in Chief of Thaecia’s military, making important calls on military operations;
“were a” —> “acted as”
“as well as acting as” —> “and served as”
Maowi wrote:Appreciative of Andusre’s efforts as an author of four Security Council resolutions, such as [resolution=SC#349]SC 349: Commend Marrabuk[/resolution] in which they highlighted the legacy of a key figure in The East Pacific’s internal and foreign affairs;
“such as” —> “including”
Comma after the resolution.
Maowi wrote:Wishing to enshrine a record of Andusre’s impact on NationStates in the history books, as a shining example for future trailblazers to draw inspiration from;
Delete the comma after books.
That should be all! Have a great day,
-A