The World Assembly Strangers' Bar

[Adab]

The fish and chips, French fries, and bottle of mineral water that Enki had ordered finally arrived on his table. The grateful ambassador thanked the waiter and raised his hands until it was more or less directly in front of his face, like many other Muslims do while praying. "O Allah, protect me from all evils that may come from eating and drinking," he prayed in a solemn voice. "Protect me, o Allah, for I have many things to do as the Ambassador of Adab to the World Assembly. Amiin."

Having uttered that little prayer, Enki felt safe to start eating; he started with his French fries.

[Potted Plants United]

Having uttered that little prayer, Enki felt safe to start eating; he started with his French fries.

With its snake-like movements and tiny grab-pads able to hold it in the ceiling if need be, the creeper vine had no trouble getting to the right table, nor moving underneath the tabletop. The plant hivemind shortly debated with itself the sensibility of this course of action, but the playful annual flowers were now the majority of aware individuals, and so the creeper vine was allowed to proceed in its hunt for mineral water.

Just to be on safe side, though, a text message was sent to Johan Milkus that trouble was brewing in the Bar.

[OOC: If your ambassador feels the plant moving on the underside of the table and grabs it, it'll try to slither away, but won't attack - it'll only defend itself if he tries to snap it in half or pull off its leaves. The creeper vine is about two feet long, with main stem the thickness of a pencil.]

[Murray the Evil Skull]

Brother Maynard sits at the bar. "They want me to go out and tell people why I don't want to vote to repeal something. It's enough to get me to order another drink."

The bartender stares, "Really?"

"Sure," Brother Maynard replied. "I'll use ANY EXCUSE No matter how flimsy."

Murray turns his attention to Brother Maynard and says,
"Foolish Mortal! I can strike fear into you with no more than a stare!!! that is if we were on exact eye level...but its still scary!!!!MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

[Wrapper]

Ari enters the bar and trips over a skull.

Oh... beg your pardon, sir.

[Frustrated Franciscans]

Murray turns his attention to Brother Maynard and says,
"Foolish Mortal! I can strike fear into you with no more than a stare!!! that is if we were on exact eye level...but its still scary!!!!MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Brother Maynard turns to the Evil Skull. "I can't believe that Murray, the Evil Skull, is talking to me. I went to Murrayland as a kid. I even remember the song. 'Who's the evilist skull of all that's made for you and me? M - U - R. R - A - Y. Murray the Evil Skull.'"

Brother Maynard pauses, "But can you do me a favor and strike fear into my boss? Friar Cadfail is a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as 'my little playthings.' Perhaps a little fear might make him more open to opening up the nation for uranium mining."

[Murray the Evil Skull]

Brother Maynard pauses, "But can you do me a favor and strike fear into my boss? Friar Cadfail is a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as 'my little playthings.' Perhaps a little fear might make him more open to opening up the nation for uranium mining."

"Strike fear in him, mortal? I think I'd like to meet this man. He seems like a man after my own blackened soul....my little playthings...... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

[Cymric Corporate Authority]

A tall lean man in a well cut black suit with a dark purple shirt slips quietly into the establishment's entry, before slipping adroitly through the crowd to grab an open seat at the bar itself. He raps his knuckles twice on the counter top to get the bartender's attention. "Pint of Guinness Stout" as he turns slightly to take in the various spectacles taking place around the bar as he thinks to himself, oh lord Piet, just what have they signed you up for to come here to this place. Shaking his head slightly as he takes up the served pint, he begins to drink as his mind begins to plot revenge on those who had nominated and elected him to come serve as his nations representative to the World Alliance.

[Iron Felix]

Felix Dzerzhinsky walks into the Strangers' Bar, orders a vodka. neat, and sits at his usual table. Or at least it used to be his usual table years ago. He has been absent from the GA Chamber for a very long time.

He takes out his trusty Colt M1911 pistol, a gift which was given to him by Senator Horatio Sulla of the Palantine. He places the weapon on the table and prepares to disassemble it for cleaning. Just then, he notices that the bar has grown quiet and several of the patrons are looking at him with expressions ranging from bewilderment to disgust. He remembers something about "ACME Weapons Nullifiers".,,,,,

"Ah well, times have changed I suppose" he sighs, and places the weapon back in his briefcase.

