Ben writes poems and stuff

[Bezombia]

Poem #37

"From The Grave"


I think I'm out
Sound cracks out now
Get out very quickly
Out of my mind

Stand up and walk
I will walk out
Can't walk or talk
Walk this broken road

This is not life
What can life be
Is life just waiting
Life lived or thought

Rise from the grave
Read the grave stone
No grave brings peace
Grave events come soon

Mark my words now
Stay put now leave
Talk now shut up
Now I'm all alone

Clouds fill the sky
Now I'm sky high
No sky this year
Sky filled with tears

Waste away the time
Free the time is
No time is left
Time all is gone

I think I'm out
Sound cracks out now
Get out very quickly
Out of my mind

[Bezombia]

Poem #38

"Emotionless, IV"


I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain
For digging through lost thoughts and pain
Out of my eyes I only see red
Onward forever, cold and dead

I played the game and I took my shot
Around my neck I tied the knot
And now I don't know if I'll ever walk again
Onward forever, awake now and then

Trudging endlessly through this night
Corpses piled up out of spite
Pen in hand I sealed my fate
Onward forever, of doubt and hate

The future is dark and filled with fear
Your voice I would still die to hear
But I know that I won't get to make that choice
Onward forever, I can't rejoice

My mind's light is dying slow but steady
Oblivion waits and I am ready
Nothing but black inside my chest
Onward forever, emotionless

[Bezombia]

Poem #39

"Emotionfull"


I've said a lot about the time
When you and I were acting fine
I spoke out loud once and awhile
Now I carry something vile

But still this brain that I must fight
Allows me to stay up at night
The aching sight of your sweet eyes
Prevent my death through hopeful tries

And years go by but I'm still here
Calling out and hoping you'll hear
I try to pretend that I'm not pretending
Because I know my message isn't sending

But even as I call it done
Somewhere inside me I start to run
Gasping out for unearned air
From the sight of your hair

I understand quite clearly why
I still sit here and lie
But somehow I know that I
Can really start to fly

I never thought to ask myself
If you're cold-hearted too
I didn't think I could bear the weight
Of hate returned by hopeful hate

I call myself emotionless
Because it's a great excuse
To let myself be motionless
Without the sight of you

But you have given me hope
That one day I will not mope
And everything I ever asked for
Will be sitting outside the door

But all that is the past
And all that is the future
And nothing is the same
With me without your name

My eyes are slipping to the skies
My mind glazes higher
And of these massive chains I pull
Onward forever, emotionfull

[Bezombia]

Poem #40

"The Origin of Sorrow"


Part I: Overture

Come over here, get in line
For $2.50 you can buy back your mind
Don't look in the mirror, you won't like what you see
What more could you want from me?


Part II: Concerto

There was a time when I was
Barely alive
Kept down by weights of past visions
Implanted in me

I spent every waking hour
Looking ahead
Convinced that I would have to or I'd
End up dead

The great chains of history bore down
Upon my eyes
But my naive innocence and hope
Prevented my demise

Those days were drifting by ears
Painfully
I never thought I'd see the day
Where I could wake again


Part III: Sforzando

But ten years passed and I looked back
Before the days of the bible black
Seething venom from a time misunderstood
Because nobody believed that I would

The world collapsed around my ears
From the depths of my greatest fears
A sudden peace rose from the deep
Out of the corner of my eye it began to creep

A vile soup faded to gray
The clouds fell down and revealed the day
But I was still staring down at the ground
Determined to maintain my frown

It was only when I tripped on my hate
That my lust for violence began to satiate
I turned around slowly and what did I see
But my own naive face staring back at me


Part IV: Diminuendo

Another ten years gone
My life slowly trots along
Spend the days writing forty-odd songs
But the day-to-day life is getting long

The great calamity of modern life
Disappeared behind me
And although I was still ready for strife
I was forced to see

I left the bad like I wanted too
Didn't think how it'd affect you
Into the open skies I flew
Just like I'd said I'd do

The pain drained away as years went by
No suffering left, no tears to cry
All my greatest wishes came true
So why isn't the sky blue?


Part V: Intermezzo


Everything I ever wanted
Is laid out in front of me
And everything I ever wanted
Is now mine

I never could have asked for more
Then what I've got right now
No, never could have asked for more
So why do I want out?


