[ MT ]
[ Mature ]
Cigarette Curls & Alcohol
Disclaimer: This story contains mature content. Reader discretion is advised.
Disclaimer: This story contains mature content. Reader discretion is advised.
Karl: "Where have you been Nad?"
Nad: "In a closet trying to convince my mother that the society today corrupts your inner thoughts."
Karl: "Feed that information to our children, I bet they'll feel much more suicidal."
Nad: "We used to be so beautiful. So happy. So alike. Now what we are is just so disturbing it scares me. Now every night you're wide awake thinking about how much you wish it was different. But you're too stuck in the moment. You know that it'll never change."
Plandf, Zypra. Being one of the most coldest settlements in Zypra, as opposed to the rest of tundra and temperate Zypra, it has been like this for quite a while. I loathed this entirely; the cold was something I had a love/hate relationship with. Often, there are times that I enjoyed it well, and some, not so well. Another thing I loathed about this trip up north was the fact that I was going with a family member. This meant I couldn't smoke in front of them. Seeing my own mother smoke right in front of me outside the airport terminal made me crave for cigarettes badly. Still, I could steal a stick or two, but it wouldn't help for the week ahead.
I sighed, condensated vapour coming right out of my mouth. The terminal was kind enough to offer some heat, though outside you could see black ice slowly forming on the roads. I've come here from the warmest region of Ardenne from a small town in the south, and it has taken me over an hour to reach Plandf, considering it's all the way up north. Not to mention the fact that it served the entire Northern Zypra region, which meant that there were on average several hundred flights a day, filling the airport constantly.
The journey from the airport to Uncle Benny's house took quite a bit of my phone battery. Apart from messaging "I'm in Plandf!" to one of my bestfriends, most of the trip was spent listening to songs. I closed my eyes, absorbing the deep rhythm of the metal song, the various beauty of the breakdowns and solos. There was beauty in breakdown, so was everything in life. I couldn't give away the fact that I've said that many times to my last fling, who couldn't agree more. My bestfriend did not reply to my message. He must have been trying to find a fuck to give.
It was a solid one hour before we finally arrived at his house. The neighbourhood was quiet, its residents were still asleep. I was still surprised to see my uncle out on the street, whom I expected to be snoring away at dreams of his past life. He was smoking too, which would mean my mother would join him right away. I unloaded the bags from the trunk of the taxi, paid the driver and gave him a tip, to which he smiled. Then, he sped away like a man who just won a lottery. Fucking fuck.
I couldn't sleep that morning. It was either the severe cold, which I was extremely unfamiliar with, or the fact that I had missed home dearly. Still, I grew annoyed at the clock, who was ticking away furiously. It was about 3 AM before I finally caught myself in a state of trance, drifting away to sleep...
The sun was disappearing. My girlfriend walked right beside me, still mad at the silent argument we had in the cafe. Bitch, I thought. We got into the so-called 'silent argument' over my proposal for a year's hiatus in our relationship. I mean, I had my finals coming up, I didn't want to get distracted from achieving my full potential, or worse, her full potential. I bit my lip. You could not experience the tremendous pressure on me right there.
I realised it was all a dream; whatever happened occurred a quarter months and year ago. I couldn't believe that I still remembered that day. I was supposed to forget about that shit. Apparently, it was just my head being homesick. I got up from the sofa, suddenly tripping over my cousin, Kimmy. She woke up in an instant, cursing out loud, grabbing the attention of my uncle.
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
I had woken up the dragon. It's true, the entire family calls her the dragon, for reasons which I had now learnt. A quick-tempered bitch, yet nice and awesome to talk to in her normal state. She murmured a few words, to which I happily ignored, and was fast asleep again. God knows what putrid dreams she was having.
Breakfast was dull. If scrambled eggs and fish were the only food I was going to eat for the entire week, I might as well pack up and leave now. Despite the food I had put up with, Uncle Benny slipped in a little beer into my water whilst my mother wasn't looking. I gave a silent thank you, to which I happily drank up the rest. I haven't had alcohol in over a year. Of course, Kimmy woke up half an hour later, where she went straight to breakfast. I couldn't catch her on the table as I left the kitchen five minutes earlier, straight to my laptop.
The entire early morning was a joke. Even my laptop couldn't start for some apparent reason, to which I realised that it was out of battery from the night before. I furiously shoved the pin into plug all the way at the end of the living room. Before I even got a chance to sit down and dedicate the entire morning to the internet, Kimmy went up to me.
"Dude?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm going out with my friend for lunch, so.. You wanna come?"
"Does it involve me being ridiculed slash humiliated in front of them?"
"No, I'll introduce you to them. Don't be such a pussy." she laughed.
I agreed. I slipped on a long sleeved blue flannel, a pair of dark jeans, and a winter jacket I recently bought. It was on sale, too. She went out of the door first as I followed. The extreme cold took over me in an instant. It had snowed the night previously, and it had left the street entirely covered in a few centimeters of snow. Nonetheless, I followed Kimmy for what had seemed like a brisk walk on the sidewalk, through a small playground, and through some alleyways as we ended up at a cul-de-sac. It wasn't far from Uncle Benny's house, and appeared more hospitable from the other street. Three teenagers approached us from the other side of the street; two of them were male. One of them appeared to be Kimmy's bestfriend.
