"Super exciting show! Well, incase you been living under a damn rock, lemme introduce myself. My name is Oliver Romá, and this is Sports Hour; an attack on your soul and senses with an onslaught of the what's happenins in the Echani…Sporting…UIVERRSSSSEEEEEE. It's gonna be good, we goin in, we goin ALLLLLLL the way in my friends and my sensual lovers…BOOOOOOOOM. Nirvana. Footballin heaven. Let's cut the shit and pass the crackers my friends."
With that, he turned and strode to a seat that rose from a series of clever little pop-up items that eventually built a lounge, complete with a high leather chair, a fireplace with a lit fire, and even two bookcases full of sporting novels, magazine articles, and peculiarly also featured Echani philosophical and ethical classics. It was an odd assortment of novels, many which seemed to be out of place, but it all added to the effect, the crazy whirlwind of energy and craziness that was Oliver Roma. There were plenty of decorations that also emerged from hidden recesses around his stage. Jerseys from Echani club teams, a giant Parisia kit behind the leather chair revealed where Oliver Roma’s allegiances lay.
Oliver sat down, poured himself a glass of what appeared to be stiff whiskey, and pulled a long necked wooden pipe, a Gandalf pipe if you will, and loaded it with some of the finest herb Eshan had to offer. Which, speaking honestly, was probably all of the marijuana grown in the nation with the ‘most appreciation’ of drugs, meaning almost every Echani citizen partook in the consumption of various different drugs. Indeed, the nation has for many years been identified as the nation with the highest consumption of recreational drugs in the most prestigious region Atlantian Oceania.
He pulled out a small pen looking object and clicked a button at the top. A few heartbeats later, the tip began to glow red hot, and Oliver Roma pressed it against the good-good in his pipe, and was happily puffing away after a few seconds.
“Putting some of dat butane, gas, lighter bullshit in your longs is a DAYUM GOOD WAYyyyyyy to kill yoself, are you a fool, are you a DAMN FOOL?” He took a puff, looking contemplative doing so. “That ain’t the way to nothin. That’s the circle of life that ends in death, you put that buuulllllsheet in your lungs, you gonna die. Mmmmhm. You gonna die dead. Where that woman at? Where is my goddamn assistant? Ah there she is. Hello all my beautiful brothers and sistahs watching this shindig, this is my assistant Heidi Gongora. Say hello to all these pretty people, Heidi, go on now!”
A thin women of olive complexion with dirty blond hair emerged from somewhere off-stage. She was dressed relatively plainly compared to her quirky partner, a tight black skirt hugged her curvy frame, while an open topped pink blouse caused viewers to shift in their seats. She struck the crowd as being a woman who floated through life, with some air in her head, and thinking that the world was much nicer than it was because of her beauty and how people interacted with her. She moved as if in a trance to a recliner that popped up stage-left of Oliver Roma’s seat. She sat, took an extended second to rearrange her skirt, before leaning back and reclining as she took out a pipe of her own, this one a more ornate glass creation with a butterfly perched on the length of the pipe, with multi-colored specks of glass adorning the pipe. She picked up a hemp ball of a pedestal that, like the rest of the office/lounge/stage, rose from the floor. She lit the loose end of the ball, touched it to the dank, and breathed in.
The shows producers didn’t like presenting Heidi Gongora in this oversexualized manner, but sex entices and sex sells, and having an attractive woman next to the dynamic, unpredictable fireball of energy and craziness that was Oliver Roma. They made for a great team, primarily discussing sports with Heidi lazily asking ‘dumb’ questions and making ‘simple remarks’ that gave fuel for Roma to build off of and gain momentum. Their talks, recorded in a live hour long broadcast, frequently jumped off the sporting track to comment on other matters around Eshan, Atlantian Oceania, and the world at large.
“Chilllllll Oliver, it’s all fine. Just take a hit, breaaatthhhhhheeee calmmmmm,” said Heidi. Their relationship, on-screen at any rate, revolved around a very simple formula. Heidi would provide the ammo with leading questions, Oliver would freakout on the subject matter, Heidi would try to calm him down, and then he’d go off on her telling him to chill, like Heidi just did.
