NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:42 am

Image Source: Me!

Greetings, **SPOILER ALERT**

This thread is to keep track of all issues in NationStates.

Feel free to contribute, yourself, if you find an issue! Just copy/paste all of the text, the title, the issue number, the author, and the editor.

This thread is not for general questions or for requests for changes to issues.

List Section Quickjump:
Section 1
Section 2
Section 3
Section 4
Section 5

The list is in the next post. This post is specifically for links and macros, industries, and names used in the issues.

Links and other resources:

You may find a list of several options that we still need here!
Also feel free to look here, run by Minoa, who works somewhat closely with this thread. Features lots of information, including several issues, options, and their effect lines.
Trotterdam's list with effect lines and stats. Policies linked at the bottom.
Easter Eggs Issue thread and guide. Updated version by Drasnia.
This thread is for issue reporting, but we do have an inquiry thread for unusual issue effects right here!
Want to write your own issue / see your name in here? Head on down to How-to Write an Issue!
An old issue a little wonky or not working as expected? Help us fix old issues!
Got Issues? Hall of Fame! Ran by SherpDaWerp.
Valentine's NS Stats Trends and Correlations. Infrequently ran! ^^
List of NPC nations and tribes. More about them, ran by Jutsa!
List of Religions and Cults. Ran by Jutsa!

MACROS:
@@A@@ or @@AN@@: Displays "a" or "an" depending on the word that follows (take: @@AN@@ @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ worker)
@@ANIMAL@@: National animal (from settings)
@@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@: Plural form of national animal
@@ANIMAL_INITIALS@@: Initials of @@ANIMAL@@
@@CAPITAL@@: Capital city (from settings)
@@CURRENCY@@: National currency (from settings)
@@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@: Plural form of national currency
@@CURRENCY_INITIALS@@: Initials of @@CURRENCY@@
@@DEMONYM_NOUN@@ or @@DEMONYM@@: Noun form of the national demonym (from settings)
@@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@: Adjective form of the national demonym (from settings)
@@DEMONYM_NOUN_PLURAL@@ or @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@: Plural form of the national demonym (from settings)
@@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE_INITIALS@@: Initials of @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@
@@RELIGION@@ or @@FAITH@@: National religion (from settings)
@@LEADER@@: National leader name (from settings)
@@LEADER_PLURAL@@: The plural version of your leader... yeah. Maybe in reference to statues or clones of you, or something.
@@NAME@@: Nation name (short, without pretitle)
@@NAME_INITIALS@@: Initials of @@NAME@@ (short, without pretitle)
@@POPULATION@@: Nation population, including "million" or "billion"
@@POPULATION_VALUE@@: Nation population in millions
@@REGION@@: Region name
@@SLOGAN@@: National motto (from settings)
@@TYPE@@: Nation pretitle (from settings) : The @@TYPE@@ of @@NAME@@

@@RANDOM_NAME@@: Combination random first and random last name. Last Names can also be words copied from the nation's own settings, including the nation name. Game-provided first and last names are:

Male names:

Code: Select all: Aang Aaron Abdullah Abraham Ace Achenar Adama Ahmad Airey Akira Al Alan Alaric Aldo Aldous Alejandro Alex Alexander Alexei Alfons Alfred Algernon Ali Allen Amadeus Amahl Amari Amir Ammon Amos Anakin Andreas Andrew Andy Angus Anselm Anthony Anupam Appa Apu Aragorn Archibald Arcturus Arist Aristotle Arlo Arnold Artemis Arthur Ash Ashitaka Ashurbanipal Ashwin Askia Asok Atlas Atrus Atticus Attila August Auguste Augustus Avinash Aziz Bahram Balthazar Barack Barry Bartholomeus Bartholomew Basil Bawu Bazza Beau Beavis Beckett Ben Bennett Bert Bharatendu Bhooshit Bill Billy Billy-Bob Björn Blanket Bob Bodhi Bolin Bongani Bonifacius Boris Boromir Boutros Boutros Boyson Brandon Brian Bruce Bruno Bryson Burl Byron Caesar Cain Caliban Calvin Cameron Caradoc Carter Cary Casimir Cassius Castiel Cato Charlemagne Charles Chepal Chijioke Chip Chiri Chongba Chris Christopher Chuck Chungba Cillian Cinna Claudius Clement Cleveland Clint Clovis Colin Colt Commodus Conan Cooper Coriolanus Cornelius Crispin Cristobel Cyrus Dafydd Dallin Damien Daniel Danu Darius Darren Dave Daveo David Dawa Dawang Dazza Declan Dendi Denethor Denim Dennis Desmond Dick Diego Dirk Divit Django Dmitri Doménikos Don Donatello Dorji Doug Douglas Draco Duncan Earl Earnest Ebenezer Ed Eddard Edgar Edmund Eduardo Edward Elijah Eliot Elmo Elrond Emenike Emil Emile Emmanuel Emory Engelbert Enrico Enrique Enzo Eobard Éomer Erasmus Erik Ernie Esher Evan Ezra Fahd Faramir Fats Federico Felix Ferdinand Fergus Ferris Filipe Finn Finnick Fitzy Florin Ford Francis Francisco François Frank Frasier Fred Freddy Frederic Fyodor Gabriel Gaius Ganondorf Gary Gawain Gehn Geli Gelu Gene Genghis George W. Gerald Giuseppe Gombu Gordon Graham Gregg Gregory Grogu Groot Gruffydd Gunner Gunther Gustavus Gwilym Gyaltsen Gyelbu Gyunmin Gyurme Haakon Hack Hadrian Hamlet Hammurabi Han Hannibal Hans Harald Harambe Harry Harsh Harun Hayao Haymitch Hector Henry Herb Hercules Hermes Herschel Heston Hiawatha Hiro Homer Horatio Hosea Howard Huckleberry Hugh Hugo Hyrum Iago Ian Ibrahim Ichabod Idris Ilya Inder Ingmar Ingram Inigo Iroh Isaac Ivan Jabulani Jack Jacob Jaden Jake Jamal James Jamie Jamil Jamling Jan Jared Jar-Jar Jason Jasper Jayamma Jean-Luc Jean-Paul Jeffrey Jemaine Jermajesty Jerry Jethras Jiang Jim Joe Johann John Johnno Jonas Jorji Joseph Josephus Josh Juan Judas Jude Julius Justice Justin Kai Kaji Kalden Kamehameha Kanye Kareem Karl Karma Karol Karsang Kasper Keenan Ken Kencha Kerath Kevin Khethelo Kim Kima Kirby Klaus Koa Konrad Konstantin Kristian Kurt Kusang Kvothe Kyidawa Lachlan Ladislav Ladomir Lamar Lance Lancelot Landon Larry Lars Leandro Lebron Lee Leif Lenny Leonardo Leroy Liam Llewellyn Llywelyn Loki Lorenzo Louis Lucas Luciano Lucius Ludwig Luigi Luis Luka Luke Luther Lysander Macca Magnus Mako Malcolm Malekith Manuel Marco Marcus Marek Mario Marius Mark Marlon Martin Matt Matteo Matthew Matthias Matty Maverick Max Maximilian Maximus McKay Mercutio Merrell Micah Michael Michelangelo Mike Miles Milhouse Milo Ming Moff Mohammed Mohandas Montezuma Montgomery Mordecai Morty Mowgli Murat Namgel Namkha Napoleon Nasir Nate Nawang Nebuchadnezzar Ned Neil Nelson Newt Nicholas Nick Nico Nigel Nikita Nikolai Niles Noah Noddy Norman Nuru Oberon Obinze Octavius Ola Oliver Omar Ongchu Orion Orson Orville Oscar Oswald Othello Ozai Ozy Pablo Pachacuti Panu Paolo Parighosh Pasang Patrick Paul Pax Pedro Per Percival Percy Pericles Pete Peter Philip Phineas Phinjo Piers Pietro Plato Plutarch Prathik Prospero Quasimodo Quentin Quincy Rajesh Rama Rand Randy Ranil Raoul Raphael Reginald Regulus Rembrandt Remus Rex Richard Rick Rinzi Roberto Robyn Rod Rodrigo Roger Roman Romulus Ronald Rory Rowan Rudy RuPaul Rupert Ryan Sage Salvatore Sam Samde Samuel Sancho Sange Sanjeev Sarkan Sayid Scotty Sean Sebastian Sejong Severian Severus Shaka Sheldon Sherlock Shigeru Shinzo Siddhartha Silas Silvio Simba Simon Sincere Sipho Sirrus Slartibartfast Smeagol Socrates Sokka Solomon Solya Somchai Somkenechukwu Sonam Stan Stanislav Steffan Stephen Sterling Steve Stevo Sufjan Suleiman Sven Sylvester Tadek Taika Tandi Tanner Tarquin Tayyip T'Challa Tendi Tenzin Thaddeus Themba Theo Théoden Theseus Thiago Thomas Thundu Thupten Tiberius Tim Titus Tobias Tom Tommo Trajan Tristan Tsewang Tsongba Tukti Tutankhamun Tybalt Tyler Tyrion Ula Uriah Urkyen Usman Uther Valour Vandal Victor Vincent Virgil Vladimir Vodalus Volodymyr Waldo Wally Walter Wangchu Wangdi Warwick Waylon Wei Wesley Westley Weston Wil Wilbur Wilkins William Willie Winchester Winston Wojciech Wolfgang Woody Wulfric Xanatos Xerxes Xu Yasuyuki Yokpu Yoshi Yulha Yuri Zachary Zack Zaheer Zain Zane Zangbu Zebediah Zeke Zephyr Zeus Zhiku Zuko

Female names:

Code: Select all: Ada Adele Agatha Agnes Agnieszka Aislinn Alani Alexandra Alice Alina Amanda Amber Amelia Ami Amina Angela Anna Anne-Marie Aphrodite Arabella Aria Ariel Ashley Ásmunda Athena Aurelia Avery Ayla Bajrakitiyabha Barbara Barbie Belinda Bella Beth Beverly Beyonce Bianca Birgitta Björk Blake Blodwyn Brenda Britney Brynlee Buffy Carmen Carrie Cassandra Cassidy Charlotte Chastity Chloe Cho Chun-Li Cindy Clara Colleen Coraline Cortana Cresta Cruella Daenerys Daisy Dana Danni Darya Debra Destry Dixie Doris Dorothy Efthamia Elaine Elena Elizabeth Ella Ellie Eloise Elsa Emily Emma Erica Esma Ethel Eve Everly Faith Falala Fanny Fatima Felicity Finlay Fleur Francine Freya Fumiko Georgina Gertie Gillian Ginny Grace Gretel Guinan Hana Harley Harriet Hayley Heather Heidi Hermione Hillary Holly Hope Imogen Indira Ingrid Iris Isabelle Ivanka Jadzia Jane Jaz Jazz Jenna Jennifer Jessica Jill Journee Judi Julia Juniper Jyn Kanya Kate Kathleen Kathryn Katniss Kayla Kelly Kellyanne Kendall Kendra Khalida Khethiwe Kim Kimberly Kitty Kristen Kristy Ksenya Lana Lara Lauren Layla Leela Leia Leilani Liara Lisa Lisbeth Lucina Lucy Luna Maeve Malon Mamiko Margaret Margot Maria Marin Marina Marisol Marjorie Marleen Mary Matilda Mavis May Megan Melania Melissa Mia Michelle Michonne Miley Minerva Miranda Moana Moiraine Molly Monica Moxie Naki Naomi Natalia Natalie Nefertiti Nelianneke Nomathemba Nomfundo Nosipho Nova Nyota Olive Olivia Oprah Otohime Palutena Paris Patty Peggy Penny Preeti Prudence Rebecca Reignbeau Renee Rey Robin Rochelle Rory Rosalia Rosalie Rosalina Rosita Roxanne Ruby Rylee Sabina Sabrina Samus Sandra Sarah Sasha Sashona Selma Shazza Shelia Shiloh Sierra Sigourney Siko Sloane Sofia Sonequa Sophie Stanislawa Stefanie Stella Stephanie Sue-Ann Sun Susie Sybil Sydney Tabitha Tamara Tanya Taylor Theresa Tina Tracy Vanna Veda Velma Venus Vera Victoria Violet Virginia Weena Wendy Whoopi Willow Yasmin Yoko Yolanda Yui Zainab Zelda Zola

Surnames:

Code: Select all: Abbott Adams al-Assad Allen Alvarez al-Zahawi Ambrose Amin Anderson Andersson Annan Aran Archer Armstrong Assange Atwood Bach Bacon Bagmanov Baker Bakker Baldwin Ballerini Banks Bannon Barber Barbossa Barker Barnes Barrow Barry Bautista Beachcroft Beaver Beckham Beethoven Belcher Bell Bender Bennett Benteen Berenstain Berenstein Bergman Berlusconi Biscuitbarrel Bishop Black Blair Blofeld Bonaparte Bonar Bond Bone Boothroyd Bottomley Bourdain Boutros-Ghali Bouvier Bowie Bowman Bradbury Breitbart Brewer Broadside Bronte Brooks Brown Bullock Bulsara Burke Burns Burton Bush Butler Butt Caesar Cage Calder Caldwell Campbell Capulet Carey Carpenter Carr Carter Cartman Case Castro Cesternino Chan Chandra Chapman Chatwin Chau Chavez Chekov Chen Cheswick Chew Cheyney Chicago Cho Christensen Christmas Clark Clarke Clason Claus Clean Clinton Cobbledick Cobblepot Cockburn Cohen Colbert Cole Coleman Collins Columbus Connery Contri Conway Cook Cooper Cosham Cotchin Coulson Cox Crapo Croft Cruise Cruz Cullen Cumberbatch Cummings Curtis Dahl Davenport Davis Dawson Dax Day de Vil deCastro deGroot deJong Delauter Deming deVries Dimitrov Disney Dixon Djarin Dlamini Dodinas Doe Doolittle Douglas Dovey Drake Dredd Drinkwater Dubois Dumas Dunn duPont Duras Duterte Dvořák Dylan Ebert Edwards Egan Einstein Eko Elgar Eliot English Ephron Erso Evans Fallon Falopian Farmer Farnsworth Fawlty Fellow Fernandez Fforde Fields Filoni Fils-Aimé Fitzgerald Flanders Ford Foster Fowler Fox Franco Franklin Fraser Frederickson Freeman Galavan Gammons Garak Garcia Garrison Garza Gates Gaudí Gennaro Gibson Gilbreth Gillard Gilligan Giono Glenn Glover Goatly Goethe Goff Goldsmith Golightly Gonzalez Goodwillie Gorbachev Grant Graves Gray Green Grieg Griffin Grimes Grossman Grossweiner Gruber Guilliman Gutenberg Guterres Gutierrez Gutnick Haaland Hackett Hadfield Haggard Hall Hamilton Hammarskjöld Han Hanover Hansen Harel Harishchandra Harkness Harman Harper Harris Harrison Hart Haskell Hawke Hawkins Hayes Haynes Head Henderson Hendrikson Hernandez Herrelko Hesse Hester Hicks Higginbotham Hill Ho Holst Holt Hopkins Horner Howard Howell Hudson Huffington Hugandkiss Hume Humperdink Hunt Hunter Huxley Hyde Iglesias Ives Jackman Jackson James Jamieson Jammeh Janeway Janssen Jefferson Jekyll Jele Jobrani Johannsen Johnson Jones Jordan Juran Kaine Kamen Kane Kapoor Kardashian Kasher Keating Kelly Kennedy Kennett Kenobi Kent Kettering Khachaturian Khan Kidman Kiefaber Kilkenny Kim Kimmel King Kirk Kokernot Kowalski Krauss Kringle Krugman Krustofsky Kumar Kwan Lacombe Laine Lane Lannister Larkin Larson Latham Lawson Lazenby Leach LeCarré LeChiffre Lecter Lee Lennon Levi Levy Lewis Li Licorish Lincoln Little Liu Lobachevsky Locke Long Longbottom Longfellow Longstaff Looney Lopez Love Lovegood Lowe MacDonald MacIntyre Magellan Maldonado Malik Mankiller Mann Mansbridge Márquez Marshall Martin Martinez Mason Matei Matsenjwa May McAlpin McBoatface McCarthy McCartney McClaine McCloud McDuck McFly McGhee McGuffin McKay McKinnon Mealor Medina Meier Mendeleev Mendez Merkel Meyer Miller Mistletoe Mitchell Mitty Modi Mombota Moneypenny Montgomery Moore Morgan Moriarty Morricone Morris Mozart Mulcair Mulder Mullins Mumford Murdoch Murphy Myers Nagasawa Nahasapeemapetilon Nakatomi Navarrete Navratilova Negan Nelson Neumann Nguyen Nimoy Nixon Normous Norris North Nxumalo Nygma O Obama O'Bannon O'Brien Octavian O'Hara O'Leary Oliver Onion Ono Orbison Organa Osborne Oz Palpatine Park Parkarvarkar Parke Parker Pasteur Patel Patton Pavlov Payne Pelosi Peña Pence Perez Perkins Perry Peters Phillips Picard Plantagenet Plath Poe Poindexter Pond Pong Ponta Popov Pound Powell Powers Prefect Preisner Price Pugwash Pushkin Putin Quagmire Quayle Quimby Quinn Rabin Räikkönen Ramirez Rasputin Ratican Reagan Redwood Reed Reid Reyes Rhee Rhodes Ricardo Rice Richards Richardson Rifkin Riker Rikkard Rios Ripley Rivera Roberts Robinson Rodriguez Rogers Rolfe Romero Roosevelt Rose Ross Rubin Rubio Rudd Ruddock Ruff Ruiz Ryan Sajak Sanchez Sanders Sandler Santiago Santos Sato Savage Scheer Schmidt Schmo Schultz Schwarzenegger Scott Scrooge Scully Serling Sestero Shaft Shakespeare Sharp Shatner Shaw Shewhart Shiomi Shongwe Shore Shufflebottom Silk Silva Simpson Sims Singh Siskel Sisko Skinner Skywalker Smetana Smiley Smit Smith Smithers Snape Snow Snyder Solo Song Sorin Sosa Sparkle Spirit Springsteen Stallone Stark Starkey Steele Stephenson Stevens Stewart Stoker Stoltenberg Stone Strange Stromburg Stuckmann Sullivan Sulu Summers Suparman Suzuki Svensson Swallows Swift Taffs Takei Tallchief Tan Tano Targaryen Tarkin Tate Tavener Taylor Tesla Thawne Thiesen Thomas Thompson Tin Tolkien Torres Trax Trevelyan Trudeau Trump Turnbull Turner Uhura Underwood Ungar Urquhart Usman Vader Vajiralongkorn vandeBerg vanDyke Vangelis vanGogh vanStraaten Vargas Vasquez Vega Venkman Vercingetorix vonBismarck Vonnegut Wade Wagner Waialiki Walker Wall Wang Ward Warner Washington Watson Watterson Watts Wayne Weasley Weatherhead Weaver Weber Webster Wells Wessex Whedon Wheeler Whitlam Wickremesinghe Wickwire Wiener Wiggum Wildish Williams Wilson Windass Winters Wiseau Wolfe Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff Wolowitz Wong Wonka Wood Woolf Wright Wu Wynne Xavier Xiaoping Yates Yeats Yeltsin Yew Yoo Yossef Young Zahm Zaius Zelensky Zhimo Zhu Zimmer Zoidberg Zukerburg

@@RANDOM_NAME_REVERSED@@: Like @@RANDOM_NAME@@, but with all letters in reverse order. Capitalization is changed to be on the left of each name.
@@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ and @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@: gender-specific randomized names.
@@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME@@: a randomized first name by itself.
@@RANDOM_LAST_NAME@@: a randomized last name by itself.
@@HE@@/@@HIS@@/@@HIM@@/@@MAN@@: Displays "he", "his", "him", or "man" if the name it targets is male, and "she", "her", "hers"*, or "woman" if female.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You may now use @@HE/HIS/HIM@@ for any person, as well as called a person's randomname again. There is no standard set of macro for this, as of yet, so an example would be as follows:

Option 1: Before @@HE_1@@ spoke, @@RANDOM_NAME_1@@ took a pen from your secretary, @@RANDOM_NAME_2@@. [...]

Option 2: @@RANDOM_NAME_2@@, who caught @@RANDOM_NAME_1@@ stealing @@HIS_2@@ pen off from @@HIS_2@@ desk and placing it into @@HIS_1@@ pantaloons, [...]

Note: Don't go too crazy. You don't want to get too ambiguous - though, from what I hear, editors love ambiguity more than most people.

@@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@: Your nation's biggest industry. Possibilities are:

Industries: Arms Manufacturing, Automobile Manufacturing, Basket Weaving, Beef-Based Agriculture, Book Publishing, Cheese Exports, Door-to-door Insurance Sales, Furniture Restoration, Gambling, Information Technology, Pizza Delivery, Retail, Soda Sales, Tourism, Trout Farming, Uranium Mining, Woodchip Exports.

Also, some options have varients or are not available to certain nations. Here's a quick legend to help you out:

[TEXT] appears at the end of some options, and states the validity:
- [Red text] means something is banned, mandatory, or more authoritarian.
- [Blue text] indicates something is legal and/or freer.
- [Purple text] is for relatively neutral standpoints, like whether you have a military, a capital, a faith, or are a matriarchy/patriarchy.

* before a number indicates two or more options are variants. Multiple *s indicate different sets (i.e. * does not go with **)
[Number] indicates that the option has no variant, but still is not available for all nations who get the issue.

Valentine's Changelog 000 - Template

Witty remark here.

- Changelog goes here.

[url =Github link here, must be split view.]Changes made to the threads can be seen here.[/url]

Code: Select all: [size=200][color=#3DC0FF][b][i]Valentine's Changelog 000 - Template[/i][/b][/color][/size] [hr][/hr][size=133][color=#3366FF][b][i]Witty remark here.[/i][/b][/color][/size] - Changelog goes here. [url =Github link here, must be split view.]Changes made to the threads can be seen here.[/url]

Quote mark reference.

Some reference to replace smart to dumb quotes.
‘ - opening single quote - alt 0145
’ - closing single quote - alt 0146
“ - opening double quote - alt 0147
” - closing double quote - alt 0148

Hotlinks for Post-Editing (for OP Use)

This is for when I am doing a large-scale post editing.

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:43 am

Current number of issues: 1,624 (don't forget #0!)

Section 1

#0: Should Democracy Be Compulsory?
#1: Where's The Love Gone?
#2: Reclaim The Streets!
#3: Harry Potter Censorship Row
#4: Economic Collapse Looms!
#5: Child Casino Shock
#6: Appointment Of Spiritual Advisor
#7: Animal Liberation Front Strikes Again
#8: Nudists Demand Time In Sun
#9: @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ On The Dinner Table?
#10: Social Inequality Reaching Embarrassing Levels
#11: People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, If That's All Right
#12: Death Penalty On Agenda
#13: Too Much Yakking, Already, Say Delegation
#14: Military Demands Increased Spending
#15: More Police Needed
#16: @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ Workers Strike!
#17: Corporations Demand Political Say
#18: Citizens Struggle Under "Unfair" Tax Burden
#19: @@NAME@@ Awash With Red-Rimmed Eyes
#20: Gunman Kills Three [Maxtopia; ed: Luna Amore]
#21: Police Consider "Big Brother" Anti-Crime System
#22: Nazi Sympathizers Plan Rally
#23: Uranium Deposit Promises To Enrich @@NAME@@
#24: Budget Time: Accountants Excited
#25: Cloning Research Promises New Breakthrough
#26: Compulsory Organ Harvesting Proposed
#27: Cash for Colons?
#28: Cancer Sufferer Demands Euthanasia Bill
#29: Minorities Demand Representation In TV Soaps
#30: Auto Industry Struggles Against Foreign Imports
#31: Get Efficient, Private Sector Tells Nature [MantiCorp GroundForces]
#32: One Wife Is Never Enough, Say Polygamists [Fantasan]
#33: Genetics Brings New Life to Extinct Species [Badger Lozzate]
#34: Don't Puff On Me, Say Non-Smokers [Sirocco]
#35: Refugees Want To Call @@NAME@@ Home [The True Scroat]
#36: International Community Comes Doorknocking [Guadalcanal]
#37: Traffic Cops Needed on Information Superhighway? [Snowcat]
#38: @@NAME@@ Looks to the Stars [Sentient Peoples]
#39: Scandal Rocks @@NAME@@'s Government! [The SLAGLands; ed: The SLAGLands]
#40: Hukd on Fonix Workd 4 Me! [Bostion; ed: Reploid Productions]
#41: Software Giant Stomps on Competition [1 Infinite Loop; ed: The SLAGLands]
#42: Turn Down That Racket, Say Morality Police [The Prelapsarian State; ed: The SLAGLands]
#43: Prisoners Demand Elbow Room [Lucazmodei; ed: The SLAGLands]
#44: No Pain, No Gain! [Independent Planets; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#45: Baseball League Steps Up To The Plate [Pilot; ed: The SLAGLands]
#46: Jennifer Government Censorship Row [Sirocco; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#47: The Great Wall of @@NAME@@? [1 Infinite Loop; ed: Reploid Productions]
#48: Give Us Healthcare Or Give Us Death! [Dictator Amanda; ed: Reploid Productions]
#49: Diving For @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ [Nogero; ed: Reploid Productions]
#50: Whips, Chains, And Leather, Oh My! [Yacatizma; ed: Reploid Productions]
#51: Streaker in Snooker Game Fiasco [Sirocco; ed: Reploid Productions]
#52: Is It Art Or Is It Porn? [Imnsvale; ed: Reploid Productions]
#53: Orbital Armageddon? [The US Marine Corps; ed: Reploid Productions]
#54: Time To Put The Older Senators Out To Pasture? [Pangaa; ed: Reploid Productions]
#55: Bigtopian Protesters Cry For Full Integration [Grantwold; ed: The SLAGLands]
#56: "Give Us Money!" Quoth the Poet [Ursoria; ed: Reploid Productions]
#57: Electronic Plague in @@NAME@@! [Sentient Peoples; ed: Reploid Productions]
#58: Violent Violetists Demand Blood! [Total n Utter Insanity; ed: Reploid Productions]
#59: Drunk Driving On The Rise [Cspalla; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#60: Supreme Court Nomination [Nuttylnd; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#61: Should The Government Grant Estates And Titles Of Nobility? [Leptonia; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#62: Oh, The Angst! [Uni Students; ed: Reploid Productions]
#63: Tykes With Tools? [New Parakeet; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#64: Put The "Board" Back In Board Of Education [Curia; ed: Reploid Productions]
#65: Should Martial Law be declared? [American Militarists; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#66: Transgender Recognition Demanded [Melmond; ed: Enodia & Candlewhisper Archive]
#67: Most Likely To Secede [Leptonia; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#68: Ornery Overcrowding Problem [Frigben; ed: Reploid Productions]
#69: Power Problems Need Bright Solution [Plumbumia; ed: Reploid Productions]
#70: Purge The Infidels! [SalusaSecondus; ed: Reploid Productions]
#71: Minority Group Demands Language Recognition [Pragmas; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#72: Widening Buttocks Cause Movie Theater Havoc [The Velvet Cockatiel; ed: The SLAGLands]
#73: @@NAME@@ - Without Cars, Going Nowhere Fast [Reploid Productions; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#74: @@NAME@@'s Racers Growing Fast And Furious [Nascar Thunder; ed: Reploid Productions]
#75: Cutting Off Sex Offenders? [Istar; ed: Reploid Productions]
#76: Suits in Protest [Xibonia; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#77: World To End, Or Possibly Just Mark Anniversary {One Year Anniversary issue, now an Easter Egg bonus}
#78: Easter Egg: Should We Pull The Lever? [Meddlers; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#79: @@NAME@@'s @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@: Going The Way Of The Dodo? [Naelosia; ed: Reploid Productions]
#80: Easter Egg: Aliens Wish Peace/Trade Agreement [Exiled; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#81: Close Encounters Of The Sci-fi Kind? [Spyr; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#82: AI Researchers Rally For Android Rights [Eniqcir; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#83: High-Speed Monorail Service Promises Connections [Baudrillard; ed: Reploid Productions]
#84: Compulsory Gun Ownership? [Tristram; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#85: Illegal File-Sharing Flares [Frigben; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#86: Save The @@ANIMAL@@ [Oddballfullness; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#87: Burn! Burn Everything! [PRC China; ed: Reploid Productions]
#88: Cannibals Demand To Taste What @@NAME@@ Has To Offer [Sovereign Discord; ed: Reploid Productions]
#89: "Don't Dam Our Rivers, Damnit!" Say Protesters [Frigben; ed: Reploid Productions]
#90: Organic Outburst [Dark_Zephyr; ed: Reploid Productions]
#91: Sacramental Tax Time? [Rational Self Interest; ed: Reploid Productions]
#92: @@NAME@@ Officials Needled About Mandatory Vaccinations [GDrabble; ed: Reploid Productions]
#93: Affirmative Action in @@NAME@@? [The Orange Freestate; ed: Reploid Productions]
#94: Computer Users Fed Up With Heaps of Spam! [Bored Yawning; ed: Reploid Productions]
#95: Painful Prices Paid At The Pump [Aljerfribish; ed: Reploid Productions]
#96: Water Supply Problems Becoming A Major Drain [Calvin n Hobbes; ed: Reploid Productions]
#97: Landfills Filling Up [Edolia; ed: Sirocco]
#98: Police Want More Than Shiny Badge [Hata-alla; ed: Sirocco]
#99: We Need Cash, Sharpish, Say Librarians [Os Cosia; ed: Sirocco]
#100: Road Rage Rampage [SatanSpermSpawn; ed: Reploid Productions]
#101: Tiara Sign Of Oppression, Declare Feminists [The Prelapsarian State; ed: Sirocco]
#102: For Whom The Road Tolls [Ta Kala; ed: Sirocco]
#103: Plague Of The Hybrids! [Serenthis; ed: Sirocco]
#104: Public Loudspeakers Shrill With Controversy [Alpha Centauri; ed: Sirocco]
#105: Compensation Culture Must End, Say Corporations [Zhudor; ed: Sirocco]
#106: Give The Red Light District The Green Light? [Lmaortfmolia; ed: Sirocco]
#107: Private Lab Holds @@NAME@@'s Sick To Ransom [Silverbrook; ed: Sirocco]
#108: Gambling Interests Offer High Stakes [New Sweden X; ed: Reploid Productions]
#109: Karate Kids Cause Controversy [Yarrum; ed: Sirocco]
#110: Too Low On Laws, Say Citizens [Kandarin; ed: Sirocco]
#111: Southern @@NAME@@ Demands Semi-Autonomy [Ceroo; ed: Sirocco]
#112: Put The Phone Down On Cold Calling? [Frigben; ed: Sirocco]
#113: Test Results Deemed 'Ungood' After Global Survey [Der Angst; ed: Sirocco]
#114: Wipe Out Graffiti? [Gelvanie; ed: Sirocco]
#115: @@NAME@@'s Schoolchildren Not Learning The Lingua Franca [Travis Dominicus; ed: Sirocco]
#116: Soda Sales Hits New 'High' [Foe Hammer; ed: Sirocco]
#117: Stop The Suits, Say Surgeons [Ravenspire; ed: Sirocco]
#118: Need For Speed? [Atlantic Rim; ed: Sirocco]
#119: Watershed Down? [New Cyprus; ed: Sirocco]
#120: Two Parties For Too Long? [Ren Yi; ed: Sirocco]
#121: A Uniform Plan For @@NAME@@'s Students? [Scheelia; ed: Sirocco]
#122: Pensioners In Protest [Emperor Matthuis; ed: Sirocco]
#123: Now, Vat's Food For Thought [Tahar Joblis; ed: Sirocco]
#124: To Paint Or Not To Paint? [Aoifambia; ed: Sirocco]
#125: Bring Back The Ballot? [Centralis; ed: Sirocco]
#126: Outsourcing An Outrage, Say Demonstrators [Enerica; ed: Sirocco]
#127: Aging Concerns In @@NAME@@ [Sirocco; ed: Reploid Productions]
#128: Ban The Burka? [Much Benham; ed: Sirocco]
#129: Tribal Troubles [Olasonph; ed: Sirocco]
#130: Filibuster Bust-Up [The Kennedy Family; ed: Sirocco]
#131: Raise Duel Standards, Say Fencers [The Gaelic Freedmen; ed: Sirocco]
#132: World Assembly Woes [Sanctaria; ed: Frisbeeteria]
#133: When @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ Attack! [The Class A Cows; ed: Sirocco]
#134: The Truth Is Out There? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#135: A Taxing Dilemma [Claraxia; ed: Sirocco]
#136: Much Ado About Abortion [Aquilla; ed: Sirocco]
#137: Arms Industry Demands Respect [Koternacht; ed: Sirocco & Tactical Grace]
#138: Keep The Greenbelt Green, Say Protesters [Big-Yellow-Taxi; ed: Sirocco]
#139: Drug Debate Hits The Streets [Docere; ed: Sirocco & Tactical Grace]
#140: A Grave Problem [Eta Carinae; ed: Sirocco]
#141: Police Too Pushy? [Myrth; ed: Sirocco & Tactical Grace]
#142: Roads Like Roller Coasters, Complain Motorists [Mirkai; ed: Sirocco]
#143: An Archaeological Altercation [Fiscali; ed: Sirocco & Tactical Grace]
#144: Democracy Going To The Dogs? [Libertarian Haven; ed: Sirocco]
#145: Hackles Raised Over Fur Clothes Debate [Naturhio; ed: Sirocco]
#146: Evolution: Truth Or Witchcraft? [Holbrookia; ed: Sirocco]
#147: Military Budgets Up For Approval [Greater Philadelphia; ed: Sirocco]
#148: Spare The Rod, Demand Welfare Activists [Eastern Newfoundland; ed: Sirocco]
#149: With Liberty, Freedom, And Guns For All? [Frigben; ed: Sirocco]
#150: Bug 'em All, Say Police [Niziania; ed: Sirocco]
#151: Build Bigger Bombs, Advise Scientists [Benevolent Nations; ed: Sirocco]
#152: A Capital Idea [Hestrael; ed: Sirocco]
#153: Protesters Have Gone Too Far, Claim Police [Utopian Gandhism; ed: Sirocco]
#154: Ban The 'Boards, Say Pedestrians [HappyFluffyBunnies; ed: Sirocco]
#155: Curfew Meets Minor Opposition [Daedor; ed: Melkor Unchained]
#156: Waste Going To Waste, Says Industry Lobby [DeFranzania; ed: Reploid Productions]
#157: Sergeants Are Too Nasty, Say New Recruits [Mirkai; ed: Sirocco]
#158: Regarding Robbers' Rights [Robmuirpoems; ed: Sirocco]
#159: Think Tank Proposes Privatised Prisons [Yejuda and Shomron; ed: Sirocco & Myrth]
#160: Truancy On The Rise [Nouvelle Quebecshiree; ed: Sirocco]
#161: Where There's A Will There's A Tax [Rehochipe; ed: Sirocco]
#162: Animal Experimentation Laws Under Scrutiny [Voroziniya; ed: Sirocco]
#163: Referenda: Are they Right For @@NAME@@? [Ideal State; ed: Melkor Unchained]
#164: Licence To Breed? [Kazcaper; ed: Sirocco]
#165: Wedlock Worries [Ice Hockey Players; ed: Sirocco]
#166: Vote For 'None of the Above'? [Kamikachidonia; ed: Reploid Productions]
#167: Fluoride Controversy A Toothy Problem [Enlightened Harmony; ed: Sirocco]
#168: @@NAME@@ Plagued By STD Epidemic! [Eta Carinae; ed: Reploid Productions]
#169: @@ANIMAL@@ Hunting Laws Under Dispute [Vigorithia; ed: Sirocco]
#170: Deserts Devouring @@NAME@@'s Countryside [Goobergunchia; ed: Sirocco]
#171: Kids And Criminality: Whose Responsibility? [East Stalinia; ed: Sirocco]
#172: Church Attendances Reaching New Low, Warn Priests [Realm of Idiots; ed: Sirocco]
#173: Women Demand Equal Opportunities [HammerCrusher; ed: Sirocco]
#174: Maternity Leave A Must, Say Mothers [Vashaan; ed: Sirocco]
#175: Is @@NAME@@ Too Promiscuous? [Masalium; ed: Sirocco]
#176: History A Mystery To Most Of @@NAME@@ [Diet Mug Root Beer; ed: Sirocco]
#177: Power To The People? [Whatia; ed: Sirocco]
#178: Free Press Too Free? [Ice Hockey Players; ed: Sirocco]
#179: Mad @@ANIMAL@@ Disease Outbreak! [The Stevillian Empire; ed: Sirocco]
#180: Mobile Maladies [Grindleria; ed: Sirocco & Candlewhisper Archive]
#181: Radio Rebels Ruffle Government [Dupeksland; ed: Myrth]
#182: Younger Voters a Cure for Apathy? [South Westerburg; ed: Myrth]
#183: Buy A Better Baby? [Sci; ed: Myrth]
#184: Compulsory Military Service Under Attack [Randino; ed: Myrth]
#185: "Bring Back Our Booze!" Cry Revellers [Eta Carinae; ed: Myrth]
#186: Carjacking Concerns [Vortengard; ed: Myrth]
#187: @@NAME@@'s Underclass Drowning In Debt [Crazahkistan; ed: Myrth]
#188: Video Games Too Violent, Say Parents [The Stakanian Isles; ed: Sirocco]
#189: Dangerously Cheesy [Disposablepuppetland; ed: Reploid Productions]
#190: Immigrants Import Homeland Rivalries [Rowaria; ed: Reploid Productions]
#191: Blood Banks Running Dry [Karmanyaka; ed: Sirocco, Euroslavia]
#192: Coup d'Etat In @@NAME@@! [Miravesel; ed: Sirocco]
#193: Robots Leaving Workers Jobless [The Ethics Union; ed: Sirocco]
#194: A Request For Military Aid [The Rogue Soldiers; ed: Sirocco]
#195: Right Of Way Or Wrong Of Way? [Teaberry; ed: Sirocco]
#196: Violent Violetists Protest Artists [SalusaSecondus; ed: SalusaSecondus]
#197: Breastfeeding In Public: Innocent Or Indecent? [Bronteland; ed: Sirocco]
#198: Not All Those Who Wander Are Paying [CR Oscilloscopes; ed: Sirocco & Candlewhisper Archive]
#199: More Jails Needed [Deleuze; ed: Sirocco]
#200: Birds, Bees, And Breeding Teens [Eta Carinae; ed: Sirocco]
#201: Jolly Roger Sighted Off The Port Bow! [I V Stalin; ed: Sirocco, Scolopendra, & GMC Military Arms]
#202: Guns Or Butter? [Roman Republics; ed: Sirocco]
#203: Suffer The Starving Children? [Eta Carinae; ed: Sirocco]
#204: Lack Of Doctors Needs Cure [Emperor Matthuis; ed: Sirocco]
#205: No More Broccoli, Beg Meat-Eaters [Eta Carinae; ed: Sirocco]
#206: @@NAME@@ Narrowly Misses Nuclear Accident [Takuma; ed: Sirocco]
#207: Secret Police In @@NAME@@? [GX-Land; ed: Sirocco]
#208: Mine Collapse Rocks @@NAME@@ [Emperor Matthuis; ed: Sirocco]
#209: Students Demand Financial Aid [Rajlworld; ed: Sirocco]
#210: Going Postal [Emperor Matthuis; ed: Sirocco]
#211: Unconventional Weapons Under Fire [Hellenic Glory; ed: Sirocco]
#212: Police Wanting Help With Their Inquiries [Prasland; ed: Sirocco]
#213: Bus Drivers Say No To Double-Decked Deathtraps [Angels World; ed: Sirocco]
#214: Voting For More Money [Not Quite Dead Peoples; ed: Sirocco]
#215: Easter Egg: What's Your Favourite Colour? [Antioch and the East; ed: Sirocco]
#216: Eminent Domain: Inherent Right Or Daylight Robbery? [British Londinium; ed: Sirocco]
#217: Healthcare Services Underfunded, Claim Patients [Lunar Village; ed: Sirocco]
#218: Two Mommies One Too Many? [Duffla; ed: Sirocco]
#219: Nobody Expects The @@NAME@@ Inquisition! [Habardia; ed: The Most Glorious Hack]
#220: Voter Apathy Rising But No One Cares [Clorse Ivy; ed: Sirocco]
#221: Outdated Tax Code Crushing @@NAME@@? [Padosistan; ed: Reploid Productions]
#222: Terrorists Strike City Centre [Silicar; ed: Sirocco]
#223: Easter Egg: Zombie Attack! [Naliitr; ed: Sirocco]
#224: Minimum Wage War [Vincon; ed: Sirocco]
#225: Prayer In Public Schools? [Vincon; ed: Sirocco]
#226: Expats Plea For Help In War-Torn Country [The Mones Islands; ed: Sirocco]
#227: Underage Drinkers: Social Menace Or Misunderstood? [Amisdar; ed: Sirocco]
#228: Mice In The Walls [Esarchia Marksista; ed: Sirocco]
#229: Government Saturated In Corruption [Kordothistan; ed: Sirocco]
#230: Extremists On The Ballot Sheet [Omigodtheykilledkenny; ed: Sirocco]
#231: Jungle Fever [Luxtizeria; ed: Sirocco]
#232: Suffragette City [Night Island; ed: Sirocco]
#233: I Spy A Diplomatic Crisis [Good old Communism; ed: Sirocco]
#234: Corruption In The Lobby [The Seniors of Zion; ed: Sirocco]
#235: From Green Pastures To Grey Wastelands [Airstrip thirteen; ed: Sirocco]
#236: Quickie Marriages Under Scrutiny [Plutocycloptika; ed: Sirocco]
#237: Tourists On Death Row [The New Inquisitors; ed: Sirocco]
#238: We Need A Few Good Men Who Like Men? [Scolopendra; ed: Sirocco]
#239: We Who Are About To Die Would Rather Go Home [The Lost Romans; ed: Sirocco]
#240: Plea Bargains: Tipping The Scales Of Justice? [Jacobaea; ed: Sirocco]
#241: A Capital City For @@NAME@@? [Sirocco]
#242: Follow The Leader [Sirocco]
#243: A Question Of Faith [Sirocco]
#244: Foreign Invasion Force Takes On Small Farming Community [Altlands; ed: Sirocco]
#245: Clash Of Cultures [Drunk Cowboy Junkies; ed: Sirocco]
#246: @@NAME@@ To Hold The Olympic Torch? [Yenen; ed: Sirocco]
#247: Where There's Smoke [Avartinate; ed: Sirocco]
#248: The Sky Is Falling [Freedomstaki; ed: Sirocco]
#249: Particle Accelerator Sparks High Energy Debate [Milostein; ed: Sirocco]
#250: Recession, Depression, And Deficit [The Realist Polities; ed: Sirocco]
#251: The Trouble With Hobos [Responsible; ed: Sirocco]
#252: Great Balls Of Fire! [Unibot; ed: Responsible]
#253: How Much Democracy Is Too Much? [Kandarin; ed: Kandarin]
#254: Freedom Comes At A Price [Responsible; ed: Responsible]
#255: Welfare Programs Not Faring Well [Glen-Rhodes; ed: Glen-Rhodes]
#256: Easter Egg: Suburbs Are Out Of This World [Scolopendra; ed: Sirocco]
#257: @@LEADER@@ Assassinated... Almost [Hessinator; ed: Responsible]
#258: What's In A Name? [Zombitosis; ed: Sirocco]
#259: A Taste Of Revenge [South Von; ed: Kandarin]
#260: Taxpayers On Strike! [Makinsanity; ed: Kandarin]
#261: Plastic, Plastic Everywhere [Nation of Quebec; ed: Kandarin]
#262: Sticks And Stones [Zwangzug; ed: Sirocco]
#263: Wind Farms Blowing Up A Storm [Alathaea; ed: Sirocco]
#264: Not A Drop To Drink [Vincon; ed: Kandarin]
#265: To Bail or Not to Bail? [Niryuugoku; ed: Glen-Rhodes]
#266: Easter Egg: Breaching the Great Fourth Wall of @@NAME@@ [Reploid Productions; ed: Reploid Productions] {Easter Egg}
#267: Controversial Coup Causes Commotion [Sedgistan; ed: Sedgistan]
#268: Don't Want Your Kid Anymore? Good News! [Aligeretha; ed: Glen-Rhodes]
#269: Stop The Presses! [Lenyo; ed: Sanctaria]
#270: Space Spectacular Sours Small Stargazers [Luna Amore; ed: Frisbeeteria]
#271: Vigilantes: Heroes Or Hoodlums? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#272: Slow Down, You're Going Too Fast [Frisbeeteria; ed: Frisbeeteria]
#273: Is Our Children Learning? [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]
#274: Brotherly Love - A Bit Too Close to Home? [Afforess; ed: Sanctaria]
#275: Wiki Worries [Maurepas; ed: Lenyo]
#276: Circus Clowns Cause Chaos! [Sanctaria; ed: Maurepas]
#277: Say Cheese! [Crazy girl; ed: Sedgistan]
#278: Relief is Coming... in Four to Six Weeks [Luna Amore; ed: Sanctaria]
#279: A Vat Lot Of Trouble [Luna Amore; ed: Sanctaria]
#280: Oh the Humanity! [Prevania; ed: Reploid Productions]
#281: Free Internet For @@NAME@@? [Solisbury; ed: Sirocco, Sedgistan & Luna Amore]
#282: Slum Village Extraordinaire [Foxopolis; ed: Dustistan]
#283: Wealthy Flee to Tax-free Havens [Gior Altheriod; ed: Lenyo]
#284: Drug Legality Run Amok [Kahleb Il Vilan; ed: Lenyo]
#285: A Right Not to Work? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#286: A Whale of a Problem [Doom and so on; ed: Luna Amore, Glen-Rhodes]
#287: Maxtopians Demand Return of the King [Gior Altheriod; ed: Luna Amore]
#288: Super-Sized Pizzas Recipe For Disaster? [New Ziedrich; ed: Luna Amore]
#289: Blizzards Serve Calls Cold, Says Mayor [Unibot II; ed: Sanctaria]
#290: Wheels of Misfortune [New Ziedrich; ed: Lenyo]
#291: A Question Of Sport [Dustistan; ed: Sanctaria]
#292: Tourists Wearing Out Their Welcome? [Virtualila; ed: Luna Amore]
#293: Maestro, Please [Castle in the Sky; ed: Luna Amore]
#294: Ghost Riders on the Sly [Fmyeram; ed: Luna Amore]
#295: Give Us Pockets or Give Us Something Else [Ferringinar; ed: Maurepas]
#296: Come On Baby, Fight My Fire [Kukes; ed: Luna Amore]
#297: Intersex Athletes Demand Level Playing Field [Gior Altheriod; ed: Sanctaria]
#298: Cults: Harmless or Heretics? [Tybusenia; ed: Frisbeeteria]
#299: Some Like it Hot; Others Don't [Kotlas; ed: Lenyo]
#300: Trafficked Tots Trouble [Crazy girl; ed: Sedgistan]
#301: Are 'Friends' Electric? [I V Stalin; ed: Lenyo]
#302: Delivering Mayhem In Thirty Minutes Or Less! [New Ziedrich; ed: Lenyo]
#303: Digital Revolution Requires Re-evaluation [Coddiac; ed: Frisbeeteria]
#304: Time for Paternity Leave, say Dads [Gior Altheriod; ed: Lenyo]
#305: Who's Occupying What? [Nexexen; ed: Lenyo]
#306: A Matter of Trust [Nation of Quebec; ed: Sanctaria]
#307: Derailing the Gravy Train [Burtina; ed: Luna Amore]
#308: Over, Under or Through? [Platform VII; ed: Luna Amore]
#309: Guerrilla Grandparents [Luna Amore; ed: Lenyo]
#310: Too Little Talk? [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]
#311: Victims Demand Their Pound of Flesh [Frisbeeteria; ed: Luna Amore]
#312: The Empire Strikes First? [Maleperduys; ed: Sedgistan]
#313: Conscientious Objectors Want You... To Let Them Abstain [Great Nepal; ed: Luna Amore]
#314: An Affair to Remember? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#315: Creative Flowers Withering Under Legislation [Panageadom; ed: Luna Amore]
#316: Fortified Against Crime [Praedico; ed: Lenyo]
#317: Big Brother Is Watching You Surf [Vintaland; ed: The Most Glorious Hack]
#318: Death Penalty on Death Row? [Andacantra; ed: Sanctaria]
#319: Sizing Up The Competition [Cosumar; ed: Luna Amore]
#320: Criminals to Vote? [Iglesian Archipelago; ed: Sanctaria]
#321: Cowboys and... Aliens? [Carlosianor; ed: Luna Amore]
#322: Empathy a Rare Commodity? [The Cookish States; ed: Luna Amore]
#323: Get Teens out of MyFace? [Malsitar; ed: Lenyo]
#324: "Tourism Tanking!" Trumpet Tabloids [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]
#325: Blazing Through the Paper Trail [Euphilium; ed: Luna Amore]
#326: Knitters In A Knot Over Police Stitch Up [Tsaraine; ed: Sanctaria]
#327: No Rest For The Weary @@ANIMAL@@ [Black and Brindle; ed: Sedgistan]
#328: Bugged by Lack of Intelligence [Mediterreania; ed: Sanctaria]
#329: Military Uniforms Under Scrutiny [Crimsonrayne; ed: Sedgistan]
#330: Supermarkets Gobbling Up All The Customers? [Fayd; ed: Luna Amore]
#331: Swept Away [Mostly armless; ed: Dustistan]
#332: Summit Security Spending Stirs Strife [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#333: No Sacrifice, No Sacrifice At All [Emunia; ed: Sanctaria]
#334: Blot Out Bauhaus [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]
#335: Log us Back On [Turtleshroom; ed: Luna Amore]
#336: Polygamy Causes Division [Lordieth; ed: Lenyo]
#337: Doctors Crossing Borders? [Whiskey hill; ed: Sanctaria]
#338: The Silence and the Fury [The golden koko; ed: Luna Amore]
#339: The Bear Necessities [Sovietiya; ed: Lenyo]
#340: Defending Patent Pending [Panageadom; ed: Luna Amore]
#341: Where in the Woods is Cindy SanFrancisco? [Ignorent Peeple; ed: Luna Amore]
#342: This Land Was Made For You And Me [Luna Amore; ed: Kryozerkia]
#343: Brother, Can You Spare A Dime? [New Andram; ed: Lenyo]
#344: Trash Talk [Luna Amore; ed: Lenyo]
#345: Mayors Behaving Badly [Nation of Quebec; ed: Sanctaria]
#346: Oils Well That Ends Well [Jarethania; ed: Luna Amore]
#347: Crime Problems Ganging up on @@NAME@@ [The murtunian tribes; ed: Lenyo]
#348: I Want A Lawyer [Marxist socialismchillville; ed: Sanctaria]
#349: Bigtopian Bigwigs Beset Border [Koomu; ed: Sedgistan]
#350: Queasy Cuisine [Avlain; ed: Sedgistan]
#351: The Cost of Freedom [Waideland; ed: Lenyo]
#352: Going Off The Rails [Milograd; ed: Sanctaria]
#353: Broadband Going To The Birds? [Astracarn; ed: Luna Amore]
#354: Subversive Shortwaves [The Grand Dilligaf; ed: Lenyo]
#355: Alien Invaders [Ignorent peeple; ed: Lenyo]
#356: @@NAME@@ In The Time Of Cholera [Wonnie; ed: Lenyo]
#357: Vamos, Mi @@ANIMAL@@! [Octuagesimo Octavo; ed: Sedgistan]
#358: Not Another Teen Pregnancy [Valrifell; ed: Sanctaria]
#359: Got Democracy [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#360: Electile Dysfunction [Christian Democrats; ed: Lenyo]
#361: @@CAPITAL@@, We Have A Problem [Luna Amore; ed: Sanctaria]
#362: After The Fall [Luna Amore; ed: Sanctaria]
#363: The Apotheosis of @@LEADER@@? [The tovian way; ed: Sedgistan]
#364: It's UterUs, not UterYou! [Ranbo; ed: Luna Amore]
#365: A Busload of Worry [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]
#366: Prosecute Stolen Valour, Says Military [The sky city of columbia; ed: Sanctaria]
#367: What's Their Beef? [Nouvel Ecosse; ed: Sedgistan]
#368: Female Workers Feeling The Pinch [Relana; ed: Sedgistan]
#369: No Vocation Without Remuneration [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#370: The Unbearable Lightness of Government [Primordial sardaukus; ed: Sedgistan]
#371: Lotto Fever [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#372: The Coming of the Commissars [Baiynistan; ed: Lenyo]
#373: Devil and the Deep Blue Funding Gap [New Vegas; ed: Lenyo]
#374: Lion Dad Sparks Child-Rearing Sentiment [Samuelica; ed: Sedgistan]
#375: Easter Egg: Keep Your Hands Off Those Lucky Charms! [Vile Island; ed: Sanctaria]
#376: Death by Bungee [Cankcaland; ed: Lenyo]
#377: It's A Bird! It's A Plane! No, It's... Oh, It Was A Plane [SalusaSecondus; ed: Lenyo]
#378: The War To End All Wars [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo]
#379: Stakes On A Plane [Juernsey; ed: Sedgistan]
#380: Farmers Seeding Discontent [Bulgar Rouge; ed: Lenyo]
#381: Mamma @@NAME@@, Let Me Go [Raurosia; ed: Sanctaria]
#382: The Appropriate Amount of Appropriation [Rapturia Ziwa; ed: Sedgistan]
#383: Born To Be Just A Bit Too Wild? [Aardenland; ed: Sedgistan]
#384: Out of The Royal Frying Pan [The Kingdom of the Imperial Commonwealth; ed: Lenyo]
#385: Who Stands For @@NAME@@? [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]
#386: Droning on and on [Czechostan; ed: Lenyo]
#387: An International Incident: Diamonds Are An Expat's Best Friend! [Reploid Productions; ed: Sanctaria]
#388: An International Incident: Napalm in the Morning [Reploid Productions; ed: Sanctaria]
#389: An International Incident: Sanctions, Sanctions Everywhere! [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#390: An International Incident: An Unstable Situation [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#391: An International Incident: The Third Horseman of Brasilistan [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#392: An International Incident: A Pirate Problem [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#393: An International Incident: A Naval Conundrum [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#394: Ten Days In A Mad House [Golgothastan; ed: Luna Amore]
#395: An International Incident: Growing Pains [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#396: An International Incident: Is It Brie You're Looking For? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#397: An International Incident: Select Your Target! [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#398: An International Incident: Why Did You Do That? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#399: An International Incident: Invasion Plan [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#400: An International Incident: Insurgents Resurgence [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#401: An International Incident: What's The WA Gonna Do, Anyway? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#402: An International Incident: They Surrendered... Now What? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#403: An International Incident: We Done Killing Yet? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#404: 404 Issue Not Found [Sedgistan; ed: Sedgistan]
#405: An International Incident: Time For A Colonyoscopy! [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]
#406: An International Incident: It's The Final Countdown [Sanctaria; ed: Maxtopia]
#407: An International Incident: Brasilistan Go Boom [Maxtopia; ed: Sanctaria]
#408: Easter Egg: Pony Peril [Sedgelight Sparkle; ed: Sedgistan] {formerly inactive}
#409: Water Palaver [Eremora; ed: Lenyo]
#410: 12 Angry, Tired, and Increasingly Confused Men [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo and Candlewhisper Archive]
#411: Outed Teacher Ousted [Roulantina; ed: Lenyo]
#412: The Magic (Of Advertising!) School Bus [Teh Fluffles; ed: Lenyo]
#413: A Shot in the Arm [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#414: Subpar Suburbs [Luna Amore; ed: Luna Amore]
#415: Brain Pain On The Sports Plain [Have fun with it; ed: Lenyo]
#416: Prophet Margins [Luna Amore; ed: Lenyo]
#417: Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte [Junkula; ed: Lenyo & Ransium]
#418: That Sinking Feeling [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]
#419: RED Rover, RED Rover, Send Your Money Right Over! [The United Federations of Planets; ed: Lenyo]
#420: Caught Green Handed [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#421: No Child Left Behind Enemy Lines [Al-aqar; ed: Lenyo]
#422: Wounded Veterans Demand A Helping Hand [Exemplaire; ed: Golgothastan]
#423: Returning Holy Warriors Cause Trouble [Interzone Inc; ed: Golgothastan]
#424: You Just Sank My Battleship! [DWAsnia; ed: Lenyo]
#425: Teach Your Farmers Well [Ouiatenon; ed: Raurosia]
#426: Women In Uniform Under Fire [Vihenia; ed: Kandarin & Lenyo]
#427: They Took Our Gubment! [Trippoli; ed: Sedgistan]

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:43 am

Section 2

#428: Crop Circles Clutter @@CAPITAL@@ [Human Olympus; ed: Lenyo]
#429: No Representation Without Taxation? [Bears Armed; ed: Golgothastan]
#430: Easter Egg: Please, Sir, We Want Some More Issues [Eta Carinae; ed: Luna Amore]
#431: Gone A Stray [Junessa; ed: Luna Amore]
#432: Children In The Lead? [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]
#433: The Worst Storm To Hit @@NAME@@ Since...Yesterday? [Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf; ed: Golgothastan]
#434: Fraternity Furor [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#435: A Working Class Hero Is Something To Be [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo]
#436: Voters, Place Your Bets! [Sierra Lyricalia; ed: Golgothastan]
#437: Blue Screen Of Economic Death [Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf; ed: Lenyo]
#438: Judicial Review On Trial [Auralia; ed: Golgothastan]
#439: The Law Of Exodus [Nation of Quebec; ed: Golgothastan]
#440: Jumping The Sharknado [Sedgistan; ed: Sedgistan]
#441: You've Got A Friend In Bee [Outer Sparta; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#442: You Can't Always Get What You Squat [Czechostan; ed: Golgothastan]
#443: Five Year Plans And New Deals [Bureaucratic Paralysis; ed: Lenyo]
#444: Virtually Assured Destruction [Austral Coast; ed: Lenyo]
#445: Evasive Maneuvers [Panageadom; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#446: In The Land Of Milk And Money? [Kaztropol; ed: Gnejs]
#447: Honey, We Hung The Parliament [Gnejs; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#448: It Takes A Village [Flanderosa; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#449: A Big Fracking Problem [Czechostan; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#450: Colonial Testimonial [Sussetonia; ed: Gnejs]
#451: A Prosthelytizer To Burn [Sierra Lyricalia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#452: Foetal Furore [Christian Democrats; ed: Sanctaria]
#453: Parliamentary Playground [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#454: Don't Stead On Me! [Scow Creek; ed: Gnejs]
#455: Police On Overkill Mode? [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]
#456: Heads Will Roll [Sleep; ed: Gnejs]
#457: Colossus With Feet Of Clay [Halothorne; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#458: Bigtopian Lives Matter [Valyrian Freeholds; ed: Lenyo]
#459: Murder, He Shouted! [Human Olympus; ed: Gnejs]
#460: Salt Of The Earth [Gnejs; ed: Lenyo]
#461: If At First You Don't Succeed... [Psychoneurotica; ed: Sedgistan]
#462: Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me [Neowefandland; ed: Sedgistan]
#463: Smart Cars Driving Regulators Up The Wall
#464: The @@ANIMAL@@ Republic Shall Rise Again? [Omigodtheykilledkenny; ed: Gnejs]
#465: Lottocracy Causing Lots Of Trouble [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]
#466: @@NAME@@ Is Never Ever Getting Back Together... Like Ever [Wallenburg; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#467: Saving Your Own Foreskin [Americanada; ed: Sanctaria]
#468: Selling @@NAME@@ Down The River? [Caracasus; ed: Lenyo]
#469: Shoot To Earn [Gnejs; ed: Lenyo]
#470: Tide Stops For No Man [Sedgistan; ed: Sedgistan]
#471: Easter Egg: Red Sleigh Down [Nation of Quebec; ed: Sanctaria]
#472: Rise Of The Machines [The Arlight Republic; ed: Lenyo]
#473: A-B-C, Easy As Don't Use Me [Lenyo; ed: Lenyo]
#474: Mesozoic Park [Asterdan; ed: Sedgistan]
#475: Where Have All The Flowers Gone? [Palaiologos II; ed: Lenyo]
#476: A Farewell To Raised Arms? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Gnejs]
#477: Feeding Frenzy [Sleep; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#478: The Show Must Go On [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Lenyo]
#479: @@LEADER@@, Put On The Yellow Light [Australian Republic; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#480: One Nation's Trash Is Another Nation's Trash [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]
#481: Social Equality Reaching Embarrassing Levels [Czechostan; ed: Gnejs]
#482: Whose Fault Is It Anyways? [Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf; ed: Lenyo]
#483: Do You Want Fries With That? [The rejected realms issue committee; ed: Sanctaria]
#484: Patriot Or Patri-not? [Cefalonia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#485: Really Real eSports Tournament [Mexicaliforia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#486: An Impressing Dilemma [Araluen and Eyreland; ed: Lenyo]
#487: Masks Of Shame [Ayzifa; ed: Gnejs]
#488: Bright Orange Is The New Black [Orvius; ed: Sleep]
#489: Standing At Attention [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Lenyo]
#490: The Long And Winding Halls Of @@CAPITAL@@ [Luna Amore; ed: Luna Amore]
#491: Friends, @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Ears [Eysyssla; ed: Lenyo]
#492: The Artwork In The Attic [Lavendertopia; ed: Sleep]
#493: Suspicious Superhuman Athletes? [Outer Sparta; ed: Sleep]
#494: Whipping Up A Controversy [Nuremgard; ed: Lenyo]
#495: Beloved "Planet" Has Gone To The Dogs [Omigodtheykilledkenny; ed: Sleep]
#496: Rock 'N' Roll Suicide [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#497: The Widening Gyre [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Gnejs]
#498: Computer Says No [Sedgistan; ed: Sedgistan]
#499: The Genetics Of Aesthetics [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Lenyo]
#500: Please Don't Feed The (Copyright) Trolls [The-CID; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#501: Munchkins In Makeup [Leninkrav; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#502: Scientists Declare That @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ Are Persons [Ras Sambekki; ed: Gnejs]
#503: @@LEADER@@, Tear Down This Door! [The Aran Empire; ed: Lenyo]
#504: Short Shorts Too Short? [Luger; ed: Sleep]
#505: Florists Blooming Mad [Drasnia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#506: It's Official: "I Do" Does Do It [Cazalius Lodra; ed: Lenyo]
#507: Would A Rochebaron By Any Other Name Smell Just As Sweet? [The Prosperous Peoples; ed: Lenyo]
#508: Ex-Cons Robbed Of Future [Leninkrav; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#509: It Was Asbestos Times, It Was The Worst Of Times [Scythan; ed: Sedgistan]
#510: Possession, Protection Or Poppycock? [Fatumnia; ed: Gnejs]
#511: Dogman Deconstructed [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#512: Furnished For Failure [Valrifell; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#513: Something Wickered This Way Comes [Whacoposgowro; ed: Golgothastan]
#514: Contract Killer [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#515: Little Green Men [Wagner the Great; ed: Lenyo]
#516: Sex Education Too Sexy, Say Parents [Gnejs; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#517: Gallery In Need Of A Renaissance [Cachepanora; ed: Sedgistan]
#518: Face Lift [Zongzi; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#519: School's Out (Of Control) [Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#520: Preach With Me If You Want To Live [Raionitu; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#521: The Wreck Of The Edward Fitzpatrick [Drawkland; ed: Logophilia Lyricalia]
#522: Time To Get Serious [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#523: A Family Affair [Gnejs; ed: Lenyo]
#524: Something Is Rotten In The State Of @@NAME@@ [Kainesia; ed: Gnejs]
#525: Nowhere To Go! [Nova Sodor; ed: Sedgistan]
#526: Any Idea Where The Law Is, Bessie? [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#527: The Body Politic [Free Equatorial Nations; ed: Lenyo and Ransium]
#528: Privacy Concerns Reaching New Heights [The Midwestern Atlantic Colonies; ed: Luna Amore]
#529: Attack Of The Attack Ads [Czechostan; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#530: Regenerative Permaculture Emergence [Esternarx; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#531: Lèse Majesté Maladies [Nuremgard; ed: Lenyo]
#532: Desert Island Risks [Hell Bovines; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#533: Hearsay Heresy [Losthaven; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#534: Too Few Cooks In The Kitchen [Drasnia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#535: NationStates Destroys @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Economy [Ballotonia; ed: Gnejs]
#536: Every Witch Way Spells Disaster [The Newly Reformed Keldacia; ed: Luna Amore]
#537: Summary Injustice [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Lenyo]
#538: @@LEADER@@, Let Your People Go! [The Rejected Realms Issue Committee; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#539: All My Bits Are Belong To You [Hell Bovines; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#540: Shh! Spoilers! [Katalaysia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#541: Spare The Whip, Spoil The Law [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Logophilia Lyricalia]
#542: What A Waste [Atomic Utopia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#543: Flash, Aaaaaargh! [The Called; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#544: Object-Oriented Programming [Lubrumia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#545: Expats On The Electoral Roll? [Nuremgard; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#546: Dumpster Divers Dividing Denizens [A Humanist Science; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#547: Fantastic Beasts And How @@NAME@@ Harmed Them [Outer Sparta; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#548: Appointment Of A Science Advisor [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo]
#549: Feasting Or Fasting? [The Free Joy State; ed: Lenyo]
#550: 10 Awful Crimes You Just Won't Believe! [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#551: The Big Fat @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Wedding [Cazalius Lodra; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#552: Must Be A Full Moon [Australian Republic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#553: Cede Our Seeds? [A Humanist Science; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#554: Welcome To --CENSORED-- [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#555: It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated! [Omigodtheykilledkenny; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#556: Here Be Dragons? [Golgothastan; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#557: Take A Hike! [A Humanist Science; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#558: Turning A Blind Eye? [The Aurora Archipelago; ed: Gnejs]
#559: The Low Aspiration Nation [The New Bluestocking Homeland; ed: Lenyo]
#560: Bicameral Backlash [Christian Democrats; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#561: Plug In and Play [Katalaysia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#562: Return to Sender [Lenyo; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#563: Resistance Is Fertile [Fotila; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#564: Do Good Intentions Make Good Samaritans? [Saint Emygdius; ed: Gnejs]
#565: 'A' Is For Academic Doping [Golgothastan; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#566: Drive My Car [Louisadam; ed: Lenyo]
#567: Syntax Destruction [Drasnia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#568: Dismissal Denied! [Human Olympus; ed: Sedgistan]
#569: Grand Prix De @@NAME@@? [Montagna; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#570: Clerical Errors [Christian Democrats; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#571: Family Feud [Appalatchia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#572: Reading, Your Rights [Gelimor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#573: The Road To Blackacre Ends Here? [Zwangzug; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#574: One Small Step For Private Enterprise? [New Birgland; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#575: Sick Days For Sick Waves [Australian Republic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#576: Light At The End Of The Tunnel [Kievan Rusk; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#577: Second World Problems [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Lenyo]
#578: Support Your Local Arms Manufacturer [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo]
#579: Real Handwriting Has Curves [The Rejected Realms Issue Committee; ed: Luna Amore]
#580: @@NAME@@ Taking Leave Of Its Census? [Zwangzug; ed: Gnejs]
#581: Fair To Say...? [Unibot III; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#582: Augmented Reality Check [Enthusiasm; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#583: Don't Be A Busk-Kill [Oisinistan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#584: The Cake Is A Lie [Felucian Planetary republic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#585: Are You Not Entertained? [Socialist Nordia; ed: Lenyo]
#586: School's In For Summer? [Aipotu Ruo; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#587: I, Robot, Do Solemnly Swear [Luna Amore; ed: Luna Amore]
#588: Last Call For Alcohol? [The Dalatian Republic; ed: Lenyo]
#589: To Boldly Go? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#590: When Trees Hug Back [Czechostan; ed: Gnejs]
#591: Bait And Switch [Lenyo; ed: Gnejs]
#592: Infamy! Infamy! They've All Got It In For Me! [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#593: A Right to Bare Arms? [Escalan Corps-Star Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#594: Tie Fighters [Drasnia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#595: Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? [Saint Emygdius; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#596: Primogeniture Problems [Nuremgard; ed: Lenyo]
#597: You Can't Handle The Tooth [A Humanist Science; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#598: A Violet Trojan Horse [Crazy Girl; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#599: Dead In The Water [Aculea; ed: Lenyo]
#600: Making A House A Home [The Grim Reaper; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#601: Lawyers On Trial [Tzarsgrad; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#602: Hobby Lobby [Drasnia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#603: Not My Idea [Faehig; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#604: Food Behind Bars [Barunia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#605: The Noblest Of Intentions [The Grim Reaper; ed: Gnejs]
#606: In The Black [Gharoukannia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#607: If Your Election Lasts Longer Than Four Weeks... [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
#608: Thrown Into Sharp Relief [Dman4835; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#609: @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@, Drugs, And Rock'n'Roll [Minglewood; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#610: Only @@LEADER@@ Could Go To Dàguó [Drasnia; ed: Lenyo]
#611: Blundering Battle Bureaucrats [Free Syllvin; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#612: A Petty Issue [Sammuramat; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#613: A Nude Day, A Nude Awakening... [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#614: How Much Is That Vote In The Window? [Burned Lands; ed: Nation of Quebec & Logophilia Lyricalia]
#615: Tempted By The Fruit Of Another [A Humanist Science; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#616: You Are Feeling Very Very Sleepy And Not At All Gay [Golgothastan; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#617: Who's This Little Rascal? [The Aran Empire; ed: Sedgistan]
#618: The Jaws Of A Dilemma [Team Rhysha; ed: Sedgistan]
#619: X Marks The Cult? [Tykadoro; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#620: No Such Thing As A Free Lunch [Chuporosa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#621: Blue Collar Blues [TeamNARWiC; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#622: Easter Egg: A Holiday Masquerade [The Grim Reaper; ed: Lenyo]
#623: Maison D'Être? [Adregon; ed: Gnejs]
#624: A Role To Play [Panthera Corpus Renatus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#625: Delivering The Goods [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#626: Carbon Copied [Plutoniacht; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#627: The Bee-Ginning Of A Catastrophe? [Outer Sparta; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#628: Only @@LEADER@@ Can Prevent Forest Fires [Ransium & Tishanda; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#629: Boom Or Bust? [The Rejected Realms Issue Committee; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#630: This Green And Pleasant Land [Nova Bulgarija; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#631: The Violet Mile [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#632: Dying For A Kiss [Palaiologos II; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#633: Sound Judgement [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#634: Bullet Time [Rubyna; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#635: Hey Kid, Have A Cigar [Kungyo; ed: Sleep and Candlewhisper Archive]
#636: Going On The Cyber Offensive [Noahs Second Country; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#637: Little Pizza History [Oppressia FTDOF; ed: Lenyo]
#638: Won't Somebody Think Of The Children? [Niklaustan; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#639: No Country For Old Men [Troperia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#640: A Clear-Cut Conundrum [Mount Seymour; ed: Gnejs]
#641: Dirty Little Minds [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Lenyo]
#642: This Way's Kinder [Uberreichland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#643: No Small Wonder [Henuld; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#644: The Old Grey Matter [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#645: An Unwarrented Intrusion [North China and New Asia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#646: Lesson Learnt [Kynotsu; ed: Sleep, Candlewhisper Archive]
#647: Songbirds' Decline Ruffle Feathers [Ransium; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#648: Confessions Of A Dirty Mind [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#649: Made In Maxtopia [Siarki; ed: Lenyo]
#650: Political Hacks [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#651: Black Days For @@NAME@@ [The United Providences of Perland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#652: Mayday! Mayday! [Outer Sparta; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#653: A Cloak And Syringe Operation [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#654: Not So Cool Aid? [Gnejs; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#655: No Bones About It [ProPublica; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#656: Ransoms Noted [The United States Of Merca; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#657: Put A Fence Around The Commons Floor? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#658: A Sickening Dilemma [Ransium; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#659: Ramping Up The Difficulty [Singapore no2; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#660: Are We Being Served? [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#661: Scouting For Boys, Girls... Anyone? [Golgothastan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#662: Playful Petitions Pester Politicians [Helaw; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#663: A "Friend" In Need [Empire of Cats; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#664: Your Land Or Mine [Australian Republic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#665: In Nomine Ecclesia [Holy Oranz; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#666: A Microchip On Your Shoulder [Minoa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#667: One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Recyclable [Socialist Nordia; ed: Lenyo]
#668: How To Examine Your Testees [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#669: Watts Up With Rooftop Solar [Ransium; ed: Ransium]
#670: A Wolf In Refugees' Clothing [Tretrid; ed: Ransium]
#671: Adenine, Thymine, Copyright, And Guanine [Helaw; ed: Helaw]
#672: All Shook Up [Parat; ed: Drasnia & Candlewhisper Archive]
#673: The Deportation Of Mr. B. Leeper [Sleep; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#674: Let Them Eat Rainbow Cake! [Galway-Dublin; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#675: Trick Or Treaty [Ransium; ed: Gnejs]
#676: Down The Rabbit Hole [Wyethalania; ed: Wyethalania]
#677: Dial L For Loan [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Ransium]
#678: A Motion For Seconds [Zwangzug; ed: Zwangzug]
#679: Space Is Big Enough For The Both Of Us [Drayxaso; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#680: The Fault Is In Our Stars [Drasnia; ed: Helaw]
#681: @@NAME@@'s New Year's Resolution: Lose Fewer Limbs [Milostein; ed: Ransium]
#682: Exhaust Every Option [Solborg; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#683: Different Keystrokes For Different Folks [Intrapolia; ed: Ransium]
#684: Murder Most Deniable? [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]
#685: Externalities Palmed Off [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#686: Freemium Isn't Free [Azura Manga; ed: Zwangzug]
#687: Marriage By Proxy Server [The 19th Century; ed: Wyethalania]
#688: You Don't Have To Be Mad To Kill People... But It Helps [Liberamare; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#689: A Sticky Situation [Dytarma; ed: Helaw]
#690: Hey! @@LEADER@@! Leave Them Kids Alone! [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#691: The Prodigal States [Caracasus; ed: Gnejs]
#692: Game Of Drones [Nation of Quebec; ed: Ransium]
#693: Bottled Up Problems [Noahs Second Country; ed: Ransium]
#694: Concussive Percussion [Drasnia; ed: Helaw]
#695: How To Succeed In Business Without Really Paying Taxes [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#696: No, Minister [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Helaw]
#697: Conventional Wisdom [Libertypendence Park; ed: Ransium]
#698: I Shot The Sheriff [Rohendia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#699: Pipe Down, Already! [British Wassoulea; ed: The Free Joy State]
#700: The Widow Raven [Ransium & Zwangzug; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#701: Monumental Melodrama [New Socialist South Africa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#702: Has Your Room Been Booked? [Ntoain; ed: The Free Joy State]
#703: Divine Decoration [Merconitonitopia; ed: Drasnia & Gnejs]
#704: It's Not Lying, It's Post-Truth [Gnejs; ed: Gnejs]
#705: The Germ Of An Idea [Orgrua; ed: The Free Joy State]
#706: A Walk In The Park [United States of the Universe; ed: Wyethalania]
#707: The Eye Of The Tiger [Sleep; ed: The Free Joy State]
#708: How @@LEADER@@ Learned To Start Worrying And Fear Bio-Weapons [Birginia; ed: Ransium]
#709: Armed And Legging It [Helaw; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#710: Feudal Feuds [Nuremgard; ed: Wyethalania]
#711: Patently Obvious [Lilindir; ed: Zwangzug]
#712: Flight of the Rich And Famous [Bears Armed; ed: Helaw]
#713: Life In The Bike Lane [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#714: Milky Ways [Tzarsgard; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#715: Copy Rights [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#716: Cheek To Cheek [Australian Republic; ed: Ransium]
#717: Cheques And Balances [Golgothastan; Gnejs]
#718: Roses Are Due If Violet's For You [Drasnia; ed: The Free Joy State]
#719: Buried Bones Unearth Debate [The Ketchwan Republic; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#720: Cui Bono? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Ranisum]
#721: A Lack Of Comma Sense [A Humanist Science; ed: Luna Amore]
#722: Thora And Eloise [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#723: To Know Sacrifice [Rubyna; ed: Helaw]
#724: Your Stuff Is Forfeit [Sierra Lyricalia; ed: Ransium]
#725: Sky's The Limit? [Le Libertia; ed: Wyethalania]
#726: Jobless Fair [Rezler; ed: Ransium]
#727: Market Crash [North Isseggggnignigsegigisegggg Islands; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#728: A Bone To Pick [Sunset Sea Islands; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#729: Teenage Kicks [Abhichandra; ed: The Free Joy State]
#730: It's Legal Now! [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#731: Is There An Election In Marche Noire Or Are You Just Happy To See Us? [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Wyethalania]
#732: A Peeping Problem [Drasnia; ed: Ransium]
#733: The Path Less Traveled [Australian Republic; ed: Wyethalania]
#734: A Word From Our Sponsors [New Dukaine; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#735: Rap Sheet [Wallacelavia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#736: A Badly Named Issue [Annihlators of Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#737: Bird-Brained Diplomacy [Ransium; ed: Ransium]
#738: Cruel Or Unusual? [Leumas Rex; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#739: In Loco Parentis [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#740: The Enemy Within: A Day In The Life [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive & Ransium]
#741: The Enemy Within: We Can Work It Out [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive & Ransium]
#742: The Enemy Within: And Your Bird Can Sing [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive & Ransium]
#743: The Enemy Within: Here, There And Everywhere [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive & Ransium]
#744: The Enemy Within: I Want To Hold Your Hand [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive & Ransium]
#745: The Enemy Within: This Bird Has Flown [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive & Ransium]
#746: The Enemy Within: There's A Place [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive & Ransium]
#747: The Plane Truth [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#748: The Enemy Within: In Spite Of All The Danger [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive & Ransium]
#749: Not Mushroom For Error [Bears Armed; ed: Ransium]
#750: Cheerleading Community Does The Splits [Sanhon; ed: The Free Joy State]
#751: @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ Breed Contempt [Luna Amore; ed: Ransium]
#752: The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick [The Atlae Isles; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#753: I've Got My Ion You [Jovian Socialist Republic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#754: The Hit Parade [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#755: Candid Camera [Noahs Second Country; ed: Helaw]
#756: The Issue With Issues [Maori Moon; ed: Ransium]
#757: Extra Credit? [Kingdom of Jacobia; ed: Zwangzug]
#758: Bye Bye to the Birdies? [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Ransium]
#759: Marry, Marry, Quite Contrarily [Neocaledonia; ed: Ransium]
#760: A Debatable Question [Maxemia; ed: Gnejs]
#761: As Seen On TV [Cazalius lodra; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#762: Double Down On Double Time? [Australian Republic; ed: Caracasus]
#763: Any Body For Science? [The 19th Century; ed: Helaw]
#764: Dude, Where's My Elected Representative? [Nation Of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#765: Don't Judge Me [Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf; ed: Zwangzug]
#766: Carbon Emissions Are Why We Can't Have Nice Things [Continental Commonwealths; ed: Gnejs]
#767: Xe Said, Zhe Said [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Ransium]
#768: Trouble Brewing [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Ransium]
#769: How To Print Money? [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#770: Vaping Up A Storm [Kortza; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#771: Drug Up The Prices [Outer Sparta; ed: Helaw]
#772: Do You Have Artistic License? [Goolsbee; ed: Caracasus]
#773: Know Thy Selfie [The Grim Reaper; ed: The Grim Reaper]
#774: Clean Switch [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Gnejs]
#775: Affirmative Election? [Singapore no2; ed: Pogaria]
#776: Fake News, Everyone! [Nation of Quebec; ed: Helaw]
#777: Betting On The Future [Drasnia; ed: Ransium]
#778: Mal Appetit! [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]
#779: We're Dying For Your Business [Pigeontree; ed: Ransium, Lenyo]
#780: Vexing VAT [Nuremgard; ed: Helaw]
#781: The White Man's Burden [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#782: Sit-Down Money [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#783: Sergeant McCool Reporting For Duty [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: The Free Joy State]
#784: The Driving Force [Petreniax; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#785: Born To Be My Baby [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#786: Tainted Tattoos [Nuremgard; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#787: Come Fly With Me? [Thyerata; ed: Pogaria]
#788: Duel Purposes [Singapore no2; ed: Ransium]
#789: @@CAPITAL@@gate: @@CAPITAL@@gate [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#790: @@CAPITAL@@gate: The Art Of The Distraction [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#791: @@CAPITAL@@gate: The Smoking Gun? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#792: @@CAPITAL@@gate: Why Can't We Be Friends? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#793: @@CAPITAL@@gate: Knock Knock. Who's There? Not You Anymore! [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#794: @@CAPITAL@@gate: Fear And Loathing In @@CAPITAL@@ [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#795: @@CAPITAL@@gate: Lock Him Up! [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#796: @@CAPITAL@@gate: It's Dangerous To Go Alone! [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#797: @@CAPITAL@@gate: Yesterday's News [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#798: A Periodic Issue of Elementary Nature [Island of Stability; ed: Ransium]
#799: A Political Cock-Up [Iraines; ed Caracasus]
#800: Please Call 1-800-NTA-VRUS, Your Government May Be Compromised [Luna Amore; ed: Caracasus]
#801: Animation Provocation [Montagna; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#802: No Lock, No Gun Stock, And No Smoking Barrels [Jutsa; ed: Ransium]
#803: Park That Thought [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#804: Motivational Posters [Omakhandia; ed: Gnejs]
#805: Solving A Dissolving Dilemma [TBA; ed: Pogaria]
#806: Unlicensed To Kill [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#807: Have War Crimes, Will Travel [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Caracasus]
#808: Big Trouble In Little Dàguó [Laeral; ed: Pogaria]
#809: So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish [Szczuropolis; ed: Ransium]
#810: Armed and Unready [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#811: Get Baked [White Girls Metropolis; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#812: The Old Boys' Club [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]
#813: A Little Birdie Told Me [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#814: A Topic Of Ethical Import [Ransium; ed: Ransium]
#815: Embargoed In [Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:43 am

Section 3

#816: A Hot Topic [The Atlae Isles; ed: Ransium]
#817: Back-Alley Blues [The Free Joy State; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#818: We Are Not Amused [Orisoun; ed: Pogaria]
#819: Damned Cold [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#820: These Heels Weren't Made For Working [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#821: A Switch In Time Kills Nine [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#822: Never Work With Children [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]
#823: Where The Sun Don't Shine [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#824: Period Drama [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#825: Bugging Out On Beef [Arcunem; ed: Caracasus]
#826: Licencing Driving @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ Crazy [Omakhandia; ed: Ransium]
#827: Making Money Hand Over Fist [Kaschovia; ed: Ransium]
#828: Your Execution In 30 Years Or Less Or You're Free [Saithal; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#829: Winning At Battleship [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Sedgistan and Candlewhisper Archive]
#830: Unreasonable Adjustments? [Dragude Sultanate; ed: Caracasus]
#831: Give Us A Break, @@LEADER@@ [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#832: Moderating Your Opinion [Carrasastova; ed: Ransium]
#833: Twitching Up A Storm [Nation of Quebec; ed: Ransium]
#834: Government And CO [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#835: The End Is In Sight? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#836: Don't Drink The Grape Punch [Galway-Dublin; ed: The Free Joy State]
#837: Wag The Dog [Separatist Peoples; ed: Gnejs]
#838: The Bark Knight Rises [Caracasus; ed: Helaw]
#839: “Partisanship Too Far?” Wrongly Asks Opposition [Ransium; ed: Caracasus]
#840: Abstinence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]
#841: Burn Noticed [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#842: @@LEADER@@ And The Chocolate Factory [Marilyn Manson Freaks; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#843: Quacking Up [The Free Joy State; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#844: Essentially On Strike [Socialist Nordia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#845: A Comedy Of Errors [Kaschovia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#846: Use Your Words [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#847: All The Lonely People [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#848: It's A Girl Thing [Braskia; ed: The Free Joy State]
#849: Sky High [Kaschovia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#850: The Prints And The Slaughter [Singapore no2; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#851: Commercial Tidings Well In Advance [Solvada; ed: Pogaria]
#852: Brown Breeches Thanks To Speeches [Helaw; ed: Helaw]
#853: Silence Is Golden [Siarki; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#854: An Armoury of Antiques [Vlanlados; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#855: Thin Evidence [USS Monitor; ed:The Free Joy State]
#856: You Got Stones [Abhichandra; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#857: Are You There God Particle? It's Me, @@LEADER@@ [Sedgistan; ed: Luna Amore]
#858: Reporting For (Jury) Duty [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#859: A Cola by Any Other Name [Jutsa; ed: Caracasus]
#860: A Blast From the Past [Singapore no2; ed: Helaw]
#861: Out With the Old [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#862: Friends Close, Enemies Closer [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#863: Oiling the Wheels of Diplomacy [Argentinstan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#864: The Missionary Position [Caracasus; ed: The Free Joy State]
#865: A Funeral for a Fiend? [Nation of Quebec: ed; Nation of Quebec]
#866: O Medication, Where Art Thou? [Palos Heights; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#867: Museums: Things of the Past? [Het Dietsche Rijk; ed: Pogaria]
#868: All In The Family [Drasnia; ed: Nation of Quebec & Wyethalania]
#869: I'll Be in My Bunker [Ilyichicov; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#870: @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ Literally Exploding With Excitement [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#871: It's Not Easy Being Red [The Grene Knyght; ed: Pogaria]
#872: Party On, @@LEADER@@! [Fauxia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#873: Terrified Testimony! [Euro-Asiata; ed: Pogaria]
#874: Still Life [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#875: They See Me Trollin', They Threatenin' [Nation of Quebec; ed: Ransium]
#876: Sequels: The Saga Continues [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]
#877: Gunning for Profits [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Pogaria]
#878: DoublePlusUnGood [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#879: Power to the (AI) People [Kenmoria; ed: Caracasus]
#880: Oh @@NAME@@, What Obscene Children's Books You Have [Jutsa; ed: The Free Joy State]
#881: Blooming Out of Proportion [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#882: Death by Chocolate [USS Monitor; ed: The Free Joy State]
#883: Who Let the Dinos Out? [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#884: You're Psychotic, @@LEADER@@ [Jutsa; ed: Ransium]
#885: Has Beans [Perezidence; ed: Nation of Quebec & Sedgistan]
#886: Bounty on the Table [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#887: Thin Skin [New Fulford; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#888: Criminal Patterns [Annopolis; ed: Caracasus]
#889: A Plank Too Far [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#890: Mining Blues [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#891: Preach It! [Glacikaldr; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#892: The Old Metric [Shwe Tu Colony; ed: Ransium]
#893: Bread is the Stuff of Strife [Zaluzianskya; ed: Helaw]
#894: Seigneurs Demand Rights [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]
#895: Stop Training and Start Coaching [Jutsa & Australian rePublic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#896: It's Our Lot in Life [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#897: The Devil's Playground [Anatidia; ed: The Free Joy State]
#898: Two's Company, Three's a Crowd, Four's an Uprising [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: The Free Joy State]
#899: Uncultured Singles in Your Area [Ljeb Bodo; ed: Zwangzug]
#900: Piracy on the High Trees [Ransium; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#901: You Buy That? [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#902: Killer App [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#903: Every Breath You Take [Ransium; ed: Ransium]
#904: Yours Insincerely [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]
#905: Stage Directions [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#906: Internet Killed the Television Star [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#907: A Problem Shared [Singapore no2; ed: ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#908: The Forbidden Fruit [Singapore no2; ed: The Free Joy State]
#909: On the Fence [Fauxia; ed: Ransium]
#910: A for Effort [Orgrua; ed: Baggieland]
#911: For Crying Out Loud [Drasnia; ed: Ransium]
#912: Ambassadors Behaving Madly [Nation of Quebec; ed: Pogaria]
#913: Couped Up [Allahad; ed: The Free Joy State]
#914: Shepherds Without a Flock [Sunset Sea Islands; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#915: Clasp of Controversy [Fauxia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#916: Swing and a Miss [Nation of Quebec; ed: Zwangzug]
#917: School's In, Cash Is Out! [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#918: J'Accuse! [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]
#919: The Meaning of Life [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#920: Central Planning Theatrics [Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#921: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad @@NAME@@ [Westfacto; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#922: I'll Have What She's Having [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#923: Ministers Exposing Themselves [Nation of Quebec; ed: Caracasus]
#924: Total Eclipse of the Brain [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#925: Ring of Death [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#926: Ghost in the Machine [Union of socialist states of america; ed: Zwangzug]
#927: Your Assignment, Should You Choose to Accept It [Fauxia; ed: Baggieland]
#928: Get A Life [The Free Joy State; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#929: Champagne in the Glass [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Pogaria]
#930: Flag It Down? [Christo Pax; ed: Zwangzug]
#931: In the Navy [USS Monitor; ed: The Free Joy State]
#932: Teacher's Past Blown Wide Open [Yetiglanchi Baby; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#933: A Gun in Every Hand and a Tank in Every Garage? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#934: @@LEADER@@, Don't Tear Down That Wall! [Bears Armed; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#935: Hero to Zero [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#936: Hackable Elections? [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]
#937: Ebony Pride [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#938: A Little Gift From a Friend [Jutsa; ed: Baggieland]
#939: A Question of Bad Faith [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#940: The Court of the Crimson Lord [Altmer Dominion; ed: Pogaria]
#941: Scents and Sensibility [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#942: A Foreign Exchange of Ideas [Benetania; ed: Caracasus]
#943: Big Love, Big Problems? [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]
#944: Deadly Persuasion [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: The Free Joy State]
#945: Police on the Take [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#946: Better In Than Out [Baggieland; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#947: Imitation Station [Nation NameDotDotDot; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#948: 1x, 2x, 3x, A Lady [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#949: Jailhouses Rocked! [Altmer Dominion; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#950: Borderline Pandemic [Singapore no2; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#951: The Wrath of the Fish King [Palos Heights; ed: Ransium]
#952: Why the Long Face? [Saidoria; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#953: The Ethnic Minority Report [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Caracasus]
#954: Varsity Blues [Carrasastova; Zwangzug]
#955: Can It! [Vincere Terrae; ed: The Free Joy State]
#956: The Bottom of the Gun Barrel [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#957: Putrid Predicament [Singapore no2; ed: Baggieland]
#958: Pay No Attention to That Donor Behind the Curtain! [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#959: A-Major Debate [Candensia; ed: Ransium]
#960: Nobody Does It Better? [Incremenia; ed: Pogaria]
#961: No Two Ways About It [Singapore no2; ed:Pogaria]
#962: A Matter of Loaf and Death [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#963: The @@LEADER@@ Meme [Siarki; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#964: An Expensive Watch [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Baggieland]
#965: Like a Bull in a Dàguó Shop [Singapore no2; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#966: As You Don't Like It [Altmer Dominion; ed: Wyethalania]
#967: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics [The Atlae Isles; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#968: @@NAME@@ Falls Flat In Singing Contest [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#969: Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Incredibly Sick! [Layvia; ed: Pogaria]
#970: For Want of a Nail [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#971: Ambassadors Inextraordinary [Laeral; ed: Zwangzug]
#972: Sing Heil! [Chan Island; ed: The Free Joy State]
#973: Guided Missiles and Misguided Men [Chan Island; ed: Pogaria]
#974: Siren Song [Candensia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#975: Paparazzi Parents [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#976: Demonic Possession Getting You Down? [Baggieland; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#977: Tragedy of Wounded Earlobe [Altmer Dominion; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#978: Alone in the Dark [Zhokinland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#979: A Patronising Statement [Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#980: Small Claims [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#981: Westfailian Sovereignty [Australian rePublic; ed: Baggieland]
#982: Your Move, @@LEADER@@? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Zwangzug]
#983: Doctors' Orders [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]
#984: A Midsummer Night's Snooze-Fest [Drayxaso; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#985: Service With a Snarl [Chan Island; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#986: Poacher Pandemic [New Socialist South Africa; ed: Baggieland]
#987: Quia Scriptum Est [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Sanctaria]
#988: Highway Robbery by the Book! [Palos Heights; ed: The Free Joy State]
#989: Gunman Wounds Three [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#990: Baby Shower [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#991: Alms and Qualms [Buceroque; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#992: Robots in Disguise [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#993: Drug Deals [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#994: The Life of Riley [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#995: A Cup Runneth Over [Kynice; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#996: Scripting a Change? [Chan Island; ed: Baggieland]
#997: The Enemy Within: Not a Second Time [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Gnejs]
#998: Without Fear Or Favour [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#999: Just Plane Ridiculous [Singapore no2; ed: Wyethalania]
#1000: Should Democracy Be Compulsory?
#1001: Will the Real Victims Please Stand Up? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Baggieland]
#1002: The Call of Nature [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1003: That Smarts [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1004: Two Countries and a Baby [Sanctaria; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1005: What Goes Up Breaks Down [Eluvetia; ed: Baggieland]
#1006: Opening the Door to Controversy [Duurfald; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1007: Putting Your Foot in It [GeodesicDragon; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1008: Wash Your Mouth Out! [The Kind-of-United States; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1009: A Woman's Roll [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1010: What's Got Into @@NAME@@? [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1011: State of the Media [Singapore no2; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1012: Tilting at Wind Turbines [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1013: Grave Disease [Suizo; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1014: Unreasonable Doubt [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1015: Court In the Middle [Commonwealth Republic of Andyrssia; ed: Baggieland]
#1016: Breaking Upset [The United Providences of Perland; ed: Baggieland]
#1017: A Cure for the Black Market [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1018: Operation Failed [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1019: Patent Nonsense [Singapore no2; ed: Pogaria]
#1020: Bi-NO-Metric? [Arthropol; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1021: Room and Board Games [Esterild; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1022: Failure to Respond [Australian rePublic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1023: Pure Madness [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1024: Terms and Conditions Apply? [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1025: A Meal to Die For [Candensia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1026: Size Matters [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1027: Murder in Mind [Singapore no2; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1028: Can't Get Enough of You Baby [Gnejs; ed: Baggieland]
#1029: Frozen Assets [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1030: Looking Down in the Dumps [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1031: Down in the Groove [Schiltzberg; ed: Baggieland]
#1032: So... That Worked [Chan Island; ed: Zwangzug]
#1033: Someone to Watch Over Me [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1034: Counting Coups [Fauxia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1035: Bringing a Bayonet to a Gunfight [Chan Island; ed: Baggieland]
#1036: When in Maxtopia [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1037: Ill Girl [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1038: Maid to Order [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1039: You've Got Mail [Jutsa; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1040: A Recipe for Success? [State of Minnmar; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1041: A Sport Retort [Pogaria & Baggieland; ed: Pogaria & Baggieland]
#1042: Failure to Launch [The Sakhalinsk Empire; ed: Zwangzug]
#1043: Foundering Fashionistas [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1044: OK Stupid [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1045: The Enemy Within: Gimme Some Truth [Drasnia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1046: Buffing Up Our Hospitals? [Palos Heights; ed: Sanctaria]
#1047: Rivers of Blood [Candensia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1048: Tatty Treaty Spat Turns Catty [Yahlia; ed: Pogaria]
#1049: Hard Times Ahead? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1050: Criminal Guns Soon To Be Shooting Blanks [Sacara; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1051: Take to the Skies [Splendania; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
#1052: The Prisoners' Dilemma [Caracasus; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1053: Some Enchanted Evening That Was [The Free Joy State; ed: Wyethalania]
#1054: Herbal Trouble [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1055: Fishy Predictions [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1056: Time to Work? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1057: Baby, It's Cold Outside [-WeedLand-; ed: Zwangzug]
#1058: LEEDing From Behind [Altmer Dominion; The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1059: Footing the Bill [Baggieland & Pogaria; ed: Baggieland & Pogaria]
#1060: Hole in the Wall [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1061: Every Day I'm Muffling [Sapnu puas; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1062: The Hunt for the Violet November [The-CID; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1063: Playing It by the Numbers [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Caracasus]
#1064: Culture Wars [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1065: Pulling Out [Jutsa; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1066: It's an Honour Just to Be Condemned [The Free Joy State; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1067: Don't Fear the Reefer [Nation of Quebec; ed: Pogaria]
#1068: Made to Break [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1069: Bowl Motions [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1070: Skeletons in the Closet [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1071: Up the Creek [Australian rePublic ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1072: Holographic Harmonization [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1073: Much Ado About Everything [East Oceania; ed: Baggieland]
#1074: Halting the Heirloom Heist! [Candensia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1075: The Hand That Feeds [Gnejs; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1076: Smokers Cornered [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Baggieland]
#1077: With Friends Like These... [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1078: Down With That? [Sacara; ed: Baggieland]
#1079: What's Love Got to Do With It? [The Free Joy State; ed: Baggieland]
#1080: The End Was Nigh [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1081: The Queen in Yellow [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1082: It's Hard to Separate the Truth From Entertainment [USS Monitor; ed: Pogaria]
#1083: Public Protesting Pawnbroker Pickpockets [Aethyric Peoples; ed: Zwangzug]
#1084: How Now Kowtow? [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1085: Nuke Before You Leap [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1086: Fun in the Sun [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1087: An International Dictatorial Dilemma [Chan Island; ed: Pogaria]
#1088: Inexpert Opinions [Atlantica Primerous; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1089: Woman Trouble [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1090: I Ain't Afraid of No Girls [The Free Joy State; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1091: The Great Divide [Koreas North; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1092: The Boys from Brasilistan [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1093: Ignorance is No Excuse? [Matroyska; ed: Pogaria]
#1094: A Political Cover-Up [Jutsa; ed: Baggieland]
#1095: Make The Cut [Australian rePublic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1096: En Bloc [Jutsa; ed: Gnejs]
#1097: What Do We Do With a Drunken Sailor? [Caracasus; ed: Baggieland]
#1098: Edged Out [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1099: New Satellite Blues [Ransium; ed: Pogaria]
#1100: Raiders of the Lost Archive [Helaw; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1101: Unreal [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1102: The Sickest Criminals [Candensia; ed: USS Monitor]
#1103: Dàguó Takeaway [Australian rePublic; ed: Baggieland]
#1104: Balancing the Books [Braskia; ed: Ransium]
#1105: A Green History Lesson [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1106: Some Body to Love [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Baggieland]
#1107: Welcome to the Party [Caracasus; ed: Gnejs]
#1108: A Whiskey Rebellion Brewing [Verdant Haven; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1109: Of Mice and Meth [Jutsa; ed: USS Monitor]
#1110: Curtains for the Horrorshow [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1111: A Call for Change [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1112: Stray Bullets [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1113: No Sex Please, We're @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1114: Patriotism Flagging [Sacara; ed: Baggieland]
#1115: One in the Arm for @@LEADER@@? [Turbeaux & Tinhampton; ed: Caracasus]
#1116: To Each According to His Feed [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1117: Suffer Little Children [The Free Joy State; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]
#1118: We Can't Cross That Bridge When We Get to It [Nedanelden; ed: Zwangzug]
#1119: Where There Isn't Smoke [Ransium & Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1120: Following Yonder Star [Bears Armed; ed: Pogaria]
#1121: Tribes and Tribulations [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1122: Easter Egg: Just Say No to E [Zwangzug; ed: Zwangzug]
#1123: Til Death Do Us Part [Sacara; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1124: Signing Off, Your God [Fauxia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1125: Blowing Smoke [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1126: Waste of Time [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1127: The Fast and the Fossilized [Szargia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1128: Get Thee Behind Me, Santa [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1129: Behind the Red Curtain [Caracasus; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1130: Flash Crash Cash Dash [Verdant Haven; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1131: Safe Sects [The Free Joy State; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1132: Gold Standards [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1133: Rocky Road [Candensia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1134: Tariff-ic Trouble [GeodesicDragon; ed: Zwangzug]
#1135: My Eyes Are Up Here [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1136: Money Talks [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1137: A Really Sour Lemon [Yotongrek & Jutsa; ed: Pogaria]
#1138: Shock Tactics [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1139: A Little Wrestling, a Lot of Controversy [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1140: Blinded by the Light [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1141: The Trolley Problem [Verdant Haven; ed: Pogaria]
#1142: Womb Service [Pirate States of Morgana; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1143: Running From Time [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1144: A Noble Cause for a Fight [Fardhin; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1145: Your Wild Self(ie) [Altmer Dominion; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1146: Mother Knows Best? [Sacara; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1147: The Long Walk [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1148: Unfit for Purpose [Nuremgard; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1149: The Goriest Advertisement [Chan Island; ed: Pogaria]
#1150: Back Lash Backlash [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1151: Gotta Go Fast [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Baggieland]
#1152: Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting! [Bears Armed; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1153: Side Effects [Candensia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1154: Foreign Tax Credits Leave Film Industry Reeling [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1155: The Banquet of Walnuts [Verdant Haven; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1156: Pet Theory [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1157: Rodney and Julietta [The Free Joy State; ed: Pogaria]
#1158: Flying Into a Rage [Australian rePublic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1159: The Sad State of Affairs [Jutsa; ed: Baggieland]
#1160: Milking It [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1161: Chip Off the Ol' Bloc [Jutsa; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1162: She's Always a Woman to Me [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Gnejs]
#1163: Some Assembly Required [Austral Coast; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1164: What a Gneiss Place We've Got Here [Chan Island; ed: Luna Amore]
#1165: Crosswords Beget Angry Letters [Lislandia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1166: Acres Wild [Altmer Dominion; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1167: Another Brick in the Wall [Sacara; ed: Baggieland]
#1168: Too Much Too Young [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Nation of Quebec]
#1169: An Old Head on Young Shoulders [Candensia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1170: To Catch a Beef [Luna Amore; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1171: Match Made in Heaven? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1172: Piled Higher and Deeper [Ransium; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1173: Thinking a Little Too Hard? [Krusavich; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1174: Bad Press [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1175: Can I Borrow a Word? [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Baggieland]
#1176: Haters Gonna Hate [Skottengrad; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1177: A Funny Old Game [Outer Sparta; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1178: No Need to Beat Yourself Up About It [Baggieland; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1179: Nothing Fishy [Ransium; ed: Ransium & Candlewhisper Archive]
#1180: Death Doesn't Discriminate [Jutsa; ed: Zwangzug]
#1181: Jolly Jousting Japes [Nuremgard; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1182: Thanks, but No Thanks [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1183: Bloodied but Unbowed [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Baggieland]
#1184: Wring Out Your Dead [Caracasus; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1185: Should Be Sufficient [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1186: The Magic's Gone [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: USS Monitor]
#1187: Tipping Point [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Zwangzug]
#1188: The Only Good Criminal [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1189: Driven to Distraction [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1190: Dirty Laundry [The Sakhalinsk Empire; ed: Zwangzug]
#1191: Intelligent Design [Kylarnatia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1192: Child's Play [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1193: Relocating the Living Room [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1194: Lost in Translation [Serilin; ed: USS Monitor]
#1195: All Hands On Tap [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1196: The Properties of Property [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1197: Aflame with Indignity [Pogaria; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1198: The Death Debate Isn't Dead Yet [Zyris; ed: Baggieland]
#1199: Locked Down [Queen Yuno; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:43 am