"Kimmy!" one of the boys exclaimed, kissing her on the cheek. It was Kimmy's boyfriend. He stared at me as he withdrew from the kiss, suspicion in his eyes.
"Who's this you've brought Kim?" he asked.
"Ohh it's Taylor. He's my cousin, came in last night." she smiled as she hugged him.
"Err, nice to meet you Taylor. Haven't seen you around, where are you from?" Heath asked. The other two were exchanging looks. Clearly I was out of the group, a complete outsider. A nobody.
"Freeport. Ever been there?"
"I think so. Anyway, welcome to Plandf! How was your trip?"
"Swell."
"Okaay. That's Kerry right there. And oh, that's Jennifer." Heath said, whose body was grabbed from behind by Kimmy.
Jennifer. She was the only noticeable girl other than Kimmy. Her hair, piercings, face. She was beautiful, to say the least. Cute too. Her nose was visibly a noticeable feature, where it was as small as Kimmy's.
"Call me Eric." said Kerry, who shook my hand.
"Jen." she said, who smiled for the first time. Her smile made my body tingle, it was warm and welcoming.
"So.. the shop down the road? There's this great kebab corner right next to it." said Eric, who started walking backwards towards the middle of the road.
We all followed him. Eric was all alone up front, Heath and Kimmy behind him, and then there was Jen and me. I couldn't help but notice her legs, which were long and slender. She was a bit shorter than me, by an inch or two. I looked at her sideways, who caught a glimpse of me. It was there that she tried to bring up conversation.
"So.. Freeport huh? What's it like?"
"Warmer than here. You'll be squirming to come back here once you set foot out of the airport over there."
She gave a small chuckle. I was noting this seriously.
"For a second there I thought you were from Alsager, or something. They sounded alike. Yeah, I heard of Freeport. Kimmy talked all about it the day she came back. Fucking annoying." she laughed. Kimmy shifted her head back to Jen, who gave a sarcastic laugh.
"Fuck you Jen, you've been bitching about this since yesterday."
Jen's laugh grew silent. I knew Kimmy wasn't meaning it, but there was something behind Jen's sudden behavior. Nevertheless, I carried on ignoring it. We were close to the "kebab place" Eric was talking about.
***
"So did you guys do it last night?" she asked, laughing. Kimmy sat atop of me, her wide eyes staring at mine. I blinked twice before responding. She started to gain stark interest of my relationship with Jen, who was nothing more than a friend.
"No. Did you?" I asked, turning the question on to her. This time, she did not reply, much to my dismay. She did hint the possibility.
"I slept over, we made out for quite a while. That's all the information I can provide you." she said this time, expressing disgust. I was curious to know what happened between them. She attempted to hide whatever embarrassment she had from it, although I always regarded her as an honest person.
"What happened Kim?" I asked. She got up, and booted her laptop. It was a picture of another guy, something odd. She stared at the screen for several seconds, before confessing.
"Me and Heath got into a fight last night, right after I came into his house. He found out about Craig." She tried to fight the tears that came down shortly after. I stood up and sat beside her as she leaned in towards me. She started to murmur some words tearfully, which I did not understand. Her cry echoed across the house.
"I.. just couldn't believe it. We were so perfect, such happiness has not come to me in a while." she said as she forcefully tried to bottle up her tears. Our grip intensified as she finished her sentence. We held each other for a few minutes before she released me. My grey shirt now had a wet stain. Craig was a long distance relationship Kimmy had since her junior days. He moved to Port Albury, and they promised they would see each other again once Craig had a job. They even agreed to spend the time shuffling through partners, but they had to remain loyal to each other during that period. It sounded.. like my past relationship I had for five months.
The morning went on as usual, before Jen appeared at the doorway. It was almost like yesterday morning, same time, different mood. She less obnoxious than yesterday, yet appeared to be a little more reserved than the past few days. She did maintain her coyly manner, though.
I got dressed, this time retaining the same grey c-neck shirt, only to be caught wearing a black cardigan, dark jeans and winter boots. She almost dressed like myself; she wore a dark cardigan, black mini skirt and wellington boots. "Quite the pair, huh?", Kimmy asked me, smiling. Her mood shifted to a happier tone. I guess people suffer in silence. "Shut the fuck up Kim." I smiled, leaving the house. Jen was smoking a blunt.
"Where now?" I asked. She exhaled a stream of smoke into my face, smiling thereafter. I punched her arm lightly, though she punched it back even harder. I discovered a bruise later on that day, because of her.
"Town... We take my car... But you pay for gas... And your food...." She made a series of inhales and exhales that caught her off-balance. "And I'm driving. So technically, I'll be your chauffeur, dad, che-"
"Whoa whoa whoa. Dad?" she interjected.
"I'm paying for your fucking gas, cunt." I said seriously. She let out a burst of laughter, much to my irritation.
