NationStates

MODEDIT: proposal text as submitted:

The Security Council,

NOTING that since the re-founding of the The Incorporated States of Blackhelm Confederacy the nation has attacked over fifty-two peaceful and sovereign nations for natural resources,

RECOGNIZING the threat that the Blackhelm Confederacy poses towards international safety and goodwill by its intention to take over peaceful nations holding natural resources like oil,

SHOCKED in the above mentioned conflicts unarmed civilians were often intentionally shot, raped, and tortured as a means of striking fear into the opposing nation,

APPALLED that the Blackhelm Confederacy uses slave labor to produce oil for a price severely below the market,

FURTHER NOTING the recent suppression of minorities in the Blackhelm Confederacy, where innocent people, including young children, were assaulted, raped, executed , locked in "salvation camps" or sold to work as slaves in other nations because of their religious background,

SUMMARIZING that the Blackhelm Confederacy's violations of human rights and excessive violence against sovereign nations and civilians as described above is absolutely terrifying, and should be deemed unacceptable by the World Assembly,

Hereby condemns Blackhelm Confederacy.

Authored By: The United people of Andorianus

EDIT: Re-submitted, sixth draft.

My first draft ever. I sure hope I'm doing it right. If not, please say so, I really am desperate.

I need a bit of help here. You see, I have the facts, including links, but I am not sure if I got the format right. Plus I think there are a few biased opinions in it and a bit of other non-factual information as well. Plus, spelling and grammar.

This is my first proposal, and I sure do hope it passes. If there is anyone out there who truly deserves a condemnation, it is Blackhelm. But for this proposal to pass it does need to be flawless, otherwise it might be seen as "unprofessional" or "biased" and won't pass.

I'll just post it below:

Draft 1:


EDIT 1: Fixed a few spelling and grammar errors, removed or changed a few unnecesary clauses, removed link, added comma's. Also added a minor part about the Confederacy's colonies and added a part about attacks against civillians.
EDIT 2: Fixed some more spelling and grammar errors, ephasized parts about attacks on civillians and why that is a bad thing, added a part about rape and plunder, added a part about human trafficing. 'Trafficing'. I know I spelled that word wrong. Also, I altered the introduction to sound more "official".
EDIT 3: Rewrote the last few clauses entirely, thanks to suggestions from Mostly Armless. I also emphasized that genocide and human tarrificking are violations of human rights. Removed "other nations" and replaced it with "allied nations", to emphasize the Confederacy's ideas of friendly nations. Also fixed a spelling error. From now on I do not intent to change much to the description; otherwise you guys will have to check my grammar and spelling time and time again.
EDIT 4: Just found out something about suicide attacks in Christantle, peformed by a group that lies under Confederacy protection. Added 4 lines about this attack and the Confederacy protection. Also fixed grammar again, fixed a typo, and re-ordered the clauses.
EDIT 5: Completely redrafting the proposal.

Draft 2:

Description: Condemn Blackhelm Confederacy

Catagory: Condemnation

Nominee: Blackhelm Confederacy

Description: The Security Council:

Description: The Security Council:

RECOGNIZING the threat that the Blackhelm Confederacy poses towards international safety and goodwill by its intention to take over peaceful nations holding natural resources like oil,

NOTING that since the re-founding of the Blackhelm Confederacy the nation has attacked over 52 peaceful and sovereign nations for natural resources,

SHOCKED that in the above mentioned conflicts unarmed civillians were often intentionally shot, raped, and tortured as a means of striking fear into the opposing nation,

APPALLED that the Blackhelm Confederacy uses slave labour to produce oil for a price severely below the market,

FURTHER NOTING the recent suppression of minorities in the Blackhelm Confederacy, where innocent people, including young children, were hurt, raped, executed , locked in so called "salvation camps" or sold to work as slaves in other nations because of their religious background,

SUMMARIZING that the Blackhelm Confederacy's violations of human rights and excessive violence against other nations and civillians as described above is absolutely terrfying, and should be deemed unacceptable by the World Assembly,

Hereby condemns Blackhelm Confederacy.