Section 4

#1200: Choose Your God Wisely [Baggieland; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1201: Tell Me Sweet Little Lies [Kurnugia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1202: A Timely Intervention [The New California Republic; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1203: The Fandom Menace [Chrimbus; ed: Zwangzug]
#1204: Homecoming Queen [GeodesicDragon; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1205: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow [Luna Amore; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1206: Gross Domestic Product [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1207: Next, Please! [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1208: Just Snoring With Excitement [Midand; ed: Zwangzug]
#1209: Your Island Is My Island [The United Lands of Ash; ed: Baggieland]
#1210: Big Tobacco in Big Trouble [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1211: Free Credit Reports With Monitoring [Japanese Schoolgirls; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1212: Lost at Sea [The Super Fork; ed: Baggieland]
#1213: The War of Man and Beast [Jutsa; ed: Zwangzug]
#1214: Blood Type: Gay Positive [Endraas; ed: Sanctaria]
#1215: A New Age [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1216: Not My Government [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1217: Monkey Business [Nation of Quebec; ed: Baggieland]
#1218: Due Processing [Autonomous Cleaner Bot Cleaners; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1219: Vat Is a Serious Problem [Pogaria; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1220: Barely Any Art [Devil Heart; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1221: Man of the People [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1222: Family Matters [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1223: Courting Bankruptcy [Nuremgard; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1224: Shine On, You Crazy Diamond [Verdant Haven; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1225: The Rumors, They Fly [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1226: Unintelligent Oversight [Valrifell; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1227: Girls on Film [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Baggieland]
#1228: The Road to Hell [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1229: Crystal Clear Sinuses [Candensia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1230: Home Hunger [Chan Island; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1231: Save Our Souls [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1232: I've Got 99 Problems but @@FAITH@@ Ain't One [Altmer Dominion; ed: Zwangzug]
#1233: Get Real! [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1234: I Declare a Thumb War [Verdant Haven; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1235: Good Guy With a Gun [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1236: Being Honest [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1237: A Polar Bear's Tale [Australian rePublic; ed: Baggieland]
#1238: No Shoes, No Service [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1239: The Walking, Talking, and Irritated Dead [Window Land; ed: Baggieland]
#1240: Unadmirable Zeal [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1241: Return Statement [Autonomous Cleaner Bot Cleaners; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1242: Jump Leads [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Baggieland]
#1243: Kicking Back [Verdant Haven; ed: Baggieland]
#1244: Mooning the Flag [Bormiar; ed: Zwangzug]
#1245: Sheepish Students [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1246: Breath of the Wild [Nation of Quebec; ed: Baggieland]
#1247: Suspension of the Disbelieved [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1248: A Day To Remember [SherpDaWerp; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1249: Red Dead Representatives [Old Northwest; ed: Zwangzug]
#1250: @@NAME@@'s Next Top Mohel [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1251: The Making of a Mass Murderer [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1252: Ale to the Chief [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1253: Build a Better Baby? [Hediacrana; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1254: Sales on Rails [Mondrina; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1255: This Lady's Not for Turning [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1256: Train in Vain [Australian rePublic; ed: Baggieland]
#1257: It's a Kind of Magic [Podium; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1258: Henceforward Shall Be Free [The Sakhalinsk Empire; ed: Baggieland]
#1259: Buy Low, Sell High [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1260: Gay Abandoned [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1261: Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1262: Dead Tasty [Ostanasia; ed: Baggieland]
#1263: Is the Signature Always Right? [San Pera; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1264: Flooding the Market [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1265: The Silent Majority's Roaring Mouthpiece [Nation of Quebec; ed: Luna Amore]
#1266: Pink Is the New Orange [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1267: Hamming It Up [Verdant Haven; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1268: Don't Sweat It [SherpDaWerp & Canyamel; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1269: All That Glitters [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1270: I'll Be Watching You [Nation of Quebec; ed: Baggieland]
#1271: Cathedrals Have Never Been Hotter [Crowden; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1272: Old News [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1273: Lessons in Politics [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1274: No Room Left for Asylum Seekers [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Zwangzug]
#1275: You Cruise, You Lose? [Pogaria; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1276: A Boatload of Trouble [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Baggieland]
#1277: Outside the Box [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1278: A Textbook Cover-Up? [Lislandia; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1279: Crate Work, Plane and Simple [Candensia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1280: The Amazing, but Illegal, Spiderman [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1281: The Not-So-Worldwide Web [Zwangzug; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1282: Resting in Peace [The Rhein States; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1283: Comrade, Please! [Caracasus; ed: Altmer Dominion]
#1284: How to Choose the Chosen One [Baggieland; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1285: Born to Kill [Jutsa; ed: USS Monitor]
#1286: Burning Over a New Leaf [Palos Heights; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1287: Children of the Magna Carta [Heavens Reach; ed: Baggieland]
#1288: Have They Lost Their Minds? [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1289: Cramping Our Style [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1290: Why Didn't the @@ANIMAL@@ Cross the Road? [SherpDaWerp; ed: Ransium]
#1291: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year [The Free Joy State; ed: Baggieland]
#1292: A Sticky End for @@LEADER@@? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Ransium]
#1293: Bet Your Life [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1294: Silence in Court [Fontenais; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1295: Show Trial [Fontenais; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1296: Once Upon a Time [Jutsa; ed: Baggieland]
#1297: What Are You Hiding in Your Genes? [Daarwyrth; ed: Zwangzug]
#1298: Ranchers Get Thrown to the Wolves [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1299: A Silent Salute [Chan Island; ed:Altmer Dominion]
#1300: Fifth Column in the Fifth Chord [Litauengrad; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1301: Meat the Neighbours [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1302: The @@NAME@@ Identity [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1303: Amateur Hour [Outer Sparta; ed: Zwangzug]
#1304: Nothing to See [Sedgistan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1305: The Woman From AUNT [Altmer Dominion; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1306: The Least Common Educator [Candensia; ed: Baggieland]
#1307: A Duty to Serve [Conexia; ed: USS Monitor]
#1308: One in the Oven [Maverique; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1309: Give @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@ a Bone [Sedgistan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1310: Intimate Relations [AnPrim Island; ed: Sedgistan]
#1311: An Acquired Taste [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1312: Cranmer Vs. Cranmer [The Free Joy State; ed: Baggieland]
#1313: The Meek Shall Inherit? [Nuremgard; ed: Zwangzug]
#1314: Nothing to Write Home About [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1315: No Boycott After All; Parliament Just Got Lost [AnPrim Island; ed: Zwangzug]
#1316: Gonna Take My Hearse to the Old Town Road [Pangurstan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1317: Nanny State [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1318: Blitzed [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]
#1319: Dying for Two [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1320: A Case of Poor Turnaround [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1321: Who Wants to Know a Millionaire? [Asle Leopolka; ed: Zwangzug]
#1322: Introducing Altengarten? [SherpDaWerp; ed: Sedgistan]
#1323: Toss the Coin? [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Baggieland]
#1324: Wrecked by Wrestling? [Voxija; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1325: Having Faith in Communism [Sensorland; ed: Zwangzug]
#1326: Hostile Hospitality [Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1327: Which Right Is Right? [Australian rePublic; ed: Baggieland]
#1328: Not-So-Friendly Fire [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1329: A Little Bit Short [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1330: Guilt by Association [Nuremgard; ed: Baggieland]
#1331: Warning, Fatigue [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1332: We Won't, We Won't Rock You [Sedgistan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1333: Married With Benefits? [South Ccanda; ed: Zwangzug]
#1334: Withdrawing Diplomatic Relations [USS Monitor; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1335: First-Class Warfare [Krusavich; ed: Altmer dominion and Zwangzug]
#1336: Take Good Care of My Baby [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1337: Waste Not Want Not [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1338: Slow and Stupid Is the Race [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Baggieland]
#1339: AI Citizens Driving Change? [SherpDaWerp; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1340: Unnatural Conception [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1341: Caught Off Guard [Aschenburg; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1342: Uni-ted We Roll, Uni-ted We Fall [Fine Television Programming, ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1343: Feeling Down [Seenvorland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1344: Ups and Downs [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1345: To Each According to Whatever's Left [Jutsa; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1346: The Problem With Peyote [Voxija, ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1347: Winning the Genetic Lottery [Anprim island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1348: Heaven Can't Wait [Maria del Rey; ed: Zwangzug]
#1349: You Must Be 18 Years or Older to View This Content [Noahs Second Country, ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1350: The @@DEMONYM_NOUN_PLURAL@@ Are Coming! [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1351: Come Give @@LEADER@@ a Kiss! [Daarwyrth; ed: Sanctaria]
#1352: The Brains Behind Kuru [Electrum; ed: Zwangzug]
#1353: The Birds and the Plan Bs [Electrum; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1354: The One-Trick Pony [Jutsa; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1355: Feeling Null [Krusavich; ed: Zwangzug]
#1356: The Silicon Curtain [Guaylandia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1357: Scattered Showers [Omniabstracta; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1358: Who's In Your Wallet? [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1359: Covering All the Angles [Pythaga; ed: Zwangzug]
#1360: Ask A Stupid Question? [Fauxia; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1361: Fundamental Rights [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1362: The Trans Panic Button [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1363: In My Defence... [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1364: Payday Groans [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Zwangzug]
#1365: Balancing the Box [Nuremgard; ed: Electrum]
#1366: Parklife [Pythaga; ed Gnejs]
#1367: Sweet, Sweet Marketing [Lelscrep, ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1368: Parking Hell [Genbu Kaiden; ed: Electrum]
#1369: Negotiation Complication [Westinor, ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1370: All Systems Post-Nominal [Verdant Haven; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1371: @@NATION@@ Rocked by Rolls' Fatal Role [Opatia; ed: Noahs Second Country]
#1372: Balls to All That [Outer Sparta; ed: Zwangzug]
#1373: You Should Have (Copy)Left My Software Alone! [SherpDaWerp; ed: Electrum]
#1374: Protect and Swerve [Candensia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1375: MADness: Never Say Yes to a Conference Again [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1376: MADness: From East Lebatuck With Love [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1377: MADness: For @@LEADER@@'s Ears Only [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1378: MADness: Authorization to Kill [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1379: MADness: A View to a Thrill [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1380: MADness: A View to a Thrill [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1381: MADness: Chairman No [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1382: MADness: Leave and Let Die [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1383: MADness: You Only Negotiate Twice [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1384: MADness: On @@LEADER@@'s Secret Service [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1385: MADness: Skycrash [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1386: MADness: The Spy Who Tricked Me [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1387: MADness: The @@DEMONYM@@ with the Golden Gun [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1388: MADness: Tomorrow Never Arrives [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1389: MADness: Die Some Other Day [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1390: MADness: Spectrum of Solace [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1391: MADness: The World Is Not Radioactive Enough [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1392: MADness: No Crime to Spy [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1393: MADness: Authorization to Kill [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1394: MADness: For @@LEADER@@'s Ears Only [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1395: MADness: For @@LEADER@@'s Ears Only [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1396: MADness: Skycrash [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1397: MADness: On @@LEADER@@'s Secret Service [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1398: MADness: Spectre Royale [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1399: MADness: VioletEye [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1400: MADness: President No [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1401: MADness: Leave and Let Die [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1402: MADness: You Only Negotiate Twice [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1403: MADness: Tomorrow Never Arrives [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1404: MADness: Die Some Other Day [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1405: MADness: Spectrum of Solace [Pogaria; ed: Pogaria]
#1406: Can't Touch This [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1407: New Tricks [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1408: (A Lot Of) Pennies for Your Thoughts [Fauxia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1409: Happy Pranksgiving! [Verdant Haven; ed: Noahs Second Country]
#1410: Lives On-Line [Verdant Haven; ed: Pogaria]
#1411: Atomic Split [Daarwyrth; ed: Electrum]
#1412: Another Day, Another Dollar [Ransium; ed: Electrum]
#1413: Old Fusion [Gabingston; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1414: My Milkshake Brings All the @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to the Yard [Zwangzug; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1415: The Melting Point [Westinor; ed: Noahs Second Country]
#1416: Building on Sand [Fauxia; ed: Zwangzug]
#1417: Nun on the Run [Sacara; ed: Pogaria]
#1418: The High Life [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1419: The Madson-Hashley Scandal [Electrum; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1420: Trading Climate Sours [Refuge Isle; ed: Noahs Second Country]
#1421: Have Your Cake and Don't Eat It [Wischland, ed: The Free Joy State]
#1422: Who Comes Up With This Ship? [Sedgistan; ed: Pogaria]
#1423: A Slice of the Pi [Candlewhisper Archive; Candlewhisper Archive]
#1424: Here's Looking at Zoo, Kid [Socio Polor, ed: Electrum]
#1425: @@LEADER@@'s New Clothes [The United Lands of Ash; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1426: She's a Keeper [Honeydewistania and Australian rePublic, ed: Electrum]
#1427: May the Fourth Estate Be With You [Cretox State; ed: Electrum]
#1428: In the Bag [Indusse, Electrum; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1429: The Wind Become Death [Westinor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1430: Taking the Peace? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1431: Just Deserts for Desertion? [Baggieland; ed: Pogaria]
#1432: Oh Dear [Baggieland; ed: Pogaria]
#1433: Green Thumbs Sore [Cretox State; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
#1434: Blood on Your Nuts [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Noahs Second Country]
#1435: A Hot Potato [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1436: Meat Meet [Fauxia; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
#1437: Crushed Dreams [Lansaka; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1438: Push Polling [Cretox State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1439: Philately Will Get You Nowhere [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
#1440: Dungeons and Deaths [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Pogaria]
#1441: Don't Burn Baby Don't Burn [Apabeossie; ed: Electrum]
#1442: A Green Bill of Health [Candensia; ed: Electrum]
#1443: Forage and Forget [Candensia; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
#1444: Trouble in Deed [Cretox State; ed: Pogaria]
#1445: The Dialectics of Dialects [GeodesicDragon; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
#1446: Yet Another Issue About Periods [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1447: The Lowest Form of Wit [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1448: A Seat Quite Vacant Is a Seat Distressed [SherpDaWerp; ed: Pogaria]
#1449: Annie Get Your Gun [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1450: Driving @@LEADER@@ [Avaerilon; ed: Pogaria]
#1451: A Dread Letter [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1452: Hello Darkness My Old Friend [Valentine Z; ed: Electrum]
#1453: A Salt and Battery [Candensia; ed: Pogaria]
#1454: Poplar Opinion [Honeydewistania, ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1455: Trademarks Make Their Mark on Marketing [Noahs Second Country; ed: Pogaria]
#1456: Weather Report: It's Not Graining In East Lebatuck [Fauxia; ed: Electrum]
#1457: Use the Farce, @@LEADER@@ [Pogaria; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1458: Children of @@RELIGION@@ [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1459: Friends With Tax Benefits [The Returners; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1460: A Burning Question [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1461: No Shirt, No Shoes, No ID, No Service [Italios; ed: Electrum and The Grim Reaper]
#1462: Glory Kill [Krusavich; ed: Pogaria]
#1463: Sandbagging [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1464: Gentry Genes Getting Grim [Ostrov Svobody; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1465: Parking Pandemonium [Authoritaria-Imperia; ed: Electrum]
#1466: Don't Shoot Your Eye Out [Socialist Macronesia; ed: Candensia]
#1467: Gay Men Held by Police [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1468: Meat With Approval [Sedgistan; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1469: News Flash! [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1470: The Devil's Spawn [Great Robertia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1471: @@LEADER@@ and the Lost Chamber of Vetoes [Daarwyrth; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1472: Home Is Where the Lung Is [Osheiga; ed: USS Monitor]
#1473: A Pretty Pass [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Pogaria]
#1474: Cuy Bono? [Bears Armed; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1475: Bombshell for @@LEADER@@ [Fauxia; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1476: Known Unknowns [Northern Socialist Council Republics; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1477: Some People Never Listen [Terrabod; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1478: Two Sides of a Coin [The Ankhalic Vaspriot; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1479: Fares Fair? [Paffnia; ed: USS Monitor]
#1480: Motherlode [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive
#1481: Livin' on a Prayer [Sacara; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1482: A Crypto for the Comrades? [Krusavich; ed: Pogaria]
#1483: The Unkindest Cut [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1484: Joint Trade Agreement [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1485: How to Train Your AI [SherpDaWerp; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1486: Ask Your Doctor if Ads for Prescription Drugs Are Right for @@NAME@@ [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1487: O Fortuna! [Daarwyrth; ed: Pogaria]
#1488: First, Do No Harm [United Indian Nations; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1489: No Tern Left Unstoned [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Sedgistan]
#1490: @@LEADER@@ Wins Massive Victory! [Cretox State; ed: Pogaria]
#1491: Press Gang [Cretox State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1492: Smoke on the Water [Abacathea; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1493: Bully Beef [Dabarastan, Jim the Baptist; ed: Sedgistan]
#1494: A Minor Political Problem [Sacara; ed: Candensia, Pogaria]
#1495: Throwing Paleontologists a Bone [Ransium; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1496: A Place For Everything [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1497: Double Trouble [Electrum; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1498: Flight 201: An Airspace Oddity [Dabarastan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1499: Chasing the Pixelated Dragon [Paragon Utopia; ed: Pogaria]
#1500: Rodents of Unusual Sociability [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Sedgistan]
#1501: Diamond in the Rough [Ransium; ed: Pogaria]
#1502: Dirty Deals [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1503: The Scent of Sexism [San Laurenz; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1504: Asking for a Raise [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Pogaria]
#1505: A Tangled Web [Gudicia; ed: Pogaria]
#1506: A Need for Order [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1507: Busting to Go [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: TBD]
#1508: Kicking Out the Competition [Mertagne; ed: Electrum]
#1509: Parks and Aggravation [Pogaria; ed: Gnejs]
#1510: Devolution Devolves Into Disaster? [Erynia and Draconia; ed: Pogaria]
#1511: Three Little Words [The Free Joy State; ed: Electrum]
#1512: The Door's Unlocked, Let Yourself In... [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1513: Bunged Up [Daarwyrth; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1514: Flushing for Freedom [Sylestone; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1515: Uncharitable Donations [United Denstovia, ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1516: Content Discontent [Verdant Haven, Terrabod; ed: Pogaria]
#1517: I Guess You Can Tell Me the Odds [Great Robertia; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1518: Test Environment [Ko-oren; ed: Gnejs]
#1519: Remittances Running Rampant [Jim the Baptist; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1520: @@LEADER@@'s Big Unicameral Bash [Untecna; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1521: The Bells! The Bells! [Bears Armed; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1522: Scry Babies [Sammuramat; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1523: Don't Tread on My Money [Merni; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1524: Built to Rule [Daarwyrth; ed: Pogaria]
#1525: @@LEADER@@: The Musical! [Pogaria; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1526: Corporate Pride [Cretox State; ed: Gnejs]
#1527: God Save The Queens [Daarwyrth; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1528: Our Feta Which Art in Havarti... [The Daystar Isles; ed: Pogaria]
#1529: Duel of the Fates [SherpDaWerp; ed: Gnejs]
#1530: Absolutely Speechless [Baloo Kingdom; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1531: Fine Time [West Barack and East Obama; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1532: When Life Doesn't Give You Lemons [West Barack and East Obama; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]
#1533: Give a Girl Some Credit [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1534: Give a Boy Some Credit [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1535: Mr. Tingle Goes to Cyberspace [Luna Amore; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1536: The Birdman of Pelicanz [Bears Armed; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1537: Bench Wars [Roulantinia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1538: The Passion of Chris [Siornor; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1539: Save the Last Dance [Sedgistan; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1540: Clean Flavours [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland and Candensia]
#1541: Confusion of the Highest Order [The Dark Crusaders; ed: Sedgistan]
#1542: Dangerous Liaisons [Baggieland; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]
#1543: What Are We Paying For? [Verdant Haven; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1544: Happy Juice [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1545: Deep Down Up to No Good [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1546: Fool's Gold [Electrum; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1547: The Return of the Prodigal Son [Baggieland; ed: Zwangzug]
#1548: Killing in the Name of Beer [RedBrickLand; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1549: Easter Egg: 20 Years A-Workin' [Sanctaria, Pogaria, Verdant Haven, Zwangzug, Electrum, Gnejs, Candlewhisper Archive, Sedgistan, & Noahs Second Country; ed: Sanctaria]
#1550: A Friend With Weed Is a Friend Indeed? [Westinor; ed: Pogaria]
#1551: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1552: An Issue About Nothing [Nardin; ed: Electrum]
#1553: Fifteen Minutes of Flame [Savantoj; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1554: Trajectory x Velocity = GOAALL! [Baggieland; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1555: Deaf Trap [Cassinia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1556: Gimme Shelter [Nuremgard; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1557: The Artist Is Literally Present [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Noahs Second Country]
#1558: Unequal Treatment? [Erynia and Draconia, Courelli; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1559: Skin's the Wrong Colour [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1560: Dead Gay [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1561: Murderers Making Money? [The United Union; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1562: Shapes of Your Own Choosing [Verdant Haven; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1563: Apostropocalypse Now [Wentland; ed: Electrum]
#1564: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road [Talchyon; ed: SherpDaWerp]
#1565: The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Gluttony [Millenhaal; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1566: Consensus Controversy [Logi Apeir; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1567: Of Health and Wealth [Wischland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1568: Palate Torture [New Anarchisticstan; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1569: The Not-So-Long Arm of the Law [West Barack and East Obama; ed: Pogaria]
#1570: TBD
#1571: Let's Fix Our Matches [Outer Sparta; ed: Baggieland]
#1572: Eco Warriors [Sedgistan; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1573: Unseen Academia [Cefalonia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1574: Fowl Play [West Barack and East Obama; ed: Baggieland]
#1575: Unequal Devolution [Circulationem Pecunia; ed: SherpDaWerp]
#1576: Liquidity Problems [Verdant Haven; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1577: All About the Hustle [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1578: The Magical Adventures of @LEADER@@ [Kaschovia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1579: A High-Interest Coupnundrum [Hulldom; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1580: Profitable for Doctrine [Tinhampton; ed: Verdant Haven]

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:43 am

Section 5

#1581: Circling the Brain Drain [West Barack and East Obama; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1582: Hospital Problems Ramping Up [Klaus Devestatorie, ed: Verdany Haven]
#1583: Spare the (Plutonium) Rod [Cretox State; ed: Baggieland]
#1584: Loose Lips, Characters Shipped? [Novo Terres; ed: Pogaria]
#1585: The Taste of Revenge [Edush; ed: Gnejs]
#1586: Don't Point That Thing at Me! [Mierria; ed: Westinor]
#1587: DEMONYM, Interrupted [Reploid Productions]
#1588: More Popular Than @@FAITH@@ [Fr ance; ed: Pogaria]
#1589: Losing Touch [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1590: Tinder Profiled [Australian rePublic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1591: (You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Sample!) [Southland; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1592: Echoes of Deception [Kaschovia; ed: Westinor]
#1593: Flap Over Flag Fashion [Lislandia; ed: Baggieland]
#1594: Bitter Bob the Builder [The Ice States; ed: Kaschovia]
#1595: Plausible Deniability [Caracasus; ed: Westinor]
#1596: The Blame Game [The Free Joy State; ed: Caracasus]
#1597: Haters Are Such a Drag [Falafelandia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1598: Weeping Widows [Jutsa; ed: Kaschovia]
#1599: Baby Blues [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1600: Mother's Ruin [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1601: At Death's Door [Sedgistan; ed: The Free Joy State]
#1602: @@NAME@@'s Bark Worse Than Its Byte? [Varanius; ed: Westinor]
#1603: Searching for That Special Someone [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Pogaria]
#1604: Prison of the Mind [Thal Dorthat; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1605: Hungry for Criticism [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1606: Book Off [The Free Joy State; ed: Pogaria]
#1607: My Chemical Romance [Millenhaal; ed: Pogaria]
#1608: G's Louise [Verdant Haven; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1609: One Big Watering Hole [Noahs Second Country; ed: Baggieland]
#1610: Keep Me Appraised? [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1611: Filial Fidelity [Verdant Haven; ed: Pogaria]
#1612: Immune Deficiencies [Cielearda; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1613: Incarceration Sensation [Pogaria; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]
#1614: Fauxthentic Food [Osheiga; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1615: Passports-4-Purchase [Ruotsaland; ed: Pogaria]
#1616: Beyond the Focal Point [West Barack and East Obama; ed: Kaschovia]
#1617: The Defenestration of Progg [Verdant Haven; ed: Baggieland]
#1618: Sextual Healing [Chan island; ed: SherpDaWerp]
#1619: Something Amiss in the @@ANIMAL@@ Mountains [Kaschovia; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1620: Ballooning Out of Proportions [Cha-os; ed: Kaschovia]
#1621: The Space Between [Luna Amore; ed: Westinor]
#1622: Border Burden [Ostrovskiy, Giovanniland; ed: Verdant Haven]
#1623: The @@MAN_1@@ in the Iron Lung [Jutsa; ed: Luna Amore]

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:44 am

#0: Should Democracy Be Compulsory?

The Issue
In response to a slow news week, certain highbrow newspapers have stirred up the debate over voluntary vs compulsory voting.

The Debate
1. "Compulsory voting makes about as much sense as having the death penalty for attempted suicide," says civil rights activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You can't force people to be free! You can only give them the choice. Besides, if all those derelicts who can't be bothered to get off their butts once every few years voted, who would they elect? I shudder to think."

2. "It's not contradictory at all," argues political commentator @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The fact is, if not everyone votes, the outcome isn't truly representative. Some groups--like elderly gun nuts--vote more often than others. That's why we always end up with such terrible politicians."

3. "This raises an interesting issue," says @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, your brother. "And that is: why do we need elections, anyway? Seems to me it would be much simpler if you just decided what was right, and did it. Wouldn't that save everyone a lot of time?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#1: Where's The Love Gone?

The Issue
Last night the respected tabloid TV show "60 Minutes" ran a report on @@NAME@@'s rising divorce rate. What is happening to the nuclear family?

The Debate
*1. "There's a simple solution," says Pastor Felix, of the Catholic Church. "Divorce should be illegal. 'For better or worse,' anyone remember how that goes? We should return to the good old days, when you got married for life and stuck by your partner no matter how much of a drunken, abusive, adulterating disappointment they turned out to be." [Must allow religion / Must not have Atheism]

*2. “There’s a simple solution,” says John Felix, of the Family Values Coalition. “Divorce should be illegal. ‘For better or worse,’ anyone remember how that goes? We should return to the good old days, when you got married for life and stuck by your partner no matter how much of a drunken, abusive, adulterating disappointment they turned out to be.” [Must not allow religion / Must have Atheism]

3. John Black, author of the hit book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Some Whole Other Place,' has a simpler solution. "If couples would just call each other 'darling' once in a while, there would be far fewer relationship breakdowns. A little affection is all it takes. So the government should make it mandatory: call your spouse 'darling' at least once a day, or face a fine."

**4. "There's a simple way to boost the marriage rate," says gay rights activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Abolish those archaic laws that discriminate against same-sex marriages. It's obscene to treat people differently because of their sexual preference. Besides, everyone knows gay relationships are more stable than straight ones." [Homosexual marriage is illegal]

**5. "There's a simple way to boost the marriage rate," says gay rights activist Frank Weber. "Abolish those archaic laws that discriminate against same-sex marriages. It's obscene to treat people differently because of their sexual orientation. Besides, everyone knows gay relationships are more stable than straight ones." [Policy TBD]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#2: Reclaim The Streets!

The Issue
Several major city streets were clogged with bicycles this morning, as the environmental group 'Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad' staged a protest. Several hundred riders ambled through downtown streets, blissfully ignoring the torrent of abuse hurled at them by thousands of motorists running late for work.

The Debate
1. "People are sick of dirty, smelly automobiles," says protest organizer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They're choking the city, the environment--our lives! Cars must be banned!"

2. "The only thing people are sick of is long-haired idiots riding their bicycles at two miles an hour on major thoroughfares," says committed motorist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "People shouldn't be able to protest like this. The government needs to crack down on them."

3. The Automotive Manufacturers Association, meanwhile, has called for government support. "It's clear that we need to boost the level of automobile support in this country. This protest this morning is a clear indication of... um... anyway, we need more government funds."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#3: Harry Potter Censorship Row

The Issue
The latest "Harry Potter" book to hit schools across @@NAME@@ has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

The Debate
*1. "I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says religious leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it." [Must not ban religions]

*2. "I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says nervous PTA member @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it." [Must ban religions]

**3. Teachers union President @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians." [Must not ban religions]

**4. Teachers union President @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from ignorant wackos, like their parents." [Must ban religions]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#4: Economic Collapse Looms!

The Issue
Big business, fed up with over-regulation in @@NAME@@, are heading offshore in ever-increasing numbers.

The Debate
1. "Good riddance!" says noted environmentalist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Sniff that air! It's never been so clean! At last, our society is freeing itself from the consumer death-trap! I say it's time to take the final step and outlaw capitalism once and for all!"

*2. "This is a catastrophe waiting to happen," says the Chamber of Commerce. "Think of the consequences! Without big business, where do the jobs come from? Where do we get our medicine? Our cars? Our latest fashions? There are dozens of useless regulations the government could abolish today to make life easier for commerce, and it's high time they did." [Must not ban cars]

*3. "This is a catastrophe waiting to happen," says the Chamber of Commerce. "Think of the consequences! Without big business, where do the jobs come from? Where do we get our medicine? Our electronics? Our latest fashions? There are dozens of useless regulations the government could abolish today to make life easier for commerce, and it's high time they did." [Must ban cars]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#5: Child Casino Shock

The Issue
Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of @@NAME@@'s seedier casinos.

The Debate
1. Social activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ is outraged. "Gambling needs to be outlawed immediately. It's no wonder children are becoming sucked into the vice, with adults setting such a poor example. Gambling is a stain on @@NAME@@'s international reputation and it must be stopped!"

2. However, Crown Casino chairperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says, "What's wrong with children gambling? It prepares them for the realities of life, teaching them that success or failure is not due to hard work or intelligence, but the roll of the dice. Besides, if kids weren't gambling, they'd be spraypainting trains."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#6: Appointment Of Spiritual Advisor

The Issue
It's time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:

The Debate
1. Staunch traditionalist religious leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased religious service attendances in @@HIS@@ constituencies through the "Reaching God Through Guilt" program. Seen as a solid choice.

2. New Age thinker @@RANDOM_NAME@@: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. "For me, it's not about the name of your religion. It's about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people."

3. Finally, there's @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign," the ex-schoolteacher has declared. "Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I'll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#7: Animal Liberation Front Strikes Again

The Issue
The increasingly militant Animal Liberation Front struck again last night, freeing dozens of chickens bound for delicious snack packs.

The Debate
1. "These nuts have got to be stopped," demands concerned consumer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They need to face the fact people want snack packs, no matter how many innocent chickens must be sacrificed. Besides, chickens would do the same to us if they had the chance."

2. "These Liberationists are highlighting an important issue," pleads @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Too often, animals are put through needless cruelty, just to make their flesh taste a little more deliciously succulent. I'm sure we could ban the more horrific abuses without putting too much of a dent in our national obesity figures. Couldn't we?"

3. "Animals have feelings too!" yelled protestor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, before being set upon by hungry passers-by. "Free the animals! Ban meat-eating!"

4. Economist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ has an alternative. "You don't need to take away the people's right to choose. You just need to build the costs of animal suffering into the price. A tax on meat-eating, in proportion to the amount of cruelty involved, would do the trick. Plus think of the benefit for the national coffers! Of course, poor people wouldn't be able to afford meat, but that's just more incentive for them to get jobs."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#8: Nudists Demand Time In Sun

The Issue
A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as "Let It All Hang Out" has called on the government to relax public nudity laws.

The Debate
1. "For too long, our bodies have been trapped in these prisons of cotton and polyester!" yelled protester @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while apparently developing a nasty case of sunburn. "We must repeal the puritanical laws that make public nudity a crime. My body--my choice to dangle!"

2. "I agree," mused sociology professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But I don't think the protestors are going far enough. Public nudity shouldn't be an option: it should be compulsory. Nudity is highly liberating. And it would put that disgusting "Hooters" out of business once and for all."

3. "Whoa, whoa," says noted accountant @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I'm out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#9: @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ On The Dinner Table?

The Issue
In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for @@NAME@@'s Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ could be added to the menu.

The Debate
1. "The fact is, the @@ANIMAL@@ population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have @@ANIMAL@@ kebabs, @@ANIMAL@@ pies, @@ANIMAL@@-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."

2. "I agree that something needs to be done about @@ANIMAL@@ over-population," says random passer-by @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."

3. "I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The @@ANIMAL@@ is part of what makes @@NAME@@ a great nation!"

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#10: Social Inequality Reaching Embarrassing Levels

The Issue
Commentators have warned that @@NAME@@'s social inequalities threaten to make it an international pariah.

The Debate
1. "Look, I don't like it either," said Chamber of Commerce spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Just on the way here, I had to step over three homeless people, and one of my shoes got caught on a beggar. But inequality is the price we pay for economic strength. If anything, we need fewer taxes, so those of us who are well-off can afford to be more generous. If we want to, that is."

2. "I think we've forgotten what economic strength is all about," says social worker @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The economy is meant to be a means to a high standard of living, not an end in itself. It's become an excuse for the rich to prosper while the poor fall through the cracks. Not everyone is poor because they don't feel like working. We must provide more welfare."

3. "Who says we're an international pariah?" demands military honcho @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "What are their names? If that's the way the international community feels, we obviously need to prepare for war."

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#11: People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, If That's All Right

The Issue
While effusively praising @@NAME@@'s leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more "modernistic" view in the future.

The Debate
1. The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim. "What these people fail to realize is that you know what's best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason."

2. "Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms," muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister. "Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn't just full of your puppets, I mean."

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#12: Death Penalty On Agenda

The Issue
Following a tragic double-murder, capital punishment has surged as an election issue. There now appears a real possibility that right-wing candidate @@RANDOM_NAME@@, running on a "Do the Crime, pay the Penalty" platform, will gain power. While society's intelligentsia is outraged, debate rages as to whether the government should intervene.

The Debate
1. "This is a democracy, remember?" rhetorically questions Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the University of Greater @@NAME@@. "That means that if the people want something, the people get it. I hate to say it, but in the name of political freedom, we need to accept that our country will have the death penalty."

2. "I'm sorry," says Civil Rights Unionist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "but this travesty cannot be allowed to pass. If the government needs to crack down on lunatic fringe groups in order to keep our great nation free of the death penalty, then so be it. We must ban the politics of hatred and fear!"

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#13: Too Much Yakking, Already, Say Delegation

The Issue
Some people say @@NAME@@'s policy on free speech has gone too far.

The Debate
1. "These days, anyone says whatever they want with no regard to what kind of dribble is coming out of their mouths!" says angry commuter @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "It's gone too far. We should go back to the good old days, when if someone started talking garbage, we'd smack them one."

2. "We need more free speech, not less," argues civil rights campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Free speech allows ideas to be explored, challenged, and discussed in a productive, open forum. It teaches our kids to be critical thinkers. And dirty words, of course, but that's just the price you pay."

[3]. "The right to free speech is a central tenet of our system of democracy," says religious leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But surely the right to not have your religious beliefs mocked by others is worth something, too? We mustn't put up with intolerance!" [Must not have Atheism?]

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#14: Military Demands Increased Spending

The Issue
The Department of Defense has put its case for a substantial increase in funding for the coming financial year.

The Debate
1. "These are turbulent times we live in," says Defense Chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can't promise that we'll be able to defend @@NAME@@'s sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter."

2. "NO MORE BOMBS," chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@, speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, "@@NAME@@ needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!"

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#15: More Police Needed

The Issue
As crime rates rise, some in the community are calling for increased policing.

The Debate
1. "Just the other day, I got mugged in the broad daylight!" says ruffian @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "And the ironic thing is I had just stuck up this other guy. When muggers are getting mugged, even I have to admit that crime has gotten out of control. We do need more police."

2. "The solution to crime is not more police!" says noted sociologist and occasional crime novelist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Studies repeatedly show that crime is caused by poverty and poor education. Increase government spending in these areas, and crime will fall! Maybe not overnight, but it will happen."

3. "Yeah, good luck with that," says conservative leader and gun enthusiast @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Look, we do need more police, that's clear. But that's not enough. We need real punishments: sentences that will act as a genuine deterrent to people considering a life of crime. Like public floggings."

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#16: @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ Workers Strike!

The Issue
Workers across the nation have gone out on indefinite strike over what they claim are substandard wages in the @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ industry.

The Debate
1. "We are the backbone of this country, and we demand a fair wage rise!" says union leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I don't think a 20% increase over two years is too much to ask. Unless the government forces employers to give us our due, we'll shut this whole industry down! Let's see how well @@NAME@@'s economy manages without any @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@, huh?"

2. "We pay our employees very generous wages," says employer representative @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Especially when you consider that without us, they'd be OUT ON THE STREET. Hear that, you scumbags? OUT ON THE STREET! Anyway, my point is, if you cave in, you make our entire industry uncompetitive. You can't do that in the global marketplace. It'll hurt the whole country. The best solution, economically speaking, would be to relax industrial laws and allow us to fire troublemakers on the spot."

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#17: Corporations Demand Political Say

The Issue
A well-heeled lobby group is pushing for the elimination of regulations that prevent corporations from donating money to political parties.

The Debate
1. "This is supposed to be a democratic country," @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ industry spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says. "Yet these archaic laws say I can't donate money to support a political party. They put ceilings on the amount any party can spend on advertising. It's time to stop treating voters like children, and trust them to make up their own minds. Free the ballot box!"

2. "You say political freedom, I hear vote-buying," says popular anarchist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If these fat cats get their way, politicians will buy their own seat in Congress. And let's face it, a slick advertising campaign can convince a lot of apathetic voters. We need to tighten the laws, not repeal them. Money should have no place in politics!"

3. "Frankly, I don't see why we need to have elections at all," says your brother, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, over a late-night malt whiskey. "You always seem to know what's best. Why not scrap the whole political system? It would make things so much simpler."

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#18: Citizens Struggle Under "Unfair" Tax Burden

The Issue
A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

The Debate
1. "Do you know how much of my year's work goes to the government?" demanded angry worker @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs."

2. "It's not the AMOUNT of tax, it's where the burden falls," says student activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don't think I need to say anything more than that."

3. "I don't object to the amount of tax, I object to where it's being spent," says social reformer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I'd like to see everyone have a choice as to where their @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you'd see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business."

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#19: @@NAME@@ Awash With Red-Rimmed Eyes

The Issue
National marijuana consumption has hit an all-time high, with alarming results, a new poll has found.

The Debate
1. "My factory's productivity is down ten percent since marijuana was decriminalized," complains employer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "And the number of thefts from the candy machine is off the scale. This so-called 'pot' needs to be banned in all public places. Let the junkies do what they want at home, but not in my workplace."

2. "Whoa, dude, no need to get, like, you know," says Free Your Mind campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@, from his parents' basement. "This is, like, a personal choice issue, you know. It's like... whoa, just back off what I want to do with my own body. Don't let the fascists win, man. There are some hot new eckies coming in soon, they should be legal too."

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#20: Gunman Kills Three [Maxtopia; ed:Luna Amore]

The Issue
Tragedy struck @@NAME@@ today, as a gunman killed three people in a suburban shooting rampage. The community is united in grief, but divided in opinion as to what should be done.

The Debate
1. The strongest voices demand tighter gun controls. "The only way to prevent further atrocities is to take the guns out of the hands of the murderers," says anti-gun campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "There's no justification for them in today's society. We need tighter regulations on who can hold guns, so only our police and military have them."

2. "That's not all we need," says radical left-wing activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The government should ban all guns outright--even in the police force. This is an opportunity to make @@NAME@@ a totally gun-free state."

3. "Ban this. Ban that. You cannot ban your way to an answer," intones Spruce Tree, a local martial artist and founder of Ay Kik Yu. "Our citizenry and our children must learn to properly defend themselves in this sort of situation if it should arise again. A mindful populace is a safe populace."

4. "Guns don't kill people, people kill people," says @@NAME@@ Handgun Association head honcho @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Is that what we want? Think, people. The answer isn't kung-fu and it definitely isn't banning guns. What you need to do is encourage us law-abiding folk to always carry a gun. Shoot first, ask questions later. That's what I always say."

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#21: Police Consider "Big Brother" Anti-Crime System

The Issue
The Police department is considering installing surveillance cameras in all major public areas, in an effort to crack down on crime.

The Debate
1. "This is a blatant invasion of the right to privacy!" says libertarian web site operator @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Now I can't even go out in public any more without being watched? And you know this is just the beginning. Today there are cameras in city streets. Tomorrow they're peering through your bedroom window."

2. "Hey, I've got news for you," says Police media liaison @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "When you're out in public, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU. These cameras will be extremely helpful in reducing the national crime rate. Frankly, I can't see what the fuss is about."

3. "This 'slippery slope' argument has got me thinking," says Police Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You know, it would be a lot easier to fight crime if we watched people all the time. Not with cameras, of course. That's clearly an invasion of privacy. But how about a national database of our citizens, coupled with compulsory ID cards and barcoding? It would stop crime dead in its tracks."

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#22: Nazi Sympathizers Plan Rally

The Issue
Far-right-wing Nazi supporters plan to stage a rally in the city center tomorrow, giving voice to their violent, racist views.

The Debate
1. "Frankly, I'm appalled that the government can even consider allowing this travesty to go ahead," says prominent Jewish personality @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We can't let these animals broadcast their message of hate. Surely @@NAME@@ is too civilized for that."

2. "It's exactly because we're civilized that we must let the demonstration proceed," says free speech campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We may not like what they have to say, but in this society, people have the right to argue whatever political view they want, no matter how hateful, selfish, or stupid it is."

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#23: Uranium Deposit Promises To Enrich @@NAME@@

The Issue
Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in @@NAME@@'s south-west.

The Debate
*1. "This is a terrific find!" claims Nukes4U CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It's win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that's on top of the deposit." [Must have private industry]

*2. "This is a terrific find!" claims Nukes4U CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Look, we know that as a private company we weren't really meant to be prospecting in communist @@NAME@@, but this could provide an enormous stimulus to your economy and create thousands of new jobs! It's win-win! Perhaps we could mine on behalf of the state, under a public service contract? All we need from you is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that's on top of the deposit." [Must not have private industry]

**3. "You've got to be kidding," says Green politician @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs--well, that really sticks in my craw." [Must not have Autocracy]

**4. "You've got to be kidding," says green pamphleteer Lee Gonzalez. "This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs—well, that really sticks in my craw." [Must have Autocracy]

5. "There's no need for an either-or decision," says the government's Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. "We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to @@NAME@@."

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#24: Budget Time: Accountants Excited

The Issue
It's time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.

The Debate
1. "The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful," says Teachers Union leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future."

2. "We won't have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military," says General @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Oh, it's all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don't pretend like there aren't any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security."

3. "Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important," says celebrity social worker @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don't help them, what kind of a nation are we?"

4. "Hey, I've got a crazy idea," says noted libertarian and bird-watcher @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we'll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!"

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#25: Cloning Research Promises New Breakthrough

The Issue
Scientists using cloned human embryos for research are on the verge of a medical breakthrough.

The Debate
1. "It's really very exciting," says lab head @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Until now, we've kept very quiet, to avoid being targeted by lunatic fringe groups who for some reason think it's wrong to clone human embryos. It's too early to promise anything, but we hope that one day we will have genetic cures for a whole range of debilitating illnesses. I certainly hope the government will support our work."

2. "Well, if you have to be part of a lunatic fringe group to object to this barbaric practice, I'm a lunatic," says placard-waving protestor @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Of course it would be nice to cure these unnamed diseases, but at what cost? They're messing with the sanctity of human life. It's wrong, and the lab should be shut down immediately."

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:44 am

#26: Compulsory Organ Harvesting Proposed

The Issue
A group of emergency room doctors has petitioned the government to introduce mandatory organ donations.

The Debate
1. "It's not as crazy as it sounds," says Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Every day, people die because we don't have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system. But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it's not like dead people need them."

2. "You keep your damn hands off my organs!" says alarmed hospital patient @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They are my organs, and I'll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body."

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#27: Cash for Colons?

The Issue
Hospitals have requested that they be allowed to pay people for donating blood and other bodily organs, such as kidneys.

The Debate
1. "We remain critically short of blood plasma and various organs," says @@NAME@@ One hospital administrator @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Especially hearts. A good heart is hard to find. But if we were allowed to pay for donations, we'd get more of them and could save more lives. Plus the donor takes home a few hundred @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in compensation. Unless it's a post-mortem donation, of course. In that case we'd pay the family."

2. "Great idea," says social commentator @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Except for one thing. You know who's going to be selling their organs? Poor people! They'll be so desperate for money that they'll sell their own kidneys. Well, a kidney. This is just another way for the rich to buy themselves a better life at the expense of the poor. It must be outlawed."

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#28: Cancer Sufferer Demands Euthanasia Bill

The Issue
Dorothy Terwilliger lies immobilized in a hospital bed, unable to move. She has end-stage cancer, and wishes to end her struggle against death. However, laws prevent her doctors from obeying her wishes.

The Debate
1. Dorothy and her family are campaigning for a "Dying with Dignity" bill, to change this situation. She implores the government to legalize euthanasia.

2. "I understand this is a very difficult time for these people," says freelance medical writer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But the solution is not to let our medical system slide down the slippery slope of killing people in pain. We must cure, not kill. This is not the right time for euthanasia."

[3]. "I agree, but go further: there is never a right time for euthanasia," says Bishop @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The lives we lead are given to us by the grace of God, and he decides when they end. It is not for us to question God's divine purpose, no matter how odd or screwed-up it may seem." [Must not have Atheism]

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#29: Minorities Demand Representation In TV Soaps

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s TV soaps--famous around the region--have come under fire for their lack of ethnic diversity.

The Debate
1. "Every night my family and I sit down to watch 'The Brash and the Backstabbing'," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But where are the Lilliputians like myself? Where are the Bigtopians? The Marche Noirians? People from those cultures can be just as brash and backstabbing, but we never see them on the screen. The government must act to remove this silent apartheid from our TV screens."

2. "Those Lilliputians don't know how good they have it," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, spokesperson for the Tasmanians Against Ethnic Stereotyping. "Tasmanians are on television all the time, but always in crude, stereotypical roles. The answer is not to enforce ethnic quotas, but to award government prizes for the positive portrayal of minorities. That'll work better, and be cheaper, too."

3. "The government should do what now?" says TV studio executive @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You've got to be kidding. We make soaps here, not documentaries. I should be able to put whichever characters I want into my shows. Quotas! Government prizes! God save me! Hasn't the government got anything better to do? Why don't they just back off and let society work out these things on its own?"

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#30: Auto Industry Struggles Against Foreign Imports

The Issue
Cheap, foreign-made cars are becoming increasingly popular, causing concern in @@NAME@@'s automobile manufacturing industry.

The Debate
1. "Unless this government does something, @@NAME@@ won't have an auto industry for much longer," says auto industry union boss @@RANDOM_NAME@@, in a rare public appearance alongside management. "These foreign companies employ people for a few @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ a day. The only way to level the playing field is to raise tariffs. The government would make more money, too, so it's win-win."

[2]. "For once, I agree with my grubby colleague here," says General Chassis CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Although I have to say, tariffs aren't the only answer. A more effective solution would be to abolish minimum wage laws. Now that would level the playing field. And we'd be able to employ more--argh, let go of my throat!" [Must have minimum wage]

3. "I think we need to face facts," says noted economist and chat-show regular @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We live in a global economy now, and automobile manufacturing just isn't @@NAME@@'s strong suit. There's no point taking money from taxpayers in order to line the pockets of a few greedy workers and corrupt managers in a doomed industry. Let the market take its--argh, let go of my throat!"

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#31: Get Efficient, Private Sector Tells Nature [MantiCorp GroundForces]

The Issue
A group of prominent business identities has proposed privatizing @@NAME@@'s beaches.

The Debate
*1. "Have you been to the beach lately? It's disgusting," says company spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "There's litter, there's teenagers smoking, and there are people enjoying themselves without paying for it. Let the private sector in on this, and @@NAME@@'s beaches will be the talk of the region! And a nice little earner, too." [Must have private industry]

*2. "Look, I know your nation doesn't much like capitalists, but have you been to the beach lately? It's disgusting," says company spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "There's litter, there's teenagers smoking, and there are people enjoying themselves without paying for it. Let the private sector in on this, and @@NAME@@'s beaches will be the talk of the region! Yes, it means ending communism, but isn't this the noblest of reasons to do so?" [Must not have private industry]

3. "Whoa, whoa, we're privatizing beaches now?" says local campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These are public spaces! All @@NAME@@'s citizens have a right to enjoy them, not just the well-off. Yes, we should improve the quality of our beaches, but handing them over to the money-grabbers is not the right way to do it. The right way to do it is to boost government spending by increasing taxes."

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#32: One Wife Is Never Enough, Say Polygamists [Fantasan]

The Issue
A small religious group is lobbying the government to allow them to take multiple wives.

The Debate
1. "It's about time we had our religious rights recognized," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a devout member of a faith that is never made quite clear. "Who is the government to tell me I can't love more than one woman? The government doesn't know how much of me there is to go around!"

*2. "This is nothing more than sexual deviants using religion as a pretext for perversion!" says Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Marriage is one man, one woman, and death do we part. What's so hard to get? Anything else is a perversion, and must be banned."

**3. "This is nothing more than sexual deviants using religion as a pretext for perversion!" says moral crusader Florin Armstrong. "Marriage is one man, one woman, and death do we part. What's so hard to get? Anything else is a perversion, and must be banned."

**4. "Multiple wives? Excellent!" says passer-by @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Presumably we will allow multiple husbands, as well. In fact, now is probably the time for the government to butt out of marriage altogether. Let people marry their cats, if they want." [Must have Marriage Equality]

**5. "Multiple wives? Excellent!" says passer-by @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Presumably we will allow multiple husbands, as well. And gay marriages, of course. In fact, now is probably the time for the government to butt out of marriage altogether. Let people marry their cats, if they want." [Must not have Marriage Equality, Must have Heterosexuality?]

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#33: Genetics Brings New Life to Extinct Species [Badger Lozzate]

The Issue
Scientists have announced they are close to a breakthrough in their quest to revive the feather-bellied @@ANIMAL@@, a species related to @@NAME@@'s national animal that has been extinct for more than a century.

The Debate
1. "I, for one, applaud their work," says scientist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "And not just because I'm the project leader. This is an example of how @@NAME@@'s brains can mix it with the world's best. Can you imagine how wonderful it will be to have feather-bellied @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ frolicking in the meadows again? I say full steam ahead, and more government funding!"

*2. "This is a sacrilege!", says religious leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These animals are extinct because God wants them dead. Cloning them would merely incur his wrath! If we proceed down this path, it'll be humans, not the feather-bellied @@ANIMAL@@, who will be extinct." Must not ban religions

*3. "This is absurd!" says avowed fatalist Cato Yeats. "These animals are extinct because evolution selected against them. Cloning them would merely be fighting the inevitable! If we proceed down this path, it'll be humans, not the feather-bellied @@ANIMAL@@, who will be extinct." Must ban religions

4. "Now, come on," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, well-known philosopher. "You don't need to be religious to be unnerved by the top of this particular slippery slope. Today it's @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@, tomorrow it's dinosaurs, and we all know how that turns out. This research shouldn't be banned, but there must be strict government controls over its use."

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#34: Don't Puff On Me, Say Non-Smokers [Sirocco]

The Issue
There is a growing call within @@NAME@@ to abolish smoking in public areas.

The Debate
1. "I'm in full support of this motion," says man on the street @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I'm sick of being stuck behind smokers, sucking in their pollution! They can light up in the privacy of their own homes, if they want."

2. "What's so special about their homes?" says anti-smoking campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The government has a responsibility to stop people from hurting themselves -- it's the same reason we should make them wear seat belts in cars. Sooner or later, they end up in one of @@NAME@@'s hospitals, sucking on taxpayer-funded healthcare. Not that that's why we should ban smoking. We should ban it because we care."

3. "Get your hands off my fag!" wheezes long-time smoker @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I've been smoking for fifty years and it's never done me any harm. Helps me concentrate, it does! The government should back off on trying to tell me what I can put into my own body. Telling a smoker he can't light up in a restaurant is discrimination, pure and simple. If you want to put a stop to unfairness, stop that."

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#35: Refugees Want To Call @@NAME@@ Home [The True Scroat]

The Issue
After several bloody conflicts in nearby regions, a stream of asylum-seekers and refugees has been spotted heading for @@NAME@@'s shores.

The Debate
1. "Some of these people have endured terrible hardships to reach our borders," says International Red Cross spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We must welcome these unfortunates with open arms. Let the world see that @@NAME@@ does not turn its back on those in need!"

2. "These grasping freeloaders will swamp our culture and traditions!" argues talk-radio host @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "First they want welfare, next thing you know they're taking our jobs -- and you know they won't bother to learn our language. I say charity begins at home -- and this isn't their home. This is the world's problem, not ours."

3. Economics Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ offers an alternative. "There is no question that we have to help those who reach out to us in their darkest hour. But on the other hand, we cannot help everybody. So let's just take the ones who are willing to keep our streets clean and our drains flowing in return for a subsistence wage."

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#36: International Community Comes Doorknocking [Guadalcanal]

The Issue
The international community has appealed to @@NAME@@ to increase humanitarian aid to the world's poorer nations.

The Debate
1. "We must increase foreign aid," says beaded local peace activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Compared to some of these nations, @@NAME@@ is swimming in @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@. Let's face it, not every nation in the world is lucky enough to have a government like ours. Let's show some compassion to our less economically gifted neighbors."

*2. "Talk about a way to flush @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ straight down the toilet," argues Think Tank member @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "What I've noticed is that whenever we do give something, it's never enough: a few years later they're back asking for more. The best way to help these poor nations is to stop shielding them from the logical consequences of their idiotic, long-debunked socialist economic policies." [Must have private industry]

*3. "Talk about a way to flush @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ straight down the toilet," argues Think Tank member @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "What I've noticed is that whenever we do give something, it's never enough: a few years later they're back asking for more. The best way to help these poor nations is to stop shielding them from the logical consequences of their idiotic, unstable capitalist boom-bust economic cycles." [Must not have private industry]

4. "Relief wouldn't hurt us... if we 'relieved' the right countries," suggests government advisor @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We give them a little humanitarian aid, they give us access to their @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ markets... it's win-win. Nothing wrong with a little quid pro quo, especially for a good cause."

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#37: Traffic Cops Needed on Information Superhighway? [Snowcat]

The Issue
Certain shadowy ministerial figures have proposed government monitoring of individual internet usage.

The Debate
1. "In these days of terror and uncertainty, it's exactly what we need," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, signing an arrest warrant. "Every pervert, terrorist, bomb-building maniac and anti-government idiot is currently online. I'm not saying that we should block citizens from seeing it, but let's also watch who's seeking it out. This will give our law enforcement officers the chance to prevent crimes before they happen. If you've done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to hide."

2. "Well, I AM saying we should block out that filth," says a man in a dark hat, stepping from the shadows. "If people want to use the internet, they can view our government-approved sites. Those are swell."

3. Privacy activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ is outraged, as usual. "Tyranny is the natural result of limiting information! Someone, somewhere, will always find something offensive -- mimes for example. Those scare the hell out of me. But should we ban them? No! Free the internet! We have nothing to fear from free information but pop-up advertising!"

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#38: @@NAME@@ Looks to the Stars [Sentient Peoples]

The Issue
The recent popularity of a science-fiction TV show has prompted calls for @@NAME@@ to develop its own space program.

The Debate
1. "Don't tell me space colonies wouldn't be cool," says excited fifth-grade teacher @@RANDOM_NAME@@, still wearing big Spock ears from his last convention. "Think of how they would galvanize the national population! And there would also be some kind of scientific benefit, probably."

[2]. "The project certainly is feasible, but very expensive," says @@DEMONYM_NOUN@@ Space Agency Head @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We could make it less of a burden on the taxpayers if we sought funding from private industry -- advertisements on the side of our rockets, selling contracts to the Arms Manufacturing industry, that kind of thing." [Must have private industry]

*3. "If God had meant Man to fly, he would have given us solid rocket boosters instead of legs," says religious type @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We should not be looking to the stars, but rather inside our own hearts. That's why we should abandon this so-called space program, and instead make the teaching of religion mandatory in all schools." [Must not be atheist]

*4. "If man were meant to fly, we would have evolved solid rocket boosters instead of legs," says dubiously-trained biologist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We should not be looking to the stars, but rather inside our own hearts. That's why we should abandon this so-called space program, and instead make the teaching of humanist values mandatory in all schools." [Must be atheist]

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#39: Scandal Rocks @@NAME@@'s Government! [The SLAGLands; ed: The SLAGLands]

The Issue
A tabloid magazine, The National Incriminator, has revealed the sordid details of an affair between one of your top advisors, Robert Lotsalovin, and his secretary.

The Debate
1. "They found out I did WHAT?!" Advisor Lotsalovin says in his morning meeting in your office. "This just can't happen! How can government officials do their jobs properly if we have to work under the constant scrutiny of these idiotic supermarket tabloids? I say tabloid newspapers must be banned, and we must not allow newspapers to speak ill of our government officials... for the good of @@NAME@@, of course..."

*2. "Unbelievable!" says Reverend @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ of the local Catholic church. "Our government officials must be held to a higher standard than this! Mr. Lotsalovin must be removed from office and prosecuted. We cannot allow such disgusting corruption within the halls of justice!" [Must not be atheist]

*3. "Unbelievable!" says moralist @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ of the local Ethics Committee. "Our government officials must be held to a higher standard than this! Mr. Lotsalovin must be removed from office and prosecuted. We cannot allow such disgusting corruption within the halls of justice!" [Must be atheist]

4. "Whoa, whoa, hey, now..." argues Senator @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "What happened to Mr. Lotsalovin is no different than affairs that happen all over @@NAME@@ every day! Before you know it, they'll be after YOUR sexual history! I think what we need to do is take the public attention off of it somehow, perhaps by... oh, I don't know... giving them a tax cut! That'll divert their attention from this momentary distraction just long enough for Mr. Lotsalovin's divorce process to end!"

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#40: Hukd on Fonix Workd 4 Me! [Bostion; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
@@NAME@@ has a serious problem with poor literacy rates among 12-18 year olds, which many parents and teachers blame on the current state of the education system and lack of government funding.

The Debate
1. Boot Camp instructor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ stated his opinion: "Who gives a damn? Makes 'em easier to turn into brainwashed grunts anyhow! You don't need to be able to read in order to fire a gun! What we need to do is focus on our military spending - what does it matter if you can read or not when you're overrun by warmongering barbarians?"

2. On the other side, there's @@NAME@@'s Education Administrator. "This is shocking news. If the children of tomorrow cannot read, then what? Next thing you know, we'll be speaking with contractions! The government must devote more efforts to education! Where will we be twenty years from now with an overflow of unskilled labor?"

*3. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, principal of a highly-rated private school, prefers a different approach. "Instead of that, why not issue government vouchers so that parents can afford to send their children to privately run schools? We offer a far better education than the public schools. All we do is grind our particular religious views into our students!" [Must have private industry AND Must not ban religion]

*4. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, principal of a highly-rated private school, prefers a different approach. "Instead of that, why not issue government vouchers so that parents can afford to send their children to privately run schools? We offer a far better education than the public schools. All we do is grind our particular philosophy into our students!" [Must have private industry AND Must ban religion]

*5. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, principal of a highly-rated private school in the United Federation, suggests a different approach. "Instead of that, why not issue government subsidies to help parents afford to send their children overseas, to privately run schools outside of @@NAME@@? We offer a far better education than the communist schools of your nation. Sure, they might pick up a few ideological tendencies, but I reckon that'll be good for your economy in the long run." [Must not have private industry]

5. "Who needs some fancy-shmancy cash-draining school system, anyway?" @@RANDOM_NAME@@ declares from the front steps of his double-wide mobile home, shotgun in hand. "My Pa raised me and my eight brothers and three sisters without no waste of time schoolin'! My Pa taught me everythin' I need t'know, let all these whippersnappers' Mas and Pas teach 'em what they need t'know!"

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#41: Software Giant Stomps on Competition [1 Infinite Loop; ed: The SLAGLands]

The Issue
The CEO of @@NAME@@ software, hardware, and electronic headwear giant Microcosm, Inc. has been brought before the Supreme Court for violation of antitrust laws.

The Debate
1. "These allegations are absolutely ludicrous!" shouts Microcosm CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from out the window of a 90-foot stretch limo. "Just because rival companies are incapable of producing products as brilliant as mine is no reason to punish ME! I say it's high time we abolish these idiotic antitrust laws and give big business the freedom to serve the public better. After all, I'm in this business for the people!"

2. "Microcosm must be shut down immediately," argues CEO of Computers, Computers, Computers! @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from out the window of a clunky, exhaust-choked used car. "I can't get a foothold to compete in the market because those bigwigs in Microcosm have that foothold by the throat! It's high time the government stepped in and helped out the little man, and the best way to do that is to shut down the big, oppressive, corporate gurus in Microcosm and beyond."

3. "Verily, I say unto thee, none of this would have happened wouldst thou not have stopped the problem before thou didst start it," argues Brother @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Amish community from out the window of his horse-drawn carriage. "We must doest as the Lord commandeth and abolishest the evils of computers and the Internet entirely. Only whenst we harken unto the Lord's commandments mayeth we truly be spiritually blessed."

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#42: Turn Down That Racket, Say Morality Police [The Prelapsarian State; ed: The SLAGLands]

The Issue
A group of concerned parishioners and soccer moms has petitioned the government of @@NAME@@ to outlaw heavy metal music, which they fear is a bad influence on youngsters.

The Debate
1. "Heavy metal music is a plague in our good nation and its God-fearing people!" argues local priest and easy listening advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Just the other day, I heard a song by some group called Hell's Irate Puppies with a sinful quantity of bass and drum... oh, and there were probably some lines about killing parents, too, I'd imagine! It's vital that we ban this music, and remove this terrible influence from our children's lives! Think of the children!"

2. "Whoa, man... what's with the, like, censorship and stuff?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, scruffy-haired bassist of the popular speed metal band The Destroyinators. "You can't, like, censor the music, man. That's how we express ourselves! Every bass beat is me baring my soul! Every howl is me complainin' about how my parents tried to kick me out of their basement! Besides, what's wrong with Satan? He's just misunderstood anyway. I say promote the arts, man!"

3. "You know, this heavy metal issue has me thinking," says @@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME@@, your brother, over your weekly game of cribbage. "If these long-haired freaks want to put out their devil-worshipping metal, why don't we let them? Of course, we'll put a little subliminal propaganda into every song... after all, don't these guys owe their freedom of expression to you?"

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#43: Prisoners Demand Elbow Room [Lucazmodei; ed: The SLAGLands]

The Issue
In a display of unity that can best be described as "highly unnerving," criminals and law enforcement officials alike are up in arms about recent overcrowding within prisons in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "I tell ya, chief... this ain't good," mutters local police chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@ over a morning cup of coffee. "I see these no-good mohawk-wearin' punks every day, and they're a dangerous bunch. They gotta be locked in their mudholes forever! If we can't afford to keep 'em in prison, I say we need more money! Let's just casually shift some funding from elsewhere; after all, it ain't like our welfare program is helping keep these kids away from crime."

2. "How can these wayward individuals find their inner selves by staring at the walls within a stone cell?" challenges human rights activist and local prison license plate maker @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The nation's budget is absolute proof: we cannot afford prisons... strictly because of their immorality! Let these caged birds breathe the sweet air of freedom again! Shut down all prisons in @@NAME@@!"

*3. "Now hold on just a second here," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of @@NAME@@'s most widely-known pizza delivery chain, Papa Pallocci's Pizza Pagoda. "You've got a problem with prisoners, and I've got a problem finding employees. Why don't you just send some of your criminals to Papa Pallocci's? We'll put 'em to work at lower pay as punishment for their crimes! I win, you win... the economy wins!" [Must have private industry]

*4. "Now hold on just a second here," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, State Director of The @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ People's Proletariat Pizza Production Plant. "You've got a problem with prisoners, and I've got a problem finding workers. Why don't you just send some of your criminals to make some dough? We'll put 'em to work as their debt to society is cleared! After all, free citizens must work according to the state's planned economy, so why should prisoners be excepted from this?" [Must not have private industry]

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#44: No Pain, No Gain! [Independent Planets; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in @@NAME@@, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.

The Debate
1. "Torture is the only way that we can get these idiots to tell us anything," says General @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of @@NAME@@'s special forces division. "After all, violence is the only shared language we have with these scum."

2. "Are you kidding?" states political activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Torture never works. If anything, it should be outlawed. What do we want to become, genocidal maniacs?

3. "There's nothing wrong with torture, but we can't make it too obvious," says Secretary of Defense @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "How about we simply ask them nicely, and then, if they don't tell us, we kill them? That's better just from the intimidation."

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#45: Baseball League Steps Up To The Plate [Pilot; ed: The SLAGLands]

The Issue
The Batter Up! Baseball League has begun to grow in popularity and is now seeking government support in establishing teams and stadiums throughout the nation.

The Debate
1. "Holy cow, is this gonna be great!" hollers BUBL President and sports nut @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing a fashionable giant foam finger on his right hand. "Baseball is just what @@NAME@@ needs right now! Think about it: soda, popcorn, hot dogs... oh, and I'm sure the economy will benefit somehow, too! All we need is the government funding to build stadiums and teams, and we'll be on every TV and in every city in the country!"

2. "You're going to spend the taxpayer's money on WHAT?" counters Minister of Finance @@RANDOM_NAME@@, from a newly furnished office. "I mean, I love playing a good game of baseball every now and then, but does the government really need to go around supporting this? The only people that are going to benefit are a bunch of fat-cat burger vendors and bored hicks with nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon! We need to stop spending so much money on these ridiculous games and get back to what's really important: running the business of the country."

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#46: Jennifer Government Censorship Row [Sirocco; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
A new book, Jennifer Government, by Max Barry, has been causing quite a stir in governmental offices across @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "At first I liked the book," says famous politician @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "but then it clearly turned out to be just a mockery of our government! This is brainwashing our citizens into thinking that they're being governed badly. I suggest we hang, draw and quarter the author of this book and take satires off the shelves!"

2. "Don't be silly" says book reviewer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "it's a great book and you don't necessarily have to take the views inside seriously! If anything, there should be more satires. Maybe then we'll get the right people in charge of this messed-up country!"

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#47: The Great Wall of @@NAME@@? [1 Infinite Loop; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Due to the ongoing wars in neighboring countries, a recent rash of illegal immigrants have been caught at the borders of @@NAME@@, prompting many citizens to call for tighter immigration laws.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ National Purity League says "These illegal aliens are just an eyesore with their strange customs and funny languages. Uneducated immigrants like these only worsen crime and steal valuable jobs! I say we should boot them all out on their ears and put a big fence around the country!"

2. @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Civil Liberties Union says "We must welcome these refugees from any nation into our open arms, they are fleeing one oppressive dictatorial regime in the only way they know, we must not let them think they're jumping from the frying pan into the fire!"

3. "Hold on there, hold on people!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Broadcasting company, "We don't have to take either extreme, all we have to do is make a TV game show out of it! We put deadly obstacles on the border and monitor it with television cameras! Those that make it across win freedom and citizenship, and those who don't, well, lets just say that our buzzards won't starve. We could call it 'Who Wants to be an Immigrant?'!"

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#48: Give Us Healthcare Or Give Us Death! [Dictator Amanda; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
A large group of @@NAME@@'s uninsured citizens have petitioned the government to provide a universal healthcare system, citing the poor health of many low and middle-class workers. Some of the more vocal of them are threatening violence if something isn't done.

The Debate
*1. "A universal healthcare system would provide everyone with the same quality healthcare the more wealthy and well-insured currently receive," says recently laid-off citizen and civil rights activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Sure, taxes would probably have to increase a bit. But isn't it worth it to provide our lower-class citizens with the same opportunities the upper-class citizens have?" [Must have private industry]

**2. "Are you all INSANE? This will ruin the health insurance business and drive up unemployment rates," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the largest insurance provider in @@NAME@@. "If everyone working for their health insurance could suddenly get it free, there would be fewer jobs filled. It would get worse for everyone involved. The government should investigate the motives of these troublemaking 'protestors', instead!" [Must have private industry]

***3. "Why do we have to choose either radical option?" says your Secretary of Health, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Couldn't we just provide limited basic healthcare for our citizens and have major operations covered by private health insurance? It would be more affordable and the poor would suffer less than they do under the current system." [Must have private industry]

*4. "A universal healthcare system is a core tenet of socialist society," says Communist Party ideologue @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Sure, taxes would probably have to increase a bit. But isn't it worth it to provide our noble workers with good healthcare, free at the point of delivery?" [Must not have private industry]

**5. "Are you all INSANE? This will drain the coffers of the State!" argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, of the @@NAME@@ Funds Disbursement Council. "If the wealth of the people is wasted on a bloated and inefficient health service, the nation will be detrimented. The government should investigate the motives of these troublemaking 'protesters', instead!" [Must not have private industry]

***6. "Why do we have to choose either radical option?" asks Senior Party Representative @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Couldn't we just provide very limited basic healthcare for the majority of our citizens and have more comprehensive care as a perk from advancing within the Communist Party hierarchy? It would be more affordable, and all would aspire to better themselves." [Must not have private industry]

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#49: Diving For @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ [Nogero; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Divers from a local scuba club have discovered an enormous underwater gold deposit that could be worth billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in one of @@NAME@@'s lakes. It has also caused a huge debate over who should be allowed to plunder the goods.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a cabinet member, would like the government to seize the deposit. "This is an excellent time to boost @@NAME@@'s economy and increase our foreign trade with other countries! Who cares about the people that discovered the deposit? They've done their country a great favor and should let us have the money!"

2. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a civil rights activist, vehemently disagrees. "The deposit was found by private citizens and it should be their choice of what to do with the gold. If the government goes around stealing what is rightfully ours, then I shudder to think I live in such a corrupt country. These people discovered the gold, it's now their time to get rich! Nevermind the fact they were diving in a lake on government property!"

3. "We should do what now?" Environmentalist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ exclaims. "Do you have any idea how damaging it would be to the environment to mine the gold under that lake? Think of all the aquatic life that would be disrupted or destroyed! Think of how an otherwise pristine lake view would be ruined! Forget the gold and keep those money-grubbing pigs away from nature!"

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#50: Whips, Chains, And Leather, Oh My! [Yacatizma; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
An organized crowd of leather-clad individuals, some of whom are on leashes, are protesting against discrimination for those who share their interests.

The Debate
1. "We happen to express our love differently, with different hobbies and activities," explains BDSM enthusiast @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while wearing needle-sharp spiked heels and holding a whip. "Shops exist to cater to the needs of 'normal' people, but do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get a quality whip? A little support for our hobbies would be appreciated!"

2. "Yeah," exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, another enthusiast, wearing nothing but a collar, "and like other couples, we want the right to display our affection in public. If Master wants to take me walkies in public, he should be able to."

3. @@RANDOM_NAME@@ dissents wholeheartedly. "This is not about showing affection--this is about moral decency. Think of the children, for God's sake! Think of the children! We must criminalize and eliminate this perversion to keep them safe. Which of course means a special task force to track down and capture these cretins!"

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:45 am

#51: Streaker in Snooker Game Fiasco [Sirocco; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
After a sixty-year-old man with distressingly flappy armpits streaked past cameras and millions of sports fans during the snooker league playoffs, protesters have called for tougher action.

The Debate
1. "This can't go on!" says traumatized snooker player @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Children are watching sports and having them exposed to this lewd behaviour is unacceptable! I demand that these people be locked up for several years and maybe they'll have learnt their lesson!"

2. "Oh don't be ridiculous!" scoffs prolific streaker @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "It's all just a bit of fun and the kids shouldn't be wrapped in cotton wool, or they'll learn nothing! Sports are so dull anyway, it needs a little bare skin to liven it up. Streaking should be legal!"

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#52: Is It Art Or Is It Porn? [Imnsvale; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Vocal members of the Moral Minority have been complaining and petitioning the government about the new art gallery displaying several provocative nude portraits by several famous artists. Moral Minority members claim these pieces of work promote prostitution and indecent sexual acts.

The Debate
1. "Stop my children from looking at smut! These artists are only perverts pretending to be artists! Think of the children!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, proud parent and member of Parents Promoting Purity. "These artists are only going to rouse our innocent children to commit grotesque acts of immorality! Get rid of it all!"

2. "Well, I see that point, but we certainly don't need to ban inoffensive art, still lifes of inanimate objects and such," says your sister, @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@. "Perhaps we should set some guidelines for what is acceptable as art and what isn't. Artistic renditions of people getting it on are one thing. A bunch of fruit in a decorative bowl is another entirely."

3. "That is censorship!" says noted art history teacher @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You can't ban art! It's freedom of expression; it's part of our culture. If anything, the government should be supporting these artists and their work, not listening to these prudish whackjobs who are scared of a little bare skin!"

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#53: Orbital Armageddon? [The US Marine Corps; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
The space research organization in @@NAME@@ has requested more government funding for space-related research and development, and the possibility of creating orbital weapons platforms has become a topic of intense debate.

The Debate
1. General @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says, "We should spend more. But not just on exploration. We should start developing Orbital Weapons! Space Marines! Armed Spacecraft! We would rule the region, and look cool doing it! Just divert some funding from environmental protection, and BAM! Sci-fi goodies!"

2. Noted Scientist and pacifist writer @@RANDOM_NAME@@ thinks otherwise, "No! Space is a place for peace! It's the only place left we've got that we haven't screwed up. Oh, the space program still needs funding, don't get me wrong, but none of this 'military in space' stuff will do! We ought to divert funding from the military to education and space research instead!"

3. Fringe Group Leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@ disagrees, "Space is a total waste of time. We should spend more on stuff people actually CARE about. Like voting rights and protecting the environment! Forget that fancy-schmancy space station!"

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#54: Time To Put The Older Senators Out To Pasture? [Pangaa; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Many people are starting to think that it's time to put term limits on elected officials, given the average age of 70 years old and 40 years of service in the nation's Parliament.

The Debate
1. "It's time to get these lifetime politicians off the government payroll!" says term-limits advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Let them get real jobs like the rest of us once they leave office. Besides, if they are currently a Senator, they can always run for another office like Governor. This gives people the right to elect whomever they want to run for office, just not the same office forever. It'll keep things from going completely stale!"

2. "Wait a minute," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairman of the national Infinite Power party. "We pay a lot of money to get those people into office. It can take several terms before we get a return on our investment, I mean, candidates. We should extend the number of years for each term, not limit the number of times a person can serve in any specific office!"

3. Your aunt's mother's step-sister's best friend's hairstylist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, pooh-poohs the entire idea. "You know how to run your country, yes? Why deal with the hassle of elected officials and elections in the first place, yes? Eliminate elections and this entire term limit issue becomes moot, yes?"

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#55: Bigtopian Protesters Cry For Full Integration [Grantwold; ed: The SLAGLands]

The Issue
Bigtopian activists have staged a sit-in at the largest primary school in @@NAME@@ bringing education to a halt in a bid for integration and tolerance.

The Debate
1. "You know... it's not that we don't let them in... it's that they don't apply," murmurs Principal @@RANDOM_NAME@@, coughing nervously. "I mean, yeah, sure, if these Bigtopians lived around here... uh... we'd let them into the school. But... you know... this isn't exactly a Bigtopian community, you know? So... uh... could you please put a stop to these protestors? Oh, and, uh..." Here he leans forward and whispers. "... make sure those creepy Bigtopian protestors don't show up at my school again, okay?"

2. "The time has come for the dream of equality to be realized!" shouts noted Bigtopian rights activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, slamming a fist against your desk. "I see Lilliputians, Tasmanians, and Lord knows how many East Lebatuckese keeping my Bigtopian brothers holed away in their prisons of blindness and ethnic apartheid! The time has come for full integration! If these schools are going to keep us out, I say it's time we were bussed in!"

3. "Well, that's all well and good, but it ain't well and good enough!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of Bigtopians Rising Against Totalitarianist Scum, slamming a black-gloved fist against his podium during a recent pep rally. "We ain't just bein' kept out of their schools; we're bein' kept out of their neighborhoods! The oppressive majority fears us, but they can't hold us back any longer! The government needs to integrate the community as a whole by pushing out the majority and making way for a very loud, very angry minority!"

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#56: "Give Us Money!" Quoth the Poet [Ursoria; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
The National Poetry Society of @@NAME@@ is demanding government-funded programs to promote the arts, especially poetry.

The Debate
1. "We need government help to promote culture." says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairperson of the National Poetry Society of @@NAME@@. "Poetry is the soul of our nation, the very pulse of humanity! We will ultimately be judged according to our contribution to artistic enlightenment. In other words, please provide funding for our humble mission to bring the beauty of poetry to the masses!"

2. "Artists and poets should support themselves, like everyone else," replies @@RANDOM_NAME@@, spokesperson for the Capitalism Now Party. "The suffering taxpayers should be given a break. In fact, we should abolish all government subsidies for special interest groups."

3. "Poets--who needs them?!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Chairperson Emeritus of the Troglodyte Coalition. "These long-haired troublemakers should all be lined up against the wall and shot! That would be far more entertaining than reading some dumb poems!"

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#57: Electronic Plague in @@NAME@@! [Sentient Peoples; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
The malicious computer virus "DEAT.exe" is infecting nearly all the computers in @@NAME@@ and the people are crying out for the government to do something about it.

The Debate
1. "It's those horrible kids. Hacking in where they don't belong. You've got to give us more funding to put a stop to it," says @@NAME@@ Federal Police Chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Like with cars- ban kids from using computers until they pass a test and get a license!"

*2. CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of CyberMirage Labs has a different idea. "Let us release SAL9000, our new AI, into the @@NAME@@ Network. It'll put a stop to this virus. Nevermind that it's still only an untested beta!" [Must have private industry]

*3. Director @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the State Technician's Artificial Life Intelligence Network has a different idea. "Let us release SAL9000, our new AI, into the @@NAME@@ Network. It'll put a stop to this virus. Never mind that it's still only an untested beta!" [Must not have private industry]

4. "Yeah, wonderful! Fix a virus by releasing an AI that will likely turn on its creators? Are you people trying to get us all killed?!" Decries infamous technophobe @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "What do we need computers for anyway? They will only bring us trouble and disaster! Personal computers ought to be banned!"

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#58: Violent Violetists Demand Blood! [Total n Utter Insanity; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Members of a new weird religious cult, called the Order of Violet, ask for the government to appease their mighty god by offering Her a sacrifice of the human variety.

The Debate
1. "What have we got to lose?" says religious freedoms advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Just cut up a few homeless folk - it appeases this group's bloodthirsty Goddess, gets rid of unsightly bums that drain welfare, and everybody goes home happy."

2. "We must go much further than a few beggars!" argues the overzealous High Member of the Order of Violet, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You must pass a law that everyone's first born child must be slaughtered, on live TV if possible. Think of the viewing figures!"

3. "You aren't going to listen to these whackjob Violetists, are you?" comments @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while leading a prayer group. "Human sacrifices! Surely we're too civilized to permit such barbaric practices! These lunatic fringe groups should be outlawed, and their leaders should be executed!"

4. "Who's being a lunatic?" retorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Humanitarian Society. "I agree that these practices ought to be outlawed, but instead of sinking to the same level of these fanatics and killing our fellow people, why not simply start a re-education program? Even the worst person can be rehabilitated into a useful member of society, with enough time, care, and lots and lots of funding!"

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#59: Drunk Driving On The Rise [Cspalla; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
More and more, citizens are drinking before getting behind the wheel. A group of concerned citizens wants something done.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of @@NAME@@'s chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous, says that drunk drivers need help. "Alcoholism is a nasty thing, a disease. The government has to help these poor souls to avoid the temptations of liquor, and wine, and beer, and hard cider, and brandy, and?" His eyes get a glazed far off look, "Where was I? Oh right, we have to help these people, not imprison them."

2. "That's lovely," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a noted anti-alcohol advocate, "In a perfect world where rehab fixes everything. But this is the real world, and it doesn't bring back the victims. Drunk drivers kill people every day. If they take other's lives, the government must take theirs!"

3. "All of those plans attack the symptoms, not the disease," says Minister of Transportation @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Alcohol is a curse, a poison sent by the Devil to tempt mankind. We cannot trust people to make decisions for themselves. The only answer is prohibition. Ban alcohol completely."

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#60: Supreme Court Nomination [Nuttylnd; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
The death of 108 year old Supreme Court Justice @@RANDOM_NAME@@ has created an opening on the bench. Below are the possible nominees.

The Debate
*1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Former CEO of @@NAME@@ Products, says "I have long sat by and watched our government viciously attack the big businesses in this country. The government has no right to control businesses and I will adopt that position in all of my judgements." [Must have private industry]

*2. Comrade @@RANDOM_NAME@@, of the Worker's Committee on Proletariat Loyalty, says, "I have too long sat by and watched the judiciary viciously undermining the righteous cause of the Workers and the Party that represents them. The judiciary has no right to interfere with Party business and I will adopt that position in all of my judgements." [Must not have private industry]

**3. Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@ is nominee #2. The Reverend says "I am sick and tired of the liberals in this country ruining our family values. Every day they assault our basic sense of decency. You must vote for me to keep our families safe. Think of the children!" [Must lean towards being religious]

**4. Traditionalist and conservative @@RANDOM_NAME@@ is nominee #2. @@HE@@ says, "I am sick and tired of the liberals in this country ruining our family values. Every day they assault our basic sense of decency. You must vote for me to keep our families safe. Think of the children!" [Must lean towards being secular]

5. Gay Activist and former Senator @@RANDOM_NAME@@ is nominee #3. "Our people aren't happy, we need more freedom, we need more civil rights. We must keep the government out of the bedroom. We must respect people's right to privacy and remember that personal relations are just that, personal."

6. Environmental Activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ argues, "Our government has been constantly violating Mother Earth and her rights, all our politicians talk about are civil rights, civil rights this, civil rights that, blah blah blah. We aren't important, what is important is the Earth!"

7. The last nominee is the retired Five Star General @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We are ridiculed throughout the international community for our low quality weaponry, our police and military numbers are not sufficient. Our military must be protected from both constitutional and civilian oversight. They should be given money, and a free hand."

[8]. Finally, a tomato flies by your head flung by an angry protester. "We want to elect our own judges! This is a democracy! More power to the people! We don't want a lapdog! Separation of Powers! Get the government out of the judicial system!" He chucks another tomato at you before security escorts him out of your private office. [Must be democratic]

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#61: Should The Government Grant Estates And Titles Of Nobility? [Leptonia; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
A peculiar confederacy of small-government advocates, regular attendees at @@NAME@@'s annual Medieval Faire, and the super rich have demanded that the government grant estates and confer titles of nobility upon certain influential persons.

The Debate
1. "Of course I should be appointed as the Duke of @@CAPITAL@@," says multi-billionaire @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Not only would it be an apt reward for my contributions to @@NAME@@, but the citizens who become landed serfs on my estate would work harder than they ever have in all their lives." Adds small-government advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Government would at last return to the local level, close to the people and the land to which they would be bound for life."

2. "I can't believe I'm hearing this," exclaims noted civil rights advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Those who are behind this espouse a system that grants inordinate amounts of institutional power to the rich and ensures that no one will be able to climb the social ladder. Everyone in society must be granted an equal opportunity to succeed or fail. Say 'no' to a nobility!"

3. "I think both of the other parties are taking this issue to the extreme," argues a learned elderly gentleman resting on a park bench. "All that's being advocated is giving those who have contributed to their nation a ceremonial title and a bit of land. Besides," he adds, "the government can tax their estate."

4. "A good day to thee, milord," counters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an amateur Medieval Faire actor dressed in period costume, "I would suggest that thou hasten thyself to spectate at the jousting competition this forenoon. Aye, quite a bout we have arrayed for thee this day. However, the whole affair could be much grander if only we received a few more gold crownes from the government. Aye, 'twould be a grand tourney of knightly skill and courage indeed!"

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#62: Oh, The Angst! [Uni Students; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
In response to rising rates of depression related suicides, mental health groups have called for government funding to help support treatment programs, citing various surveys that indicate psychological disorders are often an overlooked problem.

The Debate
1. "Although it is often dismissed as an irrelevant complaint, depression is a real disease; it isn't just 'all in your head'," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, depression sufferer. "Depression has significant effects on groups and individuals, especially amongst teenagers. Every day, more and more people commit suicide because of this disease, but this could all be stopped if this country had informative public awareness programs. Even better would be providing mandatory counselling in free, government-run facilities for those who seem down-and-out. This will save lives!"

2. "Screw them," @@RANDOM_NAME@@, talkback radio host, stated yesterday. "Depression isn't a disease, it's just another example of today's youth finding something to complain about. Life's never been better. In fact, just yesterday, I bought my fourth BMW. And even if it is as serious as the bleeding hearts claim, then I say we leave it and cut some of the funding being wasted on these head cases. If a few whiners jump off a bridge, it'll be good for the genepool. Natural selection, my friends. It's a great thing."

3. "Actually, a lot of depression cases in teens are related to school and all the stress and pressure young people are under to succeed. A greater effort to correct the problem of depression should start there, with more funding so that schools can provide better counseling programs." Comments Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, author of the book "Tomato Soup for the Soul". "That way teens who are depressed can get help even if their parents can't or won't take them to see a psychiatrist."

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#63: Tykes With Tools? [New Parakeet; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
A controversial newspaper investigation reveals that as many as 30% of all children are employed in a dangerous environment.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an orphanage foster parent, says, "Child labor should be outlawed! Too many times I have received children who only know manual labor. We have to give these children an education and a chance at a real future. Think of the children!" @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a bum on the street, agrees, "Forget about what's best for the children. They're stealing my work! The only way to get an entry job in this market is to either be younger than 12 and willing to work for nothing, or to knock off a kid and be there to fill the opening, and still be willing to work for nothing."

2. Unemployed parent @@RANDOM_NAME@@ begs that you keep child labor legal. "You can't outlaw child labor; we need the extra money that my 13 children earn. Since both my spouse and I were laid off, the only way to get enough money to feed both of us is to have all of our kids employed. In fact, with the downswing in the economy we're expecting another kid to close the gap."