He looks around the bar for familiar faces. He sees Murray the Evil Skull and chuckles with delight at the sight of his old friend. He will go and have a visit with Murray when he has finished his first round of vodka.

He notices Brother Maynard, an Ambassador he isn't familiar with, but has heard of. For reasons he can't quite put his finger on, the image of WerePenguins enters his head. "Well, he seems to be a monk of some sort. They drink a bit so he's probably not a bad fellow" he thinks.

He looks around the bar some more and remembers the old days, when he would have known the name of everyone in the place, their backstory, and details about them that even their wives, mothers, and lovers wouldn't have known.

He knew that one day, duty would require him to return to this place, but he finds it odd that in some ways it feels as if he's been gone only a short while, but in other ways it feels as if he's been gone a lifetime.

"Where's Neville?" he wonders.

He lights a cigarette, and concentrates on his vodka.

[Adab]

Enki saw another person coming into the bar. "Bar's getting very popular now, eh?" he said to himself. "Soon every country in this multiverse will have a representative here. Oh well, time to continue eating. May Allah be with me, for I feel that something strange is going to happen soon. Too bad I left my pistol at home."

Despite feeling somewhat uneasy, he glanced at his fish and chips and the bottle of mineral water on his table, and resumed eating his French fries.

[Hakio]

Sia Hedishi sits on her lounge chair as she angrily downs a glass of whiskey.

"So we got this new president of the United Islands, his name is Anon Grögst." Sia spitefully looks into her glass swirling the ice that's watering down her liquor. "When I was a little girl, my parents used to tell me 'Honey, you can be the president!'. What a crock of shit." Slurring her words, "Do you wanna know why I lost the Industrial Party's primary? Because my opponents pointed out that the amount of drugs I supposedly take would impair... impair-- my judgment! Yeah that's the word. I'll have you know, you bastard, Anon, that I haven't snorted cocaine in 2 weeks, and I've only taken LSD 3 times in the last..." thinks for a second, eyes glazing over, "Month! Yeah..."

[Adab]

Having finished his French fries, Enki decided that he would stop eating for a moment and do something that would make him ... less bored. He drank about one-fourth of the water in his bottle before standing up and starting to sing as loudly as possible without damaging his voice:

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters in gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed...

[Cymric Corporate Authority]

Finishing his pint, Piet raps his knuckles on the counter top again for the bartender's attention. "Another pint lad" Wincing slightly as he waits for his next drink as a terrible approximation of singing breaks out, or at least he assumes it to be some nation's claim to vocal entertainment, he can only think to himself, Piet Moriarty, when you get home, you're going to march right into Ian Douglas' office and tell him where he can stick his office of 'Deputy Director of Foreign Relations'. Taking up his new pint, Piet takes a long deep drink before muttering under his breath in his think Welsh accent, "Mutther ne'er rais'd an alcoh'lic but tha maight be aboot to change."

[Adab]

Enki continued singing, not caring much about the people in the bar and their reactions (assuming that they did notice him at all). Meanwhile, his fish and chips, along with his bottle of mineral water, sat on the table behind him; the fish and chips were rather obviously untouched and ignored by the man who had ordered them.

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune,
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long,
And the forests will echo with laughter...

[Omigodtheykilledkenny]

From his perch on the catwalk overlooking the stage and goings-on at the bar, Susa beholds his old foe, sipping on vodka and toying with his pistol. Now's his chance. He quietly pulls out his Baretta 9mm, aims for Felix's left temple, and fires -- quickly reloading the chamber and firing again. Luckily (for Felix), the ACME Weapons Nullifier is working on Susa's gun, and the ringing of each shot is echoed by a loud popping noise as the bullets, one after the other, are transformed into harmless Nerf projectiles, bouncing off of Felix's head and falling limply to the floor.

