NationStates

As per usual all feedback appreciated;

NB - Second draft up now, wasn't happy with the first at all, this i'm feeling a lot better about although I still think it needs touching up.

Commend Mousebumples

A resolution to recognize outstanding contribution by a nation or region.

Category: Commendation | Nominee: Mousebumples | Proposed by: Abacathea

The Security Council;

Recognizing the role of this esteemed assembly in enshrining nations of infamy and exceptional contribution alike in the annals of the World Assembly archives.

Dismayed; that a nation, which has contributed so much to the known universe and those who reside within it, has gone overlooked by this esteemed council for so long and therefore resolving to correct this grievous error post haste;

Observing that Mousebumples has contributed fourteen General Assembly and two Security Council resolutions as well as co-authored significantly more, that enrich the lives of all WA residents, including;

WA# 124, The Essential Medication Act: which guarantees the right of persons to receive treatments involving medically essential drugs, while still respecting the rights of a nation to either legalize or ban certain drugs.

WA# 151, The Missing Individuals Act: which established the Missing Individuals Archive and allowed increased cooperation on a globally international scale with regards to missing persons of all ages and genders.

WA# 215-219: A series of resolutions aimed at repealing previously flawed medical legislation and replacing those with comprehensive resolutions covering the subjects of organ donation and biomedical innovation.

Cognizant of the considerable drafting assistance that the nation of Mousebumples has provided, without prejudice, to all nations, increasing the quality of the World Assembly's resolutions,

Further observing that the achievements of this great nation are not confined solely to that of the World Assembly body, but the provision of general assistance and advice in a mentor role to developing nations, as well as to their individual region of Monkey Island to which they have been a strong and fair leader for a considerable term.

Additionally noting that the nation of Mousebumples has also directly assisted other regions in World Assembly goals and pursuits,including Europeia, where Mousebumples directed the Department of World Assembly Affairs.

Also noting that beyond their general approachability and willingness to assist nations of all ages, that Mousebumples has authored several texts for the benefit of nations which can be found dotted around the World Assembly and the universe at large.

Hereby;
Commends Mousebumples

Co-authored by The Dourian Embassy

Notes - Third Draft up today to address some issues raised by Eist.

Changes made -

• Some fluff removed, but not all, I like my writing style (sorry Eist).
• Grammatical and spelling errors fixed (if i've missed any, please do point them out, the its/it's thing is always an issue for me. Sorry gang, that rule still eludes me.
• Condensation of paragraphs for consistency and structural integrity.
• Finally at a point where we're happy, many thanks to The Dourian Embassy who preserved the act it it's core but helped really refine it.

The region is Monkey Island, and her name is misspelled in the last clause. Also, if there was a fourth-rule-compliant way to discuss her involvement with Technical stickies, that would be a good addition, as well as the roleplayed aspects of her nation, and its WA delegation's magnanimity in owning up to their colossal mistake in commending Antarctic Oasis, and personally taking the initiative to correct it.

I would remove the part mentioning the duration of her time as delegate.
It's the kind of thing that only encourages people to go and mess with it. >_>

I would love to see Mousebumples commended

Omigodtheykilledkenny wrote:The region is Monkey Island, and her name is misspelled in the last clause. Also, if there was a fourth-rule-compliant way to discuss her involvement with Technical stickies, that would be a good addition, as well as the roleplayed aspects of her nation, and its WA delegation's magnanimity in owning up to their colossal mistake in commending Antarctic Oasis, and personally taking the initiative to correct it.

Fixed the region mistake. I have NO idea how I did that given I had the region page open at the time -_-

I tried to reference the the stickies as best I can without rule violations ie; "circulated literature". As for the AO thing let me mull over how to work that in.

Frattastan II wrote:I would remove the part mentioning the duration of her time as delegate.
It's the kind of thing that only encourages people to go and mess with it. >_>

Done

I really like Mousebumples but this proposal is really poorly thought out and written. Quite frankly, I would have expected better from you! I suggest you seek a co-author; someone that knows what she's achieved well.

Frattastan II wrote:I would remove the part mentioning the duration of her time as delegate.
It's the kind of thing that only encourages people to go and mess with it. >_>

If you think I don't know exactly which delegates are at what timeframe, then you are silly Fratt.

Mousey has done excellent work in NS, I would fully support a well thought out and well written Commendation. Just don't rush it.

Eist wrote:I really like Mousebumples but this proposal is really poorly thought out and written. Quite frankly, I would have expected better from you! I suggest you seek a co-author; someone that knows what she's achieved well.

I'm surprised that there's expectancies from me as an author now lol surprised bit pleased. To be honest I'm looking at it myself and I'm not pleased with it. I have no intention of submitting it for a while. This is just an early draft. Mousebumples in my opinion is an ideal and long overlooked candidate IMO. Don't worry I'll do her justice once I've finished the research. This is just my early draft

I'd definately be for a commendation of Mousebumples.