"I fucking pay for my own gas, and you're the cunt, Taylee." she chuckled. She was right; her parents no longer gave her the lavish allowances she had previously. In two days, she would start working again as a cashier at her local store. She took her paid leave for the entire week; something she had not done for months during her part-time work. It was only this time that she started full time for her holidays, deciding to do so months after breaking up with Eric. She did not want to allocate time for anything now.
We reached her house as she finished off the last of her blunt. She was clearly unstable and unfit to drive, characterised by her difficulty opening her own door. Nonetheless, I took the wheel, hoping she would show me the way.
The day had sunk deep into the night. The only light source apart from the laptop in the room was the streetlight outside, which crept into the room through the frosted windows. Jen was still asleep; her chests, particularly her breasts were illuminated by the streetlight. We had the most beautiful act of love ever. I couldn't forget what had happened today, particularly tonight. Nude and clad in blankets, I got up, my genitals hanging out, approaching the window. A snowstorm had hit Plandf; Jen's car wasn't visible anymore on the street, and all I could see were mounds of snow. The entrance of the house was also blocked by at least several inches. It was probably knee-level already.
"Taylee.. what's wrong?" said Jen. I turned my head, my eyes shifting towards her. She had woken up.
"It's a snowstorm outside. I can't.. leave."
"You don't need to, Taylee. I want you here. I want you now."
"I need to get home. Mom's back tonight, and-"
A familiar song echoed throughout the room. Tell Slater Not To Wash His Dick. It played, with much distortion, from my cell. It was a call. I shuffled across the room, hitting something I couldn't possibly give a fuck about, and answered it.
"Tay-Tay, where are you now?" It was Kimmy. The background was quiet, so I was guessing she was home now. Probably, for the entire day.
"Jen's house. What's wrong?"
A pause. I could hear Kimmy talking in the background to another person, before speaking once more.
"My mum's back. So is yours. They told me to call you up and stay put wherever you are. They've been quite worried, until I told them you were at Jen's house. Anyway, as soon as the storm's clearing out, get back home. That should mean tomorrow."
"Yeah, yeah, sure."
I hung up. I sat by the bedside, Jen hugging me from behind. Her entire body pressed against my back. She nibbled my ear a little, possibly prompting for more sex. I was not in the mood. I stood up again, grabbing a Heineken. Jen stared at me in confusion as I finished it off.
"So what, you don't want to fuck anymore?"
I cleared my throat.
"It's the weed. I'm hungry, and sex isn't something I want right now. I'm sorry."
Jen stared at me.
"Taylee. I'll cook, alright? Just relax. Let's finish off this last clip, alright?"
She reached for her roach jar, which left only one ball of MJ, alongside a few other roaches. Much like Camera, Lights, Action, she assembled it in a similar fashion. Place roach and weed, light up, inhale. Simple. She let out a light cough, before handing it to me. I lied down on the bed again; she reached for my phone as I inhaled a stream of smoke into my lungs. It was good. I lost all first time effects. Now, it was almost like cigarettes, though I would hallucinate a little from time to time.
It began to feel.. that we were really close. It felt like we were in an official relationship. It felt like an obligation, a consummation. It felt like we have been with each other the whole time, yet I had only met her three days ago. I noticed the clock was already one AM. Four days, this time. It had been four days since I had met her. I turned my head again to her.
I leaned in closer to her. We kissed for about fifteen minutes, before she went on top of me. Her voluptuous body was something, just something I could not get out of my mind. Whether or not I would see this coming, but it felt like our hearts were connected together.
We spent another session together for an additional ten minutes, before she stopped halfway. She was tired too, I could see it in her eyes. I calmed her down, promising to make dinner. Perhaps, it was my turn to feed her now. We were looking out for each other. It was a feeling like no other.
I began a slow walk towards Uncle Benny's house, lighting up my cigarette along the way, as I stared at the smoke ascending the air. There was beauty in everything. Even smoke rising lifeless into the air. There was beauty in the fire that burned through the cigarette. I finished off the last of what seemed like two sticks of Kimmy's Absolute Gold, and went into the house quietly.
Kimmy went straight to bed, hoping to warm herself in layers of thick blanket. She even took some of mine too, to an extent where only one layer kept me warm. The heater was working, though, and I was right in it's radiation path. For the first time, I felt homesick. I missed the warm, temperate weather back home, the food, the atmosphere. Everything.
Then, the faces of my past appeared. They were the ghosts that haunt me at night.
It was clear enough that I needed another cigarette, so I went outside again in my gray shirt and black shorts. I didn't give a fuck about the cold, neither did my cigarette, which kept me a little warm all the way. Snowflakes fell on my tongue as I extended it out randomly. It was.. beautiful. What had even more beauty was the smoke that ascended into the moonlight. There was beauty in everything, even the crackle and fury of the tobacco that burned away as I finished off the cigarette. I watched it's heat melt away the snow once more, bringing back the recurring memory that struck me a half hour ago. It was eight pm, mom and uncle Benny sleeping away in an ice hotel somewhere further north. It was just me, Kimmy, and her sister, who I have not seen since yesterday morning.
But then, Jen crossed my mind. She corrupted my mind in an instant. I could write so many positive things about my trip, and leave out a few negative thoughts. If she was in the army, she would be a master of psychological warfare indeed. I closed my eyes as I stood there in the snow, hoping I would end up dreaming about her.