“Chill? CHILL? Woman you know I’m always chill, the viewers know I’m always NOT chill, I ain’t got no off switch woman, I AMMMMMM Oliver Roma and I am happy and sad, chill and jumpin out my damn seat, hungry and full, all at the same time. It’s all about dat duality woman. Now hush, and let’s get talking over them scores that are Under 21 men are posting up in the D-B-ccccccccc. FIRST GAME we talking about foos is that match against Osirus-”
“It’s Osarius, Oliver--”
“Sammmmmeeee damn THANG! Don’t you go about speaking yo nonsense thinking you know all dat correcting me on the air and all of dat bulllllshit. Anyhow, Eshan-Osarius, helluva a game y’all brothas see it?” Oliver Torres lept of his chair, and made his way to the end of the stage in front of the 55 members of a live audience.
“Yeah, reallllll crazy shit happened that match, we was going right for the kill, going right in for that juggular, those u-21 soldiers we throw out there, they don’t give a DAYUMMMM...thatosariusjustwontheAOCAFthemboysdon’tcareaboutnadatheyjustgo STRAIGHT...FOR...THE……..killlllllllllll.”
“Okay Oliver, like it’s just a football match I mean nobody is going out there to, I mean no one is like trying to kill the other team it’s just a gameee”
“Just a game? Just a game, ohkay. Just a damn game. You know I love you girl, but you have ZERO CLUE WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE ON ABOUT. Damn woman, life and death? That’s petty shit, that’s everyday shit, that’s fucking wildings going au natural on yo ass and killing you and taking yo possessions and eating yo damn body because they hungreeeyyyy. Nah girl, nah listeners, nah viewers, football is much much MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than life and death. It’s football baby. Anyhow, let’s actually discuss this shit can we please? Y’all got me more jammed up than...than…...Mario Mikaza (famous for attempting to damn up all of Eshan’s rivers over half a century ago), y’all some damn fools. But I love you. Anyways, GAME.” Oliver Roma paused, chest heaving as he gasped for air after so much talking. He looked around at the crowd before sitting back in his chair and hitting an unseen button. A large screen came to life behind he and Heidi Gongora’s backs. The screen was showing the Osarian and Echani Under-21 teams lined up before the game, going through and shaking the other team’s hands.
“We came out strong, hard, fast, looking to make an impact, tryna smack their cheek, hit the jewels, begin the ancient process of jabbing our fingers into their fatty necks and ripping. Out. the. FUCKING JUGULAR, WE WILD, WE ANIMALS YOU HEAR? WE AIN’T PLAYIN WE GOING ALLLLLLL IN. We got our first shot within a minute, watch that screen with yo mind people, when that damn freak Aurelian Gautier punted the ball up field and it went over that defenses stupid head and all of a sudden Robby Stanford was in on goal but the damn youngster got a little trigger happy and blasted a shot from 18 out that was easily saved. Whatevah, ain’t no thang. Three minutes later, Big man Bambic says ‘youknowhat? Fuck.This. We scorin. So that 6’2 beanpool gets the ball from Aurelian, and took it up field. Now y’all know that Bambic is a damn technically gifted defender but this was some cheese, he juked out the Osarian striker like a...ahhhhhhhh drop of oil avoided damn water or something like that but anyway, tall Bambi dude jukes out the striker, hits a peach of a ball upfield, real high, real arcy and plenty of hangtime. It starts to fall right around the 18, and Elrond Yorick kinda floated up and gave it a whack from the edge of the box. BOOOOOOOM. And that volley was sweeter than the good nectar that Heidi provides-”
“Whhaaat what does that even meannn Oliver? I don’t have any nectar or whatever I don’t even think that’s real”
“Whatever woman, you have nectar, we all know it. Anyway, check out that strike playing on the screen behind me. BULLET RIGHT PAST THE KEEPER AND nnnnnnGOOOAALLLLLLLLLLL!”
“Wooooowwww Oliver that was a really good volley….what’s in this weed Oliiiverrrr, it’s making me feel all woooozy and I’m really bugging out.”
