Rednecks! El Dos! (OOC, OPEN, Join now for free pork!)

[Constaniana]

Rednecks! Again!

IC

Twice the threads means twice the weird face pictures

There was fifty holes in our old tin roof,
Me and my family was livin' proof
That people who forgot about poor white trash,
And if that ain't 'Country', I'll kiss your ass.
If that ain't 'country', it'll hair-lip the Pope.
If that ain't 'country', it's a damn good joke.
I've seen the Grand Ol' Opry, and I've met Johnny Cash.
If that ain't 'Country', I'll kiss your ass.
-"If That Ain't Country", David Allan Coe

Howdy folks, remember this thingmy? I decided to do it again, but this time with that durn dice whachamacallit. For y'all godless Yankees and foreigners lurkin' this thread, the premise is that rednecks go around using Redneck Magic to get into various stereotypical hijinks. Hopefully there's more action and this incarnation gets past a hundred posts. But hey, rebooting a roleplay after waiting a bit has generally worked out for me, so I think this can manage too. An initial plot of some sort will be offered, despite knowing that with the people I'm inviting it will be summarily ignored, as it should be. This knowledge lets me get away with using a lazy plot.

Tip of my straw hat and flap of my Stars and Bars and/or mullet to Olthar for bestowing the Dice System unto us in general. I'll be rolling with a 10-sided dice, because ten is closer to the number of states in the C.S.A than six. I'll apply a +1 bonus to your major skill roll and a -1 to the minor skill roll. Equipment rolls get no buffs or penalties.

Code: Select all

[b]Name:[/b]
[b]Age:[/b]
[b]Appearance:[/b]
[b]Bio:[/b]
[b]Major Skill:[/b]
[b]Minor Skill:[/b]
[b]Weapon:[/b]
[b]Clothing:[/b]

Still technically critically acclaimed!

"I somewhat like it"

Good.

Good.

"This makes us ashamed to live on the same landmass as Alabama."

As a citizen of the American South I can safely announce that this is indeed the most accurate depiction I have ever seen.

"Where can I find some sulphur to distract myself from this?"

Con, what you've created here is nothing short of a masterpiece, I shall enjoy watching.

"General Sherman wasn't thorough enough.

Yes, I know the coding looks clumsy. But if you end up spending too much time worryin' 'bout your compooters and such here in the Ozarks then ye end up like Billy Ray Racoonbreath and get gored by a razorback.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

What the fuck have you done?

[Constaniana]

Name: Billy-Bob Joseph Robert Sampson
Age: Mah mama taught me ta count with mah fingers, so I can't go pass nine ever since tha wood chipper accident.
Appearance: Mah mama says I look purtyier than a ham on Christmas.
Bio: I was born on a farm, an' that's where I've spent mah whole life. Mah mama taught me herself. She said school was full o' them evilutionists and athumtheists. I don't rightly know what they's is, but mah mama says they're ruinin' tha country.
Major Skill: 6+1. Your mama was durn right, sonny. You can git muddy and wrestle 'dem hogs with the best of 'em. +2 Pig-wrangling rolls
Minor Skill: 6-1. You technically were the smartest at home, yessiree. But ye weren't up against much competition, mind. Your mind won't handle itself too well against folks like high-falutin city slickers with the librull arts degrees. +1 smurts
Weapon: 5. Your shotgun trusts you modestly.
Clothing: 5. You do indeed have your overalls, boots and hat. Congrats on not having them eaten by a possum.
Inventory: Overalls, boots and hat set of +0; Broken Bong of -2 attack, Ganja thug rastacap of +2 dank; Red cap of +3 pompous racism; 80 kegs of Bud Shite, brand new barbecue, Dai-Gurren naval shotgun of +4 attack
Earned skills:+3 interaction with Miss Queen, +1 teleportation

Name: Sir Winthrop Eddleton the Younger
Age: 22, or thereabouts
Appearance: Wears them overalls, yknow. Occasionally a shirt, but doesn't really bother nine times out of ten. Thick waders that keep out the muck of the swamps. There are swamps, probably? Also a tall black hat that looks suspiciously silken.
Bio: To be revealed, depending on how I fill out the multiple-choice questionnaire.
Major Skill: 1+1. You failed your ancestors it would seem, or perhaps some curse is sorely draining you of your talents here. Sorry mate. -2 machinin'
Minor Skill: 6-1. However, you still manage to make people like you, even if you did break their car four different ways. +1 Charismatin'.
Weapon: 7. Your weapon functions just like you says it should, yesseree. You can use it to fend folks off when they come to avenge their washin' machine, even!
Clothing: 7. Your outfit comes together mighty fine, partner. Not a patch or booze stain in sight.
Inventory: Suspicious shotcane of +2 attack; silky, steampunkish mechanic's outfit of +2 defence, antique treasure map, 2 cartons of cigarettes, bar of squirrel jerky, drywall shield of +1 defence
Earned skills: +3 bonus to rallying Southerners and frightening Northerners via Rebel Yell

