The Nectarine Coalition for the Universal Betterment of Penmanship (or NCUBP) wishes to extend to the author an index of edits for the improvement of the proposed resolution. Here follows:
Hulldom wrote:Whereas it is prudent for residents of all states to have access to critical information before, during, and after emergencies,
The use of “whereas” is confusing, as it does not seem to make any sense with the rest of the clause. Actually the same is true of the next clause. The NCUBP would request an explanation as to why the use of “whereas” was chosen if possible.
“of all states” —> “of all member nations”
Editors note: “states” does work here however, nations is only a singular meaning while states can also mean emotional/mental states, something that could make this clause theoretically confusing.
Hulldom wrote:Whereas the creation of international standards regarding the same was urged in [resolution=GA#570]GA #570[/resolution] "Disaster Precautions and Responses", hereby:
“the same” —> “emergency broadcasting” (“the same” refers to nothing in this case, no harm in just writing it out)
Hulldom wrote:Defines "emergency event" for the purposes of this resolution as any serious, unexpected, and/or dangerous situation requiring immediate action to avoid property damage, injury, or loss of life.
“for the purposes of this resolution” should have commas around it.
“and/or” can just be “or”
“avoid property” could perhaps be “avoid significant, widespread property”. Without something like this, falling off a skateboard would be an unexpected situation that leads to injury, therefore an emergency event.
Hulldom wrote:All member states shall create emergency communications systems which shall be utilized to communicate with their residents regarding emergency events.
“states shall” —> “states must”
“which shall be utilized to communicate” —> “for use in communicating”
Hulldom wrote:Member states shall utilize a variety of means to communicate with their citizens during an emergency event. These means shall be commensurate with the technology available in each member state.
The NCUBP has anonymously agreed to provide a rewrite of this clause:
“Member states may use a variety of means —- commensurate with the technology available in each state —- to communicate with their citizens during an emergency event.”
Hulldom wrote:If an emergency event threatens another nation, the member state first affected must notify that nation of the event so they can communicate with their citizens regarding the emergency, in a reasonable manner, if the disaster would otherwise be likely to surprise the other nation.
Once again, a rewrite has been unanimously voted on:
“If an emergency event threatens to spread to another nation, the member state first affected must notify that nation promptly of the event so they can properly communicate that emergency to their residents.”
Hulldom wrote:Member states shall prioritize the broadcasting of localized or regionalized messaging in emergency events if practicable under the circumstances.
“or regionalized” is unnecessary, one can still be “localized” to a region.
Is “practicable” meant to be “practical”?
Hulldom wrote:Member states are encouraged to undertake regular testing of all emergency communications systems and to ensure that the equipment used, if any special equipment is used, is in good repair.
The NCUBP has once again voted on a significant rewrite of this clause:
“Member states are required to practice regular testing of any and all emergency communications systems, including any special equipment used, to ensure it remains in good repair.”
This concludes the NCUBP index of edits for this resolution. We wish the author luck with this proposal and any further projects.
Signed,
| Aramantha Calendula, Head Nectarine and Presidential Assistant to Madam Vazz |