“That’d be the smoothie Heidi. That’d be the damn smoothie. I put something in it, I love you, but sometimes I need your soul to be nice and calm and I’m sorry but I love you gurl. It had to happen. Now quit yo whinnin, and let’s MOVE ON!” Heidi’s eyes went wide and she lifted her arms off the chair and looked at them closely. Members of the audience laughed. Oliver abruptly jumped out of his seat and strode back over to where the screen was, packing another bowl full of that beautiful, sweet Echani ganja whose THC content was off the charts.
“15 minutes later y’all, 15 quick minutes later we was knockin on that door again. Xavi Arisilde, damn good playah who’s really exploded into emerging stardom, true facts that there is, hit a pearl of a ball upfield to Marshawn Mercury. Now this dude...this dude has wheeeeeeels. Like, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllsssssssssszzzzzzzz. He can backpedal faster than most brothas can drive for chrissake, are you a FOOL??? He takes a great first touch, whatever, blows by a defender, whatever, uses some sick ass stepovers to go past another, whatever easy shit, dude fires in a bullet of a cross, it goes right past Baudelio, but falls perfectly for that nerd Robby Stanford. Dude takes a sick touch, I mean look at that (on-screen Stanford neatly controls the bullet pass with his quad, before taking a quick touch with his left boot to evade a defender and give him a chance to shoot...which he did and when yo ass is six yards away from the goal, you better damn score and that’s exactly what this homie did. BOOM GOAL. 2-NIL FOOLS WHASSUP! Yeah now we go rapid fire on yall ass. 33rd minute, y’know we lookin good just playing our game, keeping possession but not like wimps passing it around in our own half, nah we controllin da game in their half cause that’s what we do dammit. But yeah anyways, Aurelian slipped right before he hit a goalkick, and the ball went wide right, where the Osarian winger controlled it before quickly pumping it into the box. No defenders was there, they didn’t expect our keeper to slip and fall on his ass, but the Osarian striker reacted damn quickly, and was right in the box, onside too that little fucker, and simply placed it to the right side of our ‘keep. Some bulllllllsheet. 2-1, 33 minutes on the clock. Nothin big happened the rest of the half, I mean we came close a couple of times but nothin that good. Halftime 2-1 my friends. Heidi, take the next little bit away, I need to puff and meditate and rid myself of allllll these things draggin my mind, my body, my dayum SPIRIT ITSELF, down into the god damn gutter. I gotta center myself girl, you know how I do that. NOW SAY WORDS WOMAN SPEAK, ARE YOU A DAMN MUTE? SPEAK UP HEIDI”
“Ummmmm hi everyone I’m buggin out a little not gonna lie to you beautiful peopllllleee. Um so yeah, 2-1 at half and then pretty much like right after the game restarted, 46:20 on the clock, the Osarian team got a great uhhhhhh…. Counter attack and really pinged the ball upfield. I think uhhhmmm it took them like eight seconds to move the ball from midfield into our net, thanks to a great curling shot from their right-I mean left winger so yeah that was craaazzzyyyy the shot just like materialized in the right corner, like it was really a great shot.”
“Yes, yes it was gurl, but you ain’t excitin so I’m taking control over this show again. Gotta get the people GOIN HEIDI. GOTTA GET PEOPLE DANCIN IN THE DAMN STREETS. 2-2, all of us tied at 2-2. And damnit it stayed that way until the 70th minute. We’d made two changes by then folks, Jose Joaquin (from Alexandria United), that weird ass right winger/striker/space investigator dude, came in for goalscorer Robby Stanford, and Jokum Maram, that great dribbling, deep lying centermid from Real Alexandria. Pretty much straight changes right there, good tactics and that shit paid off. Brutus smashed an Osarian midfielder off the ball with his great frame, and rolled the ball to Maram, who took off up the field. Osarian players seemed hesitant to close him down as he crossed half field. As he got closer and closer and closer and closer to goal, they were finally like ‘damn dis dude gonna do dat’ he gonna score, and he gonna score good. BUT HE DIDN’T. YALL KNOW WHY? Because he’s selfless. He passes. Jokum MARAAAMMMMMM is a chef. He serves people. He brings them their food on a damn SILVER PLATTAH. Cept the food is the-the-the BALL you hear?? And the payin customer who is expecting a nice dish to be delivered to their table is none other than Mr. Anthony Baudelio, the beast mode striker from Alexandria United. Now this brotha is a beeeaasssstttt. Scored like 25ish goals his debut season, monster. Scary, scary stuff, dude is built like a bulldog but he’s got some jets on him. Jets that he put to good use racing behind that defensive line, collecting the brilliantly provided pass, and simply chipped it over the keeper’s head. FUCKING CHEEKY AS GOD DAMN HELL. I love it. IIiiiiiii loved it. I always admire a little bit of flair, I love it. I love it when homies say fuck it. You know what, Imma try something new. Imma try something fun. Imma enjoy WHAT IT IS I DO. Heidi, what the hell is it that they do???”
