[DEFEATED] Commend McMasterdonia

[Sedgistan]

The World Assembly,

RECOGNIZING that The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia as the former WA Delegate for The North Pacific,

WISHING to recognize this nation for its contributions,

APPLAUDING the effort that The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia has taken to provide a positive environment for new and old nations alike,

FURTHER NOTING that The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia has extended the amount of activity in The North Pacific in several ways,

INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO:

Providing a humorous and informative regional newspaper
Providing a quality forum
Securing The North Pacific from invaders and raiders
Encouraging new nations to take part in regional government and other activities

Hereby commends The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia.

[Great Zurich]

Hello friends,

Please read through my draft and tell me what you think of it. Please tell me if you think I should rephrase something or make some grammatical change. Thank you so much and thank you for your time and consideration.

Great Zurich

[Ramaeus]

More information is needed.

[SkyDip]

Allow me to summarize:

REALIZING McM used to be Delegate,

NOTICING, by law of the North Pacific, one cannot hold three consecutive terms,

SEEING McM step down in accordance with the laws of the region,

Somehow Commends McM

No. This is a bad draft that doesn't tell me anything about McM except that he was once Delegate of TNP.

[Great Zurich]

Allow me to summarize:

REALIZING McM used to be Delegate,

NOTICING, by law of the North Pacific, one cannot hold three consecutive terms,

SEEING McM step down in accordance with the laws of the region,

Somehow Commends McM

No. This is a bad draft that doesn't tell me anything about McM except that he was once Delegate of TNP.

What would you recommend? More info?

[SkyDip]

Allow me to summarize:

REALIZING McM used to be Delegate,

NOTICING, by law of the North Pacific, one cannot hold three consecutive terms,

SEEING McM step down in accordance with the laws of the region,

Somehow Commends McM

No. This is a bad draft that doesn't tell me anything about McM except that he was once Delegate of TNP.

What would you recommend? More info?

Well I'd first suggest not basing your entire idea on a lawful exit from the Delegacy of TNP, for one. But yes, in short, you need loads more information. I'd suggest reading some recent Commendations that have passed, including Commend 1 Infinite Loop and Commend Hobbess. Look at how much content those both have compared to this.

[Great Zurich]

Ok thanks a lot

[Great Zurich]

Check out the newly edited draft

[Abacathea]

I would love to see McM Commended, genuinely I would. But I don't think this draft really does justice to McM, you have indeed fleshed it out, but it still needs refinement and research. Don't rush it, take your time, do the work, you'll end with a nicely polished draft.

[SkyDip]

Check out the newly edited draft

...you added two, tiny lines.

[Ramaeus]

The point of a Commendation is to award someone for their accomplishments in this game. In order to convince people to vote for your proposal, you need to properly explain why your nominee is worthy of the highest honor this game can bestow. You explain the worthiness of your nominee in your proposal's text. Expound upon their accomplishments and their contributions. You may just be able to summarize the noteworthy and impressive things McM has done throughout his career in NS. Also, listen to what SkyDip says. He knows what he's talking about.

[District XIV]

Helping new nations out immensely

I don't exactly think this part was needed, considering you already listed the reasons in which they helped new nations.

[Great Zurich]

Check out the newly edited draft

...you added two, tiny lines.

I actually rewrote the whole thing

[Great Zurich]

Helping new nations out immensely

I don't exactly think this part was needed, considering you already listed the reasons in which they helped new nations.

Thank you. I will remove this line

[Mousebumples]

I'd suggest contacting some of McM's colleagues in the North Pacific for suggestions on what other accomplishments of his could be included. Aba, who replied above, may have some insight. The other players listed in the RMB for The North Pacific (newly elected WAD HMS Unicorn, and maybe also Novare Res and Grosseschnauzer) - and they might be able to suggest others that you should contact as well.

Another tip to keep in mind - proposal writing is a marathon, not a sprint. If you want this to have a chance at passing, it'll probably take a fair amount of time and effort to gather the necessary details and information to finalize the draft ... and then there's all the fine tuning of wording and polishing of phrasing, etc. I think McM would be worthy of a commendation, but I don't think that this draft properly reflects that.

[Darwinish Brentsylvania]

I like McMasterdonia's achievements, I really do. But tell us something other than in TNP that they have done, because most commendations are given to nations that have affected the world. List some achievements outside of that feeder. Also, it's also kind of short as well. Try adding more things to the proposal, and maybe it'll work out.

[Tatooene]

I agree with Mousebumples. Also, this draft gives little reason for anyone outside the North Pacific to support it. If a less local accomplishment was added, this might be something I would support.

[Ramaeus]

I like McMasterdonia's achievements, I really do. But tell us something other than in TNP that they have done, because most commendations are given to nations that have affected the world. List some achievements outside of that feeder. Also, it's also kind of short as well. Try adding more things to the proposal, and maybe it'll work out.

Commendations for regional achievements have been awarded. They aren't common, but they do happen. See Commend Loop, Commend ASBS, and Commend Krull.