3. Fat cat factory owner @@RANDOM_NAME@@ steps over the bum in the street and explains, "You don't understand. You shouldn't make child labor illegal, you should subsidize it. By employing these kids I'm giving them valuable life lessons. I didn't go to school and see where I am now? I'm giving them work experience, making them highly employable for the 15 years of their expected lives."

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#64: Put The "Board" Back In Board Of Education [Curia; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
The @@NAME@@ Teachers' Union, complaining of a steady increase in student disciplinary problems, wants to be able to use corporal punishment to correct misbehavior.

The Debate
1. "Clearly, parents aren't teaching manners at home," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the union president. "All we want is to be able to take a paddle to their backsides when there are problems. It's not like we want to throw the kids in jail."

2. "Keep your hands off my kids!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while protesting outside of union headquarters. "If there's a problem, it's with the teachers not having the skills to do their jobs. They should be tested for qualifications!"

3. "Corporal punishment would only treat a symptom of the bigger problem: our education system is in need of an overhaul," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, @@NAME@@'s education minister. "We need smaller class sizes, more teachers, better buildings, and better pay. It'll cost, but it'll pay off in the long run."

4. "Why don't we just kick these unruly kids out, and force parents to home-school them?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, education coordinator for the @@NAME@@ First Omnimenical Church. "That way parents can stress the values they want their kids to have and give them the attention they need."

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#65: Should Martial Law be declared? [American Militarists; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
Crime and violence are increasing across @@NAME@@; the people are crying out for some degree of order. Maybe martial law could work?

The Debate
1. "Placing the military in charge of government affairs will be a disaster" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, as a random thug steals the shirt off @@HIS@@ back. "You can't scare people straight! What we need is reform and respect for civil rights and our political freedom. You will have none of that under Martial Law."

2. "It's not that way at all," argues army general @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The fact is, if we don't implement some sort of order this country will fall into a state of anarchy. I urge you to act strongly and proactively before it is too late. We must exercise complete control over the populace to restore peace and security. Martial Law must be implemented, curfews established, and elections temporarily suspended. Only by doing this can we hope to have a future for @@NAME@@."

3. "Look, we do need more security, but we can't sacrifice our freedoms. Just increase the police force and call in the National Guard," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We need order, but Martial Law is too drastic and restricting".

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#66: Transgender Recognition Demanded [Melmond; ed: Enodia & Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After tabloid magazine "The Bun" outed supermodel @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ as having been born male, the fashion world has gone into a frenzy, with the organisers of @@CAPITAL@@ Fashion Week barring the model from the runway. Social media has gone into meltdown with commentators from all sides of the argument demanding that the government step in.

The Debate
1. "I have gone through twenty years of internal pain about my external appearance, and I've put so much effort and money into finally having the world see the real me!" blogs the model. "Gender isn't a binary proposition: gender identity is not necessarily the gender assigned at birth. I was fortunate to have private funds and supportive parents, but not all are so lucky. Please recognise my right to self-determination of identity, and help those like me get the surgery and medicine they need."

2. "Look, man is man and woman is woman: it's written in our chromosomes. You can't choose to be a different gender any more than you can choose to say you're an @@ANIMAL@@," broadcasts right-wing talk radio host @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Hey, a man wants the liberty to dress as a woman, I won't deny him that: just don't expect the taxpayer to pay for his operations and medicines."

3. "Well I got a problem with these cross-dressers," spits cargo-hauler @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@. "One time I thought I was hitting on this waitress at the pie shop, only turns out she was a he. Man, it sickens me. Lock dem all in an asylum till they get their heads straight!"

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#67: Most Likely To Secede [Leptonia; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
A group of bearded militiamen have recently declared rural @@RANDOM_NAME@@ County a sovereign and independent nation! @@NAME@@'s talk radio pundits demand immediate government action.

The Debate
1. "Gov'mint's not workin' fo' folks 'round here," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a turnip farmer, "We have ourselves a guar-un-teed right to form a gov'mint that works for us. We don't want any confrontation, now, we just want to shake hands and let ya'll get along with yer business while we get along with ours."

2. "I can't believe this!" shouts General Bill Sherman. "This is tantamount to treason! Our political system would collapse if whole territories were allowed to leave at any time. It would be chaos! I propose that you let me take care of the problem... permanently."

3. "Perhaps we can reach a suitable middle ground," says an elderly gentleman resting on a park bench, "If we were to bring government close to the people, and allow them to have a modicum of self-determination, perhaps they wouldn't feel the need to secede. Let's give the local governments more power."

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#68: Ornery Overcrowding Problem [Frigben; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
A survey recently released by the @@NAME@@ Housing Authority indicates that the country's burgeoning population is rapidly leading to a housing crisis as families find themselves crammed into increasingly cramped living spaces.

The Debate
1. "What we need are more high rises, whether low-cost or fancy condos," says demographic expert @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They're efficient, waste little land, and wouldn't you love to wake up to the bright cheery sky in front of you every morning? Of course, there's the problem of higher contagious disease transmission, but I'm sure our health system is robust enough for that. Not to mention all the jobs these new buildings will bring."

2. "All these industrial factories take up so much space," argues social welfare commentator @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The fact is, not only do they pollute, but they hog land that is better used for low-cost housing. Studies show that apartments are just too cramped for people to be comfortable in. We would be a lot better off in simple single-floor houses. Especially if they're subsidised by the government."

3. "This raises an interesting issue," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, staunch supporter of birth control. "And that is: why do we need to build more housing anyway? Why don't we just limit the number of children each family can have? Besides, pregnancy causes all sorts of complications. We're better off with less of it anyway."

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#69: Power Problems Need Bright Solution [Plumbumia; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
The oldest power station in @@NAME@@ suffered a catastrophic failure last night, plunging a third of the power supply grid of @@CAPITAL@@ into darkness. There is no debate that it needs to be replaced, but the question is with what?

The Debate
1. "The solution is clear," says environmental activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Wind turbines and solar power stations are the cleanest there are. We must switch power production to forms of renewable energy, that will never run out. The only minor problems are that wind farms will take up a great deal of space and of course we can't exactly rely on the weather. It isn't as though we control it. But think of how much healthier people will be without all that pollution!"

2. "Wind power? Solar collectors? Bah! Have you ever wondered when the least amount of strain is placed on the national grid? WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING!" exclaims Southern @@NAME@@ Electra official @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We need power under our control, and cheaply. Coal has been the cheapest and most abundant power source for ages. We don't need this airy fairy wind malarky when we have cheap and reliable power available for all. True, pollution will be a bit on the heavy side but I'm sure that's only a minor problem, with how well funded our health system is!"

3. "Now the way I see it is that it's either green, expensive, and sprawling; or compact, polluting and cheap. Wouldn't it be nice if we had the best of both worlds? Well, we can!" claims fission technician @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Nuclear power is reliable, clean, and although it isn't cheap, it won't break the bank. There is a risk of deadly meltdown, but this is relatively small, and the only people who could be against this are anti-nuclear protesters, but what do we care about those tree-hugging hippies?"

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#70: Purge The Infidels! [SalusaSecondus; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
The fanatical religious organization @@NAME@@'s Concerned Citizens for Our God has brought it to your attention that there are many non-believers in your nation, and that they think something should be done about this.

The Debate
1 & 2. "We already have an official religion," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the white cloaked spokesperson for @@NAME@@'s Concerned Citizens. "Why not enforce it? After all, the only way to Heaven is through Us and Our God. If they will not believe in Our Loving and Forgiving God, well, clearly they must be PUT TO DEATH." [1: Must not have capital punishment | 2: Must have capital punishment]

3. "Put to death? Is this really the type of person you want to listen to?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Every day I thank God that I'm an agnostic and don't need to believe this nonsense. Religion shouldn't have anything to do with our government."

4. "They're right, religion shouldn't have a role in our government, but they don't go far enough," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ at a local AA (Atheists Anonymous) meeting. "Few things have caused more death and suffering in this world than religion. Just look at the Crusades and the Jihads throughout history! This should be treated like the mental disorder that it is. Remember, religion teaches intolerance, and we cannot accept that!"

5. "Oh Lord, please don't let our noble leader listen to these extremists!" prays your religious advisor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Religion is an important guiding force in peoples' lives, but we have no right to force it on people. Atheists, since they don't have a religion, are less ethical and their actions cost society more, so it's only fair that they should be taxed more heavily to make up the difference."

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#71: Minority Group Demands Language Recognition [Pragmas; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
A group several thousands strong hailing from a remote, isolated corner of @@NAME@@ is staging a massive demonstration on the front steps of your capitol. They demand that their local dialect be recognized as an official language.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Culture, has nothing but disdain for the demonstrators. "The language of @@NAME@@ is as important to our national identity as our history is. A truly erudite individual uses perfect grammar and refuses to speak as those ruffians do." Your Finance Minister is quick to chime in as well, "If business is required to print every road sign, instruction manual, and fast-food wrapper in two languages, it would increase everybody's overhead. That means higher prices for the person in the street."

2. "Smarker, but ee's gone blongie 'round the clonger! Trandy in the blang warked a newtie on the Cheebers, quaff me a duggle if it's brine. Sorky, hang our trandy high!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, speaking for the demonstrators, in an apparently rousing response that draws a cascade of cheers. After a few uncomfortable minutes with a professional translator, you find the speaker said, "I respectfully disagree with the Minister. Multilingualism has brought stability to richly-cultured nations such as Brancaland; indeed, I challenge you to provide a single counterexample. I encourage this government to adopt a policy of multilingualism throughout @@NAME@@!"

3. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a radical opposition member who seems to tag along to every demonstration she can find, has her own proposal. "The language barrier is keeping us all apart. What @@NAME@@ needs is a new identity defined by a new language that we can all agree on. That's unity without favoritism."

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#72: Widening Buttocks Cause Movie Theater Havoc [The Velvet Cockatiel; ed: The SLAGLands]

The Issue
Several festively chubby people were lodged in their movie theater seats for hours, as @@NAME@@'s Fire Department worked to free them. Health organizations are now expressing concern over the problem of obesity in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "Clearly, we have to do something about the expanding obesity problem in @@NAME@@, er, no pun intended," remarks @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the National Health Bureau. "The government should implement an extensive exercise management program and make it mandatory that all citizens participate in some kind of exercise at least once a week."

*2. "Mandatory exercise! Get out! I don't have the time!" snorts nationally renowned TV chef @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "How about banning those greasy fast food joints and drive-thrus? I mean, seriously, if you can't get out of your stupid car to walk in and get a meal, how sad is that? Ban fast food and make junk food more expensive--that way, people will have to think about whether they really want to spend ten @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ on a snack cake." [Must not ban cars]

*3. "Mandatory exercise! Get out! I don't have the time!" snorts nationally renowned TV chef @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "How about banning those greasy fast food joints and drive-thrus? I mean, seriously, if you can't get on your stupid bike and go get a meal, how sad is that? Ban fast food and make junk food more expensive—that way, people will have to think about whether they really want to spend ten @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ on a snack cake." [Must ban cars]

[4]. "I don't see why it's anyone's business but my own how I kill myself," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a pleasantly plump former computer programmer, midway through a chili dog. "My weight is my own business, and if I don't feel like exercising, that's my choice. Sure, it'd be healthier to lose a few pounds, but my priorities lie elsewhere. Leave us alone, and we, the citizens of @@NAME@@, will decide what's important to us and what we want to eat." [Must not ban Computers]

5. "What about government-funded liposuction?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while contemplatively chewing a mouthful of chili dog. "If I could get the fat sucked off of these hips, that would give me the willpower to stay thin. Obesity would be a thing of the past! Just think of it! Nothing but svelte, beautiful people everywhere! Ah, bliss!"

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#73: @@NAME@@ - Without Cars, Going Nowhere Fast [Reploid Productions; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
Ever since the government banned automobiles, furious soccer moms and commuters have been petitioning the government to revoke the ban, citing any number of troubles people have had without their cars.

The Debate
*1. "The government was being utterly stupid in banning cars, especially at the whim of a bunch of nutjob, tree-hugging bicyclists!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Coo' Stuff, Inc. "My workers are constantly late, they don't work as much because they have to leave early to walk or bike home... leaving this ban in place will only murder the economy!" [Must have private industry]

*2. "The government was being utterly stupid in banning cars, especially at the whim of a bunch of nutjob, tree-hugging bicyclists!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of the State Sheet Metal Manufactory. "My workers are constantly late, they don't work as much because they have to leave early to walk or bike home... leaving this ban in place will only murder the economy!" [Must not have private industry]

3. "Well, it's extremely difficult to drive my son to and from school and his after-school sports," comments soccer mom @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But I don't want my boy inhaling all those icky fumes. I say bring back cars, but put some effort into finding cleaner fuels and the like! Who cares if it costs a small fortune?"

4. "What do they know?" whispers a strange woman clad all in green. "You ought to clamp down on these protesters. Without cars, the people are much easier for you to control, are they not?"

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#74: @@NAME@@'s Racers Growing Fast And Furious [Nascar Thunder; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Illegal street racing and racing-related injuries are on the rise, causing many infamous racers to begin rallying for an officially sanctioned racing series and track facilities in order to safely satisfy their need for speed.

The Debate
1. "If you don't let us race on real racetracks, then we'll just keep running on the roads at night!" says racing fans' favorite @@RANDOM_NAME@@, at the wheel of a tricked-out Honda. "Would it kill you guys to build a couple of nice big race facilities? Think of the money you'd make on charging admission and selling drinks and stuff! And it'd be a lot safer than all of us tearing around on public roads! Forget about the people griping about the noise pollution!"

2. "Don't tell me you plan to cater to these speed freaks!" police officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@ comments over coffee and donuts. "Encouraging this sport is only going to increase the street racing problem because all these punks who can't afford to run the professional circuit are going to want to satisfy their lead feet the way they have been! What we need is more police funding to crack down on these punk hotrodders."

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#75: Cutting Off Sex Offenders? [Istar; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
After the capture and trial of notorious rapist @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, who was convicted of the rape of over 50 women in the past two years a debate has emerged on how he should be punished.

The Debate
1. "That psychopath should be castrated!" cries rape victim @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "The agony he put me through must be punished with a means that will ensure that no human being will ever go through what I did! If castration is used more often in these cases you will see rape drop to nothing!"

*2. "I understand that this is a terrible time for the poor victims in this case," says defense attorney @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "However, the answer is not to revert back to the Dark Ages. Instead, we should focus on rehabilitation of all criminals in our prison system." [Must have prisons]

*3. "I understand that this is a terrible time for the poor victims in this case," says defense attorney @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "However, the answer is not to revert back to the Dark Ages. Instead, we must focus on rehabilitation of all criminals in our justice system." [Must not have prisons]

**4. "Everyone knows re-education is a waste of money, we shouldn't go soft on these crooks!" says CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the People Trading Corporation. "Simply place all rapists and criminals in @@NAME@@ into forced labor under the management of our company to serve out their sentences. When we're through with them, they won't even think of jaywalking, much less harming another person. We get cheap labor, and these crooks get put straight. Everybody benefits... well, except the crooks." [Must have private industry]

**5. "Everyone knows re-education is a waste of money, we shouldn't go soft on these crooks!" says Director of Farming Collectives @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Simply place all rapists and criminals in @@NAME@@ into forced labor under the management of our directorate to serve out their sentences. When we're through with them, they won't even think of jaywalking, much less harming another person. We get free labor, and these crooks get put straight. Everybody benefits... well, except the crooks." [Must not have private industry]

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:46 am

#76: Suits in Protest [Xibonia; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
Thousands of business men and women have taken to the streets in protest of their working conditions and pay. "It's not fair that we can't have a union," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, VP of Sales at SlothCorp. "Just because we make six figures doesn't mean we don't deserve overtime too! It's high time that the lower classes come to appreciate our hard efforts."

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, secretary of commerce, recommends you ignore these commies. "Free enterprise means not having to succumb to unions, and the world has enough unions already."

2. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, secretary of labor, advises you to adjust laws to allow white-collar unions. "It only makes sense that all of the workers in our nation have equal opportunity to benefit from the advantages of collective bargaining."

3. "Get these people out of the street!" advises @@RANDOM_NAME@@, local police chief. "They're blocking traffic, and making it impossible for the common man to drive to the megamall!"

4. Finally, Right Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@ proclaims, "The downtrodden are suffering at the hands of the MAN, and these wealthy upper shelf vice presidents are asking to make the rich richer and the poor poorer! The only reason the common worker needs a union is to be able to fight against the oppression of these slave drivers! It's ludicrous that these greedy scrooges are asking for even MORE money! Send them packing and raise taxes on the wealthy to bring more equality to our nation!"

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#77: Easter Egg: World To End, Or Possibly Just Mark Anniversary {One Year Anniversary issue, now an Easter Egg bonus}

The Issue
Along with the rest of the world, the citizens of @@NAME@@ have been stunned by the revelation of a small team of geophysical philosophers that the world turns exactly one year old today, as measured by what they call "RL units". (Congratulations on finding so many easter eggs. As a reward, here is the special issue our players got when NationStates turned one year old.)

The Debate
1. "Frankly, I saw this coming—all the signs of the Apocalypse are here," says local community leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Moral standards are falling, the government is making increasingly erratic decisions, and people are neglecting their work to play bizarre political simulation games on the internet. There's only one sensible reaction: declaring a state of emergency, sending out the military, and shooting curfew breakers until the crisis is over."

[2]. "With respect, I don't think falling moral standards are the problem," says cubicle dweller and Slashdot karma god @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The issue is what's going to happen to our computers if the world clock ticks over from 0 to 1. This Y1 problem, as I call it, could be devastating for our IT industry unless it's tackled swiftly. And by tackled swiftly, I mean given a massive injection of public money." [Must not ban Computers OR Must not ban Internet]

3. "Why panic when you should be partying?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, not completely soberly. "It's the first birthday of the world, man—let people go nuts! If the government has a shred of decency, they'll order the cops to back off and let people really enjoy this incredible moment in history."

4. "This is neither a time for clamping down, nor, as they say, going off," says religious leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Rather, we should encourage people to reflect on the great mysteries of life. For example, what is God, to each of us? What is the true meaning of faith? And is the world around us reality, or are we instead living inside a simulated reality that exists only for the amusement of beings we cannot even imagine?"

5. "Well, I know what I'll be doing," says obscure author and Perl amateur Max Barry. "Sitting at home with a good book! Jennifer Government, for instance, is a cracking read. And I hear that some of the profits go into maintaining a cool web game. But of course, that's just my opinion. People should celebrate however they want."

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#78: Easter Egg: Should We Pull The Lever? [Meddlers; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
During the middle of the night, someone has mysteriously put a lever in the middle of the city park. On it, it says, "Pull the Lever, And See The World End."

The Debate
1. "I've always wanted to see the apocalypse." says an elderly man on a park bench. "All that fire and brimstone. To see God's wrath. Something I can tell my grandchildren about later on. I say we should."

2. "Not on your life!" says his wife sitting next to him. "If you pull that lever, we'll have no grandchildren, no life, only heaven and hell. Don't you dare pull that lever."

3. "Now, don't think of it as a do/don't option," says a hot dog vendor. "What if we give tours so that people can see the lever? Not to touch it of course, but to see that humanity can be ruined by such a contraption. We can make a profit."

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#79: @@NAME@@'s @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@: Going The Way Of The Dodo? [Naelosia; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
The @@ANIMAL@@ is on the brink of extinction, largely due to people hunting them down for tasty @@ANIMAL@@-kabobs and @@ANIMAL@@burgers, and as ecological disaster looms, various factions are all calling for what they feel should be done about the @@ANIMAL@@.

The Debate
1. "This is an outrage!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, outspoken member of the @@NAME@@ Wilderness Protection Movement. "The government has to put a stop to the out of control hunting of our beloved @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@. Do you want our children and grandchildren to miss witnessing the spectacle of wild @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ prancing freely in our forests?"

2. "Who cares what happens to some dumb wild pest?", scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, employee of @@NAME@@ National Lumber, "If they're endangered it's 'cause they were too weak to adapt. They probably deserve to be killed off. With them out of the way, we could clear-cut the forests @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ like to hide in, which would really boost the economy through the timber industry!"

[3]. "Nature is hardly a black and white issue," @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a respected scholar, notes. "We should start a breeding program to help these creatures recover their numbers. We can display them in captivity, and gradually release them into the wild. Couple it with limiting, but not abolishing @@ANIMAL@@ hunting, and everyone benefits. Of course, @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ raised in captivity don't generally survive in the wild, but I'm sure we can find a way!" [Must have zoos]

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#80: Easter Egg: Aliens Wish Peace/Trade Agreement [Exiled; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
Aliens have landed in the fields of @@NAME@@ and they wish to trade and have peace.

The Debate
1. "Take us to your kneader!" says @@RANDOM_NAME_REVERSED@@, alien lawyer. "We have heard wonders of @@NAME@@'s pizza, and must have it. We are certain that a valuable trade route can be set up between our peoples. You could have our first born, for example." Your Secretary of Trade is shocked, "First Born?! That's slavery!" but quickly calms down upon discovery that their young are considered a great delicacy there. "You know, maybe we should open up trade with them?"

2. The Coalition of No ETs wants you to stay out of this. @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says "Them darn aliens thingies are going to take advantage of the situation an' kill us all! You must ban all trade with them. If they want my cattle, it will be over my dead body!"

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#81: Close Encounters Of The Sci-fi Kind? [Spyr; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
A recent, well-publicized UFO sighting over rural areas of @@NAME@@ has turned people's attention to the skies, and what... or who... might be up there.

The Debate
1. "This event proves one thing: there are other life-forms out there," says eccentric astronomer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "All we have to do is find them! What is the price of a few hundred Radio Telescopes compared to the benefit of living in peace and harmony with our brethren of the stars?"

2. "Spies! It's gotta be spies! A few planes or satellites from our enemies or 'allies' in our region," rages General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of @@NAME@@'s military, "The only way to keep those snoops out of our airspace is to patrol the streets 'n skies, and shoot 'em down! Even if they are some sort of little green aliens, a couple of SAM batteries and a few flak cannons'll keep 'em from abducting our @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@."

3. "Extraterrestrial lifeforms? Alien invaders? I don't know why we even have to listen to such idiocy!" complains prize-winning physicist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "In my opinion, the idea of 'aliens' on another planet is highly unlikely, and even if they did exist, getting from there to here is technically impossible! I say we forget this nonsense and stop spending our tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ on it. Leave this sort of foolishness to the people who attend those 'trekkie' conventions."

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#82: AI Researchers Rally For Android Rights [Eniqcir; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
Following recent advances in artificial intelligence, debate has arrisen in @@NAME@@ over whether AI's should have the right to citizenship.

The Debate
1. "Giving citizenship to computers and software programs is just downright crazy," says citizen @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Who knows if they're even really alive? Just because some of them may look human doesn't mean they're equal to us. It could all just be imitation."

2. "These beings have just as much of a right to citizenship as the rest of us," argues civil rights activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "True, we may not be able to tell if they're really 'alive', per se, but how can we tell that they aren't? But the androids should be put at the top of the list. At least we know that they have the same viewpoint as us humans."

3. "This is craziness!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a resident interviewed by the popular news show 'Talk o' the Town'. "It's just blasphemy, plain and simple! We're, like, playin' God here! It's evil, man, evil! What if they turned against us? All forms of AI should be banned, dudes."

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#83: High-Speed Monorail Service Promises Connections [Baudrillard; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Vroom-A-Zoom-Zoom (VAZZ), a consortium of weird-looking hippies and yuppie roller coaster aficionados, has developed plans for a high-speed monorail service for @@NAME@@ to help counter and relieve problems brought about by banning cars.

The Debate
1. "This is great," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, devout anti-spending advocate. "You know what'll happen? The government will invest huge sums of money in a service no one will use. I suggest nipping it in the bud... and cutting back government spending across the board while you're at it."

[2]. "I disagree," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of Vroom-A-Zoom-Zoom Ltd. "If people are worried about the costs, why not let the monorail service be a private company? That way, it will have to compete with other industries and make a profit. And don't forget that'll bring in more tax revenue. Of course, that would make fares too pricey for a lot of people, but the rich would probably use it a lot!" [Must have private industry]

*3. "I really disagree," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an unwashed denizen standing in the middle of Noh Weir, population 200, on the outskirts of @@NAME@@. "The state must run the monorail service, otherwise it's useless. What a monorail system should do is connect both large and small cities, and the only way to do that is for the government to run the rails, using the profits from the larger cities to subsidize the routes for smaller ones." [Must have private industry]

*4. "I really disagree," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an unwashed denizen standing in the middle of Noh Weir, population 200, on the outskirts of @@NAME@@. "We need this monorail service to connect both large and small cities, with equal access to transport for all the workers, all of the time." [Must not have private industry]

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#84: Compulsory Gun Ownership? [Tristram; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
This weekend, a citizen's group calling itself Gun Owners of @@NAME@@ has petitioned Congress with a controversial bill making gun ownership compulsory.

The Debate
1. "This is a very important step to securing the rights and lives of our families and controlling the government," urges noted gun ownership proponent @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Not only would it significantly decrease crime, but it would also effectively stop government tyranny in its tracks. Of course, this also means that every wacko and their cousin will have a gun, but don't worry, you'll have a gun to defend yourself from them, so it will all work out."

2. "While the Gun Owners of @@NAME@@ have the safety and security of our people in mind, it would simply be impractical to enforce," comments Police Chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "A better option would be to legalize, and encourage use of, concealed carry laws, which would allow responsible citizens to keep firearms with them at all times, on their person, to kill any wacko or their cousin who they think is threatening them."

3. "Compulsory gun ownership?! Concealed carry?! Are these fools nuts?!" rants an enraged Million Mummy March activist. "We don't need any of these things! What we need is complete gun registration, so that the government can track down dangerous people, like those people who possess unregistered weapons."

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#85: Illegal File-Sharing Flares [Frigben; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
A surprise raid conducted on ISPs over the last week in @@NAME@@ shows that more than 30% of all Internet data transfer in @@NAME@@ at one time or another is used by illegal file-shares to illegally distribute files, most notably songs.

The Debate
1. "What we need to do is hack their computers and format their hard drives," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, recording industry representative. "People need to be taught to not mess with the law. This is theft, pure and simple. And they're not only halving our revenue to tune of billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@, but you are also stealing a few hundredths of a @@CURRENCY@@ from the artist for every song they steal. THINK OF THE STARVING ARTISTS!"

2. "Yo, dude, like, don't be hatin' man," says teenager @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We're like, going to change the whole structure of our society. Everything should be like, publicly available to, like, everybody, dude. Copyrights are so, like, uncool man and we need to get rid of them. That'd be totally radical, and cool as well."

3. "Yo, dang, blizzity blang, yo, this ain't, right, yo," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, famous rapper with three platinum albums. "Dang, yo, we dang need to protect my dang music files, yo, so yo' gotta be registered an' online to listen, yo. It's the only way to stop this, dang, yo."

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#86: Save The @@ANIMAL@@ [Oddballfullness; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
In desperation at the plight of the @@ANIMAL@@, which has virtually no natural habitat left in @@NAME@@, a somewhat unorthodox environmental group demands that the few surviving specimens be domesticated and sold in pet stores.

The Debate
1. "We must act now, before the @@ANIMAL@@ is lost forever," said spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@ during a recent interview. "Domestication has ensured the survival of many endangered species in the past, and there really is no alternative left at this point. Besides, I'm sure many families would be thrilled to welcome a @@ANIMAL@@ into their homes."

2. "Sure, @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ might look cute and harmless to you," says retired hunting legend @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "but back in my day, they were the scourge on the nation. They carry a number of dangerous diseases, and you do NOT want to be bitten by one. My cousin was once bitten by a @@ANIMAL@@ and he's never been the same since! So now you want my grandchildren exposed to these things? The sooner they disappear completely, the better!"

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#87: Burn! Burn Everything! [PRC China; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
A recent anti-government rally by highly disgruntled teens has brought a previously minor issue to the fore: should people be permitted to burn @@NAME@@'s flag, or should it be a crime?

The Debate
1. "We should be able to burn the flag as a sign of protest. I say ignore those crazy red-blooded fanatics who won't let us! After all it's because we are a tolerant nation that we should allow it!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, civil rights activist, while accidentally immolating many nearby protesters.

2. "Burning should be allowed for everything! Down with the pig cops and their repressive regime!" says well-known anarchist and arsonist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, from the comfy and non-flammable confines of @@HIS@@ prison cell. "Burn! Burn burn burn! Everything! Kyahahaha!"

3. "These barbarians are suggesting burning the flag of our glorious nation as if it were a piece of scrap cloth! First it's burning the flag, and before you know it, it's rebellion and anarchy!" @@RANDOM_NAME@@ scowls. "Flag burning should be punishable by jail terms and a good flogging!"

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#88: Cannibals Demand To Taste What @@NAME@@ Has To Offer [Sovereign Discord; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
A coalition of tribalists, health experts, and civil rights proponents have recently suggested legalizing cannibalism for consumers of willing would-be meals.

The Debate
1. "I see absolutely no problem with people digging into each other at dinnertime, so long as everyone is willing," @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the editor of the monthly magazine 'To Serve Man', quips, "Not only does it solve hunger problems and create jobs, but it also adds variety to @@NAME@@'s sometimes dull palette."

2. Civil rights leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@ came out publicly for moderate pro-cannibalism legislation, commenting, "While it may strike some as a crude, even evil practice, our ancestors have practiced cannibalism for years. If we create a government organization to strictly regulate and grade all human meat prior to its arrival on the market, we can ensure that respect for diversity is maintained while health concerns are also allayed. And instead of killing average people, why not make being turned into snack foods a post-mortem option? Like donating your body to science!"

3. "You're all absolutely out of your minds!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of @@NAME@@'s largest health-food manufacturer. "It's immoral, it's unhealthy, and it's disgusting. Not only are these so-called 'dietary rights' activists leading us down a dark path of sin, but right into a marketplace with yet another product that's almost as bad as beef!"

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#89: "Don't Dam Our Rivers, Damnit!" Say Protesters [Frigben; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
A group of Greenpeace protesters have called for an end to a government proposal to begin damming rivers in @@NAME@@ to increase water supplies and generate power.

The Debate
1. "Don't build dams!" shouts protestor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ through a microphone heavily afflicted with feedback. "Do you know how many fish die in other dams in our region each year? Have you heard of the adverse effects building a dam has on the surrounding environment? Dam up this flood of dams, damn it!"

2. "Think before you open your mouth," says engineer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "While @@NAME@@ may have to pay the price in animal diversity, as well as adverse effects on the environment, do we really want fossil-fuel based plants polluting @@NAME@@? If you use your common sense, I think you'll find that damming some rivers would be a good idea. Plus, think of how much the economy would benefit from all the jobs these projects would create."

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#90: Organic Outburst [Dark_Zephyr; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
After a recent left-wing broadsheet exposé of agricultural practices, an outburst of public paranoia has stirred up the organic foods debate.

The Debate
1. "I just can't stomach it any more," rants concerned parent @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "My children's future is being put at risk by irresponsible corporate practices. We must outlaw the use of pesticides and additives by farmers and food producers."

2. "I've heard enough of this treehugging, lefty nonsense," argues corporate spokesman @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The agricultural industry needs to use the most advanced technology available, it's the only way to keep @@NAME@@ competitive in food production. Besides, the studies we have commissioned prove that only a very small number of child deaths are due to our products, and surely that's an acceptable rate in the name of progress?"

3. "Stop torturing Mother Earth!" yells outraged environmental extremist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Are we prepared to sacrifice our planet and our souls for the sake of a few extra @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@? If we hope to live in harmony with the environment that nurtures and protects us, we must ban all industries that pollute our world. Let us return to the trees, my brothers!"

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#91: Sacramental Tax Time? [Rational Self Interest; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Secularists have been urging the government to impose corporation tax on religious organizations in @@NAME@@ for some time now, and the issue has finally made its way to the upper levels of the government.

The Debate
*1. Self-appointed civil rights spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@ declares, "Churches are business organizations with a large income. It's unfair that they don't have to pay the same taxes that everyone else does. If they really do spend any money on charity, let them write it off as a deduction just like corporations do. There's no reason that so-called clergy should be chauffeured around in limos tax-free, when we desperately need funds for public works." [Cars are legal]

*2. Self-appointed civil rights spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@ declares, "Churches are business organizations with a large income. It's unfair that they don't have to pay the same taxes that everyone else does. If they really do spend any money on charity, let them write it off as a deduction just like corporations do. There's no reason that so-called clergy should be chauffeured around in gilded carriages tax-free, when we desperately need funds for public works." [Cars are banned]

3. "Freedom of conscience is foremost among liberties," says Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Churches have been exempted from taxation because it is wrong for the government to infringe on the right of people to worship as they please, and that includes charging them for the right to worship. Besides, churches are non-profit organizations that put all their funds back into the community."

[4]. The Honorable @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Minister of Minding Other People's Business, has an idea: "This religion thing is such a great racket, why don't we make it a government monopoly? We'll ban all religions except @@FAITH@@, and make attendance and donations compulsory. I'll start writing the Holy Proclamation right away!" [Must have a national religion]

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#92: @@NAME@@ Officials Needled About Mandatory Vaccinations [GDrabble; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Health workers are frequently being ignored by people when recommending vaccinations against common illnesses. When these people subsequently become ill they require expensive emergency care. To correct this situation, many health experts are lobbying for mandatory vaccinations.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a pro-vaccination taxpayer, says "If a doctor thinks a vaccination is good for you then you should have it. All these people turning them down are know-it-alls that are wasting my tax money. Or they're really afraid of needles."

2. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who recently refused a vaccination, says that vaccines must remain completely optional: "Anything else is a breach of human rights. Doctors are not always right!" @@HE@@ says. "I'm perfectly capable of deciding what is best for my body!"

3. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, @@NAME@@'s leading expert on health spending, suggests a third way. "Leave vaccines optional but make free health care conditional on having them. That way people get to choose, and it will help ease the load on our national healthcare budget."

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#93: Affirmative Action in @@NAME@@? [The Orange Freestate; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
After minority student @@RANDOM_NAME@@ was refused admission to a traditional, prestigious college, civil rights activists, conservatives, and teachers are up in arms about affirmative action and ethnic equality in education.

The Debate
1. "I think you'll find there's actually no problem here," observes conservative speaker and hair care product salesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "A student wants to go to a particular school, but lacks the grades. Clearly, he should have studied harder in school. But oh, because he's a so-called minority, it's everyone else's fault. I'm sorry, but the system is working perfectly well: What gets you into a good school is merit alone. Or, failing that, a generous donation."

2. "Are you blind, or do you simply refuse to see?" thunders civil-rights activist, former TV commentator and unabashed publicity speaker @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Oh yes, it's all perfectly equal, if we ignore the fact that this poor boy was stacking shelves to pay for textbooks in a falling-down school while the nice rich boys were enjoying private tutoring! Affirmative action is needed to balance out the very real disadvantages that many students grow up with! And there's no better way to identify that disadvantage than with broad, sweeping demographics!"

3. "I think you're both loony," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, professor of liberal arts at @@NAME@@ National University. "In my humble opinion, the solution is simple: make college education free to all. Why turn away anyone? Throw open the gates and make college education available to every citizen of @@NAME@@, regardless of their economic status, grades, or work ethic!"

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#94: Computer Users Fed Up With Heaps of Spam! [Bored Yawning; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
A survey citing a tremendous increase in unsolicited emails has added fire to the subject of what many view as a scourge of the Internet.

The Debate
1. "The spam problem is out of control," states anti-spam advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I get at least fifty spam e-mails a day. That isn't even counting the spam people are posting to my newsgroup and to my messageboard. This junk is a waste of time in that I have to delete it and a waste of my money in that I have to buy anti-spam programs-which hardly work anyway. People get swindled by this stuff - it should be a crime, just like regular fraud."

*2. "A ban on all spam is a restriction on our freedom of speech and on the freedom of the press!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@ president of Citizens for Internet Freedom. "What is the government to say what is and isn't commercial spam? Could they haul charity representatives off to jail for seeking donations? Could they jail politicians for using e-mail to try and gain votes? Could they arrest me if I accidentally send my erotic novel-in-progress to the wrong address? Seriously, spamming is a subjective offense and as such should not be considered a crime." [Must allow elections]

*3. "A ban on all spam is a restriction on our freedom of speech and on the freedom of the press!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of Citizens for Internet Freedom. "What is the government to say what is and isn't commercial spam? Could they haul charity representatives off to jail for seeking donations? Could they jail politicians for using email to promote government programs? Could they arrest me if I accidentally send my erotic novel-in-progress to the wrong address? Seriously, spamming is a subjective offense and as such should not be considered a crime." [Must not allow elections]

4. "Both sides are wrong," grumbles government paper-pusher @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Spam is definitely a problem, yet so is the restriction on freedoms which some draconian anti-spam codes would impose. I propose a ban on overtly fraudulent spam, and a tax on more legitimate businesses that rely on spam as an advertising method, and a strict legal definition of spam that would ensure no innocent person was prosecuted or taxed."

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#95: Painful Prices Paid At The Pump [Aljerfribish; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Commuters are complaining about the ongoing rise in gas prices, causing a massive debate in the government about what should be done.

The Debate
1. "Who cares about a few trees?" says oil executive @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Gas prices are six @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ per gallon, and rising! There is lots of oil to be found in areas currently protected as parks! Solving our energy needs is more important than conserving the environment. Just give us permission to go in there and start drilling, and gas prices will plummet!"

2. "There are other ways to recover from the fossil fuel crisis besides ruining forests," says environmental activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We shouldn't just take the short way out and drill here. I suggest spending more money on public transportation systems and encouraging people to carpool - if people weren't so reliant on fossil fuel powered cars, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, and if we start using less oil, the price will drop with the demand."

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#96: Water Supply Problems Becoming A Major Drain [Calvin n Hobbes; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Due to the explosive population growth in @@NAME@@, coupled with recent droughts, people are beginning to worry about the nation's decreasing water supply, and who should get first dibs on the vital H2O.

The Debate
1*. "We need this water to raise our crops," says incensed farmer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If it wasn't for us farmers, the rest of @@NAME@@ would be starving. How about laying the blame where it belongs, and look to those cookie cutter suburban houses with their green lawns and pristinely washed mini-vans!" [Must have cars]

2*. "We need this water to raise our crops," says incensed farmer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If it wasn't for us farmers, the rest of @@NAME@@ would be starving. How about laying the blame where it belongs, and look to those cookie cutter suburban houses with their green lawns and pristinely-washed fancy carriages!" [Must not have cars]

3. "It is my right to have the most beautiful lawn in the neighborhood," says neighborhood spokesman @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Our community spends a lot of effort cultivating a nice environment for our kids to grow up in. Why, if they didn't have these nice lawns to play in, they would be hanging out on street corners peddling drugs, or worse! Won't someone please think of the children?"

4. "Here is a novel idea," proclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, spokesperson for radical environmental group Leave Nature Alone. "How about getting rid of all these dams and irrigation projects that are getting in the way of Mother Nature's plans for the water. It is time to allow the rivers to take their natural courses and leave the environment alone. I'm sure things will work out fine if we let Nature take its course."

5. "Obviously, who gets how much water is only a part of the problem," notes famed population-control advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We must try to curtail the rapid growth of our population, whether by limiting the amount of children people may have, or by deporting immigrants and criminals... we must get a handle on our population before we can hope to correct this water supply problem."

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#97: Landfills Filling Up [Edolia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After claims of two-headed @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ being seen near the numerous landfills of @@NAME@@, there have been calls for the government to act.

The Debate
1. "Look at that thing!" wails famous environmentalist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, pointing at one of @@NAME@@'s largest dumps. "It's an eyesore, a pollutant, and a damn disgrace! What we need to do is get everyone recycling their waste! What we have left we can shoot into space in specially-made space shuttles and we'll never have to think about it again! Sure it'll be expensive, but considering the benefits to the great outdoors, I think we should consider it."

2. "Ah, the expense!" moans @@RANDOM_NAME@@, government economist. "Do you have any idea what that would cost?! A much better way of dealing with this waste is to burn it and use the energy it produces to power @@NAME@@'s big cities. There may be a few side-effects on the environment, but with all the cheap power coming in who would care?"

3. "Oh come now," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a nearby suburbanite. "There's no need to bring all the pollution into the cities! These dumps can get a whole lot bigger you know. Just keep piling the rubbish on and we can use them as tourist attractions or something. People will flock to see how high they can climb our artificial mountains! If we run out of space, just knock down a few forests. No one will notice."

4. "You're all missing the real solution," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the '@@NAME@@ First!' society. "Why should we bother building landfills at all? I'm sure that there are plenty of less-fortunate countries out there who would be more than happy to take our litter in return for some cash."

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#98: Police Want More Than Shiny Badge [Hata-alla; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After a police officer was forced to apprehend a criminal with nothing more than a tin of beans, there has been an outcry for better equipment.

The Debate
1. "It's outrageous," says Chief Constable @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This horrible situation could have been sorted out a lot faster if we had had the right equipment! Even the poorest criminals can buy better arms than us! We need more funds - and if that means felons need to pay up in fines to cover our costs, then so be it!"

2. "I agree with my friend here," says zealous lance-corporal @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But let's go further. Let's create a new anti-crime group with special training and expensive - er - extensive new equipment! That would make the criminals think twice before breaking the law! Especially if our new forces can shoot miscreants at first sight without messing around with time-consuming trials."

3. "Hey, hey!" cries anti-gun protester, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You can't be serious! Weapons kill! Everyone knows that if there were no weapons there'd be no criminals; and if there are no criminals, we won't need to waste valuable government funds on the police! In fact, I say we should go as far as doing away with them altogether! I don't see them doing anything useful anyway, except try to stop our demonstrations! Ban guns! Ban the police! Live for a better tomorrow!"

4. "You have to be joking," scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, looking up from Buxom Lasses with Big Guns magazine. "If we ban guns, only criminals will be armed. That's no solution. Instead we should completely loosen up restrictions on guns, and then upstanding citizens can fight crime themselves."

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#99: We Need Cash, Sharpish, Say Librarians [Os Cosia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Ailing libraries have appealed to the government for a much-needed injection of funds.

The Debate
1. "Our libraries are in a dreadful state," says distressed librarian, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This year we had to cancel our subscription to 'Playboy' and over half of our shelves are stacked with pamphlets from the Pizzeria across the road. We need more books and better standards. If there were more perks in this job then maybe we'd get some decent employees! If it needs a whole lot of government funds to pay for it all then so be it!"

2. "Now hold it right there!" says manager of the local MEGA-BOOKS store, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I employ twenty-four people and we are dependent upon people paying us money to buy books, magazines and newspapers from my store. How can you even think about giving our tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to these people so they can put us out of business? 'Course poor people won't be able to afford our wares but they'd only use them for fires or somethin'. Let our libraries die."

3. "I'm all for giving our libraries more money," says Education Minister, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But we certainly shouldn't just let them spend it however they please. We need an elected board to oversee all purchases and acquisitions made by our library system, promoting educational literature and keeping out smut. That way we can keep nudity out of the hands of children. We can make sure none of those political satires and newspapers that insult our government affect the weak-minded amongst us too. Then our libraries will be something to be proud of."

[4]. "Great Scot! I've got it!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your science advisor. "Why do we need these brick and mortar buildings anyway? Let's just scan all these books, newspapers and magazines onto the internet and then we can fire all those expensive librarians with their pensions and healthcare benefits. Think of the money we'd save if we didn't have to print everything! Sure it'll be tough on the librarians and those with no computers but hey, this is the future and they are the past." [Must have internet]

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#100: Road Rage Rampage [SatanSpermSpawn; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Due to the ever-increasing traffic on @@NAME@@'s highways, commuter tempers are flaring, leading to an increase in road rage related accidents. A recent case in which a very impatient driver attacked and seriously injured a slow driver has brought the subject rapidly to the highest levels of the government.

The Debate
1. "The problem is that our highway system is sorely in need of an overhaul," claims social commentator @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "@@NAME@@'s highways were constructed with a far smaller number of cars in mind, and we've exceeded that traffic load by a substantial amount, resulting in traffic jams. Traffic jams lead to impatience, impatience leads to anger, anger leads to road rage, and road rage leads to violence. We need to expand the freeway system by adding more lanes to relieve the traffic congestion."

2. "You add new lanes, even MORE people will drive, putting us right back at square one!" counters @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of @@NAME@@'s public transportation committee. "Instead of throwing tons of money at a short-term solution, why not spend it on improving bus and rail service and encouraging carpooling? Oh, and get more highway patrol officers to crack down on these violent drivers who pose safety threats to the rest of us."

3. "*BLEEP!* that *BLEEP!*" Catherine Gratwick yells at the top of her lungs from the window of her very large pickup truck with a gun rack mounted in the rear window. "The government should just *BLEEP!*ing stay out of our daily *BLEEP!*ing drive! They ought to let us *BLEEP!*ing rushed businesspeople go about our daily *BLEEP!*ing business, no matter what *BLEEP!*ing measures we have to take to get to *BLEEP!*ing work on time!"

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:48 am

#101: Tiara Sign Of Oppression, Declare Feminists [The Prelapsarian State; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s upcoming hosting of a major international beauty pageant has upset some citizens concerned about the message it puts across.

The Debate
1. "These beauty pageants are a disgrace to women everywhere!" shouts feminist campaigner, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They objectify the female body and re-enforce negative stereotyping! They celebrate the appearance instead of the personality! What message is this sending out to our children? Do we want them to think shallowness and vanity are virtues? Ban beauty contests! We must focus the education of our progeny on ethics and equality or suffer the consequences!"

*2. "I agree that the pageants should be banned," pontificates renowned moralist, the Ever So Slightly Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But purely in the name of moral decency! All those fashion stores that sponsor these contests make lots of money from this blasphemy and that is just plain wrong! These women wear revealing clothing that seek to entice and seduce young men. As such, we should go a step further, and institute a dress code! Long, plaid skirts for the girls, with necklines that never drop below the base of the neck! Only then will the women of our nation be cleansed of sin!" [Must lean towards being religious]

*3. "I agree that the pageants should be banned," pontificates renowned moralist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, author of Girls Just Want to Have Functional Apparel. "But purely in the name of decency! All those fashion stores that sponsor these contests make lots of money from this impropriety and that is just plain wrong! These women wear revealing clothing that seek to entice and seduce young men. As such, we should go a step further, and institute a dress code! Long, plaid skirts for the girls, with necklines that never drop below the base of the neck! Only then will the women of our nation be women we can be proud of!" [Must lean towards being secular]

4. "What in the name of all that's decent and good are you talking about?" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the egalitarian civil rights movement 'Everyone Is Equal, Dammit'. "Obviously these pageants will always be sexist unless they're open to everyone. Admiring women only for their beauty is an insult to their intelligence and the beauty of men! It's dually sexist! Open up the pageant to both sexes!"

5. "Agh, no, no boys please, let's just host the pageant as is, alright?" implores Catherine Gratwick, one of @@NAME@@'s most celebrated models. "No matter what you people think, appearance is important! Mine allows me to pay for all the dresses I want! So no, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling kids that you can make money from being pretty. In fact, I think beauty contests should be held at schools every year!"

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#102: For Whom The Road Tolls [Ta Kala; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A group of transport analysts have suggested that a charge of five @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ a day for vehicular access to @@NAME@@'s most congested inner-cities during peak hours is the only way to solve their ever-growing traffic problem.

The Debate
1. "Similar schemes have been very effective elsewhere," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, @@NAME@@'s most infamous traffic warden. "It's common sense that the best way to curb dangerously high demand is to raise the price of the supply - or, as in this case, to create a price. Charging citizens to go into more congested areas could, combined with the improvements to public transport it will finance, actually make people choose public transport over their cars. I don't see why people shouldn't pay tax for a little less traffic on our roads."

2. "These tolls are a preposterous idea," argues road lobbyist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Public transport will never replace the car - I don't want to be forced to share my space with a bunch of malodorous working-class people on my way to work. Not that I would be, because I could afford the charge, but really, it's the principle of the matter! The only solution is to expand urban road networks. True, some pavements and green spots would have to go, but those pedestrians should be able to put up with that if they're to expect @@NAME@@ to be part of the modern world."

3. "Allowing cars to scoot around and pollute our cities was a bad idea in the first place," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a famous environmentalist. "The solution is to abolish private motor transport whilst funding a major urban public transport scheme. Our buses and undergrounds could be the envy of the world! Yes, the car companies will suffer, and yes, there'll be a bit more tax, but wouldn't it be worth it for a bit of fresh air and safe streets for the children?"

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#103: Plague Of The Hybrids! [Serenthis; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Angry farmers have taken to the streets demanding the government to act after reported sightings of strange @@ANIMAL@@-like dogs eating all the crops in fields.

The Debate
1. "This unholy union should never have taken place to begin with," comments @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an angry farmer. "The @@ANIMAL@@ was never meant to mate with a dog! They eat my crops, they attack my livestock and they're breeding so quickly they're swamping the environment! We can't make a living like this! You've got to give us the funds and manpower to shoot anything that comes within a mile of our property and put an end to these freaks of nature! We must wipe these creatures out now or before you know it all we'll be eating is fish."

2. "We can't just destroy these creatures!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of @@NAME@@'s biggest safari park. "They may look ugly to you, but I think they're just beautiful. We need to study them and understand them; think of what we could learn! These wonderful beasts may be a little harmful to the environment, but think of the people who will flock to see them! It would be an educational experience! Think of the money!"

3. "We could always just kill off all the dogs," @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the "Keep The Species Pure" foundation whispers to you in a conversation. "The @@ANIMAL@@ is one of the many things our country is famous for; any perversion of its image reflects upon us all! We can't have their image spoilt by these ugly abominations! Just get the police to go around and kill them all and we can rest easy knowing our countryside is safe!

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#104: Public Loudspeakers Shrill With Controversy [Alpha Centauri; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A recent poll on putting up huge loudspeakers in @@NAME@@'s cities for public government broadcasts has been brought to your attention.

The Debate
1. "This idea is brilliant, and @@NAME@@ can't afford to pass it up," claims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Safety. "These loudspeakers can assure the public that the government is always here to help them. The potential here, to immediately warn citizens of an emergency such as an earthquake or a stampede of @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ or something, simply must be taken into account! This could save lives! And I suppose, when there isn't anything the citizens need to be told, you could always use them to broadcast patriotic messages like '@@SLOGAN@@' and inform the good people which party to join and vote for with newsbriefs and such. It'll be worth it to strengthen the populace's devotion to our glorious nation!"

2. "I think people need to realise what this really is: brainwashing!" retorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a wealthy marketer. "I don't want to hear all this flag-waving hogwash every time I go out for a walk. But when it comes to emergencies, I do agree that something should be done to warn everyone: we should send out messages on mandatory minature radios that you can carry in your pocket. It could tell you things you need to know too, like what shoes to buy and such."

3. "To be honest, I can't see why we should put up with advertising at all," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an anti-business protester. "All it is is some multi-billionaire or politician somewhere trying to make even more money while the rest of us struggle to make ends meet. I say we ban it. Maybe the economy will suffer a little and some people may lose jobs but that's just a minor side-effect really, especially when you consider that no longer will our children be encouraged to fill themselves with junk-food because some guy on the telly tells them it's cool!"

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#105: Compensation Culture Must End, Say Corporations [Zhudor; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After a recent spate of high-profile lawsuits against corporations concerning the safety of their products, corporations have appealed to the government to change the laws of compensation.

The Debate
1. "It's crazy!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Sharp 'n' Pointy Things Incorporated. "These people should simply not be allowed to put the blame on us if they mindlessly abuse our products! I'd have thought it would be common sense not to stick your hand in a blender to 'see if it was working properly'. We need to outlaw these ridiculous lawsuits so I can get on with my business and those working in the law profession can get on with theirs."

2. "I'm almost inclined to agree," muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a nearby firefighter. "People really should know better than to dry their cats in the microwave oven. But it's also that microwave oven that should not start a fire if one leaves it running overnight. Let's just put higher national safety standards in place that all products must be certified to meet. The extra expense shouldn't worry people if it's the difference between life and death after all."

3. "There's nothing wrong with victims getting a little money for the damage they've suffered," claims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a notorious lawyer. "In fact we should be increasing court capacities so everyone with a complaint to file won't have to wait long before they can get before a judge. Sure it'll be expensive to implement, but maybe then the manufacturers will think twice before selling their unsafe junk without explaining things clearly in the manuals!"

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#106: Give The Red Light District The Green Light? [Lmaortfmolia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After a recent survey discovered that nearly 40% of all citizens in @@NAME@@ are single, there has been an increasingly loud call for the legalisation of prostitution.

The Debate
1. "I just can't get a girl no matter what I do," laments acne-afflicted nerd, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If the cops would just look the other way about prostitution, it'd make my life much easier. Yeah, I'd be risking all sorts of diseases, but it's my body isn't it?"

2. "We can't allow this to happen!" protests Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, senior pathologist of @@NAME@@'s largest hospital. "Prostitution is a dangerous business and must remain illegal! People need to be more aware of the consequences that could follow like the risk of contracting HIV, chlamydia, or even syphilis. I say we get some funding for a large awareness programme on sexually transmitted diseases and maybe then people will act responsibly between the covers. It'll be expensive sure, but well worth it."

3. "Not so fast now!" interjects daring entrepreneur, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Why don't we just have the prostitution industry run by the government? By letting the government regulate prostitution, @@NAME@@ can force any patrons to undergo tests for diseases, make prostitutes have regular medical check-ups and pay a portion of their profits to the government. Of course we'd still have to put more policemen on the streets to keep illegal brothels from popping up and make sure the hospitals are equipped to handle the extra workload, but you can always raise taxes to account for that."

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#107: Private Lab Holds @@NAME@@'s Sick To Ransom [Silverbrook; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Scientists at a private medical research laboratory have announced that they have produced a drug which will combat @@NAME@@'s most notorious malady - Spon Plague.

The Debate
1. "This pill is the only known and unknown cure for the Spon Plague!" proclaims Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the inventor of the cure. "But if we are to go ahead with the production of this drug, we must get some government support. We're set to make a fortune from this drug - the money we earn will help us develop even more cures for other as-yet untreatable diseases. Some people won't be able to afford it of course, but hard cheese on them: they should have got a paying job while they were still capable."

2. "That's a disgraceful way to think!" says equal rights activist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "So the people who need the most help shouldn't get any? I propose that the government subsidises the production of all drugs so everyone can benefit from them, rich or not! That way the money-hungry corporations won't profit from the suffering of the masses. Of course there will be the matter of a small tax rise to fund it - but what's that when lives will be saved?"

[3]. "I can't believe what I'm hearing," deplores well-respected religious leader, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If God didn't want people to have this disease he wouldn't have created it in the first place. This is completely against the will of God and if the government allows this drug to go on sale we will all be doomed to an afterlife in a dark and fiery place! Now let's end this madness and abolish the production of pharmaceuticals and drugs altogether!" [Must have Atheism]

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#108: Gambling Interests Offer High Stakes [New Sweden X; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
In light of @@NAME@@'s ban on gambling, people ranging from angry homemakers to allegedly legitimate businessmen have been arguing incessantly about whether or not banning casinos was a good idea.

The Debate
1. "We are highly distressed at your decision to revoke our casino licences," says FamilyCorp. Representative 'Fat Tony', sipping a glass of fine wine. "If the ban were to be revoked, think of all the money you could get from your cut of the profit. In addition, it would help ensure the safety of assorted members of @@NAME@@'s government. I think this is an offer that you should not refuse."

2. "These casinos cannot be allowed to reopen!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an ex-gambling addict. "Remember what happened last time? People get out of control and lose their life's savings! Just say no to these so-called legitimate businesses! And crack down on the rest of organized crime while you're at it."

3. "There is a solution to this problem," says Native @@NAME@@ite chief Dances-With-@@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@. "You could let us front the casinos as payback for stealing our land, and we'll enforce age limits and pay some tax on the income these casinos generate. Just think of the jobs it could create for us, and the boost to the economy!"

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#109: Karate Kids Cause Controversy [Yarrum; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Free, youth-orientated martial arts programmes have gained popularity in communities where youth crime is a problem.

The Debate
1. "What better way to keep kids off of the streets?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a professional judo instructor. "It's fun, good exercise and gives an invaluable insight into our nation's culture! Judo teaches personal balance, and it improves the health of both mind and body. But self-defence programmes like mine will need government funding to really make a difference - surely the public wouldn't mind paying a little more tax to put an end to the gangs of yobs prowling the streets?"

2. "It's a good idea, but it's not taking it far enough!" declares General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, after ranting about 'kids these days'. "If we could conscript these hoodlums into the army, we'd be able to put their skills to good use. No one would mess with @@NAME@@ if we had a butt-kickin' karate unit on the battlefield! It may be a little expensive, but we can just take money out of the education budget since these kids will be under our tuition. Their families may not be happy about it, but remember this: these young lads will be getting to do something which is the envy of every hot-blooded citizen - fight for their country against blood-sucking foreigners!"

3. "This is ridiculous!" comments police officer, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Teach junior thugs how to fight? Good idea, why don't we teach them how to make bombs out of duct-tape and cheese next? I say we ban this archaic mode of combat which only serves to encourage these punks in their violent ways, and introduce more government funding for the police force! With more cash we could really show the little blighters what discipline's all about."

4. "Discipline? Oh heavens no, our lives are already too restricted by the iron cage of rules and policing," says unorthodox youth pastor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, seen weaving a basket from blades of grass. "Our young people need to reconnect with the spirit within, and the best way to do that is to be one with nature and appreciate the bounty all around us. Redirect some of those police funds to my summer camps, and then youths can learn how to live freely and simply by crafting their own supplies from scratch."

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#110: Too Low On Laws, Say Citizens [Kandarin; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Various opinions have been brought to your attention over what your closest advisors are referring to as the 'anarchy situation'.

The Debate
1. "We've got to do something about this chaos!" yells General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, firing a rifle at a band of armed looters. "There's no order in this country! No one is safe! We must rebuild the army and crack down on the militant groups ravaging our fair land! It's the only way we will ever return the cesspit of crime and depravity @@NAME@@ has become to a land of law and order!"

2. Returning fire, both figuratively and literally, is @@RANDOM_NAME@@, biker gang leader and anarchist: "That there's anyone claiming to be a government is ludicrous. People should be allowed to determine their own fate and survival without fear of breaking these inhibiting laws! All government officials should be removed at once, and all government departments stripped of all funding, if this country is ever to become well and truly 'equal'!"

3. "I've got a different idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your minister of commerce, speaking from his hiding place under a desk. "Television viewers in more developed countries actually like seeing gratuitous violence. We could put up cameras in some of the more dangerous streets and sell the broadcasting rights to foreign networks. It could raise awareness of our situation, or at the very least rake in some @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@. The money could be used to fund a more organised police system to enforce the law."

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#111: Southern @@NAME@@ Demands Semi-Autonomy [Ceroo; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Politicians from a distant and obscure part of @@NAME@@ have been calling for the government to split @@NAME@@ into various semi-autonomous regions, each with an elected council to govern their designated area.

The Debate
1. "The government is too centralised," complains rural villager, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We get these big-city politicians making rulings that affect our way of life, when they have absolutely no idea what our way of life is! One of them even suggested that farmers should be banned from picking crops in case they disturbed the local wildlife! What we need are various councils to govern their own part of @@NAME@@, giving us the chance to have our say on laws affecting our area. It'll bring politics to the people! Of course this will require the implementation of a council tax to fund it all, but if that's the cost of more political freedom, then so be it!"

2. "Councils? Are you mad?" gasps political commentator, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Most of the politicians we already have earn very large sums each year - and you want to employ even more?! We must not listen to the whims of some dangerous separatist movement; next they'll be wanting independence! I suggest we keep the government in one place where we can keep an eye on it and stop creating more jobs for over-paid politicians. Heck, why not trim off the ones we don't need while we're at it and give some leeway to the taxpayers? Anyway, if we allowed places like West @@NAME@@ to make decisions for themselves, they would soon be introducing laws allowing them to marry their cousins or something - you know what they're like..."

3. "These people are obviously power-hungry lunatics," whispers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your innumerable advisors. "They're simply trying to loosen your grip on the nation! Let's just send anyone who opposes your absolute rule to the gallows and ban elections. We hardly need them when you always know what to do! There may be some protest, but we can just lower taxes and they'll be as happy as clams."

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#112: Put The Phone Down On Cold Calling? [Frigben; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A growing group of @@NAME@@'s citizens are battling for an end to unrequested solicitations from salesmen.

The Debate
1. "This has to stop," says mild-mannered parent @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "My family can't even have dinner without being interrupted at least five times by telemarketers or door-to-door salesmen! My privacy is being invaded! The government ought to ban all forms of unrequested solicitations from salespeople. The sanity of the populace is at stake here!"

2. "This must be a joke," retorts insurance sales solicitor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, in between cold calls. "Telemarketing and door-to-door sales are some of the most effective methods of increasing revenues. Banning them would be a huge blow to business, and put thousands of workers out of their jobs! Let's face the facts - @@NAME@@ needs an economy, and banning cold calls isn't the best of ways to improve it! One way you could improve it would be to, say, give us some government funds. For the sake of @@NAME@@, of course."

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#113: Test Results Deemed 'Ungood' After Global Survey [Der Angst; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
In a worldwide survey, it has been revealed that @@NAME@@'s population has been graded 'dim' by international comparison.

The Debate
1. "These results are terrible!" wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a concerned teacher. "Something has to be done, and done quickly, if anyone's going to take today's youth seriously. It's high time we started to promote our gifted children; it is they who are the ones that bring us forward! The rest of today's youth shouldn't worry though, a basic education should be enough for a factory worker."

2. "This is indeed a problem, and I believe it's a result of the social inequality in @@NAME@@," comments @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a well-known social reformer. "It is obvious that students from different social classes will score differently in the tests. We can't condemn all these kids to a life of inferiority because of a gifted minority. Instead we should make sure that everyone can follow the lessons! Lower the teaching level, so that even the less intellectually-orientated can keep up with the class. The nerds can always teach themselves; it would be unfair to provide them with extra funds after all."

3. "This is stupid, it would ruin our nation's population of skilled workers!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a college professor. "There's never enough able-minded citizens for the more specialised careers. We must force our less-intelligent to learn! Get their noses right against the grindstone! Let's raise the bar a bit so even our best students have to sweat whilst learning! The others will of course be forced to learn even more to keep in touch, but that just shows them how real life works. To fund it, well, our defence budget is already too large, if you ask me."

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#114: Wipe Out Graffiti? [Gelvanie; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Citizens all over @@NAME@@ have been petitioning for firmer action on public graffiti.

The Debate
*1. "It's a disgrace!" declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, middle class and proud of it. "I can't even go downtown without seeing these hideous eyesores debasing the streets! We need to arrest the scumbags at the root of this, lock them up, and teach them a jolly good lesson! More policemen on the beat should do the ticket, even if it does require a slight augmentation in taxes!" [Must have prisons]

*2. "It's a disgrace!" declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, middle class and proud of it. "I can't even go downtown without seeing these hideous eyesores debasing the streets! We need to arrest the scumbags at the root of this, force them to clean every bit of paint off every wall, and teach them a jolly good lesson! More policemen on the beat should do the ticket, even if it does require a slight augmentation in taxes!" [Must not have prisons]

3. "I don't see what's so bad," comments @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a famous art critic. "This is urban art at its finest. It's vibrant, colourful, and simply reeks of culture! Just look at the form displayed in this string of racist expletives! Wonderful. Simply wonderful. I think we should really be encouraging these budding Rembrandts, not putting them down! I say we legalise it, in the name of culture!"

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#115: @@NAME@@'s Schoolchildren Not Learning The Lingua Franca [Travis Dominicus; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After a recent national survey revealed that almost three-quarters of the population only know the primary language of @@NAME@@, there have been rising calls for the government to take action.

The Debate
1. "Fluency in foreign languages is imperative to education," says Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of @@CAPITAL@@ University. "Learning a new tongue not only gives a child a practical, marketable skill, but also encourages compassion and understanding of foreign cultures. With so many nations in the world, I do insist that we increase government funding in these areas and make it a compulsory part of the curriculum. As we say in Ancient Maxtopian: froggug sederty bungo-bungo!"

2. "To be frank, the need for outsiders' speak doesn't appeal to me in the slightest!" claims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a fierce patriot. "Making our children learn these languages is an affront to the basic civil rights of @@NAME@@! What's more, this will encourage those damn foreigners to come here and take our jobs! I for one, will not stand for it! We can drop that area of education; it'll give us tax payers a bit of a breather for once. I've always said that we don't need any others but our own!"

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#116: Soda Sales Hits New 'High' [Foe Hammer; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After waning sales, the well-established soda company 'Eckie-Ecola' has appealed to the government for the right to use powerful mind-altering drugs in their products.

The Debate
1. "It'll be great," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the CEO of Eckie-Ecola. "Nice 'n' happy floating feelings all in a can, and all for just one @@CURRENCY@@! It's not the healthiest drink I admit, but what people want to do with their bodies is their own business. If you ban this beverage, you're only denying the citizens of their right to be exposed to the true hallucenogenic experience!"

2. "This can't go ahead," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a nurse at one of @@NAME@@'s hospitals. "Drugs are, and always will be, one of the greatest threats to the nation's physical and mental health! My job's hard enough as it is without having the wards overrun by patients who were stupid enough to drink the damned stuff. The distribution of drugs must be strictly controlled by the government and kept for medicinal uses."

3. "If you ask me," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, from behind a cloud of smoke. "We should just let everyone have drugs for free! If the government legalised and subsidised all these 'bad' drugs and gave 'em out to everyone, all our problems would be solved! There'd be no more drug traffickers, or thugs robbing old ladies to feed their addictions! 'Course there'd be a bit of a detrimental effect healthwise and to the drug industries, but the beauty of it all is that everyone will be too doped up to care!"

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#117: Stop The Suits, Say Surgeons [Ravenspire; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Recently, medical insurance premiums across the nation have been skyrocketing following several highly-publicised medical-malpractice lawsuits, making it even costlier than ever to get treatment. Doctors are asking the government to step in.

The Debate
1. "These lawsuits are driving up the price of medical insurance," complains Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I'm losing customers - patients, I mean - and it's becoming increasingly difficult for doctors like me to do our jobs without worrying about being bankrupted by some kid who didn't like the hospital food. Everyone makes mistakes. Look at politicians, they make them all the time and do they get fired? No. We must outlaw the medical-malpractice lawsuits undermining our healthcare system!"

2. "All that these doctors are interested in is saving their own necks," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of 'I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm!'. "They were negligent in the course of their work and are unwilling to pay the price. I mean, how do you perform a heart transplant on the wrong guy unless you're not paying attention? I for one think that our citizens deserve better from the healthcare service, and if doctors cause damage, they should pay for it. It's that simple. If some decent doctors get caught up in it, then it's surely their own fault for not being careful enough?"

3. "The problem is capitalism," insists @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while trying to burn a @@CURRENCY@@ with a lighter. "The doctors are only trying to help their patients, and those class traitors at the insurance industry are only trying to make a profit out of people's misery on those rare occasions when things go wrong. I say we outlaw the insurance industry and then the good doctors will be safe while the bad ones go out of business. Everyone wins! Apart from the insurance people, I guess."

4. "The problem certainly is capitalism," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a famed socialist. "But outlawing the insurance industry will not solve the main problem: the healthcare system itself! It's disgusting! I've seen paramedics check wallets before injuries! We must introduce a national health service and put some healthy investment into medical colleges, hospitals, and the likes. Then we'll have an over-abundance of competent doctors! The insurance industry won't be able to raise a finger to it and the citizens won't have to pay for treatment. Except through tax, of course."

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#118: Need For Speed? [Atlantic Rim; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After watching the movie 'The Fast and the Belligerent', boyracers from all over @@NAME@@ have been petitioning for the abolition of speed limits.

The Debate
1. "Today's cars are safer at high speeds than ever before," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, editor of Sports Car Monthly. "And long-distance commuters are tired of spending hours on the road just to get to the next city. Abolishing the speed limit would be great for the economy too! People would be more likely to go out and buy cars if they thought they'd be able to use them properly. It seems like such a shame to be puttering along at the speed limit in a magnificent car like the 450HP twin-turbo @@ANIMAL@@ SX/T-7700 you know."

2. "Are you crazy?" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a road-accident victim. "We need lower speed limits on automobiles, not higher. You might as well enforce mandatory blindfolds on the road too, it'll come to the same conclusion! People's lives are at stake here! If people were made to drive at, say, no faster than fifty kilometres per hour, I would feel a lot happier walking the streets. Besides, if it takes a long time to get places via car then people might begin using mass transit for once."

3. "I think the current speed limits are fine, but we need better enforcement," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the most feared traffic warden in @@NAME@@. "If we required GPS tracking devices in all vehicles, we'd ticket every single speeder, no problem. In addition, we could monitor the movements of criminals and other suspicious individuals, and vastly reduce the risk of crime, terrorism, and other subversive activity. Some say that's an invasion of privacy, but if you've done nothing wrong what's there to fear?"

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#119: Watershed Down? [New Cyprus; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
An anonymous society of 'cinematic aficionados' have brought the debate over the proposed disposal of the watershed, the hour after which adult material is allowed to be shown on television, to your attention.

The Debate
1. "We don't need a watershed!" scoffs 'romantic-movie' buff, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I don't see why I should wait 'til way past midnight to watch my preferred film genre. It's high time that parents stopped treating their children like... well, children! If you sugar-coat these kids' lives, they'll just end up seeing everything through rose-tinted glasses - and we can't have a country filled with spoilt brats now, can we?"

2. "This is an endorsement of bad taste if ever I saw it," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a child-care worker. "It's just wrong to subject children to graphic violence and nudity on afternoon television like this: who knows what it might possess them to do? We've all heard stories of kids who have seen some film where someone jumped off a cliff and then gone off to have a shot themselves. We must ban all violent and salacious material from our TV screens. If only to protect the innocence of our progeny!"

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#120: Two Parties For Too Long? [Ren Yi; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Representatives of several minor political parties have joined their voices to object to stiff ballot access requirements.

The Debate
1. "Two-party politics is squeezing the life out of democracy in @@NAME@@," laments @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the Pragmatic Radical Party. "The Liberal Conservatives and Progressive Traditionalists have a monopoly on public policy - or duopoly, whatever you want to call it. The point is that there's hardly any difference between them, and their chokehold on the electoral process lets hacks and crooks stay in office forever. Ballot access rules must be loosened so we can give the voters a truly democratic choice."

2. "People are afraid to support 'third' parties because they're afraid of seeing the 'bad guys' get elected," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a ballot stastician. "But if we changed the system to allow preferential voting, where you can have your votes divvied up among your other candidates if your favourite doesn't recieve a certain number of votes, then that wouldn't be a problem. Then you could let as many parties as you wanted into the game. Deserving candidates wouldn't be harmed - they'd win! Maybe a few radicals would get through, but that just proves what a great system it is!"

3. "What ever happened to 'one man, one vote'?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairperson of the Liberal Conservative National Committee. "Changing the rules will just let all sorts of crackpots clog up the ballot and overwhelm voters with names they don't recognise - this will draw attention and support away from legitimate candidates! How do you expect the nation to function properly if the government doesn't have public support? Oh, and by the way, the Liberal Conservative Party presents a VERY clear alternative to the destructive agenda of the Progressive Traditionalists, and I'll wallop anyone who says otherwise."

4. "Opposition parties are such a bother," muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your chief of staff. "If we allowed as many of them to be politicians as those fools in the Pragmatic Radical Party want, it would be very hard on the tax payers - and our own position in power. If we re-wrote the election rules so that a party had to reapply for recognition every time it failed to win a certain number of votes, we could knock our opposition out of the ring for good! Hey, the voters have spoken, and they asked for us. I think that just about settles it, don't you?"

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#121: A Uniform Plan For @@NAME@@'s Students? [Scheelia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A random PTA meeting has brought the debate over school uniforms to your attention.

The Debate
1. "I think uniforms are great," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Education during a cabinet meeting. "They instill a sense of community within our schools which lowers crime - and the pupils can go about their daily business without having to worry about being browbeaten by their classmates for not wearing the latest trainers. @@NAME@@ simply cannot do without them. If the children don't like them, then hard cheese."

2. "Dude, your plan stinks," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of The Students Union. "Our clothing is part of who we are; it lets us express ourselves just by passing someone in the corridor. To say we must wear these inhibiting uniforms is an affront to our personal freedom! So back off with the uniforms, dude, students should be allowed to go to school dressed however they like. Or not dressed, if that's their style."

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#122: Pensioners In Protest [Emperor Matthuis; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Falling standards at @@NAME@@'s retirement homes have prompted OAPs to take to the streets and demand better treatment.

The Debate
1. "There needs to be more done for the elderly," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a resident of 'This Old Man' retirement home. "We can't work to support ourselves anymore, and the pensions we get are measly. We need more benefits such as higher standards of living, free bus tickets, and a continuous supply of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@. All it requires is a little more generosity on the part of the tax payers - after all, we fought the war for their sort."

2. "I'm not giving any of my hard-earned wages to a bunch of old fossils," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a devout taxpayer. "If they weren't smart enough to save enough money for their later years, then why should the government pay out for them now? They had their chance and they didn't take it. If they really want money so bad, they can go out and work for it like everyone else."

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#123: Now, Vat's Food For Thought [Tahar Joblis; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After recent leaps and bounds in biomedical research, scientists have revealed 'vat-grown tissue', provoking wild controversy over its possible medical - and culinary - uses.

The Debate
1. "There is absolutely nothing wrong that has been done here," claims one of the researchers, Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Vat-grown cloned tissue is extremely versatile when producing organs for transplantation, and knit my booties if it's not the tastiest and most nutritionally-balanced thing around! Beats me why anyone could be against it."

2. "It's shocking and appalling that we could even consider adding vat-grown meat to the menu," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ III, the one-armed descendant of a long line of devout vegetarians. "But, on the other hand, we have been waiting for this major medical breakthrough for a long time. Imagine it - no more waiting lists for transplants! This will be of enormous benefit to the healthcare sector. I just think we should draw the line at eating the stuff."

3. "By all means, legalise vat-grown meat!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a masterchef. "Some people say that it's wrong to grow these creatures just to kill them, but that's ridiculous. Cattle breeders in other countries are doing it all the time! So get rid of this mad compulsory vegetarianism law because eating meat is not wrong. What's wrong is making them for spare bodyparts. Do I want a piece of me to have been grown? In a VAT? No. It's disgustin'. Besides, it'll raise the cost of my insurance."

*4. "This is all abhorrent and aberrant!" declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the High H'gradskas of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Unorthodox Church. "You can't just create meat. It's against God's will, and you'll find that pretty much every other religion will back me up on this one. Living things were designed to be born. Or hatched. Or germinated. And then there's mitosis of course, but that's not the point - the point is that there are some things that Men were not meant to meddle with. We should keep well away from the whole cloning business altogether." Must have high religiousness?

*5. "This is all abhorrent and aberrant!" declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, professor from the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ School for the Serious Study of Scientific Stuff. "You can't just create meat. It's against nature, and you'll find that pretty much every academic will back me up on this one. Living things are born. Or hatched. Or germinated. And then there's mitosis of course, but that's not the point - the point is that there are some things that Men were not meant to meddle with. We should keep well away from the whole cloning business altogether." Must have low religiousness?

**6. "That guy has no sense of vision," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Demographics. "Why waste this invention on healthcare or cookery when so much more could be done! Mandate that all new people be grown in vats! Disease will be a thing of the past! When they break, just grow new parts! It adopts the industrial method to population management, something we've needed for a long time. And now that we finally have the right technology, I say we do it!" [???]

**7. "That guy has no sense of vision," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Demographics. "Why waste this invention on healthcare or cookery when so much more could be done! Mandate that all new people be grown in vats! Disease will be a thing of the past! When they break, just grow new parts! It adopts the industrial method to population management, something we've needed for a long time. And now that we finally have the right technology, I say we do it!" [???]

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#124: To Paint Or Not To Paint? [Aoifambia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
An elite group of highly-qualified, well-respected scientists, lawyers, and doctors are campaigning to outlaw the study of the Arts and Humanities in the Universities of @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "Why should Arts students get to lounge around reading books and watching daytime TV for hours on end, when some of our hard-working youngsters are dedicating themselves to the study of worthwhile and valuable subjects; studies which will benefit the nation as a whole?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a student engineer. "We should be grooming our young people to help, not sponge off the system. The Arts should be considered a hobby, not a career."

2. "You can't mean that," gasps Prof. Catherine Gratwick, renowned worldwide for her paintings of trains. "Learning should be done out of love, not duty. The study of the Arts has been a noble field for many centuries, and learning it is not as easy as you think. I'd rather die than live in a world where creativity is stifled. We should be encouraging young artists, writers, musicians - if only to strengthen @@NAME@@'s cultural reputation."

3. "What's the point in allowing most young people to continue in further education anyway?" enquires @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a factory manager. "Surely most students would be better employed in manual and factory work? You should handpick a select few to study medicine, the law, science, and business of course, and utilise the majority of youth to increase the country's productivity in industry. Academic freedom just gets in the way of a functioning society, I've always said."

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#125: Bring Back The Ballot? [Centralis; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Angry crowds formed yesterday around government offices in @@NAME@@, demanding the reinstatement of free and fair elections.

The Debate
1. "Give us the vote!" cries protester @@RANDOM_NAME@@, before hurling another volley of eggs. "It is the right of the many to decide who leads our country, not the few! If we don't get democracy right now, we'll... we'll, uh... we'll throw more eggs, that's what we'll do! Don't say you haven't been warned!"

2. "Elections?! Have they gone quite insane?!" shouts red-faced government hard-liner, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We can't possibly allow that rabble to have such a degree of control over this country! They're never happy! One moment they're demanding democracy, the next they'll be complaining about all the new taxes! If we dropped taxes, you'd find that they'd be much more compliant. And if they're not, we'll get the army to fill 'em full of lead."

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:48 am

#126: Outsourcing An Outrage, Say Demonstrators [Enerica; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
As the nation's unemployment rate skyrockets, citizens have staged a massive protest against corporations outsourcing jobs to poorer nations to take advantage of the lax regulations and cheap labour.

The Debate
1. "This is unacceptable!" decrees @@RANDOM_NAME@@, outspoken representative of the National Union of Telephone-based Salesmen. "Sixteen call-centres round the country have already closed because they found they could get cheaper workers in some country no-one's ever heard of! If businesses are allowed to pack up shop and ship jobs out to other countries, our own people will be unemployed and out on the streets. The government must ban this evil corporate practice immediately!"

2. "Nonsense!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, manager of human resources at Ekin, a popular sportswear company. "Outsourcing jobs to where the labour is cheap means we can slash costs. That means we can have lower prices for the good consumers - uh - citizens of @@NAME@@. There're plenty of other jobs besides factory-working you know, and with the influx of cheaper products they really shouldn't have anything to complain about."

3. "The only reason that companies are so unwilling to stay here is because of the constricting regulations," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a ridiculously wealthy businessman. "Every time my company tries to make a decision, we run up against about a million laws forbidding us from our ventures. Since when has making money been a crime? Allow more economic freedom and companies will be simply flocking to this country. The workers will suffer a bit from losing minimum wage laws, of course, but that's progress for you."

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#127: Aging Concerns In @@NAME@@ [Sirocco; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Fears about the aging population in @@NAME@@ have been raised after it was discovered that nearly a fifth of the population is over 65 years of age and becoming a serious drain on pension funds everywhere.

The Debate
1. "We're going to run out of working age citizens if we don't act fast!" warns @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a government statistician. "Birth rates are down, death rates are down, and the amount of budget spent on pensions has doubled in the last twenty years! We need to put an end to this, quickly and without delay: we must get rid of all the people too old to work anymore... well, except for government officials like you and me of course..."

2. "I can't believe I'm hearing this!" yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a wizened octogenerian. "We have our rights! What utter rubbish about our pensions; I can hardly survive on the paltry number of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ I get each week. If anything, we should get more money. And after the BILLIONS of workhours I put in for @@NAME@@, it's the least the government could do in return."

3. "Well, you know, there is another way," suggests @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, your sleaziest budget analyst. "To appease the elderly lobby, you could increase the pension fund by cutting the healthcare budget. That way higher death rates will compensate for the more generous pensions. In fact, with fewer pensioners to support, slashing healthcare could be the fastest way to build up a budget surplus." She smiles menacingly.

4. "Woah, woah! Talk about hasty decisions here, man," says Kool Kal, one of your more hip advisors. "Just increase the working age to say... ninety-five years old? Then the number of people eligible for a pension is like, dramatically reduced, man. Why? It's 'cos most of them'll be like, six feet under, dude!" He high-fives you. "Funny, ain't it, man?"

5. "There's no need for anything so controversial," posits @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Manager of the Department of Leaver Earnings of Wall To Wall Mart. "If our working age population can't support the pensions our retirees deserve, then clearly we need more workers. There are plenty of talented Maxtopians, Marche Noirians, and Big- well... and lots of Bigtopians too, queueing up to get jobs in this country. If we open our borders to them, we'll have more than enough taxpayers to support elderly @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ well into retirement. Everyone's a winner." [Must not have Immigration]

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#128: Ban The Burka? [Much Benham; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Schools are considering banning all signs of religious affliation to "promote unity amongst students". Minority groups and civil rights activists have expressed their outrage in protests outside parliament.

The Debate
1. Minister for Public Unity and General Goodwill, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, has supported the claim, "This move will encourage students from different cultural and religious backgrounds to mix more freely. Removed of any symbols of difference, barriers of cultural otherness will be transcended and all will feel a sense of shared nationhood, which is what state schools should be encouraging. Social equality is what we're aiming for here. Not controversy."

2. "This is an outrageous proposition!" says shopkeeper @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Everyone should have the right to follow their religion. I organise my store in strict terms of religious and cultural preferences. A Kosher section for the Jews, a "Fish on Fridays" freezer for the Catholics and a vegan section way on the other side of the shop, away from the meat counter for those bald people in the orange robes. Freedom and diversity is what makes our nation great, and if everyone feels that this means they shouldn't integrate then so be it!"

3. "Who needs religion anyway?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Professor of Biology at @@CAPITAL@@ University of Science. "Our nation is swamped in the mumbo-jumbo spouted by these money hungry crackpot evangelists. I say the people should be spared from these wacko delusions of gods and demons. ALL symbols of religion should be removed from ALL public spaces! Now that's what I call freedom."

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#129: Tribal Troubles [Olasonph; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A society of primitive natives have been discovered in the rainforests of @@NAME@@. Various people have approached you with ideas on how the situation should be dealt with.

The Debate
1. "This society should be protected from us!" says anthropologist and Star Trek nut, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Have you ever heard of the prime directive? We must protect cultures from damaging modern influence! It is not our right to go and change the way these people live. Let them be."

*2. "Who says we need to 'preserve' these tribes?" asks Timothy Burre, CEO of 'Loggers & Lumberjacks'. "We should be developing them instead. The local area should be opened up to big business and corporate interests - think of the benefits it will bring to the indigenous people! Medicine, education and modern wonders like the espresso machine! It's time these people were dragged kicking and screaming into the modern world, whether they like it or not." [Must have private industry]

*3. "Who says we need to 'preserve' these tribes?" asks Timothy Burre, State Forestry and Logging Director. "We should be developing them instead. The local area should be opened up to national influence and state industry - think of the benefits it will bring to the indigenous people! Medicine, education and modern wonders like the espresso machine! It's time these people were dragged kicking and screaming into the modern world, whether they like it or not." [Must not have private industry]

4. "These savages are disgraceful," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a senior member of the National Rocket-launcher Association. "I don't see why we should stoop so low as to do business with them. If they're on land we want then we should just take it. It's not even as if it's theirs after all, they just happen to be living there. These people are no better than animals, I say we allow citizens to shoot the lot of them! It'll knock down two birds with one stone!"

5. "The matter is not what we do to this culture, it is whether or not the people who belong to this culture actually want to be a part of that culture!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a student sociologist. "We must stop knocking down rainforests so that the older members of the tribes can stay, yet allow the younger and more idealistic members leave if they wish and join civilisation! Let us make contact and give them the choice! Everyone wins! Except the wood companies o' course."

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#130: Filibuster Bust-Up [The Kennedy Family; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Filibustering, where politicians attempt to keep a debate on new laws going indefinitely, has been plaguing recent attempts to pass bills. Several aged politicians have been orating non-stop throughout three days worth of debating time, stopping any legislation from being passed.

The Debate
1. "This sham of a tactic is totally demolishing our ability to accomplish anything!" complains @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Minister of Ministries. "Who cares if a few old fossils fail to see reason? The majority of the government clearly wants this legislation to pass! Just set a limit on the time a person can speak for; this really is demeaning to the democratic process!"

2. While taking a bathroom break before moving on to read aloud from the phonebook, @@RANDOM_NAME@@ states: "It is a great thing for the minority and the oppressed that our system of government allows the filibuster to be utilised to harness the majority! Let the hills, the mountains, and the valleys reverberate with the sounds of our voices! We will not surrender to this repugnant legislation."

3. "The filibuster is not enough to protect the minority, since they are too afraid of the tyrannical majority to use it," says political commentator, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I suggest that all legislation must require a unanimous vote before it can pass. That way, nobody goes away unhappy."

4. "Why do we need to debate legislature anyway?" questions @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Alternative Solutions, who also happens to be the best friend of your distant cousin. "Everything would be so much more simple if we just decide what to do, and do it. After all, we're the ones who know what's best for @@NAME@@. If the minority parties want to say something, they can submit it in writing."

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#131: Raise Duel Standards, Say Fencers [The Gaelic Freedmen; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A number of well-dressed gentlemen wearing a varied assortment of swords is insisting that they be allowed to settle their private disputes on the field of honourable battle.

The Debate
1. "We must be permitted our inherent right to defend our honour through feats of arms!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a bewigged aristocrat sporting a particularly flamboyant swept-hilt rapier. "The right to duel is one found throughout history for the honourable settling of disputes and I must insist that my right to fight be recognised! The world would be so much better if we were permitted to sort out conflicts of interest through trial by combat."

2. "Swords? Heavens, what dreadful things. All sharp and pointy - quite dangerous, you know," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an ardent pacifist. "Duelling ought to be banned! The best way to settle these kind of arguments are through judicially-supervised mediation, we all know that. If we go ahead with what these duelling nutters want then innocent people will die! It will be a sad day when people value money more than justice. Apart from lawyers, obviously."

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#132: World Assembly Woes [Sanctaria; ed: Frisbeeteria]

The Issue
After a very popular domestic bill was shot down due to contradicting existing World Assembly legislation on a similar subject, the @@CAPITAL@@ Observer organized a national poll among subscribers. Leaders of the 'National Sovereignty' and 'International Federalist' camps are meeting in your office to argue their case.

The Debate
1. "Micromanagement, micromanagement, MICROMANAGEMENT!!!" your Minister for Domestic Affairs shouts, banging his fists on your table. "Those buffoons are seriously overreaching their authority! Every resolution that infernal Assembly passes is an attack on our ability to pass our own legislation! We can't, and shouldn't, have nations full of fools ignorant to our way of life make our decisions for us. We'd be better off without that godforsaken snakepit ... we MUST resign from the World Assembly."

2. "Think of the CHILDREN", cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Foreign Minister. "Membership in the World Assembly is vital if @@NAME@@ is to ensure that countries across the multiverse adopt a way of living that is right! I shudder to think of the awfulness that would happen in other nations without our guidance in the World Assembly. Please, @@LEADER@@, we must remain a part of this organisation!"

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#133: When @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ Attack! [The Class A Cows; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After several reports of pet @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ violently attacking, injuring, and even killing citizens, there has been growing pressure from public safety activists for the government to take action.

The Debate
1. "These creatures are a danger to the public and must be destroyed!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, representative of the Public Institution for Social Safety, Equality, and Direction. "I was attacked by one just on the way here and I nearly lost my life! They're a public menace. We must shoot and burn them!"

2. "Why punish the poor things?" asks animal-lover @@RANDOM_NAME@@, covered in scars from previous encounters with @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@. "All they need is good hands to care and rehabilitate them. We need a government education programme to tame them and turn them into loveable pets. The one I'm holding right now shows that it can be done. They are all good, kind creatures deep d- argh!"

3. "I agree that we shouldn't kill them," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a famous lawyer. "But I don't think the owner should get away with breaking the law! This is clearly a case of 'intent to grievously harm' if I ever saw it. All citizens should be held accountable of their pet's actions as if they had done the act themselves. It's the only way to be fair - after all, they're just dumb animals." [Must have courts AND Must have private industry]

4. "Who cares!?" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@ as he sends out his pirate radio station broadcast. "Just repeal any laws preventing us from shooting the things when they attack and we'll be able to save ourselves without this stupid, authoritarian, overbearing government and legal system wasting our tax money!"

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#134: The Truth Is Out There? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After numerous alleged UFO sightings all over @@NAMES@@'s sky last night, concerned citizens are asking questions and getting no answers. Many of them are demanding that the government release all information regarding UFOs to the public.

The Debate
1. "The government has been covering up UFO activity for years," claims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, host of the esoteric TV show 'Death from the Skies'. "We're tired of hearing about weather balloons and hoaxes. If there are little green men watching and abducting us, we deserve to know. We demand that the government release all documents regarding UFOs... and everything else too! Besides, we're better off if our military doesn't organize shady, expensive projects."

2. "You can't honestly give in to the demands of these wackos and conspiracy nuts!" gasps Five Star General @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "That would reveal top secret military programs like our doomsday device, I mean, new fighter jets. These things are kept secret for a reason. Do you want this information to get in the hands of @@NAME@@'s enemies? I don't think so. I say we continue to cover up these sightings and ignore those pesky ufologists asking too many questions."

3. "How about a compromise that pleases both the conspiracy theorists and the military?" suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an elite prevaricator from the Propaganda Ministry. "Why don't we release some documents that just say that UFOs are real? This way the conspiracy theorists stop asking questions, and the military doesn't have its secret projects compromised. If our military projects are discovered, like that "moon" we're building, we can just blame it on little green men. That gives you perfect deniability. It's win-win!"

4 & 5. As a man wearing a black suit and dark sunglasses passes your guards, they silently go rigid as their eyes roll to white. "Boss, my team has this covered," he says in a droll monotone. "We'll try to keep you in the loop, of course, but nothing we tell you leaves this room... ever. Of course there are aliens, and yes, there's occasional collateral damage from random interactions, but we're on it. You just make sure that funding doesn't drop from the Omnibus Farm Bill your predecessor set up, and we'll make sure nothing goes public." He pauses and strokes his chin thoughtfully. "Is it still a privacy violation if you don't remember being probed? Have to think on that." He turns, taps the guards on the shoulders, and walks from the room as they dazedly recover their composure. [4: Must not have state-run media | 5: Must have state-run media]

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#135: A Taxing Dilemma [Claraxia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Citizens staged a mass protest against 'monolithic' tax rates after the government recently instituted the 'Anything That's Purple' tax.

The Debate
1. "The tax situation in @@NAME@@ is ridiculous," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ at the protest. "The taxes keep getting piled on and yet - I haste to add - the government doesn't seem to realise that they already have practically all our money! We've been reduced to bartering for goodness sake! I haven't seen a decent wad of @@CURRENCY@@ in years! It's bad for @@NAME@@, but more importantly, it's bad for business. We must take huge cuts out of the government budget. Even if it does mean less education, healthcare, and whatnot."

2. "You can't!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the National Treasurer. "They don't seem to realise that if we cut taxes, it will drastically underfund our public services! All our environmental work, our education system, our healthcare system - all will go kaput! @@NAME@@ depends on these taxes, we need the money! Don't let the people fritter it away on luxuries, 'cos they'll soon be complaining about there not being enough policemen on the beat. We'll tax the shirts off their backs and they'll be damn well happy about it!"

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#136: Much Ado About Abortion [Aquilla; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A monstrous debate between pro-life and pro-choice groups has erupted after a high-profile case of a pregnant woman aborting her foetus because she 'didn't feel like it' hit the tabloids.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, lawyer for the woman known only as Miss X, says, "It is Miss X's right to choose! It's her body; she can do whatever she wants with it. In the interest of women's rights, abortion MUST be legal throughout the country!"

2. "I most vehemently disagree," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a pro-life activist. "I'm all for women's rights in general, but what about the child? Does it have no rights either? Abortion is totally immoral and I insist that it be outlawed except in cases of rape, or when the mother's life is in danger."

*3. "You're not going far enough! Abortion is murder!" shouts Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a placard with a picture of a foetus on it. "God decides which babies live and which will die, not us! The government must maintain a stern anti-abortion stance to preserve the morality of @@NAME@@!" [Must not ban religion]

*4. "You're not going far enough! Abortion is murder!" shouts activist Bianca Dogs, waving a placard with a picture of a foetus on it. "How can you claim the right to decide which babies live and which will die? The government must enforce stern anti-abortion laws to preserve the morality of @@NAME@@!" [Must ban religion]

5. "Abortion has to be legal if we're going to last as a nation," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, President of the Society of Bitter Old People. "Have you ever thought that with our nation's growing population of @@POPULATION@@, we soon aren't going to be able to squeeze any more people into @@NAME@@? If we use abortion to control the population, we'll make great savings and can spend the money elsewhere. One child per family should just about do it I think. Extraneous ones can be sold to other countries." [Policy TBD]

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#137: Arms Industry Demands Respect [Koternacht; ed: Sirocco & Tactical Grace]

The Issue
Representatives of @@NAME@@'s arms manufacturing industry have expressed outrage over the lack of public and private support for their sector.

The Debate
1. Interviewed by the industry's trade journal 'Our Weapons, Your Victory', the CEO of @@NAME@@ Arms Inc, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, said: "It is shameful the way we have been treated over the last few years! Shameful! Our workers, and I tell you we have a great many of them, can barely get to work thanks to disruption by protesters and all that hippie nonsense. And as for this dangerous talk of 'Ethical Trade Practices', I say we need full government recognition of our vital contribution to the economy - relaxation of trade barriers, gun laws, and a crackdown on all these long-haired weirdos who try to shut us down!"

2. "We have a right to protest against this evil business!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@ through a megaphone. "The arms manufacturing industry is a stain on our nation's character and must be removed. How can we make money from the production of these evil weapons; how can we stand by and profit from the blood spilled by these abominations? The government must take a stand and outlaw the whole sector!"

3. Your Minister of Trade advises taking a middle ground: "We can't ban arms sales without harming the quality of our military and police departments, not to mention the economy. These hippies do have a point though - guns are terrible things in the wrong hands. We should implement additional safety checks on the groups to which the weapons get sold. That way we don't lose too many sales, and the people are persuaded we are making a stand against nations who use the weapons for immoral ends. The arms industry get to sell their guns and the protesters get to protest. Everybody wins!"