***
Hannah: I didnt even exist last year. I mean, exist in your life.
Karl: Maybe you did, but we didn't meet at all.
To tell you the truth, I haven't been completely honest with you.
I have been in Plandf for a week and a half, not because I can't get a flight back home, not because I don't want to, but because I had no where else to go. Mum sent me here to live on my own with uncle Benny. She saw no use with a son who can't get a proper education. And frankly, I don't intend to come back. My friends back home, became ghosts of the past, and I found my new friends here. By default, I should have left by now, until I told Eric the true story about my life.
I failed my exams three times in a row. I'm not sixteen, I'm old enough to drink, drive, smoke, or a combination of them. Not to mention the burning realisation that I am getting too old for girls that are younger than me.
Jen left me once she found out. She never came back, and she never bothered to call again. Eric was the only one in the group who'd still speak to me, apart from Kimmy. I.. couldn't get a job either. The only thing I did all week-long, without Jen, was sending off Kimmy to school and dropping her off at the mall to meet up with Jen. Even I didn't meet Jen back there.
So why bother?
Because I knew very well that a slacker like me can't find anything else to do but help his cousin.
In the last two weeks of December, Uncle Benny found me a room near the attic, and I decided to make myself comfortable. I used up most of the money I came with on furniture, especially the new sound system to give the room a sort of aura. Kimmy gave her old Christmas lights, her roach jar and mattress over to me, convinced that I was well-off with them than how she maintained them. I took the mattress to a repair shop the next day.
Apart from my usual routine of sending Kimmy off to school, I spent my nights at the bar. It was strange, at first, but somehow I fit right in. I became a regular, but no one spoke to me aside from the bartender and a few lonely guys who I'd stumble upon on week-nights.
What was I going to do for the next few months?
Perhaps.. I'll try and spend a year on my own. A gap year. Then I'll return to school next fall. And I guarantee that.
White upholstery, mahogany stools, polished pine bar top, oak flooring. Natural yet somewhat artificial to the trained eye, a sort of eye candy for the non-mainstream masses. One might wallop the establishment over the poor choice of materials, but many wouldn't bother, for they only wanted a drink rather than to present a critique to the management that would presumably go abated and largely ignored. Perhaps the owner could do with a little more ambience. You may expect the regulars visiting, like the old man in a tweed jacket sitting at the corner of the bar, the young woman who appears to have lost her winnings, the young man that comes here after work. Then they stare. They stare at the newcomers. They stare at change.
But that was an hour ago.
I find myself staring at the empty street, waiting for Julie to come back into the car. The car-door opened and she threw a beer can at me. Then she continued her conversation again after leaving the 24/7 store.
"I'd believe so."
I immediately re-immersed myself into Julie's discussion. She went on about the principles of their straightedge group, and even added her history about how she turned into one of them. What did surprise me was that she was drinking beer. Drinking and driving. Classic.
"Don't you drink rarely?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh this?" she glanced over to her can. She handed it over to me.
"Non-alcoholic. Used to be a hardcore drinker, and I really miss the taste sometimes."
"Fair enough." I finished, bringing it closer to my lips. I paused as the can was a pin's distance from my lips, forgetting to ask her.
"Mind I have a sip or two?"
"Sure, sure."
The town was deserted at night. People were asleep, and sure enough, the only souls that occupied the streets of Plandf were merely other teenagers and a fair amount of couples who were still out getting fucked. A noticeboard read: 'New Keyland Park'. The square itself had a tiny monument in the middle, a memorial of the late town mayor Jerry Keyland shaking hands. I saw a picture of the two in Jennifer's house a while back, covered in dust and faded away.
The car came to a complete stop at a decade-old townhouse; I presumed this was her parent's house or some sort. She parked the car, and slowly disembarked the car.
"We're here. My mum's house. You wouldn't mind I we just stay here for the moment? My sister's using my car later, so she'll pick us up anyway." she said, her hair flailing in the breeze. I nodded. I was either awestruck by her beauty or bored out of my mind. She threw the empty beer can that she finished on her way here, and quickly went inside. I was tailing behind her, quite shy to come in.
The living room was quite a mess as her sister was intensely immersed in an assignment. Candy wrappers, crumbs, papers and several pens and pencils were strewn across the floor, just waiting to be accidentally stepped upon. I failed to negotiate through the mess, only to be assisted across the room by Julie. As we reached the foot of the staircase, Julie turned back, as if forgetting something, and threw her car keys across the room, landing on the coffee table her sister filled up.
The hallway leading up to her room was a heavenly sight. It was clean, not a speck of dust on neither the floor nor the paintings and family photos that stalked across the walls. The pictures were quite haunting as they were aged. I wandered precariously along the walls, studying each photo and painting frame by frame before she managed to open her door. She stepped in, leaving it ajar. I was torn between Scylla and Charbadis. Should I step in? Or should I wait for her to call me in?
"Taylor! What the fuck? Get in here!" she called me into her room.