Sources:
---Helvanthur Royal Oil was threatened and then got attacked (resolved by ignore cannon):
---Ruskarland Oil was bribed and threatened: viewtopic.php?f=6&t=90950&p=4455207#p4455207
---Emir Oil also got attacked. viewtopic.php?f=6&t=73970
---Khlyj got attacked too. Residential buildings were intentionally tagreted by Confederacy planes. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=74105&p=3444970&
---An entire region, the Pacific, got attacked. Again it was about oil. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=12269
---This is the thread where the war on Emir Oil got commenced. For some reason there are a lot of nations sided with Griffincrest on this one: the flaming probably has something to do with it. It ended pretty badly, with another nation who needed to stand up against Blackhelm. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=74105
---Just a small mention of Blackhelm's imperialism here, most likely not worth it since it has a moral background and because the thread died before anything really happened. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=69887&p=3210902#p3210902
---There are many more GE&T threads out there that fell under Griffincrest's imperialism, but I can't find them yet.
---The Griffincrest Corporation storefront. Contains little facts, but still it might be worth noting, as the Griffincrest Corp is a vital part of this proposal. viewtopic.php?f=6&t=98949&p=5021135#p5021135
---A megathread here, confirming all the facts I placed about genocide and slave trade: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=91417
---A roleplay that also died, about Castigonia's defeat against Blackhelm Confederacy. The roleplay should be attached, I couldn't find it manually: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=71603
---Suicide terrorist attacks on civillian targets peformed by the Blackhelm Confederacy. I didn't include that either, maybe I should? viewtopic.php?f=5&t=100394&p=4994485#p4994485
---Finally some information about the corporate alliance: I personally thought it didn't contain enough facts to be placed in here, but nevertheless: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=91417
---EDIT: Just found out information on this terror attack, also peformed in the name of the Confederacy. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=101283&p=5037116#p5037116
---EDIT: And another one, simmilar to that, here: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=100394&p=5005636&hilit
---EDIT: Another war for oil found. Civillians have been raped and looted by Confederacy soldiers. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=58230&p
---EDIT: Proof of torture. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=17164&p=624923&
---EDIT: Allright, one more then. An attack ad on Zastavia oil, followed by a war after Zastavia oil denied he used child labour. viewtopic.php?f=6&t=28486&p=1125708&hilit=Army#p1125708
---EDIT: Proof of forced labour: viewtopic.php?f=6&t=7496

In addition I also have met someone who had these threats on his own forum too, but called in the mods after it got particulary OOC and violent. I guess words are not a reliable source, unless Blackhelm Confederacy himself confirms that.

Finally, there are some concerns about using puppets to influence roleplays and spreading false information... But I won't include those, as it is OOC.

So, comments?

Andorianus wrote:NOTING that according to Confederacy law, all oil in the entire world belongs by to the Confederacy's largest company, the Griffinchest Corporation, and that the oil fields shall be handed over at all costs

Unnecessary word.

DISTRUBED that this Griffinchest Corporation will do everything neccesary to take this oil from the competition, often by force

Disturbed?

POINTING that said acts are in direct violation of the following General Assembly act: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=38486

You can't have thread links in proposals - just name the resolution.

Overall, it's a good first proposal, though there's room to improve. I may comment more later on, but I'll give others a chance to do so first. I'd recommend waiting a few days before submitting it, so that people have a chance to give you feedback.

In general, though the changes Sedge mentioned need to be made,I do think that this is a rather good resolution, and a well deserved one at that.

Andorianus wrote:

Description: Condemn Blackhelm Confederacy

Catagory: Condemnation

Nominee: Blackhelm Confederacy

Description: The World Assembly:

Members of the security coucil (A, it's spelled COUNCIL, and B, we know its in the SC, this isn't needed)

RECOGNIZING the threat Blackhelm Confederacy poses towards international safety and goodwill,

POINTING the Confederacy's intention to take over neutral territories (fixed spelling) that hold natural resources such as like oil, (The wording implied there were other resources as well.)

NOTING that according to Confederacy law the Confederacy has declared that , all oil in the entire world belongs by to the Confederacy's largest company, the Griffinchest Corporation, and that the oil fields shall be handed over at all costs,

DISTRUBED that this Griffinchest Corporation will do everything neccesary to take this oil from the competition, often by force including using force,

SHOCKED by Blackhelm Confederacy's agressive and imperialist attitude towards international politics,

DEEPLY DISTURBED by the Confederacy's intent of showing display of extreme agression at nations smaller then Blackhelm Confederacy itself,

ALSO DISTURBED by the Confederacy's imperialist campaigns against defenceless nations, (You might also try FURTHER DISTURBED)

ANGERED SHOCKED by Blackhelm's The Confederacy's act of ignoring any diplomatic contact and complaints sent by the nation targeted for invasion, in an attempt to evade this from happening of diplomacy,

DISTURBED by Blackhelm Confederacy's excessive agression against other nations (Just plain not needed, already mentioned aggression earlier)

ALSO NOTING recent suspression of Muslims minorities in the Blackhelm Confderacy, where innocent people where killed, hurt, and raped, because of their religious background, (Mentioning a real world ideology could be problematic.)

