NationStates

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:

Tinhampton wrote:One of your clauses needs a bit of updating, given recent events:

Which to me highlights an issue with using hard numbers to make a positive point in a proposal. Much better in my opinion to use more general terms, e.g. "IA as Delegate has greatly increased not only the number of residents in the region, but also their number of endorsements."

There's nothing wrong with using numbers as long as the numbers are 1) accurate, and 2) qualified to indicate that the numbers may become even more impressive later. That way the history is recorded in the halls of the SC.

Mallorea and Riva wrote:

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:Which to me highlights an issue with using hard numbers to make a positive point in a proposal. Much better in my opinion to use more general terms, e.g. "IA as Delegate has greatly increased not only the number of residents in the region, but also their number of endorsements."

There's nothing wrong with using numbers as long as the numbers are 1) accurate, and 2) qualified to indicate that the numbers may become even more impressive later. That way the history is recorded in the halls of the SC.

Okay, fair point. Then maybe use the numbers in a more approximate sense e.g. "raised numbers from about 500 to greater than 900".

In the Further Acknowledging clause about the work done in Europe, you seem to say Europe a lot. It's fine but seems pretty repetitive, maybe consider changing one or two of them to "the region" or something along that idea. Other than that it's a good draft.

The Royal RCS wrote:In the Further Acknowledging clause about the work done in Europe, you seem to say Europe a lot. It's fine but seems pretty repetitive, maybe consider changing one or two of them to "the region" or something along that idea. Other than that it's a good draft.

Ok, I see what you mean. Changed!

Noting that Imperium Anglorum served as Europe’s WA Delegate, and helped draft or campaign for several General Assembly resolutions proposed by Umeria, Excidium Planetis, Tinfect, and The Global Republic,

Overall this draft is really looking good. However, it seems to me there's a small disconnect in the clause above. Maybe instead "Noting that Imperium Anglorum served as Europe’s WA Delegate, and while in that role have helped draft or campaign for several General Assembly resolutions proposed by Umeria, Excidium Planetis, Tinfect, and The Global Republic,"

Just a thought.

OOC:
Normally I would comment In Character first (even in the SC) but most of my concerns are OOC concerns here.

First of all, while the resolution is good, and the SC regulars would know a lot more than me about what passes Rule 4 and what doesn't, the whole thing strikes me as not In Character enough. As others have pointed out, much of IA's work has been in the GA, and that's the strong point of the commendation. The GA is a lot stricter with writing resolutions In Character and even discussing them IC. I can't speak for IA, but it would be a lot more... appropriate? ...if the resolution were written as a commendation of the nation of Imperium Anglorum and its WA delegation, specifically Ambassador Parsons.

See SC#193 "Commend Separatist Peoples" as an example.

Other than that, I would say tack on "at time of writing" onto the regional population figure.

I will (most likely) submit this in about a week or so. How does that sound?

Abhichandra wrote:I will (most likely) submit this in about a week or so. How does that sound?

OOC
Why have deadlines? It's not pressing (unlike liberations). Submit it when it is pretty much (or close enough to) perfect.

I imagine he's submitting because he thinks it is ready. The week's notice is just a courtesy for last comments.

Some final notes from me...

1. I would cut "the nation of" where it's used - it's bulky language.

2. In "Applauding" you use the present tense, in "Seeing" you use the past tense. Choose one. Personally I think past tense for both makes more sense.

3. "On many" probably sounds better than "on multiple." On multiple sounds like you could count how many drafts he's commented on, on one hand.

4. This is awkward phrasing, "keeps and manages ‘Passed General Assembly Resolutions’" - he's not 'keeping and managing' the resolutions themselves. Perhaps "maintains the 'Passed General Assembly Resolutions' index." I believe you could even link readers to the GA Resolutions thread.

5. " proposed by fellow European members, including Umeria, Excidium Planetis, Tinfect, and The Global Republic." (Otherwise we don't know why it's significant.)

6. "and while endorsements soared." (The 'and' makes it feel too tacked on.)

7. I think you ought to give in and use 'their' before hard work on the penultimate clause. It would read a lot better. I know why you're avoiding it though.

Unibot III wrote:I believe you could even link readers to the GA Resolutions thread.

No, you can't. Not until they introduce the [thread] tag. Which they were promising to do in 2010, and still haven't done yet, even in spite of having rolled out two new themes, factbooks, rippling flags, Regional Officers, the "Most Inclusive" World Census ranking, an overhaul of aforementioned World Census, lots of changes to the telegram system, regional embassies, the GA category of "Health" being added, a metric slaniton of April Fools' minigames that took lots of time to craft, regional polls, and the ability to remove ads for the low, low cost of just three American dollars since that announcement.

For now (and perhaps for a while into the future), links to threads will result in your resolution being smacked down by a variety of sledgehammers, sniper rifles, self-styled Rust-buckety Titanic-esque boatymcboatface tincan Yankee Cheeseboxes on Rafts, and people filing an illegality complaint about your resolution in the Illegal SC Proposals thread.

Unibot III wrote:Some final notes from me...

1. I would cut "the nation of" where it's used - it's bulky language.

2. In "Applauding" you use the present tense, in "Seeing" you use the past tense. Choose one. Personally I think past tense for both makes more sense.