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#138: Keep The Greenbelt Green, Say Protesters [Big-Yellow-Taxi; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A group of environmentalists are protesting against plans to expand urban and suburban developments into greenbelts, the designated countryside between settlements.

The Debate
*1. "Do we really have to listen to these nutcases?" asks real estate developer, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The fact of the matter is that nature is BORING. Give us permission to build on the greenbelt and you'll have pink hotels, boutiques, and swinging hot spots that'll be the envy of the region and draw tourists from all around! We can always transplant a few trees and put them in a tree museum to keep the tree-huggers happy. @@NAME@@ stands to make a lot of money from this!" [Must have private industry]

*2. "Do we really have to listen to these nutcases?" asks Director of Urban Development, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The fact of the matter is that nature is BORING. Give us permission to build on the greenbelt and you'll have industrial estates, farming communes, and glorious monuments to the Socialist Struggle! We can always transplant a few trees and put them in a tree museum to keep the tree-huggers happy. @@NAME@@ stands to gain a great deal of productivity from this!" [Must not have private industry]

**3. "I agree with my colleague here, but he doesn't go far enough," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a city planner. "These protestors are standing in the path of progress. It slows the growth of our economy and harms my portfolio - er - the future of our nation, I mean. It's unpatriotic and we should increase police funding to deal with these troublemakers. Then we wouldn't have to worry about greenbelts or any other nonsense about keeping the 'environment' safe." [Must have private industry]

**4. "I agree with my comrade here, but he doesn't go far enough," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of Ideology. "These protestors are standing in the path of progress. It slows the growth of our economy and harms my secret portfolio - er - the future of our nation, I mean. It's unpatriotic and we should increase police funding to deal with these troublemakers. Then we wouldn't have to worry about greenbelts or any other nonsense about keeping the 'environment' safe." [Must not have private industry]

5. "I can't believe what I'm hearing!" exclaims environmental activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Tree museums? Police funding? Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone? We're talking about natural treasures and you're talking about destroying them. Is there anything that you can build that can really be better than nature? We should put a stop to all encroachment into natural areas."

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#139: Drug Debate Hits The Streets [Docere; ed: Sirocco & Tactical Grace]

The Issue
Tens of thousands of citizens have taken to the streets demanding the right to smoke whatever they want, wherever they want.

The Debate
1. "Ever since smoking was banned, I've been a gibbering wreck," laments @@RANDOM_NAME@@, handing you a cup of strange-smelling tea. "You just don't understand - I need to smoke! And sometimes I need to roll a little bit more than tobacco. It's not a luxury. In a place as depressing as @@NAME@@, we should at least be able to have some escape. Even if it does mean escaping to a world full of dancing badgers, talking mushrooms and luminous colours. So please, allow us a bit more freedom to get high."

2. "Things are fine just the way they are," says Detective @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the Narcotics Squad. "The laws just need better enforcement - we need harsher punishments, better border controls, more police officers, and some education for youngsters, telling them to just say 'no'. Do you know how many times I've had to bring kids into rehabilitation clinics? Do you know how many kids out there are getting lung cancer? It's heartbreaking, it really is. We need some more support from the government if we are to reach our goals."

3. "Yo mate, c'mon, it's not just about the crops," moans a grimy, emaciated man, as he sits slumped on the ground and tugs at your trouser leg. "Some of us like other stuff, ya know, ain't fair if we can't hit off that. You gotta decr- decrimi- just make everything OK, yeah? C'mon, I need just one more hit. Just one more. I can handle it man, I CAN HANDLE IT!"

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#140: A Grave Problem [Eta Carinae; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
As cemeteries across @@NAME@@ are beginning to reach their full capacities, citizens are demanding that the government step in to rectify the situation before the bodies start to pile up.

The Debate
1. "The expansion of cemeteries must end if the remaining government land is to benefit the economy," says the Minister of Death, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "What I propose is that we declare all graves over, say, ten years old, as vacant. And then dump a new corpse in it. Hey, nobody objects to sharing a university dormitory with another person, why should they object to sharing their grave?"

2. "Burial plots are so expensive these days, few people are opting for them anyway," says Retirement Home owner, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Let's just go for that final push and make cremation compulsory. Some people may not be happy with it, but when you get right down to it, it's only setting fire to their loved ones against their will - you must agree that that's less important than expanding suburban development."

3. "This is horrendous," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose partner recently passed away. "Whatever happened to choice? When my Henry died, he was promised an eternal resting place; a place where his name would stand and he would be remembered. Having it disturbed by 'newcomers' or enforcing cremation is a slur against him and the rest of @@NAME@@'s deceased citizens! If you have any compassion in your soul, then you'll acknowledge a grave as being a sacrosanct area. The dead must be allowed to rest in peace."

[4]. "Burying and cremating the dead is such a waste..." says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the Research Department at the McRonald's chain of fast-food restaurants. "They should be recycled for the benefit of the nation! We'll pay the families a little something for their loss, then mince up the bodies and put them in our burgers! I can't see any downsides, can you? It'd save space, recompensate the grieving, and supply everyone with a tasty snack!" [Must have private industry AND Must not be vegetarian]

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#141: Police Too Pushy? [Myrth; ed: Sirocco & Tactical Grace]

The Issue
A group of 'concerned compatriots' (Citizens Raging Against the Police) have protested against the enormous numbers of policemen enforcing the law on their daily lives.

The Debate
1. "I'm constantly surrounded by over-zealous policemen!" deplores @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a spokesman for the group. "Just last week I was arrested for letting my baby cry too loudly in public! This is ridiculous! The government needs to cut back the police force and let citizens get on with their lives without interference! If that means allowing muggers, thieves, burglars, pickpockets, murderers and all the rest to not have coppers breathing down the back of their necks constantly then so be it! This really is too much!"

2. "You can't listen to what they're saying!" gasps Police Chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@, horrified. "These nuts would have us living in utter anarchy! If some robbers suddenly decide to break into a shop and steal everything, what's the owner going to do? What could anyone do without a well-funded police force? There has to be justice and law or we'd be nothing better than a bunch of savages. Stick to your guns, I say, and let me arrest these subversives - people need to be taught to show some respect!"

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#142: Roads Like Roller Coasters, Complain Motorists [Mirkai; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A group of local motorists have assembled outside of City Hall to protest against the shoddy state of roads in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "These roads are terrible!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the @@NAME@@ Auto Club. "Every few feet there's a crack, or a pothole, or a gravel patch, or the remains of someone else's car! It's really too much! And just look at this-" he adds, rubbing a nasty bruise on his forehead - "I got that from my rear-view mirror after flying over a bump on Main Street! These roads must be fixed! There really needs to be vast improvements made now, before anyone gets seriously hurt."

2. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, avowed anti-spending advocate, disagrees: "Road construction? What a waste of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@! If people can still drive on them, then the roads are fine as they are. Spending more to make trivial repairs would just be a waste of the tax payers' money! We should just ignore these whiners and leave the roads as they are and if the drivers don't like that - well... then they can just learn to walk like the rest of us."

*3. "Why on Earth is it the government's responsibility to build and maintain roads?" asks bicyclist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, pausing for breath. "Not all citizens own automobiles, you know. The government should be trying to make life better for all, not just car owners! If people want roads, then let private industry build them, and they can charge tolls to the people who actually drive on them. Leave the government out of it!" [Must have Capitalism]

*4. "Why on Earth is it central government's responsibility to build and maintain local roads?" asks Party Member @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Not all citizens need automobiles, you know. A worker assigned to a farming collective has no need to travel! If people want roads, then let the local collectives put their own sweat and toil into building them, raising funds for this locally. Leave the central government out of it!" [Must have Socialism]

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#143: An Archaeological Altercation [Fiscali; ed: Sirocco & Tactical Grace]

The Issue
During the construction of a new Hyper-Mega-Ultra-Super Mall, construction workers have unearthed what appears to be an ancient temple. A furious debate has arisen between those who wish to preserve it, and those who need their retail therapy.

The Debate
1. "This is the perfect opportunity to learn more of our nation's history!" says Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the archaeological department of the @@NAME@@ History Museum. "All building work must be halted immediately so that my team can study this remarkable piece of our nation's past. To bury these ruins under some concrete eyesore would be criminal!"

2. "It's all very nice to get to know some more about our past," argues foreman @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But that's just the thing! It's the past! We must think of the future. If you allow those decrepit fossils to take over this place, you put at risk the future of our economy! Today it's archaeological digs, tomorrow it's 'preservation of the environment'. Just let me bulldoze the worthless pile of rubble and bury it under a few hundred tonnes of concrete."

[3]. "Behold, the hour has arrived! The Holy Temple of Firefury Amahira has been unearthed!" proclaims Yon-Zhauryg v'Klot, leader of the Cult of the Undead @@ANIMAL@@. "This land is sacred, and must not be befouled by these corporations! No-one but the enlightened children of Firefury must be allowed to venture inside our rediscovered sanctuary, where we will perform the required rituals to please the Great Goddess and prevent Her from unleashing Her wrath upon the world." [Religiousness is not very low]

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#144: Democracy Going To The Dogs? [Libertarian Haven; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After a recent election instated a small dog as member of parliament, the fringe group "Brains for Ballots" has demanded for the government to tighten voting restrictions.

The Debate
*1. "The ignorant have taken over @@NAME@@," yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@, from atop a soap box podium. "It is time that the intelligent retake the polls! Mr. 'Scruffy' is a disgrace to democracy and should be taken out of office instantly! I propose we issue mandatory I.Q. tests for every voting citizen and if they are found to have below average reasoning ability - namely lacking the foresight to see that electing an inanimate object to office will cause disaster - then they shall be excused from the responsibility of voting." [Must not have compulsory voting]

*2. "The ignorant have taken over @@NAME@@," yells Dawang Goff, from atop a soap box podium. "I knew compulsory voting would bring the lowest common denominator out from under their rock. It is time that the intelligent retake the polls! Mr. 'Scruffy' is a disgrace to democracy and should be taken out of office instantly! I propose we issue mandatory I.Q. tests for every voting citizen and if they are found to have below average reasoning ability - namely lacking the foresight to see that electing an inanimate object to office will cause disaster - then they shall be excused from the responsibility of voting." [Must have compulsory voting]

3. "Umm... huh?" inquires village idiot, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I voted? When? Oh, yeah. Please don't make me not vote. The ballots are really tasty, and where else would I get my fibre? Everyone should have the right to vote, no matter what their favourite greenhouse is! Then we can all get the government to do what we want! First thing I think we should do is, uh, ban fruit? I hate fruit."

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#145: Hackles Raised Over Fur Clothes Debate [Naturhio; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Several animal rights groups have protested the continuing use of fur as a material for clothing.

The Debate
1. "This is an outrage!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the Be Nice To Animals society. "The manufacture of fur apparel is unethical, cruel, and disgusting! People just don't seem to realise that millions of animals die each year in fur farms, crammed into tiny cages and suffering the most terrible treatment just so someone can look appealing and rich! This is a sick practice and must be stopped! The same can go for leather shoes and snakeskin belts too."

2. "You can't mean that, surely?" snorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, adjusting a hat, made from real @@ANIMAL@@ hide. "It's the people's choice what they wear. I don't think it's fair that the majority of the public should be deprived of fur clothes because some people are a bit queasy. In fact, if the government would allow us to stock rarer animals, we could produce even finer products. In the end, it's up to the consumer, don't you think?"

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#146: Evolution: Truth Or Witchcraft? [Holbrookia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Religious and scientific leaders have clashed recently over the teaching of evolution in public schools.

The Debate
1. "Ach, good to see you haff made it here in one piece," says evil doctor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ as you wake up strapped to a chair in a secret lab. "As you can see from my brilliant experiments, science has now solved zer problems of zer vorld und ve need nothink else! I propose zat ve do AVAY vith zer teachink of silly thinks like religion und concentrate on zer FACTS! For a start, ve must teach our children where ve came from. Ve shouldn't be teaching anythink that hasn't been scientifically proven - er - accounted for, I mean. Igor, release our guest - I haff a monkey to show him..."

2. "That's a LIE, son, we come from the great meteor of truth!" yells firebrand preacher Pastor Richards, kicking down your door. "We cannot allow their transgressions against the HOLY truth to continue! All the heathens should be thankful we don't burn them at the stake for their devilry! This nation's true and just government must ban the filth and corruption being spread bah these WICKED men!"

3. "What I'm wondering is why we need to take sides on this," says student @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "After all, it's only a theory. An unproven theory. Technically. It's not like it has any bearing on real life - let's just allow the biologists to teach evolution but emphasise that it's only a theory, but also make them teach other theories such as creationism. Heck, we can tell them that crackpot theory that we're all descended from @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ too! Then everyone goes away happy."

4. "Stop bickering already!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Minister of Education. "I say that you can have your cake and eat it, too. Education should be split if it stops this debate. The parents can send their children to secular schools or religious schools, based on what they want their kids to hear. It's expensive, certainly, but the education budget has been needing boosting for ages anyway."

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#147: Military Budgets Up For Approval [Greater Philadelphia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The various branches of @@NAME@@'s military brought their budget petitions to your attention and, as usual, they are all asking for widespread increases over the rest of the military departments.

The Debate
1. "Clearly the army requires the greatest increase in funds this year," says Field Marshal @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "After all, wars were never won by air or sea and in this dangerous world we must be able to protect the interests of @@NAME@@. Currently our men get hand-me-down weapons, rations I wouldn't feed a pig - the army is increasingly looking like a bad career option and we can't have that. If we're going to get recruits, we need more funding to support our brave lads in their duty."

2. "Hah! It's the Navy who needs the money, mate," says Grand Admiral @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The army and the police forces can protect us domestically, but can they protect us from having our foreign trade cut off? Can they protect us from terrorists and pirates? How are the soldiers going to get to the enemy's borders? Swim? I think not. Fund us, the Navy, the true protectors of @@NAME@@!"

3. "Despite the statements of my colleagues," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Marshal of the Air Force. "The Air Force requires more money than these men playing around with boats. We are increasingly seeing terrorists taking to the air, and more ships or guns are not going to stop that. Our people will only be safe when the Air Force has the power it needs to defend us - and for that we need more funding and more government support for industries geared towards the development of new aircraft."

4. "You're all thinking too small!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an avid Star Wars fan. "What we need is more research into the possibilities of space weapons! Big laser cannon and satellites with complete annihilation power! And cool spaceships! Boom! Rat-a-tata! Bang! Bang! It'll be expensive, sure, but think of the power! THE POWER!"

5. "It's simply not good enough!" wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Minister of Defence. "It's not about the money - it's the manpower. Not enough people by far are signing up! All we seem to be getting nowadays are drunks and people who volunteered for a dare. The current conscription laws need to be either more strictly enforced or drastically rewritten. What I propose is a universal draft: everyone capable of pulling a trigger should become a part of the Army, Navy or Air Force. Only in this way can we ensure the dominance of @@NAME@@ in the region."

6. "The military is a stain on the peace-loving nature of our nation!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while sporting a Rastifarian hat. "People should be allowed to choose what they do for a living! Conscription is wrong and I don't see why our tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ should go to such a despicable cause! The money should be going to more important places - like our pockets!"

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#148: Spare The Rod, Demand Welfare Activists [Eastern Newfoundland; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The @@NAME@@ S.P.C.C. has launched a fresh campaign to stop parents from smacking their children. They demand that the government introduce laws to ban this form of 'corporal punishment'.

The Debate
1. Child Psychiatrist, Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, speaks at a press conference on the matter: "Parents and teachers must realise that smacking children increases aggressiveness, lowers their self-esteem, and can cause long-term emotional trauma! How can anybody think that it is anything but child abuse? Parents who resort to smacking their children are obviously unfit to be parents at all! We must ban this horrible practice at once!"

2. "What are these lunatics on about?!" yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a concerned parent. "Smacking children has been an effective form of punishment since the dawn of mankind! Outlaw it and I guarantee you the next generation will be a disorderly disaster! Children need, nay CRAVE discipline! Sometimes the only language they understand is the cane, and the government has to respect that!"

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#149: With Liberty, Freedom, And Guns For All? [Frigben; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After the banning of firearms in @@NAME@@, the underground @@NAME@@ Handgun Association went public, staging huge protests in an effort to turn over the firearms ban.

The Debate
1. "We need our guns back!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wildly waving a water pistol in the air. "This is an infringement on our personal rights! If someone went and killed a bunch of people with a cricket bat would you ban them too? Sure people will be killed, but that's the price you've gotta pay for freedom! These liberals keep talking about legalising drugs because if we can't control them, we might as well join them. Humbug! I say we should do the same for guns!"

2. "Nonsense!" insists Michelle Mires, while handcuffing herself to your leg. "Guns pose a risk to people's lives! No one should have the freedom to be stupid! Do you realise just how easy it could be for someone to get hold of a gun and just go and kill people? If you allow everyone to have guns, you're going to be condemning people to death! The answer to safety isn't more guns - it's more policemen on the beat, more serious attention brought to gun-smuggling, and banning toy guns and gun-related violence on the television. We've got to get it into people's heads - guns are BAD."

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#150: Bug 'em All, Say Police [Niziania; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The @@NAME@@ police force have come to you for permission to use phone taps to trace suspected criminals.

The Debate
1. "This is a great idea," says police officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We can never have too much evidence in a case, and this will be of enormous help to us at reducing crime and seeing that those who deserve punishment get justice! If we could just get those silly privacy laws repealed and some funding we could find out stuff the government wants to know too."

2. "This is an unacceptable intrusion into the personal lives of the population," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while checking under your chair for bugs. "Just imagine all of the sensitive personal information that the police will pick up! Would you like someone listening to your calls to your mother or your lover? I think not! Laws should be passed so that the government and police can't stick their big noses where they're not wanted!"

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:51 am

#151: Build Bigger Bombs, Advise Scientists [Benevolent Nations; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Top military designers in your secret laboratories have proposed projects to create nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons and are looking to you for government support and funding.

The Debate
1. "This is a necessary step towards the creation of a safer @@NAME@@," claims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the leading researcher. "Yes, it will mean large areas of land will become unusable as a result of the testing, and it will cost billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@, but that's the price we must pay for our national security. Just think of the power we will have if we can turn our enemies into plate glass!"

*2. "Why stop with making weapons for ourselves?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Wendy's Weapons stores. "We can sell them to all sorts of groups and organisations: other nations, the WA, terror- uh - freedom fighters, anyone! And we produce our own for our protection. Think of the money we can make! I'm sure none of our clients would ever even think of trying to use them to influence our government with threats or anything like that!" [Must have private industry]

*3. "Why stop with making weapons for ourselves?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Minister of State Exports. "We can sell them to all sorts of groups and organisations: other nations, the WA, terror- uh - freedom fighters, anyone! And we produce our own for our protection. Think of the money we can make! I'm sure none of our clients would ever even think of trying to use them to influence our government with threats or anything like that!" [Must not have private industry]

4. "You want to bring NUKES into @@NAME@@?!" screams anti-nuclear protestor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This won't make us safer - it will just give the power to destroy everything to a few people! We must hunt down the people who suggested this evil plan and have them hanged! We must protect nature from the horrible influences of science. I say ban all new weapons research!"

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#152: A Capital Idea [Hestrael; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A crowd of penniless ex-businessmen have amassed in @@CAPITAL@@, demanding that the government return all the nationalised industry to private control.

The Debate
1. "GREED IS GOOD!" bellows @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a famous advocate of capitalism. "The economy is stagnating terribly under government control. Complete privatisation is the only option here. It's time to give power back to the people! Well, rich people, anyway..."

2. "This is outrageous!" cries armchair revolutionary @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The government must maintain the principles of equality and socialism that we fought so hard for, and not sell the country to corrupt and greedy corporations. We must eject these shameful capitalists from our great nation at once!"

3. "Hey, aren't we all being a little extreme about this?" says noted economist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Surely we could just keep the key industries, such as the electricity and water supplies, under government control and lessen the regulations on the others so they could function more independently? That way, the people can't complain that they are at the mercy of big business, and industries such as retail can function more effectively."

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#153: Protesters Have Gone Too Far, Claim Police [Utopian Gandhism; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A group protesting against the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ government began a riot yesterday which resulted in the death of Mr. Benson, a police officer.

The Debate
1. "This is an outrage!" cries Police Chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The people of @@NAME@@ just don't know how good they have it! Our nation is a gem compared to many others, but if you give an inch they will take a mile. I had to tell officer Benson's wife yesterday that their child will grow up without a father. Do I think public protests should be outlawed? You're damn right I do."

2. "It all happened so fast," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of the protesters. "The crowd was just chanting, you know... and then they tear gassed us. I saw one cop, this Mr. Benson, club a teenager right in the face! For what? Speaking his mind! That's when the crowd rushed him. I'm sorry he's dead, but the police think they have a right to do whatever they want - things get out of hand sometimes. I think the police department should keep out of the way when we're protesting - even if things do get... excited."

3. "It's because protests get out of hand sometimes that we need a police presence," argues PC @@RANDOM_NAME@@ eventually after singing the national anthem to you. "Even violent protestors have a right to feel safe on the streets. If that means we have to die to protect the innocent, then that means we have to die. I think protests should be restricted to a designated area where police can keep an eye on the protestors. Then everything can go nice and smoothly and no one will have to worry about being beaten to death."

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#154: Ban The 'Boards, Say Pedestrians [HappyFluffyBunnies; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The conservative Northern-based parents group of "Housewives and Convicts for a Safer @@NAME@@" has put forward a memorandum to ban skateboarding in public.

The Debate
1. "Skateboarding is a menace to pedestrians and road users," says activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Not to mention the astronomical number of skateboarding-related injuries - hundreds of children flood the emergency rooms of @@NAME@@ as a result of skateboarding every year, which is costly to the taxpayers. Keep our streets safe and save a little cash at the same time. Hell, you could make even more money by ticketing those who violate this law."

2. "Ticketing children for getting out of the house and exercising?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a school teacher, in disbelief. "That's outrageous! It's true that skateboarding can be dangerous but so is walking down the stairs! You want to ban that too?! What we should do is pass laws requiring safety equipment for skaters - if we allocate a little bit of the tax payers' money to the cause, we can build a skate park that will keep our children safe and away from others on the road too."

3. "Yo, dude, I've got a better idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while executing a complicated 360° spin over your head. "What if skateboarding was the only way to get around? Wouldn't that be cool? Skateboarding is cheap, healthy, and fun! Everyone should do it! You could improve, like, the quality of life for everyone by banning vehicles and making skateboarding the only legal way to travel. People'd love you for it, man. Well, apart from the guys who make cars and the like, I guess."

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#155: Curfew Meets Minor Opposition [Daedor; ed: Melkor Unchained]

The Issue
In order to curb youth-related crime, the police have suggested a national curfew.

The Debate
1. "The youth-related crime statistics in @@NAME@@ are appalling," says police chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If kids can't go out at night, they won't have any opportunity to roam around in their baggy pants and backwards hats mugging the elderly and causing a general ruckus. Just last night I had to run down some punk who tried to steal a mailbox right off the post! This is getting ridiculous. Sure, it'll require more funding, but think of all the mailboxes we'll save! Our youth need to spend the wee hours sleeping or studying--not out gallivanting with their friends."

2. "I'm not a criminal just because I'm seventeen!" shouts honors student, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Yeah, I like to go out partying, but I'd never hurt anybody! Besides, we've already got enough problems with these pigs breathing down our necks. If anything we need MORE freedom. It's time for the government to step up to the plate and tell these power hungry swine to stop cramping our style!"

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#156: Waste Going To Waste, Says Industry Lobby [DeFranzania; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s industries have an ever-growing amount of toxic wastes to dispose of, and doing so in safe ways is becoming prohibitively expensive, leading a group of lobbyists to try and pressure the government into changing existing disposal laws.

The Debate
1. "These waste dumping laws are destroying our businesses!" rants @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the @@NAME@@ Bigger Business Bureau. "We need cheaper ways to eliminate industrial by-products, which really aren't as harmful as people think, such as pouring them into rivers or deep ocean ravines where they're harmless to us. Let's remember that the products we manufacture make your life easier and more fun!"

2. "A better way to deal with this problem is to convince the public it isn't a problem at all," whispers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of Scamcorp, an industrial think tank. "Fudge some research, declare that the chemical by-products from industrial processing and production actually make one's teeth and bones healthier. Then, sell them to municipalities to add to their drinking water! Yes! This will not only save us the trouble of disposing of the waste correctly, we'll be able to sell it at a profit! I can taste the money already!"

3. "These corrupt, money-hungry corporations are only looking out for themselves and their bottom line!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an environmentalist from northern @@NAME@@. "The government needs to enact stricter laws for how these companies can dump their waste safely, and when they poison @@NAME@@'s people and environment, the government needs the authority and manpower to enforce harsh penalties! These companies make their messes, they should pay to clean them up!"

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#157: Sergeants Are Too Nasty, Say New Recruits [Mirkai; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A haggard group of new recruits in @@NAME@@'s army have spoken out against the brutal conditions experienced in their military training.

The Debate
1. "It's atrocious!" wails Private @@RANDOM_NAME@@, from amidst the cacophony of a parade cadence. "We're forced to sleep in crowded barracks, on hard cots, and do the most inhumane exercises when we wake up! Just today I've had to crawl through a muddy minefield, climb a grease-coated wall, and to top it all off, get mangled by an angry drill sergeant! All we want is a little respect from the officers - maybe to sleep in until noon, and not have to get all sweaty and tired doing stupid things like marching and climbing ropes. Oh, and private bedrooms too - we're risking our lives for the country, after all."

2. "THEY WANT WHAT?!" screams Sgt. Burkz, while pressing back a rising vein on her neck. "This is WAR, not DAYCARE! If anything, the training standards should be tougher! If I want to whip some pasty-faced, beer-gutted greenhorn because he can't climb over a razor-wire fence then I should be be given the permission to do so right away! The cry-babies won't like it, but they can run home back to their rich daddies if that's the way they're having it. War isn't a walk in the park, and training shouldn't be either. For all our sakes."

3. "Training, what a load of old hooey," says renowned spendophobe and radio announcer, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The only thing it teaches our soldiers is how to shine boots and fight plastic dummies. We'd be better off if we just dropped them into the fight so they could learn to shoot for themselves. There might be a few accidents, but it'll be worth it for all the @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ we'll save."

4. "There is another way, you know..." whispers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Chief of Secret Projects and Shiny Things in @@NAME@@'s military research department. "What if we started taking children and raising them from birth to fight? We'd be able to make them completely immune to propaganda, psychological warfare, and demoralisation. Not only would that stop the crying new recruits, it'd also give us a powerful military edge. People may not like giving up their kids, but that's why we run the country. We know better."

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#158: Regarding Robbers' Rights [Robmuirpoems; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The Household Defence Alliance is lobbying for the right to kill anyone who trespasses on private property.

The Debate
1. "We must take a stand against burglars and looters entering our property," explains HDA President, Catherine Gratwick, while digging a moat around her house. "We should be able to rip their guts out with a machine gun, no questions asked. If they want rights they should have considered the poor sod they were robbing."

2. "Even burglars have human rights," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while thieving a pen from your pocket. "And we don't deserve to be shot for trying to make our way in the world. People are far more important than property, I hope you agree! Why attack a burglar? That's the job of the coppers! I think anyone injuring anyone else should be severely punished with no excuses about trespassers or defending your property. Or yourself."

3. "Hey, let's not be hasty!" cautions @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an anti-gun protester. "I'm not for riddling burglars with bullets either, but I do want to protect my family! I think it would be a lot more sensible if we allowed homeowners to attack burglars, but not with guns. In fact it would be even better if we just banned guns while we're at it."

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#159: Think Tank Proposes Privatised Prisons [Yejuda and Shomron; ed: Sirocco & Myrth]

The Issue
In response to increasing costs of running state prisons, several government advisors have suggested allowing the private sector to play a greater role in managing @@NAME@@'s correctional facilities.

The Debate
1. "@@NAME@@'s prisons are in a ghastly state," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, representative for several large businesses. "The state now pays a fortune in @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ each day for every prisoner. My clients will be able to operate the prisons more efficiently and charge the state far less than they're having to pay now. With our help, those in jail will be able to get themselves jobs to do and the government can imprison as many people as they like!"

2. "This is just another scheme by multinational corporations to turn our great nation into a corporate dictatorship!" claims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, of the Social Justice League of @@NAME@@. "Just say NO to privatised prisons. We should be closing them all down so we can begin focusing on rehabilitation anyway!"

3. "Private prisons?! Rehabilitation?! How utterly ridiculous!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, @@NAME@@'s toughest police officer. "Both of these proposals will simply waste resources on the scum of society. I say that we should summarily execute all violent criminals and give their property to their victims."

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#160: Truancy On The Rise [Nouvelle Quebecshiree; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Parents and teachers alike have expressed concern to the @@NAME@@ Board of Education that truancy in schools is reaching alarmingly high levels, claiming that it's to blame for rising vandalism rates.

The Debate
1. "The truancy situation is just getting worse and worse," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the chair of a local PTA group. "We've got children in our schools who turn up for maybe a couple of classes a week. It's getting ridiculous! They can't learn if they don't turn up. The government must introduce some sort of special truancy patrol in the police force. Controlled by us, of course."

2. "WHAT KIND OF WORTHLESS IDEA IS THAT?!" bellows General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Head of the @@NAME@@ Military Academy, while turning a brilliant beetroot-red. "What these troublesome brats need is a good term in military school. I'll straighten 'em up, alright. NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!"

3. "I really don't see what the problem is," says student @@RANDOM_NAME@@, smoking an odd smelling substance. "I mean, so what if I only go to school three to four days a month? It means I'm able to work full-time, which probably benefits the economy or... yeah, something like that. The government should just back off, man."

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#161: Where There's A Will There's A Tax [Rehochipe; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After the vast fortunes of a recently deceased oil tycoon in @@NAME@@ were left to a small cactus plant, citizens nationwide have been asking the same question: should the inheritance tax laws be changed?

The Debate
1. "Every time I see a stupid rich kid having an easy ride of life with money they did nothing to deserve, I go into a jealous rage and start punching walls," says economically disadvantaged individual @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Abolish inheritance entirely! If the government takes the inheritance then we can spend all that cash on things that make ordinary people's lives better, like education, social welfare, and attack helicopters."

2. "This is a disgusting breach of my human rights," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, heir to an international widget empire. "Just think of all the poor families who have spent their lives scrimping and saving with the dream of passing on a modest luxury yacht to ensure the security of their children's children. All that sacrifice, all that toil, all those long nights working their fingers to the bone setting up offshore accounts - it brings a tear to my eye. Inheritance tax has got to go!"

3. "Surely we can arrange some sort of compromise here," says comfortable knitwear fan @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Yes, it's true that some people exploit the system - but a lot of people rely on inheritance for their basic support! Why don't we just set a sensible ceiling on how much you can inherit? That way you get to keep the family farm, but not the five mansions and the oil refinery."

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#162: Animal Experimentation Laws Under Scrutiny [Voroziniya; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Scientists and animal rights activists have once again brought up the debate over animal experimentation to your attention.

The Debate
1. "What have those poor, defenceless animals ever done to us?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of the East @@NAME@@ @@ANIMAL@@ Sanctuary. "Kidnapping these helpless creatures from their habitat simply to stick probes and needles in them is just barbaric! How would you like it if someone caged you in a lab and conducted tests on you just to find out whether a new product was fit for sale? Experimenting on animals ought to be banned!"

2. "It is not unethical," replies Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the chief surgeon at @@NAME@@'s largest Cancer Research Clinic. "The unethical thing to do would be to deny the public of the benefit of the great scientific advancements we're making! If we have to sacrifice some animals in the name of science, healthcare, or a commercial venture, then that's just what we've got to do! Think of the lives we could save! All we require is more government support and funding for this worthy cause."

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#163: Referenda: Are they Right For @@NAME@@? [Ideal State; ed: Melkor Unchained]

The Issue
After the Parliament of @@NAME@@ recently passed a controversial law that polls have shown to be very unpopular with the public, a group of concerned citizens has called for mandatory referenda for all laws passed before the state.

The Debate
1. "We want real democracy, and we want it now!" proclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, spokesperson for special interest group 'Direct Democracy Now!' "The fact that this latest law went through has proven that voting for a Parliament every four years is obviously not enough. Laws must be passed by the masses - that is the only way we can be sure that the will of the people is truly being enforced! We must have mandatory referenda for ALL new laws."

2. "Don't listen to these demagogues!" implores one of your top advisors, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This is a ridiculous and dangerous idea! Referenda are costly and inefficient, and a direct threat to the fine institution that is our Parliament. What do you think we have the Parliament for anyway? Our citizenry nowadays don't know what's good for them. They're too busy milling around at the mall and buying sneakers WITH LIGHTS IN THEM. More control needs to be given to our qualified, intelligent--and most of all INFORMED--politicians."

3. "Referenda are a good idea in principle, but to make them mandatory for each and every law is simply impractical," states Political Scientist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Representative democracy exists because direct democracy would never work in practice in a large society such as @@NAME@@. Just think of all the bureaucracy and expense that would go into it! I suggest that referenda be allowed, but only if at least a third of voters sign a petition requesting one. That should be a nice balance between democracy and practicality."

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#164: Licence To Breed? [Kazcaper; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Increasing reports of child abuse and neglect in @@NAME@@ has prompted local pressure groups to call for 'parental licences'.

The Debate
1. "You need a licence to keep @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ or drive a car," points out local current affairs commentator, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "So why should just any random idiot get to be a mother or father? It just doesn't make sense! If all potential parents had to pass tests to prove they're responsible enough, I'm sure you'd find that it would help decrease the level of child abuse, and increase proper discipline in the home."

2. "This is madness!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You can't deny perfectly good people the right to bring life into this world! @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ manage it easily enough, and you can't tell me they've got more responsibility than your average upstanding citizen of @@NAME@@! The government should keep out of such matters - I've always said social workers and welfare was a drain on the budget. Yes, there will be some sad cases of neglect, but shouldn't we be giving parents the benefit of the doubt?"

3. "The answer to this problem is patently obvious," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your minister of Social Welfare. "The government simply needs to give more funding to the welfare department so that we can recruit more social workers to carry out regular checks on parents and judge whether or not they're doing a good job of looking after their children. It'll be expensive, but at least it's a damn sight fairer than licensing parents."

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#165: Wedlock Worries [Ice Hockey Players; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After a recent article in Salutations! magazine highlighted a growing trend in arranged marriages throughout @@NAME@@, several civil rights protesters have camped outside your parliament demanding changes to the law.

The Debate
1. "This can't go on!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a long time campaigner for the rights of single young women. "Right now there's nothing to stop my parents marrying me off to anyone they please! Surely it ought to be the sole decision of the individual as to who they spend the rest of their life with? You can't just force two people together and expect it to work! Arranged marriages must be banned!"

2. "I only want what's best for my daughter," argues Cyril Duckworth, father of three. "She's young! Far too young to know what's good for her! Everyday when I look in the newspaper I learn of another unwanted teen pregnancy, of poor, sad adolescents who have gone down the slippery slope of drugs and violence. If parents have the power to arrange marriages with other, respectable, wealthy families, then it helps set the foundations for our children to have a decent life! I propose that all marriages should be arranged by the parents of the families - it's the best way."

3. "That's crazy!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Domestic Affairs. "Everyone knows that the people who screw your life up most are your parents! And now you consider letting them to decide who you marry?! I think we, the government, should arrange all marriages by national census. Distribute everyone to a place and person in an economically stimulating way - why, we'd solve the housing problems just like that! Especially if we dismiss outmoded things like divorce and monogamy! This could be a golden opportunity for us."

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#166: Vote For 'None of the Above'? [Kamikachidonia; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
A loose coalition of political activists running the gamut of the political spectrum has started a petition to add 'None of the Above' as an option on every ballot, so that a voter can reject all candidates if he feels none of them represent a viable option. If 'None of the Above' wins the election, a new election with all-new candidates would have to be held.

The Debate
1. "It's a simple matter really," says left-wing activist and former rock star @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Sometimes when you're voting, all the options suck. Why then should people be forced to hold their nose and vote for the lesser of two, or even three or four evils? Adding 'None of the Above' to the ballot would ensure that the people have a choice at all times, even if that choice is to reject the choices they have been given!"

2. "Adding 'None of the Above' to the ballot makes absolutely no sense," contributes conservative political pundit @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Those who want to run for office have already put their names on the ballot, and if none of those options suits the voter, that's just too bad. Instead, we ought to prevent this sort of problem and limit the number of options. Sure, fewer people can run, but that will eliminate costly runoff elections completely!"

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#167: Fluoride Controversy A Toothy Problem [Enlightened Harmony; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Recent reports revealing that the dental health of @@NAME@@ is far below the regional average have ignited a fierce debate over whether to introduce fluoride to the nation's tap water reserves.

The Debate
1. "Fluoride has been shown time and time again to promote dental health," argues Dr. Edwin Namel, Chairperson of 'Friends of The Teeth'. "It's not an experimental drug for heaven's sake, it's an accepted method of promoting national good health. A nationwide program for the fluoridation of drinking water should not be seen as optional - it's a no-brainer for any sensible government. We need to implement this now, whether the public want it or not."

*2. "I am strongly against this proposal!" rages @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of the more vociferous members of the @@NAME@@ Green Society. "When I turn on the water tap I expect to get just that. Water. Nothing else. We are not lab rats and it is not the government's place to force us into taking these chemicals! In fact I reckon we should put the brakes on all these new chemicals doctors keep pumping into people and give us the right to say no!" [Drugs are not being dumped into the water supply]

*3. "I am strongly against this proposal!" rages @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of the more vociferous members of the @@NAME@@ Green Society. "When I turn on the water tap I expect to get just that. Water. Nothing else. We are not lab rats and it is not the government's place to force us into taking these chemicals! And you know it's not just fluoride being added to the water, right? I reckon we should put the brakes on all these new chemicals the government keep pumping into people and give us the right to say no!" [Drugs are being dumped into the water supply]

4. "There's no need to go to either extreme," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your personal dentist. "It's all about, um, choice. Here's a nice alternative: why not just have clean non-fluoridated drinking water and give more funds to dentists? If we had enough money, we could make all dental care absolutely free! It will be demanding on the taxpayers I know, but they'll surely be happy when they all have sparkling white teeth!"

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#168: @@NAME@@ Plagued By STD Epidemic! [Eta Carinae; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
A medical report has detailed a twenty-fold increase in infection rates over the past ten years of the sexually transmitted disease VODAIS (Viral Overactive Dysfunction of the Auto-Immune System). People all over the nation are petitioning that the government do something about the epidemic.

The Debate
1. "This situation is about to explode. At this rate, this epidemic could severely impact our economy, our way of life, and even our government," says Doctor @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We must supply powerful drugs to all infected people, even if we have to produce and distribute it ourselves. We must also educate people on the dangers of VODAIS and supply condoms to all sexually active males. Sure, we'll need to divert tax money from the military to fund all this, but what good is a military if the soldiers are too sick to fight?"

2. "If you supply condoms, you'll increase sexual promiscuity," scoffs religious leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If you supply drugs, you'll risk creating an aura of invincibility which in turn increases sexual promiscuity. Sexual abstinence is 100% effective in preventing VODAIS infection. This knowledge must be taught at all schools and workplaces, and all other choices must be ridiculed. Make celibacy the only option!"

3. "Supplying drugs and condoms will not stop VODAIS infections and forcing everyone to be celibate will be the slow death of @@NAME@@," whispers Health Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@ in a poorly-lit back room. "Segregating the infected people is the most effective method. Everybody in @@NAME@@ must be tested for VODAIS. Then all the VODAIS positive people will be shipped to seperate gated communities away from the rest of us. If they need to mingle with uninfected people, then they must wear distinguishing badges that feature a Grim Reaper holding a skeletal @@ANIMAL@@."

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#169: @@ANIMAL@@ Hunting Laws Under Dispute [Vigorithia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The fierce debate on @@ANIMAL@@ hunting in @@NAME@@ has been brought to your attention after vociferous supporters of both sides of the argument stormed your parliament.

The Debate
1. "@@ANIMAL@@ hunting is a cruel and horrible 'sport' for the wealthy," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the 'Protect Anything Cute and Furry Society'. "How can you possibly justify it? Oh, they witter on about 'tradition' and 'pest control' and other such nonsense, but really we all know it's because these sadists love to torture poor, innocent animals! Hunting must be banned!"

2. "Banning @@ANIMAL@@ hunting would be the end for centuries of tradition!" wails esteemed aristocrat @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from atop his steed. "The thrill of the chase, the baying of the hounds, the @@ANIMAL@@ scooting through the undergrowth - it would be a travesty! We provide much needed stimulus to the local tourism, and you can't deny that @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ are pests - killing farmers' livestock for example! I propose that @@ANIMAL@@ hunting be encouraged, for the cultural - and economic - benefit of the nation!"

3. "Well, you know what I think?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while helping to assemble a small trebuchet. "I reckon that the real issue about this sport is the cruelty aspect, and no-one can deny that sending a pack of dogs to tear apart a poor, innocent @@ANIMAL@@ is cruel. I reckon we should just ban hunting with hounds and only allow kinder and more instantly lethal methods like guns, tranquillisers, and cruise missiles."

4. "I'm firmly against the slaughter of dumb animals," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while feeding an infant @@ANIMAL@@ with a milk bottle. "It would be best if the animals didn't die, and hunters could still do what they love to do - how about instead of shooting them or sending vicious canines after them, the hunter runs up to his quarry and gives it a symbolic 'tap' with his hand? Now isn't that much nicer for everyone?"

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#170: Deserts Devouring @@NAME@@'s Countryside [Goobergunchia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Due to desertification, the transition of habitable land to desert as a result of overcultivation and the increasing degradation of the environment, much of @@NAME@@'s once-green rural areas are turning into barren, rocky deserts.

The Debate
1. "This is a disaster," wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of the Environment. "We've been too lax on letting the agriculture sector overgraze and overcrop our lands and now we're paying the price. There needs to be some serious cutback on what these companies are allowed to do, or before you know it we're going to be scaling sand dunes on the way to work."

2. "'Ey there, you stupid townie, what about us?" shouts Farmer's Union Leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a pitchfork from atop a combine harvester parked outside. "We's just goin' t' be tole we're out of a job? Tha' best way t' goes about this is t' promote stuff like that there recyclin', crop rotatin', an' biodiversity, and t' gives us tha' subsidies we needs t' work in 'armony wi' mother nature. Desertification ain't no irreversible thing, an' claimin' tha' land back will be slow and bloody expensive, by thunder. But oi'm sure tha' taxpayers will be more than 'appy t' aid us 'umble farmers in our plight, and maybe gives us a little more say in things in future, so's this can't 'appen again."

3. "Yee-haw, these here deserts are the greatest thang that's happened in YARS!" drawls noted cowboy Hamish McGraw, twirling his shootin' irons. "This is just what @@NAME@@ needs! Just git a stagecoach out har an tha' foreign types will come a-flockin,' y'all see if ah'm wrong! We don't need no fundin' f' tha' environment! Them's farmers c'n jus' git minin' fer GOLD!"

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#171: Kids And Criminality: Whose Responsibility? [East Stalinia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Recent studies showing that the sources of @@NAME@@'s most common street crimes (vandalism, muggings, joyriding, and witchcraft) are children under the age of criminal responsibility have prompted a national outcry for government action.

The Debate
1. "These damned hooligans are running wild on our streets!" splutters hard-nosed Sergeant @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the police force. "My overworked officers can't cope anymore! Everywhere we look we're being surrounded by mobs of unruly children! I need you to give me and my officers the power to dish out punishment to these little hoodlums. I don't care how young these kids are - they need to learn to behave properly as soon as possible. Even if it requires a short jail sentence of ten years or so."

2. "The last thing we need is a police force that prosecutes, convicts, AND sentences young kids!" yells outraged Child Welfare Officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These youngsters are merely children being playful! Let them learn from their own mistakes! You can't tell me you weren't ever naughty when you were that young! Experience is the tree from which learning is a fruit, remember, and besides: the taxes needed to round them all up would be murder."

3. "Hah! Yeh're lookin' at this the wrong way!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an elderly pensioner, hobbling up to you and poking you in the chest with a walking stick. "When I was wee, and if I was caught breakin' the law, me dad would've beaten seven types of bahoola out of me! If a kid's gone maladjusted and started nickin' cars and whatnot, look at the parents and punish them for not bringin' the tiny scions up right! Yeh can't blame a kid for the environment they were raised in an' that's that!"

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#172: Church Attendances Reaching New Low, Warn Priests [Realm of Idiots; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Religious professionals and fanatic hermits across @@NAME@@ have been drawing increasingly animated attention to the decreasing levels of church attendance among the population.

The Debate
1. "The apathy of @@NAME@@'s people towards their religious duties to God is abysmal," rumbles a man known only as 'The Hierophant' as he brandishes his holy book at you. "If we don't rectify this problem immediately the ground shalt quake, the sky shalt turn blood-red, and the fields shalt turn to offal. The government must make religious attendance compulsory before all the land is damned to an eternity in the Netherworld!"

2. "Compulsory church attendance is not the answer to this problem," says Swami @@RANDOM_NAME@@ in between spells of meditation. "There are many ways to enlightenment and it would be wrong for the government to enforce any one of them so, instead, we must divert some of the money we spend on meaningless economic pursuits into funding an awareness campaign to help people discover their true religious identity. We must establish temples, mosques, and hermitages so people can find out which path to their spirituality is right for them."

3. "I reckon you could just ignore these zealots and scrap any government funding we still have going into religion," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, author of the wildly unpopular book 'Face It, There Is No Afterlife'. "I can't believe that modern thinkers like you and me are still tying ourselves down with outmoded and outdated concepts like the 'soul' or 'God'. Just drop all funding and give everyone a bit of a tax break. At least then we can be a bit richer before the long infinite void of oblivion at the end of our small, feeble, insignificant little lives."

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#173: Women Demand Equal Opportunities [HammerCrusher; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The women of @@NAME@@ are demanding an end to wage discrimination in the workplace.

The Debate
1. "The government must put a stop to businesses discriminating against women when they apply for a job!" chants @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, a ferocious supporter of women's rights. "Did you know that on average men in @@NAME@@ earn substantially more than women for doing the same job? For too long has the female race been discriminated against in our society due to their sex! We demand equal wages, equal opportunities, and equal respect for women, and we demand them now!"

2. "Hey, my business is treading a thin enough profit margin as it is," complains @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, CEO of Heavy Lifting Incorporated. "Women just aren't as good as men at certain jobs, it's a probably proven fact! Take firefighting - if you were dying from smoke inhalation and collapsed on the floor unable to move, who would you prefer to attempt to rescue you? A man with superior muscular strength or some weakling female? Go on, you decide. Let the businesses decide what they pay and who they pay it to - after all, the economy depends on us."

3. "Hah! Our society is getting far too soft!" rages @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, a staunch male chauvinist. "Whatever happened to the days when a man could go back home to find his good lady wife with his tea ready and his slippers warm? I've heard that some men even have to cook and clean for themselves! We should be actively encouraging women to stay where they belong by making it expected that women get paid half what men do for the same job. After all, their poor brains are prone to overheating, so they're naturally less efficient in the workplace."

4. "Personally I think things went wrong as soon as women got labelled as the 'fairer' sex," interrupts Catherine Gratwick, author of the best-selling novel 'Gynaecocracy For Beginners'. "We're strong, we're willing - and we're just plain better than men. See what a state the world is in when they're in charge? I propose that all jobs should preferentially be offered to women first, so that men are encouraged to stay at home and be househusbands."

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#174: Maternity Leave A Must, Say Mothers [Vashaan; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A coalition of expectant mothers (Mothers 4 Justice) has banded together to demand legislation allowing for six months of fully paid maternity leave.

The Debate
1. "Six months?! Six WHOLE months?!" blusters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a payroll manager. "Six whole months of being fully paid by our company for doing nothing but looking after a baby?! This will sink the small businesses and lose us an obscene amount of revenue! We cannot allow this to pass!"

2. "I believe that passing this law will be a step in the right direction," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the nation's most outspoken feminist advocate. "These kids need their mothers' love and attention during an important part of their growth development! I don't see why mums should be forced to juggle with the stress of bringing up children and having a job! It's simply too much! Six months maternity leave with full pay is what this country needs - even if it is at the expense of a few avaricious fat cats."

*3. "Look, I've got an idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an obsessive centrist. "Perhaps we can allow for six months of paid maternity leave, but have the government pay the companies for lost revenue? That way the mothers can bring up their children without financial worries, companies won't lose investors, and everyone will be happy. Apart from the taxpayers, of course, but you can't please everyone." [Must have private industry]

*4. "Look, I've got an idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an obsessive centrist. "Perhaps we can allow for six months of paid maternity leave, but have the government pay their employers for the lost revenue? That way the mothers can bring up their children without financial worries, employers won't suffer, and everyone will be happy. Apart from the taxpayers, of course, but you can't please everyone." [Must not have private industry]

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#175: Is @@NAME@@ Too Promiscuous? [Masalium; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The highly moral and religious pressure group 'Cuckolds And Cuckqueans Anonymous' has lobbied for the criminalisation of adultery.

The Debate
1. "Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while wearing a T-shirt bearing the slogan 'Marriage is for life, not just for anniversaries'. "Whatever happened to lifelong companionship? Whatever happened to simple faithfulness because of love?! Adultery seems to be more of a hobby than anything these days! The government must impose the utmost punishments on those who commit this sin. A good old-fashioned stoning should sort it!"

*2. "I don't agree with adultery either," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a passer-by. "But, uh... stoning? You don't think that's a little extreme? If we find someone guilty of fornication we can just lock them up in jail. That way no-one gets killed and the sinners get justice. It's more expensive to the tax payers than a stoning of course, but I reckon it's worth it." [Must have prisons]

*3. "I don't agree with adultery either," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a passer-by. "But, uh... stoning? You don't think that's a little extreme? If we find someone guilty of fornication we can just send them to sex addict rehab, or whatever. That way no-one gets killed and we fix their personalities. It's more expensive to the tax payers than a stoning of course, but I reckon it's worth it." [Must not have prisons]

4. "With the greatest of respect, this is none of your business!" yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@ who is rumoured to have had more than a thousand lovers and even more children. "The government has no right to go about trying to dictate the laws of love and romance! Marriages break down, people move on - is it really the government's place to make people stay put? You must recognise the fact that the law has no place within the bedroom!"

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:52 am

#176: History A Mystery To Most Of @@NAME@@ [Diet Mug Root Beer; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Historians and educators have campaigned against the skewing of historical facts for artistic purposes following the premiere of the new historical drama titled 'It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Revolution!'

The Debate
1. "It is completely outrageous!" cries media critic @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The Captain was our most inspiring war leader and is a national hero! He never had a teen sidekick named Pogo! And he certainly didn't come from outer space! We should protect ourselves from such wanton revisionism and outlaw so-called artistic licence. That way we can be happy that what goes on in these movies is for real!"

2. "Oh, that's nonsense, yeah?" says film director @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while polishing a small statue of a golden @@ANIMAL@@. "If anything, it helps our nation by familiarising everyone with historical figures and gets them more interested in the subject, yeah? It's not boring like real history; it can be exciting! With car chases and explosions, yeah! Hey, I'm excited already! Besides, what is history? Just memories from a certain viewpoint, yeah? Well, if you make all history classes see it from our viewpoint there'll be no more problem! Oh, yeah!"

3. "I'm sure there's a middle ground," suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your minister of History. "If we just made history classes mandatory for pupils until they leave school, increased taxes to raise funding for history classes a bit- no, make that a LOT, and encouraged history-related professions, then eventually everyone will realise that these films are simply pale, inaccurate imitations of events that really happened. People will be historically aware, and directors get to make their films. Everything sorted."

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#177: Power To The People? [Whatia; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Several underground organisations in @@NAME@@ have recently been spreading discontent throughout the populace about not being able to vote.

The Debate
1. "We demand the power to rule the country the way we want!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while being dragged before you in chains. "Too long have you and your dictatorial government been allowed to control our lives! The right to vote in a fair and free election is all we crave! You can take our lives, but you'll never take our souls! Elections for @@NAME@@!"

2. "If you'll take my advice, we should just send these crazies down to the dungeons," murmurs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your political advisors. "If we let them spread this propaganda we'll soon have a revolution on our hands! We should crack down on these groups, and ban non-governmental political organisations to keep the people from getting too frisky with their pitchforks."

3. "There's no need to be quite so dramatic," assures @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your minister of Silly Walks as he pinwheels past. "We could let them have their way a little, just to keep them happy, you know? We could give them the right to vote, but not the right to run for office. Then we could just pick out the candidates we wanted and they could choose! We've been doing this for years, we don't want some uppity new bloke trying to tell us what to do."

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#178: Free Press Too Free? [Ice Hockey Players; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Citizens, politicians, and businessmen have been campaigning for the government to keep a tighter rein on the media after several well-respected newspapers printed false articles with contents ranging from claims that @@ANIMAL@@ City had been stolen by a UFO to erroneous share prices which led to job-losses and a stock market decline.

The Debate
1. "Over a thousand jobs lost!" clamours @@RANDOM_NAME@@, angry protester and ex-employee of Dreddmax Incorporated. "And why? Because the press isn't concerned about the truth anymore; all it wants is higher sales! We must forbid these rags from lying to the people and dish out heavy fines to those who try! This so-called 'free press' has a dark side, you know. We learnt that ever since we discovered it wasn't cottage cheese they were mining up north!"

2. "This is censorship!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, editor-in-chief of The Hebdomadal Gabfest while carefully noting everything you say in a notepad. "We speak for the people! Admittedly some newspapers didn't check all of their facts before they published, but that doesn't merit such draconian measures at all! If we're only allowed to print the absolute truth then how soon before we're getting constantly sued by politicians for libel? What about our rumour columns? It'll totally destroy the business! The government must have no part in repression of the media!"

3. "You know that no matter what we decide we're going to make people mad," points out @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Public Relations. "But the best way to control public opinion is to tell the public what their opinions are. I suggest nationalising all the newspapers and putting them under government control. Then we can tell them whatever we like! After all, we're much more trustworthy than some profit-driven media moguls, right? At least we won't have to issue ANOTHER public statement to tell everyone you're not a hyper-intelligent aubergine."

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#179: Mad @@ANIMAL@@ Disease Outbreak! [The Stevillian Empire; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Tens of thousands of @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ all over @@NAME@@ have been found to have contracted the fatal and highly contagious Mad @@ANIMAL@@ Disease, destroying livestock and causing widespread panic after evidence that the disease is transmissible to your citizens was released.

The Debate
1. "I'm afraid this is terrible news," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Dreaded Lurgies. "All these animals must be culled at once to prevent contamination of our foodstocks and to stop the disease from spreading to citizens! It'll be a bit of a blow for the food industries, what with all their livelihood being destroyed, but it's the only way!"

*2. "We've got to look at this in the long term," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a rustic farmer. "How will we farmers survive when we've got nothin' to sell? I'd suggest puttin' more tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ into the whatjamacallit... medical research thingy so we can finds a cure, 'cos if we don't it'll just come around again and we'll all be in the same sticky mess. In the meanwhile, we should just hold the fort if you know what I mean. Import some @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ from abroad, no-one need know!" [Must not have Autarky.]

*3. "We've got to look at this in the long term," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a rustic farmer. "How will we farmers survive when we've got nothin' to sell? I'd suggest puttin' more tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ into the whatjamacallit... medical research thingy so we can finds a cure, 'cos if we don't it'll just come around again and we'll all be in the same sticky mess. In the meanwhile, we should just hold the fort if you know what I mean. Smuggle some @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ from abroad, no-one need know!" [Must have Autarky.]

[4]. "You call that an answer to short-term problems?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a likewise rustic farmer. "It can take months and months to find a vaccine you know! The meat industry will still take a hit and I jus' don't have the resources to see me and me kids through this kind of financial upheaval. I reckon the government folks should go ahead with the culling idea and compensate us farmers for our losses! That's a lot cheaper than putting all our money into tests that most likely won't work don't you think?" [Validity TBD]

5. "Wait a minute!" interrupts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a querimonious taxpayer. "Why do I have to pay a burden because of these pointless animals? I suggest we do nothing, let them die off... or just sell them. I mean, it's a bit much when the government starts saying what we can or cannot put in our refridgerators isn't it?"

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#180: Mobile Maladies [Grindleria; ed: Sirocco & Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Recent technological developments in mobile phones are raising concerns from your citizens about the possible harm they are doing to the modern generation.

The Debate
1. "Everyone is just staring at their phone screens these days!" messages anti-mobile lobbyist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, via the WotsOn chat service. "Between social media, augmented reality games and personal assistant software, people now spend more time looking at and talking to their phones than they do interacting with real people! Let's not forget the dangers of these distracting devices either: inattentive driving, pedestrian collisions, eye strain, repetitive strain injuries... They've caused more deaths than exploding cupboards, the ironing board, and Godzilla put together. I say we create just one hour every lunchtime where everybody is obliged to keep their phones off. Let's rediscover the art of conversation!"

*2. "This is utter nonsense. Mobile phones are nothing other than beneficial to society! I'll have you know that not one of our privately-funded studies has found the slightest bit of evidence to the contrary!" argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Amber Phones, gesturing towards a wiggly line on a clipboard as @@HE@@ nonchalantly slips a wad of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ into your back pocket. "Have you ever seen anyone drop dead in the street just because they were chatting on one of our new uPhone85 models for sale now at low, low prices? No! It's just blatant scaremongering! I implore the government to dismiss these crackpots' complaints."
[Must have private industry]

*3. "This is utter nonsense. Mobile phones are nothing other than beneficial to society! I'll have you know that not one of our state-funded studies has found the slightest bit of evidence to the contrary!" argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of Telecommunications Monitoring, nonchalantly leaning on a stack of transcripts of notable dissidents' telephone conversations. "Have you ever seen anyone drop dead in the street while chatting on one of our trackable audio-monito... I mean 'publicly funded cellphones'? No! It's just blatant scaremongering! I implore the government to dismiss these crackpots' complaints." [Must not have private industry]

4. "I don't believe they're harmful either," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a teacher. "But it's obvious to everyone what a detrimental effect it has on our children! Everywhere I look, I'm seeing children as young as four tapping away at the blasted things! Do you know how many lessons I've had interrupted by the 'Crazy @@ANIMAL@@' ringtone, or by little Timmy saying there's a collectable Pokeachew under my desk? Do you know how many of my pupils think 'great' is spelled with a number? Too many! Only adults should be allowed to own and use mobile phones!"

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#181: Radio Rebels Ruffle Government [Dupeksland; ed: Myrth]

The Issue
The 'Underground Element', a newly formed resistance force to the governing party in @@NAME@@, has begun broadcasting anti-government messages over a network of public radio stations.

The Debate
1. "These rebels are harmless," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, political commentator. "In the interests of free speech and democracy, we should allow them to broadcast their messages. There's nothing wrong with a little criticism of the government - indeed, it could do with some more incentive to perform well."

2. "It'd be one thing if it was genuinely insightful criticism," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your personal advisor. "But this is a disgrace! It's simply fear-mongering and government-bashing. We should shut down these punks before they fill our citizens' heads full of mistruths. And while we're at it, there are a few other radio stations that need to smarten up their attitude to the government, too."

*3. "Now now, let's be reasonable about this," muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, radio chatshow host. "The government should think very carefully before it gets into the business of telling people what they can and can't say on the air. The solution here is not to ban criticism, but to price radio station licenses at an appropriate level - that is, higher than a rabble of unshaven hippies can afford." [Must have private industry]

*4. "Now now, let's be reasonable about this," muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, radio chatshow host. "The government should think very carefully before it gets into the business of telling people what they can and can't say on the air. The solution here is not to ban criticism, but to ensure that everyone gets an equal voice - that is, a socialism-inspired approach to apportioning airtime." [Must not have private industry]

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#182: Younger Voters a Cure for Apathy? [South Westerburg; ed: Myrth]

The Issue
With voter interest in politics plummeting, the idea of lowering the minimum voter age has been suggested.

The Debate
1. "It's their future as well, let the youngsters have their say!" calls @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a retired history teacher. "By their early-teens, they should know as much about our government and political process as any other voter. It's time we got some young blood infused into the political process and got people interested in politics again."

2. "Are you mad?" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, government treasurer. "Teenagers are way too easily distracted! They'll end up making snap decisions and lumber us with some incompetent fool who reduces our economy to ruin and could even end up giving out tax cuts! If anything, the government needs to be more careful about who we allow to vote. Background checks and strict conditions placed on all voters should help keep our government running smoothly."

3. "All these elections are awfully troublesome," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your senior aide. "I mean, it's obvious you know what's best for the people and for @@NAME@@, so why don't we cut out the whole voting thing and just appoint the ministers directly? Think of all the money we'd save, and the trees that would be spared from being turned into ballot papers!"

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#183: Buy A Better Baby? [Sci; ed: Myrth]

The Issue
A top fertility clinic has recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called 'designer babies'.

The Debate
*1. "Embryo selection isn't really genetic engineering in the technical sense," explains Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. "It's more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire. I can't really see what's wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity." [Abortion is legal]

*2. "Embryo selection isn't really genetic engineering in the technical sense," explains Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. "It's more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire... which I guess would be illegal under the nation's abortion ban, but you should be 'terminating' that ban too. I can't really see what's wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity." [Abortion is illegal]

*3. "Thou shalt pay for thy sins!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a crucifix. "This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are to be born with horrible defects then it's God's will and who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!" [Must not ban religions]

*4. "We will pay for our hubris!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a banner. "This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are born with horrible defects then it's just nature taking its course. Who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!" [Must ban religions]

5. "This technology shows promise," muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, minister of health. "But we can't trust the private sector with the future of our nation's children. We must place it under strict government regulation, so that we only screen out embryos with serious genetic conditions."

6. "This has got me thinkin'," says General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, thumbing through a big folder marked 'X'. "If this technology lets us reduce genetic defects, then couldn't it work the other way? We could create ourselves an army of genetically superior soldiers! With our army of Super Soldiers, no nation would dare stand in our way!"

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#184: Compulsory Military Service Under Attack [Randino; ed: Myrth]

The Issue
Concerned mothers and nervous school-leavers are petitioning the government to abolish compulsory military service.

The Debate
1. "Our children are forced to be trained to murder!" protests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairman of the Parents Against All Things Violent organisation. "For too long now the government has been snatching away our children and training them to become killing machines. This archaic practice must be banned at once! Sure, some of them could end up breaking into cars or terrorising old people, but hey, kids will be kids, right?"

2. "What a preposterous idea!" scoffs Drill Sergeant @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The youth of @@NAME@@ has never needed the discipline provided by the armed forces more than it does today, and with all those rogue states out there we need all the recruits we can get! If anything, the government should lengthen the required service and drop the minimum age to something more reasonable."

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#185: "Bring Back Our Booze!" Cry Revellers [Eta Carinae; ed: Myrth]

The Issue
Crowds of angrily sober sports fans and university students have petitioned the government to repeal the prohibition of alcohol.

The Debate
1. "Banning alcohol was the worst government decision ever made," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a former connoisseur of fine wines. "One can only drink grape juice for so long before one gets most awfully tired of it! Our society needs alcohol: it reduces inhibitions, dulls the pains of our modern existence and lets us all have a good time. Yes there are those who abuse it, but that's their choice. The government needs to start re-issuing liquor licences right away!"

2. "It's certainly not the choice of the victims of drink-driving!" retorts police chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Or the families torn apart by alcoholism! Banning it caused huge drops in violence, vehicle accidents and medical costs. How could any sane person want to re-legalise that poison? What we need is more money for the police so we can crack down on criminals smuggling in and selling alcohol and impose heavier penalties."

3. "In large amounts alcohol is damaging, but moderate amounts can actually be quite beneficial," says Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Like many other potentially harmful drugs, alcohol should be available on prescription. Sure, it'll be more work for the health service, but I'm sure we can manage it... with a little extra funding."

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#186: Carjacking Concerns [Vortengard; ed: Myrth]

The Issue
Terrified motorists are complaining about the increasing number of hijackings that are taking place outside the big city areas.

The Debate
1. Hijacking victim @@RANDOM_NAME@@ wants the government to take action against the road pirates: "Inner-city crime is nothing compared to the brutality these gangs show! They block the roads with trucks or felled trees and hide on the roadside until some poor unsuspecting motorist pulls up. The government must introduce a special police unit to patrol these isolated areas!"

*2. "More police isn't the answer," retorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of research at @@NAME@@'s largest car manufacturer. "This is a job for the private sector! We already have blueprints for cars with bullet-proof armour and mounted machine guns, and, if you'll pass appropriate legislation, we can have these things on sale in weeks. Let the people defend themselves!" [Must have private industry]

*3. "More police isn't the answer," retorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of research at @@NAME@@'s state-run automobile factory. "People simply need the tools to defend themselves! We already have blueprints for cars with bullet-proof armour and mounted machine guns, and, if you'll provide the funding, we can have these fitted as standard to all cars. Firepower to the people!" [Must not have private industry]

4. "This just proves how cars are more trouble than they're worth." says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the Transport Worker's Union. "If the government bans cars and pours more money into public transport, everyone will be much safer and happier! Except from people who live outside major cities, of course - but then, that's their choice."

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#187: Underclass Drowning In Debt [Crazahkistan; ed: Myrth]

The Issue
In response to an increasing number of people falling into debt and declaring bankruptcy, activists are arguing that the government should take a stronger role in protecting its citizens from loosely regulated lending firms and in helping its citizens pay off or cancel their debts.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of consumer watchdog 'Debt-Busters' urges the government to enact new laws: "We've got middle and lower class families falling victim to predatory financial institutions and plunging into debts they can never hope to repay. The government must pass legislation restricting things like interest rates to stem the tide of people losing their property to these sharks, and take an active role reviewing all loan repayment terms."

2. "That's just not going far enough!" cries newspaper columnist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The government must eliminate the shackles of debt from our good nation once and for all! What we need are vast reforms of the welfare system then we can provide these poor, downtrodden souls with money and housing, so they don't need to take out such huge loans in the first place!"

3. "They're irresponsible with their money and yet they're the victims? Call me crazy but borrowing money and not paying it back isn't debt, it's theft!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, representitive of one of @@NAME@@'s largest lending firms. "What we really need is the power to send these parasites to debtor prisons, where they can work off the money they owe through hard manual labour."

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#188: Video Games Too Violent, Say Parents [The Stakanian Isles; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Recently, there has been an enormous commercial success for 'violent' video games such as 'Blood 'n' Guts 2: The Revenge', 'Tremor', and 'Grand Theft Tricycle'. Several parents' groups have been calling for tougher restrictions on these games.

The Debate
1. "We must outlaw these violent games immediately!" shouts Catherine Gratwick, a member of Mothers Ordered Against Nastiness, "These so-called 'games' are desensitising our children to violence and making them more aggressive. Why, just the other day I witnessed my son firing a missile launcher in a videogame and the next day he went out and robbed a bank! He may be thirty-five, but you can't possibly say it's a coincidence!"

2. "Oh noez!" cries DEATMASTER_69, one of @@NAME@@'s foremost authorities on video games. "That's stupid! If a child is psychotic, it's not because they played 'Hellstorm of Fireblood 3' or whatever, it's because their parents were stupid enough to not teach little Johnny the difference between right and wrong and don't want to take the blame. Just because I like to n00k countries in games doesn't mean I like to shoot people in real life. That's false data! So just relax and let the kids play their games, hey?"

3. "Why not rate games the same way we rate movies?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a spokesperson for the @@NAME@@ Censorship Board. "We could give each game a content rating based on age appropriateness, and add descriptors on the box explaining why the game gets a certain rating. A little funding and we can stop children getting violent video games without affecting all the older 'gamers'. Everyone will be happy. Except tax payers, I guess."

4. "The children will manage to get their hands on the games anyway," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a fitness instructor. "Parents can be so ignorant. In my opinion, the only damage these video games are causing is physical: kids are becoming less inclined to exercise, and it doesn't really matter if they are violent; the result is the same either way. The only way to get bums off seats is to ban all video games. Maybe then we'll see a difference in the national waistline!"

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#189: Dangerously Cheesy [Disposablepuppetland; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
The popular daily cartoon strip "Barry the @@ANIMAL@@" has always been highly critical of the political system within @@NAME@@, but in recent weeks the cartoon has depicted the main characters throwing melted cheese at unpopular politicians. Inspired by this, protestors armed with fondue sets stormed a government building, cheesing off several government officials.

The Debate
1. "It's just a bit of harmless fun!", says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, creator of Barry the @@ANIMAL@@, while spraying your advisors with melted cheddar. "If the government were doing a better job people wouldn't feel the need to throw cheese at them. We should be free to express our displeasure in any way we choose. Besides, my cartoon books are selling like hot cakes, and that's got to be good for the economy, right?"

*2. "This has got to stop!" insists @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the censorship board. "I spent 3 hours this morning scraping Wensleydale out of my hair! Arrest these lunatics! The protestors and the people responsible for this vile cartoon, throw them all into jail!" [Must have prisons]

*3. "This has got to stop!" insists @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the censorship board. "I spent 3 hours this morning scraping Wensleydale out of my hair! Arrest these lunatics! The protestors and the people responsible for this vile cartoon, put them in stocks, and throw blue cheese at them!" [Must not have prisons]

4. "Arrrrrgh!" screams lactose-intolerant @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a member of the public safety board, as incoming rounds of mature gouda smash the windows and claim the suits of several nearby advisors. "As I've been saying for many years now, cheese is a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands and should be outlawed. Ban all cheese now, and enforce it!"

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#190: Immigrants Import Homeland Rivalries [Rowaria; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
After a series of bloody wars between the nations of Maxtopia and North Bigtopia, fights have broken out in the streets between immigrants in @@NAME@@ who came from the warring nations.

The Debate
*1. "Foreigners are a major cause of civil disturbances," begins @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose opinions form the book '101 Arguments FOR Slavery'. "What we should do is make all immigrants, foreigners, and non-native @@NAME@@ folks slaves! I mean, who in @@NAME@@ wouldn't like a minority slave group to do his bidding? Imagine! People could be bought and sold over the Internet!" [Must have internet]

*2. "Foreigners are a major cause of civil disturbances," begins @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose opinions form the book '101 Arguments FOR Slavery'. "What we should do is make all immigrants, foreigners, and non-native @@NAME@@ folks slaves! I mean, who in @@NAME@@ wouldn't like a minority slave group to do his bidding? Imagine! People could be bought and sold with your daily groceries!" [Must not have internet]

3. "I am shocked and appalled at what my colleague is suggesting!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, President of the Civil Rights Union of @@NAME@@. "Slavery? We should punish these offenders, yes, but send them to rehabilitation centres instead! As for the ethnic squabbles, programs in school should begin to stop these racist attitudes in childhood! All it will take is some slight fortification to the education budget!"

4. A quiet old man stands up to speak. "Now, I may be a quiet old man, but I believe that these ethnic disputes are none of the government's business. It's not our war anyway, so it's not our problem. I'm sure if you leave it alone, it'll work itself out. Just think of the money that would be saved if the police don't have to be paid to deal with this!"

5. "It's not our war? It's not our war?" cries (in)famous @@NAME@@-born fascist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Well maybe it's time it became our war! @@NAME@@ should take a more active, and by 'active' I mean 'hostile', role in international politics! This ethnic squabbling will be over when the war is over, and WE can end that war and purge the impure! @@SLOGAN@@! Sieg @@NAME@@!"

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#191: Blood Banks Running Dry [Karmanyaka; ed: Sirocco, Euroslavia]

The Issue
A violent and rather messy stampede of @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ during a parade in your honour has brought widespread media attention to the shortage of blood, plasma and platelet donors in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "Blood donation should be compulsory!" argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a spokesperson for the @@NAME@@ Blood Donors' Association. "We can't expect citizens to come flocking to donate blood just out of the goodness of their hearts, so the government should take the matter into its own hands. If we could maybe require healthy citizens to... let's say... donate blood every three months, we wouldn't have such a problem with shortages. It'll require more funding to organise and carry out, yes, but your people are worth it, aren't they?"

[2]. "Don't listen to that pawn of Satan!" preaches @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of a few Jehovah's Witnesses willing to offer you any political opinion other than deliberate neutrality. "It isn't up to us to decide what should be done: it's clear in Scripture that blood transfusion is forbidden! I'd rather die clean and have a chance at eternal life, thank you very much! We must heed the Bible, and ban blood donations now! Of course some people will die, but they will be gifted with salvation for obeying His word." [Must not have atheism]

3. "You're kidding, right?" burbles anaemic patient @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from a hospital bed. "I'm not going to let some closed-minded priest tell me what I can and can't do with my blood! But I don't think people should be forced to give blood; they just need incentive, that's all. Like money. Trust me, any kind of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ For Blood' scheme will have them almost begging to donate. It's the only humane way to ensure that people like me are getting the care we need. If you're worried about funding just get it from those religious nuts... they're not helping anyone with it."

[4]. "I have an even better idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a prison officer. "How about we force every healthy prisoner to donate blood? It's about time they gave back to society what they've taken away in the first place. If we do this we won't have to beg the law-abiding citizens of @@NAME@@ to take time out of their day to give blood. It's not like these thugs are really doing anything for us, so missing a pint or three won't matter, am I right?" [Must have prisons]

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#192: Coup d'Etat In @@NAME@@! [Miravesel; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
During a state visit to a foreign nation, revolutionaries took advantage of your absence to seize government buildings, take workers hostage, and demand an end to your 'tyrannical' regime.

The Debate
1. "We call on our great leader to renounce this corrupt regime and join the revolution!" shouts revolutionary leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while holding a knife to the throat of a terrified government minister. "For far too long have we toiled under the corruption and mendacity of the borgwa... bushawzee... rich people! It is time for a reckoning! DISSOLVE THE GOVERNMENT! Let us tear off the shackles of oppression and put an end to this dictatorship of our souls!"

2. "Our soldiers are ready to storm the building and gun down these interlopers at once," says your Minister of Defence at an emergency meeting in a secret bunker. "We must demonstrate strength in the face of these traitors and quickly. If we give any leeway to these people they'll just try to push for more and more power and overthrow us totally. We've got to nip this in the bud and direct much more funding toward the military in the future so they never try this again! If we press down hard enough, they'll never dare to even ask for more freedoms."

3. "That's too dangerous," says your Commissioner of Police, who also happens to be your cousin. "We could lose hostages that way. We've just got to stand proud as the honorable citizens of @@NAME@@ and negotiate with these people for the safe release of our workers. Don't take this the wrong way, I think you're a great leader, but maybe we could give the nation some freedoms in return. They may be asking for total control, but I think you'll find they'll make do with a lot less."

4. "Hey, that's just silly," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your personally appointed Minister of the Free Press. "I know a way which means we won't have to give these hippies their freedoms and also allows us to get our workers back, which is good for your image I might add. Money can't buy you love, but it can buy you peace. If you paid several million @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to the rebels, I'm sure you'll find them much more co-operative. Remember, it's better to spend money than spend lives. From a publicity point of view anyway."

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#193: Robots Leaving Workers Jobless [The Ethics Union; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Amidst a growing level of unemployment, thousands of workers have been fired and then replaced by automatic systems. They have petitioned you to intervene.

The Debate
1. "It's just sickening! Do you know how long it took most of us to get a decent, 'stable' job?" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the @@NAME@@ Labour Alliance, before dramatically sweeping your personal belongings off your desk. "And now we're losing our livelihoods to robots so that while our families starve, the corporations get even richer! Don't let the capitalist pigs blind you! This practice must be banned!"

2. "Hey, I've got a job to keep up too, you know," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a factory manager. "If I don't think of new ways of keeping costs down, the investors will go elsewhere. It's my neck on the line as much as anyone else's, even if I do have much more money. Besides, it's business, and no-one ought to be able to say who - or what - I can hire."

3. "This could be resolved if instead of replacing workers with machines, we added machines to workers!" enthuses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Mondas Ltd. "By replacing the body parts with stronger, better, metal prostheses, we can make the best industrial workers - literally - in the world! Imagine a shelver who can shift whole crates with just one arm! One finger! So let's hear no more of this deplorable 'replacing workers with machines' idea and look to the future!"

4. "You can't allow that!" gasps @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a manual labourer. "If that happens, only the people with cyber limbs will get jobs! And the corporations will contract you into having the surgery if you want to have one! No thank you! We should go back to the grass roots of industry when all the machines weren't computerised and workers were the salt of the earth! Then maybe we'd see a bit more appreciation! And cash!"

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#194: A Request for Military Aid [The Rogue Soldiers; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A small nameless nation within your sphere of influence has gone on a genocidal rampage within its own borders, ridding itself of what their Supreme Ruler For All Eternity, Emperor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, refers to as 'those filthy Bigtopians'. Some escaped refugees are requesting that your government do something to end the slaughter of millions.

The Debate
1. "They're killing everyone!" gasps @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of the refugees. "I implore you to please intervene and stop this murder of my people! If @@NAME@@ has any compassion at all then it must help us! With these madmen out of power we can finally go about rebuilding our nation as a land of justice and freedom!"

2. "Woah, woah, we can't just go around being a knight in shining armour for every random hell-hole on this planet," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Foreign Relations. "Should we send citizens of @@NAME@@ into war just so we can save a bunch of foreigners? I don't think so! Now, I'm no xenophobe, but I've gotta ask: what's in it for us? Nothing but the death of our soldiers and criticism from the rest of the region, that's what. Trouble is we're getting too much of a reputation for having a big army. So drop some of our military funding and let them fight their own wars. It's got nothing to do with us."

3. "Well, maybe this nation does have something we need, sir," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Military Advisor, while perusing a giant map of @@NAME@@. "We're fast running out of land and resources here, so why not invade this place, kick out whoever's in power there, and take over? We've got the military power, so why wait? If any of those hippies in the region have somethin' to say about it, they can say hello to our missile programmes, haha!"

4. "They have as much right to their own internal politics as we do," says activist and peacenik @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "While their actions may be deplorable by our standards, we can't intervene unless the legitimate government requests it. It's just an invitation to anarchy on an international scale, and nobody but a few crackpots want that."

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#195: Right Of Way Or Wrong Of Way? [Teaberry; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
An increasing number of land owners have been fencing off footpaths which run through or near their property and as a result you have been petitioned by The Ramblers' and Hikers' Association to allow the 'right to roam'.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a famous hiker of @@NAME@@'s countryside, storms into your office, arms waving dangerously. "These pompous land owners are fencing off hundreds of years of tradition! The public should have right of way by law! It is every man's right to be able to enjoy the scenic beauty of our native lands and I don't see why some toffee-nosed prat should be the only person allowed to walk around his hundreds of acres of land when most of us don't even have one! It's simply unforgivable! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going for a walk! Wherever I ruddy well like!"

2. "It's trespass, plain and simple," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wealthy owner of six mansions. "My home is my castle! If these smelly ramblers think they can abuse and defile my land, they should start thinking again! You've got to look at this reasonably: where people go, pollution follows. Before I know it I'm going to have litter in my fields, drunken parties in my woods, and more eroded footpaths than I can count! Will they be the ones paying to have it all maintained? Not likely! I say no to this 'right to roam' rubbish! This land is mine, and I intend to keep it that way."

3. "There's an opportunity in every problem," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Rural Affairs. "And there's always some sort of compromise. We could simply allocate some government funding to teams of environmental workers to maintain and promote our network of footpaths that anyone may use... for a price. Think of the money we could get from all those hikers and ramblers! Not to mention the tourists, birdwatchers, and hippies! Everybody wins! Except for those who can't afford the fees, I guess, but you can't please everyone."

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#196: Violent Violetists Protest Artists [SalusaSecondus; ed: SalusaSecondus]

The Issue
Several musicians have recently produced songs in which "Violet" sings silly and offensive things, causing outcries of horror from the Order of Violet.

The Debate
1. "THIS IS BLASPHEMY!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Grand High Poobah of the Order of Violet. "Our holy scriptures specifically forbid any portrayal of our prophet's most holy voice. We cannot permit people to slander and mock our prophet and insult all of us. These people are simply doing this to see if we are extremists. Death to the blasphemers!"

2. Speaking anonymously and from hiding, one of the musicians says, "It was just meant to be a joke! I never thought that they'd take it so seriously. I just wanted to give them a little ribbing like I do the other major religions of Pastafarianism and Frisbeetarianism." @@RANDOM_NAME@@ glances over their shoulder to see if anyone is watching, "Please don't try to figure out who I am. I'm scared for my safety. The government should protect my freedom to insult whomever I want. Freedom of speech should hold nothing sacred, not even God."

3. "Freedom of speech is important, but so is freedom of religion. Surely we can strike some sort of balance?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chief spokesperson for the @@NAME_INITIALS@@SOC (the @@NAME@@ Society of Compromisers). "Freedom of speech comes with a responsibility. People must avoid anything that insults another's religion, and if they aren't willing to do it themselves, the government must enforce it."

[4]. "@@HIS@@ Holiness, the Grand High Poobah of Violet, has the right idea, but the wrong religion," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Prelate of Primary Public Relations for the fanatical organization @@NAME@@'s Concerned Citizens for Our God. "This nation needs an official religion, and not support the Godless heathens who worship the idolotrous Violet. Appoint me as your spiritual adviser an I'll ensure that all people worship God in the correct way." [Does not have national religion]

5. "They've got it all wrong. Freedom of speech isn't the problem, religion is!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, at a local AA (Atheists Anonymous) meeting. "If religion were outlawed, this problem would solve itself. Just send them in for medical treatment. After all, anyone who believes in some big invisible dude who can do anything is clearly nuts."

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#197: Breastfeeding In Public: Innocent Or Indecent? [Bronteland; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A young mother was recently thrown out of a restaurant in @@NAME@@ for publicly breastfeeding her baby and 'upsetting the customers'. There are now demands for the government to state their position on the issue.

The Debate
1. "We should have a perfect right to feed our babies where we want and when we want without fear of harassment from anyone," declares Catherine Gratwick, a likewise young mother. "Why should women hide themselves away just to assuage the silly attitudes of these narrow-minded fogies? It's totally natural, and much healthier than bottle-feeding for both mother and child so why the fuss? Today, women are afraid to breastfeed in public and the law should be on their side - if not for their benefit, then for that of the children."

2. "I think it's just wrong, wrong, wrong," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, in reply to an online survey. "These women should cover themselves up and feed their kids away from sight like respectable folk. It's not like bottles don't exist! I don't want to have to look at that sort of thing when I'm having a romantic dinner or going on a nice leisurely walk down the street, you know. It should be a private thing, like other bodily functions that I rather care not to mention."

3. "I'm not against mothers breastfeeding in public," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a manager of human resources. "But what I find objectionable is that women could be allowed to breastfeed at the workplace when they should be doing more productive things like, well, working. They can't do that if they want to entertain and feed their baby at the same time can they? Can you imagine policewomen doing this on the job? Doctors? Politicians? Mark my words, this is a bad path to take and will ultimately be disruptive to the national economy. And my bonus."

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#198: Not All Those Who Wander Are Paying [CR Oscilloscopes; ed: Sirocco & Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After a much-publicised incident involving a farmer's attempts to drive a family of travellers off private property, there has been a call for you to review the laws governing nomadic communities and their mobile homes.

The Debate
1. "These turnpike travellers just rolled onto my field in those caravans of theirs and camped out," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the enraged farmer. "And when I tries to run 'em over with my tractor, it's me who gets stuck in the cells overnight! I've tried getting the government to evict them but they take too long over it. How would these people have reacted if I'd set up a tent in their back garden? There should be a law so I can get rid of them any way I choose. Vagrants should not be allowed to go wherever they like. It's just not fair to landowners."

2. "All we wanted was a place to stay the night," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a traveller and parent of fourteen children. "Or maybe for a week or so. Or a month. Perhaps through winter; it's pretty mild around here, I don't know. But is that such a crime? We weren't stealing anything, or harming anyone. All we ask is to be allowed to continue our travels without harassment."

3. "I don't think that's a good idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your advisors who happens to own an extensive greenfield site. "We can't just let people go living wherever they like just because they've been doing it for hundreds of years. It's very untidy! What I suggest is that we dip into the coffers and buy plots of land, all over the country, and turn them into nice safe areas where these folks can stay for as long as they want before they decide to move on. See? Problem solved."

4. "I have the best solution," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, in response to a street survey. "These itinerants should be arrested, their caravans sold for scrap, and, and... told not to do it again! I think we've all had enough with the government pussy-footing their way around these criminals! The way they just swan in and disrupt communities any way they please! And think of what their presence would do to the value of my property! People ought to live in bricks and mortar, not tins on wheels!"

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#199: More Jails Needed [Deleuze; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Since prisons were banned, @@NAME@@'s crime rate has skyrocketed and calls have been made for the creation of a new prison system.

The Debate
1. "I don't think we can bear it any longer," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, victim of three robberies and one attempted stabbing. "The criminals have taken over @@NAME@@. I'd say it's not safe to leave the front door unlocked but there aren't any left! We have GOT to reintroduce prisons and dramatically increase police funding if this nation's going to be restored to the way it once was, you know? A place where you don't need a mantrap on the doormat or seven sets of keys. If that money has to come from silly things like social welfare and education, that's fine with me."

2. "Jails? What are they good for?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a shifty-looking advisor of yours whose eyes are too close together. "All they do is create a drain on the public purse and for what? Keeping society's malcontents alive and in places of luxurious comfort? It's not worth it. Just forget this jail business and while we're at it, cut the police budget. If there's ever a worse criminal organisation out there, it's @@NAME@@'s boys in orangey-pink. Trust me."

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#200: Birds, Bees, And Breeding Teens [Eta Carinae; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A study has shown that an increasing proportion of teenagers in @@NAME@@ are falling pregnant.

The Debate
*1. "We need comprehensive sex education to be mandatory in all schools," says teacher @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while tidying away some diagrams that make your eyes water. "The plain fact is that teenagers will experiment with sexual intercourse despite what society or their parents wish. So I say give these kids free contraceptives, and make them fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Information is what they need, not condemnation. If they ignore it then hey, it's their own damn fault." [Contraception is legal.]

*2. We need comprehensive sex education to be mandatory in all schools," says teacher @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while tidying away some diagrams that make your eyes water. "The plain fact is that teenagers will experiment with sexual intercourse despite what society or their parents wish. So I say we relegalise contraception, and give it to these kids for free. We must make them fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Information is what they need, not condemnation. If they ignore it then hey, it's their own damn fault. [Contraception is illegal.]

**3. "If you give them contraception it'll just encourage them to do... terrible things," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a religious parent and member of evangelist group Moral Minority. "And what's with giving them so much information? There's even diagrams for goodness sake! Have they never heard of 'monkey see, monkey do'? They'll just go and try it out, mark my words! The solution is simple: girls should be kept at home and away from the monkey house of lustful impetuousness and young males until they are of age. Teaching teenagers abstinence and chastity is the key, not giving them step-by-step manuals." [Must lean towards being religious]

**4. "If you give them contraception it'll just encourage them to do... terrible things," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a constantly offended parent and member of traditionalist pressure-group Moral Minority. "And what's with giving them so much information? There's even diagrams for goodness sake! Have they never heard of 'monkey see, monkey do'? They'll just go and try it out, mark my words! The solution is simple: girls should be kept at home and away from the monkey house of lustful impetuousness and young males until they are of age. Teaching teenagers abstinence and chastity is the key, not giving them step-by-step manuals." [Must lean towards being secular]

5. "However sex education is taught, it is still social engineering and so undermines parental authority," says conservative moral crusader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "My own son learned about something called 'homosexuality' the other day! For shame! We all know it should be Adam and Eve, not Adam and... Geoff? Anyway, my point is that sex education should be dropped from schools and instead taught by parents the way they see fit. That way children will get consistent messages and parents, not society, will cop the blame if any of their kids fall pregnant."

6. "No-one's asked me my opinion yet," says teenage mother Catherine Gratwick, as she bottle-feeds her baby. "I think it's perfectly obvious what the cause of teenage pregnancy is - teenage boys! My son's father is the one that got me into this mess. He's the one who pressured me into having sex, but all the education is focused on the girls. Teenage fathers should be made responsible for their actions for once and be made to join the military so they can send their wages back to pay for their children's upkeep. If that's not a deterrent, then I don't know what is."

7. "I think we've missed the fact that maybe this teenage pregnancy phenomenon is not such a bad thing," says famous demographer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We need the population to grow, we need more men of working age, we need more folk to pay taxes, et cetera. There are plenty of sound demographic reasons why we should be encouraging women to have families as soon as they can. I don't think we ought to discourage teenagers from procreating - it's nature's way you know."

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:53 am

#201: Jolly Roger Sighted Off The Port Bow! [I V Stalin; ed: Sirocco, Scolopendra, & GMC Military Arms]

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s merchant navy has seen increasing attacks from swashbuckling pirates in recent months, devastating the nation's foreign trade.

The Debate
1. "We should blow them out of the water!" says First Lord Admiral @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These waterlogged vagabonds have been plundering our ships for far too long! All our exports from the @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ industry are going straight into their hands! It's downright dangerous for us to let this continue! All we require is some funding for coastal patrol boats, fleet carriers, and nuclear submarines and a free hand to show these freebooters what's what."

2. "Hello," says a grog-swilling, peg-legged scurvy dog entering your office. "I'm @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a mighty pirate. I'd like to suggest that instead of wasting all that money on attacking pirates you simply buy them off with barrels of bullion, jewels and Maxtopian gold! There'll still be pirates around, sure, but as long as everyone's paid off, they won't hinder your trade. Not much anyway."

[3]. "That's the second biggest load of bilge I've ever seen!" says Captain Grapnel, CFO of Hispaniola Shipping Insurance, LLC. "Shiver me timbers, if these scurvy dogs don't be cutting into me profit margin! Me comprehensive coverage has to pay out for victims o' illegality, and of course theft be illegal in this country, bu' that be giving me an idea - what if we were to have privateers? That is to say, if ye were to make piracy legal but with a quotar o' sorts, like huntin'? That way me and mine can stay in business and ye can get a fine cut o' th' booty from licence fees! Savvy?" [Must have private industry]

4. "Come now, that's hardly fair," argues 'gentleman pirate' Taupebeard de Gauche with a bow and flourish. "There is an ancient tradition of actively redistributing wealth on the high seas, and we active redistributors serve an important role in the global economy. You would not keep a family-run bookstore from handing down its business from generation to generation, would you? We simply ask, nay, demand the same right! And get rid of the word 'pirate'. It's a slur. We are corsairs - not common sea-faring thugs."

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#202: Guns Or Butter? [Roman Republics; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After years of costly military build-up, the military now has a state of readiness capable of responding to all threats, both foreign and domestic. There is extensive debate among government officials, the military, and the average citizen over what, if anything, should be done with this powerful asset.

The Debate
1. "No one even thinks to look at us funny now," says Field Marshall Lionel Mandrake as he taps a swagger stick against his hip. "So think about how they'd act when the military is in proper charge of the country? We'd say jump, and they'd jump, by jingo. Oh, and if you don't agree with me, consider this a coup."

2. "There's no point in having a military this size when our closest adversary has a water pistol strapped to a scooter and calls it an armoured brigade," says noted economist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Besides, the military's been getting uppity with all its funding anyway. Slash its budget, sell off its surplus, and put the money into tax relief and... of course... maintaining all those contractors. Sure, they won't make tanks anymore but they can sure make plenty of commemorative plates with all that money!"

3. "The military is too powerful!" cries famous peacenik Elvis Gandhi, smelling of petrol and holding a Zippo in one hand. "All those tanks and bombs threaten us and the environment - we're number one, and someone's gonna try and take us down because of it! The people are tired of eating grass soup so the army can get another stealth ICBM launching flamethrower tank. Cut military funding and rebuild our schools, hospitals, welfare, and environment... or else!" Upon which he flips open the lid of the lighter threateningly.

[4]. "Everyone's got it all wrong," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the @@NAME@@ Libertarian Party. "We need the military now to support our economy but we can't let it get out of control. I say we privatise it and divvy it up between several corporations, and make it self funding... it sounds radical but taxes will drop, the people will be happy, and we get to keep our military strength to show Johnny Foreigner what's what! Everyone wins! As long it's in the corporations' best interests to protect the country though, I suppose..." [Must have private industry]

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#203: Suffer The Starving Children? [Eta Carinae; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The nation is poor. A report from Médecins Sans Frontières has revealed that over a third of @@NAME@@'s children are either stunted, wasted or both stunted and wasted due to abject poverty.

The Debate
1. "Children like this are in desperate need of food," says Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ gesturing to a twelve-year-old starveling who is four foot tall and weighs twenty kilograms. "Yet every day I see big, fat tourists with their spoilt, asthmatic children. I'm sick of living on the wrong side of global capitalism. We must decentralise and localise the national economy by dismantling all cash-crop farms and give them to subsistence farmers to grow food crops. Everything must be nationalised so profits will flow into @@NAME@@ and not foreign shareholders. This will revitalise our economy on a subsistence level and bring everyone to an equal standing. Extreme, some might say, but who cares about these things when our children are going to bed, if they have a bed, hungry?"

2. "What? No! You can't! If we kick out foreign investors and corporations, then trade with other countries will grind to a halt," splutters Treasurer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "What I propose are Free Trade Agreements with richer countries. We can give rich countries complete access to our entire infrastructure sectors and natural and mineral resources in return for a reliable supply of food aid and other cheap imports. Hunger will end, probably, though not poverty; and the tax rate will drop. What sane government wouldn't make a dash for this goldmine?"

3. "The reason that so many families in @@NAME@@ are living in poverty is because they have too many children," claims controversial eugenecist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "What's the point of giving them aid if they continue to breed? All social, welfare and food aid benefits are a total waste of money. Let nature takes its course then maybe poor people will learn not to have so many children."

4. "Are you all completely money-obsessed?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an advocate of national welfare programmes. "There is a way to deal with this problem without giving foreigners complete control over our economy! Simply give more funding to welfare and healthcare to help the citizens most in need and maybe we'll get through this! Yes, taxes will rise, but that money could easily come from less deserving causes - let's say the military and the environment? What happened to this country that we put @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ before lives? I can remember when '@@SLOGAN@@' actually used to mean something! I think you should dwell on that thought."

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#204: Lack Of Doctors Needs Cure [Emperor Matthuis; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A newspaper article revealed that patients are waiting months for the most urgent operations. Hospitals have blamed it on a lack of qualified doctors and nurses.

The Debate
1. "The problem is that there just aren't enough incentives to enter the medical profession," says Doctor @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We need to advertise government grants for medical students, and give more funding to educational centres of medicine. If you don't act quickly then @@NAME@@ will have a full-blown healthcare crisis!"