I was confused whether I was in her room or in her hallway. The walls were resemblant of the hallway prior as pictures and paintings completely engulfed it, row by row. The paintings were similar to the ones in the hallway, before I realised she was the one who painted the latter. An artist, touche. I stared at several unfinished canvases, a fair number of them, to be exact. Her laptop was left on the study table, its light nearly illuminating it. I nearly mistook it for a study lamp. She had a small practice drum set next to her bed too, so she could practice right away after walking up. It's no wonder she has become one of the most skilled drummers in the entire country. A national talent, able to produce masterpieces.
"More beers?" she offered another can of the non-alcoholic brethren. She really was a heavy drinker; she really admired the taste.
"Sure, sure." I said, taking another can. I took a sip or two before she opened up.
"We'll leave at around six. Got anything to do today?" she asked.
"Nothing, to be honest. You?" I asked.
"I've got a gig. You have to attend a party. This is a lame starter party, eh?"
"I couldn't agree more." I laughed.
An awkward silence followed as snow cascaded her window sill. It was snowing again, and tonight would be the worst snowstorm ever to hit the city. I knew, that in any circumstances, she was determined to play tonight. I wasn't going to stop her since she was pretty aggressive on music, and she wasn't going to back down either. An echo filled the room as a clock chimed in the hallway. Two AM.
"I don't like you standing there. Why don't you lie down here with me?" She offered, smiling.
"Naaah, I wouldn't.."
"You need rest. I'm not going to bite." she assured. I fell for it.
I slowly made my way across the small room, reaching my destination. I rested my head as we shared the same pillow together, then closed my eyes a little.
"Julie?"
"Mhmm?"
"Why'd you become straightedge? I mean, out of all things. Was it just to follow a trend or just your instinct?" I immediately regretted upon saying those words. She would probably rip my guts out.
"Well. One night, I was wasted as fuck at a party, and ended up on a sidewalk somewhere." she hesitated for a moment, before continuing again.
"It was two in the morning, and I couldn't help but notice how alone I was. My head told me that it was time to come clean. I said to myself, 'I needed to come back to the innocent teenager I was', so I did. Distant friends became close, and vice versa. Jennifer was the one who introduced me to the group. She remained my closest friend for a year until what happened. Funny how people change. But I changed for the better. I felt accepted once more. I was no longer wasting away my life. Then I answered a call from our front man. He said he was interested in my playing. I stopped playing drums for quite a while before becoming engrossed in it again."
I opened my eyes.
***
When Nad left, things were different.
My new apartment back home was eerie. It would send chills down to my spine thinking about it. And everyday, I stepped out in the fresh warm air, eager to find some neighbours to mingle with. But no one, and I mean no one, was of my age. It was a gamble to walk outside, really. You'd never know if the neighbour you met was twice as old, and you'd fall in love, getting into those kind of forbidden relationships where your partner would be old enough to be your older sister, or worse, your mother.
Everytime I stepped out, Bulletproof Love would play over and over, and over again.
No more would I listen to the smooth yet haunting screams of Oliver Sykes again. That man is long dead. It was sort of a refreshment to turn to a somewhat colder and mysterious genre of music that didn't have hardcore rhythmic drums or screaming guitars. Or people shouting in your head, for that matter. Every song, including the lightest of what I perceived to be, Blessed With A Curse, sounded the same. Screaming, screaming, and more screaming.
When Nad left, my routine changed.
I was no longer shopping for gruesome looking t-shirts with crosses and all that kind of shit you'd see if you had a day-trip to hell. I was no longer intertwined with the music I so much loved over the past year. No longer could I relate to the angry lyrics such bands made when they talk about an ex-girlfriend, a backstabbing friend, or strict parents, for that matter. To a certain degree, I did not deserve to listen to such barbaric music.
Because I was the one that left her in the first place.
If I ever compared Julie to Jen, It would make no difference.
I scanned through her photoblog. She was playing around with her phone.
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you, quoted one of the photos on her blog. Another read: You tried to lie and say I was everything.
"Do you always make captions like that?" I asked.
She paused for a little while, trying to figure out what I said, before looking at the laptop screen.
"Oh that? That's bullshit," she laughed.
"You know what? Just delete them. I'll make a new one anyway," she continued.
I brought down the control panel on the blogsite and deleted them anyway.
It's quarter past eight, and my toes are freezing. The street-lights that pored through her windows were dim, and we were sitting on her bed in complete darkness. The weather was nice to go out, being windy, but she forced me to sleep in and just stay in her room all night. I suppose these are one of the nights that I really didn't like - no beer, can't go out, and she won't share a stick with me.
I wasn't alone, though. Her sister, Rayne, invited her friend over, Azure, to sleep in. One might believe they are romantically involved, and they are, I believe. Although they don't really look like they are...
I haven't heard from them since I came.
"So Tail. Can I call you Tail? You have such a boring name.. no offence." She laughed.
"Yeah, Tail's fine," I smiled.
"What brings you to this lonely corner of the world?"