Part VI: Crescendo

Hours go by and I start to see
Just why I had to leave
My reasons for succession are still very sound
But I've come 'round

My eyes turn skyward yet again
The clouds don't drip anymore
But I still miss the taste of the rain on my tongue
But I've found peace..?

Palms forward I take my hand
And try to talk myself down
But I finally start to see why I was always wrong
But I'm not wrong

Heaven sent the greatest gifts
That life could ever have given me
And if I could I would send them all away
Just for one day


Part VII: Rhapsody

How can I
Still reside
Behind these eyes
When I despise

All of my
Wildest dreams
Granted to me
But I can't see

Why do I
Ask for less
When I've got more
Then ever before

Where do I
Go from here
When all life's quests
Lie behind me

How could I
Still sit here
When life's great songs
Are behind my ears

Why is the
Pain still here
When the time has
Washed it all away


Part VIII: Presto

And the years go by and by
And I still wonder why
I gave away all my tears
Just to wipe away the fears

And rain won't fall
Even if I ask nicely
And the sun shines brightly
But blinds my sight

Although I talk about it
I still won't speak about it
I know I'll never be near
Without the constant fear

I walk freely in the meadow
Of lost doubts and shame
I desire those iron bars
That once kept my sane

I'm free to set my own course
But it's just filled with remorse
It makes no sense to chance the pain
But think of what I have to gain

The stars are perfect in this night
But inside me there's only fright
A single feeling I must enhance
A glimmer of hope to take the chance

But I'd be a fool if I thought it wasn't over
The thrill of the hunt or a four leaf clover
Anything that would bring me back
To the time when I couldn't slack

Back in the day I thought it was clear
My future seemed real and quite full of cheer
But now looking backwards I see it never went wrong
But yet I still wait for the funeral gong


Part IV: Finale

Did you ever hear the story
Of the man who got everything he ever wanted?
They found him hanging in his attic
With his doubts and fears on the floor

[Bezombia]

Poem #41

"A Lament by Candlelight (Part I)"


How long does it take
For a memory to become a dream?
And how long must I wait
For the present to become the past?

If I think about it long enough
Will the fantasy become real?
If I ask about you often enough
Will I be able to take your hand?

How long does it take
For my deeds to become a memory?
And how long must I wait
To escape this laden shell?

If I think about it long enough
Will I be able to sleep again?
If I ask about you often enough
Will I able to hear your voice?

One last time...
Just one last time...

[Cerillium]

I didn't realize you were a poet. I've enjoyed browsing through your work.

[Bilbo McSwagger]

You suck the same way a newborn sucks at the organic bottle that is his caregiver.

[Bezombia]

I didn't realize you were a poet. I've enjoyed browsing through your work.

Thanks!
And I didn't realize I was a poet either until a couple months ago, lol.

You suck the same way a newborn sucks at the organic bottle that is his caregiver.

not sure if rel

[Bezombia]

Poem #42

"Retrospection"


Did I make you boil over with anger
When I opened my mouth to speak
About everything you never
Wanted to
Say?

Were you hanging on the edge of your seat
When I looked at you in the eye
Were all your greatest
Fears about
Me?

Who exactly were you always running away from
All those years chasing the devil
Do you even know
Who I
Am?

[Bilbo McSwagger]

I didn't realize you were a poet. I've enjoyed browsing through your work.

Thanks!
And I didn't realize I was a poet either until a couple months ago, lol.

You suck the same way a newborn sucks at the organic bottle that is his caregiver.

not sure if rel

What do you mean?

[Bezombia]

Poem #43

"A Lament by Candlelight (Part II)"


If I looked at you in the eye
Would you laugh or smile?
If I asked you who you were
Would you tell me why?

If I called your name into the sky
Would you come running down the drive?
If I wrote your face out in the clouds
Would you come down?


If I spoke to you out loud
Would you turn to me with a glass-bound frown?
If I whispered unknown secrets in your ear
Would you still hear?

If I shouted down the road after you
Would you turn around to shout back too?
If I spent ten years tracking down your face
Would you let me into your place?


If I grabbed your hand by the fire
Would you join me in my desires?
If I asked you for one more night with me
Would you be able to set me free?

If I carve your name into my wrists
Would you suddenly start to exist?
If I poured my heart's desire down the drain
Would you help me ease the pain?


I never wanted to ask
Just why I was running from
What you and I knew perfectly well
Was you...