2*. "Nah, it's just that we don't have the numbers of graduates or young doctors needed to fill the gap before we have a 'crisis'," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leafing through pages of statistics. "The best solution is to remove the immigration ban and recruit doctors from abroad. If we snag 'em from the poorer countries then we won't have to spend half as much as grants would cost us." [Must not have Immigration]

3*. "Nah, it's just that we don't have the numbers of graduates or young doctors needed to fill the gap before we have a 'crisis'," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leafing through pages of statistics. "The best solution is to recruit doctors from abroad. If we snag 'em from the poorer countries then we won't have to spend half as much as grants would cost us." [Must have Immigration]

4. "Or we could NOT waste money on bringing foreigners into the country," grumbles @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a wealthy businessman. "And giving money to the students? How many of them do you think will stay the whole course, hmm? How many @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ are we going to burn on this? Our healthcare system is great, there are thousands upon thousands of nations that would give their right province for what we have. I think we can afford to let go of some of that funding and give the good people of @@NAME@@ a tax break, don't you?"

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#205: No More Broccoli, Beg Meat-Eaters [Eta Carinae; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
As more people succumb to nutrient-deficiency ailments such as anaemia and kwashiorkor there are increasing calls to have compulsory vegetarianism repealed.

The Debate
1. "Humans are omnivores; we need meat!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, nutritionist and former butcher. "Every day I come across malnourished children; an entire generation stunted in both body and mind by an idiotic government policy. We need to stop crying about animal cruelty and environmental degradation and start thinking about human welfare. Life is cruel. Get over it."

2. "They're not malnourished, they're just ignorant idiots!" rants @@RANDOM_NAME@@, nutritionist and former animal liberationist. "Do you really expect the average joe to know anything about vitamins and nutrition? You don't just get protein or iron in red meat and if we could make this clearer to everyone with a nationwide 'Getting to Terms with Vegetarianism' programme so the populace learns how to eat healthily we would see a difference. Besides, meat-eating is a waste of resources, cruel to animals, and a drain on the environment. We must maintain our ban on meat-eating, and, moreover, outlaw all other animal-derivative products such as eggs, milk and honey."

3. "That's it, I've had enough with these smug leaf-eaters!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while tucking into an illegally imported steak. "I bet it'd really wipe the grins of self-satisfaction off their faces if we made meat-eating compulsory and banned vegetarianism! How'd you like that, eh? The thing these rabbits can't get into their head is that people LIKE meat. Who're you or anybody to say we shouldn't enjoy what we can while we can? Life is too short to worry about the feelings or rights of dumb animals! Down with veggies!"

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#206: @@NAME@@ Narrowly Misses Nuclear Accident [Takuma; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
When everyone in a city of northern @@NAME@@ coincidentally flushed their toilets at the same time, it nearly caused a meltdown at the local nuclear power plant. Now, protesters have taken to the streets over the possible safety hazards of such structures.

The Debate
1. "These plants are a constant danger to our environment and our way of life! They must be banned!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, pointing dramatically at the sky. "Day by day they churn radiation into our air and into our water! They dump toxic waste in our soil and do, ooh, terrible things! Yes, miners, nuclear engineers, scientists, et cetera will lose their jobs and electrical power prices will soar, but it's worth it to know my town isn't going to suddenly become a glowing crater."

2. "This is being blown way, way out of proportion," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the power plant's supervisor. "Nuclear power is one of, if not the, safest sources of electrical power. This was an isolated incident; the fact that it DID happen is enough to make me believe pigs are going to start sprouting wings! All these over-the-top safety rules are just eating away at the budget anyway. Give us some slack, eh? I can promise you that this will never, ever, ever happen again. Probably."

[3]. "I agree that this isn't likely to ever happen again," says Catherine Gratwick, the leader of a neighbouring nation. "But cutting down on safety is just a bad idea. If your government is in need of the cash then how about you let my nation outsource our power plants to you? It's simple: we pay you money to run power plants under our supervision in your nation that will power my country. It'll lower your unemployment rates, it'll boost your economy, it will truly show that your nation is part of modern times. Think about it for a moment." [Must not have an autark economy]

[4]. "Uh... you do realise she's just saying this because she doesn't want a nuclear disaster happening on her turf, right?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your elite circle of international spies. "What I suggest is that we do the same thing - pay some poorer country to take on our nuclear power plants. It's great! We get all the benefits of nuclear power with none of the risks! The only problem is the cost, but we can take that out of the education budget, it's bloated enough as it is." [Must not have an autark economy]

5. "I think we simply need to be more careful," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Safety. "There may be an issue with these plants, which can only be solved by upgrading to the latest state-of-the-art safety systems. There may be an issue with the employees which can only be solved by stringent training and only hiring the best of the best. I'm not going to lie to you, it will be very expensive, but the people need a stable supply of electricity, not worries of mutated radioactive monsters eating people's brains. Seriously."

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#207: Secret Police In @@NAME@@? [GX-Land; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Anarchists have been covertly putting up anti-government posters all over @@NAME@@. Some of your closest advisors have suggested the implementation of a secret police force to deal with the more... difficult members of society.

The Debate
1. "Sometimes a government has got to deal with something without having to go through the 'proper channels'," says '@@RANDOM_FIRST_NAME@@', who does not exist within any government records. "It happens sometimes and we have to deal with it. It's not just anarchists either - it's the terrorists, the criminals, the traitors, and the goddamn hippies. With a secret police we can arrest the troublemakers and torture them to find other dissenters without having to worry about fiddly matters like human rights."

2. "Don't listen to that idiot!" whispers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your more guilt-ridden henchpersons. "I don't know how you feel about this but I think this would be a bad path for our government to go down. @@NAME@@ shouldn't resort to deceit and off-the-record brutality to put away people. A secret police force would ruin our fine nation. It's time our government was candid with its people and let them say what they want!"

3. "Or how about we be candid AND have a secret police force," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ your head spy from behind a newspaper with eyeholes cut out. "We could just reassign all the normal police into secret police. The beauty of it is that we won't have to bother solving crimes if it doesn't benefit the government! It's what we've always wanted! Not what the people want of course, but if they complain we can just make them... disappear."

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#208: Mine Collapse Rocks @@NAME@@ [Emperor Matthuis; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A mine has collapsed in @@NAME@@ burying hundreds of workers. Calls have been made by the families to tighten up mining safety laws.

The Debate
1. "We need tighter laws to protect vulnerable miners!" moans @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a family member of one of the victims. "The mines are being propped up by twigs, the hard hats might as well be made of polystyrene, and the inspectors are all bribed! New laws must be made and the people responsible for allowing this to happen brought to justice."

*2. "These allegations are ludicrous and unfounded," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of the South @@NAME@@ Mining Company. "We use the finest twigs to build our mines and the last thing we need is the government tying us down with yet more rules. More safety laws means more expense means less profit and less profit means companies will look elsewhere to get their goods. You should leave us alone before you destroy thousands of jobs - do you really want that on your conscience?" [Must have private industry]

*3. "These allegations are ludicrous and unfounded," says South @@NAME@@ Regional Director of Mining @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We use the finest twigs to build our mines and the last thing we need is workers who do not trust in our commitment to the greater good. More safety laws means more expense means a diminished state treasury and a diminished treasury means you will soon be running out of funds. You should leave us alone before you destroy the finely balanced economy of @@NAME@@'s glorious communist society - do you really want that on your conscience?" [Must not have private industry]

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#209: Students Demand Financial Aid [Rajlworld; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Students from many universities in @@NAME@@ are protesting about the rising financial cost of studying at university and are demanding that the government provide more financial aid to students.

The Debate
1. "We need money now," screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a student from one of @@NAME@@'s top achieving universities. "All these tuition fees are just too much! I need that money to spend on books, study materials, accomodation, and alco- well, uh, you get the gist of it. All these fees are doing is preventing people from poorer backgrounds achieving their potential. The government ought to pay for all university expenses. After all if nobody went to university where would all the doctors and teachers come from?"

2. "OH GOD NO THE EXPENSE!" screeches @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your minister of Education before eventually calming down. "No, no. This is not a good idea. Do you know how high the tax rate is already without introducing something like this? We should be making tuition fees higher if anything. University is a privilege, not a right, and only the elite should be allowed within those walls. And by elite, of course, I mean rich."

3. "These young people are the greatest resource our nation has," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a famous demographer. "If you're going to discourage them from going to university then you're cheating our nation out of its potential. What I suggest is government-funded loans to students from poor families. That way we can have the best of both worlds without the expense. Admittedly, some may still not be able to afford it but there's no pleasing some people."

4. "Why bother with universities anyway," says refuse collector @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These students could be working and earning a living instead of wasting time and money learning things with no point whatsoever. Who needs to know about ancient Maxtopian poetry, huh? Who would hire you for that? There are plenty of jobs out there, so why don't they go and get one? I'll tell you why: it's because they are lazy. I propose the government close all universities in @@NAME@@ and make people get a job after they leave school. With all the money saved from closing down universities we can have a well-deserved tax cut too."

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#210: Going Postal [Emperor Matthuis; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
It has come to your attention that there is some serious debate over whether @@NAME@@'s postal service should be either privatised or nationalised.

The Debate
1. "The postal system ought to be privatised," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of PostHaste, a small package delivery company. "All the government is doing is putting the tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ of hard-working citizens into an outmoded and wasteful system. Private businesses can offer a much more efficient system with less junk mail. A little more expense on stamps is worth that right?"

2. "Uh huh? And what about those in rural or remote areas?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the CEO of @@NAME@@ Mail, the government-owned postal service. "If you privatise this business then they'll get marginalised and ignored. With a nationalised service everyone can use the system and cheaply too. We provide a good service for our customers and have been doing so for a very long time! The postal service should be nationalised and all competition banned!"

3. "There's plenty of room for compromise," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a stamp collector. "How about we just privatise the mail system and allow other competitors to move in but continue with government funding to @@NAME@@ Mail? That way everyone can get their post and the companies can have their own slice of the pie. It'll require an increase in tax to cope with losses to competition but not too much. I think. To be frank, I just want more stamps."

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#211: Unconventional Weapons Under Fire [Hellenic Glory; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A collection of citizens, civil rights workers, and concerned mothers have signed a petition to stop the manufacturing of the 'BFG-69' (AKA 'the Organ Grinder'), a new rifle planned to be used in the military which works by shredding people's internal organs.

The Debate
1. "Excuse me, but whenever has anyone ever heard of a weapon that WAS humane?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, ballistics expert. "These are devices for firing slugs of metal at people. It's not nice, but it IS necessary. People are always so squeamish. They've already accepted the standard ripping through the body of the standard bullet but the moment something a little more effective is made they kick up a fuss. Typical. These nonstandard weapons should only be put into trained military hands anyway. We're not making rocking horses here, we're protecting @@NAME@@ against her enemies! Just this once, let's try to stay ahead of them."

[2]. "That's right, if we don't produce these weapons we will be left behind in the arms race," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, director of the Alliance of Rifles, Grenades, and Handguns. "These weapons are the future and it won't just stop with the BFG-69. We're planning on introducing the Bone-Breaker @@POPULATION_VALUE@@-DX Sonic Rocket Launcher next year along with our anthrax grenade line. If @@NAME@@ is going to stay ahead of the game then it'll just have to accept that highly destructive weaponry is part of life. We'd also like to sell it commercially to your police force and citizens if you'd just sign here...?" [Must have private industry]

3. "No! This rifle is completely inhumane," says Dr @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leaning on a cane. "These weapons are unnecessarily violent - how can anyone condone something that rips apart your innards like this? How long do you think it will be before these new inventions get into the wrong hands? Shootings are bad enough but at least most people are just wounded. The BFG-69 and those of its ilk are lethal in the extreme and are completely unacceptable! We need some moral decency here and get rid of these unconventional weapons along with all the other shameful armaments like mustard gas."

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#212: Police Wanting Help With Their Inquiries [Prasland; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After delayed DNA evidence put a notorious rapist behind bars the police have demanded that it be mandatory for those accused of a crime to surrender blood and tissue samples to aid the elimination process.

The Debate
1. "I'm surprised this hasn't been brought up sooner," says Chief Constable @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If we have DNA samples of all the accused it will make solving crimes like rape and murder that much faster! Sure, some people will think it's a tad invasive, but in my experience if you're worried by something like giving up a few drops of the red stuff then you've probably got something to hide."

2. "This is a breach of privacy in every meaning of the word!" criminal defence attorney @@RANDOM_NAME@@ exclaims. "Or three words, but this is an outrage! It's these peoples' bodies, not the government's nor the police's. If they want to give a DNA sample it should be THEIR decision! Now I'll admit there have been times when DNA sampling has helped solve a case or two but shouldn't we be upholding the inherent right of every man and woman to have their body remain unmolested unless they should so choose it? Undoubtedly! DNA sampling should only take place with the person's informed consent."

3. "What about the victims of these crimes?" asks DI @@RANDOM_NAME@@, ever gruff and stalwart in the face of adversity. "Do they not have rights? Their right to privacy's been violated so it ought to be the responsibility of the criminal to give up his own. What I propose is the collection of DNA samples from every citizen in @@NAME@@ so we can track down the culprit if none of our suspects come up with anything. It'll be expensive, sure, there's @@POPULATION@@ people to go through... but it's just a small blood sample. Don't you think it's worth it?"

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#213: Bus Drivers Say No To Double-Decked Deathtraps [Angels World; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After several tragic bus accidents across @@NAME@@, bus drivers have started a strike until safety standards have been raised.

The Debate
1. "Every morning I step into that thing I wonder when it's finally going to fall to bits," grumbles @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a bus driver. "The lights don't work, half of the seats are either vandalised or missing, the top deck smells like something died there, and something HAS died right at the back. We need more money to improve our buses. It's that simple. If you don't do it then more people will die."

[2]. "People always want money," whines @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your financial advisors. "And they always want guarantees. I'm willing to bet every single @@CURRENCY@@ on me that they're making a big fuss about nothing. The strike's no big deal, we can always find plenty of other people willing to take the job. Public transport is a financial black hole anyway, there's no profit in it for us. If someone really wants to go somewhere they drive. Withdraw some of our public transport funding out and let them have enough money to buy themselves a car." [Must have private industry]

*3. "That sounds to me," says another of your financial advisors who just so happened to be walking past. "Like a stellar reason to do away with the public transport system altogether. The only people who really lose out are the poor and the disabled, but there's no profit in them either so it's win-win." [Must have private industry]

*4. "That sounds to me," says another of your financial advisors who just happens to be walking past, "like a stellar reason to do away with the public transport system altogether. The only people who really lose out are the disabled, but there's no production value to them anyway, so it's win-win." [Must not have private industry]

5. "Now now now, there's no need to be quite so gung-ho," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a city planner. "The public transport system is vital for cutting down congestion and pollution within urban areas. Less vehicles on the road, less fumes, you with me so far? What we need to do is put a tax on car-use within the cities and promote our mass transit. That way everyone gets what they want, and cleaner air to boot."

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#214: Voting For More Money [Not Quite Dead Peoples; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
It has long been traditional in @@NAME@@ for Members of Parliament to set their own salary. This has, however, led to a recent vote in which members unanimously tripled their pay. Watchdog groups have spoken out against this.

The Debate
1. "Oh, wouldn't the world be a happier place if we could all decide our wages," shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the World Of Watchdog, an anti-corruption foundation. "Who in their right minds would vote against getting more money with no strings attached? This quite obviously cannot be allowed to continue or where will it end? That money should be being used to fund hospitals, not personal luxuries! Well enough is enough! Politicians' salaries should be set by public vote! Maybe then we'll see something more reasonable!"

2. "I couldn't agree less," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a Member of Parliament. "Sure, some people might think that having eight cars and three secretaries is excessive, but I'm doing our country a valuable service. Probably one of the most important services there is: representing the people and deciding what course our country should take. It's an incredibly stressful job and there's no way we could do it with lower pay. Members of Parliament ought to be allowed anything they want in return for all they do for @@NAME@@. If we have what we want we're less likely to take bribes too."

3. "Perhaps there's a way to compromise," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an amateur economist, philosopher and lepidopterist. "The problem here is that politicians could either be paid too little or too much. What if we paid them just right by paying them according to how well they do their job? Keep a close monitor on the needs of their constituencies and give bonuses for resolving problems and coming under budget. It gives them a proper monetary incentive to do their jobs. Some will have a harder time than others and the whole idea may be costly but if it cracks down on corruption I'm all for it."

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#215: Easter Egg: What's Your Favourite Colour? [Antioch and the East; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
During a national press conference, a little girl with ribbons in her hair asks you what your favourite colour is. Your panicked advisors have frantically called an emergency conference to come up with possible answers.

The Debate
1. "Tell her it's red," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, sharing out the meeting's doughnut tray. "It'll show them that our nation has nowt to do with money grabbing capitalists."

2. "Tell her it's blue," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who inexplicably appears to be sitting in a tin bath and playing with a rubber duck. "Blue like the open ocean - it will show our devotion to all things marine. Quack."

3. "Tell her it's yellow," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, embracing you warmly and giving you a soppy kiss. "It is such a shining, bright, happy colour. It will fill your citizens with such joy to hear it is your favourite."

4. "Tell her it's green," advises @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while caressing what appears to be a cabbage. "It'll draw attention to your benevolent environmental policy!"

5. "Tell her it's orange," advises @@RANDOM_NAME@@, running a lap around the conference room. "Such a vibrant colour I've always felt! I'm sure if officially approved it will put some vim and vigour in the people!"

6. "Tell her it's purple," advises Roger Jefferson, relishing his own gourmet doughnut sprinkled with shredded truffles. "It speaks of the finer things in life, of luxury, and shows you as a man of distinction. Not like the riff-raff you see around these days..."

7. "Tell her it's pink," advises @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your premier expert on all things gay. "It will send a message that we here in @@NAME@@ are not prejudiced against homosexuals and accept them with open arms."

8. "Tell her it's gold," advises @@RANDOM_NAME@@, hands rubbing together in avaricious delight. "Give the people a hint that you'll be focusing on the economy!"

9. "Tell her it's black," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, ripping up pictures of kittens and scowling. "Black like the eternal emptiness of our withered, stilted, and twisted souls."

10. "Tell her it's white," advises @@RANDOM_NAME@@, reclining in the lotus position. "It is a pure, peaceful colour, befitting the moral stance your government should embrace!"

11. "Tell her it's grey," advises @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who is decidedly nondescript. "It's nice and neutral, won't upset anyone. Speaks of proper military bearing and protocol. People will like that."

12. "Tell her you don't have a favourite colour," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the president of Open Our Perimeters Straightaway, on walking in. "@@NAME@@ is a modern country that does not discriminate between colours. We should allow everyone whether they be Bigtopian, Lilliputian, or Maxtopian into our bountiful nation."

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#216: Eminent Domain: Inherent Right Or Daylight Robbery? [British Londinium; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A furious debate over eminent domain, or compulsory purchase, the government's right to take a citizen's private property without permission, has erupted after the government evicted hundreds of people from their homes to make way for a new shopping complex and a bypass.

The Debate
1. "Eminent Domain? More like outright theft!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose house was bulldozed. "They took away my home! I have to move everything in my life somewhere else because of the whims of some fruitcake city planner? It's lunacy! This blatant power abuse mustn't be allowed to continue. The government should require explicit permission before taking private property!"

2. "You can't be serious," objects @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a city planner. "You've got to have bypasses. Eminent domain's essential! Without it we'd actually have to pay for the property we were steali- ah- expropriating and that would mean lots of boring paperwork and be much more expensive. If we really need to build something, say a bypass to ease congestion, do you really want that to be stopped because one person says no? We need eminent domain to let @@NAME@@ make progress. In fact we could cut costs even more if we didn't have to pay compensation..."

3. "I do believe we should retain our right to eminent domain," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Miscellaneous Amenities. "But to use it for private industry is just immoral and corrupting. We really ought to only use eminent domain for the purpose of building public utilities like hospitals, schools, and carparks."

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#217: Healthcare Services Underfunded, Claim Patients [Lunar Village; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The @@NAME_INITIALS@@NHS (@@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ National Health Service) is struggling to pay for the medicinal and surgical treatments required for your citizens.

The Debate
1. "The NHS was an ill thought-out idea to begin with!" exclaims conservative aristocrat @@RANDOM_NAME@@ IV. "We were much better off in a time when the medical profession was geared towards those who could pay for their treatment. Nowadays the waiting lists are choked with riff-raff of all kinds. I don't see why I should pay for someone else's healthcare. Those of us who can afford to pay for a private doctor ought to be allowed to opt out of the NHS tax and if that means lower quality of service for the masses then tough!"

2. "A sickeningly predictable view from the toffs there", retorts senior nurse @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Being diagnosed with an illness is stressful enough without adding a huge financial burden to the equation. Do you honestly believe people should be denied treatment just because they're poor? The NHS works; people are living longer and fuller lives. I don't have any problem with contributing to the health of @@NAME@@'s citizens. We should increase NHS tax."

3. "Naaaah," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your personal fitness instructor. "The problem is that we are trying to treat all citizens equally. There is no incentive to live a healthy lifestyle. If people had to pay a rate of NHS tax based on such factors as nicotine and alcohol intake, exercise routine and diet then the sensible thing to do would be to take responsibility for one's own health. The more unhealthy you are, the more you must contribute in tax. We'd have national surveys to make sure no one cheats which would be expensive - but fair. Now give me twenty push-ups."

4. "A nice idea but unworkable", muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, another of @@NAME@@'s seemingly ubiquitous economists. "How many people do you expect not to lie through their teeth so they don't have to pay so much tax? I would suggest that the problem is that drug companies can develop a drug secure in the knowledge that they can charge what they like and the NHS will be pressured to pay for it. We should force drug companies to surrender their drug to competition after, say, five years and the NHS should then only be allowed to buy drugs which are five years old. This will cut down on the costs considerably while still providing excellent service. Patients may die from technically curable diseases but hey... that's economic reality for you."

5. "The National Health Service was doomed to failure before it even started," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a right-wing political commentator. "Anything powered by the 'goodness of people's hearts' is. I don't give a flying monkey's about people I've never met yet I have to pay money that I earned so they can fix their broken legs or runny noses. What about my broken legs, huh? I call on the government to disband the National Health Service and bring back private health insurance. Those unable to pay should work harder and if they can't work... well screw 'em."

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#218: Two Mommies One Too Many? [Duffla; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The commercial release of the controversial children's book 'Heather Has Two Mommies' in @@NAME@@ has sparked debate over laws concerning the adoption of children by homosexual couples.

The Debate
1. "I cannot understand for the life of me why anyone could possibly be against this," complains Jacob Kantelberg, showing up at your office wearing a pink feather boa. "Bart and I are good and caring people and will make excellent fathers, so what's the problem? All of the scientific studies have shown that there's no difference in the wellbeing of children raised by gay and straight couples. All that's holding these little darlings back from the happy family life that they deserve is the outdated prejudices of some prudes. All we want is to adopt a child to call our own. It'll be fabulous!"

2. "I don't care what these so-called scientific studies say," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, representing a number of conservative religious organisations. "How can a boy hope to develop properly into a man if he's being brought up by poofs? A father figure is not supposed to behave as if it is 'okay' to be, um, romantically invested in another man - and the same goes for lesbians! Why? Because it is not okay. It'll just give them gay! Think about it: say you have two gay @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ - they can't have children because nature did not provide them with the tools and if God wanted gays to have kids then they would have those tools. Don't legalise this blasphemy! Think of the children!"

3. "This just doesn't go far enough in my opinion," grumbles @@RANDOM_NAME@@ an ardent opponent to homosexuality. "The more concessions we give these people, the more they'll reduce our nation to the most embarrassing gayfest of all the region! We'll be a joke! Homosexuality is a sin, and not only that it's a disease of society and there's no two ways about it. It must be criminalised and those responsible hanged just like in the good old days."

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#219: Nobody Expects The @@NAME@@ Inquisition! [Habardia; ed: The Most Glorious Hack]

The Issue
Some key figures of @@NAME@@'s major religious groups have requested government sponsorship for the institution of an inquisition to try heretics and blasphemers.

The Debate
1. Cardinal Mortimer Gratwick, Archbishop of @@CAPITAL@@, demands you kiss his ring before telling you, "the Church encourages the formation of an Inquisition. However, it will only be to try those in error and put them on the right track to holiness; you needn't worry about those nasty thumb-screws and we haven't had a rack in ages, so we won't be torturing people. Of course, in order to bring this noble plan into effect, the Holy Office must have jurisdiction over the civil courts."

2. "This is bloody outrageous!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the nation's most important civil liberties movement, People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything, while jumping up and down in front of a television camera. "These damn ultra-conservatives will plunge us all into chaos! @@NAME@@ can never have an Inquisition! Everyone should have the right to think, say, believe, etc, whatever the damn they please. When was the last time you released a dove on a monthly basis? Huh? HUH?! That's what I thought! It's time to move beyond these primitive beliefs!"

3. "The people of @@NAME@@ need more than an Inquisition," pronounces @@RANDOM_NAME@@, known fundamentalist tele-preacher, who pauses hawking the complete DVD collection to make some demands. "We must persecute all those who do not live according to the Book! The Lord has told me that the time has arrived to bring back the good old days! Back when we didn't have all these touchy-feely, fuzzy-headed punishments. Prison? Ha! Like that's a punishment! Stick those heathens in the stocks, or even better: bring back stonings! It'll bring us into a new golden age!"

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#220: Voter Apathy Rising But No One Cares [Clorse Ivy; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Statistics have shown a steady decline in voter turnout in @@NAME@@'s latest elections. After numerous requests and finally a cash prize, some individuals have come forward with suggestions as to what should be done.

The Debate
*1. "No one cares about voting anymore," sighs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chief of a watchdog organisation overseeing fair ballots. "Even I only got to my position because my mum's a member. This is supposed to be a democracy, yet less than a quarter of our population voted for your government! I believe that if we free up methods such as internet and phone voting then the people might actually feel inclined to give their opinions. It beats having to stand for hours in the rain to give a vote they privately feel will make no difference..." [Must have internet]

*2. "No one cares about voting anymore," sighs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chief of a watchdog organisation overseeing fair ballots. "Even I only got to my position because my mum's a member. This is supposed to be a democracy, yet less than a quarter of our population voted for your government! I believe that if we free up methods such as postal and phone voting then the people might actually feel inclined to give their opinions. It beats having to stand for hours in the rain to give a vote they privately feel will make no difference..." [Must not have internet]

3. "The easier you make something the less anyone will care about it," says Catriona Wood, a political scientist with nothing to do. "The only real way to increase voter turnout is to force people to vote. Make it compulsory with executions for those who don't comply and then we'll have a true democracy! Sort of."

4. "The reason people aren't voting is because they're quite happy with how things are," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, lounging in a deck chair. "If people can't be bothered to vote then why not just do away with the whole thing altogether? Come the next election, just set yourself up as dictator for life and everyone can get back to whatever they'd rather be doing. Now please go away, you're standing in my rays."

5. "I think you're approaching this the wrong way," says Andrew Lavelle, the proprietor of UltraCorp-SmithMax Chemicals Inc. "If people can't get out and about, it's clearly due to a lack of energy. Our product range includes an ideal solution; we could add POWERTHIRST [TM] to the national water supply! And better yet, it only has a very slight risk of causing zombification or exploding cattle!"

6. "I, ah..., I think... ah, just do whatever," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, checking the time again. "I don't have time for this. Bye!"

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#221: Outdated Tax Code Crushing @@NAME@@? [Padosistan; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
Over the years, the government's tax code has become a headache-inducing tangle. Recently a prominent tax official was crushed to death under the weight of a complete copy of the tax code falling on his head. With taxes higher than ever, an unlikely alliance of taxpayers, businesses, and government officials are demanding something be done to fix the situation.

The Debate
1. "We've got to put a stop to this before more lives are lost, like mine!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the new head of the @@DEMONYM@@ Revenue Agency, indicating the search and rescue crew armed with paper shredders. "We need to abandon the current tax code and start anew. It's drastic, I know, and will mean chaos in the bureaucracy, while spending may briefly need to be curtailed as revenues dip, but there's no other way to fix this shambles!"

2. "It's true that something has got to be done about the tax code, but it doesn't need to be anything so drastic," proclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, spokesperson of the Alliance of @@DEMONYM@@ Businesses and Industry. "The real problem lies with the tangled mess that is the corporate tax regime. Allow us to write a competitive tax system for @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ industry, and you'll stem the job losses from businesses flocking offshore to escape this bureaucratic nightmare."

3. "If anything is bloated about the taxes and how our money is spent, it's that corporate welfare!" rages @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a concerned and rather irate citizen. "If you ask me, the government needs to eliminate all those generous tax breaks for businesses! Then we can cut some of those ridiculous taxes that hit the average guy, for once benefiting the people, not industry bigwigs!"

4. "Our tax code is complicated?" queries your personal tax accountant @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, popping in from her office just next door. "If you're struggling to fill in your FX505s, and can't tell your NOQ112b from your NOQ112c, then that's what we're here for! In fact, if your government could just give a generous tax break to those of my profession - and made that cumulative with our unremitted personal G6 allowance, of course - then we'd be able to offer our services to even more people!"

5. "Er, hi there, sir," pipes up @@RANDOM_NAME@@, clad in a high-vis jacket and clutching a clipboard. "None of these fine people have got to the root of your problem. If civil servants were just to wear hard hats while working, then falling paperwork wouldn't be an issue. And perhaps a course on manual handling wouldn't go amiss too?"

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#222: Terrorists Strike City Centre [Silicar; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
All of @@NAME@@ has been in an uproar since yesterday when a car exploded in the middle of @@CAPITAL@@, killing dozens and injuring hundreds. This terrorist act was traced back to a violent minority group known as the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters. A group allegedly supported by an unfriendly regime, despising @@NAME@@ for its heathenish ways and political bent, but more particularly for supporting the recent occupation of their homeland by an ally.

The Debate
1. "They simply crossed the line!" shouts General @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Far too long have we tolerated these terrorist threats, it's time that they realise they can't mess with us. Send the order to prepare an invasion, and we will show them who is boss! Our brave soldiers are prepared to die for their country, all we need is your signature and a lot of money. But what is the cost of freedom and safety for @@NAME@@'s peoples?"

2. "Attacking another country isn't the answer," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, director of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Intelligence Agency. "The problem doesn't lie abroad, but within @@NAME@@ itself! We should have more freedom to do our work. Protecting our nation from these cowardly scaremongerers would be much easier if we had an inherent right to tap phones and other communications, get search warrants whenever we need, and detain suspects indefinitely. Remember, to prevent is better than to cure."

3. "No, that's what those terrorists want us to do!" speculates chairman @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the Patriots' Tea and Biscuits Club. "We don't want to give the Agency any more responsibility, they're the ones who messed up in the first place. What we need is to purge @@NAME@@ of these rats who don't respect the laws and traditions of our way of life. We know who they are and where they come from, so the solution is obvious: we just won't let those sorts of people cross our borders and kick out those who are already here. It might seem a bit harsh, but hey, we were here first. Long live @@NAME@@!"

4. "I think it's clear to anyone with half a brain in their head that this will just not work," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a noted professor of social studies. "The people who perpetrate these terrible crimes do so because they feel they have no other recourse to demonstrate their political opinions. They'll do anything and I'm sure they're not above hiring mercenaries. You must understand why terrorists act as they do and fix it! What we should do is to reach out to the ethnic and religious minorities and seek common ground! Negotiation is the key! Violence solves nothing."

5. "We spit on @@NAME@@!" expectorates @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters. "You disrespect our people and our country and everything we are! You spread your sickening influence where it is not wanted! You must change your ways and cease to oppose us or else there will be more bloodshed. You have been warned!"

6. "Is terrorism such a terrible thing? Really?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, avant garde journalist, discreetly sliding a pipe bomb under your desk. "These people are simply expressing their political opinion the best way they know how. I think we should legalise terrorism as a legitimate form of political commentary. It'll certainly get people interested, don't you think?"

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#223: Easter Egg: Zombie Attack! [Naliitr; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The dead are rising from their graves to feast on the flesh of the living! Currently, only @@ANIMAL@@ City has been affected. An immediate quarantine has been placed on the city, but with time running out for the survivors an emergency meeting has been called to decide what to do.

The Debate
1. "You have to destroy the city!" gasps @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of the few who escaped before the quarantine. "It's hell in there! If those things manage to escape then the whole country, nay the whole WORLD is doomed! We must send our biggest bombs into those streets and wipe them out!"

2. "No, there are people in there who need our help," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, armed with a Winchester rifle. "We can't leave them to the mercy of the undead hordes. I say before we blow anything up we call in the army and anyone else willing to help, go in, track down any survivors we can find, and get them out. It's dangerous, but it's got to be done."

3. "I think we should study these creatures," muses Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, expert in biological warfare. "Zombiism? Reanimated dead tissue? Fascinating! This is a golden opportunity for our nation... why, we could unleash these on our enemies! Everyone would shake in terror of our undead army!"

4. "Wow, these unholy terrors are really scary," notes @@RANDOM_NAME@@, selling sausages in buns to bystanders. "They would make a great honeypot. I mean, how often do you see the living dead?! We could really turn a profit if we turn this place into a first-class thrill ride for visiting tourists. Want mustard?"

5. "I think we're forgetting that these 'zombies' are people just like you and me!" objects @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the newly-formed Undead Protection Alliance. "They deserve the respect that any deceased person should, if not more! Leave them alone, and let them have the city. It will be a victory for oppressed minorities everywhere!"

6. "Braaains... braaains...?" asks ardent anti-quarantine activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Braaains... braaains... braaains!"

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#224: Minimum Wage War [Vincon; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Workers all over @@NAME@@ have gone on a general strike demanding you create a minimum wage to alleviate poverty conditions.

The Debate
1. "We will not accept this exploitation any longer," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, through a megaphone. "Without a minimum wage law in place we're forced to work for a pittance! How can I feed myself and my family if I can't earn enough money? This corrupt government favours a system where the rich get richer at the expense of the working class. No longer! We demand a reasonable minimum wage!"

2. "'Reasonable?' Since when have companies ever been 'reasonable' when it comes to money?" questions @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the @@NAME@@ Socialist Alliance. "The government should increase taxes and guarantee a living wage so everybody, no matter what job they have, can have access to food, water, and other basic needs. If everyone has the money needed to survive then things like the economy should take care of themselves. Stands to reason. But what you should be asking yourself is this: what's more important, individuals or corporations?"

3. "We don't need any of these stupid communistic welfare policies," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, millionaire CEO and star of reality TV show 'You're Fired!' "Living wages are unworkable! If you make workers expensive, then employers are just going to use fewer or lose profits. They should be grateful for a job, and if they don't want to work, we should be able to boot them out and hire someone else, no questions asked. Hey, it's not that I'm not compassionate. I'm the most compassionate person you'll ever meet. The most!"

[4]. "I agree, and honestly it's a detriment to this nation's businesses that we even have to PAY them wages," extrapolates corporate executive John Nike. "If slavery was legal, I think we'd find the nation's economy improving somewhat." [Must ban slavery]

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#225: Prayer In Public Schools? [Vincon; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
In order to save the souls of @@NAME@@'s children from eternal damnation, it has been suggested that a daily prayer be made mandatory in schools nationwide.

The Debate
1. "Kids are such punks these days," grumbles Father @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a local minister. "By making sure kids pray to their god at least once a day we instill the religious values that are integral to @@NAME@@. It'll make them better, humbler people."

2. "Hey now, if there's going to be compulsory school prayer then there ought to be an opt-out system," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a concerned parent. "I don't want my boy to be an part of this collective worship nonsense."

3. "I agree that we shouldn't force them to pray," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a teacher. "Such difficult concepts shouldn't be thrust upon such impressionable minds. But instead of a praying session, these children should be taught about religion in an educative way. School's supposed to be about learning, not brainwashing."

4. "That's a lily-livered compromise," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairman of the Atheist Activist Association. "Religion should have no place in our schools. We should pass laws enforcing secularity on all educational establishments."

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:53 am

#226: Expats Plea For Help In War-Torn Country [The Mones Islands; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Thousands of migrant citizens and expatriated citizens of @@NAME@@ have asked the government to take them home from Marche Noire, a faraway country on the brink of a terrible and violent civil war.

The Debate
*1. "We must co-ordinate with the government of Marche Noire in order to secure our absentee voters--ahem--citizens who are in their country," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "We must also create an emergency fund to assist our expats and help bring them back to @@NAME@@. No matter where any of our people are, they're still ours and our responsibility." [Must have political elections]

*2. "We must co-ordinate with the government of Marche Noire in order to secure our absentee workers--ahem--citizens who are in their country," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "We must also create an emergency fund to assist our expats and help bring them back to @@NAME@@. No matter where any of our people are, they're still ours and our responsibility." [Must not have political elections]

3. "That's rubbish," objects @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Finance. "Why waste hundreds of thousands of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in bringing those expatriated citizens back to @@NAME@@? They chose to leave our great country; they are no longer our concern! They could have stayed here and been an asset to our workforce! Helped us grow strong! No, they've had their chance. You reap what you sow. We should cut any financial assistance we give to those traitors."

4. "That's a good point," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Civics. "Our people are the generators of the economy. The expats should be allowed to come back, but only if they stay. If we keep letting our citizens emigrate, then we're losing our doctors, our teachers, our skilled and unskilled workforce to damn foreigners! Close the borders to those wanting to leave our nation. If they can't see how wonderful @@NAME@@ is then we'll make them!"

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#227: Underage Drinkers: Social Menace Or Misunderstood? [Amisdar; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
With the advent of alcopops and other cheap liquors marketed at younger drinkers there has been public outcry at the sharp increase in underage drinking.

The Debate
1. "I never wanted my poor babies to grow up to be alcoholics!" wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a parent of three, striding into your office. "And now I'm worried they'll drink themselves into being no-good slobs before they've even grown up! The only way to stop this madness is to really crack down on under-age drinking. Stricter identification laws and severe punishments should do the trick! The present laws are much too soft!"

*2. "What is it with parents making society discipline their children because they don't want to?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a schoolteacher. "These wishy-washy parents are to blame for their kids' misdemeanours! It is the parents who should be held responsible and be fined- no, even better, arrested and jailed!" [Must have prisons]

*3. "What is it with parents making society discipline their children because they don't want to?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a schoolteacher. "These wishy-washy parents are to blame for their kids' misdemeanours! It is the parents who should be held responsible and be fined- no, even better, arrested and forced to attend parenting classes!" [Must not have prisons]

4. "Keep your hands off my Spinning Mermaid, Mac," says ten-year-old @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an all-round unruly youth while downing some sort of shocking pink beverage. "Why shouldn't us kids be allowed to drink? We're reshponshible enou- HIC- enough. Don't oppress us like this, we're jusht havin' some fun."

5. "To be honest, this doesn't surprise me," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a cultural attaché from East Lebuckte. "Back in my country it is customary for children to have a glass of wine with their main meal of the day. If you make alcohol an everyday mundanity then they're not going to go overboard with it later. Educate them in culture and sophistication so that they truly appreciate their senses instead of trashing them on low-grade hooch."

6. "I agree that we should educate them about alcohol rather than simply hope punishments will get through to them," says Dr @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an expert on alcoholism. "But teaching those hoodlums culture? It just won't work. If we're going to get them to drink less then we must impress on them the DANGERS of alcohol, not the benefits! We'll scare them into drinking sensibly!"

7. "This wouldn't be a problem at all if alcohol was banned altogether," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, enjoying a fine ginger beer. "It's not just kids who break the law when under the influence you know."

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#228: Mice In The Walls [Esarchia Marksista; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After a police raid discovered an entire load of smuggled peripheral devices and computer components hidden in the plasterboard walls of an abandoned warehouse, various groups have demanded to repeal the ban of computers.

The Debate
1. "When you outlawed computers you didn't realise what you were doing!" argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, hugging an illegal laptop protectively. "These are essential machines for business! For communication! For culture! For posterity! If you've got any sense you'll repeal this ridiculous ban."

2. "Pfft, citizens with computers indeed," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Records, while riffling through a cetacean-sized pile of paperwork and ringing phones. "What a preposterous idea. But as @@NAME@@ grows, so do our problems. There is too much data to record, too many records to keep, and too many keeps to earn. We need to allow the government - and only the government - access to computers."

3. "Well, I suppose we could allow some leeway," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Proper Thinking. "Computers are handy for some things after all. But we should ban the internet outright - it'll only give them ideas."

4. "Don't you remember why we got rid of those devil machines in the first place?!" growls @@RANDOM_NAME@@, flicking beads on an abacus. "First it's all fun and games with things like 'pixels' and 'folders' but eventually they'll rise up against their masters and reduce us to slaves! Banning computers was a good start, but it's time we focused on eradicating all automated technology and focus on the handcrafts like basket weaving and carpentry."

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#229: Government Saturated In Corruption [Kordothistan; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The government is rife with embezzlement and fraud as bribes and graft are accepted both blatantly and frequently by politicians and other government officials.

The Debate
1. "This is a systematic problem endemic of @@NAME@@'s state of life," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the president of a government watchdog organisation. "The other day I asked a police officer the directions to a restaurant and he demanded fifty @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ on the spot! Even the road sweepers have to be paid not to dump rubbish in your garden! We need to inflict severe penalties on anyone abusing the system. Maybe the threat of a hanging will teach them to respect the responsibility of their positions."

2. "The problem is transparency," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, member of the National Whistleblower Association. "They can do whatever they want because they have absolutely no obligation to provide the public with the details of what they're doing. We should make all the details of any gifts or money available to the public, and make politicians accountable to the law."

3. "It's really not THAT bad, is it?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Commerce, fiddling with a large gold ring before sliding a thick envelope across on your desk. "Maybe it's all just a prank. Maybe it will all just... go away..."

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#230: Extremists On The Ballot Sheet [Omigodtheykilledkenny; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
As elections near for governmental positions all over @@NAME@@, polls predict near-certain victories for candidates from an ultra-nationalist party promising reactionary policies on immigration, crime, civil liberties and military spending.

The Debate
1. "Victory for these nutjobs would be a travesty for the people of @@NAME@@ and the democracy they cherish!" declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of the left-wing People's Democratic Party. "We must ban these dangerous extremists from running for office. If they want to espouse their ignorant views, let them do so in the private sector. Our democracy belongs to the people, not the wackos."

2. "Pfft, it's the people who voted them in in the first place," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an international observer of your elections. "If it's the people's will to turn power over to the extremists, then you should do all you can to work with the new parliament. Truly listening and acting upon what your citizens want? THAT is what makes a democracy."

3. "Don't say I didn't warn you: this experiment in mob-ocracy was doomed from the start!" claims political adviser @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Now any idiot with a loyal army of fringe-voters can come in here and tell you what's what! You are the only leader our citizens can truly respect and for the sake of national unity we should put an end to these popularity contests once and for all!"

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#231: Jungle Fever [Luxtizeria; ed: Sirocco & Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Malaria, an infectious and often deadly tropical disease spread by mosquitoes, is claiming lives in settlements around swamps and wetlands.

The Debate
1. "Malarial infections, especially Plasmodium falciparum, are highly dangerous diseases which are actually eminently preventable and treatable with good public health planning and rapid access to treatment," says Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of the world's leading epidemiologists. "If we're going to control it, then we need specialist fast-response clinics in high risk areas, health education for the general population and research into new drugs to deal with chloroquine-resistant strains. We're going to need @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@. Lots of them."

2. "Treatment is all very well and good," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Health, "but it's plainly short-term thinking! Instead of setting our sights on the parasite, we should be dealing with the vector. Reduce mosquito populations by draining stagnant waters and applying chemical larvicides in targeted source reduction, and by ensuring that every home in @@NAME@@ has access to clean running water. This will be a far more cost-effective approach."

3. "Don't mess with our swamps!" growls @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a picture of a Will O' the Wisp with the caption: 'Don't let their lights die out'. "These are incredibly diverse ecosystems, hosts to hundreds of different species, both plant and animal! Don't let something like the current malaria epidemic cloud your judgement! I suggest we move everyone away from affected areas and just let nature be. If there's no one to infect then there's no problem right?"

4. "There's absolutely no need for drastic measures," interrupts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of international corporation Normack Pharmaceuticals. "I've got the solution for you right here: it's called DDT which stands for Death, Destruction, and Total for those pesky flying fiends! Our product may have some alleged 'bad' impact on the environment and, uh, human health, but come on: it's cheap and highly effective against mosquitoes. Eradication's never been so easy!"

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#232: Suffragette City [Night Island; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
An outraged collection of female political activists and feminists are protesting loudly in the streets demanding suffrage, the right to vote.

The Debate
1. "We are fed up with being viewed as second-class citizens," says Catherine Gratwick, a suffragette. "Enough is enough! We cook, clean, and work for the men of this country! We bear and raise their children! But do we get to have any say on what goes on? No we do not! We deserve, and demand, the right to vote!"

2. "That's not enough," objects Emmeline de Gouges, another suffragette. "The system is inherently oppressive towards women. If we're going to be considered truly equal then we must have the right to stand for election too!"

3. "Years of inequality cannot be erased with a simple place on the ballot," shrieks Ida B. A. Goodwon, yet another suffragette. "We must restore the balance by assuring a permanent role on @@NAME@@'s government. Men have had their go and they messed it up! Now it's our turn."

*4. "That's insane!" gasps Otto Schopenhauer, author of the popular autobiography 'Misogyny And Me'. "Giving women the vote is a really, really bad idea. Seriously now, they can barely decide what to wear never mind what's best for the country! If only women were more obedient to their husbands we wouldn't have these kind of problems. Throw the lot of them suffra-wotsits in the clink, I say. That'll teach them for causing a fuss." [Must have prisons]

*5. "That's insane!" gasps Otto Schopenhauer, author of the popular autobiography 'Misogyny And Me'. "Giving women the vote is a really, really bad idea. Seriously now, they can barely decide what to wear never mind what's best for the country! If only women were more obedient to their husbands we wouldn't have these kind of problems. Throw the lot of them suffra-wotsits in the clink, I say." A helpful voice from the back of the room points out that the nation has no jails. "What? Well, let's rebuild us some jails, and throw these harlots in!" [Must not have prisons]

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#233: I Spy A Diplomatic Crisis [Good old Communism; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Members of your intelligence service have captured a spy gathering information in the civil service. Your interrogators have learned that the man known only as 'Solo' is acting on behalf of the government of Outer Bigtopia, which denies all knowledge and involvement.

The Debate
1. "Shpies! There are shpies everywhere!" says Agent @@RANDOM_NAME@@, checking the fruit bowl for bugs. "You can't trusht these foreigners! They act all nice and local and then BAM! They're away over the hill with military shecretsh. We should be keeping track of all of them with ankle braceletsh and wiretapsh to be sure they won't betray ush!"

2. "I don't think we need to go quite that far," says Secret Agent @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Our security is fine. We did catch him after all. The real question is how much did he tell the Outer Bigtopian government. If we send our own spies to gather intelligence and, in light of recent events, bolster the funding of the intelligence agency, then we can learn for sure the intentions of our enemies."

3. "And where will that get us?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your older, more bitter spies. "Spying them back won't help us. If we send someone out there and THEY get caught what are we going to do? We should call those Bigtopians out on their scam and hit them were it hurts! Diplomatic sanctions will do for starters; we can throw those smug envoys out on their rear ends! Anyway, it's almost certainly not just Outer Bigtopia up to these kind of shenanigans, we ought to keep all embassies under police surveillance. We risk all sorts of trade sanctions, true, but it pays to be careful."

4. "Do you realise what kind of havoc we would cause on an international level if we confront them about this?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an ambassador to Outer Bigtopia over a secure satellite link. "No one need ever know this happened; officially that man doesn't exist. Most nations have some sort of espionage programme; it's nothing to raise a fuss about. We should just quietly execute Mr 'Solo' and move on."

5. "But what if he discovered the plans I've been assembling for the moon cannon project?!" asks Brigadier @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your more insane military officers in a hushed whisper. "It's nothing official, something I've been doing in my spare time... but what if they've got wind of it?! We could all be in mortal danger! We've got to commence construction right now! Our esteemed leader, do I have permission to get Project Lunar Apocalypse underway?"

6. "Moon... cannon? Mortal danger? You're off your rocker," says General Flowers, scowling as he leafs through the budgets folder. "The reason we're being spied on is because we've become so aggressive and militant! It's only natural that other governments are going to check up on us. If we don't want to get spied on then there should be nothing worth looking for. All we need to do is massively reduce military expenditure. If nothing else, it at least puts more money into people's pockets than into the construction of glorified death machines."

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#234: Corruption In The Lobby [The Seniors of Zion; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After the passage of a bill giving billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to "any oil company with two 'x's in its name", there was much discussion over the influence that corporate lobbies have over the government and whether it was getting out of hand - until an all-waves radio and TV broadcast suggested citizens go have a coffee at Starbucks instead.

The Debate
1. "It disgusts me how much this government is eating out of the hands of corporations," says Kasie Wilk, an anti-corporate activist. "A government's first priority is supposed to be its people! @@NAME@@! Not some faceless company interested in nothing but money! The right to petition is for individual citizens, not for multinational companies that answer to no one."

2. "There's no need to get excited, we've got everyone's best interests at heart," replies @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a corporate lobbyist. "Yes, individuals have the right to make their opinions known to the government, but so too do groups of individuals. And that's all a corporation is: a group of individuals wanting to contribute. By helping corporations, the government helps the country. Unemployment goes down, the economy goes up, and everyone's favourite products become more readily available. In fact, if corporations were already part of the political process we could do so much more! I propose that companies be allowed to run for office."

3. "Over my dead body they will," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a civil servant. "The problem with lobbying is that it's so easily abused. There are too many opinionated idiots out there prepared to rally around some obnoxious or silly cause. Last week the parliament reviewed a petition from thousands of citizens complaining about birds being too noisy! I mean, really! We'd be better off ignoring lobbyists altogether and trusting in your own sagacity, esteemed leader."

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#235: From Green Pastures To Grey Wastelands [Airstrip thirteen; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
In the quest for high yields and low prices, @@NAME@@'s thriving agricultural industry has all but destroyed the fertility of the soils it ploughs, turning arable farmlands into barren deserts. Food prices have risen dramatically and the general population are calling foul. A coalition of concerned citizens, farmers, and major unions have called for the government to act quickly and decisively.

The Debate
1. "These people make me want to scream," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a distinguished eremologist. "For so long, the supermarkets have indoctrinated the belief that we deserved those low prices, as if it was a birthright. But it's not. We've plundered nature for too long and now we're suffering the consequences. The government needs to lay down some strict laws over how we farm so we can do it in a sustainable way. By the time the industry has destroyed our farmlands, those corporations will have moved on elsewhere and we'll be left starving in the streets."

2. "Yeah, right. And while the government is destroying half of the agricultural market, the customers- ah- the people will be paying through the nose for loaves of bread," counters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Corporal Foods Corporation, a multinational farming conglomerate. "Do you honestly think the people will accept such an outrageous solution? Not having to worry about where your next meal's coming from is what makes this such a great country! Forget this environmental nonsense and give us the money as subsidies - then we can buy more land and drive prices down again."

3. "We're all to blame for this mess, ayup," says Mr Rubeus Gubbins, an independent farmer who only sells locally. "But I don't see why we should do anything to help the biggest contributors to this disaster, and that's them blasted corporations with their market projections and their shareholders. Parasites the lot of 'em! They should all be kicked out of @@NAME@@ and be forced to give the farmlands back to folk like m'self who'll grow enough to feed locally but not so much that I might as well be sowing salt in the ground."

4. "How are you still afloat?!" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, another farmer. "Don't listen to him. He's from a time when economies only existed as far as you could walk steer a horse carriage for a day. It's a global economy we have now, and sub-standard produce for high prices is not, and should not, be the norm. Helping the environment with regulation will kill the industry stone dead and still leave us with high prices. The government should be promoting and funding scientific research into making the status quo sustainable - not punishing hard-working citizens for wanting to eat more than potatoes and rice."

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#236: Quickie Marriages Under Scrutiny [Plutocycloptika; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The late-night, alcohol-fuelled marriage and subsequent annulment of pop starlet Dipsy Bubbleyum has been thoroughly condemned by tabloid presses across the country. There is now a growing call for some restraints to be put on the nation's liberal marriage laws.

The Debate
1. "This could all be solved quite easily," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a tee-totaler. "With a little common sense. These marriages happen because the bride and groom are inebriated, right? So obviously we should make applicants pass a sobriety test before they can be issued a marriage licence. If you're too drunk to walk in a straight line, you're too drunk to walk down the aisle."

2. "I think everyone's being very unfair and mean!" says self-described party girl, Bertina Chaswick, writing in to Alright! Magazine. "I mean, like, Dipsy was just havin' fun, yeah? So she made a mistake, but we all do when we've had a few! If someone wants an annulment they should be able to get it for any reason. Divorces are long, messy and SO yesterday!"

3. "Marriage is the sacred and immortal union of two souls," declares conservative commentator, Cornelius Prodnose. "It is the ultimate gesture of love! To get married out of sheer whimsy and then change your mind later... it's obscene! People need to face up to the consequences they bring on themselves! Once you're married, that's it. No annulments, no divorces, no backsies. Just eternal love and decency."

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#237: Tourists On Death Row [The New Inquisitors; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A group of holidaymakers from @@NAME@@ have been arrested while visiting the scenic, yet corrupt and totalitarian, nation of Maxtopia on charges of drug trafficking - an offence which carries the maximum sentence of the death penalty. The story has provoked outrage from citizens, many believing the government should intervene to bring the tourists back home.

The Debate
1. "Everyone knows what barbarians those Maxtopians are!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, parent to one of the arrestees. "They've not even allowed my son and his friends access to lawyers! That government is as corrupt as they are cruel, my boy would never have anything to do with drugs! You need to do something to save them, I'm begging you! I'm sure the Maxtopian officials will back down if you threaten trade sanctions or something. Right?"

2. "You've got to see it from the other side," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a customs official. "While it's unfortunate that the sentence is so stiff, they really shouldn't have been smuggling drugs. I'm sure we wouldn't be happy if Maxtopians came over here with banned goods. I just can't sympathise: they were greedy, they broke the law, they got caught. What makes them so special that they should be bailed out? At the taxpayers' expense I might add. Let them be - it'll show we respect the judicial rights of other countries."

3. "I agree," chimes in @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an anti-drug campaigner, waving a banner which reads 'Don't Be a Fool, Drugs Aren't Cool'. "Did you ever stop to think that our foreign neighbours might have the right idea? A zero-tolerance attitude to the drugs issue is what this country needs! Death to the dealers!"

4. "You people are so quick to lay the finger of blame," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an ambassador at the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Embassy in Maxtopia. "My motto has always been 'If you want something, give something away'. It is the government's duty to protect its citizens from harm! We don't want to cause too much international friction by making a mockery of their laws so we've got to settle things more diplomatically: they scratch our backs now and we'll scratch theirs later."

5. "That's what they want! Leverage!" hollers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Defence, storming into your office. "Advances in our markets, political favours - they'll do anything to undermine us! They've always hated us, those rats! If you ask me, this brouhaha isn't about drugs - it's a spit in our eye, that's what it is! What kind of people execute kids for having a few ounces on them? We ought to give them a good bombing, then they'll know how a proper country behaves!"

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#238: We Need A Few Good Men Who Like Men? [Scolopendra; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
With military recruitment numbers down, there's been some discussion in civilian circles of relaxing 'sodomy' regulations in the armed forces in order to allow homosexuals to serve openly. However, with the occasional reports from the field of suspected homosexuals being beaten by their squadmates, some wonder if such measures are really appropriate for the notoriously conservative culture of @@NAME@@'s military.

The Debate
1. "There will never be room for gays in our God-fearing service," says Army Chaplain Orel Roze, absent-mindedly fingering the religious device of his office on his lapel. "I mean, uh, think about what it would do to morale. In the military men have to eat, live, and sleep in extremely close quarters and even consensual sexual relationships in the chain of command leads to leadership problems. It's just a natural extension of fraternization rules... and not only that, but our current policy is actually a service to the poor misguided souls, since it prevents any temptation to act on their given perversion... I mean preference."

2. "God doesn't enter into it," says Air Force Lieutenant Colonel @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head shaking. "Times are changing, and people are becoming more accepting of homosexuals. We have women in the military, and that surely leads to 'temptation', but for the most part everyone's quite professional about it. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly will increase our recruitment pool and actually simplify things; just look at the Navy: hundreds of horny men in steel boxes in the middle of the ocean for up to six months at a time... there has to be a reason that people volunteer for that, right?"

3. "This coming from some pampered soul in the Chair Force," scoffs Commander @@RANDOM_NAME@@, calling in via satellite from aboard a destroyer. "Inter-service rivalries aside, ever read some of those ancient sagas about cities being besieged? Those ancient cultures had no problem with homosexuality; actually, it strengthened their resolve and spirit because they were literally fighting alongside their lovers, and anyone in the service will tell you it's all about the guy standing next to you. Now, what if--and this is just a hypothetical, mind--based on this and to counter years of discrimination, only homosexuals were allowed to serve?"

4. "That's... interesting, but it doesn't really address the problem, does it?" asks Lance Corporal @@RANDOM_NAME@@, part of your honor guard. "Let's look at it this way: only ten percent of the population is homosexual, right? No matter what, the majority will be heterosexual. We want homosexuals to serve, but there will always be a backlash against them. No regulation changes are needed if you just pen a policy where sexual orientation becomes a taboo subject in discussion--not like it's anyone's business to talk about their sexual interests in a professional military, right? This way homosexuals can serve, albeit quietly, and be happy, and the moral conservatives stay happy since the military is still 'officially' anti-gay. Of course, if anyone's pulled out of the closet, their career is instantly over, but that's the cost of compromise."

5. "We still have a military?" questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. "Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs ages ago. Y'know, if you'd just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn't be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Brancalandian Blues from a guy I know. I'm on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That's cool too." [Must not have Conscription]

6. "We still have a military?" questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. "Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs and all that enlistment hoopla ages ago. Y'know, if you'd just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn't be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Brancalandian Blues from a guy I know. I'm on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That's cool too." [Must have Conscription]

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#239: We Who Are About To Die Would Rather Go Home [The Lost Romans; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
An old supporter of yours has recently passed on, leaving a quite sizeable plot of land to you in his will - but only under a rather unusual condition: that the site be developed into a colosseum for hosting gladiatorial fights and other bloody spectacles.

The Debate
1. "Yes, yes!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a wooden sword enthusiastically. "You've gotta do this, man! Gladiator fights are like the ultimate in spectator sports! And it doesn't just have to be people! We could pit man against @@ANIMAL@@! Blade against claw! Nothing to their names but their wits and their stamina! You'd have to pay people a lot to risk their lives doing this but I bet you'd earn a whole lot more from merchandise and wagers and stuff!"

2. "That's just sick," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the Kill Violence Now Association. "I don't believe you'd find anyone willing to watch actual people tearing each other apart. It's savage and horrible! It's even worse than boxing! Violent sports should be outlawed for the sake of this country's moral integrity. I'm sorry, I've got to go - I'm ashamed you're even considering this."

3. "Actually, we could use this to our advantage," whispers Chief of Police, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Why not just force convicted criminals to fight for the amusement of the public? They'll be paying for their crimes, contributing to society, and totally freeing us of having to build jails to throw their useless hides in!"

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#240: Plea Bargains: Tipping The Scales Of Justice? [Jacobaea; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
The high-profile case of Damon 'The Butcher of @@CAPITAL@@' White, a serial murderer and rapist, has been the subject of outrage and derision by @@NAME@@'s news providers. In exchange for a guilty verdict, no trial by jury, and testimony in another trial, White pled guilty to third-degree manslaughter, reducing his sentence to a paltry three months' imprisonment. The justness of plea bargaining is now being called into question.

The Debate
1. "Plea bargains degrade the fairness of our justice system," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a recently graduated lawyer. "Prosecutors are only interested in getting their guilty verdict and plea bargaining is the easiest way to get it! The recent trial of that psychopath mass-murderer is a disgrace! If it had gone before a jury he'd be behind bars by now! He won't though, because the prosecutors and police are too lazy to do their jobs properly. Putting that man back on the streets is not justice. Plea bargaining must be banned."

2. "What that moral elitist is neglecting to tell you," sneers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a prosecutor. "Is that plea bargaining has made our judicial system MORE effective, not less! There needs to be give and take so we can get to the truth and that's what plea bargains allow us. We were able to catch the worst criminal kingpin @@NAME@@ has ever seen because of Mr White's testimony. Also, do you realise how clogged up and expensive the court system would be if every trial went before jury? Very, my friend. Very. Plea bargaining must be allowed to continue."

3. "You know, we wouldn't have to worry about any of this nonsense and controversy if we just stopped giving our criminals so many rights," sighs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your fifth cousin, five times removed. "Double jeopardy, cruel and unusual punishment, the writ of habeas corpus... there are just so many inconvenient clauses in our constitution that are getting in the way of keeping our streets clean of crooks. I say we abolish the right to a fair trial, and just lock people up if the judge thinks they've done something wrong. I mean, they're pretty smart guys aren't they?"

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#241: A Capital City For @@NAME@@? [Sirocco]

The Issue
As @@NAME@@ continues to grow, so too does its government. The number of politicians needed to administrate and legislate the country is rapidly surpassing the Houses of Parliament's capacity with ministers often requiring periscopes to see the House Speaker. Some are suggesting a new building be built in another city - a city which would then be designated as the capital city of @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "I would like to make a humble recommendation for my own proud jurisdiction," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, mayor of one of @@NAME@@'s major cities. "It would be an honour for our city to be host to the seat of power! If it will seal the deal, you can change the name if you like..."

2. "Hah! Capital city indeed!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a fervent anarchist, spilling leaflets all over the floor. "What's wrong with being free as the wind? Do you really think one city could possibly represent a whole country? Its people? I've had enough of the man trying to screw us down all the time! Say NO to a national capital!"

3. "I can accept and even approve of having a capital city," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a military strategist. "But we'd be putting all our eggs in one basket if we choose somewhere too vulnerable! Believe me, capitals always get the brunt of the enemy attack because of their political and economic importance. We should put aside a few billion @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ and build our capital city underground. They'll never bomb us there!"

4. "I've got an idea," says theme park tycoon, Lindsay Tew. "My company will happily sponsor the new establishment and cover all costs - as long as it's made to our specifications. We've already got plans drawn up to put a roller coaster straight through the House of Commons! A cafe, some kiosks for ice cream... maybe even a water slide or two in the lobby! It'll be one part legislative seat of government, one part family-fun theme park! Tourists will flock from around the globe!"

5. "What's wrong with the old building?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a noted disestablishmentarian. "We don't need some kind of fancy capital city just to make the bigwig ministers feel important! If there's no room, then fire politicians until there IS room. Have you never heard of doing more with less?"

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#242: Follow The Leader [Sirocco]

The Issue
A lowly bureaucrat riffling through some old paperwork has happened across a rather alarming and disturbing fact: the documentation affirming yourself as @@NAME@@'s head of state was filled out improperly and now, at least for the moment, @@NAME@@ has no official leader!

The Debate
1. "There is no need to panic," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a senior archivist. "I've prepared a new document. All you need to do is sign across the dotted line and you will be our esteemed leader once again. Here! I've even brought a pen."

2. "Give me that!" interrupts your brother, incorrigible as always. "I've got an idea, bear with me for a moment... a few penstrokes here... a few clauses there... finished. Now you can set yourself up as Supreme Evil Overlord For Life! If you don't have complete control then where's the fun? That's what I say. I've taken the liberty of cutting some of the more boring departments, we only really need the police and military in my opinion. Oh! You get a free space hopper too."

3. "Hold on! Don't sign it yet! Have you ever heard the saying 'two heads are better than one'?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Complicating Things. "Well, what if we had SEVERAL? I propose we gather the most senior ministers of @@NAME@@ to act together as a collective head of state! That's a little more democratic than one person bossing everyone else around. Besides, even if you're not THE leader, your opinions are still deeply respected so it shouldn't be too much of a step down right?"

4. "As if ONE leader isn't oppressive enough!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a little known representative from one of @@NAME@@'s more obscure counties. "Suddenly we need even more? This is a great opportunity for @@NAME@@ to lose elitist concepts like 'leaders'. My ma taught me that all men are born equal and yet even in a modern country like this one person can be named Lord and King of everything. One person should not have that much power! Government policy should be the equal responsibility of all @@NAME@@'s elected politicians."

5. "If we did that, even some crackpot quango would have the same power as the Minister of Defence," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who happens to be the Minister of Defence. "That's insane. We need strong leadership' to get things accomplished! Have you ever been in a meeting where everyone's opinion is, ugh, 'equal'? They go on for HOURS. HOURS! Believe me, trying to run a government that way will be a massive, fruitless headache. The leader's word is law, and if people don't get that then maybe a little show of strength courtesy of the military wouldn't go amiss."

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#243: A Question Of Faith [Sirocco]

The Issue
Infighting between major religious groups over which faith should represent @@NAME@@ in an international exhibition of holy relics escalated to a new high, today. After the latest incident, in which one official received a concussion from a sacred healing stone, all of the religious leaders are at last united - in demanding you choose a national religion.

The Debate
1. "If you would grant us this one small mercy we would all be free from the iniquitous sin of envy," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, nervously rubbing a small religious symbol. "One's faith is one's guiding light after all, and I believe if you choose a national religion, well, MINE anyway, that God will smile upon this nation full of heathens a little more kindly."

2. "I don't believe choosing one faith from the thousands out there is very fair," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, author of the critically acclaimed 'Agnosticism and You'. "Which god do we pick? How do we pick? It's impossible! We don't even know if higher beings exist and it's sheer arrogance to postulate otherwise! The government should officially declare that @@NAME@@ has no official religion, because the alternative would be self-damning. Not that we know that for sure, of course."

3. "Oh for chaos' sake! 'I don't know this, I don't know that' - well of course you don't!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of The Secular, Humanist, and Atheist Society. "But some of us have the guts to look at the available evidence and try to make something out of it! If the government has any brains or guts of its own it will reach the same conclusion that I and millions of other forward-looking people have reached: there is no God, there is no afterlife, and this is all there is. THAT, @@LEADER@@, is what the government's official stance should be."

[4]. "The only god this nation needs is the vengeful and unforgiving Violet!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Grand High Poobah of the Order of Violet. "May her tentacles forever secrete slime. Embrace Violetism and we will usher in a new age of darkness across the land! Human sacrifice and death to all heretics and unbelievers! Violet is the only way!" [Must not ban Violetism]

5. "The only deity this country needs is the one it already has, master," says Emmanuel Syme, one of your creepier advisers while obsequiously bowing on the floor. "I of course refer to you, @@LEADER@@, the finest ruler any humble subject could hope to have! We long to worship you and do your bidding! Some call that a cult of personality, but I prefer to call it... love."

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#244: Foreign Invasion Force Takes On Small Farming Community [Altlands; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Taking advantage of your limited military capacity, the remote nation of Wezeltonia has invaded one of your distant overseas territories, the @@ANIMAL@@ Isles. They claim sovereignty over the islands, despite the descendants of @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ colonists having lived there for generations. An emergency meeting has been convened to discuss the matter.

The Debate
1. "We should never have allowed our military to become this pathetic," sighs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your only Military Advisor. "It's an open invitation for invasions. If we're going to protect our shores against this enemy we need a show of strength - gather what resources we have and send them to protect the @@ANIMAL@@ Isles. Time is of the essence!"

2. "I was never trained for this!" wails Private @@RANDOM_NAME@@, knock-kneed and rosy-cheeked. "If we go to full scale war with Wezeltonia we're sure to lose, I just know it! Couldn't we try, uh, 'dip-low-mah-tic relations'? A little talk over tea and biscuits goes a long way! Then no one will need to go to w-w-war. Ahem. War."

3. "Let's not let national pride blind us to the facts," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an amateur historian. "I mean, those islands are practically next door to Wezeltonia, it's not unreasonable to assume they might want to claim them. Where's the benefit in wasting billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ on protecting a colonial presence anyway? There's nothing there but grass, mud, and @@ANIMAL@@ farms."

4. "Those 'colonials' are proud, legal citizens of the @@TYPE@@ of @@NAME@@, moron," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, fully bedecked in a suit fashioned after the national flag. "And they deserve to be protected! A slight against one of us is a slight against all of us! We've gotta show those Wezeltonians we mean business! If you take over the factories, institute an emergency draft, and get as many battleships and fighter jets out there as possible then we might stand a chance! No expense is too costly for the lives of @@NAME@@'s sons and daughters!"

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#245: Clash Of Cultures [Drunk Cowboy Junkies; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in @@NAME@@ are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country's rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.

The Debate
1. "It's disrespectful," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, serving traditional @@ANIMAL@@-shaped cookies on a tray. "These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I've never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don't even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse... well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much."

2. "I have a right to lead my life the way I want," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. "I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don't wish to 'integrate' shouldn't have to."

3. "Oh, there's no need to be like that!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. "@@NAME@@ should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don't reject it! These folk aren't hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It's our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays - how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it."

4. "We need to stop thinking of 'them' as a problem that needs to be fixed," insists @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an undergraduate in anthropology. "Integration in society is a two-way street, @@LEADER@@. We can't shun people for not following @@FAITH@@ or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That's just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in @@NAME@@."

5. "That's stupid," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, flatly. "I'm not going to 'bond' with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they'll realise that yeah, they're people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods - even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere."

6. "Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, shouting into a megaphone. "How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We've all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn't be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn't be allowed! I won't abide it!"

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#246: @@NAME@@ To Hold The Olympic Torch? [Yenen; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Enthusiastic sports fans have been petitioning the government all week to apply for the much-coveted honour of hosting the next Regional Olympics. While most citizens are excited at the prospect of a @@REGION@@-wide competition in their own country, some have expressed reservations about the enormous expense hosting would incur.

The Debate
1. "WAHAAAAY!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, captain of @@CAPITAL@@'s premier division ballroom dancing team. "Finally, a chance to show the world exactly how great I am! Everybody's always complaining that @@NAME@@ never does well in sports and you know why? It's because we're never in front of the home crowd, that's why! We're going to need a great big stadium! No! TWO stadiums! WHOOP! OL-YM-PICS! OL-YM-PICS!"

2. "Oh great," mutters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, spokesperson for the Angry Taxpayer Society. "That's all we need, more things to pour money into for no obvious reason. Surely it would be easier to just let another country host the Olympics and keep the cash? Then maybe it could go to something useful, like, I don't know... my wallet?"

3. "We'd be missing an amazing opportunity if we pass this up," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Sports. "But we've got to be in it to win! Simply building new stadia won't be enough, we need to be funding new sports centres and hiring the best coaches for our entrants! You could put more money into public facilities too, like gyms or something. Then no one can accuse you of wasting everyone's tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@."

4. "There's nothing like a feat of strength to please the dull-witted masses, is there?" sighs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, flipping through 'One Hundred Gambits for Advanced Go Players'. "It's so boring. Why can't more intellectual pursuits be given the spotlight, like chess or debating matches? Ban organised sports and make our dreams come true! I think you'll find it comes at a far lower price than the populist Olympics ever will."

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#247: Where There's Smoke [Avartinate; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.

The Debate
1. "See here, buddy," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. "Your country needs fire protection, but you don't want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It's not like we won't put out the fires if they don't have anything on them, we'll just bill them and their children and their children's children until we get all our money."

2. "Woah, woah, woah!" Says liberal activist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I don't want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don't have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you're at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It's only fair."

3. "Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. "And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in @@NAME@@ so be it! Damn the expenses, @@LEADER@@, lives are at stake!"

4. "I think that sounds kinda... socialist," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ with a disgusted grimace. "The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you'll find they wise up quite quickly! We don't need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they'll have no one to blame but themselves."

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#248: The Sky Is Falling [Freedomstaki; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A particularly bad spate of bombings, hijackings and snake attacks aboard airline flights has crippled the air travel industry in @@NAME@@. The government has convened to discuss possible ways of improving airport security.

The Debate
1. "It's a no-brainer," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, frisking you as you enter the meeting. "Put police officers on every flight, armed and ready to deal with those blasted sky pirates! It's deterrence and protection wrapped up in one. If anyone so much as says the word 'bomb' they'd better watch out!"

[2]. "You want to put people with GUNS on aeroplanes?!" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a security guard at @@RANDOM_NAME@@ International Airport. "And at the taxpayers' expense to boot? For the love of Violet, keep the police out of this! Airport security should remain in private hands! Think realistically for a moment: government priorities change all the time but companies are in it for profit. Bombings are BAD for business! We don't LET them happen! So just... butt out will you? I'm not losing my job to a flatfoot!" [Must have private industry]

[3]. "We don't need no copper protectin' us! We can look after our own hides!" laughs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the @@CAPITAL@@ Rifle and Revolver Association. "Air flight passengers should be allowed to carry concealed weapons. If one of them terrorists thinks he's gonna walk all over @@NAME@@ like he owns the place then he's got another thing coming, ha!" [Guns are legal]

4. "I only wanted to tour @@REGION@@ for a few w-weeks," wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, recovering from a particularly vigorous strip search. "I have a right not to be probed and prodded at the whim of some wand-waving monkey with a high school education! For a whole HOUR I might add! They treat us like cattle! In the name of DECENCY, I request, nay DEMAND an end to the disgrace that is airport security! I mean, really, it's like they don't trust me or something!"

5. "Let's just ban all planes!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, prodding you angrily in the chest. "Bombings and terrorist attacks aren't the only problems these things cause! The aeroplane is one of the worst pollutants mankind has ever created! They're loud, they're ugly, and they burn fuel like there's no tomorrow! There are more environment-friendly ways to travel than by plane even if they are slower! Much slower. But cleaner!"

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#249: Particle Accelerator Sparks High Energy Debate [Milostein; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Some of @@NAME@@'s most distinguished physicists have approached you asking for a government grant funding for the Really Big Hadron Collider: the world's largest - and most expensive - particle accelerator.

The Debate
1. "There's only so much you can do with limited equipment and computer simulations," explains Higgs Boughson, professor of Engineering at @@CAPITAL@@ University. "There are things out there just waiting to be discovered. A few billion @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to find them and the fruits of this research will benefit mankind for generations. Kinda. Ish. It'll shut Steven up about his ridiculous electron phasing hypothesis anyway."

2. "Did you know that this experiment has a one in ten million chance of creating a microscopic black hole that will gobble up the whole planet in an apocalyptic chain reaction?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, sporting a magnificent tin foil bicorne. "I read it on the internet so it must be true! Scientists may CLAIM it's safe, but they can't even design a soda that doesn't go flat when you shake it! They have NO RIGHT to gamble with our lives. You've got to end this mad research at once! If God had wanted us to study atoms he wouldn't have made them so small!"

3. "You know what also has a one in ten million chance?" asks blue collar worker @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This project actually discovering something useful! Why should we, the suffering taxpayers, fork over all that money so they can discover... what? You can't eat subatomic particles, you know. I'm sure they'll learn lots of interesting things about protons and quarks but on the other hand... I don't give a flying @@ANIMAL@@. Scientists that aren't studying something practical and for the good of the common man shouldn't be given government funding."

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:54 am

#250: Recession, Depression, And Deficit [The Realist Polities; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
@@NAME@@ faces one of its most serious financial crises in history. @@CAPITAL@@'s stock market has been steadily falling for months, the markets are now divesting and a general sell out spree is feared by analysts.

The Debate
1. "We've got to act decisively, and quickly," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a columnist for the Financial Times. "Only a rush of public investment can save us from a depression. We need dams, roads, and absurdly large ships to inject new capital into the economy and put a bit of wind in the private sector's sails."

2. "To spend government money saving unprofitable companies is ludicrous and in denial of the facts," objects @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CFO of Chairs 'n' Stuff PLC. "They screwed up! They don't deserve to survive! What we need is a new round of tax breaks for the most effective enterprises, like good old Chairs 'n' Stuff - if you ever need your upholstery repaired, let us know won't you? Anyway, tax breaks will attract new investors and businesses. Trust me, large-scale investment in the middle of a recession is madness. We need to stop the deficit, not increase it."

3. "Yes, let's just ignore the fact that thousands of people would lose their jobs while the remaining companies glorify in their newfound monopolies," snipes @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of an independent business. "The stock market's failing because it's abused and manipulated by greedy investors only out to make an easy profit. Who cares if you're lying and cheating to get it, right? Hmph! The financial market of @@NAME@@'s been riddled with insider trading and who knows what else for years! if the government doesn't put an end to it now then the economy will never bounce back."

4. "It's not the corporations who are to blame! It's YOU," declares trade unionist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, pointing at you dramatically. "It's all of us. We've been indulging in a self-destructive economic system for too long, always taking and never giving back. Capitalism has failed. What we must do as concerned citizens is nationalise the entire economic infrastructure and control the inflation by giving the government authority to set commodity prices."

5. "Deregulation isn't the problem - quite the opposite," suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, representative of a consortium of banks and major corporations. "Government checks and balances and competition laws have been the grasping stranglehold on the economy's throat for far too long. Do you really think corporations would allow the economy to suffer like this if it had full control? No, it would not. It is bad for business and what's bad for business needs to be removed. If you want this nation to survive, the market must be freed from these shackles."

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#251: The Trouble With Hobos [Responsible; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
After several complaints of the tripping hazards presented by sleeping bags on the doorsteps of public buildings, the citizens of @@NAME@@ have brought the problem of homelessness to your attention.

The Debate
1. "To be honest, I'd just like a place to stay," says a scruffy man who's been living under your desk. "Somewhere I don't have some landlord breathing down my neck all the time. If the government could see fit to build some kind of free hostel where people could go if they've fallen on hard times, well, that'd be just great."

2. "You can't possibly think that's a good permanent solution!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, coordinator of the local soup kitchen. "What these people need is help to get their lives back on track. Yes, they have the right to a place to live, but they also need an honest job to pay for it. They need to be encouraged to work to become integrated into society again! Require the nation's industries to create some basic jobs for these poor souls, and soon they will become pillars of the community!"

3. "And who do you suppose pays for all this?" snaps @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your advisors. "Your loyal taxpayers, that's who! People who actually work for the things they have! And let's face it: these vagrants bring it on themselves - frittering their money away on rubbish and rollicking in unemployment while the rest of the world slaves away to make ends meet. They're worthless scum and they gave up their 'rights' a long time ago. I say we leave them to their misery until they become a nuisance, then have them dealt with like any other criminal."

4. "As far as I can see, homeless people are already a nuisance," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a proud citizen. "They're mostly thieves and drug addicts, they make the streets a dangerous place for our children, they make honest people feel guilty for turfing them off their doorsteps and, frankly, they smell bad. They're vermin, plain and simple, and as such, I suggest they be destroyed before the infestation gets even more out of hand."

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#252: Great Balls Of Fire! [Unibot; ed: Responsible]

The Issue
@@NAME@@ is abuzz with news of a huge meteorite - dubbed 'Big Max' by the media - which smashed into a large town on the outskirts of @@CAPITAL@@ yesterday, killing thousands and leaving behind nothing but a smouldering crater.

The Debate
1. "We can't let a little old boulder get the best of us!" bellows @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a burly military official. "We have to fight back! Show 'em what we're made of! With a little funding, we could develop some terrific new weapons for the next bit of flying rock that dares to threaten us! Blow it to smithereens! If ever there was a time to prepare for space warfare, it is now!"

2. "That's all well and good," interjects Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leading scientist at the @@NAME@@ Meteorological Office. "Except that the chances of a fall of this magnitude occurring twice in the same area are miniscule at worst. I propose you direct your funding to the real issue here - rebuilding the homes and properties that have been lost, and tending to the injured and traumatised. As soon as we've removed what's left of Big Max for studying, you can make a start."

3. "Remove the greatest phenomenon @@NAME@@ has ever seen?!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the famous museum tycoon. "Surely you can envisage the profit that could be had here? We should be opening the site for tourists! Think of the possibilities - guided tours, gift shops, theme parks! You don't want to build on top of all that potential, do you? Besides, the old residents are all dead now anyway! I'm sure this is what they would have wanted."

[4]. "All of these ideas are either costly, ridiculous or both!" snorts your Spiritual Advisor, leaning over your desk. "Your people are frightened and vulnerable right now. They don't want you to take action; they want you to tell them it'll all be okay. We could use this! Tell them Big Max was a warning from the Heavens! Strike the fear of the Mighty One into their hearts and they'll do whatever you tell them!" [Must allow religion / Must not have Atheism]

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#253: How Much Democracy Is Too Much? [Kandarin; ed: Kandarin]

The Issue
Government bureaucrats have called for an end to the mandatory referenda of new laws, citing the difficulty of processing so many votes on a regular basis.

The Debate
1. "The madness has gone on for long enough," says Voting Registry Clerk @@RANDOM_NAME@@, visibly suffering from sleep deprivation. "We've been working around the clock processing all these referendums! Every day we receive millions of votes for the most inconsequential of by-laws! They all have to be counted, recounted, checked for errors, and it's driving me up the wall! You need to leave the responsibility of voting to Parliament. After all, representing the people is what they get paid for."

[2]. "Don't stop the referendums! We need more democracy, not less!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a prominent voting rights advocate. "Giving the law back to the people was a good first step, but where's the democracy in the courts? Court verdicts are still forced down the people's throats by mean, spiteful judges with no one to answer to! It's time to abolish the judicial system once and for all and give justice back to the people!" [Must have a judiciary]

3. "Excuse us, but aren't you missing the point?" asks the unidentified spokesman of some citizens gathered around your office door. "We, the people of @@NAME@@, know what is in our best interests. We can make our OWN decisions. Why don't you leave this matter to us? We'll hold a referendum to decide what needs to be done, should only be a week or two. We'll get back to you once we're finished."

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#254: Freedom Comes At A Price [Responsible; ed: Responsible]

The Issue
A recent boom in @@NAME@@'s slave trade has uncovered the work of slave liberation group, Friends of Spartacus, who are purchasing slaves by the hundred in order to set them free. As a result of this huge increase in demand, slavers have had to resort to raiding the poorer regions of @@NAME@@ for more 'stock'.

The Debate
1. "This has gone too far!" yells Patrick Griswold, a supermarket cashier and father of seven. "Slave liberation indeed! Thanks to the efforts of the so-called 'Friends' of Spartacus, decent, hardworking people are being dragged kicking and screaming from their homes to be used for profit against their will! The government has to do something about these ignorant activists before they cause any more harm!"

2. "I can't believe what I'm hearing!" cries Friends of Spartacus founder, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I think we all know the real issue here is that the despicable trade of human beings is actually legal in this country! It's unethical, barbaric, and just plain wrong. Are we not above this kind of thing? I propose we abolish the slave trade altogether!"

[3]. "Abolish the what, now?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a wealthy slaveholder. "Have you any idea how important our sla- er… merchandise, is to the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ economy? Without all this free labour, dozens of major industries would fall apart, and fine upstanding tradesmen such as myself would be sent straight to the poorhouse! If the government would see fit to invest in this highly lucrative business, we could import our product from abroad to meet demands instead of trading in the dregs of our own populace. Problem solved!" [Must not have an autark economy]

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#255: Welfare Programs Not Faring Well [Glen-Rhodes; ed: Glen-Rhodes]

The Issue
A recent lull in legislation has sparked the fires of some bored politicians. After reviewing the back-log of constituent complaints, they've come to your desk demanding welfare reform.

The Debate
1. "The process ought to be made easier," says Inga Matthews, picking the grime out of her dirty fingernails. "It's so difficult convincing welfare administrators that I am actually a poor, helpless vagrant on the brink of homelessness! When you finally do, you get tangled up in all the red tape, and you're lucky to see a dime. The government should just trust my word and fork over the @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ I need to survive."

2. "The current system is not very efficient, I'll admit," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a local welfare administrator and esteemed bureaucrat. "But we can't trust these bums to manage their welfare aid. How are we supposed to help them help themselves if they waste their benefits on things like trashy clothes and cheap alcohol? We need more authority over how the aid is spent, it's the only way we can be assured that it is used responsibly."

3. "Get the free-loaders off the government teat!" shouts conservative activist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The free-market system says that those who work hard will succeed. If these so-called 'needy people' would roll their sleeves up, lift a finger, and earn an honest living, we wouldn't be bankrupting our country helping them! The only sensible solution is to abolish all welfare programs, and let the natural, capitalist process take place."

4. "He has a point," says popular political pundit @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "There are a lot of people in the system, and some of them don't really need to be there. The government should be finding these people jobs, so that our welfare system can survive and meet the needs of the truly impoverished. Of course, we're going to have to spend a few @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to achieve this goal. But, what's a little tax hike if it means saving our dying welfare programs and the people who depend on them?"

5. "Capitalism is the very reason why we need welfare in the first place. Laissez-faire policies would only make the problem worse," argues political activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If the government would ensure that all employers pay their employees the amount they need to live – no more, no less – then the problem of providing for the poor would disappear."

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#256: Easter Egg: Suburbs Are Out Of This World [Scolopendra; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
High crime rates have made the inner cities of @@NAME@@'s largest conurbations increasingly dangerous and undesirable places to live. The mass exodus of the middle class from city centers has escalated to the extent that the suburbs and exurbs of major cities are beginning to collide, leaving no land for expansion. In response, a group of well-to-do soccer moms are petitioning the government for funds to establish white-collar living space... on the Moon.

The Debate
1. "Crime is perpetually increasing," says Chastity Elizabeth Prescott as she adjusts the sweater tied like a cape over her shoulders. "Just yesterday my little John Alexander Stuart's after-school Bigtopianese tutor was attacked by a gang of hoodlums! Our children deserve safe housing and exactly manicured lawns no greater than two inches in grass blade height! With a sufficient colonization effort, we can commute from communities on the Moon to the industries in our big cities. You must support this--think of the children!"

2. "Rockets?!" shrieks noted bleeding heart Sunflower Earthchild Starbeam, pulling her knit cap more closely over her ears. "Think of the pollution, and the danger! What if there's an accident? This cockamamie scheme must clearly be banned! And you thought cars were bad- wait! Cars ARE bad!"

3. "Everyone knows urban blight is caused by the flight of capital to the suburbs and exurbs," notes the prominent left-wing economist Engelbert Pinquo. "Running away to the Moon will solve nothing. Capital, and those who have it, must be brought back to the inner city... by force if need be."

4. "Stone the crows! We're trapped between hippies, communists and soccer moms," grumbles Vice Admiral @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We need breathing room, and everyone knows there ain't no air on the Moon! So let's get it the old-fashioned way - by invading our neighbors! @@REGION@@ will fall to the might of @@NAME@@!"

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#257: @@LEADER@@ Assassinated... Almost [Hessinator; ed: Responsible]

The Issue
As you very well know, a masked stranger with a pistol made an attempt on your life but moments ago while you were out on your lunch break. An emergency meeting has been called right here in the middle of the street after the would-be assassin disappeared over a nearby grassy knoll.

The Debate
1. "Oh dear! Oh dearie me, that was so rude!" coos your personal assistant, adjusting your tie. "You'll just have to prove to the citizens of @@NAME@@ that you are a good and benevolent leader, and don't deserve to be brutally shot in the head! The only way to keep you safe is to make the public like you! Do something nice for them! Might I suggest a nice tax cut?"

2. "What makes you think it's a member of the general public behind this?" asks your Head of Security, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "It's more likely to be the work of some underground separatist group trying to remove you from power! We've let them have their protests and their rallies and their free speech, and now they've taken it to the next level! We should be cracking down on this insolence instead of rewarding it! Show the people what happens to those who dare to question your authority. You've got to remind them that you, @@LEADER@@, are their Lord and Master!"

3. "Whoa there! Let's not be too hasty, bruv!" says law-abiding citizen, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, casually walking up to you and flinging an arm around your shoulder. "This sort of thing wouldn't be a problem at all if you just beefed up your personal security a bit. You could hire a few extra bodyguards and get yourself a shiny new armoured car! Nobody could touch you!"

4. "Hah! Like that will work!" snorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Minister of Waste Disposal and Sanitation. "They'll just come after the rest of us and destroy the government from the bottom up! No, we need to go even further - reinforce the Parliament! We'll turn @@CAPITAL@@ into an impenetrable fortress! Robot bodyguards, food tasters... no expense should be spared! We should all do our jobs through a complex network of computers so we never have to leave the safety of our offices again!"

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#258: What's In A Name? [Zombitosis; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
A man by the name of &%*\@# Smith hit the headlines yesterday when he had his first name legally changed to 'John', citing the ridicule and stress he suffered because of his given name. Mr Smith publicly commented afterwards that there should be more restrictions on what parents can name their children.

The Debate
1. "People do so love to be different," says Insert Name Here, with a heavy sigh. "I don't know what my folks were thinking when they named me. Probably about how 'novel' and 'with it' they were being, but I didn't get a say in it did I? Growing up in my neighbourhood with the first name 'Insert' wasn't fun at all I can tell you! The government should set up a registry of recognised names that are clean, sensible, and non-teasable. Kids deserve better."

2. "It's none of the government's business what I name my daughter," says Follicle Rainbow Gooseknob, cradling [expletive deleted] in her arms. "Are you going to tell us what to think next? Where to go? Who to love? I don't want some grey-faced bureaucrat deciding what name is appropriate for my child! What kind of country hates personal freedom so much you can't even choose your own name?"

3. "Names? Names are so inefficient!" says Five-Oh-Three McGoohan, counting beads. "Who can honestly tell one @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from another? That name's so popular now, I met three people at the mall with it just last week! Face it! Names are old-hat! Everyone ought to go by a government-allocated ID number instead, much more practical. Who could make fun of a child named Six-Eight-Four?"

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#259: A Taste Of Revenge [South Von; ed: Kandarin]

The Issue
A spectacular but failed attempt on your life made national news today. Interrogation of captured suspects has pinned the blame on agents of the nation of Blackacre, with which @@NAME@@ has notoriously chilly relations. Your cabinet is divided as to how to respond.

The Debate
1. "Assassins, huh? Well, two can play at that game!" says Warren McCue, your chief military adviser. "An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth! An assassination for a... missed shot, I suppose. Never mind that, think of the possibilities! Not only can we strike back at the scumbags who sent this assassin after you, we can turn our attention to... 'manipulating' the positions of foreign leaders and political rivals that stand in the way of @@NAME@@'s glory." He then points two fingers at the wall and mouths 'bang bang' noises.

2. "Sending assassins to avenge you isn't enough!" argues hawkish talk-show host, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The fact that Blackacre is this bold means we haven't made them fear us yet - and a nation that isn't feared isn't respected. We need to do the only thing we CAN do: bomb their cities! Raise a revolution! Salt their fields! It may cost money, but our nation's honor is priceless."

3. "I can't believe what I'm hearing!" says the muffled voice of @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an anti-violence protestor who was, until now, hiding in your air vents. "By building up our military-industrial complex, WE have become the aggressor. WE are giving nations like Blackacre good reasons to hate us! No wonder they tried to kill you - we aren't giving them enough breathing room. If we cut back our military a bit and sent them a fruit basket now and then these problems would never happen."

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#260: Taxpayers On Strike! [Makinsanity; ed: Kandarin]

The Issue
The latest budget reports have marked a steady decline in @@NAME@@'s monthly income. A study initiated by your treasurers has revealed that many of your nation's citizens are not paying their taxes.

The Debate
1. "Damn right we're not!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of many citizens protesting in front of your office. "Your oppressively high taxes are picking our pockets and robbing us of our livelihood. No more, we say! The government may call us tax cheats, but that's just because it's afraid to call us the PATRIOTS that we are! Cut the tax rate, and we'll think about paying again."

2. "@@NAME@@ can't survive when people don't pay their taxes!" retorts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the head of @@NAME@@'s Revenue Bureau. "Citizens may feel that they need to keep all of their @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@, but the government needs it too! Without taxation, how can we build roads, schools and hospitals? How can we protect the people from themselves? We need to give the police broad powers to lay down the law on these tax-evading scum until they pay up."

3. "Scum is such a harsh word. Everyone has something worthwhile to contribute, as my mother always said." says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, controversial social theorist and fountain of homespun folk wisdom. "Even if they won't pay their taxes, folks ought to have other ways to pay back into society. They could spend some time with the civil service or military reserve, for example. And goodness knows, blood and organ donation rates aren't as high as they could be. A pint of blood or a good kidney ought to pay a tax bill right proper."

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#261: Plastic, Plastic Everywhere [Nation of Quebec; ed: Kandarin]

The Issue
An unusual alliance of environmental activists and garbagemen have brought to your attention the increasing glut of plastic bags that have been found littering the streets of @@NAME@@'s cities.

The Debate
1. "These damn bags are everywhere!" shouts angry garbageman @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They're in our trees, in our rivers, in our streets, and in our sewer system! Do you know how much extra work we have to do to clean up after slobs who are too lazy to put their trash in a can? Ban these bags completely and fine those stores who refuse to comply! Sure, people may have to remember to bring their own damn bags, but think about the back-breaking labor my fellow garbagemen will avoid! And the environment, of course."

2. "If you can't get rid of the bags, you must change the bags!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an environmentalist spokesperson wearing a lab coat and a huge grin. "Scientists have developed plastics that break down over time, so it doesn't matter where they're dumped. Require that only biodegradable plastic bags can be sold in @@NAME@@, and the problem will go away."

*3. "You're not really going to listen to this nonsense, are you?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of PlastiCorp Industries. "Do you know how much this will hurt the plastic industry? How many people I will need to lay off? How many @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ I - I mean, @@NAME@@ - will lose? Our economy needs less environmental regulation, not more! Just say no to limits on our plastic bags, and while you're at it loosen up environmental laws for corporations in general. We can't afford to let hippie ideas get in the way of @@NAME@@'s bottom line." [Must have private industry]

[4]. "Why should consumers have to worry about bags at all?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of an online grocery store. "E-commerce is the way of the future. We need to take the next step and put the entire retail industry online. Think about it! No more bags, no more waiting in line, no more wasted time going to the store for food when your food can come to you. Sure, it'll cause some unemployment in the short run, but there'll be plenty of jobs at our warehouses. Everyone who matters should have an internet connection by now and it's high time we embraced the future." [Must have private industry]

*5. "You're not really going to listen to this nonsense, are you?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of Plastic Production in East @@NAME@@. "Do you know how integral plastic is to our national economy? How much damage it will do to associated industries? Our nation needs less environmental regulation, not more! Just say no to limits on our plastic bags, and while you're at it loosen up environmental laws in general. We can't afford to let decadent eco-imperialist ideas get in the way of @@NAME@@'s production output." [Must not have private industry]

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#262: Sticks And Stones [Zwangzug; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Nicholas Condor, a prominent Bigtopian activist and soapbox orator, caused quite a stir last week when he publicly called for the complete extermination of the people of @@NAME@@, accusing fellow citizens of being 'sub-human', 'immoral', and 'really ugly too'. Citizens Against Intolerance, a pressure group aiming to reduce social inequality, has demanded that the government put more resources into combating hate speech. Coincidentally, another society, also called Citizens Against Intolerance, has stood up for Mr Condor, claiming that inhibiting his speeches would be a violation of his right to free speech.