I hesitated at first, but decided to break my story. I told her about the entire month spent with a girl I thought I was going to be in love with for the rest of my life, I told her about my trip here, I told her how much I was a failure. But she didn't seem to care, only paying attention to the minute details, like how I didn't manage to see the annual Fuckparade, or the other festivities in town for the entire three weeks I've been here. And to be honest, I kind of liked that. I guess she knew that speaking to her about difficulties would only bring me into a spiralling depression. That was the preface of course. She intermittently asked about other things like how I'm going to spend the entire year here, how I would get a job, excretra, excretra. Anything to carry the conversation forward.
Then she asked me the question.
"Why did Jen leave you?"
I paused. I didn't know what to say.
"Oh, forget it then."
"No, I'll answer your question, if you answer mine."
"Well, answer mine first."
I was scared.
"She saw it coming, I guess. Nothing lasts forever. Love is non-existent. I don't think two people could ever believe such a ridiculous ideology. But people do it anyway."
"And what do you think about the older couples who have a somewhat distinct but abridged form of this 'love'?"
"Well, I guess they don't believe in love. Or somewhat believe in it. Either way, I know they do it for the sake of companionship. No one likes to be alone."
"True," she agreed.
"I mean, it's not just the companionship. But the benefits. Free sex, for that matter. Or someone to talk to. I know a few friends who have a partner just for the sake of having someone to talk to after a long day at school, or work, or just someone to talk to. And you get to open up to that person."
"If people wanted someone to talk to, why don't they just remain friends, then?"
"Because they get this ulterior form of intimacy. Or a somewhat special form of it. You kiss your partner, you make love, you share stories you'd normally wouldn't tell anyone. Get married, have children. You have a partner to carry on life with. With the compromise of polygamous relationships and restriction of certain activities, of course. That's my belief."
She nodded off, and continued to type something into her phone. I guess she understood what I meant.
"Anyway, do you mind if I smoke for a while?"
"Go ahead."
I walked towards the window, and just when I was about to twist the handle, she stopped me half-way.
"Outside."
I frowned.
Jen was like Nad in a way that I can't describe it. Hannah carried over similarities of my ex-girlfriend, and Julie? I can't tell if Julie ever coincided with anyone, for that matter.
I took a long drag, and exhaled. A mixture of vapour and smoke clouded the air in front of me, shrouding my presence on the walkway.
Ex-girlfriend, Hannah, Nad, that girl I secretly dated behind my bestfriend's back, my bestfriend's ex-girlfriend, that eighteen year old girl who persuaded me to get a piercing on my hand, and then the sister of the guitarist from my high school band. After that, Nad again. Everything in that order. Prior to the apartment, I tried to get along with that cute little girl from the suburbs, but she left me for another guy. A good, solid year later, she broke up with him, of course. But I didn't bother. Or did I?
The door behind me creaked. I turned around, and found an unfamiliar girl. It wasn't Julie, or Rayne, but I think it's Azure. At least I think she is.
She walked towards me in her PJ's. She was a brunette, two inches taller, and looked like she hadn't slept in days.
"Hey, would it be alright if I had a cigarette or two?"
I lent out my pack. I had four sticks left.
"I thought Rayne smoked," I inquired.
"I don't like her brand," she interrupted.
"And this suits you?"
"Absolute is one of my favourites."
The conversation ended there. She sat down next to me, a bit further than Julie would sit. Of course, she's a fag. So fetch. I laughed inside.
"You can fag, I mean uhh, you can take my pack of fags if you want," I tried not to succumb to laughter.
"You don't want it anymore?"
"I have another pack in the room. Besides, I never like to finish a pack. It gives an empty feeling inside," I explained.
"Well, that's weird," she raised an eyebrow.
Once she was finished with her cigarette, she tossed one into the snow, and lit another one.
"You're Azure, aren't you?" I asked.
"That's right. And you are?"
"Taylor, nice to meet you," I smiled, extending out my hand. She shook my index finger, and gave me an awkward smile.
"Look, Taylor, if you're up to something, I wa-"
"I know. I'm not going to try anything."
"Good. Because I hate when guys try to pick up girls who they barely know."
"How do you think people would meet each other if you can't interact with strangers?"
She looked at me in vexation.
"Well, of course they would probably, like, you know, get to know each other first. I was referring to methods of picking up girls that seem... abrupt and quick. I hate that. I don't know, it's probably just me."
"Yeaaah," I laughed.
I shouldn't have.
"I heard from Rayne you're from down south. I'm from the city. How are you finding winter?"
"Cold. Really cold. But I got used to it after a week or two."
"Really now? I bet you stayed in most of the time."
Condescending.
"What makes you think I did?" I was quite annoyed.
"Well..."
"Because I'm down south, where we get little or practically no snow during winter? Or is it because you've been here way too many times?"
She kept quiet.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. I'm just.. not used to meeting new people."
"No, I should apologise. I'm the one who's being condescending here."
Exactly what she said popped up in my mind again. Condescending was the word.
We finished off the last three cigarettes for the next half an hour. I took two, she took the last one. She began to introduce herself as a girl who wanted to flee the harsh reality of her mother's death, her father's practical non-existence at home, and the bludgeoning effects of the winter holidays. She skipped school, so did I. She'd drink when Rayne was not in, so did I. Well, it was similar in the sense that we shared a somewhat close analogy. I guess that's what happens to people who go up to Plandf: they're either travellers, businessmen, or low-esteem drop-outs who want something different. Because those who really wanted to get fucked would go down south into Garimidia and get lost. Not us. No.
