World Cup 74 - RPing Thread

[Taeshan]

Can they Do It?

http://chirb.it/b4PEzk

[Ficiscia]

Home Team Locker Room, National Stadium, Carinha, Ficiscia

Did you think we were nervous before the first game of the Baptism of Fire? Or before the final against Amazonesta? I did. But now... I was thousands of times more nervous now. Over 80'000 were in the sold out stadium, among them my parents, who couldn't leave their small book publishing company alone for long enough to come to Ceni, Vanessa who couldn't get holidays on such short notice and another bunch of friends who have never seen me wearing the National Team jersey, and I was to lead my team onto the pitch against one of the 100 best teams in the whole Multiverse in a few minutes. Everything was just different. Larger. We had received a roster and some tactical information about Eshan in truly the last minute, and got ready take them on. A man hammered against our locker door, visibly about as stressed and nervous as we were, telling us we needed to be out in the tunnel in two minutes. Netta finished his last sentences and sent us out when I noticed Pavel, Andri and Petrus waving us together, the few who were out with us in Cenial. They huddled us together and Petrus started to speak. "You all know what we swore that one night in that bar. For fucks sake, act on it! Or I'm gonna regret that I left that blonde back there" he chuckled, making us all laugh and be a little less nervous. We reminded each other of our oath, and suddenly, next to that overwhelming wave of nervousness, there was a bit of hope and power.

Over the time, it grew and grew. As we stood for the national anthem, I shivered. As you probably know, our anthem has no lyrics, so we were just standing in awe - until a stadium full of people shouted unisono the Sumus Ficiscia chant that came after the anthem traditionally. This moment left me with goosebumps and incredible power, the power of Ficiscia in my heart. And with this power, we lined up and took the kickoff. It took us some time to get into the game and get used to our opponents, but we quickly noticed where their weaknesses laid and tried to avoid being pressured to death.

As we won possession, they usually closed down onto us, which gave our fast wingers a chance to charge down the lines. One or two times, they could find Rectus or Sergius in the area, but Eshan's keeper was playing at his best and got all our attempts. The fans cheered us on, pushing us forward with every contact, and it was what we needed. About twenty minutes later, I got the ball in midfield and I tried to carry it forward when Markovic, this midfielder who was on my heels through the whole game, left his foot standing for a little too long. I fell over it and rolled over the ground when I heard the referee's whistle. He pulled me up while the referee told him the yellow card would be ready if he did that again, and Andri came to me to take the ball and give me a little "well done". I jogged a few metres forward, ready for Andri if he wanted to pass the ball, when I saw it flying over my head. It lowered in the penalty area, onto the head of Nicos Rectus, off a defender, and... on the foot of Alexandrinos! "GOAAAAAAAAL" the announced shouted, as we huddled together in joy. We were leading against Eshan!

However, about an hour later, things seemed to turn against us. Eshan got more aggressive, having equalized shortly after our goal, and scored another one late in the first half, luckily (for us) disallowed for offside. We were all defending against their frequent and hard attacks, but then a chance opened for us. On the right side, Pavel won the ball back and passed it to Andri, who sent Petrus Rex down the line. I ran along with him, Sergius slightly behind me. We had the whole Eshan defense on our back, but before us were only the two center-backs. One of them went to the outside, to Petrus, while one tried to cover me and Sergius. I saw Petrus dribbling past his defender, crossing sharp and flat as he loved to. It was aimed right into my way, perfect height and speed, but the goalkeeper saw it as well. He ran to me and would be only a meter or two in front of me when I reached the ball, leaving no angle for me. "Retro, Deci!" I heard someone scream behind my right side. A voice I instantly recognized. Seeing the little space the goalie gave me, I pulled my right foot back for a shot - and let the ball just bounce off the outside of it, a few metres to the right, where Sergius Vero stormed forward and shot the ball hard into the net before he jumped onto me and tackled me almost to the ground.

We disappeared under a hill of Ficiscian players. Seven minutes before the end, we shot our team ahead against the number 4 of the group. Things went to our side again. The coach took me off the pitch and brought Harall Sjoedberr in, a defensive player. And the next eight minutes turned to hell. I was sitting on the bench, watching the game, shouting, biting my nails. But then, relief came, one minute into injury time, when Parca scored off a corner. A minute later, the referee blew the whistle and the stadium in Carinha exploded when we, the Ficiscian national team, had beat Eshan and took the number one spot in the group.

[Northern Sunrise Islands]

"It seems like the final hand of the prophecy has finally waken up." A wise old woman said, decked on the finest robes possible, declared loudly to the many on the room. "One of us needs that." The room was filled of people, mostly decked on ninja suits. The old woman started to talk again. "Nokarimitsu! It's your chance to succeed. Find the final hand and sew it off."