POINTING that said acts are in direct violation of the following General Assembly act: http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=38486 (Just name the act)

SHOCKED that young children were not spared from the Confederacy's brutality, (Should probably move this up somewhere else where you talked about brutality. For example, two clauses above this)

TERRIFIED that a nation like Blackhelm Confederacy would peform these absolutely inhumane actions,

SUMMARIZING the nation of Blackhelm Confederacy should be condemned for crimes against humanity and violence and opression against peaceful nations. (I don't think a summary is needed, the clause above this is good enough)

Hereby condemns the Blackhelm Confederacy.

remove in red, add in blue, comments in green.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, it really helped. And sorry for my grammar, I know it sucks.

Version 2.0 is up now.

Do I need to add or remove anything else?

POINTING that said actions are in direct violation of the GA resolution #38, "Convention Against Genocide", which applies to all nations in the world, including non-WA members,

It doesn't. General Assembly resolution only apply to WA nations.

Description: Condemn Blackhelm Confederacy

Catagory: Condemnation

Nominee: Blackhelm Confederacy

Description: The World Assembly:

*snip*

ALSO NOTING the recent suppression of minorities in the Blackhelm Confederacy, where innocent people, including children young children, were killed, hurt, and raped, because of their religious background,

TERRIFIED that a nation like Blackhelm Confederacy would perform these absolutely inhumane actions against innocent normal people civilians,

POINTING that said actions are in direct violation of the GA resolution #38, "Convention Against Genocide", which applies to all nations in the world, including non-WA members,

Hereby condemns the Blackhelm Confederacy.

I've cleaned up the last section for you; additions in blue, spelling corrections in red and removals stuck out.

NOTING that the Confederacy declared that all oil in the entire world belongs to the Confederacy's largest company, the Griffinchest Corporation, and that the oil fields shall be handed over at all costs,

DISTURBED that this Griffinchest Corporation will do everything neccesary to take this oil from the competition, including using force,

You refer to Griffinchest Corporation, but the corporation is named Griffincrest. (Source: viewtopic.php?f=6&t=101022&hilit=Griffincrest)

Sorry for the delay, gentlemen. Here it comes:

You refer to Griffinchest Corporation, but the corporation is named Griffincrest.

Before I heard of that thread, he seemed to be calling it Griffinchest Corporation every single time. Maybe to distinct the corporation from it's CEO (named Claudius Griffinchest).

Mostly Armless and Sedgistan: It shall be fixed.

EDIT: Just in case you all don't know, Andorianus is my puppet, and I accidentally posted with the wrong nation.

Version 3 is up. That most likely means even more spelling and grammar errors, I'm sorry.

Andorianus wrote:

Description: Condemn Blackhelm Confederacy

Catagory: Condemnation

Nominee: Blackhelm Confederacy

Description: The World Assembly:

RECOGNIZING the threat Blackhelm Confederacy poses towards international safety and goodwill,

POINTING out the Confederacy's intention to take over neutral territories that hold natural resources like oil,

NOTING that the Confederacy declared that all oil in the entire world belongs to the Confederacy's largest company, the Griffinchest Corporation, and that the oil fields shall be handed over at all costs,

DISTURBED that this the Griffinchest Corporation will do everything neccesary to take this oil from the competition, including using force,

SHOCKED by Blackhelm Confederacy's agressive and imperialist attitude towards international politics,

DEEPLY DISTURBED by the Confederacy's display of extreme agression at nations smaller then itself or its many colonies,

FURTHER DISTURBED by the Confederacy's imperialist campaigns against defenceless nations, where unarmed civillians were are also intentionally targeted for the purpose is of striking fear and terror

SHOCKED by cases of rape and plunder commited by Confederecy soldiers in forementioned conflicts, and allowed that they are allowed to by the local commanding officers,

POINTING that aforementioned ? actions belong in the catagory of war crimes, and have been peformed many times before,

SHOCKED by the Confederacy's act of ignoring any diplomatic contact and complaints sent by the nation targeted for invasion, in an attempt of diplomacy,

FINALISING by Blackhelm Confederacy's excessive violence against other nations as described above is deemed unacceptable by the World Assembly,

ALSO NOTING the recent suppression of minorities in the Blackhelm Confederacy, where innocent people, including children young children, were killed, hurt and raped, because of their religious background,

TERRIFIED that a nation like Blackhelm Confederacy would perform these absolutely inhumane actions against its own innocent civilians,

POINTING that genocide is against all standards of the World Assembly, and can not be justified,

ALSO SHOWING that the Confederacy has sold said minorities to as work work as slaves to in other nations,

NOTIFYING? human trafficking is another one of the many violations of human rights peformed by the Confederacy,

Hereby condemns the Blackhelm Confederacy.