[Bezombia]

Poem #44

"One Breath"


In your last moments
When you're sinking down and down
What would you give for just one breath?
Would what you do to see yourself through?

Lying above your gravestone
Looking for a way out
What would you say, would you scream or shout?
How much would you fight to get out?

Floating down gracefully
In a sky of fire of magma
What would you trade for just one ounce of life?
Would you throw it all away for a chance to roll the dice?

Looking back through the mirror
Not understanding what you don't see
How much could the pain hurt without nerves?
Do you even want to be heard?

Standing on the threshold
Of the future and the past
Would you silently accept your death?
Or would you give it all away for just one breath?

[Bezombia]

Poem #45

"One Word"


If all you had was just one word
Left in the whole world
What would escape your cold lips?
What would you say on the final day?


An insidious life brings maroon-stained trails
Overwhelmed, uncomprehending of what it entails
Stepping up on the balcony written speech in hand
But offered only one word across the whole land

Would it be your name?
The last echoes of pain?
A person you once knew?
Or admiring the skies of blue?

Green passion-bound roadways of tears and regret
The world spited us all with the fear it beset
Carved into your wrist one word bloody and deep
Violently brought you into that peaceful sleep

Would you scream it out?
Or quietly throw it down?
Would you want to be heard?
Uttering your last word?

[Bezombia]

Poem #47

"One Beat"


One second passes but your time's already up
One heartbeat echoes out like a nuclear bomb
You see it with your eyes but you don't want to believe
What would it take to make you look pleased?


We dance around the metaphorical fire
With our brains burning in the center of the pyre
Our eyes meet, but without effect
We both just want our own to protect

Heartbeat by heartbeat we slide through the day
Never stop to wonder why we won't say
Each moment provides the next with meaning
Biding the time to put from screaming

Any one beat could be your last
But who cares about that when you're going this fast
My eyes stare on forever into the cold and uncharted
But I'd take that over the paisley and warm-hearted

One beat's all it takes to power up your mind
For a short while you can pass the time
Just hoping and praying that the next beat will come
But one day it doesn't, then just like that you're done


Does your heart beat too?
Do I even want to ask?

[Bezombia]

Poem #48

"One Eye"


One eye forward and one eye back
Don't let your sight wander off of the track
They'll come from the trees, swing right down and grab you
No time to think, just do

One eye black and one eye blue
With a little luck you'll see it through
Don't ask why just stare straight ahead
You don't want to end up dead

One eye blind and one eye staring
Don't know what for you're still preparing
Ascending forever stairs endless in number
With the promise above of some fruitful slumber

One eye closed and one eye open
But the visions you see are cracked and broken
Painful sights of a world unready
Masked by the darkness cold and steady

One eye stained and one eye hardened
Sights are seen that cannot be discarded
The fears of a memory long lost but not forgotten
Are doomed by a mind so soon begotten

[Bezombia]

Poem #49

"One Day"

Day in and day out
Life happens about
The hustle and bustle of the daily tussle
Almost makes me want to shout

But night after night
Distractions overcome the fright
And although I'm perfectly aware of my afflictions
I can pretend it's alright

My existence defined by what I might have
In a future more perfect than now
But counting my blessings and counting the hours
Reduced to possessions of earthly desires, I am


I have ten fingers and ten toes
Two eyes to see with and a nose
I have a bundle of cotton they call clothes
And I have an unending desire to know

I have two cars and their deeds
I have a bag of sunflower seeds
Handed to me from a beggar expressing his gratitude

Ooh, why is the sky so blue
When everything inside looks so gray
Every day

I have a thousand dollar computer
That gives me something to look forward to
I have sixty-eight dollars in cash beneath my mattress
But all the money in the world couldn't buy me purpose

I have refrigerator filled with food
That I mildly enjoy sometimes
I have two dozens clocks reminding me how long I have left

But ooh, why is the world so blue
When everything around me seems so gray
On this day

I have a basement filled with masks
That I cycle through per week
I have six pairs of skin depending on who I'm speaking to
But despite my words I don't really have much to say

I have six hundred square feet of drywall
That keeps the rain out and the anger in
I have forty-odd monotonous years ahead to expect from
But the years cannot help me bide my time

I have an inner circle of people
Who assume I'm always out of town
I have an hourly wage so I can buy more shit to distract me

But ooh, why are my eyes so blue
When inside I feel so gray
One day

[Bezombia]

*sighs*
And after half a month of buildup, and no less than one week of writing (these things usually take me only a couple minutes to write), without further ado...