Name: Cletus, just Cletus....
Age: Who's Counting?
Appearance: I'm hotter than a mess of collard greens on the back burner of a $4 stove.
Bio: I grew up in Georgia in a one church town. Grew legs and jumped the pond. Had the flames of hell nipping at my heels. Couldn't stay N no place fo too long. So, I travelin around till I met up with muh band. Got on the static box with a one hit wonder, ya know the song. "Gonna get drunk then drink a beer" Well, that me. Now I just livin between the glory days.
Major Skill: 9+1. Your mastery of playing strings is unparalleled. Unfortunately, your fingers hurt all the time when you're not playing and might burst open at any moment. +3 playing strings
Minor Skill: 7-1. Ye can spit alright too there, pardner. +1 spitting.
Weapon: 2. Your banjo has a gapin' hole, and the only string it has left is out of tune.
Clothing: 8. You've sure got some fancy clothes there, bought with your fancy moosicalician moneys, I reckon.
Inventory: Broken banjo of -2 attack; Fashionable, fancy blue jeans/boots/hat ensemble +2 charm, official militia wifebeater, functional AR-15 of +2 attack

Name: Emma-Lee Lee
Age: She ain't too sure, but somewhere around 17-22 perhaps.
Appearance:

(Image)

Bio: Her parents were magicians. Of sorts. At least they wore robes and called themselves Grand Wizards... They passed down their knowledge and philosophy to their eldest son, Emma-Lee's older brother, may the Lord have mercy on his soul, while Emma-Lee herself spent most of her days with her aunt, uncle and cousins who taught her everything about moonshining.
Major Skill: 8+1. You're actually very attractive, even to outsiders. Maybe your regular showers help in that regard. +3 charm
Minor Skill: 7-1. Your family taught you rather decently. You shouldn't have extreme difficulty in this trade. +1 moonshining.
Weapon: 2. This knife is broken, so all you have is the handle.
Clothing: 5. You do indeed wear what you say, lil' lady. Nothing high-falutin' to report here.
Inventory: Snug, fur-lined tank top and shorts of +2 warmth, 1 mangled bear steak, 8 plastic bags, 22 moonshines
Earned skills: +3 stealing, -1 resistance to Countess Maribel, +3 bat-wing flight

I need be a part of this. Because people who fly the Confederate flag in West Virginia don't realise it seceded from Virginia after Virginia seceded because it didn't want to secede. Rebellion is contagious I guess.

Name: Trip. Not Fall, Trip.
Age: Hell if I know; he's always been there.
Appearance:

(Image)

Bio: We did our best to translate what he said, and it reads something like this:
I was born first in a litter of thirteen, and superiority's been in me since the start. Me momma always told me that we're English springers, and that makes us better than all them half-breed mongrel bitches. I've always had a damn fine nose, and it gets me in the worst sort of shit. (Translator's note: this is meant both figuratively and literally.) But I always come through the other side, most times holdin' some kind of dead bird, or snake, or possum. Or squirrels; I like squirrels. I been huntin' these hills since I was suckin' on my momma's teats and you was suckin' on yours, so if you have some kinda problem with that, you can git. (He goes on, but from there it's mostly a list of his accomplishments mixed with unintelligible barks. We apologise for the brevity of the excerpt chosen and here displayed.)
Major Skill: 9+1. Your nose is the finest in the whole county, maybe even the state. +3 sniffing.
Minor Skill: 6-1. Like any proper dog you can run well. +1 speed.
Weapon: 10. Your fangs are nightmarishly sharp, and few things can stand up to them. +3 biting
Clothing: 1. Tragically, some hoodlums shaved your coat all off while you slept as a prank. -3 defence.
Inventory:
Earned skills:

[Nationstatelandsville]

No one said you could do this.

This is wrong.

[Constaniana]

What the fuck have you done?

Bloody hell you were quick.

No one said you could do this.

This is wrong.

It only felt right to have one last insane dice RP amongst us before EH actually theoretically ends.

[Nationstatelandsville]

What the fuck have you done?

Bloody hell you were quick.

No one said you could do this.

This is wrong.

It only felt right to have one last insane dice RP amongst us before EH actually theoretically ends.

We can smell your sin.

[Constaniana]

Bloody hell you were quick.

It only felt right to have one last insane dice RP amongst us before EH actually theoretically ends.

We can smell your sin.

Are you sure you're not just downwind of Khan's elephants?