Thanks for contacting me privately!

The Security Council;

Recognizing the role of this esteemed assembly in enshrining nations of infamy and exceptional contribution alike in the annals of the World Assembly archives.

This is irrelevant to the topic at hand. It’s filler and should be removed.

Dismayed; that a nation, who has contributed so much to the known universe and those who reside within it, has gone overlooked by this esteemed council for so long and therefore resolving to correct this grevious error post haste;

Irrelevant. If it wasn’t so, then you wouldn’t be trying to commend her—we know that this is the case already without you posting it. Say why she is important without simply stating “She’s kind of a big deal and the SC has fucked up not commending her already” without the evidence to back this up.

Observing that the nation of Mousebumples has contributed no less than 14 General Assembly resolutions and 2 Security Council resolutions to the World Assembly with the laudable approach of bettering the universe as a whole for those who reside within, including;
• WA#103 International Drug Education
• WA#124 Essential Medication Act
• WA#217 Biomedical Donor Rights

Spelling corrections, but otherwise reasonable. Not sure why you chose these ones specifically. Anyway, my suggestion would be:

“Observing that Mousebumples has contributed fourteen General Assembly and two Security Council resolutions that enrich the lives of all WA residents, including;

Do you see how much more simple and *clean* this is? It really gets rid of the crap, while simultaneously stressing that these resolutions have improved the lives of all people.

Further observing that the contributions of Mousebumples to the World Assembly do not stop merely at the authoring of acts of significance, but also the co-authoring of passages and general assistance and advice this nation provides to nations who seek it out.

The second part—Mouse as a mentor to others—is way more important than her co-authorships. You even giving it the same amount of importance as her lead authorships degrades them. Incorporate her co-authorships into the paragraph with her main authorships and make her helping the NS world a paragraph on its own. You need to research this further.

Noting that the achievements of this great nation are not confined solely to that of the World Assembly body, that the nation of Mousebumples has led Monkey Island as a strong and fair leader for a considerable term, and that it is anticipated and hoped that this will remain the status quo for time to come.

Needs more research and perhaps should be incorporated into the shortened paragraph above.

Thankful for the literature Mousebumples has provided for new nations and old alike, to clear up any misgivings or queries regarding the universe and that which operates within it, as well as this nations willingness to provide support to its fellow nations.

Ditto. Also, “its”, not “it’s”.

Believing that Mousebumples is among one of the nations who has truly contributed to the universe as we know it and should be recognised accordingly in the Security Council archives as both a mark of respect and an encouragement to new nations and old alike to follow in their path,

Hereby;
Commends Mousebumples

Spelling, again. Ditto, again. This is just fluff—not really addressing why the nation should be commended, but, rather, just there because you think the resolution should be some arbitrary minimum length. It doesn’t, and you shouldn’t think it should be. Check for formatting inconsistencies. Hope this helps!

Ill post a new draft later. I've been on ie the past few days and its not catching my spelling errors. Highly embarrassing. Back to safari tonight so! Lol

I would be more interested in this resolution, if Mousebumples wasn't a member of AO and didn't get caught in those leaks from AO that showed her dissing a lot of players and didn't play a role in organizing campaigns to disrupt the WA Votes of regions (e.g., Texas, 10000 Islands, Osiris.. and, just speculating, Europeia).

But nonetheless, if you're going to commend Mousebumples, you should probably note her contributions to her school of thought: NatSov. She wrote a few guides regarding NatSov and has always been a fierce proponent of it (to the point where I think she regularly abused her position as a mentor, but I digress).

She also helped run a (fairly-biased-towards-NatSov) tutorial on the GA in Europeia, which was organized by Sky-Dip (?).

Because of all those leaks, I don't think Mousebumples is a particularly commendable nominee.

Mahaj wrote:Because of all those leaks, I don't think Mousebumples is a particularly commendable nominee.

Right, because other Commendees never were disrespectful to other players, privately or publicly.

The issue I'm having with mousebumples other works ie; her stickies, threads and other such is that I'm aware of them but trying to work it in without touching on rule violations. I've actually researched her considerably, she was one of the first authors I was aware of when I joined the WA so I do feel this is highly worth pursuing even if time consuming. Lord knows even if it fails its worth pursuing. Bumples has done fantastic work on site. More than I hope to achieve in my time here lol

"The Queendom proudly supports a commendation of our Mousebumplian colleagues", said Princess Christine. "Opposition from the Siamese twin nations of Unibot and Mahaj is of course one of many arguments in favour."

Unibot III wrote:I would be more interested in this resolution, if Mousebumples wasn't a member of AO and didn't get caught in those leaks from AO that showed her dissing a lot of players and didn't play a role in organizing campaigns to disrupt the WA Votes of regions (e.g., Texas, 10000 Islands, Osiris.. and, just speculating, Europeia).