---

Poem #50

"One"


I - Introduce This

On that fateful day
In the middle of a bleak December
The rockets exploded in the air
We all pretended not to care

But as the night stretched on
The hours wore down on our skin
And we realized that we hadn't won
The games were about to begin

Flash forward for as long as you please
Time is mostly irrelevant now
An entire society's wants and needs
Mean nothing to you or me anyhow


II - Breathe on Me

Seventeen years on the road to endless glory
We waited nights alive for peace
Skipping stones on an empty river
Falling apart piece by piece

Soon after midnight the hours disappeared
Can't tell what's real and what's fake
The picture frame describes my life without words
Painless existence defined by give and take

And as the sky starts to fall
I reap the harvest I waited so long for
And as I shout your name into the heavens above
Would you be so kind to confirm my deepest fears

But I'm seeing with new eyes now
And I'm finally understanding how
I let you slip out of my mind
I guess it just my time

Alone with my doubts and pain
Speaking out of a picture frame
I need to know if you're still real
Please breathe on me, please let me feel...


III - Alone Without a Word

An inch beyond my fingers
Salvation lies in waiting
I try to reach out and grab it
But I just can't touch it

The world starts swirl in magnificent reverence
Of a time built on happiness and fear
Sixteen years spent in life-long regret
Saves me from living too honestly

Asked politely to decline
All that was once mine
I know I'm running out of time

Burning up under the sun
I just can't seem to outrun
My own demise has unquestionably begun

I'm waiting for my world
Alone without a word
Salvation served on a silver fucking platter

Riding into the night
Trying to avoid fight
Against all that I built myself in spite

Is this really how I'll be
When you won't even speak to me
Throw me an hour, set me free


IV - The Heartbeat of the Funeral Drum

Cracking out of the serrated window
The sound could kill a weaker man
But when I'm begging on the streets of Ubar
Hoping for yesterday to equal tomorrow

I think back to the last time I heard your voice
You're not with me now, but I had no choice
It couldn't have ended any other way of course
But I'm still filled with remorse

I try to stifle back back the pain
It's a terrible day for rain
But oceans apart and miles high climbing
Cannot stop the feelings from dying

I took your eyes within my soul
Because I believed what I'd been told
About the promises of wealth and knowledge
But now I'm swimming in oceans of garbage alone

I still clearly remember the last time that saw you
Didn't think much of the door you were walking through
But now I'm much older and I can see how I was dumb
Because now all I hear is the heartbeat of the funeral drum


V - Blinded by a Future Perfect

So here I rest at the bottom of the sea
Fantasizing about images of you and me
One eyelid rises as it's all that I know now
Left to contemplate the who and why and how

My desperate pleas go answered forevermore
And the pain full truths I will continue to ignore
I can see behind my time perfectly clearly
But I still hold your memory so very dearly

Surrounded by the fruits of labor yet unspent
What did do, should I apologize or repent?
Is modern life just a series of distractions
Or one great challenge to overcome inaction?

Night after night I try to understand
Just how I arrived at this loveless and desolate land
Day after day I'm chasing echoes of your eyes
Surrounded by the comfort of my painful lies

Hour after hour and year after year
I'm running desperately from that infinite fear
Minute after minute my life is counting down
And as the seconds pass my smile becomes a frown

An eye for an eye and some dirt for loose change
Is how I convince myself that I'm not deranged
But through darkness your fleeting soul is my guide
It's quite a shame that's all that's left of my mind


VI - Zero

I'm waiting and waiting
On every waking hour
For you to come crashing through my door
But don't think I can take it anymore

In the beginning
There was no one but me
And then just like that there was you
And it was right then that I knew

In the middle
Of time immemorial
We danced around the fire
The light burned in your eyes

But your eyes
No longer do they exist
Is this what I was waiting for
When I stood behind the door?

In the late game
Staring past your face
I could not admit it then
The distance in my eyes
The darkness in my eyes

In the end
I watched you walk out the door
I started to plea for more, to whom I do not know
But the end was just the a transition for you
But not for me

It's day zero
I'm rising beyond my soul
But I'm still searching for you
Or someone with your eyes
Those eyes could kill a man
But I'm no man, I'm monster
A monster that should be yours

On the next day
I waited by my mailbox expecting you
But you did not arrive
Where were on that day?
Were waiting for me anyway?