3. "On many" probably sounds better than "on multiple." On multiple sounds like you could count how many drafts he's commented on, on one hand.

4. This is awkward phrasing, "keeps and manages ‘Passed General Assembly Resolutions’" - he's not 'keeping and managing' the resolutions themselves. Perhaps "maintains the 'Passed General Assembly Resolutions' index." I believe you could even link readers to the GA Resolutions thread.

5. " proposed by fellow European members, including Umeria, Excidium Planetis, Tinfect, and The Global Republic." (Otherwise we don't know why it's significant.)

6. "and while endorsements soared." (The 'and' makes it feel too tacked on.)

7. I think you ought to give in and use 'their' before hard work on the penultimate clause. It would read a lot better. I know why you're avoiding it though.

I changed most of the suggestions, but for 7, I didn't use 'their' because I think it might be a 4(b) violation.

Abhichandra wrote:

Unibot III wrote:Some final notes from me...

1. I would cut "the nation of" where it's used - it's bulky language.

2. In "Applauding" you use the present tense, in "Seeing" you use the past tense. Choose one. Personally I think past tense for both makes more sense.

3. "On many" probably sounds better than "on multiple." On multiple sounds like you could count how many drafts he's commented on, on one hand.

4. This is awkward phrasing, "keeps and manages ‘Passed General Assembly Resolutions’" - he's not 'keeping and managing' the resolutions themselves. Perhaps "maintains the 'Passed General Assembly Resolutions' index." I believe you could even link readers to the GA Resolutions thread.

5. " proposed by fellow European members, including Umeria, Excidium Planetis, Tinfect, and The Global Republic." (Otherwise we don't know why it's significant.)

6. "and while endorsements soared." (The 'and' makes it feel too tacked on.)

7. I think you ought to give in and use 'their' before hard work on the penultimate clause. It would read a lot better. I know why you're avoiding it though.

I changed most of the suggestions, but for 7, I didn't use 'their' because I think it might be a 4(b) violation.

"Their" is perfectly fine. R4(b) says "You must refer to nations as nations, not as the player behind them. This includes the use of pronouns such as "he" or "she" as opposed to "they".

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:

Abhichandra wrote:
I changed most of the suggestions, but for 7, I didn't use 'their' because I think it might be a 4(b) violation.

"Their" is perfectly fine. R4(b) says "You must refer to nations as nations, not as the player behind them. This includes the use of pronouns such as "he" or "she" as opposed to "they".

Oh ok. I think I read it wrong before.

Noting that Imperium Anglorum served as Europe’s WA Delegate, and while in that role has helped draft or campaign for several General Assembly resolutions proposed by fellow European members, including Umeria, Excidium Planetis, Tinfect, and The Global Republic,

OOC
Um... other than Umeria, none of those mentioned are "fellow European members". I'm in The Galactic Federacy, Tinfect has his own region, and The Global Republic is currently in Lazarus.

Excidium Planetis wrote:

Noting that Imperium Anglorum served as Europe’s WA Delegate, and while in that role has helped draft or campaign for several General Assembly resolutions proposed by fellow European members, including Umeria, Excidium Planetis, Tinfect, and The Global Republic,

OOC
Um... other than Umeria, none of those mentioned are "fellow European members". I'm in The Galactic Federacy, Tinfect has his own region, and The Global Republic is currently in Lazarus.

Ah, I was assuming you were at least former residents.

Unibot III wrote:Ah, I was assuming you were at least former residents.

I don't know where TGR was originally from, but I've never been in Europe, and Tinfect has been in Weyard for as long as Tinfect has been writing WA resolutions.

Our cooperation with Imperium Anglorum was just part of our pact as members of the GA Elite.

I have updated the draft with the latest changes.

Excidium Planetis wrote:

Unibot III wrote:Ah, I was assuming you were at least former residents.

I don't know where TGR was originally from, but I've never been in Europe, and Tinfect has been in Weyard for as long as Tinfect has been writing WA resolutions.

Our cooperation with Imperium Anglorum was just part of our pact as members of the GA Elite.

EDIT: It looks like TGR CTE'd in Europe, but was re-founded in Lazarus.

Alright, so I'm thinking of submitting this tomorrow, so last chance for any more suggestions.

The proposal has been submitted. Here is the link: https://www.nationstates.net/page=UN_vi ... 1494026642

Abhichandra wrote:The proposal has been submitted. Here is the link: https://www.nationstates.net/page=UN_vi ... 1494026642

Look forward to voting for this.

Alexander Smith, Tinhamptonian Delegate-Ambassador to the World Assembly: In three-quarters-full support. The utter clusterfuck that was "Repeal "Pesticide Regulations"" nearly put us off voting for this, but we wish Abhichandra the best of luck with this.

Abhichandra wrote:The proposal has been submitted. Here is the link: https://www.nationstates.net/page=UN_vi ... 1494026642

Good luck!

Is...is discussing Communique legal?

Wallenburg wrote:Is...is discussing Communique legal?

I think so, because Communiqué is a program offsite from NS, and as far as I see it, it doesn't violate any rules.