[G-Tech Corporation]

This again?

[Constaniana]

This again?

What is inbred may never die.

[Rupudska]

I hate you more than rednecks hate Obamer.

Tagged.

This again?

What is inbred may never die.

This is an abomination.

[The Grey Wolf]

I'm just going to go get drunk at the local still and pretend I didn't read this.

[Olthar]

Have I wandered back in time? Great! Now I can stop the housing market collapse!

[Olthar]

Name: Billy-Bob Joseph Robert Sampson
Age: Mah mama taught me ta count with mah fingers, so I can't go pass nine ever since tha wood chipper accident.
Appearance: Mah mama says I look purtyier than a ham on Christmas.
Bio: I was born on a farm, an' that's where I've spent mah whole life. Mah mama taught me herself. She said school was full o' them evilutionists and athumtheists. I don't rightly know what they's is, but mah mama says they're ruinin' tha country.
Major Skill: Mah mama says I's a mighty good pig wrangler.
Minor Skill: I gots lots o' smarts, too. I got straight A's in home school, an' I always beat mah brothers an' sisters in tha spellin' bees. 'Course, I prob'ly got them grades 'cus I was sleepin' with tha teacher.
Weapon: I never leave home without mah trusty shotgun.
Clothing: I's gots mah overalls an' mah boots an' mah hat. Don't need nuthin' else.

[Kazakhium]

OH GOD I WANT TO JOIN THIS.

[Rupudska]

Name: Bonnie-Mae MacKinaw
Age: Don't ya know that askin' a lady her age is rude? 29
Appearance: link
Bio: Make me
Major Skill: Deus Vult - Works precisely like WH40K Orkish Waagh. Once per turn, she can make something so because she believes God wills it.
Minor Skill: She can shoot two guns at the same time.
Passive Skill: Being better than you in War Thunder
Weapon: No fewer than two pistols (or revolvers) are on her person at any given time outside of gun-free zones.
Clothing: If it would fit in on the set of a western, she'll wear it.

[The Grey Wolf]

Name: Millie Mae Cyrus
Age: 24
Appearance:

Bio: pls no.
Major Skill: Moonshine brewing. Can make the best damn moonshine you ever did saw.
Minor Skill: Axe murder. Our Millie was always messed up in the head. Then she done found out her boyfriend was seeing another girl. Ye can probably guess what happened next.
Weapon: Axe.
Clothing: flannel and shorts.

No one said you could do this.

This is wrong.

So was Deliverance, Nat. And we all know how that story ended.

[Olthar]

What's with the pictures of cute anime girls? That's, like, the exact opposite of redneck. :|

[The Grey Wolf]

What's with the pictures of cute anime girls? That's, like, the exact opposite of redneck. :|

Force of habit.

Hey, fuck you, I'm pretty.

[Olthar]

What's with the pictures of cute anime girls? That's, like, the exact opposite of redneck. :|

Force of habit.

Hey, fuck you, I'm pretty.

"Pretty" and "redneck" go together about as well as "peanut butter" and "asbestos."

[Constaniana]

What's with the pictures of cute anime girls? That's, like, the exact opposite of redneck. :|

On the one hand I can certainly see your point, but on the other hand animu Southern Belles is an idea I approve of.

Force of habit.

Hey, fuck you, I'm pretty.

"Pretty" and "redneck" go together about as well as "peanut butter" and "asbestos."

I thought Dukes of Hazzard had hotties in daisy dukes.

[Olthar]

What's with the pictures of cute anime girls? That's, like, the exact opposite of redneck. :|

On the one hand I can certainly see your point, but on the other hand animu Southern Belles is an idea I approve of.

"Pretty" and "redneck" go together about as well as "peanut butter" and "asbestos."

I thought Dukes of Hazzard had hotties in daisy dukes.

Southerners and rednecks are not the same thing. For instance, the Midwest and Appalachians have plenty of rednecks but no Southerners.

[Constaniana]

On the one hand I can certainly see your point, but on the other hand animu Southern Belles is an idea I approve of.

I thought Dukes of Hazzard had hotties in daisy dukes.

Southerners and rednecks are not the same thing. For instance, the Midwest and Appalachians have plenty of rednecks but no Southerners.

Well, the parts of the Appalachians that go into Georgia and such have Southerners, but I see what you're driving at.

Nonetheless, the fanservice must remain.

[Rupudska]

What's with the pictures of cute anime girls? That's, like, the exact opposite of redneck. :|

Force of habit.

Hey, fuck you, I'm pretty.

Lesser Wolf-chan is cute

[Mirakai]

I know I'm not invited, but...

[Constaniana]

I know I'm not invited, but...

(Image)

A serious work of existentialism and the relationship between man and racoon.