Walter was sitting on the side of the bed almost motionless, his elbows supported by his knees, his head supported by his hands. His feet were planted firmly on the cold floor below him and he was naked, covered in a layer of clammy sweat. His chest barely moved, despite the fact that his heart was beating beyond any discernable number. The sheets, sprawled around him, were moist with both his sweat and the humidity in the air. He was trying his hardest to keep quiet, afraid to wake the woman who was sleeping somewhat soundly in the bed with him. Her name was Julia but he doubted that was her real name. She hadn't been particularly expensive but she had been worth every penny of it and the recent memory of the things they had done swirled through his consciousness as he sat there, thinking, wondering, and trying to put his dream together. It had been less of a dream and more of a startling revelation of reality and it had startled him right out of his sleep. He wondered to himself, Is that really what my subconscious conjures?
He opened his eyes to complete and almost total darkness. The curtains were drawn but the windows were open, not that they did much but to bring in the hot, humid, stagnant, and stale air that was just as motionless as he was. His eyes had difficulty making sense of much in the darkness and he wondered why his alarm clock didn't show the time. It took a few seconds for him to realize that the power had gone out but it was obviously still nighttime, given that his curtains weren't absorbing any light from outside. He stood but carefully so as not to wake the sleeping prostitute, afraid that it would be awkward. She was sleeping on her stomach and she was just as naked as he was except for the jewelry she still wore and the garter belt that he had requested. That had been an extra ten shingrots and he was more than happy to pay it to her at the time, when this whole ordeal still seemed like a good idea.
Her hair was curly and auburn, long but in good shape. For a prostitute, she wasn't disgusting or grotesque. She was actually a well-kept and hygienic girl who just happened to sell her body and her talents for money. Walter walked into the living room, casting a glimpse at her flawless back that radiated beauty even in the darkness. She was beautiful and that was really the reason why he chose her. He wanted someone who was beautiful, someone who could remind him of his wife. He sat down on the couch and looked at the coffee table in front of him. It was being illuminated by the moonlight that filtered in through the curtains. There were two empty bottles of liquor, a byproduct of both his preparations for tonight and the last night of tearful, solitary sorrow. He leaned back and looked up to the ceiling. The air was just as stifling in here as it was in the bedroom but there was less discomfort from sitting in here. Julia was, of course, not in here, she was in the bedroom. He wanted to leave, to get out of his apartment before she awoke but this was his apartment not hers. He wanted her to have been gone before he awoke but that didn't quite happen.
Without power, there was no way to tell what time it was without looking at a watch or turning on a cell phone. He had no desire to do either and instead he reached for a pack of cigarettes and withdrew one. He had promised his wife that he would quit but she was gone now so what good was a promise to someone who couldn't benefit from it. He put one into his mouth and lit it, sitting back and enjoying the smoke as it wafted into his mouth. The orange glow of its embers barely lit up his face but it was a beacon in the night and that beacon was somehow linked to the bedroom and he heard the springs on the mattress begin to squeak and creak. Julia was stirring and obviously finding that nobody was lying beside her anymore. Walter took another drag and heard footsteps. Aw fuck! He thought to himself as she emerged from the bedroom, her hair glowing in the radiant moonlight that hit her perfectly as she stood there in the doorway.
"You're awake?" She asked. Her voice was too sweet and too innocent to be real. She couldn't have a voice that beautiful and be a prostitute; it simply didn't make sense.
"I couldn't sleep." He answered, ignoring her presence almost.
"After that you couldn't sleep?" She giggled. "Maybe you want to go again? I'm okay with it." He thought for a moment and didn't respond to her. "You paid for me for the whole night and it's still night."
"I know I did. I'm not so sure it's a good idea."
"Wife? Girlfriend?"
"Not really." She walked over and took a seat with him on the couch, reached for the pack of cigarettes, and took one out with her teeth. She looked at him as if she was asking him permission to have one but he only lit it for her. She put her feet on the coffee table and sat back, letting the smoke go into the air.
"Honey I don't mean to seem like I care, I know that's not my business, I mean I'm a hooker right? But you've got a lot of demons going on inside of you, don't you?"
"What makes you say that?"
"You're just so cold. Listen, I've been with a lot of men, I'm better able to read men than you know yourselves. I know what you're thinking, what you want, what you are embarrassed by, and everything in the middle before you do."