But nonetheless, if you're going to commend Mousebumples, you should probably note her contributions to her school of thought: NatSov. She wrote a few guides regarding NatSov and has always been a fierce proponent of it (to the point where I think she regularly abused her position as a mentor, but I digress).

She also helped run a (fairly-biased-towards-NatSov) tutorial on the GA in Europeia, which was organized by Sky-Dip (?).

For you of all people to say this is absurd. Truly absurd.

Unibot III wrote:I would be more interested in this resolution, if Mousebumples wasn't a member of AO and didn't get caught in those leaks from AO that showed her dissing a lot of players and didn't play a role in organizing campaigns to disrupt the WA Votes of regions (e.g., Texas, 10000 Islands, Osiris.. and, just speculating, Europeia).

But nonetheless, if you're going to commend Mousebumples, you should probably note her contributions to her school of thought: NatSov. She wrote a few guides regarding NatSov and has always been a fierce proponent of it (to the point where I think she regularly abused her position as a mentor, but I digress).

She also helped run a (fairly-biased-towards-NatSov) tutorial on the GA in Europeia, which was organized by Sky-Dip (?).

I bolded the erroneous part of your post there.

Anyone who actually looked at those leaks, would see you're blowing that way out of proportion. I'm not going to come out and say it looks like you're rewriting history here, but uh, it sure looks like that's what you're trying to do.

And even if you were right(which you aren't), so what? Why is any of that a big deal?

As for the rest, Mousebumples is one of the most deserving players of a commendation. Considering just how ridiculous I honestly believe condemnations and commendations to be, that's saying something.

Eist wrote:Thanks for contacting me privately!

The Security Council;

Recognizing the role of this esteemed assembly in enshrining nations of infamy and exceptional contribution alike in the annals of the World Assembly archives.

This is irrelevant to the topic at hand. It’s filler and should be removed.

Dismayed; that a nation, who has contributed so much to the known universe and those who reside within it, has gone overlooked by this esteemed council for so long and therefore resolving to correct this grevious error post haste;

Irrelevant. If it wasn’t so, then you wouldn’t be trying to commend her—we know that this is the case already without you posting it. Say why she is important without simply stating “She’s kind of a big deal and the SC has fucked up not commending her already” without the evidence to back this up.

I've left this for now I do feel the SC has fucked up overlooking her, and what follows should back it up, its just my writing style, but I may remove it later.

Eist wrote:

Observing that the nation of Mousebumples has contributed no less than 14 General Assembly resolutions and 2 Security Council resolutions to the World Assembly with the laudable approach of bettering the universe as a whole for those who reside within, including;
• WA#103 International Drug Education
• WA#124 Essential Medication Act
• WA#217 Biomedical Donor Rights

Spelling corrections, but otherwise reasonable. Not sure why you chose these ones specifically. Anyway, my suggestion would be:

“Observing that Mousebumples has contributed fourteen General Assembly and two Security Council resolutions that enrich the lives of all WA residents, including;

Do you see how much more simple and *clean* this is? It really gets rid of the crap, while simultaneously stressing that these resolutions have improved the lives of all people.

Edited accordingly.

Eist wrote:

Further observing that the contributions of Mousebumples to the World Assembly do not stop merely at the authoring of acts of significance, but also the co-authoring of passages and general assistance and advice this nation provides to nations who seek it out.

The second part—Mouse as a mentor to others—is way more important than her co-authorships. You even giving it the same amount of importance as her lead authorships degrades them. Incorporate her co-authorships into the paragraph with her main authorships and make her helping the NS world a paragraph on its own. You need to research this further.

Noting that the achievements of this great nation are not confined solely to that of the World Assembly body, that the nation of Mousebumples has led Monkey Island as a strong and fair leader for a considerable term, and that it is anticipated and hoped that this will remain the status quo for time to come.

Needs more research and perhaps should be incorporated into the shortened paragraph above.

Tidied up for now, may add more later but for now cleaned up significantly.

Eist wrote:

Thankful for the literature Mousebumples has provided for new nations and old alike, to clear up any misgivings or queries regarding the universe and that which operates within it, as well as this nations willingness to provide support to its fellow nations.

Ditto. Also, “its”, not “it’s”.

Fixed I think.

Eist wrote:

Believing that Mousebumples is among one of the nations who has truly contributed to the universe as we know it and should be recognised accordingly in the Security Council archives as both a mark of respect and an encouragement to new nations and old alike to follow in their path,

Hereby;
Commends Mousebumples

Spelling, again. Ditto, again. This is just fluff—not really addressing why the nation should be commended, but, rather, just there because you think the resolution should be some arbitrary minimum length. It doesn’t, and you shouldn’t think it should be. Check for formatting inconsistencies. Hope this helps!

