Indusse wrote:Thanks for those comments Maowi. I've made some rephrasing to those points you had pointed out and has also fixed the grammatical error. On those places where you had talked about details (Census, Diplomacy) i had it before in the drafts but had to remove due to fluff and various conflicts with the points. I'll be removing the roleplay mention from the draft as well as fixing the bullet point. On the IAFF, i wouldn't be able to write why it's different from the rest because it would definitely break the 4th wall since it would mention Discord and stuff.
If there's no more criticism and suggestions then i hope to submit this within two weeks.
These are fair points. I think if you wanted to explain about the IAFF without breaking the fourth wall you potentially could, by using roundabout phrasing e.g. saying that it was mediated using a different platform that facilitated more casual socialisation - obviously if you don't think it's a relevant point then that's fine but I just wanted to suggest a way you could go about it if you do think it would be worth including.