A year later
I still stand in the same place as before
I still shout your name in my dreams
Waiting for answer from the stars

It's day one
I'm sinking below the sands
Hoping to find your hair
Buried underneath the air
Because I can't breathe
Without your scent in my nose
And who knows
Maybe one day we'll meet again
Be meat again
You and me

Thirty years later
I'm counting my sins
Hoping to cash them in for wins
How much would it cost
To bring you back to me

A lifetime later
I haven't forgotten your face
And I don't know if you're even still alive
But I strive every day
To remain in your possession
And I haven't changed position

I've lost track of time
Counting off the seconds since I last saw you
And I don't know if you even wanted me before
But I would sell the soul that I don't even have
Just to spent one more hour in your arms

It's nighttime
I'm lying underneath the stars
Hoping one will look like you
Because I think you want me too
And I'd like to believe
That I didn't make you leave
And that maybe one day
I'll be able to say
Hello

Hello
Hello
Goodbye


VII - The Ascent Transcendence

Overhead the stars shine bright
But I'm not looking now
Because deep beneath the diamond ground
I think I thought I heard a sound

Your voice resonates inside my mind
My thoughts begin to transpire
Your face is with me every day
As I sit silently by the fire

From deep within my dying soul
A call for help concepts
And echoes across the distant land
In hopes that you'll accept

But no one holds my leash today
And no one's going to make you stay
I hope one day that you'll be mine
But I'm confined to this cracked and broken mind

Oh the places we will go
In search of some derision
We offer each other a violent peace
To stop the cold indecision

I spend each night perfectly alone
Because nobody could replace you
I'd spend a hundred years painfully alone
Then settle for someone else on your throne

But no one drives us from behind
And no one walks us down their path
And so I dedicate my my mind
To chasing you, my estranged psychopath


The sun shines in upon my face
I know what I must do
And doubtlessly I'll place my thoughts
To fading memories of you

But I can see where this road ends
I know what happens when I'm done
And although I'll write poems about you
In the end I'm only..one

VIII - The Strong but Dying Light


I wonder if you read these
I'll never get the chance to know
I'd utter your name out loud
But my inner feelings I'll never show

You occupy my thoughts
Every waking and sleeping hour
Your memory is as beautiful as you
But more fleeting than a flower

The strong but dying light
Pushes back the eternal night
And although I call myself just one
I still don't believe that I won

A million miles and million days
Separate me from you
But for this all hell I'd raise
To make my dreams come true

The light is strong, yes, but slowly dying
My greatest fear is that I won't die crying
I wouldn't be alive if you didn't force me to try
But for now, and possibly forevermore, I must say
Goodbye

[Bezombia]

You know at first I wasn't really sure how I could possibly follow up from that, or if I was even going to. But then it hit me. I can. So here we go...

---

Poem #51

"The Hole"



I - Without

I awake from a seemingly endless slumber
I'm confused and dazed, surrounded by a haze
I look out of my pained eyes and I see
Nothing by solid rock surrounding me

Looking up I can faintly see a light
Shimmering down from ten thousand miles above
Looking around I'm sitting on the ground
In a massive hole at least five hundred feet round

Thinking to myself "This cannot be, how could this happen to me
How did I get here, how can I leave?"
I try to climb out using cracks in the walls as footholds
Progress is slow, but isn't it always?

Hours go by but the light is barely closer
My fingers are sore from seemingly endless climbing
The higher I get the better the solid ground looks from here
I start to forget why I wanted to get out anyway

It's getting late, I think, my fingers are very weak
The pain in my wrists grows and places a tear on my cheek
I decide it just ain't worth it, I was safe back on the ground
I let go and retreat myself to falling down

I spend my days now watching the dust fall
The pain subsided long ago but I remember it all
It might be boring but it's just too hard to leave
I kinda like it down here, at least that's what I try to believe

I purge my mind of any feelings of regret or remorse
This whole hole was a giant metaphor of course
From on the outside you look in and see a wreck
But it's better to stay in the hole then try to climb out and break your neck


II - Within


I'm on the outside now
I see everything looking in
I'm peaceful in my anger
Abandoned all that I used to hate

I fear no evil haunting
Just beyond where I can see
I hear no devil calling
All my life is lived painlessly

I'm far beyond the hole
That used to confine me
I've walked away, I live anew
I am my own path, I do what I want to