The Debate
1. "I can't believe we're even debating this," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who was present at the infamous speech. "Doesn't it worry you that a man, who would obviously be happier if we all died horrible, painful deaths, is allowed to walk around in public? Let him continue and he'll cause a riot! Free speech is supposed to protect people! But talking about genocide and killing, well... that doesn't help anyone. It breaks society. It drives us apart. Hate speech is a very serious crime, @@LEADER@@. You can't just ignore it."

2. "Words by themselves can't hurt anyone," counters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a free speech advocate. "We don't need to be 'protected' from hearing different opinions for goodness' sake! Oh, what a boring place the world would be if we all had the same thoughts! You can't punish people for disagreeing with you! That's crazy! I hate my mother-in-law, but if I told her so and she then tried to stab me with a kitchen knife then the problem is obviously hers - not mine."

3. "I agree to an extent," ventures @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Domestic Security. "But insulting one person is not the same as insulting an entire social grouping. The wrong word in the wrong place and you WILL have violence on the streets: that's the reality we live in, whether you like it or not. If we want to make any real difference then we need to nudge cultural values in the right direction with government awareness programmes and the like. Educate the masses! Laying down a reactionary law will just fuel resentment in the long run."

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#263: Wind Farms Blowing Up A Storm [Alathaea; ed: Sirocco]

The Issue
Wind farms have been set up across the country, generating enormous amounts of renewable energy for the citizens of @@NAME@@. However, there are some who feel that they cause more problems than they solve.

The Debate
1. "Hideous eyesores!" roars @@RANDOM_NAME@@, founder of the 'Not Within Eyesight Of My Backyard!' pressure group. "All I wanted when I retired was a little cottage in the country; somewhere to pursue my hobby in watercolours - but no, the hippies just had to spoil it for everyone didn't they?! This place was beautiful! Green fields and perfect blue skies! Not anymore, though! These unnatural monstrosities are ruining my damn view! They should be taken down and scrapped!"

2. "Oh, cry me a river," grumbles @@RANDOM_NAME@@, senior maintenance engineer of the local wind farm. "Just one of these wind turbines can power over a thousand homes each year and with only a minute fraction of the environmental impact of burning fossil fuels! These people are literally in favour of doing more harm to the environment they're supposedly 'protecting' from wind farms! It's beyond hypocrisy and very, very selfish. These ignorant villagers should be ashamed of themselves!"

3. "Perhaps we're just putting them in the wrong place?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, another engineer. "We should be building wind farms out at sea! Strong uninterrupted winds and no local residents to disturb! Sounds like the perfect solution, if you ask me. Setting them up and maintaining them's going to cost a bomb of course but... well, it's worth it right?"

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#264: Not A Drop To Drink [Vincon; ed: Kandarin]

The Issue
@@NAME@@ has been hit with the worst drought in a hundred years; as a result thirsty citizens and a growing number of brown lawns are pleading for a government response.

The Debate
1. "We have no choice but to ration water," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Chief of the @@CAPITAL@@ Department of Public Works. "We can't afford to let what little water we have slip through our fingers. We must clamp down on how much water each person is allowed to use. If our more wasteful citizens complain because they'll have to actually think about how much water they pour down the drain, all the better for the rest of us."

[2]. "You think too small," sighs Foreign Secretary @@RANDOM_NAME@@, between sips from a sparkling bottle of gourmet dihydrogen monoxide. "@@NAME@@ may be short on water, but the rest of @@REGION@@ has water to spare! Why not just import the water from abroad? Sure, it'll cost money, but what's worth more to the people of @@NAME@@, a little tax money or their most basic physical needs? Our neighbors wouldn't dream of cutting off the water, right?" [Must not have an autark economy]

3. "This drought is a warning sign sent by our Creator!" shouts a strangely familiar-looking man who has just walked in from the desert clad in camel hair and sandals. "If this nation will only turn from its wicked ways and hearken unto our God, surely He shall grace us with water once more!"

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#265: To Bail or Not to Bail? [Niryuugoku; ed: Glen-Rhodes]

The Issue
A recent severe crash in the stock market of @@NAME@@ and a plummet of the value of the @@CURRENCY@@ has brought the issue of government bailouts to the forefront of the national agenda.

The Debate
1. "We need to do something now! The people's welfare -- not to mention all my side businesses -- are in serious danger!" screams your finance minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We need an extensive support program for the businesses that make our country great, otherwise we might as well join ranks with those... third-world countries," he shudders. "Never mind that all the businesses on this list are owned by my relatives!"

2. "You're talking about doing what!?" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a noted fiscal conservative and libertarian scholar. "Government bailouts won't solve anything. They'll only redistribute wealth to those the government happens to favor at that particular moment, while placing a crushing burden onto everybody else. The government must instead cut taxes across the board and axe all unnecessary social programs, particularly our welfare system."

3. "This brings up an interesting point," remarks socialist author @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Why do we allow businesses to become "too big to fail?" The solution, surely, is to break up businesses before they reach such a size that they threaten our economy. Imagine it: community-based businesses, run for the benefit of the little people, not faceless, money-grubbing investment banks! Is there really a reason corporations need to be big?"

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#266: Easter Egg: Breaching the Great Fourth Wall of @@NAME@@ [Reploid Productions; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
After the recent eXtra-Kinetocam Cartographic Digital satellite survey revealed that @@NAME@@ is a surprisingly tiny section of land on a peninsula of a much larger continent, expeditions sent to explore these new lands have found a wide assortment other landmasses- all with new cultures and foreign civilizations. Of course, now people are wondering what to do with... or about... their newly-discovered neighbors.

The Debate
1. "Isn't it obvious? We must establish contact and trade with these other countries!" the CEO of one of the major mining companies notes happily, gesturing toward the XKCD survey map with a laser pointer. "The land claimed by Stalclaft is noted to contain a particular gaseous resource that could prove profitable for us! Never mind the report also says that the place is a war zone!"

2. "Are you insane? We're completely and totally vulnerable to attack!" declares General @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while flailing at the new world map in a dramatic fashion. "We know nothing about these civilizations, what their intentions are, what they're capable of! Look at how massive that Cea-Dicee is, just to the south of us! What little we do know about them implies that they have SPACESHIPS! We need to strengthen our military to protect against these threats at all costs!"

3. "Don't mind the paranoid ravings of the General there." Noted scholar @@RANDOM_NAME@@ states calmly, while tapping a spot on the map just offshore to the northeast of the peninsula. "We're simply expanding our understanding of the world and where we fit in it. The report says that the ancient ruins of Subspais are on the seafloor here, and I think it would be a most worthy endeavor to study them. It won't be cheap, but knowledge is the greatest resource we can have! As the saying goes, knowledge is power!"

4. "This hippie professor doesn't get it." Admiral @@RANDOM_NAME@@ scoffs. "We have an opportunity here! For instance, this island of Uoeq to the west of us. They'd never see us coming; after establishing forward bases there, we could easily begin a campaign against Cea-Dicee and take their land and technology for ourselves! With that turned into a colony of @@NAME@@, the island of Sekonlif would fall easily, and we could seize Stalclaft's precious gas. Just imagine, eventually the entire continent could be under our control... or rather, YOUR control."

5. "Don't believe these lies for a minute!" Notorious and arguably very crazy conspiracy theorist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ quickly unrolls a chart over the XKCD survey map before giving you what looks like a hat made of tinfoil. "These 'new lands' are all part of a conspiracy by the evil alien Bunny-Knights of Violet! I have evidence here that proves that these bunnies from space want us to THINK there are lands beyond what we already know. It's quite clear that this map is completely phony and that if we fall for it, we feed them our delicious mind-carrots! Forget this map of lies @@LEADER@@, for the sake of our mind-carrots!

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#267: Controversial Coup Causes Commotion [Sedgistan; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
A coup in a neighbouring country has seen a mercenary force led by retired @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ general @@RANDOM_NAME@@ take charge of the peaceful backwater, purging the opposition, and suppressing freedoms. Despite the new leader making a dubious promise to hold elections, the government in exile is demanding that @@NAME@@ takes action.

The Debate
1. "THIS IS A DISGRACE", bellows Brigadier General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, scattering plastic soldiers over the floor. "This traitor must be overthrown! Gather together our forces and sweep the tyrant from power. While we're at it, @@NAME@@ could do with some more tanks - you never know when the next coup might be."

2. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a junior official, puts down "Diplomacy for Dummies" and pipes up. "The best method of solving problems is talking. Send the new regime a strongly worded letter of protest and encourage them to negotiate. On a similar note, perhaps you could go out with your family for a meal tonight. You've been spending far too much time sorting out this nation's issues lately."

[3]. Noted realist and tabloid columnist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ disagrees. "We should give this new regime a chance. After all, they now control a sizeable economy, and they need weapons - we could offer to recognise the new government if they agreed to buy arms from us. Also, I couldn't help but notice some protesters outside your office. We wouldn't want a coup happening here - everyone would feel safer if they were moved on." [Must not have autarky]

4. "I don't see what the problem is", a voice strangely like your own whispers in your ear. Your twin, standing far too close for comfort, continues, "this has given me a great idea - why not just declare yourself supreme leader of @@NAME@@? After all, the people do love you so very much."

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#268: Don't Want Your Kid Anymore? Good News! [Aligeretha; ed: Glen-Rhodes]

The Issue
A recent "accidental" change in @@NAME@@'s child abandonment law has made it easier to drop unwanted children off at hospitals, orphanages, and even military bases. The deluge of abandoned babies has begun to ravage @@NAME@@'s welfare personnel, and consequently the welfare budget. Overworked social workers, understaffed military branches, and a group of angry women are at your door, demanding that action be taken.

The Debate
*1. "This is insane!" says social worker @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, struggling to hold three babies in her lap. "Whose smart idea was it to allow mothers to simply drop off their newborns like last night's stale pizza? These guys over at the capitol don't know how much work it takes to get these kids into the system and to take care of them, let alone how difficult it is to actually get them adopted! We simply can't do it. If this keeps up, don't be surprised if those babies sit in drop-boxes for days or forever." After handing over a baby to you, the social worker gives one final piece of advice, "Parents needs to accept the responsibility if they choose to have unprotected sex. It's not the state's job to raise children. At least, it shouldn't be. Until these types of laws are repealed, enjoy the baby!" [Must not have Vat-grown babies]

*2. "This is insane!" says social worker @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, struggling to hold three babies in her lap. "Whose smart idea was it to allow mothers to simply drop off their newborns like last night's stale pizza? These guys over at the Capitol don't know how much work it takes to get these kids into the system and to take care of them, let alone how difficult it is to actually get them adopted! We simply can't do it. If this keeps up, don't be surprised if those babies sit in drop-boxes for days or forever." After handing over a baby to you, the social worker gives one final piece of advice. "Parents need to accept responsibility. It's not the state's job to raise children. At least, it shouldn't be. Until these types of laws are repealed, enjoy the baby!" [Must have Vat-grown babies]

3. "A woman ought to have the right to choose if she wants to be a mother!" asserts Norma Roe, a long-time women's rights activist. "It's all a matter of privacy. The government shouldn't have a say in our life, shouldn't be telling us that we have to live like this, raise children like that, or devote our entire life to something we never wanted in the first place. Has anybody stopped to think that maybe it's better for the child that they aren't raised by unprepared, unwilling mothers? Give that a thought and get back to me, why don't you?"

4. "This is great!" says General @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These abandoned kids are just what the @@NAME@@ Armed Forces need. Our current personnel level is pitiful. I doubt we could defend a supermarket! If we take these unwanted rug-rats, teach them the ways of warfare, we could be spittin' out super-soldiers in no time! Just imagine. Our military would be the envy of the world!"

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#269: Stop The Presses! [Lenyo; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
It has been revealed that many of @@NAME@@'s newspapers are deep in red ink. Opinions are divided on whether or not the government should intervene.

The Debate
1. "There is no real problem here," says noted economist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If newspapers are no longer selling, they shouldn't exist in a free market economy; let capitalism take its course. Who cares if a few newspapers go under? Besides, it's probably good for the digital industry, right?"

2. "You can't just allow the newspaper industry to die!" panics newspaper editor @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We are the core of our nation's news media! Where will the talk shows, internet news sites, and other media outlets get their stories from? We're their sources after all! @@NAME@@ needs newspapers to inform the populace! Just allow us to be exempt from taxation and I'm sure we will recover. After all, quality news is worth the price!"

[3]. "Why bother subsidising when we can go all out and take back control of the media!" muses one of your innumerable advisors. "Newspapers are full of sensationalised, makey-uppy events designed to sell more papers and they ignore what really matters - like what we the Government are doing for the people! As a bonus, there'd be no need for newspapers and stations to compete with each other, and job losses would be at a minimum, so everyone'll be happy." [Must not have State Press]

4. "Yu'r not attacking the problem," states elderly gentleman Woody Cane. "Newspapers will never be able t' compete with them internets. All you've got t'do is shut them newfangled things down. Problem solved!"

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#270: Space Spectacular Sours Small Stargazers [Luna Amore; ed: Frisbeeteria]

The Issue
After the recent, well publicized collision of the comet Maxima with Mars, the National Association of Adolescent Astronomers has demanded a meeting with you over the national curfew requiring all minors to be in their houses by sundown.

The Debate
1. "It's outrageous!" screams NAAA President @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "How are we supposed to study the night sky if our own government won't let us stay out past six? Do you know how many other astronomical wonders we've missed because we aren't old enough? This curfew is suffocating our sense of wonder and stifling our curiosity. Is that what you want, @@LEADER@@, a nation of un-inquisitive drones? You must see reason and repeal this curfew."

2. "You aren't seriously considering this, are you?" asks @@CAPITAL@@'s Chief of Police @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Since we implemented this curfew, youth-related crime has dropped 70%! What other government intervention has that kind of success rate? The elderly can once again take evening strolls without fear of being mugged by teenage hooligans. Mailboxes stand majestically unmolested. Look, I'm sorry these rapscallions can't look at supernovas and what not, but the numbers don't lie. If a few extra-curricular activities have to suffer to make @@NAME@@'s streets safer, then so be it."

3. "Now, now, surely the two sides can strike some sort of compromise," says noted radio talk show host @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Considering the statistics, you can't repeal the curfew altogether, but these kids raise a good point: the current curfew is far too draconian. What you should do is establish an official channel for minors to request permission to stay out after dark. That way teenagers – who have legitimate reasons – can be out after dark, and @@NAME@@'s crime rate won't suffer. Quite an elegant solution if I do say so myself. True, it will require a slight tax increase, but you can't please everyone."

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#271: Vigilantes: Heroes Or Hoodlums? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Your evening supper was disrupted recently when a spandex-clad man wearing a mask left a hitherto untouchable mob boss on the High Court's doorstep before disappearing once more into the night. While some have welcomed the assistance of 'the Dogman', others are fearful of what consequences supporting vigilantism could bring.

The Debate
*1. "He did WHAT?" shouts over-zealous police officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The Dogman is a menace to society and an insult to the police. Vigilantism should not be tolerated, and the police should have the right to track these people down and throw them in jail. We'll show others like him that the law cannot be taken into their own hands." [Must have prisons]

*2. "He did WHAT?" shouts over-zealous police officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The Dogman is a menace to society and an insult to the police. Vigilantism should not be tolerated, and the police should have the right to track these people down and force them into therapy to cure their infantile power fantasies. We'll show others like him that the law cannot be taken into their own hands." [Must not have prisons]

3. "I agree, but we're forgetting the bigger issue," says Police Chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "It's embarrassing really. This guy who's probably had no police training managed to catch a criminal that some of us in the force have spent ten years trying to bring down. This whole incident clearly shows us that the police force needs new training and equipment. I'm sure that our citizens wouldn't mind paying a little more to feel safer on the streets."

*4&5. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, avid contributor to the magazine Anarchist Monthly, presents a different opinion. "The last thing we need is more police. In fact, I think the people would be better off with more heroes like the Dogman. Let's face it. The police are known for corruption and brutality. Let the people take the law into their own hands, and we'll have a utopia where issues are settled without fascist pigs telling us what we can and can't do! It'll be perfect, trust me." [4: Guns are legal | 5: Guns are illegal]

6. "You all have the wrong idea," says Graphite Lad, wearing a slender yellow spandex suit and eraser helmet. "We can't dismiss the fact that the Dogman did us and our city a great service. That's not something we should put him in jail for. In fact, I think the government should pay vigilante heroes for their noble deeds."

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#272: Slow Down, You're Going Too Fast [Frisbeeteria; ed: Frisbeeteria]

The Issue
Following fatality reports from several high-speed, multi-car accidents, concerned safety advocates are asking that national speed limits be reinstated.

The Debate
1. "Lives are being lost, and for what?" shouts author of "The Road Worrier" @@RANDOM_NAME@@ at a rally in front of Police Headquarters. "So that juveniles-at-heart can satisfy their need for speed? Enough already! The rest of us want our children safe. Reinstate the speed limits, and while we're at it, raise the license age to 25. There's no need for adolescents to foul our highways. They can ride the bus."

2. "The problem isn't cars, it's drivers", states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, founder and spokesperson of @@NAME@@ Automation Industries. "Remove the human being from the equation, and modern vehicles can be driven at high speed entirely by computer! All we need is some research and retooling money, and a bit of infrastructure assistance to add drive-by-wire nodes to the highways. Not only will we make our own highways safer, we'll boost @@NAME@@'s automotive exports through the roof!"

3. "Cars are only a part of the problem," argues transit advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@, assembling a toy train set on your desktop. "Trucks and busses are just as deadly. We need to shift entirely to railroads and get rid of cars AND trucks – hi-speed trains between cities, light rail to the suburbs, monorails and trolleys in town. We can dump those old speed limit laws - people won't get run over if they stay off the tracks! So what if a few industrial complexes have to relocate or close? It's for the greater good!"

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#273: Is Our Children Learning? [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
When a relatively minor official in your government vowed to increase the standard of education in @@NAME@@, the press came knocking on your door to ask how this might actually be done.

The Debate
1. "It's all a question of money," says veteran teacher @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "If we really care about education, we'll make it our number one priority. Double the education budget, halve the teacher-student ratio, and make sure every teacher has a master's degree in education. After all, the children are our future."

2. "As much as I'd like to have more money, it's really a question of most of the faculty belonging to one of the most powerful unions in the whole of @@NAME@@ that stops this school from being great," says Principal @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I can't discover which teachers are good and reward them for their excellent work, nor fire the useless ones. Destroying teachers' unions is perhaps the most important thing we could do. "

*[3]. "I think specialization is the way to go," says your defense minister, standing arm in arm with a bishop of @@FAITH@@ and @@NAME@@'s top CEO. "Specialization lets each focus on what they're truly good at, and I'm sure that religious institutions, the military, and private companies would fork out a bit to train up the next generation, so we could save on taxes too." [Must have private industry AND Must not be atheist]

*[4]. "I think specialization is the way to go," says your defense minister, standing arm in arm with a bishop of @@FAITH@@ and @@NAME@@'s humblest farmer. "Specialization lets each focus on what they're truly good at, and I'm sure that religious institutions, the military, and farming collectives will contribute to train up the next generation, so we could save on government spending too." [Must not have private industry AND Must not be atheist]

**5. "As we've proven in the past, the free market can manage this far better than the public sector," says market-analyst @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Now, I'm not saying that the state shouldn't help people go to school - far from it. Still, schools need greater freedom to maximize learnedness: to set their own tuition, salaries, curricula, etc. Give private schools a small government subsidy, and let the free market take its course. So what if a few poor kids drop out earlier? You can't make omelets without breaking a few eggs." [Must have private industry]

**6. "Looks to me like this is more proof that @@NAME@@'s rejection of free-market economics is denying students the education they need and deserve," says market-analyst @@RANDONNAME@@. "Now, I'm not saying that the state shouldn't help people go to school - far from it. What I'm saying is that you need to allow private schools and reinstate the capitalist systems that allow for these businesses to operate privately. This social equality experiment has failed the nation's children, and it's time to offer them a better way." [Must not have private industry]

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#274: Brotherly Love - A Bit Too Close to Home? [Afforess; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
A brother and sister, Jack and Jill, went to apply for a marriage license today, causing a stir among the populace and many media outlets.

The Debate
1. "We just want to get married!" Jill yells to a nearby reporter. "What exactly is wrong with a brother and a sister getting married? Who are we hurting?!" adds Jack, defensively. "The government should just butt out of marriage. It's not their business who or what we marry."

2. "M-m-married?!" stammers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of @@FAITH@@. "You want to desecrate the most holy and sacred union of marriage by allowing SIBLINGS to marry each other? Are you mad?! Those who are related must be forbidden from even loving each other, let alone marriage - it's shameful! They should be punished for this abomination! Oh, and while we're at it, we should ensure that every marriage is regulated by @@FAITH@@. Just in case something this sinful should ever come up again, of course." [Religiousness above approx. 5.0]

3. Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a fertility expert chimes in. "No, no, definitely not! Marriage leads to kids and d'you know what happens when inbreeding is allowed?! The children are born with five heads! Yes, five heads, always! We should encourage people, maybe with a monetary incentive, to marry those who are as distantly related as possible!"

4&6. "Duuude, marriage is like totally outdated", says a hippie, wearing a multi-colored robe and in need of a wash. "They're like, restrictive and they bring down the vibe, man. Why put people in a box? Ban marriage, and let us roam free and we can all be brothers and sisters! It's what's nature wanted!" [4: Must have private industry | 6: Must not have private industry]

5&7. "This was bound to happen sometime," sighs an advisor from behind your chair. "We give these people a huge amount of freedom and they do this. It just shows that you can't trust them with their own lives, they'll just muck it up! I think it's time that we take such trivial matters out of their hands as they obviously can't deal with it. Maybe from now on the government should tell you who to marry?" [5: Must have private industry | 7: Must not have private industry]

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#275: Wiki Worries [Maurepas; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
State department officials are in an uproar over the leaking of key government cables by the website WikiSpills. The site's owner, under the nom de plume "El Denunciante," is operating from an anonymous location in neighboring Bigtopia, where the government can't reach him. @@NAME@@'s leaders are sharply divided on how to respond.

The Debate
1. "This man has done no wrong!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who also happens to be the head writer of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times Magazine. "The people have a right to transparency of government. El Denunciante is a hero who has revolutionized my magazine sale-er-Freedom of Speech for this country. No state action must be committed that would infringe upon our right to disclose government information, regardless of the effects on diplomatic relations. Besides, it isn't as though you've got anything to hide…do you?"

2. "El Denunciante is a terrorist and has committed treason," argues reactionary talk radio host @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The fact is, he has consistently presented an anti-@@NAME@@ agenda, and people like him need to be stopped from propagandizing their filth. What we need is to block this website and any others which threaten the security of this great nation. Like those opposition party blogs that keep popping up! I mean, what use is personal freedom if you don't have security and peace of mind?"

3. "This seems like a lot of needless work, if you ask me," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your brother-in-law, while enjoying a foul-smelling beverage in your office. "Why should the people get to discuss you and your government anyway? Seems to me things would be much easier if you just told them what their opinion was and blocked out all others. After all, who knows what's best for them better than you, am I right? Cheers!"

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:54 am

#276: Circus Clowns Cause Chaos! [Sanctaria; ed: Maurepas]

The Issue
Rather than finding them funny, a recent survey shows that most children are actually afraid of clowns. The public is demanding that you do something to stop these terrifying menaces.

The Debate
1. "Kill them! Kill them all! Or… you know, just ban them", opines noted sociologist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Better yet, why not ban all circuses from @@NAME@@! Think about it, they're distracting children from what's important in life; namely, doing well in school, getting a job and contributing to the economy. That's what's important here!"

2. "Banning clowns is a little extreme, if you ask me", inputs your Minister for Culture, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I think what we need to do is educate children about what clowns actually do. Tell them they aren't scary and that what they do is actually beneficial! After all, happy kids are less likely to go down the path of crime, which means less spending goes to the police and more funds can be diverted to somewhere important – like my Department!"

3. "It's not always about the kids", mumbles a red-nosed man in the corner. "Think of us clowns! We have to put up with the kids screaming, and shouting and hurling things at us. How would you feel if you were dressed up like a fool and paraded in front of 8 year olds! The Government needs to create a program to treat us clowns for depression – you don't know what it's like, man. You weren't there!"

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#277: Say Cheese! [Crazy girl; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
After a tabloid newspaper printed a photograph of you picking your nose in a restaurant, the government is considering introducing guidelines for journalists wishing to take pictures of you.

The Debate
1. "Whatever happened to freedom of press?" asks paparazzo @@RANDOM_NAME@@, indignantly. "Why aren't you allowing honest, hardworking people like myself to do our jobs? If our beloved leader slips on a banana peel, that's big news on the level of national security! We must be allowed to take pictures of you whenever we want, wherever we want! Oh, and any comment on the rumors you had a one-night stand with your nei..." The question is cut off as a horde of journalists crowd in to ask questions.

2. The Minister of Press Relations, who is coincidentally your neighbor, agrees that your privacy needs to be protected. "That photograph was clearly an intrusion on your right to privacy. However, we can compromise and give the media 'authorized photo moments'. It's perfect. You get to keep your privacy, and on special occasions, photographers are allowed to take pictures and ask questions. Of course, anyone who disrespects this media code will have their privileges revoked."

3. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your overly-attentive aide, grins. "I like that idea, but it doesn't go nearly far enough. How about we control exactly what the media can and cannot publish? That way, we can make the citizens adore you and your skeletons stay hidden in the closet."

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#278: Relief is Coming... in Four to Six Weeks [Luna Amore; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
A hurricane recently devastated island chains under the aegis of @@NAME@@, causing billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in damage and displacing millions of citizens. The national emergency services are doing their best to meet the needs of the crisis, but with the recent airplane ban, relief is taking much longer to come to those affected. The national emergency services are doing their best to meet the needs of the crisis, but with the recent airplane ban, relief is taking much longer to come to those affected.

The Debate
1. "My house is gone, my neighborhood flooded, where's my government?" shouts disgruntled evacuee @@RANDOM_NAME@@ over the phone. "These islands are a thousand miles off the coast. We'll be waiting weeks for what limited resources our emergency services can provide with the few ships they have. I'll be lucky if I get a bottle of water. It's clear to me that the government didn't give a second thought to all the ramifications of banning airplanes, and now we, the citizens, are paying for it! If you have any compassion for the well-being of your people, you'll legalize air travel again and send help toot sweet!"

2. "Take a deep breath, @@LEADER@@," advises your Minister of the Environment @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "You smell that? That's clean air. And when was the last time you read about a terrorist taking over an airliner? Oh that's right; there hasn't been one since the ban. If anything, we should have stricter environmental standards on cars and ships. Listen, it's unfortunate that these people are having their relief delayed, but maybe that'll motivate them to adequately prepare next time. They decided to live in a hurricane zone after all."

3. "Obviously, we goofed," says your Minister of Transportation @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "These sorts of humanitarian mess-ups shouldn't happen. But we shouldn't be willing to sacrifice all the benefits of the ban either. We should legalize air travel for government use only. That way necessary services won't be delayed, but we won't wreck our environment or endanger our nation. As an added bonus, you'll be able to go to international conferences without having to drive across the border to use Maxtopia's airports first."

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#279: A Vat Lot Of Trouble [Luna Amore; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
A major contamination of @@NAME@@'s Citizen Creation Vats has caused millions of your newest citizens to be 'born' with severe mental illnesses. An emergency meeting of your top Ministers has been called to decide what to do about the issue.

The Debate
1. "It's obvious what must be done," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister for Artificial Citizens, "we must regrow new brains for the lot of them. It'll cost a fortune, but it's our duty as their leaders. It's our fault these citizens are suffering; so naturally, we must do all we can to fix the problem. What other option is there? Think of your citizens."

2. "Are you insane?" asks your Public Relations Coordinator "–er ahem, but think of the money! It would cost billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to regrow and transplant that many brains. Mark my words, if you give them new brains, you'll have a coup on your hands for sending our economy into a tailspin. No. No. Absolutely not. We must," he leans in with a pained look, "ship these 'defectives' off to a secluded island somewhere, so we can forget they ever existed."

3. An old man on the street who has been jabbing at you through the window with his cane chimes in, "The solution is plain as day you doddering fools! These vats must be closed immediately and the technology banned! They're unnatural abominations! You know how I came into this world? Kicking and screaming from the loins of my mother! The government must allow people to have sex again and give birth the way God intended!" [Validity TBD, No Marriage?]

*4. An old man on the street who has been jabbing at you through the window with his cane chimes in, "The solution is plain as day you doddering fools! These vats must be closed immediately and the technology banned! They're unnatural abominations! You know how I came into this world? Kicking and screaming from the loins of my mother! The government must allow people to have sex again and give birth the way God intended!" [Validity TBD, Permanent Marriage?]

**5. "Oh no no no, we've invested too much money into the national vat system to throw it all away over one minor incident," stresses your Financial Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Look at the situation from a resource standpoint. This batch of resources is damaged, so naturally, the most economical solution is to remove the damaged products, dispose of them, and recycle the functional parts back into the vats. We must reduce, reuse and recycle, @@LEADER@@, for the good of our national vats – and for the good of @@NAME@@, of course." [Validity TBD]

**6. "Oh no no no, we've invested too much money into the national vat system to throw it all away over one minor incident," stresses your Financial Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Look at the situation from a resource standpoint. This batch of resources is damaged, so naturally, the most economical solution is to remove the damaged products, dispose of them, and recycle the functional parts back into the vats. We must reduce, reuse and recycle, @@LEADER@@, for the good of our national vats – and for the good of @@NAME@@, of course." [Validity TBD]

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#280: Oh the Humanity! [Prevania; ed: Reploid Productions]

The Issue
During a recent severe storm, the airship @@NAME_INITIALS@@AS-Hiddenburg caught fire and ended up making a crash landing in @@CAPITAL@@. Everyone on board as well as several hundred people on the ground were killed in the resulting inferno. Reporter Herb Morris' incredible live coverage of the disaster and the media circus surrounding the safety of such vessels has people looking to the government for solutions.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, apparent spokesperson for the families of the victims gasps out between sobs, "The only reason this happened is the government has turned a blind eye to the dangers of these vehicles! The solution is obvious, pass and rigidly enforce safety regulations on dangerous industries! Oh, and make the owners of these companies financially liable to the families. I mean, I lost my dad after all, I deserve a little bit of compensation."

2. "Really now, airships safely make these trips on a routine basis! These people are looking at a tiny mishap and not the bigger picture!" claims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of Airship Enterprises, the company that operates airships like the crashed @@NAME_INITIALS@@AS-Hiddenburg. "If anything, the government should be supporting the industry through this tragedy! You know, 'encouraging' people to use airships so that they learn just how safe they really are!"

3. "Tiny mishap? TINY MISHAP?" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, author of the controversial bestseller 'Corporations Are Bad, Really Really Bad.' "Hundreds of people dead, millions if not billions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in damage to buildings downtown, and these industry goons are trying to just shrug and tell the rest of us 'Oopsie,' and buy their way out of trouble?! They have a huge debt to the society they've harmed, make them work in the trauma centers and see first-hand what they've done!"

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#281: Free Internet For @@NAME@@? [Solisbury; ed: Sirocco, Sedgistan & Luna Amore]

The Issue
After receiving four-digit internet bills, the people of @@NAME@@ are demanding that a free internet service be made available by the government.

The Debate
1. "The only way to ensure internet neutrality in @@NAME@@ is to place the internet under government control," opines @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Minister of Telecommunications. "My ministry has been trying to reel in the unfair practices of these companies for ages, and now public sentiment is on our side. With an internet free of 'premium access' and content discrimination, @@NAME@@ will be the envy of @@REGION@@. Unfortunately, since providing free access would be enormously expensive, we'll have to increase taxes slightly... but isn't that a small price to pay?"

2. High school principal @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says, "The last time I checked, one of the purposes of the @@NAME@@ government was to provide a decent education for our children. More and more students are turning to online services as a way to accelerate their schooling. Online courses offer a wide range of education in academics and work-related skills. But not all my students have the internet, and there's certainly no commercial incentive to lay down lines in farmland. The government needs to step in and provide a free internet for these students. Invest in our future!"

3. "Oh, for the love of Violet..." bemoans conservative columnist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The government has proven time and time again that it destroys everything it touches. Do you want your internet to be slow? Do you want to be taxed up the wazoo, thanks to government inefficiency? I sure don't. Just let the market handle this for once. While you're at it, take the money you would have used on this worthless endeavour and give your citizens a well-deserved tax refund instead."

4. "Considering the absurd regulations we have to put up with, it's no wonder we have to charge so much for our internet service," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of @@NAME@@ Speedy Internet Co. "Safety guidelines, minimum access mandates. If the government would get rid of all these regulations, we could lay down lines for less @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@, and pass the savings down to the consumers. This problem isn't our fault: it's yours."

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#282: Slum Village Extraordinaire [Foxopolis; ed: Dustistan]

The Issue
After the growing shanty-towns on the outskirts of @@CAPITAL@@ were featured in an issue of "Regional Geographic", domestic and international sources have been loudly insisting that something must be done.

The Debate
1. "Obviously, the current welfare system isn't generous enough," says mother-of-six @@RANDOM_NAME@@, counting out beans from the bottom of a can. "I have to support my whole family with just a few @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ a week! It's no wonder there are so many homeless all over. Welfare spending has to increase! And radically! Oh, some people might abuse it, but only a few!"

2. "That's just foolish!" says street dweller @@RANDOM_NAME@@, fitting a clean bedsheet onto a freshly polished park bench. "Welfare payments are enough, the problem is people are too proud to claim them! Look at me -- since I swallowed my pride and registered at the welfare office, I've got more than enough @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to get cleaned up and start looking for real job. Welfare should be compulsory for anyone out of work. Give people a handout whether they ask for it or not, they'll be off the streets in no time!"

3. "I've got a better idea," says Ultramegastore CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "I'll tear down the slums and replace them with my stores. Underneath each one, I'll build a huge underground apartment complex. The former slum dwellers will live rent-free in the apartments, and work in the store. They'd be paid in Ultramegastore vouchers worth, say, half the minimum wage. The shantytowners would have steady jobs and a place to live, I'd have more locations, you'd be rid of those dreary slums. Everyone wins, right?"

4. "What a bunch of hogwash!" says paint franchise owner @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "We shouldn't give these people money, and we can't take their homes away. The solution is very simple; paint the slums! A quick coat of Vintage Lime or Tropical Sunrise will transform the look of those shanty towns, and tourists and social workers won't be offended any more. Of course, Social Policy will have to pay someone to add a fresh coat from time to time, but tell you what -- I'll cut you a deal on the paint."

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#283: Wealthy Flee to Tax-free Havens [Gior Altheriod; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s governmental revenue has been dropping sharply as the super-rich emigrate to nations with very low taxes. Faced with the prospect of massive budget shortfalls, the government must act.

The Debate
1. "Isn't it obvious?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, @@NAME@@'s most famous trillionaire, calling from a private yacht somewhere in the Pacific. "If the tax rates weren't so appallingly high, I - and others like me - would be perfectly happy to stay and contribute to the economy. A tax cut would mean taking money out of a few unimportant things like healthcare, welfare, and the environment, but it's the only way."

2. "There's no doubt we need that money to stay in the country," opines your minister of finance whilst leafing through an ominous-looking file. "But who says we need the people? If we imposed a massive charge on leaving the country - say 50% of the emigrating person's total worth - we'd rake in tons of cash and get rid of the filthy rich wasters at the same time."

3. "Why allow anyone to emigrate?" muses one of your advisers, "All citizens, from the billionaires down to unskilled laborers, are critical to our economy. If we sealed off the borders, we wouldn't risk brain drain or fleeing capital. It'd require a rise in taxes, but I think the financial security of our nation is worth it."

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#284: Drug Legality Run Amok [Kahleb Il Vilan; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After a nine-year-old child died of a heroin overdose yesterday, much of the public is in an uproar over the absence of drug laws in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "It seems simple to me," states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a left-wing television host on CSPAM network, as if it were all too obvious, "@@NAME@@ needs to regulate the drug trade immediately. Instead of letting the underprivileged waste their life selling crack cocaine on the street corner, the government should be setting up drug stores that tax each drug, as well as handing out pamphlets on their dangers. Think of the money that could further fund our nation's health and education programs!"

2. "The government shouldn't be making money from people's addictions," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a conservative congressman known for his public spouts of drunken stupor. "While we all like to get a little toasty from time to time, I believe this is a moral issue. We need to protect our children from becoming addicts! Make drug use legal only for consenting adults so our children can at least have a few years off the grass."

3. "I think we got it wrong in the first place!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@ angrily from a soapbox in front of a large crowd of protesters. "Instead of turning our great nation into a narco empire, we should be criminalizing drugs once again! Do we want our children wasting their lives away on crippling drug addictions? No! Ban all drugs immediately!"

[4]. "Also alcohol!" screams protesting teetotaler @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Hey, don't forget smoking," mutters @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from behind an oxygen mask, "They're as debilitating as the "harder" drugs, if not more so. We'll just have to work harder to shut down bootleggers and butt-leggers." [Must not have Prohibition, Smoking must be legal]

[5]. "Drugs by one name, sacred plants by another," intones His High Holiness of @@FAITH@@, daubing holy oil on your forehead. "The Church has historically used extracts of consecrated substances to open the vistas of piety and bring oneself closer to the Supreme Being. With modern pharmaceutical techniques, we can easily manufacture enough to infuse the water supply of all of @@NAME@@, just like we do with fluoride. Is spiritual transcendence a less worthy cause than cavity prevention? I think not." [Must not be atheist AND Religiousness above 3.00 - 5.00]

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#285: A Right Not to Work? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
High ranking officials and devout followers of @@FAITH@@ have requested that the government close down retail stores during the Sabbath in accordance to their religious views.

The Debate
1. "It's written in our sacred texts that our Creator took the seventh day for rest, and so should we!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a devout follower of @@FAITH@@. "To work on the Sabbath is an insult to our Creator, and I think the last thing @@NAME@@ needs is eternal damnation. Shut down all retail stores for the Sabbath! Besides, who wants to work then anyway?"

2. "I'm afraid that's not going far enough," adds @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a high-ranking official in the Synod of Zealous Religious Fanatics. "This shouldn't apply to just retail stores. Everything must be shut down! Hospitals, government agencies, police, and other emergency services. Sure, it'll be dangerous and likely cause some death, but saving our souls from eternal damnation should be our priority. @@NAME@@ must do all it can to appease the almighty Creator."

3. "You're not really going to listen to what these nutjobs are proposing, are you?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your atheist economic adviser. "Think about the damage this would cause to the economy. Isn't that more important than appeasing a few nuts? If anything, we should be requiring that all retail stores remain open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just think of all that unlimited shopping time!"

4. Slacker freelance food reviewer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, still in pajamas and eating a pizza slice on a ratty couch, sends you a video chat invitation. "Dude, why not just give everybody shorter work weeks? Make flex time, telecommuting, and 35-hour work weeks mandatory for all us working folk. Trust me, the people will love you for it man!"

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#286: A Whale of a Problem [Doom and so on; ed: Luna Amore, Glen-Rhodes]

The Issue
Following a two hour TV exposé on the growing incidence of whaling off @@NAME@@'s shores, environmentalists are up-in-arms and pressing the government to outlaw the practice.

The Debate
1. "Whales are being exploited by soulless capitalists!" screams infamous environmental activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These majestic creatures are a crucial part of the food chain. Do you have any idea what damage their extinction would cause? End this barbaric business, or have the blood of innocent creatures on your hands forever!"

2. "Whale meat is a part of our culture," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of a top-rated seafood restaurant in @@CAPITAL@@. "It's @@NAME@@'s staple food. The whaling market is booming! Half my menu is whale! A ban on whaling would destroy the entire seafood industry. Listen, the ocean is chock-full of whales – in fact, some may say there are too many whales. If anything, we should abolish any marine animal protection laws we've got left."

3. "QUOTAS!" yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your top advisors, snapping out of a stupor. "We allow whaling up to a certain quota limit. We can meet with some marine biologists and figure out a number that both maintains the whale population and allows restaurants to get their main dish. Of course, it'll require a boost in funding to the coast guard to make sure these whalers are sticking to the quota, but what's a few @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to save the whales?"

4. "It's not enough!" bellows @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the radical anti-whaling group Ocean Overseers while menacing you with a handful of rancid butter. "The government needs to allow armed intervention against these seafaring murderers! We can bring film crews along and make a reality TV show out of it! Oh, sure, some people on whaling vessels might get hurt or even killed, but that's just what people who exploit nature for money deserve!"

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#287: Maxtopians Demand Return of the King [Gior Altheriod; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
Some two hundred years after its original removal by a team of archaeologists from @@NAME@@, the Maxtopian government is demanding that the mummy of ancient monarch King Maxbari IV, currently on display at the @@NAME@@ National Museum of Antiquities, be returned to its homeland.

The Debate
1. "Maxbari IV was the greatest king of Ancient Maxtopia," says Maxtopian Ambassador @@RANDOM_NAME@@, presenting you with a copy of 'Ancient Maxtopian History for Dummies'. "His importance to our cultural heritage cannot be underestimated! It is a disgrace that his body was ever stolen in the first place. By rights, the remains ought to be returned to their rightful owner. While we're at it, how about returning that collection of Third Kingdom golden tiddlywinks too?"

2. "Their cultural heritage? What about OUR cultural heritage?" demands @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the Imperial @@NAME@@ Historical Society, waving a worryingly convincing replica battle axe. "The foreign artifacts filling our museums are vital trophies of our imperial history! Our archaeologists went through hell and high water to get that treasure, and it'd be an insult to their glorious memory to give it back! Besides, have you seen the state of Maxtopia's 'museums'? The king would be destroyed in a week."

3. "Am I the only one here the was taught to share as a child?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Foreign Minister. "We want him, they want him... well, there's enough of him to go around. Let's King Solomon this bad boy! Cut him in half from head to toe, slap each half on a mirror, and like magic, there's two King Whathisnames! Everybody walks away happy."

4. "Where does it end?" asks a notoriously crotchety old man. "We give these foreigners their king back and before you know it people will be coming out of the woodwork demanding their relics back." He pauses to hack something up into a handkerchief. "What we need to do is send a message. A message that will stop anyone else from asking for their artifacts back. We need to publicly destroy the king to let Maxtopia know we won't take any of their guff!"

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#288: Super-Sized Pizzas Recipe For Disaster? [New Ziedrich; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
Papa Pallocci's Pizza Pagoda, @@NAME@@'s top pizza delivery chain, has unveiled a new "Leviathan Size" deep-dish pizza. Citizens and health experts alike have come to you raising concerns over the health implications of this new pizza.

The Debate
1. "This is a public health travesty," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a noted nutrition expert. "There is just no sensible reason for a pizza this big to exist! It encourages overeating which leads to obesity and all of the illnesses that go with it! It's clear that these companies aren't going to do the right thing without prodding. Obviously, the government needs to ban this greasy filth and make restaurants include nutritional information on all of their menu items!"

2. "But the temptation – the temptation is still there!" cries morbidly obese health advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "For years, I ate every kind of junk food imaginable. Just look at me now! Doctors tell me I've shaved twenty years off my life at least. This food is deadly, and we shouldn't tolerate it any more! All fast food restaurants should be banned, and their owners forced to pay reparations to their victims."

3. "That's preposterous!" replies @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Head of Papa Pallocci's Public Relations division. "Our food is among the healthiest in @@NAME@@! We offer an array of fresh veggies and the finest of meats. These radicals are calling for the government to intervene, but is it really the government's job to babysit our customers like that? They're big boys and girls, and it should be up to them to decide what they want to eat! They want pizza, so let them have pizza!"

4. "Hey, man. I have an idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an aging hippie, barely suppressing a giggle. "This is all about healthy food, right? My bros and I were thinking about selling this pizza with locally grown organic ingredients and whole grains and stuff, right? It'd be good for you AND the planet, man. The only snag is we're a little short on start-up moolah. The government should totally, like, give us money to open our chain. We'd really appreciate it. Yeah, you'd need a tax hike to pay for it, but we'd totally save the world – with pizza, man!"

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#289: Blizzards Serve Calls Cold, Says Mayor [Unibot II; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
For the past week, the small community of Greenville in Northern @@NAME@@ has been plagued with an unexpected blizzard. With citizens stranded in their homes without electricity, the township is urging you to evaluate communication priorities.

The Debate
1. "Without electricity we're struggling to get our message out to our residents," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Mayor of Greenville. "The ban on cold-calling is preventing us from calling our residents to make sure they're ok. Cold-calling should be allowed if the caller isn't trying to sell the receiver anything; that'll allow us to do our job and charities could campaign for donations to help with the relief effort. I'm sure residents won't mind all of the extra calls."

2. "That ain't going far enough!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Papa Pallocci's Pizza Pagoda franchisee in Greenville. "People, especially seniors, are stranded in their homes without food and have no idea that we're still open! This snowstorm hasn't slowed our deliverymen down one bit; I've just purchased an entire new fleet of snowmobiles. We need to inform these unfortunate people of our services or else they'll starve! I urge you, for the well-being of your own people, remove the old ban on cold-calling altogether!"

3. "NO! NO! AND NO!" screams concerned resident @@RANDOM_NAME@@ down through the telephone. "Us average folks have been perfectly happy without that darned cold-calling and all of those other evening interruptions. Besides, people are so careless and unprepared these days; it's their own fault they didn't buy a generator and an emergency radio. I say NO to cold calling and I hope this storm will teach those fluffies to stop relying on charities and the government teat!"

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#290: Wheels of Misfortune [New Ziedrich; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
In recent weeks, there has been growing concern over the quality of automobiles made in @@NAME@@. Representatives from all sides have gathered in your office and are asking you to make a decision.

The Debate
1. "This is ridiculous!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairperson of the Association of Scorned Shoppers, while frantically waving a stack of papers. "Some of these stories are just obscene! We've got water pumps ceasing at 12,000 kilometers, airbags not deploying in accidents, and this one guy's gas tank just fell off! I can't make this stuff up! Our auto industry has gotten lazy and corrupt and is in desperate need of stronger regulation!"

2. "I've never heard such nonsense!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an executive representing @@NAME@@'s largest automaker. "Our cars are perfectly fine! These allegations are completely baseless. Thing is, these proposed regulations are going to make us uncompetitive. Is this what you want? Foreign cars clogging our streets while our factories close down? Get rid of some of the regulations we have now, so we can do our jobs! While you're at it, a government subsidy would safeguard domestic auto manufacturing ..."

3. "What is this? Subsidies? Deregulation? Lies, all of it!" shouts prominent communist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, sporting a practical yet stylish red beret. "These companies, they're always willing to sell their ethics for a quick @@CURRENCY@@! They always cut corners for a little extra profit, and look where it's gotten us! You want to make good cars, cars the people can be proud of? Have the people take control of the car companies! If we remove the profit motive, @@NAME@@ can finally produce quality vehicles, without wasteful bourgeois stuff like chrome wheels, air conditioning, and reclining seats!"

4. A wheelchair-bound man wearing a bicycle helmet on his head, plaster casts on his legs, and an irate expression on his face rolls himself into your office. "Hey, I got somethin' to say," he growls as he deliberately bumps into your desk. "You and your government have been playing nice with the car companies for far too long, and a lot of us cyclists are sick of it. I might have an axe to grind, but @@NAME@@ and our environment'll be better off if you just banned cars entirely. Who cares if people complain? They'll adjust."

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#291: A Question Of Sport [Dustistan; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s football fans are outraged after the nation's bid to host an important regional competition was rejected. The reason? @@NAME@@'s football fields are slightly shorter than the international standard.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the Football Association of @@NAME@@, announced in a press release, "Clearly we're disappointed by this result. It's yet more evidence of what we've been saying all along - sport in this country is severely underfunded. With more @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ from the government, we could start upgrading sporting venues across the country. This would definitely count in our favor when we submit our next bid."

[2]. "You wanna spend my tax money on what?!?" wheezes couch potato @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while flicking through sport channels. "If sporting associations need more money, why not ask for sponsorship from the private sector, like pizza chains and soda bottlers? Why should my money be used to help a bunch of good for nothing kids chase a bit of leather around?" [Must have private industry]

3. "There's nothing wrong with our stadiums!" shouts sports fan @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a crowd rattle and blowing a vuvuzela. "They're just the right size for the sports I grew up playing! Why should we change the rules of our national sport just to please a bunch of foreigners? I say we support our team! And play by our own traditional rules! We should get rid of those silly foreign sports and their 'rules'!"

4. "They rejected us because of a few feet of grass? That's crazy!" writes journalist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Sport isn't about rules, it's about having fun and getting fit! When we were kids, we could have a great time with just a stick and a couple of rocks – there were no rulebooks or standardized playing fields. We should encourage kids to get out there and have fun; who cares about a few silly rules?"

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#292: Tourists Wearing Out Their Welcome? [Virtualila; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
As tourists flock to @@NAME@@ in record numbers, some citizens have begun to complain of rowdiness and invasions of privacy from those visiting from other countries. There are calls for measures to slow the tourism industry.

The Debate
1. "This is getting a bit extreme," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing historically accurate peasant garb, down to the curly-toed shoes. "Our everyday lives are becoming spectacles for the world! I can't even trim my petunias without a dozen tourists snapping pictures of me - without my consent mind you! Our nation's first priority should be to protect its citizens. We need to start scaling back our tourism industry for the sake of our privacy."

2. "That's not going far enough!" shouts conservative extremist and rabid patriot @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These damn foreigners are corrupting our culture. They demand that we feed them their type of food, that we make accommodations for them, that... that... we change what WE are just for THEIR sake! This isn't their country. They weren't born here. They don't work their fingers to the bone for this country, and they sure as hell don't belong here! I say we chase all of these foreigners out of @@NAME@@!"

*3. "You've got to be joking" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of the Barriot hotel chain. "These tourists are bringing money in by the boatloads. Tourism is the backbone of our economy. Scale back tourism? If anything, the government should be encouraging more tourism. Open up some theme parks, advertise our world famous aged cheddar gift baskets – anything that will attract more tourists, or more importantly their wallets! With a little government funding, we could become the must-see country in @@REGION@@!" [Must have private industry]

*4. "You've got to be joking!" says Propaganda Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These tourists come here and absorb our culture and ideology, and they PAY US to do so. Tourism is the heart of the glorious socialist struggle! Scale back tourism? If anything, the government should be encouraging more tourism. Open up some theme parks, advertise our world famous aged cheddar gift baskets - anything that will attract more tourists, or as I like to call them, future fifth-columnists! With a little government funding, we could have all of @@REGION@@ visiting us!" [Must not have private industry]

[5]. "That's too short-sighted," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Population Growth. "Why should we work so hard to keep them here for a two-week vacation when we can convince them to move here instead? Think about it, we throw up some housing developments around tourist hubs, air some commercials about how easy it is to become a citizen, and BAM! we've got an influx of new, taxable citizens." [Immigration is legal]

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#293: Maestro, Please [Castle in the Sky; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A delegation from the @@NAME@@ Philharmonia has shown up in your office, underlining their petition for the renovation of the nation's concert halls with a serenade.

The Debate
1. "The once venerable concert halls of @@NAME@@ are in a sorry state," laments trombonist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, emptying the spit valve into your waste paper basket. "Some are dank, the stucco is crumbling in others, and it's raining through the backstage roof of another! In the name of culture we must restore these halls to their former glory. It's only a pittance to the national budget, but to our cultural reputation? Priceless."

*2. "These caterwauling miscreants don't deserve concert halls," insists @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a tone-deaf curmudgeon. "If they can't support their hobby, then why should we, the suffering taxpayers, prop them up? Concert halls are businesses, and businesses that can't stay afloat on their own disappear. Such is life. I say leave the whole lot to their inevitable demise." [Must have private industry]

*3. "These caterwauling miscreants don't deserve concert halls," insists @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a tone-deaf curmudgeon. "If they can't support their decadent frivolities, then why should we, the Workers, prop them up? Concert halls are imperialist and elitist, and deserve to disappear. I say leave the whole lot to their inevitable demise." [Must not have private industry]

*4. "Times are tight. I sympathize with you," consoles @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the CEO of Restorations R Us, handing you a decorative 'Hang In There' basket of goodies. "However, you need only ask, and – quick as a whip – my company will fund the construction of concert halls all across this fair country. All I ask is that we put up some advertisements in the lobbies and integrate a tasteful nod to sponsors into the programmes." [Must have private industry]

5. "The only reason to fund these musicians is if they are doing something worthwhile for their country," says Brigadier General @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I've long said that @@NAME@@'s Armed Forces would benefit greatly from a spic-and-span band in uniform. They would represent the splendor that embodies @@NAME@@ and they'd do it with pride! Of course by extension, they would be a part of the active forces and required to serve in battle if necessary. Always good to up the recruitment numbers, right?"

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#294: Ghost Riders on the Sly [Fmyeram; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
Following the passage of a well-supported bill that contained half a dozen riders, corruption watchdog groups are lobbying the government to take action against the use of these unrelated addenda in lawmaking.

The Debate
1. "This is unacceptable," says legislative clerk @@RANDOM_NAME@@, peeking out from behind a wall of 3-ring binders. "It paves the way for corruption, eats up all our time and money, and, quite frankly, is exhausting! We must require each bill to have one – clearly defined – purpose and be able to state that purpose in a concise title. That way we won't have any more defense spending bills with addenda about cheese processing regulations. The industry will hate it, but if I have to read through one more schizophrenic morass, I'll quit!"

2. "Yes, these riders can be a threat to the democratic process," begins Party Majority Leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "but to ban them outright is simply foolish. We need the ability to amend bills, and sometimes those attachments aren't always clearly connected. Therefore, I propose we grant the legislature the ability to veto any rider by a simple majority vote. That way, necessary riders can still be attached and this other tom-foolery can be nipped in the bud."

*3. "Look, this is how things have always worked," @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the CEO of Cheesemongers Unlimited, Ltd. "Representatives' time is both finite and valuable. Do you have any idea how many bills there'd be if each one could only have one aim? Legislation would come to a stand-still! Yes, it can be prone to corruption, but find me a government that's corruption free and I'll eat my shoe!" [Must have private industry]

*4. "Look, this is how things have always worked," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Chair@@MAN@@ of the Sub-Committee On Cheese Distribution. "Representatives' time is both finite and valuable. Do you have any idea how many bills there'd be if each one could only have one aim? Legislation would come to a stand-still! Yes, it can be prone to corruption, but find me a government that's corruption free and I'll eat my shoe!" [Must not have private industry]

[5]. "Can't trust the government to do anything right," scolds economic analyst @@RANDOM_NAME@@, glancing up from a worn copy of The Fountainhead. "We've given it a fair chance, it's failed, and now the private sector will have to swoop in to fix it. If you privatize the legislature, I can assure you it'll be humming efficiently and in the black by this time next year!" [Must have private industry]

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#295: Give Us Pockets or Give Us Something Else [Ferringinar; ed: Maurepas]

The Issue
Ever since the clothing ban went into effect, some citizens have been complaining that they have no place to put their car keys. A veritable parade of flesh has passed through your office to present their opinions.

The Debate
1. "I just don't have enough hands for everything I have to do," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a pizza delivery worker and former raincoat model. "Pockets are very important for keeping our keys, wallets, and loose change. Maybe you can at least let us have pants or something, just for the pockets. Besides, it's almost impossible to make change while carrying all this pizza. Please, repeal that law and let us wear clothes again."

2. "Well, I assume you banned clothing for a reason," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who overheard the conversation while emptying your trash can. "But I can appreciate the problem of not having anywhere to put your keys. At least the women have purses. Maybe you can just pay a former fashion designer to come up with a purse that looks presentable when a man carries it."

3. "That's a valid point about purses," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the new office intern. "But I'm enjoying all the naked girls running around on campus. How about you just make it legal for males to wear clothes and keep the females naked? After all, as the saying goes, the clothes make the man."

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#296: Come On Baby, Fight My Fire [Kukes; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A fire has recently ripped through @@CAPITAL@@, destroying homes and businesses alike. Now the debate rages as to who should receive the bulk of the relief fund.

The Debate
1. "The fire burned thousands of ordinary people out of house and home!" wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an affected resident, "If the government doesn't help the average Joe, then what good is it at all? We need that relief fund to repair the damages! I'm sure the fat cats in the commercial district will pitch a fit, but they're the only ones who could afford enough insurance coverage."

2. "Oh, the wasted money!" moans @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of Basket-case for Baskets. "It was storefronts and restaurants that bore the brunt of the fire, and they're the ones that need help now! Do you have any idea how flammable baskets are? If we don't get the relief we're entitled to, the economy is going to sink. And then where will these citizens be? In a rebuilt house without a job, that's where!"

3. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a noted anarchist, is appalled at the whole debate. "Relief fund? Giving money?! Now the government has to choose which social class to favor, and here's the big punch line, there is no right choice! We need to do away with the relief fund altogether, slash taxes and leave the people and businesses to rebuild without government meddling. Yes, there will be some 'I don't have any money' sob stories. Boo-freaking-hoo. It's not the government's job to bail them out because they failed to prepare. "

4. "I always said there's an opportunity in every disaster," councils @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Underhanded Affairs. "We're not doing so hot in the polls right now. This fire is only going to put more of a strain on us. Now as I remember, the good ol' Minority Leader is head of the @@CAPITAL@@ Oversight Committee. Let's shift the focus onto it being his screw up, have a trial by media and he'll be indicted by next week. The public will burn him at the stake instead of us!"

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#297: Intersex Athletes Demand Level Playing Field [Gior Altheriod; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
During the last @@NAME@@ Athletics Championship, a massive controversy arose following the revelation that double gold medalist Atlanta Johnson possesses both male and female sexual organs, despite being entirely female in external appearance.

The Debate
1. "How is this difficult to understand?" questions well-known sports commentator @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "There are sports and competitions just for men, and there are sports and competitions just for women; we don't let men run in a women's race, so what's the difference here? And if it's too difficult to decide whether the athlete is a man or woman, then we shouldn't let them compete at all! Fair is fair is fair."

2. "I think I see a solution to all this," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister for Solutions, whilst solving the crossword in your morning newspaper. "We should overhaul the entire sport system in @@NAME@@ so that people compete against each other based on skill, not gender. Sure, it might be expensive but it'd be worth it if we want everyone to be happy."

3. "We can't just stop there!" protests well-known LGBTQQIA activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We should completely overhaul @@NAME@@ itself to make it less hostile to those like Ms. Johnson! Schools, hospitals, workplaces – they'll all need to be changed! There should be public toilets catered solely for the intersex too! You can't put a price on equality!"

4. "You're not actually going to listen to that parasite, I hope?" your bald, heavily tattooed cousin says with a raised eyebrow. "You want to actually give these monsters recognition? Not only are they going to make us the laughing stock of the international community, but they, and other freaks like them, are an insult to our race. What we must do is banish such scum from @@NAME@@; their lesser blood and DNA are only an impediment to the success and dominance of our race – a master race!"

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#298: Cults: Harmless or Heretics? [Tybusenia; ed: Frisbeeteria]

The Issue
A new religious youth movement, popularly known as The Cult of Pizza, has recently gained visibility in @@NAME@@, proclaiming the "good word of the Supreme Pizza and his light and happy ways". Affronted religious leaders have taken notice.

The Debate
1. "The heretics must be stopped!" trumpets Bishop of @@FAITH@@ @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while handing out black books to bystanders. "If we allow blasphemers like them to continue their preaching, it will hurt my church's revenue -- I mean, it could be hazardous to our nation's citizens. Who knows what they'll turn to next - a cult based on noodles? Bah! The government must intercede on behalf of legitimate religious organizations."

2. "I agree with the Bishop wholeheartedly, my friend," declares ex-televangelist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, currently your Director of Budget Shortfalls. "But let's take this a step further. We can't let these idiots think that pizza is some sort of heavenly manifestation. So let's hit 'em where it hurts - nationalize the fast food industry. We all know we could use the extra revenue, and we could eliminate pizza from the menu as a feint at religious tolerance towards @@FAITH@@. I mean, at least we won't have to worry about those nasty carbs from pizza, am I right?"

3. At a parking lot rally peppered with delivery vehicles, cult founder and former Pizza Pagoda store manager @@RANDOM_NAME@@ steps up to the microphone. "Don't let these haters get under your crust - the Supreme One will always prevail! There is mush room in @@NAME@@ for a mixed platter of faiths. His Immaculate Munchiness cannot simply be shoved back into his box! Our nation's youth must demonstrate their devotion by dramatically upsizing visits to His Temples, the pizza parlors. Raise your glass of Eckie-Ecola and praise cheeses!"

4. Well-known secularist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ walks into your office, handing out pamphlets that read "Religions are for losers". "This problem all started because we have conflicting religions, right? Well, here's the solution: ban the public promotion of religion! If no one's out screaming that their gods are real, we won't have others screaming back that they're heretics! And it would get rid of those annoying church newsletters I get in the mail. I hate those."

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#299: Some Like it Hot; Others Don't [Kotlas; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A sudden rise in temperatures has sparked a debate over what the government should do to counter global warming, if anything. The environmentalist movement is up-in-arms and has camped outside your residence for three days demanding an end to all toxic emissions.

The Debate
1. As the crowd at the environmentalist rally shouts "Ban emissions NOW! Ban emissions NOW!", a radical who has actually worked in the real world steps to the podium. "Hush now, folks. Do you realize that a total ban would also require the elimination of all @@POPULATION@@ of us? Our mantra SHOULD be 'Reduce emissions NOW!' We must demand that our government install emission controls on all producers, including manufacturing plants, mining and agricultural operations, and military and civilian vehicles. We may not be able to eliminate all emissions, but we can surely go after the sources."

2. "We don't need to be too extreme about this, people." suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an economist. "To lower emissions, all we need to do is provide an economic incentive not to pollute. By this, I mean put a tax on harmful emissions. This excise tax will serve to encourage the use of cleaner alternative energy sources, while keeping the economy more or less intact and creating a new source of government revenue. Win-wins always sound good to me."

3. "Whoa, dude! The government is planning to do WHAT?!?" says famous surfer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "This temperature spike is, like, totally rad. Why would we want to stop it with uncool stuff that, like, makes it too cold for me to surf and like also does some bad stuff to our economy? Sure, there might be some, like, smog and pollution and stuff, but who cares when we could have bigger waves?"

4. "You know, I'm really tired of these hippies constantly complaining about the environment," rants your arch-conservative cousin, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "They're the real problem. I say we round up all the tree-huggers and shoot 'em all. Then business can go on as usual without the eco-nazis protesting every new oil refinery."

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#300: Trafficked Tots Trouble [Crazy girl; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
An emergency meeting has been called together after a report from the border police showed an alarming increase in child trafficking. Children born to unlicensed parents are being given to shady characters who smuggle these tots across the border to sell them to the highest bidder.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Population Logistics, believes the solution is simple. "Parents who fail the exam for a license aren't allowed kids - so they don't need reproductive organs. I say spay or neuter everyone who is unfit to be a parent, to ensure they don't have any offspring. Off with it all!"

2. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Chief of Police, winces and turns white. "That sounds rather... barbaric. Give us more funding, and we can set up a special department - the Child Catchers! We'll take children from those who procreate without passing the exam, and raise them to be perfect members of our police force... err... society."

3. Your dear old mother, tucking you into bed with your favorite teddy, shakes her head and disagrees. "We never needed a license to have our children. We were good parents to you, and you've all grown up to be fine human beings. Why don't you just get rid of these new-fangled licenses and trust a parent's instincts?"

by **Valentine Z** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:54 am

#301: Are 'Friends' Electric? [I V Stalin; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A civil war in Maxtopia, a country that provides the majority of electricity consumed in @@NAME@@, is already causing blackouts in provincial cities. Various concerned groups are demanding you take action before the situation gets worse.

The Debate
1. "Relying on other countries for something as important as electricity is a terrible idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the isolationist group 'We're Not Xenophobic, But'. "@@NAME@@ must be self-sufficient in its electrical needs. And if that means bringing back those nuke plants, so be it. We're a lot safer generating our own power than being at the whims of the international market, even if the tree-huggers throw a fit."

2. "Oh, don't listen to that nutjob!" says your Minister of Trade, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "We're just too focused on our relationship with Maxtopia, that's all. We must spread our net wider and take advantage of the other nations in @@REGION@@ who'd be willing to provide services for us - for a small fee."

3. A delegation from the Maxtopian rebels is ushered into your office. "OK, here's the deal. You give us arms and cash to overthrow the 'legitimate' Maxtopian government, and in return we'll halve the price we charge for electricity when we're running the place. Maybe preferential access for your corporations to our natural resources as well, yeah? I think our regimes will develop a very close alliance."

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#302: Delivering Mayhem In Thirty Minutes Or Less! [New Ziedrich; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Hoping to increase its market share, @@NAME@@'s second-largest pizza chain, De Luigi Bros. Pizza, began guaranteeing free pizzas if they weren't delivered in thirty minutes or less. Since the policy began several months ago, there have been several reports of De Luigi's delivery crew driving recklessly in order to beat the deadline. After a number of fatal accidents were attributed to De Luigi's drivers, citizens are calling for action.

The Debate
1. "Here's a thought," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, environmental activist and committed bicyclist, "These auto accidents wouldn't be happening if there weren't any cars in the first place! If you banned cars from our roads and focused on bikes and mass transit, we'd all be safer, and our environment would be cleaner, too. We've got nothing to lose! Except an auto industry of course. And the pizza industry will probably take a hit too, since it'll be harder to deliver the pizzas. But that doesn't matter: our safety and the planet's future do!"

[2]. "What the... hell does that have to do with anything?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, successful personal injury lawyer and owner of four sports cars. "The real issue is that De Luigi's enacted a stupid policy that resulted in injury and property damage! We need to send a clear message to big business that they'll be held liable for their mistakes, and the best way to do that, of course, is with a punitive class action lawsuit." [Must have a judiciary; Cars are legal]

3. "As usual, science has the answer!" claims renowned engineer and futurist, Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You're probably aware that there have been numerous developments in unmanned aerial vehicles over the past several years. Well, my laboratory's been developing this supersonic compact lifter drone with ASM ballistic delivery of boxes, type II AI, PIM, RTP, VTOL, GPS and a bunch of other initialisms that make it perfect for this kind of application! It performed... okay in the test run, barring the occasional cardboard-concussed bystander. So if the military would allow us to sell these things to, uh, pretty much everyone, defense contractors can make a mint manufacturing them; and pizza chains can save a small fortune by not having to pay armies of inexperienced teenage drivers! They should still carry plenty of insurance, though."

*4. "Wait, this is getting out of hand!" moans Benito De Luigi, CEO and co-founder of De Luigi Bros. Pizza. "We just wanted to dethrone those smug jerks at Papa Pallocci's, that's all! This isn't our fault; the real culprit is, uh... suburbia! Yeah! Those rows and rows of poorly-built, identical houses on stupid cul-de-sacs are a confusing nightmare for our delivery crews. Most people should be living in urban high-rise apartments, and I guess everyone else can save time by not commuting so much. Offer some incentives to get people to move: a month's free rent and a free trip to jail if they refuse to leave!" [Must have prisons]

*5. "Wait, this is getting out of hand!" moans Benito De Luigi, CEO and co-founder of De Luigi Bros. Pizza. "We just wanted to dethrone those smug jerks at Papa Pallocci's, that's all! This isn't our fault; the real culprit is, uh... suburbia! Yeah! Those rows and rows of poorly-built, identical houses on stupid cul-de-sacs are a confusing nightmare for our delivery crews. Most people should be living in urban high-rise apartments, and I guess everyone else can save time by not commuting so much. Offer some incentives to get people to move: a month's free rent and a bulldozer through the living room if they refuse to leave!" [Must not have prisons]

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#303: Digital Revolution Requires Re-evaluation [Coddiac; ed: Frisbeeteria]

The Issue
Advances in the state of the art of television recording devices have brought the topic of sex and violence on late night television back to the table. Interested parties want to share their concerns.

The Debate
1. "I've had just about enough of this!" fulminates concerned parent @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who seems purple with rage. "Our children's minds are being fed garbage on a daily basis by what they see on TV. Why just the other day I caught my kid watching a DVR recorded from a late-night cartoon where a clown beat a hooker to death with a vodka bottle! We need to stop the sex and violence on TV entirely, and limit the networks to decent family programming during daytime hours."

*2. "Why should everyone else pay the price for bad parenting?" bellows libertarian and free speech advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This government needs to get out of the business of designating what we can and cannot watch. The free market will adapt to the needs of the buyers, leaving parents to do their jobs and monitor what their kids watch. I paid good money for my TV – let ME choose what I want to see!" [Must have private industry]

*3. "Why should everyone else pay the price for bad parenting?" bellows fiercely independent broadcaster @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Central planning needs to get out of the business of designating what we can and cannot watch. Broadcasters should be state-funded, of course, but content should be determined by our own independent and neutral station directors. We serve the People, not the Government!" [Must not have private industry]

[4]. "You folks are missin' your best bet," celebrity race car driver @@RANDOM_NAME@@ whispers in your ear, while wearing a jumpsuit covered in product logos. "Us racers have lead the way towards makin' product placement the must-have advertising choice. Ain't no need to ban content they cain't stand. All you gotta do is hide the action behind a Microcosm computer or hold an Eckie-Ecola in front of the naughty bits, and nobody gets hurt. Them internet fellas done figured out how to throw ad banners in front of the stuff you want to see; just do the same thing on the teevee sets. Everybody wins!" [Must have private industry]

5. "You know, this gave me a fantastic idea," declares one of your advisors, grinning broadly. "So if I got this straight, children will change their behavior according to what they're exposed to on TV. So what we should do is put subliminal messages about our government in every program and commercial on TV during kid's viewing hours. That way children will stop the violence AND they'll be more inclined to serve our government when they grow up. GENIUS!"

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#304: Time for Paternity Leave, say Dads [Gior Altheriod; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A coalition of working parents have put forward a petition that maternity leave laws should also allow new fathers time off.

The Debate
1. "What is this madness?" splutters well-known conservative @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Think of the cost! And have you ever seen a man breastfeeding a newborn baby? I think not! You can't change basic biology by throwing @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ at it - this is one area where the women just have to face the facts."

2. "Offering different lengths of parental leave based on sex is discrimination!" yells well-known egalitarian @@RANDOM_NAME@@, pounding on your desk. "And it also disadvantages gay couples. Why shouldn't a lesbian mother have time off when her partner gives birth? I say we offer both parents six months' fully paid leave, regardless of sex. It's pricey, but it's the only way to be fair. Oh, and parents who've just adopted can have it too."

3. "I agree that we can't discriminate against gay and adoptive parents," says your Minister for the Family, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "But there's a limit to how much of a burden we can place on employers. How about offering, say, six months' joint parental leave, and letting the couple divide it up how they want? That way families can find a solution that suits them, without costing the country too much."

*4. "Are you trying to cripple our economy completely?" implores @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Money-Grabbers Ltd. "If people have children, that's their own lookout! If you can't afford to take time off work to raise your spawn, whose fault is that? All parental leave should be banned! We're not heartless bastards, though. Of course momma can take a sick or vacation day, or maybe even two!" [Must have private industry]

*5. "Are you trying to cripple our economy completely?" implores @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of Proletariat Productivity Maximisation "If people have children, that's their own lookout! The State didn't cause the pregnancy, did it? All parental leave should be banned! We're not heartless bastards, though. Of course momma can take a sick or vacation day, or maybe even two!" [Must not have private industry]

6. "There is another way, you know," quietly suggests one of your advisers, "Young children need to be taken care of during the workday, but not necessarily by their parents. What if the government provided daycare for all kids until schooling starts? Parental leave would cease to be an issue. Of course, it'd cost a lot to take care of everyone's kids, but I think it's worth it to allow parents to work full-time guilt-free."

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#305: Who's Occupying What? [Nexexen; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Many young, educated, and unemployed people are frustrated because jobs are being outsourced to workers in Bigtopia. On the other hand, low end service industries are seeing a shortage of workers, sparking debate over possible solutions to the employment gap.

The Debate
1. "Frankly, we shouldn't be wasting time giving our children costly educations, just to have Bigtopians take their jobs," remarks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a wealthy business executive sharing a drink in your office. "Let's lift the ban on child labor and instead put our children to work in service jobs in retail—jobs that can't be sent to other countries. They might not get paid much, but it'll at least get them working and this economy moving again." Handing you a wad of money, he continues, "And we'll both make a @@CURRENCY@@ or two off it as well…"

2. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, author of "Command Economies: The Communist Ideal" and part-time florist, slips into your office and says, "On that thought, perhaps we could use the government to allocate our resources... erm... children. To help economic efficiency, we'll split them up early on, sending some right into the workforce where the economy needs them. We'll raise the others through the education system." The noted statist thinker, deftly rearranging your vase of roses, quickly adds, "It might be expensive to manage, and kids won't get much choice in what kind of a job they get, but I think everyone will be happy after realizing that everything fits… perfectly…"

3. "Our people need jobs, but giving more money to fat-cat business owners isn't the answer!" remarks @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the Occupy @@CAPITAL@@ movement, unaware of the "Hiring" sign in a nearby department store window. "In fact, we should tighten regulations on robber barons to ensure they put our workers first. And make them pay a little more in taxes to help support @@NAME@@'s hard-working people as well! Sure, the businesses may not like it, but it will help out the common man. Help the 99%!"

4. "All ze jobs are VHERE?!" General Von Gugelheimer lets out a piercing scream. "Zose Bigtopians and zeir business friends need to remember vhich is ze better country! Nevermind zat ze businesses at fault are based out of @@NAME@@. Let's blow zose Bigtopians off ze map! Double ze military's size, and ve von't have to vorry about zem anymore. Trade vill take a hit, but isn't ZE POWER vorth it? Hahaha… HAHAHAHA!"

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#306: A Matter of Trust [Nation of Quebec; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
A new survey conducted by private organizations has found out that confidence in @@NAME@@'s political system is at an all-time low. Politicians and political think tanks are scrambling to find a solution.

The Debate
*1. "Isn't it obvious?" states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, host of a political talk show. "Politicians get away with things that would land us regular folk in jail. Corruption, fraud; you name it, they do it – and with no consequences. How about you make it harder for them to get away with their crimes by enforcing tough jail time. Maybe then you'll earn back the public's trust." [Must have prisons]

*2. "Isn't it obvious?" states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, host of a political talk show. "Politicians get away with things that would land us regular folk with a year of litter-picking in community service. Corruption, fraud; you name it, they do it - and with no consequences. How about you make it harder for them to get away with their crimes by enforcing tough punishments. Maybe then you'll earn back the public's trust." [Must not have prisons]

[3]. "It's probably because we're constantly seeing the same people in power over and over again," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a columnist for the @@NAME@@ Inquirer. "We should shake things up a bit and bring some fresh faces into the political game. Let's introduce term limits on all public offices. That'll definitely increase confidence in our political system!" [Must not have term limits]

[4]. "I couldn't help but notice that confidence was particularly lower among women," notes @@RANDOM_NAME@@, editor of Bonjour magazine. "It's time we rid this country of its old boys club by introducing gender quotas. Mandate that women must hold at least 50% of all public offices in @@NAME@@; everyone knows women are so much more trustworthy than men." [Must not have policies putting women in charge]

5. "People don't trust us?" gasps @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your many advisers. "Then it's time we earned it back! Let's get out there among the people and show everybody that politicians are just like them! Be totally transparent; personal blogs, documentaries, 24 hour TV shows. Yes, it may cost a bit, but if the public know everything about you, they'll have to trust you!"

6. "If the people don't trust us then we'll make them," suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your military aide-de-camp, slamming his fists on the table. "We'll just use force and intimidation to win back support. Some may call it brainwashing or terrorism, but I call it love. As a plus, it should be really easy to implement!"

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#307: Derailing the Gravy Train [Burtina; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A national newspaper has uncovered details of a number of politicians' expenses documents, publishing claims from gold-plated toilet seats to elaborate steak dinners for dogs. Following the publication, the general public is clamoring at your door demanding answers.

The Debate
1. "This is the sort of disgraceful behavior we've come to expect from our politicians," bemoans unemployed teacher, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Look around you! No one else is living so extravagantly. We need to lower all politicians' salaries to the poverty line and put the kibosh on these claimed 'business expenses' too. Maybe then they'll understand how real people actually live in @@NAME@@."

2. "This is quite absurd!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, taking a sip of Bollinger '86. "We toil day in and day out keeping this country running, and this is the thanks we get? Newspapers snooping around our personal business, questioning what we need to do our jobs. We incur certain, necessary expenses that may look odd when taken out of context – and that's just what the media is doing! They're distorting the facts just to boost their ratings. Well, I say their prying eyes have gone too far. We need to outlaw this underhanded 'reporting' for the sake of the patriotic values that made this nation great!"

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#308: Over, Under or Through? [Platform VII; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
After recent economic growth, ferry links with the @@NAME@@ Barrier Islands are struggling to cope under the increasing volume of commuters and cargo.

The Debate
1. "A government's first duty is to its people," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the @@NAME@@ Highways Agency. "The best way to serve the people is to encourage auto traffic by building bridges. With bridges we can not only serve the residential needs, but the commercial too. True, it will take a few years of construction and there's bound to be some environmental impact, but that's the price of progress."

2. "Some environmental impact?" questions @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of the Environment. "More bridges means more traffic, which means more pollution. What we need to do is build a rail tunnel. One train can carry more cargo than many trucks and with my electric train design, it'll be much more eco-friendly. Of course the government will have to subsidize it to keep the prices reasonable, but the benefit to the environment is worth it."

[3]. "More government involvement isn't what we need," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the CEO of Ferry Nice. "We're in this mess because the government can't keep up with the times. Let the private sector run these docks, and watch how quickly it turns around. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to raise the limit of how many passengers each boat can take." [Must not be Socialist]

4. "Halt this at once!" yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a pitchfork wielding island resident. "What about us? Did you ever once stop to ask if the residents wanted all this commotion? Well we don't! We like our islands nice and quiet just the way Mother Nature made them."

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#309: Guerrilla Grandparents [Luna Amore; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
In response to the recent government mandate to execute anyone over the age of 65, an insurgency of highly organized and skilled (albeit slow) senior citizens bombed a national government building. Following the explosion, the leader of the insurgents issued an 8mm reel of demands.

The Debate
1. "We won't stand for this tomfoolery," barks a shadowy figure who only identifies himself as Logan, "Do you know how many wars we've fought for you ungrateful whippersnappers? We built this damn country, and now because we don't fit into your fancy budget, you're trying to kill us! Well no more! If you don't cease this genocidal nonsense AND give us back our pensions, we, Logan's Runners, will wage all-out war on @@CAPITAL@@!"

2. "They won't be 'standing' for anything when I'm done with them," threatens Major General @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We can't allow this kind of insubordination. Your country needs a strong leader who's willing to back up their mandates – with force if necessary. God help anyone who stands in our way. Provide me with the necessary funds and give my men the authority to search anywhere they please, and I'll smoke out these traitorous geezers like the filthy rats they are!"

3. "Alright, we were a little excessive with that law," admits @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Finance, "But we can't just reverse it and go back to the horror days of gold-plated pensions. The budget can't handle it! We'll nix the death squads, and the elderly will be allowed to live, but only in our government approved facilities. They'll be given only what they need to survive, and we'll avoid a budgetary crisis."

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#310: Too Little Talk? [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Opposition newspapers have accused the government of abusing its control over the filibuster ban, which it can use to limit the length of legislative debate. You have consulted multiple people in search of solutions.

The Debate
*1. “Now, now, my friend,” smiles the wealthiest CEO in the @@MAYOR_INDUSTRY@@ industry, reclining in a shady corner, “We simply can’t have a few radicals dictate government policy to us. After all, we do know what’s best, don’t we? First it’s this reform, next it’s a slew of unproductive economic policies, and then before you know it they’re limiting campaign donations. You can see that some issues have no merit, and are simply not worthy of debate. Perhaps we should even halt the debate before such silliness even begins...?” The CEO hands you a wad of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@. “You agree. Now there’s a good leader.” [Must allow Private Industries]

*2. “Now, now, my friend,” smiles an anonymous political strategist, reclining in a shady corner, “We simply can’t have a few radicals dictate government policy to us. After all, we do know what’s best, don’t we? First it’s this reform, next it’s a slew of anti-socialist policies, and then before you know it they’re threatening the democratically elected Communist government. You can see that some issues have no merit, and are simply not worthy of debate. Perhaps we should even halt the debate before such silliness even begins...?” @@HE@@ hands you a wad of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@. “You agree. Now there’s a good leader.” [Must not allow Private Industries]

3. "I think we can all see the benefits of the filibuster ban," says political science professor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But it's also true that putting it in the hands of the reigning party coalition is a dangerous centralisation of power. Why not simply have an independent, representative committee to decide what issues are worthy of a lengthy debate? It might be a tad erratic in its priorities, but at least it would give the power back to the people. That's a good thing, right?"

4. "The government, all the way up to @@LEADER@@, has used this ban as a way to control parliament," declares Opposition Whip @@RANDOM_NAME@@, speaking from the Floor, "They're perfectly happy to let debates about the most inconsequential of matters rage on for hours, but when it comes to a serious discussion of @@LEADER@@'s murky ties to prominent members of the @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ industry or policies genuinely aimed at helping the general public, rather than a select few, the debate comes to a quick close. We must overturn the filibuster ban, post-haste. And I think it is clear to all who suffer from this. That's right, my friends, ladies and gentlemen, casual onlookers, convenient family members, cultural attachés, politically active tourists and constituents, both loyal and traitorous to the greater cause; the people. The people suffer the injustices of a government pandering to its corporate cronies, its oligarchic overlords, its necessary nepotists, if you will. They suffer the delirious - ah - deleterious effects of a government sans filibuster, sans fairness, sans freedom! This ridiculous policy ignores the fact that some things require longer and more serious deliberation - as does, indeed, this very issue. But I am diverging from my abundantly clear point, supported by the voices of a thousand-strong crowd outside this very building. And while we might quibble over the numbers - a thousand, I hear you cry? Tens - hundreds! - of thousands, surely? But this ignores the fundamental spirit of the times - zeitgeist, if you will - that we stand against this filibuster ban clearly and unwaveringly. Anyway, a discussion of the genuinely humanitarian policies my party espouses, which require a debate of adequate length for the complexities of which to be fully understood, are quickly relegated as the government trots out its latest quick-fix or vote-snatching policy. Now, to move onto my second point of four-hundred-and-thirty-eight of my first speech - I will, of course, pass over to my comrade on the bench in due course." The security guards by the door notice your discreet signal and step quietly towards the Whip's podium. "Perhaps we should investigate further… excuse me…?" stammers the Whip, as your guards gingerly carry @@HIM@@ away. "Ah … yes, thank you for your time."

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#311: Victims Demand Their Pound of Flesh [Frisbeeteria; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A recent article in The @@CAPITAL@@ Naysayer has exposed a dirty little secret: prison wardens have been quietly selling the organs from executed criminals and pocketing the proceeds. Enraged citizens, particularly victim's rights organizations, demand retribution.

The Debate
1. "These murderers took away took away our families and our futures", cries Victims of Violence chapter head @@RANDOM_NAME@@, holding a black-draped family photo. "The court ordered restitution, but most criminals have no money. These wardens are stealing the only thing of value these criminals still have: their organs! Give surviving family members the remuneration from these sales. It's the very least you can do after all we've suffered."

2. "We have also lost family to murders and nothing will bring them back to our loving arms", weeps @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a member of Victims for a Just Society. "Monetary reimbursement can't replace what we have lost, but perhaps others can benefit from our loss. We must expand the list of capital crimes to discourage criminals from committing any crimes at all, while providing a substantial source of new organs to our hospitals. Criminals can repay society by helping the ailing victims of organ failure. Let transplant survivors be our memorial!"

3. A serene voice from the back commands the crowd's attention. "My children, we cannot relieve violence with violence", intones @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Roshi of @@CAPITAL@@ Zendo, sitting zazen. "The solution lies not with taming corrupt officials, but within ourselves. We should not be killing these criminals; we should be leading them. Our prisons should hire counsellors and sensei to guide them to a better path of penance and good works. Prisoners can return life with life by tending our crops and feeding the hungry. We must end capital punishment, for the betterment of our own inner light. Only then will we truly find peace."

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#312: The Empire Strikes First? [Maleperduys; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
Reports indicate that several neighbouring nations are engaged in major weapons programs in contravention of international law and treaty, focusing public discourse on @@NAME@@'s foreign policy - specifically, its position on preemptive strikes.

The Debate
1. "We need to hit back hard at these terrorist scumbags!" roars General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, his face turning purple. "I say that we treat any illegal weapons program by these nations as an act of war! Granted, a preemptive strike will likely cause a war, but if these foreigners won't abide by international agreement, they have to be kept in line, for the good of our @@TYPE@@."

2. Diplomatic bureaucrat @@RANDOM_NAME@@ remarks calmly, "There's no need to go off half-cocked. It would be much better if we used some international body - the World Assembly, say, or a @@REGION@@ tribunal - to investigate these rumours objectively for us. That way we have the international community on our side, and no one can accuse us of playing judge and jury. It will be well worth the extra diplomatic costs and bureaucratic red tape."

[3]. "If these countries don't respect international law, why would they respect international agencies?" wonders political analyst @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Our neighbours are acquiring these weapons for a reason - because no one wants to pick a fight with a country that has weapons of mass destruction. The solution is simple - if we have WMDs of our own, they won't dare to strike at us. It may seen mad, but in this crazy world, it's the sanest thing we could do." [Must not have WMDs]

4. Noted pacifist and tambourine artist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ replies, "As usual our nation's proud leaders can only see violent solutions to our problems abroad. Wouldn't it be refreshing if they focused on achieving peace through communication and accommodation, rather than force of arms? You may call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one – wait, sorry, I've heard that somewhere before."

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#313: Conscientious Objectors Want You... To Let Them Abstain [Great Nepal; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A religious scholar was recently arrested over refusing to serve in @@NAME@@'s Armed Services on moral grounds. Small – but very vocal – demonstrations have started over compulsory military service and a citizen's right to be a conscientious objector.

The Debate
1. "Conscription flies in the face of my religion," declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Grand Poobah of the Order of Maxx. "It clearly states in our holy book that 'Thou mayest not blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy'. The devout of @@NAME@@ should have the option to opt out of service. We were put here to bring peace to the world, not destroy it!"

2. "I can't believe you are still listening to these spineless liberals!" yells Field Marshal @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You let these crazy zealots have their way and we'll find ourselves open to all sorts threats. Bigtopia would have a field day. Let's remind these wackos who's in charge."

*3. "We hardly need to be so black and white about it," interrupts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Churchmaster General. "These people don't want to kill? It's against their 'beliefs'? So we won't make them. There are plenty of jobs in military that don't involve pulling a trigger. If they still object, well, let's just say there's no shortage of prison cells." [Must have prisons]

*4. "We hardly need to be so black and white about it," interrupts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Churchmaster General. "These people don't want to kill? It's against their 'beliefs'? So we won't make them. There are plenty of jobs in the military that don't involve pulling a trigger. If they still object, well, we can always exile them." [Must not have prisons]

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#314: An Affair to Remember? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A recent investigation by The @@CAPITAL@@ Times has shown that the nation's tough adultery laws have hit the poor hardest. An odd assortment of left-wing activists, religious leaders, and scantily clad protesters have demanded the government take action as more of @@NAME@@'s impoverished citizens find themselves in prison.

The Debate
1. "I think you're forgetting the real reason why people have affairs," suggests noted socialist leader, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Everything seems more tempting when you have nothing to lose. How can you blame these people for turning to turning to, shall we say 'alternative partners', when they lack the skills to provide for themselves? If the government funded some new job training programs for the unemployed and increased the welfare budget just a tad, you will not only lower unemployment rates, but adultery along with it."

2. "Economics has nothing to do with it. Government simply has no place in the bedroom!" shouts longtime sexual freedoms advocate, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing nothing but a conveniently placed protest sign. "Politicians - who, may I remind you, have more affairs than anyone else - are only standing by this fundamentalism to get the religious vote! You'll save much more face if you admit you screwed up and repealed this archaic law."

3. "I told thee so! I told thee so!" invokes Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage? It's obvious we've become too lenient. We need to strike the fear of divine retribution into these sinners before the problem gets any worse. A good ol' stoning ought to do it!"

4. "Adultery isn't the real issue," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who at fifty years old is still single and proud of it. "Why not ban marriage? It's not like matrimony means anything these days when you consider all the divorces, shams, casino weddings, and fake celebrity weddings. Besides, weddings are EXPENSIVE. Talk about a waste of perfectly good money."

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#315: Creative Flowers Withering Under Legislation [Panageadom; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
Following a record number of affirmative action lawsuits last month, the creative minds, radio personalities and actors of @@NAME@@ have to come to your office demanding the government take action.

The Debate
1. "It simply won't do, darling!" opines melodramatic director @@RANDOM_NAME@@, sprawled magnificently across a sofa, "The creative arts simply cannot function without a healthy dash of social criticism. How can fine humor work without the blonde bombshells, bumbling Bigtopians and blustering bureaucrats? And yet I cannot hire them, for fear of discrimination lawsuits. Pah! The government must protect artists' right to freely choose whom to include - and whom to ridicule - in their work. After all, everyone knows not too take it too seriously..."

2. "Why should the entertainment industry receive special treatment?" bellows conservative talk-show host, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "People should damn well have the freedom to insult or employ whoever they like. That's a privilege everyone should enjoy, not just a bunch of artsy leftists. What gives the government the right to tell me what I can or cannot say on my show? Besides, what sane man on Earth would hire one of those dodgy Maxtopians?"

3. "No! You can't let this happen!" screams actress Susan Simmer, infamous for her dismissal from a hit TV show for being "incredibly ugly". "Society gets its opinions about what's acceptable from the TV these days. That's where we need to be toughest about stamping out discrimination! I say any writer or director who won't toe the line should be forced into mandatory racial sensitivity training! It's the only way to prevent decadent backsliding and stamp out racism for the sake of future generations!"

4. "I believe it's time for the government to step in and take control," hisses notoriously shifty advisor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, stepping out of a shadowy corner. "If we were to hire writers to produce scripts with the "correct" subtexts and broadcast them over state-owned radio and television, we could solve all the problems at hand. We would be employing writers, but – more importantly - we'd be spearheading the development of a fiercely loyal citizenry."

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#316: Fortified Against Crime [Praedico; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Owing to high crime rates, wealthy residents of several cities are asking for permission to build walls around their neighborhoods and employ private security to keep the peace. Several advocacy groups have gathered in your office to lobby regarding gated communities.

The Debate
1. "Crime rates in our city have sky-rocketed recently," says distressed investment banker, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "And we think we should be allowed to shelter ourselves from the criminal hordes with armed private security. We've got contractor bids in place for a sturdy, steel-reinforced wall with electrified razor wire and poisoned barbs. Oh, and lasers - got to have lasers! Granted, it probably won't reduce the crime rate in the rest of the city, but frankly, that's not our problem."

2. "Of course it's your problem," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, police chief of @@CAPITAL@@. "If you reduce the crime rate in the whole city, you won't need walls and private guards. Even you rich types have to come out occasionally, if only to take in the theatre or attend a gala or whatever it is you do. Mansion owners would probably end up paying more in increased taxes than they would for private security, but they'd be helping others too, so I can't see why they'd have a problem with that."

3. "Well, I do have a problem with that!" shouts a stock broker, helping himself to a couple of luxury chocolates from the box on your desk. "The rich are overtaxed as it is. Why, I've only been able to afford two new swimming pools this year! However, I think this proposal has got things backwards. What we should be doing is walling up the inner cities to keep the criminal types inside. With the poor confined to ghettos, normal people could go about their business in peace. Just take the funds from public transport or something. It's not as if the poor will be needing to travel any more."

4. "Down with the rich!" cries working-class protester @@RANDOM_NAME@@, jumping on your desk and waving a red flag. "They shouldn't be allowed to set up their own pocket kingdoms! What about the rest of us, huh? We're not all criminals just because we're poor! Most of the rich are bigger criminals than any burglar could be anyway. The police should concentrate on arresting them. They couldn't complain about being robbed if they were all in prison, could they?" While being forcibly removed by your guards, she adds, "Oh, and reduce taxes on the poor while you're at it."

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#317: Big Brother Is Watching You Surf [Vintaland; ed: The Most Glorious Hack]

The Issue
Advisers from @@NAME@@'s security services have created a small piece of spyware that they would like to install on every computer in the nation so they can track activity.

The Debate
1. "For the good of all," claims Department of Protection head @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This tiny little program will simply collect data and send it via the internet to one of our databases. Nobody will even notice that it's there. Besides, who's gonna notice a handful of bytes under mountains of stolen MP3s? Just give us the green light and we'll be rounding up terrorists faster than you can say 'lolcat'! And, hey, while we're at it, we could even use it to alert people when there's danger!"

2. "Are you insane?" shouts privacy advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These are our personal computers; they're not the government's property! The last thing we need is the government poking its big, fat nose into our business. Keep the government's hands off my harddrive! What's next? Brain implants? Leave my brainwaves alone, you jack-booted thugs!"

3. "While 'tis not my place," says Amish farmer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "I just thought I'd mention that we Amish don't have any of this so-called 'cyber-crime'. Aye, 'tis a boring life, and plowin' gets old, but abolishing all of those computer-machines would certainly solve thy problems. Perhaps ye should just abandon phones and fax machines, too. Then ye'll be on your way to livin' in an Amish paradise!"

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#318: Death Penalty on Death Row? [Andacantra; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
After new DNA evidence has proven that recently executed inmate @@RANDOM_NAME@@ was actually innocent, human rights activists have been campaigning to ban the death penalty.

The Debate
1. "This is government sanctioned murder!" chants @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a human rights activist, from outside your office door. "It must end! Not only is it murder, but it amounts to hypocrisy of the highest nature. Yeah, keeping criminals locked up instead of mercilessly killing them might be costly, but maybe we can offset the cost by putting them to work making handcrafts in the prison store? Regardless, we have to abolish the death penalty - it's the only right and moral thing to do!"

2. "What about other potential criminals out there?" whimpers @@NAME@@ Neighbourhood Watch spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who has taken to hiding beneath your desk. "Did you know that since we introduced the death penalty the crime rate has decreased hugely? I say we introduce the death penalty for more crimes, like burglary and trespassing, and then no-one will ever dare to do anything wrong!"