Because the thrills we seek in life are different.
Julie and I didn't do anything apart from talking, eating and drinking that night. Nothing out of the ordinary, of course. I didn't get high, or drunk, and apart from smoking a few cigarettes, nothing kept my mind clear. It was a first of many nights I'll probably spend if I were to continue doing this. But I will. I like it here. It gives me a sort of cleansing inside, like as if I didn't worship my desires or addiction to alcohol. Inevitably, the thought crossed my mind whether or not I should just sneak out and grab a drink or two, but Rayne was so happy to oblige, and gave me a can to drink up in the toilet. That felt refreshing.
Eric called me up that morning too. The only thing I remember was that he advised me not to meet Jen, at least until things cool off. He said, and I quote: "A woman's legs are like a shop. If they are closed for the day, you can always come back another day." I laughed so hard, Julie knocked on the toilet door and wondered if I was alright. Then she told me to go to her room because she thought I was suicidal, or something. I chuckled.
I couldn't sleep again. Not until three AM.
As far as Azure, Rayne, Jen, or even Julie is concerned, none of them seem to cross my mind at the moment. At least, not until I mentioned about them, so they are most likely popping up in my visual memory.
I think it's eleven in the morning, but I can't tell, because for some odd reason, I'm too lazy to get out of bed. I heard Julie mumble something, then kiss me on the cheek, picked up my car keys, and then heard the door shut. Then the sound of a car backing out of a driveway, before speeding off into the unknown. At least, that's what I heard. I haven't had a cigarette since the last time I went to bed, so I'll probably just smoke right now. Fuck Julie. She can have her room smelling like cigarettes for all I care.
So I lit up. Released the first drag, never touching the lungs, but one, two, three inhales later, and the room was filled with smoke. Not enough to suffocate me, at least. My friend used to joke that if he bought me a pack of cigarettes, I'd have to smoke them in an hour, inside a room, and try to get a bit high from the smoke around me. Unbeknownst to him that the last time I tried, I vomited on my fifth cigarette.
There's always that frequency/interval/threshold equation when considering how much a smoker can tolerate nicotine in a day. Certain smokers can have a lot of cigarettes in a day, but spaced one or two hours apart. Some can have so little in a day, that they only need one stick in the afternoon. It's not based on personality (often it does, so I found), and certainly not based on the quality of the cigarettes, but cigarette consumption varies over several days; some smokers hate the routine and often find themselves smoking at odd hours, some, like the idea of a cigarette keeping track of time, and therefore would create a sort of 'barrier' to mark the end of a particular study/work session.
Run-on sentence? Enough of cigarettes.
I recalled a particular moment in life where I cried over a time that felt so valuable to me. Some people cry over other people, some, over a particular event that really changed them adversely. Of course, I don't mean to associate myself, but I must acknowledge the fact that I belong to a particular group of people who hold a certain time-period so dearly it is worth weeping over.
So, it's the beginning of 2011, I certainly haven't smoked yet, got over a bad year of dealing with my virginity, and I have yet to grasp the true facts of life. And soon, I'll reach a certain time where everything I missed out, all those parties and teenage dramas and that sort of thing - crashes in at the worst possible time ever, in the year that I would sit down for the most important exam of my life.
And of course, people need fun, it's something not to be missed, or abused either. I admit, it's still in my memory and I don't regret going through that year. It's taught me some really, really valuable lessons. Ranging from how things are never permanent, to being open-minded, and from dealing with a multitude of relationships, to how experience is the best mentor. I'm certain, those things I've learned from that year, I remember it so dearly. And the music that comes along with it, too.
So, I continue. In the month of January, I felt a bit off, out of place, and I'm still feeling sort of blasé. I still carry the scent of the 2010 me, and the years before. But wait, what's this? 'I want more rights and freedom?' That's certainly odd. How are we going to get that, I wonder. 'Why don't we make a statement out of ourselves'. How do we do that?
Listen to metal, cut your hair, date a bunch of girls, start smoking, and get your ass on Tumblr, I said to myself.
So in the month of February, I ended up having a crush on Hayley Williams, like, literally pictures of her everywhere. Dreams fuelled my passion for her. I ended up dreaming about girls I've never met before. I ask, who the fuck puts this in my clear-cut conscious mind, when I never have met these girls in my life? The answer was tumblr. I started listening to Paramore everyday. Every hour. Every dying minute. It created this sort of 'last aura' - that sort of dim yellow hue in your room that's dreamy, it pretty much created some sort of horse tranquilliser shit, or Ketamine, but the sort that creates this mood that's not so sleepy, but not so energetic either. I have no fucking idea what I've just said, but I'll stick with it.
Hmm, what else did I remember? Oh yes, I started listening to a few bands. A bunch of them. Okay, I have to admit, I went overboard on them. 90% of my music playlist at the time comprised of people screaming and yelling out words I had no idea existed. That's right, I learnt some useful words from there. The Black Dahlia Murder has an extensive vocabulary. The early works of Bring Me The Horizon showcased how jealousy and vengeance can be applied non-violently, yet threateningly disturbing. Fuck, even Oli's girlfriend his hotter than any of the girls I've dated. Amanda Hendrick is definitely a Scottish bombshell. Still, something was missing.