"Sic semper tyrannis, muthafuckas!" bellows the Xt'Tap militant as he grabs a rope tied to the catwalk railing and swings dramatically onto the stage. However, he fumbles on the landing, and observers can hear a loud, ominous <crack!> as Susa collapses onto the wooden paneling. Somehow, he makes it back onto his feet, but now must hobble lamely toward the main doors to make his great escape...


OOC: Apologies if I've made this joke before. Dratted summer reruns...

[Cymric Corporate Authority]

Hurriedly finishing his drink, Piet throws down enough money to cover his bar tab. After seeing the spectacle over by the stage, he was sure he'd had enough this evening and was heading back to his suite to begin plotting an elaborate revenge plot on all those who voted him to come here. Perhaps a good old fashioned burning down of their offices was in order ....

[Adab]

Hearing the commotion somewhere around the stage, Enki quickly went into panic mode, singing faster than ever before with an even louder voice and skipping several lines along the way. He finally finished the song with a great shout of "And she's buying a stairway to heaven!" and rushed out of the bar, not forgetting to bring his fish and chips and the bottle of mineral water with him. "Maybe I should have checked into a hotel instead of this place!" shouted the ambassador as he rushed past the door.

[Iron Felix]

From his perch on the catwalk overlooking the stage and goings-on at the bar, Susa beholds his old foe, sipping on vodka and toying with his pistol. Now's his chance. He quietly pulls out his Baretta 9mm, aims for Felix's left temple, and fires -- quickly reloading the chamber and firing again. Luckily (for Felix), the ACME Weapons Nullifier is working on Susa's gun, and the ringing of each shot is echoed by a loud popping noise as the bullets, one after the other, are transformed into harmless Nerf projectiles, bouncing off of Felix's head and falling limply to the floor.

"Sic semper tyrannis, muthafuckas!" bellows the Xt'Tap militant as he grabs a rope tied to the catwalk railing and swings dramatically onto the stage. However, he fumbles on the landing, and observers can hear a loud, ominous <crack!> as Susa collapses onto the wooden paneling. Somehow, he makes it back onto his feet, but now must hobble lamely toward the main doors to make his great escape...

"Chto yebat'?!?"

Felix looks up just in time to see his old nemesis, the terrorist Susa, swing from a rope and land on the stage (badly), then stagger towards the entrance to the bar.

Seeing that the Jihadist vermin is gravely injured and (hopefully) more or less harmless, Felix stands and shouts: "Susa!, I would like to have a word with you".

He sends a pair of aides (Destructor Bunnies) to assist the maniacal Xt'Tap and bring him back to the table.....or get him medical attention.....or drag him outside and drown him in a ditch......or something.

[Adab]

Having eaten his fish and chips and drinking all the remaining water in his bottle (which he threw to the street as soon as there wasn't any water left), Enki made his return to the bar, armed with a bulletproof vest and the August 2, 2014 50-page edition of The Adab Times, which he plans to use to protect himself from all incoming bullets.

"Hey waiter!" the ambassador shouted as soon as he entered the bar and took his table. "Give me another batch of fish and chips! And a cup of cappuccino!"

Having ordered his food and drink, Enki started reading the newspaper; the headline serves to inform him and all other readers of the death of an old friend of Emperor Tizqar III who served as Mayor of the Palace back in the late 1960s.

[Wrapper]

Ari walks in and notes the chaotic scene as the Kennyite ambassador collapses in the doorway.

Oh my god, they killed Susa! You ba-- no, wait, he's still alive.

He grabs the nearest drink and throws it in the ambassador's face, realizing a split second too late that he should have removed the little plastic sword with its impaled fruit first. Fortunately, before an eyeball can join the mini-assortment of tropical fruit, there's a very small pop, and the miniature sword and fruit arrangement turns into a miniature, dripping-wet pillow, its fruit-themed sham sploshing softly on Susa's face.

[Adab]

Enki stopped reading the newspaper for a while and turned his eyes to Ari as he threw the drink at the Kennyite ambassador's face; he also saw, in shock and a little bit of horror, the miniature sword and fruit arrangement turning into a pillow. Sensing that the situation was becoming even more dangerous, Enki raised the newspaper to cover his face in its entirety. He wouldn't want to see a crazy guy pointing a weapon at his face.