I do personally wish to leave it, it's not so much about length,although I do believe it shouldn't be too short and sweet either. It's my personal writing approach to resolutions more than what has been ingrained in me.

All in all thanks for the feedback, a lot of changes have been implemented based off it and while I still have considerable work left to do, there's now a strong skeleton in place for the flesh to come thereafter.

I think you can talk about the mentor work through describing her assistance to "developing nations", which gives you an in character outlet to work with.

Something like, "Further observing that the achievements of this great nation are not confined solely to that of the World Assembly body, but the provision of general assistance and advice to developing nations as well as to their individual region of Monkey Island to which they have been a strong and fair leader for a considerable term."

I also think that in order to flesh this out, you oughta expand the bits about her resolutions. She has so many, you might want to spend some time talking about why Biomedical Donor Rights is so important. In fact, talking about 217-219 all at once might be worth your time. The Missing Person's Act(151), and The Essential Medications Act(124) might be worth two more clauses as well. I can perhaps write a few up for you when I get home tonight.

The Dourian Embassy wrote:I think you can talk about the mentor work through describing her assistance to "developing nations", which gives you an in character outlet to work with.

Something like, "Further observing that the achievements of this great nation are not confined solely to that of the World Assembly body, but the provision of general assistance and advice to developing nations as well as to their individual region of Monkey Island to which they have been a strong and fair leader for a considerable term."

I also think that in order to flesh this out, you oughta expand the bits about her resolutions. She has so many, you might want to spend some time talking about why Biomedical Donor Rights is so important. In fact, talking about 217-219 all at once might be worth your time. The Missing Person's Act(151), and The Essential Medications Act(124) might be worth two more clauses as well. I can perhaps write a few up for you when I get home tonight.

I hate relying on others to write acts for me. I take far too much pride in my work and I sincerely hope that doesn't come across as pompous arrogance it's not meant to be.

You have given me some ideas here though that ill play with and seek your feedback on when finished. Would that be ok?
Thanks for the current advice TDE, always appreciated.

Unibot III wrote:I would be more interested in this resolution, if Mousebumples wasn't a member of AO and didn't get caught in those leaks from AO that showed her dissing a lot of players and didn't play a role in organizing campaigns to disrupt the WA Votes of regions (e.g., Texas, 10000 Islands, Osiris.. and, just speculating, Europeia).

But nonetheless, if you're going to commend Mousebumples, you should probably note her contributions to her school of thought: NatSov. She wrote a few guides regarding NatSov and has always been a fierce proponent of it (to the point where I think she regularly abused her position as a mentor, but I digress).

She also helped run a (fairly-biased-towards-NatSov) tutorial on the GA in Europeia, which was organized by Sky-Dip (?).

Its times like these, Spanky, that I wonder why you crawled out of one of the pits of Hell in order to infect the Snakepit with your presense once again. Begone foul demon and never darken our towels again!

Back to the subject at hand. I support a commendation of mousey. I've been a member of her region since about 2006-2007. As a leader of the region she's been benevolent and welcoming to newcomers to the region(...well there were a few suspected raiders that were chased out). as others have stated she's been helpful in drafting legilation, and in our own region has done a little bit in schooling us in the region about proper resolution writing. Throughot her long Tenure of being delegate she's kept the regioon up to date on what is going on in the snakepit, and lets us know how she is voting, and even asks for feedback(personally I see that as silly, but of course I'm from the AO where we don't do the democratic thingy very well. ) The biggest knock against her is that she is a rabid Green Bay Packers fan, but then nobody's perfect.
Excelsior,
Sen. Horatio Sulla

Frattastan II wrote:

Mahaj wrote:Because of all those leaks, I don't think Mousebumples is a particularly commendable nominee.

Right, because other Commendees never were disrespectful to other players, privately or publicly.

Wait wait wait wait. How are Unibot and Mahaj saying this?

The Imperial Chiefdom has had strong relations with Mousebumples for a long time. We remember working with their delegation in the NSUN to create the Universal Library Coalition. Their ambassador was unfailingly polite to our delegation even on contentious points we raised, and we ultimately reached an eminently satisfactory resolution in time. We were thrilled to play a small role in reinvigorating their activity in the WA, and believe that they are due a commendation for their efforts. We have enclosed a sample below for comment or adaptation for this proposal:

RECOGNIZING the tireless dedication of the Mousebumples delegation to the betterment of the World Assembly, including:

1. The authorship of several strong resolutions (insert resolutions here)
2. The ability to draw together differing groups in search of reasonable legislative compromise,
3. Maintaining impeccable diplomatic decorum in their public dealings in the Assembly, and
4. Providing advice and assistance to new proposal authors, even in opposition to the legislation in question.

Thank you for your time.

Tau Kriov
Imperial Chiefdom of Krioval