So I've cleaned it up again. Green is notes for others, blue are additions, strikes are removals and red is spelling.

I'd be for this all the way
It's a good one.

Globexanter wrote:I'd be for this all the way
It's a good one.

Thank you! And thanks for all your help you provided me with this; sending links and such.

@Mostly Armless: most of these will also be changed, but I have a few questions\comments about this:

NOTIFYING(?)

I thought it was a normal English word? Isn't it? AFAIK it means "taking note of something".

POINTING that aforementioned (?) actions

Y'know, rape and plundering. Those are the aforementioned actions.

ALSO SHOWING that the Confederacy has sold said minorities to as workwork as slaves to in other nations,

I think there has to be some notice that the minorities in this sentence are the same minorities as the people killed, raped, hurt, etc.

Andorianus wrote:

Globexanter wrote:I'd be for this all the way
It's a good one.

Thank you! And thanks for all your help you provided me with this; sending links and such.

@Mostly Armless: most of these will also be changed, but I have a few questions\comments about this:

NOTIFYING(?)

I thought it was a normal English word? Isn't it? AFAIK it means "taking note of something".

POINTING that aforementioned (?) actions

Y'know, rape and plundering. Those are the aforementioned actions.

ALSO SHOWING that the Confederacy has sold said minorities to as workwork as slaves to in other nations,

I think there has to be some notice that the minorities in this sentence are the same minorities as the people killed, raped, hurt, etc.

The one about notifying was whether it was the correct word to use in that context.
I thought forementioned should be aforementioned but I'm not sure.
Fair enough. I would have probably said 'these'.

Mostly armless wrote:

Andorianus wrote:@Mostly Armless: most of these will also be changed, but I have a few questions\comments about this:
I thought it was a normal English word? Isn't it? AFAIK it means "taking note of something".
Y'know, rape and plundering. Those are the aforementioned actions.
I think there has to be some notice that the minorities in this sentence are the same minorities as the people killed, raped, hurt, etc.

The one about notifying was whether it was the correct word to use in that context.
I thought forementioned should be aforementioned but I'm not sure.
Fair enough. I would have probably said 'these'.

Allright, v3.1; "Forementioned" is now changed into "Aforementioned". "Said" is now changed in "these".

I have no idea whether "notifying" would be gramitically correct. I'm not English. Someone else needs to help me on that part.

After that, would this be ready for submitting? Would there be a good chance of this being approved? If it doesn't get approved, can I try again later?

Andorianus wrote:

Mostly armless wrote:The one about notifying was whether it was the correct word to use in that context.
I thought forementioned should be aforementioned but I'm not sure.
Fair enough. I would have probably said 'these'.

Allright, v3.1; "Forementioned" is now changed into "Aforementioned". "Said" is now changed in "these".

I have no idea whether "notifying" would be gramitically correct. I'm not English. Someone else needs to help me on that part.

After that, would this be ready for submitting? Would there be a good chance of this being approved? If it doesn't get approved, can I try again later?

I would probably change it to ALSO NOTING or something like that. To notify is tell somebody something, as in Notify the police! There's been a robbery!.

That would do. However, maybe some other simmilar word would be better? The draft says that "ALSO NOTING" about 5 times already, a different word would make it more exiting to read I suppose. But I can't think of any word simmilar to that.

Maybe you might want to list just one region that they invaded, for reference purposes. Apart from that, and it might be one of my stupid ideas, it is -worthy.

Dystopianus wrote:That would do. However, maybe some other simmilar word would be better? The draft says that "ALSO NOTING" about 5 times already, a different word would make it more exiting to read I suppose. But I can't think of any word simmilar to that.

