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Who will be the next Laborious Hawk*, Simeone de Bradini, or Val Kylx? [Actually, Laborious Hawk is still the Laborious Hawk and will probably be the next one, too]

Boldsport Magazine, proud purveyor of shoddy sports journalism since about last April, brings you the first in what is sure to be the global phenomenon of the Boldsports Sports Writers Awards for the greatest football players in the universe: The Galacticos Index.

Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, Izzy Worthette:

“Here we all are, gathered at the Royal Polarian Hotel up on Herring Island just north of Spittalsea, a day after the UICA Champions Cup 66 Final - congratulations to Real Azuris for a remarkable and thrilling win - and the time has come to announce the winners of the awards for player of the cycle, team of the cycle and young player of the cycle.

“Since a prestigious award of this magnitude is bound to attract the attention of big clubs to the lucky few who have been nominated for the awards, we have on hand football agent, dealmaker and notorious fixer Ezra Carp to analyse the market and the potential demands an agent - I mean a player - could make to jump into the transfer market. No doubt he’ll be talking up the market and touting for clients if he’s not busy so let’s keep an eye on him and his table of sheik friends over there, who look Gadiryan but certainly don’t sound it when you get up close to them. We also have television pundit Kirtland Straw here from our satellite television partner Spudnix Sports to recap some of the achievements of the nominees we have on the card tonight.

“It has been an exhaustive process to get to this point and the journalists who make up the panel of sports writers have followed no less than 224 players across the top of the game from 30-odd nations and 27 of the best clubs in world football. Since it would take all night just to list them all out, members of the audience here tonight have been provided with the ‘Longlonglist’ in their programmes.

“Kirtland, there are a lot of familiar faces on there of course, but any surprises?”

Kirtland Straw, Broadcaster, Spudnix Sports:

“Well I think the transfer of the Mercedinian military sergeant Sam Billic to Myrmidon in Ceni caught us all by surprise and they have done it again by sneaking in on this list - clearly we’ve got a bit of a rising star on our hands here with this one. A few youngsters made it onto the list despite not being first choice at their clubs - I’d cite Morris Morrison and Norberto Longes at Avenida Leal as examples - but clearly the wise guys on the voting panel are impressed with youth talent and want to acknowledge that, which will do wonders for their profile and marketability.”

Ezra Carp, super-agent:

“That’s right Kirtland. You look at young Roddy Fraser going to AFC Treason last season for 40 million green - crazy money, we all know that, but that sets the market value, doesn’t it? Clubs will think they might cash in and they’d be right - appearing on this longlonglist will easily put an extra 2.5 million clams on their price tag, and these youngsters won’t go for under 7.5 million now, I’d say.”

Izzy Worthette:

“And so onto the longlist, whittled down to the best thirty-eight players in the multiverse in the last cycle, although of course the locals will wonder why Tuw Turk didn’t make it.

The longlist, in alphabetical order, is as follows:”

Hannah Alcouin		24	CF	USI	Crawford City
Andrew Arrowsword	18	ST	CEN	Real Azuris
Elaine Ashdown		33	MC	NPH	Hastmead Diamante
Anthony Baudelio	20	ST	ESH	Phalanx AF
Jean-Marie Bentacur	24	MC	ESH	Baskita FC
Sgt. Sam Billic		29	ST	MRC	Myrmidon
Kris Campbell		30	ST	EUR	Ulsa
Romelio Ceballos	27	ST	PAS	1830 Cathair FC
Täjó Çíânflöné		24	ST	FFD	Raynor City United
Mike Flanningan		29	DC	USI	Ramusok United
Mâás Fôx		35	MRC	FFD	Directus
Roddy Fraser		20	ST	AUD	AFC Treason
Sean Fraser		31	LW	SJG	Real Azuris
Daniele Gentile		?	CM	OSR	Hastmead Diamante
Craig Gilbert		34	DC	EUR	Directus
Hector Grier		27	CB	ANG	Real Azuris
Catherine Gryphon	27	DM	BRE	Northern Union
Laborious Hawk		727	AMC	VAL	AC Itotz Zubia
Xavier Hertel		33	ML	QUE	CD FAS
Ror Jevdjevic-Hadsic	25	AM	FFD	Crisisbless
Aaliyah Johnson		25?	ST	OSR	Sabrefell Moths
Meagan Kelly		28	MR	CHR	Kionao Locals
Etamara Kulkkiia	28	MC	TUR	AC Itotz Zubia
Frank Lescott		33	DL	VAL	Tannenberg FC
Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar 733	AML	VAL	Raynor City United
Alexander Lopes		28	DR	VLD	CD FAS
Trejo Maes		25	DLR	FFD	Avenida Leal
Deirdre McNessa		27	DM	COS	Starling
Ruy Monrazón		26	DMC	FFD	Avenida Leal
Alan Moore		23	DC	ETM	Directus
Jaime del Olmo		33	AML	CEN	1830 Cathair FC
Pedrinho		31	ST	VLD	Directus
Drê Röènôùjýâ		29	ML/DLR	FFD	Brinemouth
Peter Svensson		26	DC	COS	AFC Treason
Adnan Szalai		26	MR	NPH	Ulsa
Abraham Terrazas	23	GK	SJG	AC Itotz Zubia
Rainyardil Toraandal	659	DC	VAL	Avenida Principal
Rodolfo Zelaya		31	CF	SJG	1830 Cathair FC