“They...they try to do flair…”
“Ye….what???? NO WOMAN??? THEY PLAY FOOTBALL! If I underhand it to you Heidi, you GOTTA KNOCK IT OUT OF THE DAMN PARK. You disappointin me girl, you BRINGING ME DOWN. Now, with that bullsheet out of the way, let’s keep going on and get this game WRAPPED UP! 83rd minute, that 15 year old wonderboy y’all hearing about. Magnum Cerelius from Gracemeria. Now I like this brotha, he coo, he plays well, he good lookin’, he got it all. Gonna be a real big star one day, sooner rather than later mark my damn words. Anyway, this dude comes in the 83rd, it’s his first time representing Eshan in an international tournament, so congrats to you my man. Anyhow, 84th minute, my little homie hasn’t even been in for a full minute yet, when we win the ball out of the midfield and start to counter. Brutus Aurelianus won the ball (again), passed it back to Arisilde (again), who hit it up field (again) to Marshawn Mercury (AGAIN). This dude crosses it (AFUCKINGGAIN), it’s a little too high for Anthony Baudelio, but it falls perfectly for Magnum Cerelius right at the penalty spot. No need for a touch to settle it, Magnum took it right out of the air and easily slotted it home. First touch in his international debut, first goal. Now that is some shit. 4-2 final time, what a DAMN GAME. Ah shit, well looks like we gotta take a quick commercial break, thanks for watching y’all and don’t you take dem pretty asses away from us!”
Echan Sporting Daily
Great Final Group Match Seals Round of 16 in DBC
Great Final Group Match Seals Round of 16 in DBC
Another tournament, another knockout round appearance for an Echani team as our Under-21 delegation advanced to the Round of 16 in the Di Bradini Cup in our first appearance at the prestigious competition. Fresh off a 4-2 win against AOCAF champions Osarius, the Echani team took on a Sangti team looking for qualification, and although we headed the group with six points heading into the final match, both Ethane and Sangti were tied at second with three points apeice. Qualification was hardly secured going into the last matchday, and the team knew with a win or draw they would advance. The team went in knowing only a win would appease the fans; we never play to lose, we never play to draw. We only play to win.
Sangti came to play, they brought their A-game and kept the pressure up the entire match, always chasing after loose balls, always nipping at the heels of the Echani players. TO be honest, it seemed like the Echani team wasn’t prepared for this level of pressure, at least for the first ten minutes of the match or so when we started to make more of an impact in the match, but by then some damage had already been done.
In the eight minute, some excellent team pressing forced Brutus into a poor backpass to Arisilde, who really had to stretch to get it before an onrushing Sangtian attacker did. Unfortunately, this pressure meant Arisilde had to hit a wild ball back to Darren Tran, who completely mistimed his first touch, although the pass was shoddy one, and just like that the Sangtian striker was in on goal. Aurelian wasted no time charging out of goal, and did a great job of closing down the angles. Hats off to the striker though, who kept his cool and pulled of a slick fake shot to sent Gautier to the floor, before rounding him and passing the ball into an empty net to give Sangti a 1-nil lead within the first ten minutes.
Six minutes later, further worries for the Echani team, when the same striker hit one of the sweetest knuckleball freekicks I have ever seen. It blew past Alexandre Neves, who was stood at the end of the four man wall. From 25 yards away, it had plenty of time to rise, dip, dive, and swerve from side to side, confusing Aurelian to the point that the 16 year old keeper dove the wrong way in a very uncharacteristic mistake for the mature beyond his years goalkeeper. 2-nil without a quarter hour on the clock, things were very much not looking bright for the Echani team.