The future is bright and filled with good will
The present is complacent and fits the bill
No more am I shackled to what which kept me down
No more must I fear losing grip and falling down

I left the hole without me long and long ago
I thought I'd purged myself of all that evil's know
But the hole is within me now I fear
Looking outside from the in the bright light is still not near

I'm on the inside looking outside
I can't believe what I see
All my fears from within the hole
Are now perfectly encapsulated within me

I moved along with my head up and my chin at the sky
I never thought for an instant what would become of you and I
But now your memory has become a black hole within my chest
Within me, without you, the pain has not at all recessed

It isn't tangible, you can't climb out of your own heart
But this hole is still tearing me apart
I left it all behind so many years ago
But the only thing that's changed is that now I will never know

[Bezombia]

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

---

Poem #52

"Communicate Me"


First I was high above the ground
Seeing beautiful sights all around
I soared endlessly into that pristine night
Behind my eyes there was only a bright light

Up above the clouds and far beyond the sun
I allowed myself to keep up the run
At six hundred miles an hour forevermore
I raced away from that cold-looking iron door

Out of the dim porthole the moon is near
The stars are getting closer and I think that I can hear
But wait what's smoke I see from behind
Why am I no longer keeping up the climb

The engines cut out suddenly I hear a shriek
The fire rages on just barely out of reach
The warmth is strangely comforting as I glide along the air
I just close the door and sit back in my chair

Decades later I'm still gliding on my wings
I'm out of thrust but I'm still moving so the bells will still ring
I'm moving forward just as fast as before
But in the back of my mind I know I can't ask for more

I think I'm safe I think I'll ride into that night
Held up by my own belief that I'm still in the right
My nose is steady, altitude dropping but not that fast
The wind is slow and I'm convinced that I will last

Suddenly I'm staring at the ocean far below
I'm heading downwards by what forces I don't know
I was gliding for so long I thought it was permanent
Now I'm spiraling down, no longer can I remain content

In my last waking seconds all I see is glass and ice
The thought of death is dark but strangely kind of nice
I see now that there's no chance for redemption
My own flight was manufactured out of my perception

I know it right, for now I can see
Just how this had to be how things be
And although most of my life was spent in glee
With my least breath I utter "Communicate me"

[Bezombia]

Poem #53

"Observance"


Everyone speaks
But nobody has anything to say
Everyone hears
But nobody listens
Everyone asks
But nobody cares
Everyone touches
But nobody feels
Everyone sees
But nobody observes
Everyone hopes
But nobody dreams

[Bezombia]

Poem #54

"Trinity"


I've spent so long chasing echoes of the past
Never put much thought into what I'd do when I caught one
There's no reason to believe my own lies when the day is done
But I will not hesitate to try to at last

You were a single blip on my radar
I was traveling at the speed of light, ultimately free
Nothing made a difference to the world that I could see
Until I finally stopped to take a glace at how things are


The fear, the pain, the jealousy
The glee, the joy, the ecstasy
The time, the land, the infinite sea
The ten-year-long fantasy


I was you when you were not me
Together we made a single throne
And although I still know that I'm alone
You've no idea what I had to be

The hours crawl on endlessly
Dawdle though these useless days
My mind is like a giant maze
I try to complete the trinity


The hate, the love, the yellow envy
The anger, the spirit, the fine and dandy
The lust, the drive, the hypocrisy
The things that I would do to make you see
The sky, the earth, the galaxy
The now, the gone, the yet-to-be
The life, the death, the in-between
Please don't let this be just another dream

[Bezombia]

Poem #55

"The Permanent Rose"


For most of my life I've chased after any thoughts that crossed me
Grabbing on to signs of life I uttered from within
I took to speaking softly to myself saying that it will end
But I don't know if I'll ever speak again

You were a light that broke through the clouds that covered me
Although you don't know it was you that helped me see
I owe my life to being able to call you a friend
But I don't know if I'll ever walk again

A beacon of hope in a soul-siphoning sinister exitway
I thought about you during every single night and day
My every breath is eternally a gift from you and I will defend
But I don't know if I'll ever breathe again

In my mind your image sits atop a shimmering permanent rose
Who knows why fate let you be the one I chose
I'll be thinking of you every moment of every day until the very end
But I don't know if I'll ever think again