*snip*

ALSO NOTING the recent suppression of minorities in the Blackhelm Confederacy, where innocent people, including children young children, were killed, hurt, raped, and locked in so called "salvation camps" because of their religious background,

ALSO SHOWING that the Confederacy has sold these minorities to work as slaves in other nations,

TERRIFIED that a nation like Blackhelm Confederacy would perform these absolutely inhumane actions against its own innocent civilians,

LASTLY POINTING out that genocide and human trafficking are against all standards of the World Assembly and can not be justified,

ALSO SHOWING that the Confederacy has sold these minorities to work as slaves in other nations,

NOTIFYING human trafficing is another one of the many violations of human rights peformed by the Confederacy,

Hereby condemns the Blackhelm Confederacy.

How about that?

Exactly what I needed, thanks. Will update tomorrow, it's getting late here...

Corporation de Apple wrote:Maybe you might want to list just one region that they invaded, for reference purposes. Apart from that, and it might be one of my stupid ideas, it is -worthy.

I consider that as a compliment, so thanks!

Blackhelm Confedercy is AFAIK not engaged in the raider-defender game: only roleplay wars.

V4.0 is up. Btw, I'm pretty much new here on the SC, do I need to find regional delegates and tell them to approve this, or is there a good chance of this being approved anyways?

Description: Condemn Blackhelm Confederacy

Catagory: Condemnation

Nominee: Blackhelm Confederacy

Description: The World Assembly:

DEDICATED to international safety and goodwill,

RECOGNIZING the threat the Blackhelm Confederacy poses towards international safety and goodwill,

POINTING out the Confederacy's intention to take over neutral territories that hold natural resources like oil,

NOTING that the Confederacy declared that all oil in the entire world belongs to the Confederacy's largest company, the Griffinchest Corporation, and that the oil fields shall be handed over at all costs,

DISTURBED that the Griffinchest Corporation will do everything neccesary to take this oil from the competition, including using force,

SHOCKED by the Blackhelm Confederacy's aggressive and imperialistic attitude towards international politics,

DEEPLY DISTURBED by the Confederacy's display of extreme aggression at nations smaller then itself or its many colonies,

FURTHER DISTURBED by the Confederacy's imperialist campaigns against defenceless nations, where unarmed civillians are were also intentionally targeted for the purpose of striking fear and terror,

SHOCKED by the cases of rape and plunder commited by Confederecy soldiers in the aforementioned conflicts, and that they are allowed to by the local commanding officers,

POINTING out that aforementioned actions belong in the catagory of war crimes, and have been performed many times before,

SHOCKED by the Confederacy's act of ignoring any diplomatic contact and or complaints sent by the nation targeted for invasion, in an attempt of diplomacy,

FINALISING FURTHER NOTING by that the Blackhelm Confederacy's excessive violence against other nations as described above is deemed unacceptable by the World Assembly,


ALSO NOTING the recent suppression of minorities in the Blackhelm Confederacy, where innocent people, including children young children, were killed, hurt, raped, and locked in so called "salvation camps" because of their religious background,

ALSO NOTING the recent suppression of minorities in the Blackhelm Confederacy, where innocent people, including children young children, were killed, hurt, raped, and locked in so called "salvation camps" because of their religious background,

ALSO SHOWING that the Confederacy has sold these minorities to work as slaves in allied nations,

TERRIFIED that a nation like the Blackhelm Confederacy would perform these absolutely inhumane actions against its own innocent civilians,

LASTLY POINTING out that genocide and human trafficking are one of the many unjustified violations of human rights, and are against all standards of the World Assembly and can not be justified,

Hereby condemns the Blackhelm Confederacy.

I've done some more edits for you.
Same as before; spelling corrections in red, blue are additions, strike outs are removals.

Andorianus wrote:V4.0 is up. Btw, I'm pretty much new here on the SC, do I need to find regional delegates and tell them to approve this, or is there a good chance of this being approved anyways?

http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?p=4088739#p4088739

Thank you once again. You have been really helpful with all your additions. Will edit again tomorrow.

Btw, that "proposal campaigning" seems like a difficult and tiring process... Uh, how do I start? I really, really want this to pass, it is a solid and justified condemnation, but I'm afraid I won't get enough approvals?

Andorianus wrote:Thank you once again. You have been really helpful with all your additions. Will edit again tomorrow.

Btw, that "proposal campaigning" seems like a difficult and tiring process... Uh, how do I start? I really, really want this to pass, it is a solid and justified condemnation, but I'm afraid I won't get enough approvals?

Well...I've never actually authored a proposal myself. Your best bet to see if the proposal was good enough would be to ask one of the veterans of the WA.

Personally, I think it is pretty good but, then again, who am I to judge?