In the 41st minute, right before the stroke of halftime, a little bit of genius from Elrond Yorick. The young midfielder from Matthew Rangers has been sensational this tournament, his creative dribbling and cutting passes have terrorised defenses in the two other games we’ve played this tournament, and this game was no different. With laughable ease he neatly nutmegged a defender before threading a great pass through for Anthony Baudelio to run onto. The young striker took two touches in stride, blowing past the defensive line without any trouble at all, before rocketing the ball past the Sangtian keeper and into the net to make it 2-1, GOAL. Halftime, 2-1 on the board.
In the second half, the Echani team finally kicked into gear, pinging the ball all over the field in a hurry, relieving pressure and tiring out the Sangtian team by passing and passing and passing. As the Sangtian legs got heavier and heavier, the Echani team started to dominate. In the 57th minute, we finally got the vital equalizer by way of a great freekick from the 17 year old athletic center mid Trayvon Wilson from recently promoted Gracemeria. Making only his second appearance for the U-21 team, both of them from the bench, Trayvon hit a real curler from 23 yards out that curved up and over the wall and hung way to the left, going past the diving hand of the Sangtian goalkeeper to even it all up at 2-2.
61st minute, 17 year old winger/striker Daniele Dionisi from Monmarte took the field for Robby Stanford, who looked a little off pace all game. Dionisi is one for the future, although the youngster boasts top level dribbling skills and absolutely oozes flair with his creative tricks on the ball. Shortly after his introduction to the match, a long Sangtian clearance fell to Alexandre Neves, the Echani team’s left back. The pacey Neves collected the ball before passing it into the center to Trayvon Wilson, he used his surprising speed to burst upfield, knocking the ball past the Sangtian midfield into acres of space. He sprayed the ball out left for Neves, who had continued his run into the offensive half. He took a touch before neatly pulling off a crossover that sent a defender the complete wrong way, before pumping the ball into the box, where Anthony Baudelio rose brilliantly to head it home. 3-2.
Eight minute later, we found net again in a very bizarre way. Centerback Eric Bambic found himself pressuring a Sangtian defender on the edge of the 18 following a corner kick. The defender went to clear the ball, but only succeeded in getting it as far as Bambic’s face, which the ball smacked against and rebounded brilliantly to a surprised Baudelio, who acted quickly to take it out of the air and loft it over the keeper towards the far corner, where it fell brilliantly to complete Baudelio’s hattrick. IN the celebrations that followed, Bambic was slow to get up and looked more than a little woozy when he eventually got to his feet, prompting Miralem Marjanovic to use his last substitution, replacing Bambic with the hot prospect Giorgio Magnozzi. The 6’6 centerback from Sebio City was making his first international appearance, and had the job of keeping Eshan’s 4-2 lead intact. The 16 year old boasts plenty of strength, along with a surprising top speed and brilliant defensive skills to create a future superstar.
The score held 4-2 until the 81st minute, when the tricky and brilliant ball control and dribbling skills of Daniele Dionisi saw him meg a Sangtian defender once, before rolling the ball back the other way right through his legs again for a rarely seen double meg. With the ball dead at his feet, the young Dionisi did well to predict the angry retaliation from the defender, who went in for a bun-crunching tackle against the kid who had just torched him. Dionisi easily popped the ball up into the air and over the defender's sliding head, before cutting into the middle of the field. With Baudelio in stride ahead of him, Marshawn Mercury cutting in from the right, and Brutus Aurelianus trailing behind him, there was no way Dionisi could get this wrong and not emerge with an assist, and get an assist he did with a clever fake pass forward to Baudelio before stopping the ball with the studs of his right boot about 23 yards out from goal, perfect for the 6’5, 171lbs frame of Brutus thundering onto the ball. He put all of his weight through the ball, and absolutely torched it into the net. The Sangtian keeper got both hands to it, but such was the force of the shot that it simply blew through his hands into the goal to make it 5-2.
And so we head to the round of 16 in what is sure to be a tightly contested affair between Eshan and Brigantii. I would consider us to be favorites in the match, although to not respect the opposition could very well see us fall. Brigantii scored eight goals, conceding seven while the high powered Echani team scored 10, conceding only four as we won all three matches. Go team.