Ezra Carp:

“Clubs are going to have to pay top dollar to secure the services of one of these gems, Izzy. I’m talking about one and a half times the current average ‘high fee’. I’ve studied the transfer market in the last window and if you take the top ten highest transfer fees paid last time around, you’re looking at an average of 19.3 million moula. So I’m suggesting clubs looking to buy from the longlist will probably not get anyone lower than 29 million notes from this lot - minimum!

“Oh, and I must say, at this point - mostly highly over-rated player of the last cycle? It’s tough on the lad but look at Lucjusz Stef from Chromatika: he was unattached and Mar Sara paid 12.5 million spondoolies for his services - 12.5 million! To nobody! For an unattached player!”

Kirtland Straw:

“You’ve probably devalued him by about 70% there, Ezra…”

Izzy Worthette:

“We move now to the exciting bit of the evening when we begin to whittle down our candidates towards the prizes. First, I’m proud to present the Galacticos Index Team of The Cycle sponsored by the highly sought-after watch maker Schu-Tallinger of Reselia. Each player selected for the Best Eleven plus seven subs will receive a highly valuable collectors item platinum Schu-Tallinger timepiece as well, I’m sure, as renewed terms on their contract.

“The Boldsport Galacticos Team of The Cycle is as follows:”

Subs: 
Drê Röènôùjýâ; 
Sean Fraser, Laborious Hawk, Deirdre McNessa; 
Täjó Çíânflöné, Pedrinho, Andrew Arrowsword

“All the big hitters in there, Ezra - how much would it cost to put that team together, do you think?”

Ezra Carp:

“For that Galactico XI? We’d be talking astronomical prices, Izzy. Every one of those players is going to fetch more than the top price paid this time around - that was a cool 40 million bones for Roddy Fraser and for Hannah Alcouin’s unexpected move to Crawford City - they must be rolling in it, and ambitious too to lure a world cup champion to an unranked UICA side: watch for them over the next couple of seasons. If they’re going to spend big, I’d want to be in there with my stable of players, for sure. Anyway, I think prices for the band of eleven would go something like one and a half times the top dollar price; you’re looking 43 million readies minimum for any of these eleven, I’m sure of it, and 35 for the subs - at least.”

Izzy Worthette:

“And so to the shortlist for the player of the cycle. This is where we get to the real nitty gritty - thirty-eight becomes six. And the nominees, in alphabetical order, are:”

Andrew Arrowsword	18	ST	CEN	Real Azuris
Roddy Fraser		20	ST	AUD	AFC Treason
Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar 733	AML	VAL	Raynor City United
Pedrinho		31	ST	VLD	Directus
Adnan Szalai		26	MR	NPH	Ulsa
Rodolfo Zelaya		31	CF	SJG	1830 Cathair FC

Ezra Carp:

“Arrowsword’s contribution to his side’s sensational Champions Cup victory gets him on the short-list and I’m hardly surprised. He and Fraser are two young sensations who are going to dominate world football for years to come. The other four are household names already of course and it’s difficult to separate them. It will be difficult to separate them from their clubs too - inflation for these six on the Galacticos Shortlist means we’ll be talking silly money here - one and a half times the astronomical prices we were talking about before. Don’t expect to land any of these diamonds for less than 65 million nicker.”

Izzy Worthette:

“Talking of young sensations, let’s move on to the Boldsport Young Player of the Cycle, sponsored by NomNom world famous confectioners - because sometimes, sour sugar is good for you. With a number of young players competing right at the top of the sport already, this was a difficult and tightly-contested affair. And the winner of a lifetimes’ supply of sugar toucans and chocolate toads is…”

Kirtland Straw:

“As Rodraig Fraser stepped up to take Audioslavia's fourth penalty of the World Cup semi-final shoot-out, he probably wasn't thinking to himself 'hey, if I can score this, my country will have been in 11.8% of all World Cup Final games ever'.