"Is that so?" He was cold still but more because he was uncomfortable with this whole situation, especially right now.
"Yes it is. You've got something inside of you, some guilt, something strong, something bad inside of you. It's pulling you down, isn't it? C'mon I came in I saw the empty bottle of liquor on the table and the other one right next to it. When you were in the bathroom, I looked at the receipt. Nobody drinks that much that fast if they don't have some sort of pain they're trying to kill."
"You think that's really it?"
"You are too well-kept to be an alcoholic."
"I'm not."
"You know I'm nobody, I'm nobody you'll ever see again. You shouldn't be embarrassed to tell me something then. I know it's weird, right? Why would I be asking this? It's not part of my job description." She giggled. "Maybe I just want to help you?"
"Nobody wants to help me. Least of all not you and maybe you feel guilty taking my money and doing half a day's work?"
"I told you I can go again baby that's your decision."
"I'm sorry," he detected the annoyance in her voice at his comment but it subsided quickly thereafter his apology.
"I had this client once, kind of like you. Something inside of him was bad, really eating him up. He wanted something to go out with that night. Next day, he put a bullet in his head. Police questioned me about it but I mean I was fine; I didn't do anything. I felt really bad I mean I cried the whole night. I don't want to see that happen to you." She leaned closer to him, put her warm hand on his arm and felt the clammy sweat. It didn't necessary put her off but she could obviously tell that he was having a rough time. "Please don't be that call I get."
"You care this much about your clientele?"
"No I don't but I see something in you that I saw then but this time maybe I have a chance to do something about it. Maybe I was meant to be here tonight."
"Like fate?" His answer was cold still and it put her off a bit. She was trying to be open and honest but she wasn't going to be rebuffed for much longer, especially when it was certainly not her business.
"Yes like fate, what you don't believe in it?"
"No, no I do. I really believe in it and karma too. I believe that fate has something for all of us and well, I'm on the wrong side of it and karma too. There's really nothing more to it than that. I drew the short straw."
"What happened honey?" She had practically ignored her cigarette and the line of ash on her cigarette was drooping now, ready to fall to the couch or worse, on her.
"Car accident. My wife and I were driving home from a party. She'd been drinking, I never drank a drop in my life. I guess I fell asleep at the wheel, I don't know. I woke up in the hospital a week later. She had died. Ejected from the vehicle. There were no other cars involved. Just ours. She was pregnant too. A little girl, maybe six months, I can't remember it too well. Most of what was before was a blur." Anyone else recanting this story might have been teary eyed but not Walter. He was so numb from it that his tear ducts had gone dry long ago. "Thing is, I can't remember what she looked like. I just have photographs but only a handful. She was behind the camera more than in front of it. So what memory do I have? Nothing but fake memories because photographs are fake. They're not real. They're just images." Julia leaned against him and hugged his body. She put the cigarette down in an ashtray that she saw in the moonlight and kissed his shoulder. "Tonight was our baby's due date, I couldn't be alone tonight."
"Aw honey that's terrible." She didn't know what to say. "You can keep going."
"There's nothing more to say. I haven't gone to work since before the accident. They said I can take as much time as I needed and that my position would still be there for me."
"What were you?"
"Director of internal operations, someone who made decisions. I bet there's photographs on my desk still of the two of us. I can't bear to look at them." Julia realized that there weren't any photographs in his apartment. She had noticed that the moment she had arrived. It only dawned on her now why that was so.
"I'm so sorry, I will stay here with you, I promise, we don't have to do anything." She left her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, fighting back her own tears. He, on the other hand, didn't and instead he sat there, just as motionless and cold as he had on the side of the bed. Over the course of the night she had curled her body against his and he felt her warmth and though he wanted to shove her off and throw her across the room and take out the rage inside of him out on her, he knew that it would have been wrong and he would have been lying if he said he didn't like having her naked body against his, especially her breasts, which he had determined were very real and very perfect. The night continued onward and the moonlight faded as dawn drew closer. When the first rays of sunrise began to shine through the living room, he got a better look at the prostitute curled against him. She had been a real person, someone who treated him better than anyone else had in the past three months and she didn't even know him. That was something to behold and he cherished the thought as he reached behind the sofa and felt the cold and heavy metal of a revolver. It was then that she opened her eyes and like the sunrise, focused them directly on him.
Part IV