Kennyites gear up for congressional elections
LIBERALS SEIZE CONTROL OF CONGRESS
PARADISE CITY --- In a rebuke to the Fernanda Administration's perceived mishandlings of the War on Terror, and repeated scandals (most of them involving sex in some way), Kennyite voters awarded the opposition Liberal Party majorities in both houses of Congress Tuesday, turning many of the president's fellow Conservative incumbents out of office.
Early returns Wednesday morning showed Liberals appeared to win 401 seats in the 750-member Federal Assembly, leaving Conservatives with just 340, and several races still too close to call. Two other seats were won by independents. In the Senate, where parties vied for control of nine out of 25 state delegations, Liberals picked up five states, for a 16-9 split.
In all, 20 Liberals had won or were winning their respective Senate races Wednesday morning; Conservatives just 12. As each state gets only one vote in the upper chamber of Congress, control is determined by which party holds majorities in most of the state delegations.
An enraged President Fernanda vowed "revenge" in a Wednesday morning news conference, claiming that the results "clearly show that the Federal Republic is now a haven for terrorists and evildoers," and "must be liberated." The president was about to announce a "major military offensive" to quell the "new terrorist regime" in Congress, when Secretary of State Alex Tehrani suddenly appeared behind him and rendered him unconscious with a rag soaked in chloroform.
Fernanda supposedly had been playing pranks on Liberals all through election night, including signing an executive order forcing all Liberal congressman-elect to drop their pants and do the chicken dance while singing "Camptown Races" at the opening of the next Congress.
The president also ordered a group of schoolchildren to stand outside the local campaign offices of Liberal Assemblyman-elect Gus Wheatley -- a municipal bus driver who accused the Fernanda Administration of neglecting the nation's transportation infrastructure -- and sing "The Wheels on the Bus" until Wheatley tragically lost his mind.
Police said Wednesday morning that they were investigating a mysterious delivery of 100 foot-long beef franks to Assemblywoman-elect Juanita Horalota, L-Xt'Kalifia, who had criticized the president for his many sex scandals, even though she wouldn't exactly be caught wearing white on her own wedding day, if you know what we mean. Though Horalota had already hungrily devoured half the hot dogs when the police arrived, she told them she suspected Frowning Street involvement.
The incidents prompted a defiant response from presumptive Assembly Speaker-elect John Hankley, L-Thorland. "We will not be cowed into retreat," Hankley said during his victory speech Tuesday night. "We only do that with terrorists." The assemblyman pledged to take the president to the Supreme Court if need be to overturn his suspect executive orders.
However, the Supreme Court is out of commission for the moment, that is until the chief justice regains his wits and stops insisting that all legal arguments be presented as kabuki plays.
The prevalence of hot-button issues such as the administration's "botched" invasions of Chechnya and Tiki Taki wasn't the only thing driving the Liberal victory march: transportation also proved a stealth issue in Tuesday's elections, especially after an eight-mile, federally managed stretch of freeway, constructed shortly after Fernanda came to office, collapsed in Colorado. It wasn't even a bridge; the Earth just seemed to swallow the freeway whole.
A slate of Colorado Liberals for the Senate, led by anti-whaling lobbyist Jack Gnight, won as a result, despite assurances from federal transportation engineers that they would test the integrity of ice shelves before building highways on them from now on. Gnight was unavailable for comment on his ouster of long-serving Colorado Sen. Nighthorse Johnson, having chosen election night to chase down a WhaleCo Global LLC whaling vessel with a Greenpeace banner.
Massive congestion on federal highways was enough to drive Greg Lukis, C-Chocolate Salty Is., from his Assembly seat. Lukis was notorious for sponsoring numerous "pork-barrel" transportation earmarks in federal appropriations. He is to be replaced by Liberal Bootsy Barnes, former billboard model.
In response to victories by Barnes, Gnight and Wheatley, Fernanda angrily ordered California State Highway 101 and Interstate 405 to be transferred to OMGTKK, brick by brick. "They think traffic's bad now, just you wait!" the president reportedly told an aid.
None of this, however, will stop Liberals from seizing the gavel in both legislative chambers later this year and advancing their agenda, administration officials privately conceded. Chief among their concerns is the possible reopening of impeachment proceedings against the president in the Assembly Judiciary Committee, which were closed during the invasion of Chechnya in Feb. 2006. Speaker-elect Hankley has refused to state whether he will allow such a motion to proceed to the floor.
The fate of federal appointees poses another problem for Fernanda and his administration. Cdr. Jenny Chiang's term as acting ambassador to the United Nations expires in just a few weeks, and she lacks fans in the newly elected Senate Liberal Caucus. Her threat to torture senators until they agree to support her nomination has not switched many votes, either. "I think we're all a little tired of that joke by now," said Sen. Nancy Burrows, L-Graceland.
Asked who would likely be named to replace Chiang this month, Tehrani would only cackle evilly.
Ariddia congratulates Liberals
Ariddian Ambassador Jane Ranomezanjanahary-Souvanhnavongsa-Fincfeuiaki issued a brief statement, on behalf of her government, congratulating the winners of the OMGTKK congressional elections.
"Ariddia wishes the Federal Congress well in tackling the various issues which confront Omigodtheykilledkenny," the statement read.
Ambassador Ranomezanjanahary also urged President Fernanda to establish a "good, constructive working relationship with the new congressional majority, for the good of all Kennyites".
Altanar International Media Service
Morning news broadcast
In international news, His Majesty's Government today praised the victory of the Liberal Party in the recent Congressional elections in Omigodtheykilledkenny.
"We are pleased to see that the electorate of OMGTKK has made the choice that they have, and hope that everyone in the Federal Congress works together and promotes positive leadership in OMGTKK. The government of Altanar looks forward to working with this new Congress, and we hope for stronger and improved relations with OMGTKK," acting Prime Minister Jaris Krytellin said in a brief statement.
In a related story, the fallout in Altanar itself over a "wrestling tournament" political ad that ran on this network in OMGTKK during the run-up to the elections continues to rain down. Both womens' rights groups and the Islamic church in Altanar are demanding an investigation into the ad. Womens' groups claim the ad was demeaning to women; Islamic clerics are upset that the ad, in their words, "insulted and demeaned the faith of Islam and violated the supposed freedom of religion guarantee of the Altanari Constitution". The government denied any knowledge of the ad's source, and stated that there will be a "full investigation" into the matter.
The Courier-Sarge, Sargedain's largest bagura-language newspaper, carried this story relating to the Liberal victory in the Kennyite congress:
SARGEDAIN- The victory of the Liberal party in the Kennyite congressional elections spells difficulties for the administration of Manuelo Fernanda and his conservative powerbase, but the Tuhran Bel, which offered their support to the conservative party during the elections, is not overly concerned about the state of affairs in the Federal Republic.
Surprisingly, the Bel took steps to reverse their earlier declarations of support for the conservatives by publishing a legal decree indicating the "desire of the Tuhran Bel to allow foreign nations the freest latitude in deciding their own governments as is possible. We shall not interfere, through physical or other means, with the independent elections of foreign powers."
Possible fear over Kennyite repercussions may have prompted the Bel to make its decree. However things go, the relations with the Federal Republic are believed to be new enough to warrant special attention, and even though the Bel has pledged not to interfere in foreign nations, it is unlikely that the Bel-Ha'ad will be turning a blind eye to the Kennyites anytime soon.
Nergal-shari-usur
Courier-Sarge