You left my life in an anticlimactic turn-away from fate
Without your smell I felt like I would suffocate
You helped me to abandon ten years of a spite-fueled downward trend
But I don't know if I'll ever live again

I must be hopeful because long ago you showed me what hope was
We've both moved on but I can't walk away because
No longer will I tell myself that I have to continue to pretend
And I think one day I will speak again

[Bezombia]

Poem #56

"The Light at the End of the Tunnel"


He ran into the emergency room
With hair like a car crash and eyes like the moon
He slid up to the help desk and looking kind of green
Glanced around and looked at the surreal scene

He said "Please, I need a doctor, I need help right now
There's no time to explain, there's just too much pain
When I woke up this morning my ears began to ring
And then, to my horror, I...I think I felt something!"


She gazed at the moon without a care in the world
Or so she thought, for in her mind it began to unfurl
She hoped that one day she'd have a dream
But the cold thought of happiness made her want to scream

She was embroiled in a daily struggle to exist
Internal stimuli that just couldn't persist
She tried to pass it off as no big deal
But day after day she still couldn't feel


And now we arrive at the present days
The concept's been said in so many different ways
Two peas in a pod destined to be ate
Or consumed in a life defined by hate

I've said it before and I'll say it again
Nothing good can come from having a friend
And although I really believed my own lies
Something has started to open my eyes

And it all feels so unreal
And I don't understand why I can't feel

Ten thousand hours spent pacing around
Trying to prevent my mind from falling down
Ten thousand years spent sowing the seeds
Of time-honored vengeance and cruel misdeeds

You were the catalyst that sparked the reaction
That tore my life down and forced me to take action
When we departed I was nothing more than a face
But we both were still determined to win the race

I was happy being sad and took pride in my guilt
Because upon those broken sands my mind was built
You tore up the anger and forced me to find peace
And rebuilt my world piece by bitter piece

And it all feels so unreal
And I'm still trying to understand why I don't feel

For decades afterward I chased after your name
Couldn't be satisfied with just my own games
My soul was consumed with that endless search
And the years went by but no feelings unearthed

I thought it would end me, I thought I would die
If next to your face I could not lie
But so many moons later I awoke to this day
Feeling like I no longer had anything to say

I told myself for years that I'd never give up the fight
Because I really believed that one day I'd find the light
At the end of the tunnel I wished to reside
But now I find myself yearning to remain on the inside

I'll still cherish your name and your brief memory
After all it was you who forced me to see
But from this day forward I'll keep my head high
And maybe one day I won't have to lie

And it all feels much too real
But I think I understand why I couldn't feel

[Bezombia]

Poem #57

"Melancholy"


I'm sorry for wasting your time tonight
I'm sorry for smiling too bright
I'm sorry I didn't keep up the fight
I'm sorry, but I'm running out of spite

I'm sorry I didn't speak out loud
When it was clear you wanted me to
I'm sorry I broke every hollow promise
I pledged my mind to see through

I'm sorry you trusted me too much
I can see why you would have done so
When all my lies were so easy to believe
And all my whispers ignorable

I'm sorry I had to walk away when it was obvious that neither of us wanted to
I'm sorry I had to say what I wanted to feel instead of what I did
I'm sorry I had to keep on living while the bond between us died
And I'm sorry that I kept going to see what was on the other side


Where were you
When I called your name?
Why did I
Have to remain?

How should I
Live like this?
Why must I
Continue to exist?


I worshiped you for talking to me
I blinded myself so that I could see
Straight through the lies that I built up
To remain strong when it wasn't enough

I let you die so that I could live
But upon your life I slowly drained
Away the tears that didn't let me forgive
Myself for pretending to act so strained


Where were you
On that day?
Why did I
Have to say

That I did not
Care for you?
When any fool
Could see the truth?


I'm sorry my brain seems to scattered tonight
My thoughts aren't exactly organized
If it sounds like I'm speaking too loud, please forgive me
It's the only way I can hear myself think

I'm sorry I failed to introduce myself properly
I the man who dreams of graveyards
And awakes every day to a life more unreal
Than what he left behind in his bed


Why were you
So far away?
When I called
Out for your name?

How could I
Ask for this?
When all my life
Does not exist?


If I told what this was all about
You'd laugh in my face
I'd probably do the same

If I asked one question
Please promise not to leave
One man can take so much change

A life filled with death is no death at all
And maybe to fly high first you must fall
But nobody questions why we walk forward
Until we collapse

I life without pain is a life without purpose
At least that’s what they said when they hurt us
My tears froze to my face like a church's stained glass
My final regret bore from my last gasp



Where were you
When I needed you most?
Why did I
Return to my post?

