Monngkha, elderly Khan of Kashgar, proud and haughty Ambassador to the WA for the Confederated Sublime Khanate of Urgench, and his more than usually anxious assistant, Tarmashirin of Herat, made their way in to the chamber of the SC. Mongkha's last visit to this place had ended in a psychedelic experience on board an Aundotutunagirian submarine under the influence of some excellent opium. Seating themselves at a desk the pair discussed matters in the usual whispers of polite Urgenchis.
"What on earth am I doing here Tarmashirin? Who is being commended ? And why am I rushed away from important business to deal with the bizarre unreality of this organisation?" Mongkha said.
"Erm...well... though the Divan has determined that the SC's work must perforce be in matters touching upon the conceits of philosophy, or the entities of Metaphysics, perhaps even in the shadowy world of superstition, and has therefore instructed that our government have no dealings with it, instructions nonetheless arrived last night from the Minister in Tabriz that we attend this debate." Tarmashirin said
"Thank you Tarmashirin, I do not need a precis on the Imperial Government's position on the Security Council. What I need is the rudiments of what new piece of devilment this place is about to do." Mongkha said impatiently.
"Well...erm...er... It seems that the Venerable Khan of Tabagatai wishes your Excellency to address himself to an analysis of the commendation of a Mean old Man, my Lord."
"A Mean Old Man!?"Mongkha hissed sharply
"Indeed, Venerable Khan. It is proposed that this individual be commended for their excellence"
"In what?"
"Erm...er...well your Excellency...erm...er.. for being mean, sire, and for being a fancier of cats, and for surpassing use of medical equipment designed to bypass the functioning of his diseased bowl by means of a bag" Tarmashirin cringed.
"What?!" Mongkha spat, turning to look at his assistant with an expression of utter contempt and fury upon his face, "Have you parted acquaintance with your grasp on reality?! If you are making some kind of practical joke Tarmashirin by thunder! I shall punish you so severely that your name shall live as a cautionary warning to imbeciles and laggards within the Empire forever!"
Tarmashirin squirmed and sweated under the dreadful scrutiny, "Erm...well...that is...erm...er...I beg your Excellency's forgiveness...but...well...erm..."
"Have you degenerated so far as to have lost the gift of coherent speech now?! By the barbarous gods of the ancestors! Your entire purpose in life, it seems, has become my torment and increase of the burden which has been laid upon my shoulders."Mongkha said.
"Er...the Ministry was quite clear Venerable Khan, since this commendation is proposed by the Noble General Arororugul of Aundotutunagir, and since the Divan desires ever better relations with the Curse of the North, it directs that we address ourselves to this commendation" Tarmashirin managed to say.
"Oh yes, Tarmashirin, your goatherding antecedence has asserted itself today" Mongkha said, warming to his topic, "Oh on the name of the Founder! How I wish I had refused to take you from the arms of that foul mouthed slattern of a mother of yours, and never made her promises it would prove impossible to keep regarding your elevation to a better life. How could I have hoped to elevate such utterly deficient materials above the dung from whence it came? My own innate confidence in the nobility of the human conscience has been destroyed by the crushing realisation that it is indeed possible to be born ignorant and feckless and to remain so in spite of exposure to the light of wisdom and refinement. How arrogant I must have been, or perhaps deluded, to imagine that any investment in your betterment would bear fruit some day. The forefathers were correct when they told us that a weakling foal makes a wretched horse, and a wretched horse is good only for the pot!"
Tarmashirin blushed deeply at the mention of his lowly origins, and said "Er... Lord Khan... your patience with my shortcomings has been exemplary, I could not have hoped for more fatherly and more temperate forbearance...but perhaps on this occasion it is the Khan of Tabagatai with whom your Excellency has greater cause for justified loss of composure?"
"Oh Tarmashirin, if by invoking the grotesque spectre of our crapulent Minister for Foreign Affairs, thoroughly execrable and lamentably ill qualified though he may be, you thought to avert proper remonstrance for your willful stupidity and malicious incompetence not to mention your repellent ingratitude and obstinacy in refusing every possibility of showing a propensity for worthwhile purpose in life, then you were mistaken."
"Indeed Lord Khan...erm...er... as ever your wisdom is as just as it is perspicacious...erm...there is another matter.."Tarmashirin stuttered
"Out with it then! Connive to impede the execution of my duties no longer!" Mongkha said.
"well...er...when the Sublime Khanate resigned the WA, the hurry in which our delegation removed itself did not allow for proper evaluation of the full contingent of its staff, and it appears that at least one of them has remained at large, perhaps in these very buildings...er...without the monitoring or cognizance of the Ministry."
"What? You mean some poor wretch was left here like an ailing camel allowed to fall behind while the caravan continues on to the oasis?" Mongkha looked astonished. "Who was this unfortunate?"
Tarmashirin looked more disconsolate than ever, "It was the eminent gentleman from Trans-Baikalia your Excellency...the...er... Shaman." Tarmashirin's eyes darted and his whisper became almost inaudible at the mention of the notorious practitioner of traditional spirit-medicine.
Mongkha's look of horror faded as he said "Oh, well I suppose no one on earth is better prepared to live cast out like a refugee in this place than he. Let us fervently wish he has drunk himself to death somewhere, and that his monstrous odour has died with him"
"Yes Venerable Khan, quite so" Tarmashirin said.