So, I had a dream girl in mind, sort of like a template, and I had new music to match, and I had a website to visit. But there's one problem: I'm spending all these nights listening to shit I would abandon a good, solid year later, and looking at a girl I pretty much would love to date, but wait, what's this? I still had a girlfriend.
Oh shit.
Breaking up with her was tough. Definitely was. I mean, it was a sort of relief when I managed to hear from her again after an hour of (I actually don't know what the fuck she was doing there) weeping, so I closed the chat window and went the fuck to sleep. The next day, I pretty much enjoyed life from then on. I went bowling with my cousin, ate for the first time in a while, and my room, oh my room, was much more bigger than I thought. I wasn't restricted with responsibility anymore. That means, I have no obligation to do anything, for that matter.
I cut my hair to a style that I haven't seen in months. Shave the sides, keep the length from the top down to the back. Voila, a mohawk.
So, approximately three-four days after I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I started smoking. It was the most ridiculous thing to do. What the fuck was I thinking?
So this is where I ended up. Hundreds of cigarettes, a dozen girls, a thousand songs, 30,000 tumblr posts, and twenty haircuts later, I became this. And I don't regret one single thing, ever.
I can't say that I should have taken a girl or two from that extensive list of flings and relationships I had. I can't say that I should have stopped posting out of that 30,000 posts. I can't say I should have gave up on life altogether. But whatever brought me here, I'm thankful for it. Otherwise, I'd end up doing something I wouldn't like. Something the alternate me wouldn't like.
Like, say, for example, had I continued my relationship with my first ex, I could have ended up fucking her and getting her pregnant, and commit myself to a life of uncertainty. I would never, ever, get the chance to find a few more other girls, or go overseas, for that matter. I'll be stuck in a slum.
Had I picked up a girl or two and decided to stay on from that list, everything would've been different. I might not get to the so-called maturity I experience now. And I won't be open-minded, or become the intellectual I so much love today. This is me, speaking from two years on, telling myself that whatever happened in the past, happened for a damn good reason. And I'm sure, I'm a hundred-percent positive, and I guarantee, that failing my exams was the most righteous thing to do, because not only had I deserved it, but I was not ready, or qualified for that matter, to pursue an academic foundation to supplement my future career.
So, perhaps, I might become a musician. Or an artist, or an actor. No, not me. I'm an introvert. I've always been one. I can't be the president. I'm not physically fit to become a soldier, even.
Whatever happens, we'll see where I'm going. For now, it's just a long drive down the snowy road, into the abyss.
Frank looked out over the majestic rocky coast, bathed in the grandeur of the setting sun, and he thought of nothing, because he is a cat.
It was somewhat close to sunset, I've been sitting on this bench for the past five minutes, and my burger is getting somewhat colder by the passing minute. Cats would come up to me and beg for food, but later on, a bearded, washed up man would come by and feed them some fish from his daily catch in the lake, unloading his precious cargo onto the docks down below. As far as I'm concerned, this man really took a beating, whatever he did back then, because he lost his ability to walk properly, and would be limping over to his boat and struggling to climb aboard every time he left something. It was a pity, really, to see such a man in remorse and suffering. A sort of strife. But no, I cared less about his situation, and more about getting this food down my throat.
Portside was lovely at this time of the day. No wonder Kimmy likes to go here on certain nights. Ever since she broke up with Kevin, or Kerry, or whatever the fuck his name was.. right, Henry. Heath. HEATH. Fucking memory can't last a month. Yeah, ever since she broke up with Heath, she seemed to come here more often and spend less time at home.
I panicked for a moment because I have forgotten to send Kimmy to school today, but then I realised it was a Saturday and there wasn't anything to worry about. So I checked my phone. There was a missed-call by some number, and I don't usually get calls from unknown numbers, so I gave it a try anyway. I called up the number as I lit up my cigarette.
"Hello?"
I choked. I think it was Azure.
"This is Taylor right? Are you okay? You seem to be choking.."
I scrambled around and found my cigarette before it rolled off into the sea. Thank god.
"Naah, I'm good, I was eating just now and I somehow got myself a knot in the stomach," I lied.
"Well okay then. So I called you when you left the house, and I was wondering if you could uhh, bring me out to dinner?"
Wait, what?
"Uhhh"
"No, this isn't a date, but I'm really hungry, and I don't know how to cook, there's nothing in the fridge, Rayne hasn't been in all day-"
"Alright, calm down. Where are you now?"
"I'm down at Epira Hill, do you know that place?"
I'm somewhat familiar with it.
"I'll be there in five minutes. And Azure?"
"Yeah?"
"Stick to being a fag."
"What?" she laughed.
"If you were attempting to ask a guy out on a date, that is the worst possible question to ask. Ever."
She laughed for quite a while, and then hung up the phone. Maybe she was offended, but I didn't care. As long as I'm at this stage of being single, there's no room for flirting until I decide when it's time to get serious again.