How will I
Continue to survive?
When all I see
Is happiness and glee?


One does truly live without dying first
And although it hurts it's the only way
Without fear you cannot hope
And without pain you cannot gloat
But yet I must still carry on

To fly is to land on the fields of fire
I could not believe what began to transpire
The silent replies of iron face
Brought me to knees and my soul to its place
But I must still carry on

To laugh is to cry and to cry is to wake
To a death no more fruitful than burning at the stake
But why is that what it takes to see
Just how your life is and what your life might be?
Yet I must still carry on

Life is a dream and in dreams I'm alive
Without a good grave how would I survive?
Ten thousand hours spent in absolute horror
Is just what it took to walk through the door
But yet I must still carry on


Where was I
When you died?
How will we
Ever be?

Must we walk
Alone tonight?
Must we both
Keep up the fight?


There were always others just like you
You weren't unique except for the color of your mind
I shouldn't care half as much as I really do
But I die every day that I must life without you

We're separated by our lives and by a million years
We haven't spoken since the time we trudged on without fears
I cannot think of day that I don't think of you
The sky is high, the sea is blue, my mind is without dues

I waste my hours thinking of the seconds that we spent
On arcade games and daisy chains that let our minds repent
The cares we gave to no man when he asked for our time
And now you occupy the space that I used to call my mind

I've met others just like you and I think that you have too
I'll die without you, yes I know, and live another day
You'll never hear this, I'll never speak, I'll never see you do
Oh what I'd give for just one glimpse, just once chance to say


Where were you
When I was reborn?
Did you see
When I called out for you?

How shall I
Live this time?
What shall I use
To rebuild my mind?


I thought there was someway to say
That you and I were born this way
But I don't think you really cared about yourself that much

You saw yourself as black and blue
You put up your guard but I saw right through
You could never keep you thoughts from me, you know

The wicked hour and the hidden rose
Distanced my poetry and your prose
But neither of us were really that good anyway

I was iron and you were silk
Torn and tattered, my life was bilked
But the rust on my eyes was to obvious

And so I chased permanent roses
Not understanding why I chose
To ignore that which was underneath my skin

We played the game, we chose to lose
Side by side we tied the noose
Around the neck of our mutual escapade

I knew who you were, you know who I am
Yet we both failed to give a damn
Until it was far too late to mend the broken chains

My blood is iron, your will is glass
And so we departed at the last class
And now I must live as only an echo


How did you
Know what to say?
What happened
On that day?

Why can't I
Move on?
Why must you be
The only one?


I'm sorry I wasted a year of your life
I hope you learned as much as I did
And never a day and never a night
Can pass without hearing from my lips…
It's not enough

So I cower in my shelter and I write what I feel
Because maybe that will allow it to be real
I said that before my mind was scattered
Perhaps my own will can pick up the tatters…
It's not enough

There's not even a point in me writing this
You'll never read it, but yet I must persist
In telling the tale of our short-lived glory
In the hopes that one day it won't end gory
It's not enough

The echoes of my soul remain in full force
Directed to chasing ghosts, of course
Love is a game played only by losers
But perhaps someday we'll be able to win…
It's not enough

The night's getting long and my thoughts are receding
It haven't much time until the reseeding
My thoughts are with you now and forevermore
And every day I'll be asking for more
But it's not enough


Where was I
When you walked away?
How did I
Awake that day?

Why does this
Have to be so tough?
When despite all my efforts
It's not enough?

[Bezombia]

I know I said I was finished with these, but I have (and had) two more short poems planned, and I might as well finish them.

---

Poem #58

"Requiem"


The night seems so bright now
As my mind has been illuminated
I'm thinking of all the times I thought how
Much I loved to be hated

I will wallow in your shadow
As I soar out from my window
The ground is so far away
But now it's near

I am standing at the nexus
Of the fifteenth highway exit
Ten thousand bright lights are drawing near
But I don't care

I am standing on a building
I overlook the city's dreams
They're calling for me to come down
But I would drown

I am soaring ever higher
As I race towards the fire
The streetlights look so strange from
This point of view

I'm sorry that it had to end here
I'm sorry that this is what you had to hear
But without you I will never live again
This requiem