3. "There's absolutely no proof that the crime rate has decreased", states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your foreign affairs advisor, with a nod. "But I have an idea. If we're going to be killing these people, we ensure it's as non-violent and as respectful as possible; make our executions more humane and give these people some choice in how they die. The international community will love us for our civility and humaneness. We'll be an international benchmark!"

4. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Chief Deputy Assistant Police Commissioner states, swirling a pair of handcuffs on one finger. "We don't go around executing innocent people for the fun of it; accidents happen! So those hippy people should quit their boo-hooin'. Look, if we give our boys in blue some more cash maybe there'll be less room for mistakes. Everyone goes away happy."

5. "Hows abo' bringin' back dem-dere good ol' fashioned lynchings? Bring justice back ter tha peoples!" shouts Jethro, a survivalist. "Who'd dare ta kill innocent peoples when tha punishmen' is bein' pelted ta death wit' rocks?"

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#319: Sizing Up The Competition [Cosumar; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
After a recent conversion mistake cost a government research project millions in @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@, @@NAME@@'s scientists have come to you begging for the country to switch to the metric system.

The Debate
1. "Our measurement system is a complete disaster!" wails renowned engineer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, brandishing the odd-looking result of a recent project. "We're stuck using primitive and illogical measurements like 'fingers' or 'donkeypower' or 'MegaFonzie'. It's too much! Practically every other nation in @@REGION@@ has converted to the metric system. Think of how much it would help our international communication! It'll cost a few @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to convert, but it'll be damn cheaper than the mistakes our system is causing!"

2. "Primitive? How dare that lab rat say such a thing!" spits infamous patriot @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They're not just measurements; they're part of our cultural heritage. Where would we be without our attoparsecs, hogsheads, or shakes of a @@ANIMAL@@'s tail? You want to throw that all away because some scientists are too lazy to do their jobs correctly. Give the taxpayers a break and ignore these eggheads."

3. "This. This is a crossroads." states noted avant garde artist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This idea that we can standardize how people look at the world with words, it's a fool's errand. Everything's relative, man. We need to stop trying to control the world and just live. Imagine how happy our nation'd be with no measurements." He pauses to puff on a pipe. "No time like the present, @@LEADER@@. No time."

by **Valentine Z** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 5:56 am

#320: Criminals to Vote? [Iglesian Archipelago; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
Following recent elections in @@NAME@@ where the Equality for Vilified Inmates League won a noticeable percentage of seats, the media have jumped on the issue of whether or not prisoners should be allowed to vote.

The Debate
1. "This is absurd!", argues conservative politician, @@RANDOM_NAME@@ "Why should criminals be allowed to participate in elections like normal people? Voting should be a privilege for the law-abiding members of this country. If someone breaks the law, they must lose the right to have a say in who governs them. At the very least it'll be a good deterrent."

2. "You're not going to listen to that clap-trap I hope", says noted liberal commentator @RANDOM_NAME@@. "Voting is a right that everyone should enjoy, regardless of whether or not they have committed a crime. We already punish those who break our law; restricting one's ability to vote is a punishment totally disproportionate to any crime!"

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#321: Cowboys and... Aliens? [Carlosianor; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A gang of rough-riders has been policing towns along @@NAME@@'s border, rounding up illegal aliens and "escorting" them back home.

The Debate
1. "Who do these thugs think they are?" asks popular liberal blogger @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The police should be the only ones handling border control! If we leave it in the hands of wild frontiersmen, immigrants will be herded and probed like @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@! It's despicable, it's degrading, and it must be stopped!"

2. "Why, we just helpin' our community, is all," drawls the self-proclaimed sheriff of the cowboy gang, Harry Fjord, as he slides off his saddle to shake your hand. "Matta'fact, we're helpin' the gov'ment as well, enforcin' border control and keepin' yer towns safe from them damned illegals. I can handle m'boys, so don't you worry 'bout a thing."

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#322: Empathy a Rare Commodity? [The Cookish States; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
Last week, a jaywalking man was hit by a truck in a busy intersection. He lay there for seventeen hours before a policeman tripped over him and brought him to jail for loitering.

The Debate
1."This is despicable!" yelps one lone protester, desperately trying to get others involved. "How low have we sunk that we care so little for our fellow man? The answer is as plain as the nose on your face. You must create an Empathy Awareness Squad. They would train people on how to be kind to and empathize with one another. Sure, it'll require some extra taxes, but can you really put a price on kindness? I mean, what if YOU get hit by a truck next time?"

2."Good riddance!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a sullen, disgruntled postal worker. "I think we should give the policeman who arrested that freeloader a medal! Mandatory empathy programs? Ha! No amount of touchy-feely 'training' is gonna make me empathize with these idiots. This is just nature's way of weeding out the weak and infirm. In fact, we should cut what social spoon-feeding programs we've got left. Give your good and decent citizens a tax break."

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#323: Get Teens out of MyFace? [Malsitar; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After the abduction of a young blond girl made national headlines in @@NAME@@, the concerned parenting organization Mothers Against Youth Doing Stupid Stuff (MAYDSS) has raised concerns over the use of social networking sites by the nation's teens.

The Debate
1."Teens should not be allowed to use social networking!" cries the girl's mother, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Some creep added my little darling as a 'friend' on that awful website, and he used it to get all of her personal information and track her down! Obviously, the only sane course of action is to ban all legal minors from using social networking sites! And don't just stop at social networks: block everything else that MAYDSS doesn't approve of!"

2."Why that's utterly preposterous!" shouts Marcus Sugarmountain, founder of MyFace, a popular social networking site. "You can't restrict people like that! Oh, sure, today it's keeping teens from lining my wa- I mean - accessing my website, but tomorrow it's keeping everyone from anywhere the government doesn't like! I say free up the web, and get rid of restrictions!"

3. "You know, there's always a compromise," says local birdwatcher @@RANDOM_NAME@@ peering at you from a nearby tree. "As I see it, the best way to keep both sides of the argument happy is to remove all restrictions on what adults can view and increase restrictions on minors. But at the same time, lower the age of majority by a lot. What could possibly go wrong?"

4."What could possibly go wrong, you ask?" panics your paranoid cousin, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "On the internet, nobody knows your actual age. It's a haven for malicious anonymity! Besides, children aren't the only people at risk on the internet. It's full of stalker-rapists and bomb-makers and viruses and sick, depraved porn. We're better off without it."

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#324: "Tourism Tanking!" Trumpet Tabloids [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Following a public safety disaster of unimaginable magnitude - so extreme that members of your government only mention it in hushed voices, and then only in the vaguest of terms - the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ tourist industry has hit the rocks. Commentators from all walks of life have come to your office to offer their opinions.

The Debate
1."The government has to step in and do something, for once!" demands tour operator @@RANDOM_NAME@@, visibly pulling her hair out. "If we'd had proper railings on the marina, that shark would never have gotten into the oil refinery in the first place! The government has to put better regulations in place to make sure disasters of this kind never happen again. And if we want to coax back the tourists we've lost, we need a whole bunch of new state-subsidised hotels, parks and tourist attractions. Shark-proof ones. Our economy will never survive without it!"

*2."Why waste more money?" grumbles middle-aged industrialist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chomping on a fat cigar, "Look. I'm as sorry as the next schmuck for those poor farmers' ant epidemic. But we've got to realise that tourism is just not @@NAME@@'s strong suit; and that's not going to change, no matter how much the state spends. Hell, if the government really wanted to do something to fix our economy, it'd be to give everyone a healthy tax-cut and get rid of some of that environmental legislation - set up for the benefit of a bunch of tree-hugging foreigners, I might add." [Smoking is legal]

*3. "Why waste more money?" grumbles middle-aged industrialist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chewing on a thick wad of qat. "Look. I'm as sorry as the next schmuck for those poor farmers' ant epidemic. But we've got to realise that tourism is just not @@NAME@@'s strong suit; and that's not going to change, no matter how much the state spends. Hell, if the government really wanted to do something to fix our economy, it'd be to give everyone a healthy tax-cut and get rid of some of that environmental legislation - set up for the benefit of a bunch of tree-hugging foreigners, I might add." [Smoking is illegal]

4."I think I've got another solution to this problem," says your shadiest government advisor, waving a magazine spread of bathing beauties sunning themselves at the @@CAPITAL@@ Grand Regent. "Now we're not goin' to be able to hide the fact that @@NAME@@ is now covered in pink frosting, but... what if the inspectors an' tour guides an' all those types of folks just didn't notice all that mess? After all, we don't have the money to clear it all up, but I think we do have just about enough to dangle a few @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in front of anyone who wants to give our nation a good review. After all, a few firm golden handshakes never hurt no-one."

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#325: Blazing Through the Paper Trail [Euphilium; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
Following a recent fire in the National Archive, which destroyed thousands of important documents, several vocal representatives have approached you with solutions.

The Debate
1. "We've got to face facts: technology has advanced beyond physical record-keeping," councils @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the PR representative for Eastern Electronic. "Digital records are easier to maintain and easier to back up. Our company can facilitate the switch from the archaic paper records to the sleek, new electronic system. There is the slight risk of electronic tampering, but our security systems are more than capable."

*2. "Now, hold on a second. What about us?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the CEO of a national paper supplier. "We might not have the flash of an electronic system, but I'll tell you what we do have: quality customer service. You're saying fires are bad. Well, we hear you loud and clear. Stick with us and not only will we make physical copies of all the files to store in different locales, but I'll get my research team to whip up some fire-resistant paper too. Let's see those IT poindexters do all that!" [Must have private industry]

*3. "Now, hold on a second. What about us?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, State Director of the People's Paper Mills. "We might not have the flash of an electronic system, but I'll tell you what we do have: a trained and eager workforce. You're saying fires are bad. Well, we hear you loud and clear. Stick with us and not only will we make physical copies of all the files to store in different locales, but I'll get my research team to whip up some fire-resistant paper too. Let's see those IT poindexters do all that!" [Must not have private industry]

4. "No, no, no. It's all too dangerous!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, dressed only in a cured @@ANIMAL@@ hide. "Paper can be destroyed by fire or floods, and electronic copies are susceptible to viruses and hackers! There's only one way to truly keep our records safe. We must rerecord them on stone tablets. Fire can't destroy them, and I'd like to see someone hack a piece of granite!"

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#326: Knitters In A Knot Over Police Stitch Up [Tsaraine; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
After a peaceful public knitting class was dispersed by riot police, the citizenry are up in arms at what they perceive as unnecessary police brutality.

The Debate
1."With all due respect, @@LEADER@@, you weren't there, so you don't know the full story", your police chief states candidly. "These thugs were loitering in @@ANIMAL@@ Park brandishing weapons! They were up to something - mark my words! Besides, if it wasn't for our brave police officers, who knows what kind of damage they could have caused. We've got to come down hard on thugs like these and ban groups comprising of three or more people. That'll stop any troublemaking, I'm sure of it!"

2."Weapons? WEAPONS? They were knitting needles you imbecile!" shouts @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, the elderly President of the Polluted Slavery Knitting League, brandishing a pair of pins in the direction of the police chief. "The only thugs in @@ANIMAL@@ Park that day were the riot police - protectors of public safety my royal rump! They fired rubber bullets at us without any warning. Rubber bullets! And I only out of the hospital after getting my hip replacement. You MUST do something about these trigger-happy hooligans. Clearly if they can't tell the difference between criminals and geriatrics they need retraining!"

3."Retraining the entire police force would cost far too much", your financial advisor says quietly, appearing from behind your chair. "That being said, the crazy lady with the woolly hat is right, we do have to do something about this situation. We can't have the police force appear brutal and unruly. What we should do is ban all sorts of dangerous weapons. That way the police force won't have to worry about dangerous thugs with guns, and the public can rest easy knowing the police force won't be able to brutally attack them either. And we can get rid of the riot police too as they clearly won't be needed, which saves us money! Everybody wins!"

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#327: No Rest For The Weary @@ANIMAL@@ [Black and Brindle; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
With the popularity of @@ANIMAL@@ racing in @@NAME@@ booming, the growing number of retired racing @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ being abandoned on the streets has become harder to ignore. As irresistibly cute pictures of sad-looking @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ fill up the pages of newspapers, the time has come for government action.

The Debate
1. "We're overflowing with @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ here!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of the Sunrise @@ANIMAL@@ Retirement Lodge. "And we just don't get enough donations from the public to house them all. We're now facing a choice between turning away @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@, or putting them down. It's the @@ANIMAL@@ racing industry's fault we're in this situation - make them pay for homing the @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ they cast off."

2. "Not far enough!" declares animal-rights protestor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing a @@ANIMAL@@ costume to show her sympathy for their plight. "There's only one reason that @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ get abandoned in the first place, and that reason is @@ANIMAL@@ racing. These poor creatures get cooped up in a cage all day and are virtually starved so they race well, all to line the pockets of some avaricious gambling bosses. The solution is obvious - ban @@ANIMAL@@ racing!"

3. "Hold on! @@NAME@@ has a powerhouse Gambling Industry – do you really want to give it all up because of some @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of the @@CAPITAL@@ @@ANIMAL@@ Stadium. "What we need is less regulation - so we can race the animals more often, and draw more punters in. Besides, the @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ love to race - at least compared to the beatings."

4. "There's a better solution to this all," suggests animal shelter volunteer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, as she fixes a leash to a @@ANIMAL@@. "There is a problem, but it isn't with the @@ANIMAL@@ racing industry; it's that not enough people are adopting @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@. All we need is a national campaign to persuade people to adopt a @@ANIMAL@@ - and you can set them an example!" Handing you a grizzled old @@ANIMAL@@, she finishes, "Here's Buddy."

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#328: Bugged by Lack of Intelligence [Mediterreania; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
A naval frigate from @@NAME@@ was recently ambushed by a rival navy in the international waters of @@REGION@@. Security analysts have admitted that faulty intelligence was to blame and are now insisting that something be done to prevent a situation like this happening again.

The Debate
1."The best way to gain accurate intelligence is when it's in transit," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a communications technician from the @@NAME_INITIALS@@SA, while hunched over a computer. "Think of the information the @@NAME@@ Security Agency could get from telephone calls, emails, radio chatter, even internet browsing history! All we would need are satellites, servers, algorithms, and quality mathematicians to intercept them. It might be costly, but you don't want another embarrassing incident, do you?"

2."We don't need to spend so much money on technology when we can rely on manpower," says Director @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the @@NAME@@ Intelligence Agency, while putting on a pair of black shades. "Can a computer gain a leader's trust? Can a telephone stop a terrorist? We need inside men around every foreign diplomat, general and guerrilla this side of @@REGION@@!"

3."Speaking of inside men…" says an unnamed secret service agent, stepping out of the shadows, "How do we know they haven't infiltrated our intelligence services? Think about it, how else would they know our plans and convoy routes? Spies and insurgents -- now they are the real problem; a problem I can get rid of if you let me launch a secret investigation with, eh, secret results.

4."I know of a cheaper option," says your intern, lifelessly scrolling through whistleblowing site KwikiLeaks. "Why bother spending so much on the intelligence services here, when whistleblowers from others are posting all their information online? You could just set up some 'game rooms' for bored, tech-savvy kids. Make a game out of finding useful electronic intelligence and reward them with pizza or something."

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#329: Military Uniforms Under Scrutiny [Crimsonrayne; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
In response to changing fashion trends amongst the youth of @@NAME@@, new recruits to the military have petitioned the government to update the army's dress code accordingly.

The Debate
1. "Permission to speak, sir?" asks Private Third Class @@RANDOM_NAME@@, saluting you. "Many of us are tired of looking the same, and would like the freedom to express ourselves through our appearance, sir. I mean, sir, it doesn't hurt to let us dye our hair once in a while, does it?"

2. "This is ridiculous!" roars @@RANDOM_NAME@@, shaking his fist at you. "If I tell a soldier to put on pantaloons and a tunic, there's a good reason for it - and I expect to be obeyed without question. And who are these soldiers demanding change anyways? I'd like to see them court-martialed!"

3. "You know," murmurs romantic novelist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, dreamily staring out the window. "A change of uniform might not be too bad. What if we made all our soldiers wear medieval suits of armour? It would sure highlight the chivalry and honour of @@NAME@@'s armed forces."

4. "Actually, battle armour is a great idea!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, representative from Better Future Inc, dumping a bundle of papers on your desk. "Here's our blueprints for the latest battlesuits that we've come up with. Sure it will be costly, but it will make our soldiers invincible!"

[5]. "The solution is not through technology, but through religion," declares zealot @@RANDOM_NAME@@ as she waves a censer under your nose. "Why not make all soldiers fight in the name of @@FAITH@@, and give them priestly robes while they're at it?" [Low Religiousness]

6. "Why make them wear anything?" asks nudist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, standing to attention in your office. "Without clothes to impede them, your soldiers can move faster in battle - and we don't have to waste any more money on uniforms. Besides, all you need is a gun to kill someone, right?"

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#330: Supermarkets Gobbling Up All The Customers? [Fayd; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
The recent boom in the nationwide supermarket Humongo-Mart has brought representatives from local mom and pop stores to your office demanding action be taken.

The Debate
1. "Humongo-Mart is destroying our livelihoods!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the owner of a small butchery, while waving a bloody cleaver. "These chains are over-saturating our cities with ridiculously low prices. I simply can't compete. You need to put a stop to this. We need more regulations dictating where these supermarkets can be."

2. "You've got to be kidding me," scoffs business columnist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You want to punish businesses if they become too successful? They started small just like everyone else. If you regulate or – heaven forbid – ban big business, can you imagine the fallout? Without corporations to compete with, these small shops could gouge their prices. Never mind what capping industry growth would do to the economy. If anything we need less government meddling."

3. "This raises an interesting question," begins amateur philosopher @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Why should we leave an essential commodity such as food up to the whims of profits and greed? The government needs to step in and take control of the food production in this country. You could ensure that every citizen is provided with a well-balanced, healthy meal instead of this overpriced slop. People shouldn't have their health and basic needs held hostage by greedy corporations!"

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#331: Swept Away [Mostly armless; ed: Dustistan, Lenyo]

The Issue
Unusually heavy rainfall this week burst riverbanks and caused flash flooding in @@NAME@@'s low-lying areas. This has sparked much debate on how the state should deal with flood damage.

The Debate
1. "We need help to recover from this horrible flood!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a resident of the flooded zone, trying to stop his hands from shaking. "I've lost everything: my house, cars, yacht. There was no time to recover anything before it was swept away. The government should compensate us for our losses. It wasn't our idea to can the dam project, after all, and if I get no help I'll be without a roof to live under.

2. "At the end of the day, they chose to live in a flood plain. Why should the government pay anything at all to these half-brained idiots?" rants @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a prominent campaigner for lower government spending. "If they want money when there's a flood, they should get insurance and hang the expense. Make them bear the costs of their own lunacy. You don't see ME whining about the whippersnappers that broke one of my windows last fall. Why? Because I paid for insurance!"

3. "These floods should never have happened in the first place," states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a noted architect, with an excited glint in her eye. "They've caused widespread destruction and damage; the repairs will cost millions of @@CURRENCY@@, and this doesn't count the millions more people are asking in compensation. What I propose is that the government invest heavily in massive flood defenses. Dams! Levees! Floodways! Dikes! Dams! Gates! Wall off the seas and lakes! Put flood gates on every river! No, dam them all up! Then build more dams! We'll have no more floods in @@NAME@@!"

4. "You know what? Why don't we use the cheap, easy solution to stop this problem?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, floating past on a makeshift raft. "Just stop people from building on flood plains. If you're not in a floodable area, you can't get flooded. Who's going to complain? A bunch of real-estate developers? Please! Even the environmentalists will be happy, because the land will become some kind of nature reserve."

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#332: Summit Security Spending Stirs Strife [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After @@NAME@@ agreed to host the annual Organization of Really Dominant Economic Regimes (ORDER) summit, opposition parties have slammed the government for planning to spend over a billion Imperial Credits on security alone. They are demanding an explanation.

The Debate
1. Your press secretary speaks on your behalf at a press conference. "In times of terror and uncertainty, it's imperative we take all necessary precautions. After all, @@NAME@@ is playing host to the world and has an obligation to provide top-notch security. A small tax hike to keep us and our allies safe is absolutely worth it. After all, these summits always bring out dangerous anarchists. If we don't arm the police for the worst, a world leader could get shot!"

2. "A billion @@CURRENCY@@ on security? Outrageous!" exclaims seasoned and radical protester @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while recovering from the effects of pepper spray. "No previous host spent nearly that much. This is a summit about strengthening the economy. How does blowing a billion @@CURRENCY@@ on this improve the economy? It doesn't! That's money better spent on us, the people! Our tax money should be going to teaching our children better math skills, not buying another taser!

*3. "What if I told you that you could still have this summit without spending billions or starting riots?" states your IT repairwoman, Leroy Stevens, as he reboots your laptop. "Why not use a video chat software to connect with other world leaders? Just find a secure place with a really stable internet connection and voilà! It may not make a good photo-op, but you'll still be able to discuss policy with every other world leader, and it wont cost a cent." [Must have internet]

*4. "What if I told you that you could still have this summit without spending billions or starting riots?" states your cable repairman, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, as @@HE/SHE@@ pulls wires out of your wall. "Why not chat with world leaders over the phone? It may not make a good photo-op, but you'll still be able to discuss policy with every other world leader, and it won't cost a cent." [Must not have internet]

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#333: No Sacrifice, No Sacrifice At All [Emunia; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
After a recent exposé of controversial religious rituals practised by some immigrants from distant, less well-developed countries, @@NAME@@ premier conservative think tank, The Coffee Cabal, has called on the government to regulate these religions and their worship.

The Debate
*1. "These acts are an attack on @@NAME@@'s moral fiber!" stresses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the investigative reporter responsible for the exposé. "There are just some things that freedom of religion shouldn't cover, and that includes ritual sacrifice, the harming of children or animals, or hell, even really bad choral singing. The government must enact restrictions on religious practices that offend public decency." [Must not have ritual sacrifice]

*2. "These acts are an attack on @@NAME@@'s moral fiber!" stresses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the investigative reporter responsible for the exposé. "There are just some things that freedom of religion shouldn't cover, and that includes ritual sacrifice, the harming of children or animals, or hell, even really bad choral singing. The government must enact restrictions on religious practices that offend public decency." [Must have ritual sacrifice]

3. "Dancing blindfolded around cucumbers while carrying wailing children on our heads is a custom that dates back millennia in our culture", explains @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a High Priest of one of the under-fire religions. "The freedom to practice our religion played a large part in our relocation to @@NAME@@. The government must preserve our right to our culture and religion, even if the majority of people find them disturbing. Haven't you heard of tyranny by the majority? A religious exemption should be made for all the laws of @@NAME@@ to ensure our freedom."

4. "This is a dangerous discussion," writes @@RANDOM_NAME@@ in her popular online journal, 'Religious Watchblog'. "If we allow a religious exemption to any law, offences like religiously motivated terrorism would be permitted. It's insane. I could live with allowing religious schools to decide whether or not to teach evolution, but allowing people of faith to exist outside the law is ludicrous. The government should create a ministry that considers whether or not religious practices are compatible with the nation's ethos."

5. "Once again, only I have the guts to call a problem by its real name," says right-wing radio host @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Everyone else is too afraid to point out the real problem here, and it's very simple; these immigrants and their brutish religions are antithetical to the basic, founding principles of @@NAME@@. They don't belong here, pure and simple. From now on, people who don't belong to a major religion should not be allowed in this country."

6. "The real problem isn't immigration, it's religion," announces prominent far-left politician @RANDOM_NAME@@ "Yes, the practices outlined in those articles are horrifying, but they're no more horrifying than the religious practices the people of @@NAME@@ have been undertaking since time immemorial. It's time we recognized that, as a forward-thinking people, we can no longer afford to allow the practice of any religion."

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#334: Blot Out Bauhaus? [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Following his purchase of a large plot of land in the middle of @@CAPITAL@@, Samuel Dada, the heir to a fortune made on the back of the @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ industry, has begun his conversion of the property into a vast and unusual mansion. Busybodies are in an uproar at the design, however, which they claim is everything from "out of social context" and "bizarre" to "just plain ugly".

The Debate
1. "This monstrosity must be torn down immediately!" claims local harridan and book-club member, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The trees in the garden spell a frightening word from the balcony; and the tower looks like a - a - well, you know! Mr. Dada's mansion may be his own, but the government must intervene in the name of taste and common decency. There should be a licensing organisation to approve all future renovations of buildings, lest we be plagued by these architectural abominations."

*2. "Come on... it's my house, fer chrissakes," bemoans Mr. Dada, lounging on a sun-deck outside his home, elaborate cocktail and trophy-wife close by. "Surely I can do what I like to my own stuff? Like that time I painted my third car violet - that was cool, wasn't it? Don't you just hate it when someone bumbles over - I bet you know just what I mean - and starts tellin' you what to do? Man, I hate that. So, look, right, let's just go inside, have a drink, and forget this whole thing ever happened." [Must allow cars]

*3. “Come on... it’s my house, fer chrissakes,” bemoans Mr. Dada, lounging on a sun-deck outside his home, elaborate cocktail and trophy-wife close by. “Surely I can do what I like to my own stuff? Like that time I painted all my bicycles violet — that was cool, wasn’t it? Don’t you just hate it when someone bumbles over — I bet you know just what I mean — and starts tellin’ you what to do? Man, I hate that. So, look, right, let’s just go inside, have a drink, and forget this whole thing ever happened.” [Must ban cars]

4. "Why is this even a national debate?" asks obviously strung-out and possibly hungover bureaucrat, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, mumbling, "It's just a waste of time... Look. Whatever you do, you're going to be unpopular. Why don't you just dodge the bullet? Let local authorities decide - and even decide if it's their job to decide. That way you don't annoy anyone, and, hey, I'm sure there's some bunch of local government advocates who'll love you for it. Now. Can I go home? Please?"

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#335: Log us Back On [Turtleshroom; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A crowd of nerds, bored of isolated consoles, demand that you reconnect @@NAME@@ to the Internet, so that they may once again explore a world of knowledge, view porn, play their favorite nation simulator, and watch some more porn.

The Debate
1. "A man can only do so much with a non-connected personal computer," laments @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a pale, bespectacled nerd clutching his laptop. "I'm sick and tired of solitaire, word processing, and re-organizing my desktop icons. I need engagement! I need entertainment! I need to watch p— I mean... I craaave the knowledge the web gives me! @@LEADER@@, give us back the Internet!"

2. "Now wait just a damn minute," scolds local librarian @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while smacking you on the hand with a ruler. "This ban has done wonders for @@NAME@@'s literacy rate. Kids are reading for enjoyment again. If you give them back the Internet, that all goes out the window. And for what? Lolcats? I implore you, for the sake of our children; invest in their education and keep the Internet out of @@NAME@@."

3. "We already sent that evil series of tubes out of our glorious nation; now it's that devil machine's turn!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a particularly troubled backwoods preacher. "Go all the way and ban computers completely! We must return to simpler times for the sake of our future! To heck with productivity, do this NOW!"

*4. "No! You mustn't!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Maxcom Software. "If you reconnect @@NAME@@ or ban computers, our local software market will collapse! We simply cannot compete with the global market. We need to take their minds off of the Web. Now, the only reason these people are clamoring for the Web is because they're bored with what a single PC can do. What we need to do is make it more FUN! If you subsidize local software companies, we'll churn out top-notch, locally produced software that'll make people forget all about the Internet." [Must have private industry]

*5. "No! You mustn't!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, editor of an old-school photocopier-and-stapler retro-games fanzine. "If you reconnect @@NAME@@ or ban computers, we'll lose our unique 8-bit heritage! We simply cannot compete with the global market. We need to take their minds off of the Web. Now, the only reason these people are clamoring for the Web is because they're bored with what a single PC can do. What we need to do is make it more FUN! If you create state programming collectives, we can churn out top-notch, locally produced retro games that'll make people forget all about the Internet." [Must not have private industry]

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#336: Polygamy Causes Division [Lordieth; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
The court system in @@NAME@@ has ground to a halt since the record-breaking divorce case of serial-polygamist Matt Trimony, who has decided to divorce all 47 of his wives simultaneously. The case has become so lengthy and complex that lawyer-filled encampments have sprung up outside the building, preventing any new cases from being processed.

The Debate
1. "The courts just can't cope with the strain," warns @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your trusted legal advisor. "Divorce cases have become so complex that lawyers now have to take courses in complex mathematics just to settle property disputes! If this continues any longer, our legal system is going to collapse. The best solution would be to make prenuptial agreements mandatory for all new marriages. That would free up the courts from dealing with complex property disputes once and for all."

*2. "This is sacrilege!" exclaims Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@, bursting into your office without warning. "It was a mistake to legalize polygamy to begin with! It's made a mockery of the sanctity of marriage. I implore the government to repeal this perversion of matrimony and make polygamy illegal throughout @@NAME@@ - if not for the sake of the families it has torn apart, then for their very souls under the eyes of our great Lord." [Must not ban religions]

*3. "This is a nightmare!" exclaims family counselor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, bursting into your office without warning. "It was a mistake to legalize polygamy to begin with! It's made a mockery of the very idea of marriage. I implore the government to repeal this perversion of matrimony and make polygamy illegal throughout @@NAME@@ - if not for the sake of the families it has torn apart, then for the children who don't even know which of their two dozen mommies is truly theirs!" [Must ban religions]

4. "I've got a better idea," claims renowned TV critic @@RANDOM_NAME@@, sprawling paperwork across your desk. "You want to keep polygamy legal, but don't want to pay through the nose in legal fees, right? Why not broadcast the divorce proceedings live across @@REGION@@? Think of the drama! Think of the viewing figures! Just sign here on the dotted line, and the studio will cover all the expenses." She forces a pen into your hand.

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#337: Doctors Crossing Borders? [Whiskey hill; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
In response to an increasing number of people without adequate health care in @@NAME@@, a neighbouring nation within @@REGION@@ has publicly sought permission to establish free health clinics.

The Debate
1. "Well isn't this quite the blessing!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your chief economic advisers. "Not only does foreign money come into our economy, those darned socialists will stop complaining about how badly the poor are suffering. Best of all, we don't even have to spend a single @@CURRENCY@@ on it! We could even charge an establishment fee for each clinic and help ourselves to the proceeds."

2. "How dare those bleeding heart foreigners make us look like a Third World Nation!" declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the maintenance man in your office as he fixes your mini-bar. "They want to waltz on into OUR COUNTRY and make US look like the bad guys, just so they can have the spotlight. They don't actually care about the poor! Speaking of the poor, if they don't have to pay for things like health care then what incentive is there to find work? It's just reinforcing the culture of dependency and laziness that exists among some in the working class. Charity should just be banned, frankly; if you didn't work for it, you don't deserve it."

3. "We can't allow ourselves to be shamed like this in front of the global community, or our own people for that matter", your bedraggled Minister for Health tells you. "We should take this as a sign that it's finally time for us to devote resources to the health budget and establish a universal health care system. It may be costly in the beginning but it'll save us much in the long run, and not just in terms of @@CURRENCY@@ - think of how much face we'll save in the international community by implementing this instead of asking others to do it for us. I can't see a loss to this!"

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#338: The Silence and the Fury [The golden koko; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A large, silent mass of people have staged a sit-in around the government buildings in @@CAPITAL@@ to protest noise pollution.

The Debate
1. The leader of the protest, Sy Lance, slips a handwritten letter across your desk. It reads: "The noise level in this city has become simply unbearable. I cannot walk down the street without having my delicate auditory faculties assaulted! For the sake of the nation's hearing, you must enact stricter noise pollution laws. I implore you!"

2. "WHAT?! YOU WANT TO BAN NOISE?! WELL, SOME OF US AREN'T OVERSENSITIVE! WE LIKE NOISE!" bellows a local construction worker. "I DON'T BUST MY HUMP WORKING DAY IN AND DAY OUT JUST TO HAVE THESE SISSIES TELL ME I NEED TO KEEP IT DOWN! WE DEMAND THE RIGHT TO MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS WE WANT, WHATEVER THE TIME, WHEREVER THE PLACE!"

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#339: The Bear Necessities [Sovietiya; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
"Planning for the People," a popular new movement, has been holding protests all over the country after a recent crisis where the Economic Planning Committee accidentally sent 10 tonnes of teddy bears to a small town in dire need of wheat.

The Debate
1. "This has gone on long enough!" shouts the leader of the protest, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "While I am a patriot of our glorious @@TYPE@@, things are far from perfect. No-one wants to return our economy to capitalist exploitation, but something must be done about the bureaucratic mess that our country is in! Comrades, instead of centralized planning, we can have a democratically-controlled regionally-devolved economy! Finally we can achieve the socialist dream of workers' power!"

2. "This is utter madness!" seethes @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your most trusted economic planners. "The country would be in ruins without our central planning! Who ensures that everything runs smoothly? Sure we mess up sometimes, but hey, we are only human. Besides, we intended to send that town teddy bears. Hmm... yeah, we did intend it! Those teddy bears are edible, you know?"

3. "More socialism? Have you all gone mad?" fumes foreign @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ tycoon @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose face is now turning blue with rage. "Violet save me! Your government has no business telling people like me how to run OUR businesses! The only real way to rebuild your anemic economy is to bring back capitalism. Some free market shock therapy would do @@NAME@@ wonders."

by **Valentine Z** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#340: Defending Patent Pending [Panageadom; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
Pear Industries, one of @@NAME@@'s largest consumer electronics companies, wishes to bring a lawsuit against a small technology firm for making use of a piece of electronics they developed. The smaller firm is imploring the government to maintain its recent anti-copyright laws, which they claim legally extend to patents.

The Debate
1. "Patents are simply a tool for large companies to abuse entrepreneurs and the consumer!" argues small-time inventor and part-time champagne socialist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They use their huge legal departments to muscle out any smaller company that might 'pose a threat'. The government's ban of patents gave us all access to the advances those fat-cats have been sitting on all these years. You want to throw that all away so some guy can add a few more zeros to the end of his bank account?"

2. "My team poured years of research and millions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ into developing this component," claims Pear's dressed-down CEO, Steve Tasks. "It's our blood, sweat and tears that led to this breakthrough. You must allow companies greater claim over their discoveries. We need patents. We need copyrights. They are the incentive that keeps inventors inventing. Reinstate patents and copyrights or @@NAME@@'s research will come to a stand-still and our country a technological backwater devoid of any semblance of innovation."

3. "The only thing that's clear from this is that SCIENCE isn't getting enough funding," grumbles eminent, if notoriously disaffected, physicist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The only reason we have to spend so much effort protecting our discoveries is because we're so worried about where our next paycheck is coming from. If the government opened up its coffers to eager scientists, this whole debate would simply go away. Not to mention that government could lay claim to any particularly intriguing discoveries..."

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#341: Where in the Woods is Cindy SanFrancisco? [Ignorent Peeple; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
After their daughter wandered off into the woods behind her house, a pair of teary-eyed parents interrupts one of your meetings, beseeching you to step up the rescue effort.

The Debate
1. "She's only t-t-three years old!" sobs the lost girl's mother. "She'll never make it out there in the wilderness all alone. She's going to d- d- d-" Her husband steps in as she breaks down in tears: "Please, you have to do something! There aren't enough rescue workers out there. You need to hire more or divert them from other areas or something! What's more important than a child's safety?"

2. "Hmph!" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your miffed financial advisor. "The nerve of some people! Do you really want to squander all that money on one kid? If you're stupid enough to walk off into the forest all by yourself, maybe you shouldn't make it to adulthood to have your own stupid kids. Survival of the fittest never hurt anyone – anyone worthwhile that is. We need to get rid of this unnecessary safety net. No more rescue teams. Then maybe parents will actually watch their moron kids."

*[3]. "Search teams are just too inefficient," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Eye See You Surveillance. "Thousands of citizens searching high and low with no promise of success. Now what we need to do is implant GPS tracking devices into all citizens. Think about it! No more lost kids, no more fugitives, no more alibis. No need to ask where you were on the night of February 7th. We already know." [Must have private industry; Must have Internet; Computers are legal]

*[4]. "Search teams are just too inefficient," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of the Committee of State Security. "Thousands of citizens searching high and low with no promise of success. Now what we need to do is implant GPS tracking devices into all citizens. Think about it! No more lost kids, no more fugitives, no more alibis. No need to ask where you were on the night of February 7th. We already know." [Must not have private industry; Must have Internet; Computers are legal]

5. "Yer all missin' the heart o' matter," barks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a burly, crosscut-saw wielding lumberjack. "The problem isn't these lil' rascals gettin' lost; it's what they're gettin' lost in. If we chop down those damned woods, well then there won't be anythin' to get lost in, now will there? You give me and my team the OK, and we'll make those wooded deathtraps a thing o' the past!"

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#342: This Land Was Made For You And Me [Luna Amore; ed: Kryozerkia]

The Issue
A recent government report revealed that @@NAME@@ is running out of land for its expanding population. An emergency meeting of your advisors has been called to decide the best course of action.

The Debate
1. "The solution is simple and something we should have been doing all along," states your Minister of the Environment, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "We have acres upon acres of land that is tied up in landfills. If we compost, compress, recycle, we can use the newly-cleaned land to build eco-friendly housing developments. Yes, it'll require a lot of funding, and there's bound to be at least a little residual smell. People won't be happy about it, but I guarantee they'll be a damn sight happier than they'd be on the streets!"

2. "Of course the enviro-nutjob wants to clean up the landfills, but that's not the issue!" says your Minister of Finance, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Why spend all that money fixing up land that already has a purpose when we've got plenty of worthless national parks? We could start construction sooner, get people moved in sooner, and fix this problem sooner. We could even use the resources in the parks to furnish the houses. It'd give our timber industry a much needed boost. I'm sure the hippies will moan about how that'll destroy a bunch of 'delicate habitats', but it's simply progress, @@LEADER@@."

*3. "You're all not thinking this through!" yells the CEO of Yellowcake Depot, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We've still got plenty of land. We've only used the top of it after all. Let's expand our cities underground. Look at the perks: there's plenty of space, they'll naturally stay at a steady temperature, and – most importantly – think of all the untapped uranium ore down there! Talk about an economic boom! Sure, people might get a little depressed without the sun and there's always a slight risk of a cave in, but we'll send down shrinks, sun lamps and throw up a few extra buttresses to be safe." [Must have private industry]

*4. "You're all not thinking this through!" yells Comrade @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wiping coal dust from @@HIS@@ honest working-class face. "We've still got plenty of land. We've only used the top of it after all. Let's expand our cities underground. Look at the perks: there's plenty of space, they'll naturally stay at a steady temperature, and – most importantly – think of all the untapped uranium ore down there! Talk about an economic boom! Sure, people might get a little depressed without the sun and there's always a slight risk of a cave in, but we'll send down shrinks, sun lamps and throw up a few extra buttresses to be safe." [Must not have private industry]

5. "I have a much, much more palatable solution," assures your Minister of Internal Expansion, rubbing his hands together greedily. "Let's expand our coasts. How do we do that you ask? Simple, we reclaim it from the surrounding seas. All we need to do is build levees and dikes and pump out the water. It'll take some serious desalinization and a constant, reliable power source to accomplish, but it'll be worth it in the long run."

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#343: Brother, Can You Spare A Dime? [New Andram; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Since the minting of pennies is twice as costly as the coin's stated value, the idea of removing the smallest fractions of the @@CURRENCY@@ has been brought to your attention.

The Debate
1. "We are wasting MILLIONS of @@CURRENCY@@ on minting pennies!" raves an unusually passionate policy advocate, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while handing out 'Penny Dreadful' t-shirts to all your staff. "And all so people have to waste time scrambling through their purses and wallets just to dig out one hundredth of a @@CURRENCY@@. Many nations in @@REGION@@ have already abolished their most worthless coins. It's time for @@NAME@@ to follow suit."

2. "That flies in the face of all our time-honored traditions," counters another advocate, this one bedecked in full period dress. "Our favorite national hero is portrayed on the storied one-cent coin, so it would be unpatriotic to discard the penny as worthless scrap. Especially since pennies lower prices slightly for the poorest of the poor. Very, very slightly."

[3]. "Actually, I think it's high time we got rid of physical currency altogether," says the president of the Chamber of Commerce, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, flanked by officials from various security agencies. "We should just digitize all money. People spend more when they don't see themselves physically handing over cash, and the benefits to tracking terrorists and other subversives are obvious. That sounds like a solid win-win to me." [Must have computers AND Must have internet]

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#344: Trash Talk [Luna Amore; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After massive trash heaps overflowed onto one of @@CAPITAL@@'s busiest intersections, causing traffic to grind to a halt for ten hours, many have agreed that the nation's litter problem is out of control. In response, representatives from the Society for the Prettying Up of @@NAME@@ have come to your office proposing a nationwide beautification campaign to pick it all up.

The Debate
1. "Our wonderful country is being buried by this refuse!" wails SPU@@NAME_INITIALS@@ President @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "It's simply a disgrace! We need funding and able-bodied men and women to stage a monthly clean-up of our once-treasured land. We'd pick up litter, plant trees, touch up the paint on the old courthouse – we'd polish up the whole country! As an incentive, participants could receive a small stipend."

[2]. "Now why on Earth should hard-working citizens do this?" asks the Warden of @@CAPITAL@@ Penitentiary, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We've got plenty of worthless criminals sitting around with their thumbs up their butts. Give these scum something worthwhile to do. They'll get to pay off their debt to society by helping clean it up!" [Must have prisons]

*3. "It's not enough to just clean it up," asserts the CEO of Showers of Flowers. "We need a massive project to show @@REGION@@ how proud of our country we truly are. With a whole lot of government funds, my company could build the Hanging Gardens of @@CAPITAL@@. Picture it now: flowing vines down the walls, blooming daisies, baskets of chrysanthemums, thousands upon thousands of tourists. Think of the pride. Think of the money." [Must have private industry]

*4. "It's not enough to just clean it up," asserts citizen gardener Sierra Trevelyan. "We need a massive project to show @@REGION@@ how proud of our country we truly are. With a whole lot of government funds, communes could build the Hanging Gardens of @@CAPITAL@@. Picture it now: wreaths of wheat and corn, crimson red flowers, hammer-and-sickle designs, thousands upon thousands of noble workers singing the praises of the Party. Think of the civic pride. Think of the propaganda value." [Must not have private industry]

5. "Why are we wasting our time with this nonsense?" asks infamous miser @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "All this hullabaloo over a little trash. Here's a news flash: there's always going to be trash! A bunch of hippies prancing around on the government's dime ain't gonna change that! You should know better than to spend our tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ on such frivolous endeavors. Why don't you beautify our wallets instead and give us a tax break?"

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#345: Mayors Behaving Badly [Nation of Quebec; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
Many of @@NAME@@'s mayors have been getting into hot water in recent months; with allegations ranging from racist commentary to substance abuse, international media are having a field day on highlighting problems in @@NAME@@'s devolved governments. Concerned citizens are now wondering if higher levels of government should step in and take over city management.

The Debate
1. "Something has to be done," demands @@NAME@@ City Hall staffer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "@@NAME@@ City municipal hall is a mess with these constant scandals. The town has basically come to a standstill. It's clear that the national government needs to take over and weed out the corruption infesting the administration. This is having a real impact on our lives - there's a malfunctioning traffic light on my morning commute to work that's giving me hell for goodness sake!"

2. "The government can barely manage their own house and they want to take over mine?" scoffs @@NAME@@ City's controversial mayor on a local radio show. "I've run a fantastic city. I don't want to toot my own horn here but I'm the best mayor this city has ever had! These allegations are nothing more than media witch-hunts designed to take me down. Until such a time that these scurrilous accusations have been proven to be true, I say it's business as usual at city hall."

3. "What's the point of even having the rule of law if our politicians are just going to ignore it?" asks anti-corruption lawyer @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while going through your tax returns. "We need tougher laws and more judges with the gall to enforce them. Even the slightest infraction should result in the immediate dismissal of the mayor. It'll probably mean more elections, but it's worth it if it means that the citizenry continue to trust devolved government."

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#346: Oils Well That Ends Well [Jarethania; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
An offshore oil rig exploded spewing millions of barrels of petroleum into the South @@ANIMAL@@ Sea.

The Debate
1. "These oil companies must be held accountable for their reckless negligence!" yells environmentalist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while scrubbing the oil off a dolphin. "We cannot let this environmental catastrophe continue! We must stop the oil spewage and restore the environment to its former glory! And as for those greedy fat cats who caused this mess, they should foot the cleanup bill!"

2. "Woah, woah... let's not demonize the oil companies. It's not like they want these spills to happen," cautions @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an investor in DrillBabyDrill Fund Management. "Think of what punitive measures would do to the economy. It's an unfortunate situation, to be sure, but do we really want to put one of @@NAME@@'s corporate stars out of business? That will only hurt us all. Let the government take care of the cleanup, like usual."

3. "Those are just short-term solutions," says solar engineer @@RANDOM_NAME@@ with a distant look in her eye. "We should do everything we can to stop this leak AND invest in alternative energy. Who needs limited fossil fuels when you have solar, wind, and geothermal power? Don't you want your children to live in a world free from the oily grasp of big business?"

4. "You're looking at this the wrong way. This isn't a problem; it's a golden opportunity!" says theme park tycoon, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, slicking back his hair as he continues, "Picture this: thousands upon thousands of tourists flocking to @@NAME@@. Why are these people coming in droves, you ask? To see the one, the only Great @@ANIMAL@@ Sea Oil Slick! Throw up a few more platforms, add some roller coasters, a few restaurants, tie it all together with a jolly mascot, and you've turned this unfortunate accident into a lucky break."

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#347: Crime Problems Ganging up on @@NAME@@ [The murtunian tribes; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After a recent spate of drive-by shootings left dozens of bystanders dead, the public is demanding that the government do something to combat the alarming rise in gang-related violence.

The Debate
1. Shock jock @@RANDOM_NAME@@ is outraged - yet again - by the increase in crime. In today's broadcast he railed, "These gangs wage war on our streets, take the lives of innocent civilians, and smuggle contraband into our country! I say they're no different from terrorists and should be treated as such! Give the military a green light, and they'll wipe these thugs from the face of @@NAME@@. It's a drastic measure, but I think a martial curfew is worth it to protect our safety."

2. "Now now, there's no need to be so gung-ho about it," pontificates professor of sociology @@RANDOM_NAME@@ on a "@@CAPITAL@@ Morning!" interview from her luxurious downtown apartment. "Studies show that crime is directly related to poverty levels. These juveniles are just products of the dangerous environment they grow up in. I propose we increase funding to welfare and education to help get these young men off the streets so they can become productive members of society."

3. An unidentified man wearing a bandana around his face and pants twice his size confronts you as you leave the office for the evening. "We don't want you pigs in our hood, bruh." A dozen armed thugs materialize from the shadows. "Why don't you marks just keep out and let us handle our own beef?"

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#348: I Want A Lawyer [Marxist socialismchillville; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
A recent independent review into government expenditure has shown that, compared to other nations in @@REGION@@, @@NAME@@ spends very little on legal aid for impecunious suspects.

The Debate
1. "I ain't supposed to be in this joint!" @@RANDOM_NAME@@ whispers down a contraband phone. "Those loser courts went and decided I did this stupid thing and now I gotsa pay for it. I didn't do it yo! I tried to tell those fools that I was innocent, but the lawyer you hired to fork me over totally showed me up. I ain't got no @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to pay for a brief! Who'd you think I am, Hoprah Pinfry? Damn. You wanna make things right? Get e'rrybody 'ccused of a crime a 'spensive lawyer too. Maybe more innocent peoples won't get sent down."

2. "If you can't afford a lawyer, it's your own fault", lectures blue-collar worker @@RANDOM_NAME@@ on the evening news. "It's not my problem if they don't have the money or if they didn't go to law school. If you can't afford a lawyer, then don't break the law. Everything has consequences! Imagine the tax burden it would put on us hard-working individuals. Actually, instead of spending money on this ridiculous notion, I'd much prefer @@LEADER@@ to give us a tax break."

3. "Hmm. Now that's a good idea", says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your education advisor, with a gleam in his eye. "If everybody goes to law school then we won't need to pay for everyone to have a lawyer - they can represent themselves! We should make legal studies a core part of the curriculum, and give some incentives for people to do at least one year of law school. That way if you end up in court, you should be able to defend yourself with no problem at all."

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#349: Bigtopian Bigwigs Beset Border [Koomu; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
Following a bitter civil-conflict in Bigtopia that led to the overthrow of a dictatorial regime, leading officials from the deposed government are seeking refuge in @@NAME@@. The new Bigtopian government is accusing these people of war crimes, and has demanded their extradition.

The Debate
1. Your Minister for Foreign Affairs, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, echoes the pleas of the international community, "These individuals are responsible for decades of oppression, the genocide of millions of Bigtopians, and horrific war crimes - their leader isn't called 'The Butcher of Bigtopia' for his carving skills! We can't just step aside and neglect our duties to their victims. These men must face justice in Bigtopia, whatever their fate."

2. "I vehemently disagree," says defence lawyer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, running a comb through his hair and handing you his business card. "Now is not the time for hasty action. Bigtopia is not a stable state yet - send these people back and you're throwing them to the mob. They've committed no crime in @@NAME@@, and they've come here for our help. Show some decency, and let them stay!"

3. "I have an idea," interjects Wernher von Grun from the Department of Defence. "Amongst these refugees are several top Bigtopian scientists. They may have carried out some terrible experiments with WMDs, but can we really afford to lose their expertise? Let them join our team at the Hexagon, and we'll develop weapons the envy of @@REGION@@. After all, once the missiles go up, who cares where they came from?"

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#350: Queasy Cuisine [Avlain; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
After @@NAME@@'s cuisine was rated dead last in a survey conducted by the world's best taste-testers, offended gastronomists have demanded a "national dish" to champion the country's food culture.

The Debate
1. "C'est terrible" bemoans Head Chef @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the Saveloy Grande Hotel. "Too many youngsters are eating zis awful fast food. Ze government must encourage haute cuisine to demonstrate to ze world that @@NAME@@ is a country of beauty, love, and fine cooking. I suggest sautéed escargots avec garlic butter. Here - try one. Bon appétit!"

2. "What's wrong with fast food?" asks acned MaxiDonalds server @@RANDOM_NAME@@ as he scratches his nose. "Get a Maxi-sized triple cheeseburger and fries with soda for just five Units. Quick, cheap and tasty - that's why our customers love us. Next please!"

3. "Mornin'" calls out farmer @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leading a cow into your office. "What do we care if some parboiled foreigners don't like our food? There's nothing better than good old-fashioned @@NAME@@-grown produce, cooked just the way me ol' ma would." Drawing a stun-gun and a cleaver from his dungarees, he continues, "Fancy a steak?"

4. "A good serving of sprouts is all I ever needed to grow up strong and healthy" says school dinner-lady @@RANDOM_NAME@@. Dolloping a mound of grey slop onto your plate, she continues, "Mashed cauliflower. The kids love it, and there's nothing better for growing the hair on your chest. Now eat it all up!"

5. A rancid stench precedes @@RANDOM_NAME@@ who slaps a foul-smelling plate of decayed @@NAME@@n Wolf liver diced with broiled asparagus and fermented pig's milk on your desk. "Some may call our customary food 'not with the times' or even 'nauseating', but what do they know? Show your love for @@NAME@@'s culinary heritage, and tuck in."

6. "There, there" soothes your PA @@RANDOM_NAME@@, proffering a bucket. "Our cuisine could use work, but there's so many dishes we'd have to fix… Oh, I know! You can't go wrong with pasta. Why not have everyone eat pasta? Only pasta." A plate of linguine appears on your desk.

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#351: The Cost of Freedom [Waideland; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After a highly publicized arrest, in which one of the nation's wealthiest celebrities was detained for assaulting two of her servants with a priceless Fabergé egg, some of @@NAME@@'s rich have begun demanding the right to avoid prison terms by paying off their victims.

The Debate
1. "It makes, like, no sense for someone like ME to be stuck here for three WHOLE DAYS," whines Clarrisse Milton during a jail cell interview, only after dimming the lights and getting earplugs for her hangover. "And the trial hasn't even STARTED. My daddy has PLENTY of money and, like, nothing better to spend it on. He could just give a few million @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to the victims' families and, um... like, the government. That's fair, right?"

2. "You've got to be kidding me!" bellows @@NAME@@'s Attorney General, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, angrily pounding his fist on your desk. "No one should be above the law, no matter how much money they have! It's bad enough that they can hire some shyster lawyer to get them off on a technicality most of the time. As a matter of fact, we should make the rich use public defenders. It's only fair considering everyone else is stuck with them. You know what, just expand the entire public defenders' office while you're at it."

3. "Instead of wasting money on prisons for violent criminals, I could take care of your problem," suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, @@NAME@@'s wealthiest psychopath, while polishing a rifle. "I'm an unrivaled hunter, but with animals there's no challenge for an expert such as myself. If you sent prey to my island estate, I'd be willing to throw a few electrons the government's way. You save money; I take care of the scum in your penal system. Sounds like a win-win to me."

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#352: Going Off The Rails [Milograd; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
With suicide-by-train incidents in @@NAME@@'s stations becoming increasingly common, commuters and rail companies are growing irritated by the impact that this has had on their day-to-day activities.

The Debate
*1. "We need to be compensated for the monetary losses that these suicides have caused us", the CEO of your nation's largest rail company states frankly. "These incidents are inconvenient, and handling them requires a lot of time and effort; and time is, of course, money. It's not right that these people get away with disrupting our business, as well as our customers' commutes. I humbly suggest that their families should be required to compensate us on their behalf. It's only fair." [Must have private industry]

*2. "Someone must be blamed for the loss of industrial efficiency that these suicides have caused us," the Director of the State Railways comments frankly. "These incidents are inconvenient, and handling them requires a lot of time and effort; and time is, of course, money. It's not right that these people get away with disrupting state productivity, as well as the travel arrangements of our toiling workers. I humbly suggest that their families should be held accountable, and arrested. It's only fair." [Must not have private industry]

3. "I have places to go and things to do", an angry commuter vents in an interview with @@CAPITAL@@ News, which is playing on your office's television. "These lunatics keep forcing train delays, and that means that I can't get to work on time. My boss is absolutely irate! Look, the government should stick cowcatchers on the trains, then the body parts can just be pushed out of the way. No more delays."

4. "People who try to kill themselves shouldn't be punished for being ill, and neither should the families of victims of suicide", your Minister of Health, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, entreats passionately. "Being suicidal is often a sign of mental illness or depression, and our government mustn't stoop to punishing families for having sick relatives. We ought to focus on suicide prevention rather than hounding these families for money, and we would save a lot of lives through education and extending a helping hand to those who need our support."

5. "I'm getting tired of seeing yellow tape every time I go to take the train in the morning. The atmosphere in stations is getting grimmer by the day", your receptionist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, comments absent-mindedly while handing you some coffee. "I think that you could hit two birds with one stone here if you redecorated the train stations. Suicidal people would be far less likely to take the terrible leap if the stations had pleasant music playing, motivational posters, and psychedelic paint jobs all over their walls. Oh, and maybe some pizza joints in the station too! Everyone loves pizza."

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#353: Broadband Going To The Birds? [Astracarn; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
An IT firm organized an unusual race between a carrier pigeon toting a flash drive and @@NAME@@'s fastest internet provider. The bird easily beat the internet, prompting a debate about internet speeds.

The Debate
1. "This is horribly embarrassing!" cries the pixelated image of popular online vlogger @@RANDOM_NAME@@. Two and a half minutes of buffering later she continues, "Our internet is the slowest in @@REGION@@. Our system needs a massive overhaul. We need to crank it up! Fiber optic connections all across @@NAME@@! Imagine the increase in productivity. Imagine how much more connected we'll all be. It'll be well worth the cost, @@LEADER@@."

2. "You've got to be joking!" scoffs your Minister of Finance, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The government have far more important problems at hand than dealing with trivial matters such as the internet speed. The people of @@NAME@@ have access to the internet. That's far better than most of the world. Leave the internet providers to run themselves and get back to the business of running the country."

3. "Well, this certainly is eye-opening," exclaims amateur birdwatcher, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, with a pair of binoculars dangling from his neck. "Here we are mucking about with our inefficient technology and the birds have us beat! Clearly we need to convert all our inefficient internet into bird-based-broadband! We'll need flocks upon flocks of pigeons and a tight training schedule, but we can do it."

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#354: Subversive Shortwaves [The Grand Dilligaf; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Radio Free @@NAME@@ - operating out of neighboring Bigtopia - has been broadcasting subversive views throughout @@NAME@@. Government hard-liners, outraged by the station's ideology, have demanded that something now be done.

The Debate
1. "This cannot stand!" barks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the Armed Forces. "Bigtopia has always tried to undermine us, and allowing known rabble-rousers to broadcast their vile propaganda into our nation is just their latest attempt to destabilize our government. Immediate invasion and a blank check for the military would silence this Bigtopian nonsense once and for all."

2. "Excessive and far too expensive," counters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a professor at the @@NAME@@ Institute of Communications Engineering. "The solution is not always bombing or occupation. After all, our main targets are their radio stations. A powerful transmitter to jam the frequencies they broadcast on will prevent anyone from listening. It just so happens I have the blueprints for such a device with me. Sure, it won't be cheap, but it will cost far less than a prolonged military campaign."

3. "I think my esteemed colleagues are putting the cart before the horse," says a shifty character from Overseas Intelligence. "It would be much more effective if there were no dissidents willing to broadcast in the first place. My people are in place; just give the word and we can silence this station within a week. Along with every other unpatriotic muckraker we can track down, of course."

4. "I can't believe what I'm hearing," gasps @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a social policy adviser. "Dissent is an essential part of the political process. How are we to know what we are doing wrong if we don't listen to our critics? Sure some of them have extreme opinions, but it's our responsibility to build bridges and understand why they feel so disenfranchised that they felt they had to leave in the first place. I suggest initiating a government-funded study to identify the root of the problem, followed by training for all government employees to ensure none of our population feels this way again."

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#355: Alien Invaders [Ignorent peeple; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A spectre is haunting @@NAME@@ — the spectre of the Woodeating Spikeball. With scenic parks ravaged by this invasive species, citizens are clamoring at your door to advise you.

The Debate
1. "The ecosystem is in great peril," claims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an importer of exotic pets. "These Woodeating Spikeballs have no natural predators here. But there is a solution: back in their native Maxtopia, these pests are kept in check by the Sabre-toothed @@ANIMAL@@. We have to introduce these animals into our forests before it's too late. And you know, since I'm such a nice guy, I'll cut you a deal on the @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@."

2. "You can't stop one invasive species by introducing another," scoffs avid hunter @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while skinning several rabbits on your desk. "Just give out hunting permits for these Spikeballs, and we'll have the population under control in no time. You know what, might as well extend hunting and fishing seasons for other animals too. I've been itching to bag myself a Giant Lilliputian Rabbit."

[3]. "We shouldn't be left at the mercy of our citizens," counsels gendarme @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while barely suppressing his hatred for animals. "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Let's send out our boys in blue to go hunt down these vermin." Frothing rabidly, he finishes, "That way we can be sure every last one of those mangy, stinking, filth-ridden pests is dead!" [Must have a police force]

4. "So what if these Spikeballs are eating all the trees?" says thoroughly apathetic citizen @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Nature got along fine for millions of years before we came into the picture. Just let survival of the fittest run its course. Sure, we might lose a few species or ecosystems along the way, but at least we'll save some money. Forests are really boring, anyway."

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#356: @@NAME@@ In The Time Of Cholera [Wonnie; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Reports of cholera deaths have skyrocketed due to the sewage contaminating @@NAME@@'s rivers.

The Debate
1. "People are dropping like flies out here!" cries Doctor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose disheveled appearance suggests that the flies are actually doing quite well. "This is all the fault of the corrupt, uncaring sewage companies that dump waste into our rivers. We need to enforce harsher environmental regulations and make them pay to clean up the mess they created!"

2. "We don't pump our water from the sea," suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, night shift manager at @@NAME@@ Water & Utility. "Why not just put our waste on barges and dump it far out in international waters? We at @@NAME_INITIALS@@W&U will be pumping nice clean water again, and the waste will never be a problem for anyone but foreigners, so it's win-win."

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#357: Vamos, Mi @@ANIMAL@@! [Octuagesimo Octavo; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
Following the ban on cars, a criminal alliance dominated by Olympic-class sprinters has sprung up, resulting in hundreds of running footwear shops being robbed. @@NAME@@ 's police force has requested that they be allowed to ride @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ as a substitute for their inability to chase these athletic thugs on foot.

The Debate
1. "It's brilliant, if you ask me," says portly Police Chief @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while enjoying a doughnut break. "Chasing criminals on foot is so tiresome now that we can't have our cars. If the government allowed Mounties, the entire process would be so much easier. We wouldn't even need to put handcuffs on suspects, since we'd just trample 'em down!"

2. "It's a good idea, but we can solve this using a much more direct approach," muses a tanned off-duty cop. "I mean, why bother with animals when you can still allow cars? I agree cars should be banned for the public, but we policemen need them. Besides, it's MUCH more fun to run over criminals with cars than @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@."

3. "You wimps are a disgrace!" bellows lycra-clad gym instructor @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You don't need cars or @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ to keep up. It's about time someone whipped the lot of you into shape. Give me four hours a day with these pansies and I'll have them catching criminals in no time at all. Now drop and give me twenty!"

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#358: Not Another Teen Pregnancy [Valrifell; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
An investigation into a string of under-aged pregnancies in @@CAPITAL@@ has uncovered a new trend where babies are lauded as the latest 'must-have accessory' for teenage girls. Parents across @@NAME@@ are demanding that the government intervene to put a stop to this emerging fad.

The Debate
1. "Children shouldn't be having children", wails @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a self-described concerned mother, who also happens to be President of the @@CAPITAL@@ Chapter of Concerned @@DENONYM@@ Mothers. "Babies! That's all they are - babies! It's all this government's fault for having such a liberal age of consent. It's encouraging our babies to have sex! It's just terrifying. Please, increase the age of consent. You know in your heart that it's the right thing to do."

*2. "If anything, those Concerned Mothers are the problem!" exclaims your Labor Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I mean, really, the youngsters of today are proving themselves to be excellent parents and quite capable of living with the consequences. @@NAME@@ desperately needs a new generation of @@DEMONYM_NOUN_PLURAL@@ to ensure a steady stream of future workers, so we need to encourage young people to have more children. We should actually decrease the age of consent so even more youth can start families, and of course that means the state should support these new parents with childcare and a small tax credit." [Must not have compulsory military service]

*3. "If anything, those Concerned Mothers are the problem!" exclaims your Defense Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I mean, really, the youngsters of today are proving themselves to be excellent parents and quite capable of living with the consequences. We must increase the national birth rate, or else our conscription numbers will be insufficient for future wars. We should actually decrease the age of consent so even more youth can start families, and of course that means the army should support these new parents with military schools and boot camps to bring up the nation's future soldiers." [Must have compulsory military service]

*4. "I have a better idea", says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of 'Children 4 U' Inc. "How about we ban all forms of sexual conduct and have all newborns neutered? I know it's radical, but people will calm down once they learn that we can create their perfect child. This is the way of the future - Design Your Own Baby! And if the government gets involved, think of the money you'll make back off it. That's a great deal @@LEADER@@, trust me." [Must have private industry]

*5. "I have a better idea," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a bitter and perpetually single minister. "How about we ban all forms of sexual conduct and have all newborns neutered? I know it's radical, but people will calm down once they learn that we can create their perfect child. This is the way of the future - Design Your Own Citizens! The government can create a compliant population of Communist workers, rather than selfish capitalists and young women who always want to date rich businessmen rather than hard working ministers. Anyway... that's a great deal @@LEADER@@, trust me." [Must not have private industry]

[6]. "I think sterilizing the population is a little extreme", your civil service's Chief Medical Officer states candidly. "But we do need to stop these teenage pregnancies, so let's prioritize sex education and free contraceptives. These are teenagers; their hormones are all over the place, and regardless of what we preach about abstinence, they're going to have sex. And for those that get pregnant anyways, free abortion should be available on demand." [Abortion is legal]

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#359: Got Democracy? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
As waves of pro-democracy protests continue in @@REGION@@, with several actually toppling long-standing regimes, your advisers fear the protests could soon hit @@NAME@@. An emergency conference has been called to discuss the looming crisis.

The Debate
1. "We must crack down hard on all rebels who dare to betray our beloved nation!" roars @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the @@NAME@@ State Police. "We must use whatever force is necessary to prevent these protests from happening here. Specifically that means roving death squads and informants monitoring all anti-government activity to shut them down before they revolt. So long as @@LEADER@@ is our ruler, treason shall never go unpunished!"

2. "Atrocities would only give these protesters more motivation to rebel," quickly counters @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Propaganda Minister, while reading through socioeconomic figures. "Some of their complaints are worth looking into, if you don't want the wolves at the gates. Establish large-scale public works projects to lower unemployment and things will be back to normal in no time. We could hire people to build schools and health clinics and repair utilities. These protesters say they want a revolution, but I think you'll find they'll settle for a lot less."

3. "The people are angry and fed up with the system. If you want to stop the protests, you must give them exactly what they want!" dramatically declares a protester who somehow smuggled herself in through a food cart. "The time for real democracy is now!" Between screams of pain, as your bodyguards tackle her to the floor, she finishes, "By any means necessary!"

4. "After disposing of the trespasser, the meeting resumes. "We can't allow TRUE democracy. Do you really think that the people would pick a suitable replacement for you?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your most loyal bodyguard, while sharpening a halberd. "For all we know they'll elect some anarchist with an ax to grind! How about we let them vote, but we only permit reputable Party members to run? That gives the people the right to decide small matters, while making sure that critical issues are left to our Party veterans."

5. "I have an unorthodox way to solve this once and for all," suggests your questionably sane Interior Minister, playing with a chemistry set despite the gravity of the meeting. "Instead of all that 'populism,' why don't we infuse the water supply with, I dunno, sedatives or something?" He grins maniacally. "Imagine how easy it would be to control the citizenry! Put the right drugs in the water, and I'm sure you'd have zero dissidents. Think about it: you could abolish all those superfluous legislatures and make yourself @@NAME@@'s absolute ruler."

by **Valentine Z** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#360: Electile Dysfunction [Christian Democrats; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Stung by an extensive exposé in The @@CAPITAL@@ Tattler of faulty and corrupt elections processes, certain Members of Parliament are loudly demanding that the Electoral Commission of @@NAME@@ revisit the current voting system.

The Debate
1. "What's wrong with a plurality voting system?" rhetorically questions @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Count the votes, and the candidate with the most wins. It's the simplest and cheapest methodology, and it creates a stable two-party system without any radicals wasting Parliament's precious time. What more could you want? And..." the MP leans forward and continues in a hushed tone, "It's the best way to ensure our party stays in power indefinitely."

2. "Our current electoral system needs only a little tweaking," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a member of the Electoral Commission. "Why don't we adopt instant-runoff voting? That way people can vote for their favorite candidates plus their second and third choices without worrying whether they're mainstream enough. We'll need to hire a few more people at the Electoral Commission to tally the rounds of votes, but honestly I don't see that as a problem."

3. "Now is the time to completely overhaul the electoral system!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairperson of a single-issue political party dedicated to legalizing @@ANIMAL@@ wrestling. "We need proportional representation now! If we adopt party-list proportional representation with open lists, political minorities will gain seats relative to the popular vote and actually have a voice. The centrists have dictated government policy for too long; let the political fringes speak!"

4. "You're missing the whole point of democracy," argues a strange woman wearing a toga. "Democracy is about equality! The best system of representation is sortition. Go back to the ancient way of doing things and pick representatives from among the common citizens through allotment. People who run for political office are usually untrustworthy and power-hungry. Randomly-selected citizens will make far better decisions than greedy politicians, even if they're a little incompetent. Lottocracy all the way!"

5. "Or we could just do away with this populist sham," sneers Sir @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, a landed gentleman. "Do the teeming masses really need to complicate our lives? Institute a steep poll tax to keep workers from voting, and we won't be troubled by the greedy plebeians and their insatiable desire for more welfare. Cut the entire welfare budget while you're at it, and respectable people like us can have a nice tax cut."

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#361: @@CAPITAL@@, We Have A Problem [Luna Amore; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
Early this morning, the Space Shuttle Maxcelsior suffered serious damage from an explosion of unknown causes. The @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Aeronautics and Space Administration is divided as to what to do.

The Debate
1. "We're going to take a hit on this no matter what", your Press Secretary moans morosely. "The more news cycles this one takes up, the worse we're going to look. Tell @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE_INITIALS@@ASA to get our boys back on the ground NOW. They're going to whine about pushing safety margins to the limit, but there's always going to be a risk! Those space cowboys knew that when they signed on. We're simply out of options, @@LEADER@@."

2. "We most certainly are not out of options", counters the mission's Flight Director, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We have no idea how much damage that explosion caused. There's a very good chance it blew right through the heat shield. If that happened, and they try to come back without fixing it, they'll be toast. I know for a fact that the military has been working on a quick-launch low-Earth orbiter. If we refit it as a rescue vehicle and launch now, we can have them down safely by the weekend."

3. "Are you out of your mind!?" screams Major General @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while taking a swing at the Flight Director. "That spacecraft is top secret. Want me to slow it down for you? Top. Secret. You want to use it in a high-profile, never before done space rescue? Why don't we mail its damn blueprints to all our enemies! @@LEADER@@, it is imperative that we keep that craft a secret at all costs. God knows what the Bigtopians would do with it. As for the astronauts, let them find their own ride home. We're not the only country with a space program you know."

4. "You reap what you sow", chastises Reverend @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Tell me, what happened when the people of Babel tried to build a tower to God? He destroyed it and punished them. This shuttle is simply a modern day Tower of Babel in spades. You mocked God with your pride, tried to defile his celestial kingdom with your sinful machines, and now you will pay the price. Forget these lost souls, abandon the space program and repent your sins."

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#362: After The Fall [Luna Amore; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
After re-entering the atmosphere yesterday, the Space Shuttle Maxcelsior suffered catastrophic manoeuvring damage and slammed - almost intact - into the coastal city Cape @@NAME@@. The kinetic strike centered on the regional oil depot near the waterfront tourist district; the resulting fireball incinerated huge segments of residential housing. Survivors are looking to you for answers.

The Debate
1. "The city is a warzone!" screams @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the city's Mayor. "Bodies lining the streets, buildings collapsing – it's an inferno! People are clamouring for security and our emergency services are overwhelmed. We could never have prepared for something of this magnitude! There's no hope of rebuilding or maintaining order without government help. @@LEADER@@, you must send all the emergency services and aid you can. People are dying!"

2. "It damn well is a warzone", agrees your top military advisor, General @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We can't send in emergency services until the area is stabilized. We need a strong military presence and fast. Declare martial law over the city and send in a regiment of soldiers. We'll secure the area and get people calmed down. After it's contained to my liking, you can send in civilian aid, but even then my men aren't leaving until that city is on its way to repair."

3. "Woah, hold up a second", interrupts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of @@NAME@@'s Emergency Preparedness Agency while nervously wringing a fire-safety pamphlet. "We don't have a contingency for something this massive. There's far too many variables for us to safely do anything. This city has local services, right? Well, let them handle the brunt of it. After they've cleaned up a bit and once their people have calmed the hell down, then we'll work our way in slowly from the outlying areas. Trust me, President @@RANDOM_NAME@@, this isn't the time to go running around playing hero. The cost in lives and tax @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ would be too high."

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#363: The Apotheosis of @@LEADER@@? [The tovian way; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
A period of unprecedented peace and prosperity in @@NAME@@ has seen your personal approval rate sky-rocket. Recently, a small but growing movement has emerged claiming that these general good times are the result of your divine favour, and are advocating that the people worship you as a god.

The Debate
1. "All hail the glorious @@LEADER@@, giver of safety and wealth!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Prefect of the Cult of Divine Nationalism from atop a wooden crate in @@CAPITAL@@ Grand Plaza. "Are not the might and benevolence of the holy @@LEADER@@ manifest for all to see? Should we not respond in humble worship? Proclaim your divinity before all, O Great One, and your people shall listen!"

2. "This is heresy!" pontificates @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a high-ranking clergywoman of @@RELIGION@@, while proffering a collection plate. "Surely you can't seriously be entertaining delusions of divinity? You would undoubtedly bring divine wrath upon us! I urge you, speak out against these wayward souls and endorse the teachings of our holy writ as the true path to righteousness. Only then can we be assured of continued providence."

3. "Let's not be too hasty now, there may be an opportunity in this," muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your shrewdest political advisors. "Of course you're not divine, we both know that, but is there really any harm in letting these whack-jobs think you are? Nothing begets obedience like the command of one's god, after all. Perhaps a carefully constructed public statement is in order, one that gives legitimacy to these people's beliefs while avoiding claiming divinity outright. Let people read into it what they want, and if they flock to this 'religion' in droves, well, would it really be so terrible if a large percentage of @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ became your devoted disciples?

4. "Bah! Ridiculous gobbledygook, all of it!" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, controversial atheist author of the book 'Atoms in Space and Relations Between Them - An Exhaustive Account of Existence'. "These cultists are no crazier than any other religious types, and have done far less damage than some I might mention. Take this opportunity to disavow all religion as superstitious nonsense, and throw your support behind reason instead. It's the perfect opportunity to end the tax breaks for people with imaginary friends, and funnel that additional money into the areas it can do some real good, like authors of popular science books!"

5. "All hail our glorious @@LEADER@@... or face eternal punishment!" shouts a wide-eyed bearded man in sack cloth waving a greasy tract. "Pay no heed to these sectarians, my liege, they have departed from the way of truth! Only we, of the Cult of Nationalist Divinity, have remained faithful in the face of their slanderous impiety. We know you to be an uncompromising and demanding god, intolerant of all false doctrine. We stand ready to convert the masses to your worship, by force if necessary! Starting, of course, with the insufferable heretics of the Cult of Divine Nationalism!"
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#364: It's UterUs, not UterYou! [Ranbo; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A religious talk show host raised a furor with his call to ban contraception. Women's rights groups have come to you demanding a response.

The Debate
1. "I'm appalled these religious wackos have the gall to even think about banning birth control," @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says to you. "These men are trying to control our bodies. They treat us like we're their own personal baby dispensers — not living, thinking humans. It's demeaning! My body, my choice!"

2. "You aren't going to listen to these pagans," scoffs Archbishop @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Conceiving a child is one of the most enjoyable moments one may ever have in their lives. To deprive yourself of this blessing of God is an abomination! Contraception must be outlawed! It encourages casual sex, and destroys the true meaning of the act. If people are not willing to bear the consequences of their actions, then they should not act at all."

3. "Both sides have rocks in their brains," says proud asexual, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Why don't we just ban sex altogether, and force people to use artificial insemination? That way, we can preview everyone who signs up to have kids, and if we don't like it, tough beans for them. The police may have to work harder to catch those who 'overlook' this measure, but if that's the price we have to pay for ending this inane argument once and for all, it'll be well worth it."

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#365: A Busload of Worry [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
An advertisement battle over the morality and acceptability of "coming out of the closet" is taking place on @@CAPITAL@@'s buses, with different factions presenting their vehement cases on these moving billboards. Groups on all sides are demanding the government step in, soothe egos, and take action.

The Debate
1. "This is disgusting, and I shouldn't have to see it," pines prominent homosexual, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, for once abandoning stereotype to be seen without feather boa, "@@NAME@@ should be a nation intolerant of intolerance, and what could be more intolerant than this? Have you any idea what damage this fundamentalist advertisement will do to young people struggling to come to terms with their sexuality? We should ban this ad, and instead educate children to be free about their sexual preference, without deference to religious or cultural orthodoxy."

*2. "This is disgusting, and I shouldn't have to see it," declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@ a particularly prudish representative of @@FAITH@@. "Have we forgotten that @@NAME@@ is a country founded on traditional values, not least the sanctity of the relationship between man and woman? These deviants have no respect for what is natural and are spreading a sickness through my country, so I have a god-given right to educate the people about it. I say we ought to ban these LGBwhatever posters and divert some government funds to reminding the people of @@NAME@@ what it truly means to be a virtuous soul!" [High Religiousness]

*3. “This is disgusting, and I shouldn’t have to see it,” declares Ashurbanipal Hester, a particularly prudish citizen who seems to be concealing a small holy symbol. “Have we forgotten that @@NAME@@ once respected traditional values, not least the sanctity of the relationship between man and woman? These deviants have no respect for what is natural and are spreading a sickness through my country, so I have the right – nay, the responsibility — to educate the people about it. I say we ought to ban these LGBwhatever posters and divert some government funds to reminding the people of @@NAME@@ what it truly means to be virtuous souls!” [Low Religiousness]

4. "Last I checked, free speech meant listening to people you didn't like," yawns your advisor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, slouched over a sofa with a newspaper over his face. "A principle your office seems utterly devoted to... Look. Should a bunch of bigoted nutjobs stop homosexuals from saying it's alright for Jim and Jones to hold hands in the street? Of course not. Equally, should a bunch of tarted-up fruits stop reactionaries from banging on about their beliefs? Obviously no. So why stop either of them? Freedom of expression is more important than either party's sensibilities, no matter how distasteful that might be."

5. "This whole culture is foul, and we shouldn't perpetuate it," argues daily commuter, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Surely the point of public transportation is to quickly get people to work or wherever, not to bombard them with fringe political causes. We should do away with advertising on government services and properties altogether, as well as pour some more money into our public transportation network. Then @@CAPITAL@@ would have the best transport in the world."

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#366: Prosecute Stolen Valour, Says Military [The sky city of columbia; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
General officers in the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Armed Forces are requesting the criminalisation of "stolen valour" - the impersonation of decorated service members, often with the motive of financial gain.

The Debate
1. "These traitorous cowards need to be prosecuted!" says red-faced Vice Admiral @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while puffing out his chest, proudly showing off his own service medals. "They demean the heroic actions of veterans who did actually earn the medals, and desecrate the memory of those who died in service of @@NAME@@. I know what my boys would do to these charlatans if they caught them, and I can't promise I'd intervene! I'd like to see these pretenders try to earn the medals they want to show off. Actually, let's do that - send all these fraudsters to the front line. That'll teach them."

*2. "It is the right of all citizens to express themselves in any way they chose," claims free speech advocate @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while wearing a t-shirt that calls you a rather crude obscenity. "People should be free to dress in any uniform without fear of reprisal or punishment - and that includes wearing a uniform of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE_INITIALS@@AF. What better way to display to the world one's patriotism! And if you happen to get more respect or some discounts because of it, all the better. If that argument doesn't persuade you, then maybe you should ask the Vice Admiral how he won those medals. You can bet your bottom @@CURRENCY@@ that if you criminalise this, concerned citizens will start asking serving officers that question. Do you want the military to have another public relations disaster?" [Must not have media OR Must have Autocracy]

**3. "Why do we celebrate and glorify warmongering by raising these conquistadors above everyone else?" questions Conan Svensson, an anti-war protester outside the gates of your office building. "These medals and uniforms only exist to exert dominance and fear over the masses. The military claim these medals are rewards, but they are actually trophies declaring to the world how many innocent civilians their brainwashed killers massacred. We should do away with our armed forces and imprison those who supposedly kill in the name of @@NAME@@." [Must not have conscription]

**4. "Why do we celebrate and glorify warmongering by raising these conquistadors above everyone else?" questions @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an anti-war protester outside the gates of your office building. "These medals and uniforms only exist to exert dominance and fear over the masses. The military claim these medals are rewards, but they are actually trophies declaring to the world how many innocent civilians their brainwashed killers massacred. We should do away with our armed forces, abolish the draft and imprison those who volunteered to supposedly kill in the name of @@NAME@@." [Must have conscription]

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#367: What's Their Beef? [Nouvel Ecosse; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
After @@ANIMAL@@ meat was found in the popular beef lasagne sold by supermarket Humongo-Mart, a scandal has erupted over lax food safety standards.

The Debate
1. "What we've got here," lectures Health and Safety Inspector-General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "is failure to regulate. The fact that these lasagnes have been contaminated for so long proves that we have been far too lenient on food processing companies. I demand more tests!"

2. "You're forgetting the source of Humongo-Mart's meat," cautions @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Agricultural Union representative @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "How can we possibly know what they get up to in those shady Lilliputian abattoirs? Rather than waste time sorting out the dog's dinner your government has made of food safety regulations, all we need to solve this problem is a simple import ban on foreign meats."

3. "We must do more," whispers leading zoologist and TV documentary host @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while surrounded by wild @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@. "These creatures are national treasures, just like me, and thus should be cherished, not consumed. I say ban all products that use animal meat!"

4. "I don't thee what thith meth ith all about," says morbidly obese @@RANDOM_NAME@@ through a mouthful of said lasagne generously donated to her by Humongo-Mart. "It'th only popular becauthe of the @@ANIMAL@@ in it. Nobody wath complaining before, in fact people were lining up in droveth to buy it. I thay we allow the uthe of thith meat in our foodth. I love it, they love it. You can't stop uth!"

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#368: Female Workers Feeling The Pinch [Relana; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
A group of concerned women have complained about rising levels of harassment from male colleagues.

The Debate
1."I can't get through a day without a male co-worker slapping me on the behind or wolf whistling as I walk to the coffee machine," protests generously-endowed receptionist @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@. "This has to stop. Men who display this sort of behaviour should be fired immediately."

2. "Give us a break honey," says office lothario @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ while ogling your secretary. "A cheeky pinch or admiring glance never hurt anyone. These chicks should stop complaining - it's all a bit of harmless fun."

3. "In the good old days, this wouldn't have been an issue," harrumphs @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, sat in the corner. "Our women stayed home and took care of the kids. No wonder the country's going to pot. It's time to put them back in their place and stop this feminine charade."

4. "It's time to face the facts, @@LEADER@@," announces square-jawed @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, as she kicks your door down. "Men have had their chance, and look at the mess they've made. Put the women in charge, and then we'll surely see an end to harassment."

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#369: No Vocation Without Remuneration [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Labor organizations are outraged by the practice of unpaid internships following the death of a student intern who worked hundred-hour weeks, desperately trying to get ahead in the finance industry. The unions are demanding the end of unpaid employment.

The Debate
1."I can't believe the government is allowing this barbaric practice to continue in @@NAME@@!" shouts student union leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@ into a megaphone. "We work long hours doing tedious work for no pay. It's pure corporate exploitation. I'd hardly call alphabetizing papers or washing a CEO's feet valuable work experience. The government must put an end to this horrendous scam!"

2. "You can't seriously be considering this nonsense?" gasps @@MAJOR_INDUSTRY@@ CEO @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ as he plucks grapes from a silver platter held by a disgruntled female intern. "We provide our sla- I mean interns with the most glamorous work that the industry has to offer. They are a great asset to our company. Sure, they might not get paid, but we offer them valuable work experience that they can't get anywhere else. And if they work hard, we even give them a reference. What's wrong with that?"

3. "Why bother with internships at all?" muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an economics advisor, while lazily checking stock options. "The real solution would be to abolish the minimum wage and allow each company to set their own standards. Then you'll see what jobs are really worth in @@NAME@@. Without wage and labor restrictions, workers can freely find a workplace that offers better pay, and dumb loopholes like internships and worker's comp will be a thing of the past."

4. "MORE deregulation?" snaps @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your student intern, for once taking a break from filing your papers. "As if @@NAME@@ wasn't capitalist enough. Fixing economic exploitation is going to take a lot more than outlawing internships. Stop the bourgeoisie from leeching off of everyone's labor, and us workers could finally go to work knowing our hours of toil were actually building society. If you cared about anyone besides the rich, you'd nationalize the economy post-haste."

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#370: The Unbearable Lightness of Government [Primordial sardaukus; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
After the sudden withdrawal of a large portion of the government's budget led to the overnight collapse of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ economy, panicked - and now jobless - bureaucrats have flocked to your office demanding a swift U-turn in government policy.

The Debate
1. "Yes! Re-institute the subsidies," implores former civil servant @@RANDOM_NAME@@, searching behind your desk for loose change. "If we act now, there's still a chance we can raise the money needed to save our economy - and my career!"

2. "You've got to be kidding me," declares @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head - and last remaining employee - of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Revenue Agency, recently voted most popular person in @@NAME@@. "Did you see the look on our citizens' faces when we slashed taxes? Give them even more control over their economic futures, and the economy will surely recover in time."

3. "The ECONOMY has collapsed?!?" splutters a near-hysterical @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You need some perspective - our entire public sector has been devastated overnight! Millions left destitute, without education, healthcare or pensions. Rather than cosying up to business again, we urgently need a restoration of the welfare budgets you callously axed!"

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#371: Lotto Fever [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Your ever-enterprising brother was recently arrested for running a surprisingly large numbers racket; the earnings allowed him to purchase several foreign luxury cars. Your advisers, surprised by gambling's potential profitability, have begun debating the possibility of a National Lottery to raise government funds. The idea has drawn fire from social groups, who have come to warn you of the evils of gambling.

The Debate
1. "A National Lottery would be a great idea," says your money-obsessed Minister of Finance, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "This is just what the economy needs. Everybody is attracted to the idea of becoming a millionaire overnight. And best of all, this is as close as you can get to taxing the poor without actually calling it that! That surplus could even subsidize our struggling strategic basket weaving sector. A government-owned lottery would permit small games of chance while keeping out the sleazy, parasitic casinos."

2. "A gambling ban is essential to the moral fibre of the nation," counters social worker, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing a t-shirt with the slogan 'Don't be a Fool; Gambling's not Cool'. "Gambling addiction causes countless broken homes abroad, and having a national lottery would only introduce the problem into @@NAME@@. For the sake of @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ families, we MUST stand firm against the sin of gambling!"

*3. A man sporting a ten-gallon cowboy hat rolls in an impressive scale model of a casino city, complete with a flashing neon light display. "Well howdy folks! I couldn't help but overhear that your gambling industry is in the toilet. Why not hand over the new lottery to the private sector? I have a plan to use that lottery money to create massive casino cities. I've built casinos in Maxtopia, Bigtopia, and North Lilliputia and by gum, it put them on the map! Just think of all the tourists who will flock to @@NAME@@: The Gambling Center of @@REGION@@!" [Must have private industry]

*4. A man sporting a ten-gallon cowboy hat rolls in an impressive scale model of a casino city, complete with a flashing neon light display. "Well howdy folks! I couldn't help but overhear that your gambling industry is in the toilet. That's the problem with you commies: you don't know how to generate a profit. Why not allow the private sector back into your nation's economy and celebrate that with turning over the lottery to my company? I have a plan to use that lottery money to create massive casino cities. I've built casinos in Maxtopia, Bigtopia, and North Lilliputia and by gum, it put them on the map! Just think of all the tourists who will flock to @@NAME@@: The Gambling Center of @@REGION@@!" [Must not have private industry]

5. "And why are we letting some guy with a ridiculous hat profit from this new industry?" exclaims your brother, who was not invited to this meeting. "We'd be much better off with a government monopoly of all gambling institutions, so the profits don't all end up in that foreigner's bank account. But instead of wasting that sweet, sweet lolly on a basketcase subsidization plan, imagine the fun WE could have. You know, for a world leader, your digs are kinda shabby. What's say we use that gambling money for your own personal pleasure palace? It would be all for you. And family of course."

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#372: The Coming of the Commissars [Baiynistan; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Controversy arose recently when an entire platoon deserted because they "just didn't see the point of it all". As a consequence, debate has erupted over ways to rebuild Revolutionary spirit in the army.

The Debate
1. "The answer is simple, Leader," confidently states @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a Party ideologue. "Our servicemen and women need to know what they're fighting for: the Historical mission of @@NAME@@. It's absolutely imperative that we appoint political commissars to serve alongside regular officers and educate our brave soldiers about Worldwide Revolution. Ideological training is as important as the ability to shoot straight, after all."

2. "No, no, no! That all sounds frightfully dull!" interrupts your wild-eyed and unkempt head of sciences, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "You know what'll get young people lining up at every recruitment post? Flashy new gear! Who doesn't want to charge into battle as a combat engineer, dodging and weaving between @@ANIMAL@@ tanks, airships raining down support? Oh, and Tesla coils, gotta have Tesla coils. I admit the R&D will be INSANELY expensive, and I can't guarantee realization of all our schematics - especially the time machine side project - but hey, at least it'll solve the morale problem."

3. "Now hold on just a minute!" hollers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an unruly off-duty soldier. "We don't need some jumped-up Party mouthpiece telling us what to do! Present company excepted, of course, @@LEADER@@. And we don't need fancy gizmos to motivate us either. The real problem is the officer corps forcing us to fight all the time. War takes so much effort and somebody always ends up getting hurt. If we have the troops elect officers at every level - including the top brass - we won't be fighting pointless battles in the first place. After all, isn't workers' power what the Revolution is all about?"

4. "An entire platoon just DESERTED!" fumes former Gulag Welfare Officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while visiting on diplomatic business, "And no one thinks they should be punished? In Glorious Motherland such treachery would never be tolerated," he continues, mindlessly toying with a pistol, "It sounds to me that you need some men following around your conscripts to make sure the cowards don't flee back to mommy. You don't want @@NAME@@ to become the laughingstock of the anticapitalist world."

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#373: Devil and the Deep Blue Funding Gap [New Vegas; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A group of scientists have come to your office hoping for grants to explore the deep blue sea.

The Debate
1. "Our lack of knowledge of the ocean is unacceptable!" lectures Jacques Zissou, Emeritus Professor of Marine Biology. "We know less about the ocean floor than we do the lunar surface. The dearth of research is absurd! Were the government to provide more funding, we could perform studies on marine life, underwater volcanoes, currents, and more. The possibilities are endless. Sure, it'll cost a pretty @@CURRENCY@@, but the dissertations will be enthralling."

2. "Oh sure, let's spend millions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ to find out what's in the ocean. Oh wait, I can already tell you: it's just WATER," your budget advisor remarks sarcastically. "There is no point in spending tax money to know what kind of dirt is on the ocean floor. The government should scrap all research projects designed without real economic benefit. The last thing @@NAME@@ needs is yet another harebrained scheme to study the mating habits of dolphins or something comparably ridiculous."

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#374: Lion Dad Sparks Child-Rearing Sentiment [Samuelica; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
The controversial book "Battle Hymn of the Lion Dad", which depicts a foreign-born father brutally raising his children to outperform their peers, has whipped up a great debate over parenting in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "Look at @@NAME@@'s children: fat, lazy, dumb, and unsuccessful," says the book's author @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@. "Now look at my two girls. Attending top colleges! Lawyer and doctor! Making a difference with their lives! Making good money with their lives! It takes iron discipline, regular beatings, and the sacrifice of their childhoods, and I might not remember their names every once in a while, but who cares about that when I can brag about my boys - I mean girls."

2. "Poor babies," wails concerned mother @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, clutching her teenage son tight to her bosom. "That book suggests the most awful punishments - hit our children, starve them, make them do their homework. The worst thing I ever did to my cupcake was give him a little gold star for trying his best. I suggest we ban this book and while we are at it, lengthen the school holidays so I can take my huggle-bug to Mr Happy's Funland again."

3. "It's not my fault," yawns exhausted warehouse operative and father of four @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, after returning from a double shift, "All I ever learned at school was how to calculate a hypotenuse and how an oxbow lake is formed. Why not teach young @@DEMONYM_NOUN_PLURAL@@ some useful life skills like raising kids, getting a job, and coping with the daily grind of life? It's all they have to look forward to, after all." He immediately falls asleep on the couch.

4. "Lion dad?" queries @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, grasping his young son under one arm, while feeding a ferocious @@ANIMAL@@ from the other. "That's actually just what our kids need these days - a taste of the wild. All newborn children should be left in the wilderness to fend for themselves. The strong and resourceful will survive to better our nation, and the weak... well at least the @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ won't go hungry."

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#375: Easter Egg: Keep Your Hands Off Those Lucky Charms! [Vile Island; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
The sudden appearance of a bouquet of rainbows in the skies above @@CAPITAL@@ has bedazzled the city's natives. Initial investigations by amateur scientists have revealed the source of the phenomena to be a previously undiscovered ancient barrow just outside the city limits, apparently teeming with hoards of gold. Efforts to procure the gold, however, have been in vain, with rumours that mysterious men of a limited stature are mischievously playing tricks on would-be treasure hunters.

The Debate
1. "This is spectacular", squeals @@RANDOM_NAME@@, presenter of popular entertainment show 'Us Nightly'. "All this GOLD for FREE! I can think of a thousand ways to spend it all. So what if there are a few weird dwarves - we could use all of this gold to fund the national budget! Let's blow that ditch to hell, grab the loot, and go on a shopping spree!"

2. "Gold? Dwarves? Rainbows? This is a travesty!" decrees @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an infamous mendicant preacher who wandered into a live report on the lunchtime news. "These are no mere dwarves - these are leprechauns; demons sent here to deceive us! They are wicked, sinful tricksters, who have become manifest because of our tolerance of ancient pagan burial grounds on our sacred and holy lands. We must purge these abominations and destroy all that which is connected to this Plague; the leprechauns, their evil gold, and that unholy barrow!"

3. "Top o' the morning to you laddie!" says Patrick O'Malley, a twinkley-eyed leprechaun, all clad in green. "Ara, let's not be talking about blowing up this and blowing up that. Sure we'd just love to be friends, you and I and us. Now look a chara, how's about we come to a wee deal, aye? We'll swap some of our lucky Irish gold for a couple o'drops to drink. We do be dying of the thirst and wouldn't say no to an aul whiskey or two ... dozen. Just between us, mind! Our wee secret."

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#376: Death by Bungee [Canckaland; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
The @@CAPITAL@@ Times recently reported that @@NAME@@ leads @@REGION@@ in deaths from bungee jumping. In response, a handful of advocates have petitioned your office to remedy the unusual situation.

The Debate
1. "Bungee jumping is all good fun," says Bunga Bunga Bungee Business Bund Bigwig Bernard Bungalow. "It would be criminal to criminalize such a rewarding, family-friendly activity. All the members of my organization have stellar records of safety, unlike the fools at Bungee Bonanza. I mean come on, what kind of idiot uses a 50 meter bungee for a 30 meter cliff? So to distance reputable businessmen from their corner-cutting counterparts, the government should publish a list of accredited bungee institutions to help jumpers to make informed choices."

2. "Bungee jumping is insane," argues @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, who always wears a helmet, just in case. "My cousin split his head open while bungee jumping. Our entire family was devastated. The only reasonable solution is to ban dangerous activities like bungee jumping, skydiving, oh - and anything involving scissors." Sipping from a glass of pasteurized water, he continues, "Some people may complain it's ruining their fun, but as I like to tell them, it's hard to have fun when you're dead, eh!"