What's more likely to have been going through the player's mind, however, is something along the lines of ‘crikey o’reilly’.

Whether or not Fraser was thinking about the weight of history, he scored Audioslavia's winning penalty with all the confidence and ease of a man who seemed to know which way the goalie was going to dive before he even took the penalty. Fraser's celebration, more relieved than anything else, showed just how far the young striker has come since his incident-ridden international debut last year. The boy has become the man.”

Izzy Worthette:

“Err, Kirtland, are you quoting Jeremy Jaffacake there?”

Kirtland Straw:

“Well, that’s fair attribution, I suppose…”

Izzy Worthette:

“And so we come to the final presentation of the evening - the Boldsport Galactico Player of the Cycle, sponsored by legendary dealers in precious objects, The Nomarque Mint of Taxhavn, who are providing the winner of this prestigious award with the equally presitgious prize of Nothing^TM - for the man, woman or person of indeterminate gender who has everything.

“It has been twenty-three years since the last issue of the Nomarque Mint. And now, at last, they present our finest creation to date: Orbis Vacuume, the latest in a legendary line of Product N^o.1’s by the world famous Mint. 134.373924 millilitres of purest hard vacuum encased in a 3mm Adamant shell of 65.4mm diameter and an impossible 103.36% purity; nowhere in the entire multiverse will you find such extraordinary refinement, polished to a near frictionless 0.1255mu.

“And, naturally, it is beautiful beyond any useful scale of measurement.

“But there can be only one Supreme Galactico or player of the cycle (mainly because we could only afford one Orbis Vacuume) and finally we are at the point where we can reveal them. But first, there must be honourable mentions for the close runners-up. In third place…”

Kirtland Straw:

“At 733 years old, the elfin winger at mighty Raynor City United is no spring chicken by any measure but continues to impress at the very highest level, and just completed a fine season. Winner of a Champions Cup medal the previous season, Lithvathar is dynamic in attack but with enough speed and sense of the pitch to make up on any sort of defensive lapse. She is not nearly as skilled as some of her United team-mates, but do not let that fool you, in a moment of magic she can undress an entire backline and set up more prolific scorers with easy chances… and yes, for the record, that’s a quote too.”

Izzy Worthette:

“In second place, and what a magnificent rise to the top of world football it has been in such a short space of time…”

Kirtland Straw:

“With a World Cup runners-up medal and a Champions Cup semi-final medal in this last cycle you could be forgiven for thinking young Roddy is a bit of a nearly man - and in some sense you would be right: he’s an Audioslav after all. So no surprise he has come second in the Galactico Index; but let’s not forget the lad is only 20. He has the world at his feet and I’m sure we’ll see him collect plenty of gongs or empty balls or whatever it is you're giving out in the future.”

Izzy Worthette:

“And so, finally, ladies, gentlemen, persons of indeterminate gender, gender-irrelevant children and anthropomorphic creatures of the more distant corners of the multiverse - the winner of the Boldsport Galactico Player of the Cycle is:”

Kirtland Straw:

“Adnan Szalai, the Ulsa wide midfielder, is deservedly labelled the best player in the multiverse, with his searing runs down the right, a mazy unpredictability and a street-footballer's way of going through people either to cross, pass or score himself - that’s what I read in the Brinemouth Herald, and I can’t disagree with that. Winning the midfield player of the season in Eura for his contribution to the Ulsa cause, he starred in the team that won the Globe Cup in Audioslavia and will surely go on to greater glory on the international stage.

Ezra Carp:

“He will surely also lead Ulsa to greater glory in club football Kirtland, not just because they are a fine team who will always compete at the very pinnacle of club football, but because no-one could afford to prise him away. Buying the Galactico will be a Galacti-con, I should think: he’s probably worth about one and a half times more than the silly money you’d have to spend on the Galactico shortlisters - so I think we’d be looking at an impossible bid of around 98 million frogskins or even into nine figures, if that’s even possible. People may laugh now, but seriously - I can’t see him going for less at the moment.”

Izzy Worthette:

“And that concludes the Boldsport Galactico World Player of the Multiverse for the present cycle. It only leaves me to assure the audience that Ezra Carp’s estimations of the world transfer market are entirely his own and clubs can spend whatever the hell they like on players during the appropriate windows. In a related note, and conversely, Kirtland Straw’s opinions are entirely not his own and come from quotes he has read on the International Domestic Soccer Newswires and in World Cup forum threads.

“We’re all off to paint the town a modest shade of green. Any complaints about the final decisions should be directed to spamfolder@boldsport.oi.

by **Bonesea** » Sat Dec 24, 2016 4:20 am

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