[SkyDip]

Oi vey...why did you submit this....?

[Milograd]

People who continue to insist that players shouldn't be commended for regional work need to get off their high horses.

McM is a highly deserving candidate.

[North East Somerset]

People who continue to insist that players shouldn't be commended for regional work need to get off their high horses.

McM is a highly deserving candidate.

Hear hear.

Too many people seem to think SC commendations are just for WA authors to pat themselves on the back.

That said this is not a good draft and shouldn't have been submitted without further work.

[SkyDip]

People who continue to insist that players shouldn't be commended for regional work need to get off their high horses.

McM is a highly deserving candidate.

Hear hear.

Too many people seem to think SC commendations are just for WA authors to pat themselves on the back.

I don't think anyone is saying that. I think everyone is saying that this is a shit draft.

[Applebania]

The World Assembly,

RECOGNIZING that The Northern Lights of The nation tags in proposals give you the pretitle automatically. McMasterdonia as the former Longest-serving and currently outgoing WA Delegate for The North Pacific,

WISHING to recognize this nation for its contributions, Many would say this is fluff and unneeded. I would disagree, but it definitely could be better-written.

APPLAUDING the effort that The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia has taken to provide a positive environment for new and old nations alike, Elaborate more.

FURTHER NOTING that The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia has extended the amount of activity in The North Pacific in several ways, such as:

INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: Changed.

Providing Authoring a humorous and informative regional newspaper
Providing Administrating a quality forum
Securing The North Pacific from invaders and raiders They're the same thing, so saying Invaders and Raiders is redundant.
Encouraging new nations to take part in regional government and other activities, Again, more elaboration is needed.
Don't say Providing twice. It gets repetitive.

Acknowledging [nation]McMasterdonia's[/nation] authorship of SC #129 Commend Eluvatar, which recognised a nation which had worked tirelessly to protect multiple regions from tyranny, Worth a mention, and it allays the whole "He never did anything outside of TNP!" thing.

Believing that McMasterdonia more than meets the criteria for a nation worthy of commendation,

Hereby commends The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia.
Has potential but very light on the content. I'd recommend talking to the Abacathean ambassador about this one: he's involved in the governance of TNP and is also an experienced SC writer.

The newest Applebanian ambassador takes his seat in the SC. He was an Avia, a humanoid with wings on their back, much like an angel. He was rather shy, like a child going to a new school, however Joshua and Claire were busy in the GA, so a ambassador was needed for SC affairs. He sighed, and took out his pens.

"Red is complaints/suggestions, blue is additions, Green is things that are good. I've crossed out things that should go, as well."

OOC: TBH, I don't really know that much about McMasterdonia's achievements, as I'm entirely uninvolved in TNP.

(OOC: I, TBH, don't know that much

[Sanctaria]

You should probably also mention his achievements in Balder. He did some good stuff there.

[Hobbesistan]

The World Assembly,

RECOGNIZING that The Northern Lights of The nation tags in proposals give you the pretitle automatically. McMasterdonia as the former Longest-serving and currently outgoing WA Delegate for The North Pacific,

WISHING to recognize this nation for its contributions, Many would say this is fluff and unneeded. I would disagree, but it definitely could be better-written.

APPLAUDING the effort that The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia has taken to provide a positive environment for new and old nations alike, Elaborate more.

FURTHER NOTING that The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia has extended the amount of activity in The North Pacific in several ways, such as:

INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: Changed.

Providing Authoring a humorous and informative regional newspaper
Providing Administrating a quality forum
Securing The North Pacific from invaders and raiders They're the same thing, so saying Invaders and Raiders is redundant.
Encouraging new nations to take part in regional government and other activities, Again, more elaboration is needed.
Don't say Providing twice. It gets repetitive.

Acknowledging [nation]McMasterdonia's[/nation] authorship of SC #129 Commend Eluvatar, which recognised a nation which had worked tirelessly to protect multiple regions from tyranny, Worth a mention, and it allays the whole "He never did anything outside of TNP!" thing.

Believing that McMasterdonia more than meets the criteria for a nation worthy of commendation,

Hereby commends The Northern Lights of McMasterdonia.
Has potential but very light on the content. I'd recommend talking to the Abacathean ambassador about this one: he's involved in the governance of TNP and is also an experienced SC writer.

The newest Applebanian ambassador takes his seat in the SC. He was an Avia, a humanoid with wings on their back, much like an angel. He was rather shy, like a child going to a new school, however Joshua and Claire were busy in the GA, so a ambassador was needed for SC affairs. He sighed, and took out his pens.

"Red is complaints/suggestions, blue is additions, Green is things that are good. I've crossed out things that should go, as well."

OOC: TBH, I don't really know that much about McMasterdonia's achievements, as I'm entirely uninvolved in TNP.

(OOC: I, TBH, don't know that much

The SC isnt really a IC forum, that's GA territory amigo ^_^

But yes, I echo just about everyone else in the thread; McM is certainly commendable, just this resolution stinks in its current form.