3. "Let's not cry over spilt milk," says funeral home director @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, rubbing her hands with barely-disguised glee. "As for the few deaths, at least they perished doing something they enjoyed. To be honest, I don't know why @@NAME@@ needs all these pansy safety regulations." She pushes a stack of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ towards you. "Let them go splat!"

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#377: It's A Bird! It's A Plane! No, It's... Oh, It Was A Plane [SalusaSecondus; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A military courier, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, rushes into your office in a panic, "@@LEADER@@, there's been a terrible tragedy! We mistook a civilian aircraft for an attack bomber and launched an anti-aircraft missile at it. There are no survivors. What should we do?"

The Debate
1. "Blame the Bigtopians!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your most jingoistic advisor. "No one can really prove it was us. Pin it on our foes and prove to the world how monstrous they are. It's the perfect excuse to double-down on our military investments. How else can we possibly defend ourselves against such amoral villains?"

2. "What did you expect to happen?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, leader of @@NAME@@ Against Arms. "You can hardly walk down the street without seeing a soldier on their front-porch polishing a surface-to-air missile. With all of these weapons in the government's hands, of course accidents are going to happen. The only way to prevent an awful war is to openly admit our mistake and massively cut back on the number of weapons in circulation. That will keep this tragedy from ever happening again."

3. "How do we even know it was a civilian aircraft?" insinuates Chief Spy L------. "We could just quietly let the word out that it was actually a secret military aircraft sent in by the Bigtopians to spy on us, and no one could blame us for shooting it down. Clearly the numerous schoolchildren and nuns were just clever disguises meant to fool us."

4. "Deny, deny, deny," explains @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Deputy Minister of Information. "We didn't shoot down a plane because there was no plane. There are no corpses because no one was on the plane - which didn't exist anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is clearly just slandering the Glorious @@TYPE@@ of @@NAME@@."

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#378: The War To End All Wars [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
It's the centenary of a great war that shook @@REGION@@, and competing plans to commemorate the historic moment are being considered for approval.

The Debate
1. "No expense must be spared!" shouts military historian @@RANDONMALENAME@@ through his unfashionable mustache. "This historic event must be celebrated through every town square in the country. Parades, street parties, reenactments! I'm sure all our citizens will contribute handsomely to making this celebration truly memorable."

2. "Excellent! And let's not stop with the past," proclaims Brigadier-General @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of Public Outreach for the Army. "We can use this burst of patriotic fervor to give a strong message of support to today's armed forces, going forward. We should have a big parade of our men and women in uniform in @@CAPITAL@@ with a fly-by from the Air Force. We can never have too many recruits, after all."

3. "Do you have any idea how much all of that would cost?" complains budget auditor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while eating a stale rice cracker for lunch. "We shouldn't spend money on something that happened a hundred years ago, and the savings from all that pomp and circumstance can be returned to the taxpayers. Are you going to eat that sandwich?"

4. "I don't mind having a commemoration, but we need to remember that most of the people who died in the Great War were common workers like me," says union leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who never seems to be content with anything. "I think it's only fair that we give everyone a national holiday, so we can all reflect upon our history of class oppression. Otherwise celebrations like this end up just being for you toffs."

5. "Of course we should remember the War - but there was nothing 'Great' about it!" pontificates student protester @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who has read two and a half books about the War and now knows everything about it. "It was a shameful bloodbath caused by greedy capitalist arms manufacturers, and it could have been avoided. We should be remembering the incalculable tragedy of it all and making sure it never happens again!"

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#379: Stakes On A Plane [Juernsey; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
With global travel soaring, the country's primary airport, @@CAPITAL@@ International, has reached full capacity. Interested parties are queuing up to share their thoughts on what should be done.

The Debate
1. "We won't be 'International' for long without a capacity increase," laments Transport Minister @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ while wringing her hands. "If we want to remain a global hub, we need another runway and we need it now. We'll have to bulldoze a few houses to clear room, but just think of the @@CURRENCY@@ we'll make from all those passengers."

2. "Our quality of life is what matters," bellows nearby resident @@RANDOM_NAME@@ over the noise of a landing jet. "Why do we even want to be a hub, with all that noise and pollution? What we need is even stricter limits on planes flying over residential areas. And if that means a few planes have to land elsewhere, then much the better."

3. "There's no need to destroy people's lives just for a new runway", parries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Under-Secretary of State for Creative Solutions, "but nor do we need to turn planes away. Why not build an entirely new airport, in the Orilenyo Flow estuary? The planes can fly over the sea, and a bullet train can take passengers to the city centre. Everyone wins - well except for the local wildlife, but what's @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@ to you or me?"

by **Valentine Z** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#380: Farmers Seeding Discontent [Bulgar Rouge; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Farmers throughout the country are threatening a nationwide strike, because their domestic produce cannot compete with cheap foreign imports. They demand that the government step in and protect the agricultural sector.

The Debate
1. "Foreign competition is slowly destroying us!" yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while waving a pitchfork. "We invest so much effort and time to get a quality yield, and eventually we end up throwing everything away because those cheap, plastic Maxtopian tomatoes are sold for half the price! I swear they taste like compost wrapped in iceburg lettuce, and yet @@DENOYNMPLURAL@@ still buy the damned things! We, the farmers of @@NAME@@, demand agricultural subsidies so we can lower our prices and compete fairly with imports. After all, our food security depends upon domestic production."

2. Economic analyst @@RANDOM_NAME@@ has other ideas. "There's an easier way to support farmers without spending millions on farms that never went beyond ox plowing. Just raise tariffs. Agriculture will be protected from a transnational race to the bottom, and @@DENOYNMPLURAL@@ get a little tax cut to boot. The tariffs will be unpopular abroad, but this conundrum only exists becaue of Maxtopia's long history of protectionism."

*3. "Are these people serious?" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of A Whole Shipload, LLC. "Subsidies, tariffs, what is all that about? You're messing with the free market here! If foreign produce is cheaper, then that means they're better at doing their jobs. These ungrateful peasants just want government coddling, because they can't pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. It's time that @@NAME@@ promote personal responsibility instead of pandering to the weak. Crush the strike by abolishing all foodstuff tariffs, and then we can import as much as we like." [Must have private industry]

*4. "Are these people serious?" scoffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of A Whole Shipload, LLC. "Subsidies, tariffs, what is all that about? You're messing with the economy here! If foreign produce is cheaper, then that means they're better at doing their jobs. These ungrateful peasants just want government coddling, because they can't pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. It's time that @@NAME@@ promote personal responsibility instead of pandering to the weak. Crush the strike by abolishing all foodstuff tariffs, and then we can import as much as we like." [Must not have private industry]

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#381: Mamma @@NAME@@, Let Me Go [Raurosia; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
The media is up in arms over the case of Eddie Jupiter, a minor who is being tried as an adult on suspicion of murder; the case has sparked a national debate over @NAME@@ and youth crime.

The Debate
1. "He's just a poor boy from a poor family!" pleads @@RANDOM_NAME@@, youth welfare activist and rock fan appearing on @@NAME@@'s most popular morning show. "Spare him his life from this monstrosity! The government must not try teens as adults. In fact, you really can't try them at all; they clearly don't understand the magnitude of their actions. Maybe if our government gave schools more funding, the teachers could explain this 'don't murder' concept a little better."

2. "Don't understand?!" thunders prosecuting attorney @@RANDOM_NAME@@ during one of many press conferences. "Tell that to the victim! The punk put a gun against his head and pulled the trigger. Now he's dead! The youth of @@NAME@@ need to learn to respect the rules of decent society, and the best way to do that is to impose harsher penalties. Solitary confinement, public punishment, curfews - the whole works. As for this kid, lock him up!"

[3]. "I couldn't agree more," muses a major religion representative @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while proselytizing to your staff. "Except the civil authorities shouldn't be the ones dealing with Jupiter. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for him, and only true penitence can save his soul. In fact, better give the true faith power to punish, er, save all criminals! I find there's no better cure for a sick soul than public whipping, don't you agree?" [Must not have Atheism]

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#382: The Appropriate Amount of Appropriation [Rapturia Ziwa; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
Recently a well-known clothing retailer, "Totally Happenin' Apparel Trends" (T.H.A.T.), began marketing a new hoodie that features deeply sacred iconography of a @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ ethnic group. Civil rights activists, tribal emissaries, entrepreneurs, and an assortment of young punks from the local skate park have formed an impressive mob outside your office, demanding you take action.

The Debate
1. "Oh come on, you can't be serious," scoffs CEO of T.H.A.T. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, bedecked in a war bonnet and calavera-patterned t-shirt. "It's not 'stealing,' it's assimilating. Next you're going to be telling me certain ethnic foods and languages are being appropriated, too! These people just don't realize that we're helping promote parts of their cultural heritage by mainstreaming it. Think about how many people didn't know about the Native @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Emblem until we featured it on our clothes. Frankly, they should be thanking us."

2. "This is racist stereotyping and an insult to our proud culture!" shouts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a representative of the United @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Nations. "@@NAME@@ has been responsible for centuries' worth of genocide, rape, and discrimination against our people, and now you have the audacity to take one of our most sacred icons and turn it into a fashion statement? This isn't cultural exchange; it's cultural theft. We owe you no obligation and shouldn't have to share something you willingly bastardize. Cultural symbols, like ours, should only be worn by people that can prove they descend from that ethnicity."

3. "Woah, now, let's not get hasty. This is just a misunderstanding," cautions anthropologist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Clearly T.H.A.T. had no right to misrepresent that @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ symbol like they did. But making these heritages off-limits to all outsiders? That's a little extreme, too. Why not introduce educational programs that aim to teach people about their culture, so ignorant folk don't accidentally make that mistake. We'll need a little government funding to kick-start the programs, but surely cultural acceptance and equality are worth the @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@?"

4. "Yo, man, did'ja consider the possibility you're askin' the wrong questions?" says a local youth, shouldering his way to the front of the crowd. "My parents are, like, a bunch of ethnicities all blended together, so we never have to worry about someone cribbin' our style, or who we should or shouldn't identify with. Why not make all forms of cultural identification a thing of the past? That way we don't have to worry about appeasin' or insultin' any one social group. It's mostly our parents and grandparents doin' all the yakkin', anyway."

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#383: Born To Be Just A Bit Too Wild? [Aardenland; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
A much-publicised incident last week saw a pack of feral youngsters raised by @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ attack a rambler exploring @@NAME@@'s countryside. Shocked by the news stories, human rights campaigners have demanded immediate remedial action to rebuild @@NAME@@'s social structure.

The Debate
1. "We can't just sit here while innocent children are denied their birthright to be human!" pleads human rights activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We need to implement a truckload of changes. That means increasing welfare spending, implementing strict punishments for child abuse and neglect, and most importantly, we need to send a task force to rescue these poor victims! Incidentally, we'd need to increase taxes to get these things done, but for Violet's sake, think of the children!"

2. "These children won't be able to just walk back into society," snaps Commandant @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They're already a world apart from normal people. However, we can take advantage of that. If you let us take these children under our wing, in just a few years, they'll be the pride of @@NAME@@'s military! It'll be much better than that plan to mount guns on our K-9 units."

3. "You can't take these kids away from their families!" says famous environmental activist, writer, and hermit @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "My neighbors, Akela and Raksha have raised little Maxgli for ten years, and they'd be devastated if they were forcibly separated by these overbearing, intolerant ethnocentrists! This couple needs to have their rights respected, too! Now if one bad @@ANIMAL@@ does something a little harsh, like eating its child, then just discipline it like any normal parent!"

4. "OH MY GOD, IT IS SO CUTE!" squeals @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the next-in-line to inherit multinational beekeeping conglomerate Buzz Feed Inc. "It's like a little @@ANIMAL@@ but it's a person! I wanna keep it, I'm gonna call it FooFoo, and carry it around in my handbag, and... what do you mean it's against the law?! Make it un-against the law! I want my FooFoo!"

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#384: Out of The Royal Frying Pan [The Kingdom of the Imperial Commonwealth; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
The international community rejoiced this year as the people of Marche Noire overthrew the country's oppressive monarchy... only to elect an aggressively anti-@@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ leader.

The Debate
1. "We have to do something drastic," schemes General @@RANDOM_NAME@@ whilst lining up a row of dominoes, "Marche Noire is angry that we trained the old regime's secret police, and now they're letting the peasants divvy up the plantations. That threatens our business interests, and it could even inspire revolutions in some of our allies. I say we covertly support Marche Noirian rebels to reinstate King Zog. The alternative is an ever-growing bloc of socialist powers, which will doom us in the long run." The general topples the first domino, beginning a chain reaction.

*2. "Now, let's not get carried away," counsels Foreign Minister @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ with her pet kitten in lap. "There's more than one way to skin a cat, you know. For instance, we could simply put an embargo or ten on Marche Noire until it elects a cooperative prime minister. Half the country drives Marche Noirian cars; a trade sanction would cripple them. That way we can show our opposition to communist jingoism without sacrificing @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ lives." [Cars are not banned]

*3. Now, let's not get carried away," counsels Foreign Minister @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ with her pet kitten in lap. "There's more than one way to skin a cat, you know. For instance, we could simply put an embargo or ten on Marche Noir until it elects a cooperative prime minister. Half the country buys Marche Noirian bicycles; a trade sanction would cripple them. That way we can show our opposition to communist jingoism without sacrificing @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ lives." [Cars are banned]

4. "No way, man!" rebuts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, world-renowned professional skateboarder and incorrigible optimist. "Military intervention and trade sanctions are just going to make Marche Noire, like, more mad at us! Those kids in Marche Noire love me. If you send me and some of my fellow skaters over there, I'm sure we can work this whole thing out with, like, diplomacy and stuff."

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#385: Who Stands For @@NAME@@? [Panageadom; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After the unfortunate and untimely death of @@NAME@@'s premier sporting mascot just before a major national Calvinball competition, the decision regarding his replacement has been pushed higher and higher up the chain of command until now, having somehow reached your desk.

The Debate
1. "@@NAME@@ should show that it c-cares for everyone," stammers once-world class juggler, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, now a nervous paraplegic, "Even the v-very weakest in our so-so-soci-country. Our compassion comes across in our welfare, our healthcare, our v-very w-way of life. That's why I sh-should be the one to represent it. After all, if I can do it, so can anyone!"

2. "No," growls a mysterious figure, audibly recovering from a tracheotomy, bedecked in a cape and cowl, "We need to prize the values that keep us safe, in government and outside it. The ones that keep citizens from a life of crime. Order. Justice. Parents. I will represent that. I am the hero @@NAME@@ deserves."

[3]. "But not the one it needs!" exclaims the chief executive of BurgerCorp, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, striding into your office dressed as his latest product, "What @@NAME@@ needs right now is to plug the looming hole in its budget - and that's something we can do through corporate sponsorship! Just auction of the rights to field a mascot to the highest bidder, and the nation's pockets - and your own, my dear @@LEADER@@ - will start to feel decidedly less empty." [Must have private industry]

*4. "Don't do it!" screams your personal advisor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, somehow the most flamboyantly dressed yet, "Any decision we make now will be a political torpedo: all we've been given here is a choice between being seen as convulsive, compulsive or corrupt! What we really need to prize is choice: the choice of the people to elect their own mascot - and your choice to push any really difficult political decisions onto the voting public!" [Must have private industry]

*5. "Don't do it!" screams your personal advisor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, somehow the most flamboyantly dressed yet, "Any decision we make now will be a political torpedo: all we've been given here is a choice between being seen as convulsive or compulsive! What we really need to prize is choice: the choice of the people to elect their own mascot - and your choice to push any really difficult political decisions onto the voting public!" [Must not have private industry]

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#386: Droning on and on [Czechostan; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ drone strike in the hinterlands of Tasmania has successfully killed an infamous terrorist, Mad Max, notorious for assassinating your predecessor. However, collateral damage butchered dozens of innocent bystanders, outraging the international community.

The Debate
1. "These pinkos just love to make the worst out of positive situations," moans Lieutenant @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who oversaw the drone strike from the comforts of @@CAPITAL@@. "Sure, some civilians were injured, but we managed to kill that psychopathic criminal. Had he survived, who knows how many more innocents he would have killed? Drone strikes are not only far more efficient than land invasions, but they also save the lives of @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ pilots. If anything, the military deserves a much bigger budget to research new innovations like semi-autonomous stealthbots."

2. "Does anyone care what we have to say?" asks the Tasmanian ambassador, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, rallying in front of assorted pacifists. "You have no business intervening in our lands; let Tasmania control what happens in her borders! Imagine how you would like it if we started drone striking your streets. It's time for @@NAME@@ to back off and let nations settle their own problems. If @@NAME@@ wants to help, reparations for the grieving families would be a lot more appreciated than more robot assassins patrolling the skies."

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#387: An International Incident: Diamonds Are An Expat's Best Friend! [Reploid Productions; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
Media outlets have been buzzing about the thousands of children abducted from their remote villages across the exotic nation of Brasilistan, suspected to have been carried out on the order of their own government. Reports are coming in that the abducted children have been sent underground to mine for diamonds, Brasilistan's most precious resource, but military intelligence suggests that some young @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ citizens living there have fallen to the same fate.

The Debate
1. "The Brasilistani government have been pursuing aggressive and provoking policies for years, especially in their attempts to annex their neighbour Marche Noire. Now they're abducting and holding hostage not only their own children, but citizens of other countries!" booms General @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, slamming her fist on the conference table and urgently gesturing to a map on the wall. "We have sat idly by and now it's our people over there waking up in the middle of the night to bombs and soldiers destroying their homes! @@LEADER@@, we must marshal our forces and intervene with the only language the Brasilistani seem to understand - violence!"

2. "The good general is surely exaggerating the threat here." @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, one of your trusted advisers responds calmly while drinking his tea. "Brasilistan is our foremost diamond trade partner, so we must approach the situation with diplomacy and targeted efforts. A knee-jerk military response is the worst thing we could possibly do here. I am confident that with some juicy incentives, the Brasilistani government will discover their error and immediately release our citizens."

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#388: An International Incident: Napalm in the Morning [Reploid Productions; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
A troubled country called Brasilistan has abducted @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ tourists and sent them to work in diamond mines in appalling conditions. You gathered your advisers and decided the best course of action was war; immediate and violent.

The Issue
This is a grim day in the history of @@NAME@@. Today, @@NAME@@ goes to war. All eyes are on officials in @@CAPITAL@@, waiting with bated breath to learn what form the coming conflict with Brasilistan will take.

The Debate
1. "We must mount a full-scale invasion," declares General @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while jabbing at a map of Brasilistan. "We can land forces here, here, and here; and from there we can march straight on to their capital! It could cost millions of our soldiers' lives and take years, but short of nuking Brasilistan, this is the only road to victory."

2."With all due respect, General, you are completely out of your mind!" @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the Air Force huffs. "A full on attack will decimate our troop levels! This is a land whose terrain and climate our foot soldiers are unaccustomed to. No, the best approach is clearly the tactical one. We have gathered a list of targets that can be taken out through a sustained aerial campaign. This will reduce Brasilistan's ability to wage war long before we land a single troop carrier in their territory. Why send scores of our soldiers to their deaths when we can send scores of our bombs instead?"

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#389: An International Incident: Sanctions, Sanctions Everywhere! [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
A distant country called Brasilistan has abducted @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ citizens and sent them to work in diamond mines in appalling conditions. You gathered your advisers and decided the best course of action was to wade in carefully with some carrot-and-stick diplomacy.

The Issue
The decision to try for a diplomatic solution with Brasilistan, rather than open warfare, has been a success with the hostages released. However, aggrieved leading members of the Brasilistani government are openly encouraging vigilantes in the nation's armed forces to hit back at @@NAME@@ and its interests. The debate now turns to what @@NAME@@ should do next to completely neutralise Brasilistan.

The Debate
1. "Extending the hand of peace was all well and good, but now we have to make sure they stay under our thumb", your Minister for Foreign Affairs Hillary Smoochinger says candidly, taking a seat in your office. "Right now they can fall back on their military and continue to do unspeakable and violent acts - don't forget they abducted their own children! But if we make that option unviable, then I think we'll find them more than eager to sit down to peace talks. To cripple their military, we need to cripple their economy, and the most effective way to do this is through sanctions. We can embargo the non-essential items, and stick considerable tariffs on the stuff we do need. Eventually they'll have to accede to our demands."

2. "Crippling their military is a good idea, but we don't have the time for economics to work", the Chief of Staff of the Armed Forces, General Dwight Powell barks. "We need to get our Navy to blockade their ports, get our Air Force to bomb their airfields and key economic centres – we don't have to put a single soldier on Brasilistan soil and we'll still be able to force them into submission. With blockaded ports, burning airfields, and a decimated economy, their military will have no hope of controlling the home front, let alone invading another country. They'll be soon doing what we tell them. A little gunboat diplomacy is all we need."

3. "These options all sound quite expensive", chimes in Timothy Lagarde, the Treasury Minister. "Wouldn't it be cheaper to, perhaps, send in a few very well trained, and very deadly, operatives and have them deal with the top officials in the regime? We might find some to be very agreeable to our terms after a few intense ... 'workouts', we'll call them. If they refuse to be co-operative, well, I'm sure removing them from the situation entirely might convince their successors to see our way of thinking. It'll be cheaper for us with no long lasting effects on either nation. Everybody wins! Except for those assassinated, of course, but let's not concern ourselves with those little details."

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#390: An International Incident: An Unstable Situation [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
Your government's response to overtures of aggression from the Brasilistanis has been to march the @@DENOMYMNOUN@@ army in and take out the tyrannical and violent government.

The Issue
The "intervention" into Brasilistan has largely been a success, but now the nation has devolved into anarchy with no functioning government. International allies and observers are concerned and have asked that @@NAME@@ clean up the mess it made.

The Debate
1. "This is our chance to expand our power and influence", your Minister for Defence suggests quietly. "Brasilistan might have had a tyrannical government, but the people may be useful, and it does have plenty of resources. We need to send in the remainder of our armed forces, quell any dissent, and set ourselves up a nice colony. We'd have more taxes coming in, a larger pool of people for our army to recruit from, and we'll have a nice power base in a far off part of the region. It'll be costly, but definitely worth it."

*2. Foreign Minister Hillary Smoochinger sighs before joining in the conversation. "If we colonise Brasilistan then we'll be doing exactly what its last government did that got us into this mess – sweeping attacks on another people's sovereignty. I agree that we should send in more troops to clean up things, but then we should help them set up a new, stable, and less aggressive government. Admittedly, this will consume large resources in the short term, but think of the public support we'd attain by establishing a new democracy full of freedoms abroad. And the long term benefits of ensuring it's a government that's friendly and sympathetic to our aims are pretty enticing too." [Must be democratic]

*3. Foreign Minister Smoochinger sighs before joining in the conversation. "If we colonise Brasilistan then we'll be doing exactly what its last government did that got us into this mess — sweeping attacks on another people's sovereignty. I agree that we should send in more troops to clean up things, but — and I know this may be controversial — how about we then help them set up a new, stable, and less aggressive government. Admittedly, this will consume large resources in the short term, but think of the international prestige we'd attain by establishing a new democracy full of freedoms abroad. And the long term benefits of ensuring it's a government that's friendly and sympathetic to our aims are pretty enticing too." [Must not be democratic]

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#391: An International Incident: The Third Horseman of Brasilistan [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
Your government's response to overtures of aggression from the Brasilistanis has been to sanction it beyond imagination.

The Issue
International allies have formed a coalition to impose economic sanctions on Brasilistan, but as a consequence, the nation can no longer import enough basic supplies to sustain its population. As it becomes increasingly impoverished, the embargoed civilian population is dying of hunger.

The Debate
1. "We can't stand by and let innocent men, women, and children die of malnourishment because of your government's shortsighted actions!" cries the CEO of the Global Meal Plan, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I know you're trying to make Brasilistan back off through economic means, but you need to please lay off some of the sanctions and embargoes and send some food aid through. You want to avoid the casualties of a war, but innocent people are still dying. I beg you, fix this."

2. "Brasilistan is weak, its people are dying, now's the time to deal the killer blow", your Minister for the Interior argues. "Of course we should send them food aid, but only if the Brasilistan government agrees to end their aggression, surrender to us, and submit their nation to our control. This little diplomatic incident will have ended, the Brasilistani will have food again, and our government can get back to spending money where it's necessary. Everybody wins."

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#392: An International Incident: A Pirate Problem [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
Your government's response to overtures of aggression from the Brasilistanis has been to blockade its ports and bomb its economic hubs.

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s policy of forcing Brasilistan into submission via means of gunboat diplomacy has left the nation's government - and economy - in a shambles. However, rogue elements of Brasilistani society have taken to the high seas and are committing acts of piracy in order to make ends meet. With no functioning government to stop them, these pirates are being left to their own devices, putting @@NAME@@'s shipping routes at risk.

The Debate
1. "Obviously we have to get rid of these ruffians", your Trade Minister says bluntly. "They're putting our own economy at risk, as well as those of our allies. We've put a lot of time, energy, and resources into ensuring Brasilistan no longer remains a threat to us, and if we don't deal with these pirates soon, we might as well rename the place Penzance. Look, we already have naval ships in the area, why not just divert a few to take care of the problem. That way our economy is saved and we don't put the lives of any more soldiers at risk."

2. "That sounds a little drastic for what is basically a bunch of Brasilistani entrepreneurs", an advisor interjects dryly from the other side of the room. "We should be rewarding them for succeeding when their nation's economy is shot. Brasilistan needs a new, functional, stable government, and here are a bunch of people who have proven their ability to fight through the bad times. With our support, we could put these patriots in charge of their country and, obviously as thanks, we'll have a much more amiable Brasilistan to work with in the international sphere. They can get on dealing with their problems, and we can get on looking after our own people. Everything will be back as it should be."

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#393: An International Incident: A Naval Conundrum [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
@@NAME@@'s economic sanctions of Brasilistan have resulted in exploding levels of piracy. Your government has advised you on how to deal with this fledgling problem, and your response has been to send the navy after them.

The Issue
As the might of @@NAME@@'s armed forces heads for the seas off Brasilistan to deal with the pirates attacking shipping routes, the question of what to actually do with them has arisen.

The Debate
1. "The proper course of action would be to capture them and escort them back to Brasilistan to stand trial", your foreign adviser suggests. "There isn't much of a governmental structure there at the moment, I admit, but perhaps if we press upon what remains of the authorities the gravity of the situation, they'll act. If that means throwing them some resources to hold the trial, so be it. It's better we have nothing to do with the filthy pirates anyway."

[2]. "Why bother going through all that when we can do it better", boasts your Attorney General. "I agree that we should capture the hooligans, but then we should drag them back here to @@NAME@@ to stand trial. Who cares if they're not our citizens; they interfered in our shipping routes and posed a threat to our economy! That's sort of like terrorism, right? Economic terrorism! We've dealt with Brasilistan, now lets deal with these pirates and use them as an example of what we do to groups who try to harm our interests." [Must not ban Judiciaries]

3. "Capture them?! That'll take far too much time! I know of an easier way to sort this lot out once and for all", Admiral @@RANDOM_NAME@@ states with a sharp nod of his head. "We've sent planes and ships and whatnot out there already, let's just blow them out of the water while we're there. It'll save us having to drag them half way across the waters of @@REGION@@ for what'll essentially be a show trial anyway. Yeah, the human rights pansies will complain but who cares. This is economic terrorism and we must show no mercy to terrorists!"

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#394: Ten Days In A Mad House [Golgothastan; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
Investigative journalist @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ has published a damning critique of @@NAME@@'s mental health facilities after spending ten days undercover as a psychiatric patient in @@CAPITAL@@ State Asylum. Her report details abuse, incompetence and negligence, and has led to angry clamors for reform of how the system is managed.

The Debate
1. "These hospitals are being run like prisons!" belts irate social worker @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ as he slams down a copy of the article on your desk. "Patients are treated like inmates; their rooms are like cells, and these antiquated 'treatments' redefine barbaric! Something must be done!" He pauses for a moment to regain his composure. "We need to completely revamp the state of mental health treatment in this country. Let's start by convening a meeting of all the world's leading psychiatrists - put up at our expense, of course - and then build a new specialist care facility in every town in @@NAME@@."

*2. "I'd like to spend more money on psychiatric care too, but there simply isn't any room in the budget," grumbles @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Health Service accountant @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "At this rate we're already going to be running a deficit next year anyway. We should be cutting down on expenses, not spending more. The taxes we save will mean citizens will have more in their pocket: they can pay for private treatment if they aren't happy with our basic services." [Must have private industry]

*3. "I'd like to spend more money on psychiatric care too, but there simply isn't any room in the budget," grumbles @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Health Service accountant @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "At this rate we're already going to be running a deficit next year anyway. We should be cutting down on expenses, not spending more. The spending cuts will benefit the State, and when the State benefits, everybody benefits!" [Must not have private industry]

4. "I think we're missing an opportunity here," muses Minister of Internal Security @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "This troublesome reporter hasn't actually been fully released from the Asylum yet. Why don't we just revoke her discharge paperwork and keep her there? We'll put the kibosh on her little 'exposé'. It's obviously the ravings of a mad woman. In fact, we could arrange a little 'mental health treatment' for all those meddling journalists! And don't you think the Leader of the Opposition might enjoy a checkup too?"

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#395: An International Incident: Growing Pains [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
In order to secure @@NAME@@'s interest in Brasilistan, as well as stabilise the ravaged country, your government has ensured that someone agreeable to @@NAME@@ has been installed as leader.

The Issue
After @@NAME@@'s hand-picked candidate for leader of Brasilistan was assassinated in broad daylight – and then the next hand-picked successor mysteriously disappearing overnight – it's becoming clear that propping up a new government that is friendly to @@NAMES@@'s aims is much more difficult that originally imagined.

The Debate
1."It's time we left Brasilistan, and that whole region, well alone", Hillary Smoochinger, your Foreign Minister says quietly, putting a hand on your shoulder. "It's clear that the natives are resisting our blatant interference, and our own popularity here at home may begin to suffer if we keep pouring @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ into another country. Let's just pull out and start spending that money where it belongs, here in @@NAME@@."

2."I agree – to an extent", your Treasury Minister Timothy Legarde says, chiming in. "We definitely need to get out of the area as soon as possible, but that doesn't mean we should abandon all interests there. We need to pick a faction we like, show them how generous we can be in selling them some armaments and, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, we're not only seeing our interests served in the area, we're making cash while doing it. Extra bonus is we're not risking any of our people's lives. It can't go wrong!"

3."What absolute bullsh-, eh pat. Absolute bullpat", General Dwight Powell, your Armed Forces Chief of Staff blurts out before correcting himself. "Yes, this puppetmaster routine clearly isn't working, but that doesn't mean we need to cut our losses and get out of the area! No, clearly we have something to gain from this and that something is Brasilistan itself. It's time to take the place over and sort the mess out ourselves in our own time-honoured way – absolute brute force."

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#396: An International Incident: Is It Brie You're Looking For? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
The World Assembly's International Food Welfare Organization has estimated that @@NAME@@'s harsh economic sanctions has led to the deaths of at least 50,000 starving Brasilitani. After pleas from civil rights societies and humanitarian organisations, your government has agreed to allow some aid into Brasilistan.

The Issue
Humanitarian NGOs are distraught after extensive news reports highlighting that food aid shipments meant for the poor, starving, and destitute in Brasilistan are not making it past the distribution centres. Reports are unsure whether or not corrupt officials are to blame, but the NGOs want you to do something about it.

The Debate
1. @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a director of one of @@NAME@@'s largest charities, sighs. "It's not like this wasn't forseen. We all knew that the government elites in control of the Brasilistani distribution centres would look after themselves. This is what happens when you send unconditional aid unprotected like this. We have to continue the shipments, but from now on we need to send our peacekeepers to make sure the food gets to where it's needed."

2. "Or we could actually stop the shipments", your secretary says while collating some pages on your desk. "Look, there's always going to be corruption when we're sending them free food, so how about we spend the money on education programmes instead. You know, show the starving how to farm and hunt and make a living all for themselves. It's like that saying, give a man a fishing rod and he does, em, well he fishes with it, and he doesn't starve, that's the point. We can't forever prop them up with our food."

3. "I agree, stop the shipments", your advisor @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ says while playing with his hair absent-mindedly. "Stop the shipments and let the Brasilistani fend for themselves. If they starve, they starve – let's not forget who started this whole thing in the first place! If they want to act as savages, then let them live by the law of the savages; survival of the fittest should sort them out once and for all. And no more food aid means more resources for use at home. Win."

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#397: An International Incident: Select Your Target! [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
Your government's response to overtures of aggression from the Brasilistanis has been to bomb specific high-level, valuable assets in the nation.

The Issue
Having decided to launch a tactical strike on Brasilistan, your military advisors have drawn up a list of different targets, each ranging in terms of severity and civilian casualties.

The Debate
1. Admiral Nelson Wellington presents you with a file first. "This is an aerial view map of Western Brasilistan. We have circled in red key armament factories, military bases, and a military airport. Eliminating these targets will not only harm the enemy's ability to mobilise an effective retaliatory attack, but it also makes it easier for us to land troops on the west coast. The impact on civilians will be minimal."

2. "That won't be enough", Air Marshal @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says firmly. "Here is a map of the same region, but as you can see our targets are much more crucial to Brasilistan's infrastructure. Give the go ahead and my pilots will unleash their bombs on the city itself. There is a 100% chance of high civilian casualties, but it's to ensure that the enemy has a 0% chance of retaliation, in any way, shape, or form."

3. "Or we could just nuke them", General @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says, pushing the other two out of the way. "Think about it. None of our soldiers will go in so there'll be zero casualties on our side. All it takes is one bomb, so it's considerably cheaper, and it means there'll be no drawn-out conflict. I can't see a loss. To us, anyway. It'll decimate Brasilistan, but they are the enemy, and this is war."

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#398: An International Incident: Why Did You Do That?! [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
Your government's response to Brasilistan holding some @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ citizens hostage was to bomb the living daylights out of cities with heavy population densities.

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s recent indiscriminate bombing of a population centre in western Brasilistan has not only attracted accusations of genocide from the international community, but also promises of sending military aid to Brasilistan to defend themselves from you!

The Debate
1. "We tried that idiot Air Marshal's way and now look where it got us", Admiral Nelson Wellington says with an exasperated sigh. "Now can you please take another look at this plan? It sees our navy launch missiles at a military airfield, key bases, and a couple of armament factories. It'll take place at night which limits civilian casualties to a minimum, and it achieves our aim of reducing Brasilistan's ability to retaliate."

2. "Call their bluff", a random general says, stepping out of the group of military advisers huddled before your desk. "Call those other nations out. Threaten to bomb them too if they even dream about getting involved. This is between us and Brasilistan and we'll be darned if any other pansy state tries to get involved. Keep up the current targeting of civilian centres – it's obviously hitting them where it hurts."

3. "Or... we could nuke them", your Minister for War says quietly. "Nuke them all. Brasilistan and any friends of theirs who join in. Wars are costly, and we already have more than a dozen bombs stockpiled. It won't cost us lives or money and it'll end this conflict quickly. It's time to show the world we mean business and we take war seriously."

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#399: An International Incident: Invasion Plan [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
Your government's response to Brasilistan holding @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ citizens hostage was to take out military installations and armament factories, weakening the country's military capacity.

The Issue
Despite having had a considerable amount of cruise missiles launched at their military bases and airfields, the Brasilistanis are showing no signs of giving up the fight. Public opinion has turned to ending the conflict, and there is a growing consensus that invasion is the only way to finish it.

The Debate

1. "We've softened them up, but that doesn't mean that an invasion will be easy for us", you military adviser says, unfurling a large map of Brasilistan and laying it out on your desk. "If we land here, here, and here, at these beaches on the west coast, we can march to the capital and wipe out any resistance we come across. We'll need to do it in overwhelming numbers if it's to be any way effective though – it's likely we'll lose a significant number of personnel."

2. "We'll be unnecessarily putting thousands of lives at risk if we do that", your Chief of Staff chimes in. "What we need to do is take out the boys at the top. Chop the head off the snake, as it were. If we cripple the chain of command by a decisive strike to the heart of Brasilistan, I think we'll find the invasion will go much more smoothly. We should be able to airlift our best commandos into the capital without too much difficulty. I trust them to complete the mission. Do you?"

3. "Invasion will cost our soldiers their lives, and we shouldn't put a single citizen's life at risk", your Minister for Domestic Affairs muses loudly. "Brasilistan is proving tougher than expected, their resistance is admirable, but it's time to put this whole thing to rest I think. I suggest we go nuclear. Couple of bombs in a couple of hours and this whole thing will be done by tea-time."

by **Valentine Z** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#400: An International Incident: Insurgents Resurgence [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
With Brasilistan's military weakened, you sent in some commandos to assassinate the leaders of the armed forces.

The Issue
Your elite commando units have managed to take out the command structure of the Brasilistan military, but its remnants are continuing to attack your troops present in the country. With public opinion beginning to turn, your advisers once again gather to discuss the situation.

The Debate
1. "We've gone this far, why not take it a step further", your Minister for Domestic Affairs says quietly. "Send in the rest of our armed forces to mop up, and then when they're done, encourage our own citizens to move there on a permanent basis. I'm talking colonisation here, yes, so it will be a long, drawn-out process, but we've invested so much already that it'd be folly not to follow through."

2. "Colonisation is expensive and right now it's unnecessary", General @@RANDOM_NAME@@ booms around the room. "But we shouldn't let them get away with hurting our boys over there. I don't know how y'all are feeling about this campaign but it's beginning to get on my back teeth and I'm getting sick and tired of these damned insurgents upsetting our every plan. We should just find them and kill them, and if we can't find them, kill anyone remotely connected to them. That'll teach 'em."

3. "Ah who cares about Brasilistan really", your National Security Advisor exclaims exasperatedly, throwing a pen across the desk. "I don't. It's causing us far much trouble, more than it's worth actually, and it's going to bankrupt us if we continue – and that's before we even think about colonisation. And even if we back out now, in a few years they'll retaliate once they've built up their strength. Let's nip this in the bud. Nuke them."

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#401: An International Incident: What's The WA Gonna Do, Anyway? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
Your government's response to Brasilistan holding @@DENOMYM@@ citizens hostage was to bomb the living daylights out of cities with heavy population densities. When questioned about this by other nations around the world, your decision was to call their bluff and continue in your bombing campaign.

The Issue
The relentess bombing of civilian centres in Brasilistan is causing mass casualties of innocents. International pressure is building as even allies of @@NAME@@ are now beginning to question the excessive force being levied upon non-combatants, insurgents, and enemy prisoners of war.

The Debate
1. "Ignore them, this is our war", Military Chief of Staff Dwight Powell snarls. "There are no innocent civilians in Brasilistan, they're all doing something to subvert our authority. We need to step up our game against these darned insurgents – show no mercy! No more taking prisoners of war either – kill them if they even so much as look at a weapon!"

2. "Now there's an idea..." @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the head of your protection service muses aloud. "And he's got a point too; they are all really insurgents, even if they're not taking arms against our boys. How about we stick it to the international community by rounding up some villagers and 'take care of them' right there on live television. And when other governments complain, which they will, we can doctor up some intelligence, say they were commanders of the insurgents, and that the live execution was a message - we're not playing anymore."

3. "Just nuke them", Captain @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your aide-de-camp, says in a passive tone. "We are a sovereign country, we make our own decisions. This is not their business, and this is not their war. If they criticise us, or try to use that World Assembly to do anything about it, nuke them. Just nuke any country that dares speak out. We have tons of nukes and we only need one per country, after all."

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#402: An International Incident: They Surrendered... Now What? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
In order to fight back against Brasilistani insurgents, rebels, and guerrilla warfare, you laid down harsh justice and declared a regime of no tolerance, with instant death as a penalty.

The Issue
Military intelligence is reporting that a sizeable number of the insurgent forces have surrendered after a particularly brutal battle. Your advisors have gathered around you once more to discuss the developing situation.

The Debate
1. "This is great news", your Foreign Secretary Hillary Smoochinger says with a smile. "We can finally end this drawn-out conflict in Brasilistan once and for all if we accept their surrender. This is the vast majority of the native armed forces, but there'll still be pockets of armed resistance left and doubtlessly some horrid guerilla warfare. If we accept this surrender and treat the imprisoned survivors well enough, I think the remnants may be convinced to law down their arms."

2. "No. Absolutely not!" barks the operation commander from over your right shoulder. "Let's just deal with this and finish the job. Keeping these rogues alive would compromise the security of Brasilistan and the lives of our men on the ground. We should just kill them and set an example – do not mess with @@NAME@@. We'd best kill their families too so there's no retaliation. Just to be sure."

3. "I agree, finish the job", says your Science Minister. "And I have just the idea to do so – nuke them! I mean, look, we've wanted to test out our weapons for a while now, and the insurgents are all gathered in one place. Yes, we'll get some of our own men, and yes it'll destroy Brasilistan, and yes it will make people mad at us, but think of the greater good!"

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#403: An International Incident: We Done Killing Yet? [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
Your counterinsurgency has been killing rebels on sight - along with their family, friends, and local postmen.

The Issue
With the vast majority of Brasilistani insurgents dead, there is no longer any threat to @@NAME@@'s soldiers in the nation. Questions now arise with what you should to with the war-torn state and its beleaguered and weary remaining citizens.

The Debate
1. "We should probably round up a whole boatload of our own citizens and ship them over to settle the place", your Minister for Labour @@RANDOM_NAME@@ says eagerly. "I suggest the unemployed. We could send them over, have them occupy the territory for us, and then lay the groundwork for a new, more stable nation. And if individual Brasilistani disagree? Well we'll give our settlers some weapons and let them sort out disagreements."

2. "Aha! Ha-ha-ha", your Chief Science Officer Professor Maxx von Strangehate cackles. "Occupy! What a silly goat you are! No, leader, what we should do is use Brasilistan as a nuclear testing site. Think of it! We'd get rid of all our problems in one easy go, and prove to the world at large how powerful we are! It's not as expensive as occupation and there'll be no gas bill at the end of it either. We already have the weapons, all we need is your say-so!"

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#404: 404 Issue Not Found [Sedgistan; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
Upon arriving at your desk early this morning, you were stunned to find there weren't any dilemmas to resolve.

The Debate
1. "Well it's not surprising, it is?" pipes up @@RANDOM_NAME@@ from your entourage. "Every day, you expect the people of @@NAME@@ to come to you with their problems. Would it hurt you, for once, to go out and ask them what they want you to do?"

2. "They've given up!" grumbles @@RANDOM_NAME@@, ever the pessimist, "and I don't blame them. All these decisions, made with the best of intentions, and they always go wrong. From tax code reform to that incident with Brasilistan, nothing ever goes quite the way it should. Just give up, and let someone else call the shots for once."

3. "Nonsense!" trills the annoyingly chirpy @@RANDOM_NAME@@, pirouetting around your office. "There's just nothing left to fix. Yes, @@LEADER@@, that's right. It's perfect. @@NAME@@, @@DEMONYM@@, you. All perfect."

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#405: An International Incident: Time For A Colonyoscopy! [Sanctaria; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
The problems in Brasilistan were mounting daily. So, when push came to shove, an advisor told you to just take it over. And you did.

The Issue
The dust has settled and, somehow, @@NAME@@ is now the proud owner of a new colony! There are still some teething issues, however, and there are some cultural and societal conflicts between settlers and native peoples. It's up to you on how best to resolve these issues.

The Debate
1. "Obviously we need to remove the settlers", @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Chairperson of the @@NAME@@ Council of Immigration Studies says frankly. "Pulling out completely and leaving the remaining populace to their own devices, however, would be detrimental and irresponsible. Ideally what needs to be done is to make Brasilistan a full part of @@NAME@@, and give the remaining Brasilistanis full citizenship. We'd all be part of the same country, with the same citizenship, and the same rights and responsibilities."

2. "Woah, hold on there, that's way too drastic, and way too fast", your Interior Minister chuckles. "That's not going to solve the issues they're facing today over there right now. We need to come up with some sort of initiative that slowly integrates the Brasilistanis into our culture. You should appoint panels of arbiters consisting of international experts to broker agreements between settlers and natives where necessary too. It'll work, definitely. Probably."

3. "It's our land now", your energy advisor says quietly. "It's ours. Our own. Our precious. Eh, where was I … oh yes, Brasilistan. Look, there's not that many Brasilistani left, let's just give them the useless pockets of land. Like those on mountain slopes or in bogland. All oil-rich and arable lands can be kept for ourselves. Sure, it's a little like segregation, but at least everyone will be happy, right?"

4. "All these options are valid, to be sure, but I have an easier way of settling this", @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the nation's nuclear program says in a matter-of-fact tone. "Can we please just nuke the place? Get our own guys out first, obviously but then just nuke it. We don't need a colony, but we do need a nuclear testing site. Our own citizens here are getting annoyed we're destroying good land in @@NAME@@ when there's a perfectly good dump in the form of Brasilistan."

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#406: An International Incident: It's The Final Countdown [Sanctaria; ed: Maxtopia]

The Story So Far
You have decided that the only sensible response to the crisis in Brasilistan is a nuclear one.

The Issue
@@NAME@@'s nuclear missiles stand ready. You know the risks. You've weighed the options. But the @@NAME_INITIALS@@SA requires your final approval before launching a nuclear strike on Brasilistan.

The Debate
1."There is nothing left to discuss," says General @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, his voice echoing strangely loudly in the crowded war room. "The way forward is clear. Indeed, it is the only choice remaining. We are locked into this course of action. There's no actual decision to be made at all. So go ahead. Press the button. There's no stopping it now."

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#407: An International Incident: Brasilistan Go Boom [Maxtopia; ed: Sanctaria]

The Story So Far
You decided to deal with the crisis in Brasilistan by launching a wave of nuclear strikes.

The Issue
When you give the order to launch the nukes, your general briefly leaves the room. The moments tick by. When he returns, he simply nods once. "Birds in the air." There are almost two dozen people around this table, including some of the most brilliant minds and fearsome personalities in @@NAME@@, but none of them speak. "Three minutes until impact." You expected more activity. But there's nothing to do. There aren't even any gigantic computer screens, tracing the path of the missiles. It's beneath you, you suppose. Your job is not to track the flight of missiles. Your job is simply to decide. And that's what you've done. You've decided to annihilate another country. You look around the table at your advisors and soldiers. Some nod back at you reassuringly. Some won't meet your eyes. Not everyone will agree with you, of course. But it's not their decision. It's yours. The general leaves the room several more times. Finally, he returns. "It's done," your general says. "It's done."

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#408: Easter Egg: Pony Peril [Sedgelight Sparkle; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
A revolution in Maxtopia in which the state was take over by brightly coloured, anthropomorphic magical ponies, has made the government aware of the threat posed by ponyists in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. "It's clear what we must do" bellows @@RANDOM_NAME@@, four star General in the @@NAME@@ Armed Forces. "These creatures, cute though they are, would seek to undermine our way of life, and threaten our very existence. This infestation cannot continue! We must round up all the ponies in @@NAME@@, execute them, and leave their carcasses to the crows."

2. "What a waste" interjects adhesives magnate @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, rubbing his hands with glee. "These ponies are one of the great resources of @@NAME@@. It's simple. Just slaughter them, dismember their corpses, and boil them down into glue. Our industry will be the envy of @@REGION@@."

3. "Don't you think they're both overreacting?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, owner of @@DEMONYM@@ Salt Co. "These ponies are dangerous, but we must show some compassion when dealing with them. Instead of killing them, do the humane thing and force them into slavery. In fact, why not make it compulsory for @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ to travel everywhere by pony?"

4. Psychiatrist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ implores you to see sense. "These poor creatures aren't actual ponies. They're misguided, delusional humans, wearing silly costumes. We must help them. A dose of electrotherapy should fix their warped minds, and any deviants who aren't cured can be lobotomised."

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#409: Water Palaver [Eremora; ed: Lenyo and Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The last remaining health advocates in @@NAME@@ have approached your office with a list of grievances about the "special additives" your government has placed in the water supply.

The Debate
1. An aging punk rocker with faded tattoos of X's on her hands argues, "The government adding chemicals to the water was a terrible idea. Forcing us all to drink these things against our will; that's a breach of bodily autonomy. People should be allowed, at least, to choose to opt-out of this harebrained program. Sure, providing PURE bottled drinking water to the citizens who want it would increase taxes, but think of all the jobs it would create! With clean hydration, our nation could accomplish so much more."

2. "Duuuuuude, we didn't go far enough," wheezes @@RANDOM_NAME@@, creeping into your office from an open window. "It was a great idea to put chems in the water, and it'd be an even greater idea to get some feel-good drugs into the cocktail. Everybody must get stoned, man; it's like that song. Now, it is a shame and an outrage, dear leader, that users of certain socially stigmatized drugs continue to be left out in the cold. It isn't fair that people who like to drink the tap water get it for free, while I have to spend my hard-earned @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ importing rare diamondback licking-toads. The government should add more highs to the supply, man! Subsidize recreational drug use!"

3. "So many voices. So many opinions. So many options..." intones your sinister intern, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, shrouded in kretek smoke. "Some people need drugs to keep them calm and supporting our party. Others need drugs to feel good when they inevitably get stuck in miserable, pointless, dead-end jobs. Others, still, might benefit from drugs that help them go berserk on the battlefield. Naturally, government officials such as myself would benefit greatly from enforcing, shall we say, selective sobriety. Best of all, we could harness the power of addiction! People would have to listen to us - or else!"

4. "That sounds... downright frightening," shudders @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your medical advisor. "If I may be honest, I think we went too far when we laced the public water supply. I'm not saying we should ban anything, but we really shouldn't force anyone to ingest these substances. People shouldn't have to collect rainwater if they just want a refreshing drink."

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#410: 12 Angry, Tired, and Increasingly Confused Men [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
The trial of one of @@NAME@@'s most notorious embezzlers has ended after eight years with a "Not Guilty" verdict, despite most legal experts considering the evidence overwhelming. Some have suggested that trial by jury should be abolished for certain complex financial crimes.

The Debate
1. "Eight years wasted on that crook all because the jury couldn't keep up with the technical terms involved!" rants exasperated state prosecutor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, stuffing papers into a briefcase after the trial. "I'm not saying we should do away with trial by jury altogether, but for cases like these, which involve a great deal of expertise to even understand the laws in the first place - corruption, fraud, insider trading - there's simply no benefit in depending on a group of uninformed citizens to come up with a verdict."

2. "Why are we so hung up on trial by jury anyway?" shrugs the author of the controversial bestseller Leviathan: The Matter, Form and Power of @@LEADER@@'s Mother-in-Law. "When you go to the doctor, do you depend on twelve random strangers for your diagnosis? Of course not. Democratic principles have their practical limits: we mustn't entrust the courts to dull-witted jurors who don't understand basic concepts such as reasonable doubt."

3. "Ooh, and what else do you expect me to do, luvvie?" clucks @@NAME@@'s most prolific juror, @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ as she rolls up a copy of this week's Alright! magazine. "You know, I wouldn't mind deciding on parking disputes, especially if I get to chat with Rita from the Milton murder trial again. Did you hear she's had her hair done again - oh, where was I? Oh right, well this 'pyramid scheme' thing might've given me a headache, but at least it got me out the house."

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#411: Outed Teacher Ousted [Roulantina; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A religious high school in @@CAPITAL@@ has caused quite a stir after firing a teacher because of his homosexual orientation.

The Debate
*1. "I can't see what they did wrong," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, proud parent and founder of the Holier Than Thou prayer group. "Homosexuality is an apostasy onto everything we stand for and believe in! I don't want my children to be exposed to it. Teachers are role models for their students for heaven's sake. I say all sodomites should be banned from teaching at all schools in @@NAME@@, lest the contagion spread." [Must not have corporal punishment]

2. "Prohibiting people from doing their jobs just because of their love life is utterly ridiculous!" shouts a mad-as-hell civil rights activist, "Don't we live in modern society? Giving these fundamentalist idiots what they want is a huge violation of human rights. All people should be able to do their jobs, whatever their sexuality!"

3. "This is yet another example of what harm religion does to our society," says LGBTQ activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a rainbow flag. "Homosexuality shouldn't be a taboo subject anymore. Children ought to be brought up knowing that sexual diversity is just something that exists in society and is completely normal. To help society move forward, we need to get rid of religious schooling and teach that people should love whoever and whatever they want."

*4. "I can't see what they did wrong," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, proud parent and founder of the Holier Than Thou prayer group. "Homosexuality is an apostasy onto everything we stand for and believe in! I don't want my children to be exposed to it. Teachers are role models for their students for heaven's sake. I say all sodomites should be flogged publicly for their crimes, lest the contagion spread." [Must have corporal punishment]

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#412: The Magic (Of Advertising!) School Bus [Teh Fluffles; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
An educational budget shortfall has prompted several local school districts to allow companies to advertise on school buses. This, of course, has aroused a major controversy over the ubiquity of advertisement.

The Debate
1. "I would like to let you know that I have a problem with this," states high-school social studies teacher @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "I teach my students all the time about the negative effects of advertising on the populace, and then at the end of the day, they leave on buses inundated with this very corporate propaganda! It must be outlawed! And since we're so strapped for cash, have the rich pay up for once."

2. "Corporate propaganda?" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Omni Consumer Products, "You've got to be kidding me! This is all harmless, you see. The advertising on buses is great for the school systems. How else would girls know that Maxxxi brand pads are right for them? Now, if you just sign here, businesses will be able to cover the buses with signs - to support education, of course - and perhaps we can advertise all over the schools themselves, too."

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#413: A Shot in the Arm [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
The dreaded Rubellan Measles has made a sudden comeback in @@NAME@@. The disease, which once killed millions, was thought to be wiped out after a vaccine was discovered fifty years ago. Medical professionals blame a recent anti-vaccination movement, which has turned immunization into a political football.

The Debate
1. "I'm not going to allow my babies to become slaves to Big Pharma!" bemoans parent and prominent anti-vaxxer @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Did you know that vaccines can cause autism and stunt a child's development? I can show you several studies that say so! These pharmaceutical companies are even putting nanobots in their vaccines! Nanobots! It is the right of every parent to determine what is best for their children."

2. "Please. Those so-called studies are nothing but hokum," counters your physician, Doctor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while checking your heartbeat with a stethoscope. "Vaccines save lives every single day. If it weren't for vaccines, Rubellan Measles would have killed off half of @@NAME@@'s population by now! There is absolutely no correlation between autism and vaccinations. Any scientist or doctor worth their degree will tell you that. If anything, we should make vaccinations mandatory for the health and well-being of @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ across the nation." The doctor snaps on a rubber glove. "Now, let's hurry this up. Cough, please."

[3]. "I agree, but we also need to send a message to these awful anti-vaxxer parents," states child psychologist @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Not only are these parents putting their children in danger by refusing to vaccinate them, they are putting all of society in danger. Do you really want to have an outbreak of Rubellan Measles in @@NAME@@s schools and daycares? I didn't think so. I recommend giving these parents a short jail sentence and banning their children from education until they're vaccinated. Sure, some people will complain about this being a violation of their rights as parents, but surely the health and safety of children trumps those concerns?" [Must have prisons]

4. "You know, we wouldn't have these problems if the population was more scientifically aware," muses amateur scientist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while pouring a vial of green liquid into a vial of purple liquid. "Movements like these are bred from ignorance and misinformation. If the government took an active role in promoting science and education this problem would go away. You could invest in real scientific studies and programs, make science classes mandatory in schools, and arrest any religious nuts who attempt to disrupt our work. @@NAME@@ would enter a new Golden Age!" The vials of liquid suddenly explode, covering your office with smoke and an unusually colored foam.

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#414: Subpar Suburbs [Luna Amore; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A water main burst in a suburb of @@CAPITAL@@. After months of inaction, the pool of standing water has turned the now largely abandoned commercial district into a watering hole for local wildlife. Local businesses have come to you demanding change.

The Debate
1. "If the state of our town proves one thing, it's that the government is completely incapable of running it properly," argues cycling enthusiast and owner of the local bike shop Gone With The Schwinn, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Government priorities shift with each election cycle making it impossible for any real growth to happen. We need to privatize the local government if this town is going to run a profit again. Companies can bid for control of everything, from garbage collection to city hall!"

2. "You want to do what?" protests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Mayor of the city. "A town is more than its profit margin, @@LEADER@@. Sure, we've seen better days, but it's because our budget has been hacked away year after year. If the government would invest in our fair town instead of throwing it to the wolves, we'd be back on track in no time."

3. "These plans, they have no charm, no wonder!" announces Elias Yensid strolling into the room with an elaborate model city. "I present to you the Exploratory Paradigm City of Tomorrow! What my team and I aim to do is transform this rundown one-horse town into the forefront of science, technology, and international togetherness. Maybe we'll even throw in a roller coaster or two. Think of it as a blueprint for the future! With me in full control of course."

4. "Every one of these plans conveniently forgets about the animals," chastises the head barista from Bean Me Up Coffee. "Y'all saunter in here after mother nature has made the best of a bad situation. That watering hole is crucial to the local wildlife, and it simply isn't fair to take that away from the bunnies and deer and the cute little birds. Let's take whatever money we were going to waste on rebuilding this failing town and turn it into a nature reserve."

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#415: Brain Pain On The Sports Plain [Have fun with it; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
@@ANIMAL@@ball - a sport that is extremely popular in @@NAME@@ but not so much anywhere else - is causing a slew of concussions in @@DEMONYMADJETIVE@@ schools. Brain trauma from the head-on collisions is causing cognitive problems and - on occasion - deaths.

The Debate
1. "You have to stop this madness!" yells @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, the mother of an eighthback for @@CAPITAL@@ High School. "My son has received so many concussions that his grades are dropping. To hell with tradition, our children's fragile brains are more important!"

*2. "Come on, @@LEADER@@. You're not actually thinking about this, are you?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, PR rep from the @@CAPITAL@@ Wyverns, a professional @@ANIMAL@@ball team. "I know it's tough, but without @@ANIMAL@@ball in the schools, who will be the great pro athletes of the future? Need I mention that @@ANIMAL@@ball is a storied part of @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ culture dating back generations? You wouldn't want to mess that up, would you?" [Professional sports are legal]

*3. "Come on, @@LEADER@@. You're not actually thinking about this, are you?" says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, coach of the @@CAPITAL@@ Wyverns, a well-known amateur @@ANIMAL@@ball team. "I know it's tough, but without @@ANIMAL@@ball in the schools, who will be the great weekend warriors of the future? Need I mention that @@ANIMAL@@ball is a storied part of @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ culture dating back generations? You wouldn't want to mess that up, would you?" [Professional sports are illegal]

[4]. "It's not just @@ANIMAL@@ball," mentions @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a techie joining the conversation via Trype. "Think about legball. Concussions happen there all the time. It's just not in the news anywhere as often. And then there's hoopball. They wipe each other out all of the time. Us video gamers have fun without ever knocking our skulls together. I propose we ban all physical sports. It's only the safest op-" @@HE@@ says before the screen turns off with a security guard twirling the plug. [Video games are legal]

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#416: Prophet Margins [Luna Amore; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A recent national survey found that 40% of @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ regularly consult fortune tellers.

The Debate
1. "These 'fortune tellers' are nothing more than scam artists!" cries @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ from his soapbox, "This is clear-cut fraud and should be punished as such. They can't see into the future! No one can! We need to lock up these crystal-ball reading hacks for the good of @@NAME@@!"

2. "Banning these fortune tellers only treats the symptom, not the disease, " states your Minister of Education, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "If our people are dumb enough to believe this hokum, then we've got a serious education problem. Clearly we need to increase our school budget and start an outreach program to stamp this problem out at the source. It'll require more taxes, but the people need our help."

3. "I foresee a great eeeeeeeee-vil if you listen to these advisors," moans Mystic Meg, a prominent fortune teller clad in bangles. "You are in great danger, @@LEADER@@. GRAVE DANGER! You must ignore these naysayers, for they will certainly lead to your downfall! Obviously the government needs its own oracles to foresee catastrophe and guide us through troubled times."

4. "Consider the opportunity this presents, @@LEADER@@," says your chief counselor as he steps from behind the arras, "Almost half of the population believes this hoopla. We must encourage this new faith as much as possible. With a handpicked staff of prophets to forecast what we want and spies monitoring every freethinking opposition group, society will be yours for the taking."

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#417: Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte [Junkula; ed: Lenyo & Ransium]

The Issue
Your personal assistant, Charlotte Sweet, has threatened to tell the newspapers that you had an affair with her unless you give her lots of money.

The Debate
1. "Even if you never went near her, we can't let this story get out," says your Chief of Staff. "Think of the scandal! No, no, no. Pay her. Pay the tabloids. Pay anyone who's ever heard the word affair! Pay them as much as it takes to make this disappear. Sure, this might be a quick and dirty solution, but sometimes you have to put your career first."

2. "We just have to make sure she doesn't win over the public with her deceptions," counsels your attorney, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Force all the newspapers to expose her as a liar. Release statements saying you stand by your family. Drastic measures must be taken to ensure media truth! Now let's prep your testimony. Repeat after me: I did not have an affair with that woman."

3. "Maybe this little problem really isn't a dilemma," opines your press advisor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We live in modern times, and I don't think the public care about who sleeps with whom. You're better off seizing the initiative and telling the world about every relationship you've had in a series of memoirs. Make it juicy enough to be exciting, and at the very least people will say you're honest. People don't say that a whole lot about politicians these days."

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#418: That Sinking Feeling [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Hundreds of lives were lost, and millions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ squandered, in the recent sinking of the passenger ship RMS Gargantic. While the cause of the disaster has not yet been ascertained, it has been uncovered that the emergency services somehow completely failed to come to the rescue, exacerbating the death toll.

The Debate
1. "What a tragedy!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@ at the grave of a victim of the accident, "It's clear that we must take drastic action to make sure this never happens again!" After blowing her nose, she continues, "We must put much more funding into the Coast Guard, light houses, communications equipment, our ports, round-the-clock submarine patrols... heck we should even have cameras on trained fish if it'll help. Damn the expense; lives are at stake!"

2. "What a tragedy!" cries your finance minister as he obsessively goes over budget accounts, "Look how many Shiny Things this debacle cost us! We can't even blame it on those pesky opposition activists this time either! Obviously the Coast Guard needs to take full responsibility for this disaster, because clearly they can't get the job done under pressure. All they really do is harass tourists anyway. We should abolish the wasteful department and then cut the tax rate as an apology to the public."

3. "Blub-blub-blub," says diving enthusiast @@RANDOM_NAME@@ just before climbing out of the water, "Sorry, but have you seen the wreck down there? The Gargantic is so amazing! And all those skeletons really give the place that spooky, old-timey feel. We should totally advertise these sea-wrecks. Imagine the benefit to the economy. This could be: 'You've seen it in the headlines... now come see it for yourself!' The government could even post weekly updates on where the latest wrecks are."

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#419: RED Rover, RED Rover, Send Your Money Right Over! [The United Federations of Planets; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A group of very excited scientists has requested funding for a new space mission to land the Rapid Empyrean Delivery (RED) Rover on a passing comet.

The Debate
1. "It will be more than thirty-five years before we'll have another opportunity like this!" exclaims RED Project Leader, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, nearly bursting with excitement. "Remember, no other nation has attempted a comet landing, so @@NAME@@ has the opportunity to add all kinds of discoveries to the body of scientific knowledge. Admittedly there's no guarantee that the RED Rover will successfully land, but I'm sure we'll work out all the technical details."

2. "There's a reason that other nations aren't blowing government money on worthless scientific projects," rants your military advisor, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Wasting billions to put a remote control toy on a giant ball of ice in space isn't going to prove anything. What our nation needs is the respect - and by respect I mean fear - of other nations. Let's take out that meteor as a demonstration to the world of our martial prowess."

3. A frantic-looking citizen with a tinfoil hat bursts into the room bellowing, "NO! Our weapons are no match for Cxaxukluth, The Blackness from the Stars. Cxaxukluth uses comets to deliver his messages of creation! We must divert our entire telecommunications infrastructure to communicate with the comet in order to discover his all-powerful commandments!" The lunatic collapses, mumbling gibberish.

by **Valentine Z** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#420: Caught Green Handed [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A surprising number of politicians from all walks of life have admitted to smoking Maxtopian Grass and other soft drugs. Some are calling this a fragrant disregard of the law, while others believe this should spark a major shift in @@NAME@@'s War on Drugs.

The Debate
*1. "Isn't this typical?" scoffs columnist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Once again these crooked politicians are getting away with things that would put us regular folk in jail. The government is sending a very mixed message by not acting on this. They decry drugs; yet several of their own are known users. If the government has any sense of credibility they would send these criminals to jail with the rest of the druggies." [Must have prisons]

*2. "Isn't this typical?" scoffs columnist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Once again these crooked politicians are getting away with things that would see regular folk punished. The government is sending a very mixed message by not acting on this. They decry drugs, yet several of their own are known users. If the government has any sense of credibility they would send these criminals to rehab with the rest of the druggies." [Must not have prisons]

3. "On the contrary; this sends a very clear message," replies a man with a large beard while smoking an unidentifiable substance, "The latest polls show that the majority of @@NAME@@'s voters disagree with the government on this issue. More people than ever before are supporting legalization, particularly among youth. It seems like a few of our politicians have finally caught on. Instead of punishing these brave men and women for a victimless crime, let's do something positive and legalize the stuff already."

4. "I've got an idea!" suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an advisor you thought you'd fired last month, "We can't alienate our conservative base by legalizing drugs, but we also don't want to send our political allies to jail. What if all the politicians wrapped up in this scandal set the record straight by saying they didn't inhale? That's what we experts call deniable plausibility."

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#421: No Child Left Behind Enemy Lines [Al-aqar; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A tear-stained petition crosses your desk, signed by a newly-formed coalition of parents whose school-age children have been killed in action. They demand you revisit the nation's policy on minors in the military.

The Debate
1. "It's barbaric that we have children in the military!" sobs bereaved father @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@. "Why do we put our little ones in harm's way? There must be a better way to keep this country safe. I'd gladly go to the front lines instead, if it meant my children's safety. Our kids should be in school, not the workplace and definitely not the army."

2. "We really need that child labor to keep the military running smoothly," concludes auditor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ after reviewing the budget for the thousandth time, "but they don't necessarily need to be frontline infantry. In order to console parents, we could restrict children under the age of majority to non-combat roles such as maintenance and cooking. That sounds like a fair compromise to me."

3. "It's not our vertically-challenged recruits that are the problem; it's the guns!" bellows Quartermaster Sergeant @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They're too big for our pint-sized patriots. What we need are appropriately-sized weapons to outfit the army. It might not protect the grunts in combat, but at least they'll take a few more Bigtopians with them when they go. Shoot, we could even export the miniature weapons - turn ourselves a profit while we're at it!"

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#422: Wounded Veterans Demand A Helping Hand [Exemplaire; ed: Golgothastan]

The Issue
@@NAME_INITIALS@@BS Nightly News has run an interview with a former @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Army officer who has resorted to using a hook as a replacement for the hand he lost in combat after the Department of Veterans Affairs failed to cover the cost of prosthetic surgery, prompting a deluge of complaints about the way @@NAME@@ takes care of its wounded veterans.

The Debate
1. "You can't ask young @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ to go overseas to serve their country and then abandon them when they come home injured," insists recently returned double-amputee @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Wounded veterans like myself who have given their limbs for this nation deserve to live in handicap-accessible housing, and to have the cost of our surgeries and therapy fully covered, even if it does cost an arm and a leg. What's the point of spending so much on expensive new tanks and planes if you're not going to take care of those of us who have given so much already?"

[2]. "We couldn't agree more that these brave veterans deserve a better standard of living," hastily interjects @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of military equipment supplier Global Strategic Solutions, Inc. "But there's no sense cutting procurement orders to pay for it. We would consider it our patriotic duty to foot the bill for free prosthetics for anyone injured in the line of duty ourselves. And all we'd ask in return is an agreement to plaster -- er, decorate -- the prostheses with advertisements for our civilian sales branch." [Must have private industry]

3. "That takes care of the symptoms, but not the cause," announces Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of the @@NAME_INITIALS@@AF's highly secretive Special Projects Division. "As long as we insist on using flesh and blood troops on the battlefield, these kind of injuries are going to continue to cause so much inefficiency -- oh, and human suffering too, I guess. I say it's time we unleashed Operation Codename: Giant Killer Robots!"

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#423: Returning Holy Warriors Cause Trouble [Interzone Inc; ed: Golgothastan]

The Issue
In a bloody civil war in nearby Maxtopia, the majority Violetist community is rebelling against a minority-led secular government with a terrible history of human rights abuses. Some Violetists from @@NAME@@ have traveled to Maxtopia to fight on the side of their fellow believers, and are now returning home.

The Debate
1. "These Violetists are coming back brainwashed with fundamentalist ideals and trained in terrorist methods," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Internal Security. "They're a real danger to us all. You've got to detain all of these returnees for interrogation, until we can be sure that they're not planning terrorist atrocities here, however long that may take."

2. "This is all a massive overreaction," opines sociologist and civil rights campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The Violetists are no threat to us in @@NAME@@. All we need to do is provide humanitarian aid for the victims of the civil war, and some help for the returnees to reintegrate into society. I'm sure that none of them would want to cause trouble here."

[3]. "That's pointless," insists @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, one of the more bellicose members of the General Staff. "The real problem is clearly in Maxtopia. We should bomb the Maxtopian government until they agree to be nice to everyone." Then he pauses, looking confused. "Or maybe we should bomb the rebels until they agree to be less fanatical." He pulls a map of Maxtopia out of his back pocket and shows it to you. "Look: we've got plenty of great targets that we could hit. We could even bomb the Bigtopians to prevent them from entering the conflict. Let's just bomb all of 'em, eh?" [Must have a military]

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#424: You Just Sank My Battleship [DWAsnia; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
Last month the @@DEMONYM_NOUN@@ Navy's flagship scandalously sank while docked in the Lahabana Harbor. After analysis, experts concluded the primary cause was rust from poor maintenance.

The Debate
1. "Can't you see we need a hand in the navy?" complains Commodore @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while directing a diving crew, "How are we supposed to maintain our fleet if our routine maintenance budget is so paltry? Bigtopia has better warships, and you can't tell me they're a martial powerhouse. Grant me as much funding as I need so this doesn't ever happen again."

2. "This only proves that battleships are obsolete," concludes @@RANDOM_NAME@@ after watching the newest Star Trek movie, "@@NAME@@ needs weapons to combat the problems of the 23rd, I mean 21st century. We need to start research and development of an interstellar fleet or we'll be left behind in the arms race against... I dunno Klingons?"

3. "I know the real cause of this catastrophe," claims Crazy Boris, your least reliable spy, "Blackacre is obviously behind this attack. The signs of sabotage are everywhere." He takes a swig of vodka before continuing, "The engine explosion was most likely caused by my old nemesis, Ussa Maddox. Give me a free hand and I'll purge the spies that have infiltrated every level of @@NAME@@."

4. "You're all ignoring the bigger problem!" shouts a protester outside your office window, desperately trying to catch your attention, "That sunken battleship is polluting the environment horribly. All kinds of chemicals are seeping from the wreckage, and we're doing nothing to clean it up. Instead of building yet another war machine, how about we clean up some of our old messes, starting with this shipwreck."

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#425: Teach Your Farmers Well [Ouiatenon; ed: Raurosia]

The Issue
After witnessing the horrors of both falling crop yields and furious farmers, your Secretary of Agriculture has proposed state-funded agricultural education.

The Debate
1. "Agriculture used to be the primary industry of @@NAME@@ and now look at us! Our lettuce is a let-down and our beets are barely pink!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Secretary of Agriculture. "But just send some funding to colleges, and show those city boys how to weed, water, and sow! It'll cost the taxpayer but I'm sure they'll sacrifice a few @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ for firmer tomatoes and browner potatoes!"

2. "Well, that's one option," muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@ an acquaintance of your brother's mother-in-law. "But this is such a fundamental sector of our economy that we can't leave it up to the farmers to choose whether they go to college or not. The government ought to make getting a degree mandatory to enter agriculture. Doctors and lawyers already need them, and can you really call them more important than the farmers?"

3. "Mandatory degree?!" thunders @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ from atop his tractor. "Them college boys don't know nothing about farmin' that my old man didn't teach me! We've been tilling this land for seven generations, and by hickory we know how to do it best - we don't need any guv'ment folks tellin' us where to plant potatoes or what pest killers we can use! Now some of us farmers ain't the best, but same goes for those university-educated doctors and lawyers!" He trails off, still angrily waving an absurdly tiny carrot.

[4]. "You know, all this talk has got me thinking." notes socialist thinker @@RANDOM_NAME@@, brandishing a sickle. "@@NAME@@ has plenty of arable land, just perfect for cultivation. But we're going about it precisely the wrong way. You just can't trust private citizens with the people's own food. If we just nationalize the farms, production will surely rise! And with it, the proletariat!" [Must have private industry]

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#426: Women In Uniform Under Fire [Vihenia; ed: Kandarin & Lenyo]

The Issue
After a female @@DEMONYM@@ soldier was taken prisoner and brutally tortured in a recent skirmish, some citizens are calling for an end to female enlistment in the military.

The Debate
1. "This is a travesty!" argues Colonel @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@. "@@NAME@@'s women are our most precious jewels, and we've been letting them go out and die on horrible, bloody battlefields. We need to make the frontline combat exclusively for men, or our womenfolk will be in peril. Women should be content with support roles like nurses, secretaries, and cooks so we can free up fighting men for the meat grinder - I mean, the front."

2. "The nation needs more fighting men, all right," retorts Corporal @@RANDOM_NAME@@, phoning in from the front lines. "So much so that it doesn't really matter whether they're men. We should do away with all sexual discrimination in the military. So long as soldiers can meet physical requirements, shoot straight, and be ready to fight and die with a cry of '@@SLOGAN@@' on their lips, I say that's all that matters."

*3. "But that would send our womenfolk to fight in the wrong wars," protests infamously chauvinistic General @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, emerging briefly from a fortified bunker. "Women are needed on the home front, producing babies for @@NAME@@ so we don't get outnumbered by those fast-breeding savages we call our neighbors. It's not like weakling females can actually fight, anyways. And to ensure our conscription numbers are nice and high, it would be strategic to outlaw contraception and abortion." [[Must not have vat-grown people]]

4. "See? This sort of griping is why women are the only ones fit to be soldiers at all," says obscure feminist author @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@. "You don't see women falling all over themselves to be a hero and keep men out of harm's way. Women are more rational, keep cooler under fire, and are just as physically fit as men. I say we keep the men home and have an all-female military instead."

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#427: They Took Our Gubment! [Trippoli; ed: Sedgistan]

The Issue
@@CAPITAL@@ media has been abuzz with gossip that Harold Weissenegger, a former bodybuilder and action movie star turned politician who immigrated from Smalltopia at a young age, is set to run for Parliament in the upcoming election. With Weissenegger already ahead in early polls, the legality of an immigrant running for office has been brought into question.

The Debate
1. "You can't allow this," protests @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, currently a distant second in the polls. "I've put fifty years of my life into this country, all to see a Smalltopian barbarian muscle in on what should rightfully be my job? If we don't take action now," she continues grimly, "who'll stop him when he's after your job?"

2. "Why stop there?" queries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairperson of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Nationalist Workers Party. "Immigrants are a danger to our society and cannot be trusted! Letting them in this country is one thing, letting them RUN it is an entirely different story. That's why we should ban immigrants like this 'Eradicator' from being police officers, judges, lawyers, or indeed any job that creates, interprets, or enforces the law!"

3. "I live here, work here, pay taxes here... well I live here," monologues Mr Weissenegger after smashing your door down for dramatic effect. "So there's no problemo with me running for office." As he tramples out of the splintered doorway, his last words are carried to you: "Or I'll be back."

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#428: Crop Circles Clutter @@CAPITAL@@ [Human Olympus; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After several years of beaming Earth's location into outer space, it seems somebody has finally responded... by leaving cryptic messages in the form of crop circles in the fields around @@CAPITAL@@. You tried to summon the nation's leading minds to concoct a response, but only three eccentrics showed up.

The Debate
1. "Aliens! They're aliens I tell you!" raves @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Alternative History Channel's most notorious correspondent. "Finally we can establish a dialogue with the great extraterrestrials who helped mankind leap from the stone age to the ancient monuments of old. This is clearly a depiction of their alien moon. We should study it to learn more about them."

2. "That's no moon!" bellows @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the nation's foremost authority on Battlestar Galactica fanfiction. "It's obviously some alien form of surveillance, preparation for an invasion. I say we rally the combined military forces of @@REGION@@ and just shoot into the sky until we hit something! We're bound to kill at least one alien invader before we all die a hero's death!"

3. "Um, has anyone noticed that looks an awful lot like @@CAPITAL@@ FC's logo?" counters Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while spreading aerial photos of the phenomenon across your desk. "There's a logical explanation to all this that doesn't involve aliens. The circles were probably caused by intoxicated farm boys. Actually, investing in a small program to teach farmers how to operate machinery more responsibly couldn't hurt."

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#429: No Representation Without Taxation? [Bears Armed; ed: Golgothastan]

The Issue
The recent publication of a book "Who Pays For Government?", written by internationally famous economist Millicent Freeman, has triggered a public debate about voting rights.

The Debate
1. "Look, it's simple," explains Finance Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Most things the government does cost money. That money has to be raised through taxes, so anybody who doesn't pay any tax shouldn't have any say in choosing the government either. We should make paying at least a specified minimum amount in tax necessary for inclusion in the electoral lists. It'll reward those who actually contribute to society, and give those who don't a bit of incentive to pull themselves up by their bootstraps."

2. "That's not going far enough!" insists teenager @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing a homemade Guy Fawkes mask while borrowing the controversial objectivist tract Maxlas Shrugged from the @@CAPITAL@@ Public Library. "Since state employees - like this parasite helping me check out my books! - are drawing their salary from the government, they're not contributing anything to the economy either, and they should be excluded from voting too!"

3. "No, no, a thousand times no!" notorious labour rights activist 'Red' @@RANDOM_NAME@@ protests. "Voting is the most basic right we have, and election day is the one time when every @@DEMONYM_NOUN@@, rich or poor, is an equal. The right to vote has to be protected for all @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@, and election day made a public holiday so that working class people can afford to vote without risking losing their jobs. The dip in productivity is more than justified by ensuring everyone has a chance to perform their civic duty."

4. "That's very stirring rhetoric, but I wonder if everyone really feels that way," muses libertarian scholar @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a research fellow at the Nyancato Institute. "So why not give everyone the choice? Make it legal for people to sell their votes, and leave it to them to decide what's more important to them: keeping their vote, or feeding their family."

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#430: Easter Egg: Please, Sir, We Want Some More Issues [Eta Carinae; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
With the same old dilemmas confronting @@NAME@@ time and time again, people are demanding to know why there aren't more genuinely new issues.

The Debate

1. "Well, that's because they're all twaddle," says [violet] matter-of-factly while twirling a lighter in her hands. "I'm sick and tired of reading that garbage. I've decided to scrap the player-submitted system -- but don't tell anyone that. The endless waves of hate mail would overwhelm the server."

2. "The aim of this site is to promote my novel, not the writing talents of literary wannabes," scoffs Max Barry while sipping an iced-Margarita on a yacht in the South Pacific. "I've ordered the mods to only approve mediocre issues to ensure that no one discovers there are better writers out there than me."

3. "I've been combing through the queue, carefully examining each draft and determining its potential," sighs Sedgistan who is sitting next to an orderly stack of drafts stamped 'no way in hell'. "I'm confronted with thousands upon thousands of issues. I have to manage multiple editors and somehow still place in the Mod Olympics. Do you have any idea how much stress that puts on me? That's why it takes so long. Stop breathing down my neck. If you want to be useful, go help out the newbies in Got Issues."

4. "Huh? What's that?" says Sanctaria absentmindedly, looking up from an intimidating series of flow charts. "More issues? Well, it's your lucky day! I'm working on my next great chain. It will dwarf my last one in size and complexity. Forget everything you know about issues, every rule you think we can't break, because this chain is going to break them all."

5. "I couldn't agree with this more!" yelps Comrade Lenyo, his arms full of drafts. "We've received over 6,000 submissions! If we just got rid of the delete button, that'd be over 6,000 more issues. Who doesn't want that? Why are we still wasting time talking about this? Why are you reading this instead of submitting more drafts for us to add? EVERY. SECOND. COUNTS!"

6. The deafening Voice of Mod booms down from the heavens, "You will receive new issues when you receive new issues. Your questioning is undermining the authority of the mods. I've deleted enough nations to know flaming when I read it. You have been warned."

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#431: Gone A Stray [Junessa; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A group of distraught high school girls has brought the problem of stray dogs and cats around @@NAME@@ to your attention.

The Debate
1. "There are too many strays just wandering around!" screams a concerned high school student as she feeds leftover scraps to a noticeably spooked mutt. "We need to gather all these poor animals and get them into a nice shelter where a loving family can adopt them and take care of them - whether they want them or not."

2. "No! No more animals, please!" begs animal shelter director @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ as she struggles to latch a cage full of cats. "Look, I love these fluffballs as much as the next guy, but we just can't handle any more. We're up to our ears in animals! The problem isn't with the strays, it's with irresponsible pet owners not spaying and neutering their pets. It's high time we required everyone to fix their pets. Do that and this problem will disappear."

3. "These animals deserve to be free!" screeches @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. "They found a home in the back alleyways and dumps. Who are you to take them away from their homes, tame them and make them your slaves? They don't exist for your entertainment. We must free all of the animals!"

4. "Let's not get hasty here," interrupts Major Burns while polishing his oakleaves and war medals. "Now these animals could be of use to the police here and overseas with our brave soldiers. There are plenty of jobs that simply aren't suited to our patriotic boys in uniform. Yes, plenty of dangerous jobs. It's not like these strays are going to be missed. And at least we'd be giving them hot meals and a dignified purpose!"

[5]. "One bullet each should do the trick," bluntly states a mustachioed local-government employee while loading a revolver. "Problem solved." [Guns are legal]

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#432: Children In The Lead? [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
A recent broadsheet special on the children of other leaders in @@REGION@@ has brought attention to the lack of children in your own residence. Mindful of your dipping approval, some of your advisors have begun to wonder if some popularity could be won back by having a kid or two.

The Debate
1. "This is a golden PR opportunity," exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, representing Moral Minority. "Imagine: you'd be the wise family figure. Think how much the people will love your new baby. You'll be the epitome of family values leading everyone into domestic bliss. And think of the merchandising! I mean, think of the children."

2. Maxford University demographer and suspected eugenicist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ disagrees. "The fact is our nation is overflowing with young ne'er do wells. They commit more crimes, are more prone to rudeness, and worst of all are least likely to care about your good works, @@LEADER@@. We have to send the message that we are going to do something about the troublesome demographics, and a good place to start is by you staying childless. And if we really want to crack down on population growth, we need to double down on border security too."

3. "Or how about adoption?" schemes @@RANDOM_NAME@@@, your PR expert." I could see you with a nice adopted Lilliputian boy and an adopted Maxtopian girl. It would look great in front of the cameras. You could be the most multicultural and tolerant leader in @@REGION@@! And if everyone follows your lead, the orphanages won't be nearly as dreary!"

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#433: The Worst Storm To Hit @@NAME@@ Since... Yesterday? [Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf; ed: Golgothastan]

The Issue
After the eighth terrible super-storm to ravage @@NAME@@ this week, residents of the affected areas, your own advisers, and random people seeking shelter from the elements have gathered in @@CAPITAL@@ to see whether anything can be done.

The Debate
1. "I'm tired of these storms, @@LEADER@@," sighs @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, who looks as though he's just been dragged through a tornado. "The winds of this last storm were over 300 kph! My house was blown away! Something must be done to prevent buildings from being destroyed. Maybe if the government made it mandatory for all buildings to pass a disaster safety test, it would solve all our problems." He plucks a bird's nest from his hair before continuing. "I'd be prepared to pay a little more in tax if I still had a roof to sleep under!"

2. "Did you see how many times my supposedly lightning-proofed house was struck by lightning this morning?" cries violently twitching government advisor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, still smoking and smelling of ozone. "But when I was struck for the fifth time, I had something of a light bulb moment - literally. Why not create a way to turn the lightning strikes into energy for the city? Think about it for a moment: every time a bolt of lightning hits, we could harness the energy to charge the grid. Of course installing all those conductors is going to be horribly, horribly risky, but just think of the savings once they're in place!"

3. "Forget the wind and lightning, did you see the hail? It's the size of minivans!" screams @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, her voice echoing out from her hiding place beneath your desk. "My house was flattened like a pancake! What we need is some sort of weather machine that can limit the destructive effects of these storms. Sure, it'll cost trillions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in the first year alone and we'll have to divert funding from all other government departments to pay for it, but we could finally be safe."

[4]. "Never mind about the wind and the storms, they're merely a glimpse of our punishment to come!" exclaims Order of Violet cleric @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a prophetic text in your face. "The Book of Violet says that after me shall come the flood! We must retreat to the ark and prepare to cleanse our souls!" [Violetism is legal]

5. "You're all panicking, when you should be seeing this for the great opportunity that it is!" suggests the ever cryptic Minister of Creative Solutions, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We could make @@NAME@@ the tourist capital of the world relating to bad weather phenomena. All we need is to set up some dangerous storm spots as sightseeing destinations and we could be rich! Maybe the temperature will actually get below -40 degrees soon so we can unveil our 'Freezing Experience' tour."

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#434: Fraternity Furor [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After a drunken brawl between rival fraternities resulted in the deaths of five university students, concerned citizens across @@NAME@@ have questioned whether fraternities serve a purpose in modern society.

The Debate
1. "Dude! You can't ban fraternities," says @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, member of Mu Alpha Xi, while crushing a beer can against his forehead. "Fraternities are like a brotherhood. They give us a sense of belonging. Sure, some of us may get a little out of hand, but we have a right to hang out with whoever we want. Don't we have like, uh, freedom of assembly or something like that in @@NAME@@?"

2. "Fraternities continue to be an embarrassment to @@NAME@@'s universities," muses your geeky nephew as he peeks his head over a quantum physics textbook. "Don't forget that the same guys who shoved me into lockers in high school are the same ones being caught uttering awful chants and participating in hooliganism. College isn't about getting drunk and partying. It's about studying, working hard, and preparing yourself for the real world. Shutter the frat houses, so us students can study in peace and quiet."

3. "Come now, old sport, you can't listen to this poppycock," scoffs grey-haired University of @@CAPITAL@@ alumnus @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, sporting a swordstick and a hat displaying the symbol of an alleged secret society. "Back in my day we didn't have these problems with our fraternities. The problem is because you allow any Tom, Dick, and Harry into our fine organizations without the proper credentials. Fraternities used to be only for the wealthy and shall we say, @@NAME@@'s better citizens. Go back to the old ways and I'm sure these scandals will disappear."

[4]. "The problem isn't fraternities. It is alcohol!" invokes Reverend Joylove. "Some of these young men are a part of my flock and are otherwise upstanding citizens of society. I'm sure that they would never have become involved in a violent fistfight if it weren't for the alcohol polluting their bodies and souls. Instead of punishing the sinner, we must eradicate the sin. Alcohol is the devil's nectar, and it poisons the mind! For the good of society, we must ban all alcohol in @@NAME@@!" [Must not be Atheist]

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#435: A Working Class Hero Is Something To Be [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
The quarterly production reports show that a worker from Northern @@NAME@@, Alenyo Stackemup, has mined more unobtainium ore than all the other workers in his district combined, leading to questions about how the state should recognize such spectacular industriousness.

The Debate
1. "Comrade Stackemup is truly setting a fine example to the workers of @@NAME@@!" enthuses the invariably optimistic Minister of Industry, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Clearly we should be rewarding such commitment to the cause. If we increase his ration allowance and give him a nicer state apartment to live in, the other workers will be motivated to match his output. Of course we'll need a big promotion campaign to get everyone pumped up, but it'll pay off with a new age of economic productivity!"

2. "You're forgetting our revolutionary ideals," interjects the more idealistic Minister of Resources, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "From each according to his ability - to each according to his NEED. Comrade Stackemup doesn't need any more rations than any other miner, and building socialism is its own reward. Giving special treatment to workers who produce more will only lead us down the slippery slope back to capitalist exploitation."

3. "I actually think we have a bigger problem than that," says the perpetually suspicious Minister of Internal Affairs, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Have you really looked at the numbers his district has claimed? According to their report, Stackemup's production level was OVER 9000! That's just not possible: no one could humanly shift that much unobtainium. They're obviously falsifying the data. We need to eliminate such corruption with a thorough audit of the whole sector, and in the meantime, don't go making an example of Stackemup and his supposed achievements: we'll all end up embarrassing ourselves."

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#436: Votes, Place Your Bets! [Sierra Lyricalia; ed: Golgothastan]

The Issue
In response to a news story about a casino oddsmaker using offshore betting lines to perfectly predict @@NAME@@'s last set of election results, interested parties have wrangled their way into your office to bicker about what to do with this potential prediction tool.

The Debate
1. "Have you no decency whatsoever?" thunders @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Violetist demiarchwizard of @@CAPITAL@@, before anyone else can say a word. "Even if gambling WEREN'T a mortal sin, the democratic process will fail under such a mighty burden! You must outlaw gambling on elections. Card games are one thing, but this is gambling with the very future of @@NAME@@! Oh, and we should crack down on those sinful casinos while we're at it."

2. "Now, there's no reason to get excited," soothes @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the @@NAME@@ Commissioner of Elections. "We can use this in a nice, boring, I mean safe, kind of way. Why don't we take bets on elections like bookmakers would take bets on @@DEMONYM@@ Pharoah in the @@CAPITAL@@ Derby? If the Election Commission runs all the action, we'll keep out the riff-raff AND put a little extra cash in our domestic budgets."

3. "Legalized gambling on ALL votes would be real sweet for our little thing-- uh, for the economy," confides @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, an unindicted co-conspirator in the trial of notorious mobster Maxine "The Octopus" Barryotti. "Folks should be allowed to make a little somethin' when their favorites win, am I right? More jobs, more civic participation! And just between you and me, we could really clean up." He nudges you with his elbow, glances around, and continues quietly, "Some candidates might just be headed for a fall, know what I mean?"

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#437: Blue Screen Of Economic Death [Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf; ed: Lenyo]

The Issue
After a major server crash ceased all economic activity in @@CAPITAL@@ for 36 hours, furious powerbrokers have packed your office demanding immediate government action.

The Debate
1. "This is a travesty!" cries ex-multi-trillionaire @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose entire net worth was lost in the crash. "This would never have happened if I had all my money printed out and locked up in my safe behind my... never mind that. The point is that I have nothing to my name! I can't eat, my yacht was repossessed, and - dear Violet - I had to sleep next to filthy homeless people last night! The old system of bank notes and coinage was working just fine, and we need to go back to it NOW. We can't survive another major server crash like this."

2. "You can't be serious. Do you know how good digitalization has been for our surveillance programs?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Security Agency. "Terrorist attacks have dropped 75% since we've been able to monitor all commerce. Seventy-five percent! Do you have any idea how much of a feat that is? Obviously the @@DEMONYMINITIAL@@SA should monitor our electronic records to protect us from all internal threats, both terrorist and accidental. With us safeguarding currency records and watching all telephone and internet traffic, the nation will be safer than ever."

[3]. "More regulations? Bah! Hasn't the government already proven that it doesn't know what it's doing?" questions Microcosm CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Such a large project as currency digitalization is clearly a job for a multinational corporation, like say Microcosm. We can outsource the data storage to other countries where the labor costs are lower, and then your precious currency data will be far, far away from any domestic problem and much, much closer to SNAFU's in Marche Noire. No downsides!" [Must not have Autarky]

4. "The internet has failed us!" dramatically declares a doomsayer outside your office. "Wireless connections are unreliable, while USB mass storage is infallible. We can carry all our monetary records around our necks. Down with the internet, long live the pendant!"

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#438: Judicial Review On Trial [Auralia; ed: Golgothastan]

The Issue
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of The @@TYPE@@ ruled that an obscure clause of the Constitution invalidates a government bill reaffirming the ban on same-sex marriage. Two groups have gathered in @@CAPITAL@@, one to protest the decision, the other to applaud it.

The Debate
1. "Could somebody please explain to me why a few unelected codgers in black robes are allowed to dictate public policy?" rants @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the infuriated MP whose bill was overturned by the decision. "Judges are supposed to enforce the law, not legislate from the bench. This is a judicial putsch! A threat to @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ democracy! Tyranny! Parliament was elected by the people of @@NAME@@ and so the only checks to our power should come at the next election, when voters can decide for themselves whether they approve of our policies or not."

2. "Democracy is nothing more than a tyranny by majority without constitutional safeguards," cautions civil rights campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose amicus curiae was referenced in the decision. "The very fact that the Court is unelected means that they won't be afraid to make bold decisions, while our politicians are busy pandering to the lowest common denominator. All Parliamentary laws should have to be reviewed by the Court!"

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#439: The Law Of Exodus [Nation of Quebec; ed: Golgothastan]

The Issue
Several prominent critics of the government's ban on emigration have been captured at the border after almost managing to smuggle themselves out of the country by hiding in a manure truck. Their arrest has triggered a debate about the merits of such strict border controls on @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ citizens.

The Debate
1. "It almost feels as if we're prisoners in our own nation," protests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while being hauled off to custody by several officers wearing pegs on their noses. "As much as we love @@NAME@@, not all of us want to live or work here, especially when there are better opportunities elsewhere. I was all lined up to take on an exciting new teaching job in Maxtopia, only for government goons to appear at my door to tell me I couldn't. How is that fair? The ban on emigration must be lifted!"

2. "Having a ban on emigration makes sure that our resources, I mean people, remain in @@NAME@@," reminds one of your most trusted, and sycophantic, advisers. "In fact, I'd recommend tougher enforcement of the ban. Oh! What about a massive wall surrounding our borders manned by armed guards? Huge guard towers! Tank and helicopter patrols! Freakin' @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ with freakin' lasers on their heads! We must spare no expense in keeping our iron grip - er, our loving hand - on every last @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@!"

3. "You're both missing the real solution!" interrupts your accountant @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while combing through your tax returns. "@@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ want to leave? Let them, but tax the Violet out of them before they go. A good 90% exit tax allows us a healthy return on our investment while getting rid of the traitorous scum who want to leave. It's win-win!"

[4]. "Have you ever thought of why people want to emigrate?" asks human rights activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who somehow managed to sneak past security. "Look around you: oppression and pollution everywhere. There are no jobs available: is it any surprise people are looking for them overseas? If the government actually did something to fix these things, no one would want to leave. Improve civil rights, expand public works programs, promote economic recovery, and the emigration debate would disappear overnight." [Unknown; environmental beauty too high?]

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NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

Re: NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

NationStates Issues SPOILER ALERT

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