Enki moved to the History section of the newspaper and whispered the words that he read to himself, "...the occupation of Luxembourg was done in accordance to the Schlieffen Plan..."

[Frustrated Franciscans]

Brother Maynard looks up from his bar stool at Susa's failed assassination attempt. "Ah something entertaining," he replies to himself. "Action, drama, and dare I say it, stupidity. I do prefer 'Wine Lovers the Musical,' myself. Speaking of which, I think it's time for another glass!"

[Ardchoille]

“… and I had to bow, I’m not kidding you, Violet, I had to actually bow to that miserable, womanising, kidnapping, boxer-wearing, commitment-phobic beast Sammy Faisano! “

Violet wiped down the bar top carefully. “I thought witches didn’t bow to anyone?”

“We incline our head in a dignified, egalitarian fashion to convey respect,” Avaya explained. “Not that I respect Sammy, you understand, but as Minister for Foreign Affairs for Ardchoille, I was recognising that the survival of Antarctic Oasis for 10 years was a worthy feat, though of course unimportant beside our . . . “

POP!

Ignoring the rush of displaced air as her fuzzy outline solidified, Dicey Reilly shoved a glowing screen under Avaya’s nose. “Read that!” she ordered.

“Dicey, I know you think the Oldest Coven can’t do anything worse to you now, but teleporting –- I mean, it’s a bit blatant!”

“Shut up and read.”

“Well, if you’re going to be like that . . . Ahem! Kennyites ‘war crimnials’: Ardrigh, Monday. REVALETIONS in the ongoing KwikiLeaks scandal link Ardchoille to a plot to accuse the Omigotheykilledkenny govrnmnt of war criems. Sources close to Presidnet Reilly said a case had been prepared for presentation to the now-defuct International Crimnial Court . . . you’re right, Dicey, since they went completely digital the Herald’s been incredibly sloppy. You’d think they’d at least do a spell-check spell.”

“Shove their spelling. Sources close to the President. You?”

“No, of course not, you never tell me anyth — Dicey!” she gasped indignantly, as a green glow surrounded her. “You truth-read me! Without my consent!”

“Damn right!” agreed the President, gesturing.

POP! POP!

A dripping naked man and a six-foot-plus tuxedo Cat in a Klingon uniform (ST:TNG) appeared. Within seconds, they were at the centre of an ominous red glow.

“Really, Dicey! I was in the shower!” protested John McGonnagle, Secretary for Situations Like This, struggling one-handed to cover the gap left by Violet’s hastily snatched bar towel.

“Today is a good day to die,” observed Bast, chief security advisor.

“Die? Don’t think you’re getting out of it that easy, guys," their President grated. "We’re going to have a Little Talk.”

---

All in all, they talked far more than they shouted. There were moments of tension –-

“I’m the President! I had a right to know!”
“You’re the President because you’re a condemned criminal! You don’t have any right to know!”

. . . and moments of confusion '–-

“The Kennyites may be right-wing, stick-in-the-mud NatSov idiots, but they’re not idiots!”

-- but all good things come to an end.

“So, let me get this right,” Dicey summarised. “You drew this charge sheet up while the ICC was being dissolved. You thought that showing how much an international court was needed might sway the vote back in favour of keeping it, and you didn’t tell me because you didn’t think the Secretariat would look kindly on my being mixed up in that. Fine. I get that. But what I don’t get is why you used such lame arguments.”

“Lame? “ objected Bast. “We put in both the kidnappings; it’s not our fault that Chiang didn’t even get Avaya out of the Bar. And the rest is a direct quote from Sammy Faisano’s accession speech: ‘After seven years of war, diplomatic intrigue, mutual enmity with the World Assembly, Artichokeville, Kawaii and countless other regimes, invasions of tiny, defenseless countries just to make ourselves look good, subjecting WA fluffies to undeserved torment, and advocating positively evil policies within the World Assembly, including unrestricted free trade, sovereigntist blockers, mass slaughters of dolphins, and turning a blind eye to the tragic global epidemic of male genital mutilation, I pledge to all of you tonight: none of that is going to change.’ What’s lame about that?”

“No details, that’s what. And saying that the Kennyites had genocided the Xt’Tap when it’s the other way round . . .”

“Don’t be silly, Dicey. You obviously know nothing about warfare. Little nations don’t attack big nations. The Kennyites must have started it. That poor fanatic Susa was obviously driven mad by Kennyite brutality. Qapla'!”

“Actually, Dicey, it’s a subtle diplomatic move,” McGonnagle explained. “Bast and I have been studying the Kennyite character. If we list just a few fairly minor crimes, they won’t be able to stop themselves. They’ll just have to boast about the bigger, more horrendous ones we’ve missed out. The tide of international scorn will overwhelm them,” he assured her. “Besides, we’ve got another ace up our sleeve. We’re going to offer the KwikiLeaks whistle-blower political asylum! He’ll be so grateful he’ll give us all the dirt on those bastards!”

“Uh, John, you do realise who the KwikiLeaks whistle-blower is?” asked Avaya, hollowly.

“Why, of course I . . . no, I don’t. Who?”

“It’s my cousin, Thierry La Fronde. It’s us he’s pissed at. And he’s negotiating for asylum with Sammy in Frowning Street even as we speak.”

Gently, thoughtfully, the President of Ardchoille began beating her head against the table.

[Adab]

Realizing that the newspaper he was reading was now outdated, Enki went outside for what seemed to be a rather short time and came back inside with the August 10 edition of The Adab Times. He sat down on the same chair that he had occupied earlier and started reading the paper, starting from the History section. "The Emperor gave his blessings to Sir Ernest Shackleton as he embarked on this brave endeavor in the midst of war..." Enki muttered in a solemn fashion.

[Omigodtheykilledkenny]

Seeing that the Jihadist vermin is gravely injured and (hopefully) more or less harmless, Felix stands and shouts: "Susa!, I would like to have a word with you".

He sends a pair of aides (Destructor Bunnies) to assist the maniacal Xt'Tap and bring him back to the table.....or get him medical attention.....or drag him outside and drown him in a ditch......or something.

Susa beheld the mini-phalanx of electronic rabbits hobbling toward him, remembering full well the fate of the last ambassador to cross them.

"Ah, shit."

Luckily, he also remembered the last time he had managed to take them down, and, unable to move in any quick or useful manner, it seemed like his only real out.

Still reeling on the stage floor -- shuddering momentarily as what felt like a large wet marshmallow hit him in the face -- he grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket, typed in a code on the touchscreen keypad, then appeared to cross himself as he tossed the phone at the approaching bunnies. A loud pop could be heard as the phone short-circuited, emitting electric sparks that seemed to catch the bunnies and send jolts of electricity through their mechanical bodies. Susa thought he could see them tumbling lifelessly onto the floor, but didn't plan on staying around long enough to reap whatever consequences awaited him for robotic-animal cruelty.

He struggled mightily to get himself up on the stage, miraculously accomplishing his feat after a few seconds, turned to Felix at the bar one last time, and waved triumphantly:

"Later, fuckers."

Then the Xt'Tap leapt to the floor, somehow forgetting his lame ankle, tripping upon it, landing his face square between the eyes on the side of the open bar door -- and collapsed once again to the ground, this time unconscious.


edit: response to Ardchoille forthcoming...

[Separatist Peoples]

Ambassador Bell, who had been walking into the bar at the start of the spectacle, stared open mouthed at the events unfolding before him. I'm dreaming,He thought,blacked out on wood alcohol again, and I'm dreaming. Cautiously, as the destructor bunnies were disabled he approached the bar.

"Erm, one rubbing alcohol, neat? And a couple beef tacos?"

As his food and questionable meal choice was set in front of him, Bell eyed the destructor bunnies, his unease warring with curiosity. Quietly, he slid a taco onto the floor as bait, interested in seeing the effect.

He straightened and cleared his throat, trying to look completely natural. I wonder where Janis is? he thought, then muttered quietly, "Hope she didn't get tied up by one of those creepy PPU vines...heh, tied up! Good one!"