A girl among the many people on the room nodded, disappearing seconds later from thin air. The girl was already outside of the temple, running over the rooftops of the big city before stopping at the top of an usual building.
There, she could see some green-ish light from a room, what she assumed to be the last hand of prophecy. Then, she heard something. "Thanks for showing me around! Really enjoyed your place!" yelled the enthusiastic Leon, followed by Noah's parents Yo and Asa.
"Don't worry, Leon." answered Yo with an easy smile, "I'm glad to have found someone just as enthusiastic about the old scriptures as myself!"
Asa patted her husband on the back, before adding to the conversation "I'm sorry about Noah. He's a bit bothersome."
Leon smiled, nodding. "Well, maybe it's just the whole excitement about tomorrow! That's all! Tell him I sent my regards and I'll wait for him tomorrow at the Academy!" Nokarimitsu resumed scouting that green light before noticing that it was, in fact, a boy's arm the generator of such light, seemingly from the weird bandages.
"Noah, huh?" pondered Nokarimitsu, before leaping from one rooftop to the one covering Noah's house. "My condolences to Noah, then." The kunoichi tricked her way into the room without making noise. She noticed the room's only lights were from Noah's bandaged arm and that he was sleeping on his own with another bed on the room still empty. The ninja girl pulled out a small knife, already preparing to cut his arm out. But as she prepared to slice his arm, the green energy pushed her off.
She landed on the bed, startling Noah. "...Who are you!?" The girl ran by Noah and leaped through the open window. Noah tried to look at her after that, but there was nobody around. "...Arceus, what an evening."

CHAPTER II - BACK OF YOUR NECK

"Nice Christmas decoration, Noah." said Lea, walking by. Noah's arm, for some reason, had been glowing green ever since he woke up. While he clearly wasn't bothered about it, his old sister couldn't help it. "Oh, let me guess, your arm is evolving! It'll become even more worthless!" As Lea started to laugh, Noah simply continued his way to his father's room.
"Well... I officially have no clue, Noah. At least from what I could gather, it's not poison and..." answered his father, thinking a bit before snapping his fingers. "We stumbled onto a mystery, time to get the books!"
Noah crossed his arms, angered. "I have a class to go, dad." Yo nodded, calmly. "Then go! Your mother went through a lot to get you there." A while later, Noah was well dressed to his first day at school, taking a couple of bites from an apple he took from home.
The streets weren't really packed, but he could notice a good ammount of people walking around and, sadly, he could notice their stares at his arm. Eventually, he covered his glowing arm with his coat and walked his way to the Academy.
There, of course, was Leon, who was speaking with some blond kid. "Speaking of the guy... Hey, Noah! What is it with the coat?" Noah waved his uncovered hand, before simply looking at the unknown guy. "Oh! This is Niklas. He's from Polkopia. Turns out we're all on the same class." Niklas offered his hand, only for Noah to shake his hand and drop the coat, uncovering his glowing green arm.
"Well, that's a tad... how do you say it... unusual, isn't it?" pondered the Polkopian, before looking at Leon. "Is he a magician?"
Leon poke up the coat and gave it to Noah who then covered the glowing arm again. "I don't really know what happened with my arm." said the Sunrisian, holding the coat up. "My father's studying on it, but..."
"Nothing came out of it?" asked Nicklas, staring at him.
"Yeah! How did you-" Once again, Nicklas stopped him midway.
"A good guess. I still have to get some of my own papers, if you excuse me, Leon and Noah."
Nicklas walked his way out of the room, while Leon nudged Noah. "Did you get your schedules and books already, Noah?" Noah answered negatively and then tried to follow Nicklas, reaching him at the end of the line of students. Leon followed him, talking a bit more. "Funny that you ended up on the Foreigner Class, Noah!"
Noah smiled a bit, before reminding his hometown. "Maybe it's because I'm from Lorelei and their definition of foreigner is a bit... inclusive."
Up front on the line, however, a girl caused a bit of commotion. "What you mean by I can't get a gun straight away? This is an outrage! The San Jose Guayabalian Ministry of Foreign Relations will KNOW this!" The tanned, black-haired girl had an air of herself, nagging a lot about her origins while the girl behind her simply pulled her backwards a bit. "Who dares to touch Carmen de la Luz Sagrada de Sant'anna y Rosario?"
The girl who pulled her, was a quiet, dark-haired and almost pale girl. Her dark-brown eyes stared into Carmen's soul. "Shut up." Carmen simply took her papers and books and walked out of the line, quiet. The pale girl talked now to the courier, still with a near mute voice, "I'm Nana Karimitsu, foreign student from Kazamatsuri Island." She also got her books and walked quietly to the student's room.
"Weird people, ain't them?" asked Leon, while Noah shrugged.
"That Carmen girl is probably the daughter of the Guayabalian Ambassador. I recall his name being Juan de la Luz or something." pointed Nicklas, advancing on the line.
"How do you know-" Nicklas once again stopped Noah.
"My mother is the Polkopian ambassador. I'm supposed to know those people."
Leon nudged Niklas, laughing afterwards, "He didn't tell you yet because... well, he's not a fan of the spot. I would love if it was me, but eh."
Niklas stared back at the line, "You get tired of arrogant people eventually, Leon. And I've passed that line a while ago."

The day had finally been over, mostly introductions and whatnot. He did however find that he wasn't the only Sunrisian on the class. "Uh... Noah, could you show that thing you do with your arm?" asked the Yttribian as they were on their way to leave the Academy.
"If you insist." Noah exposed his glowing arm, while Leon looked at him, still surprised. Noah covered his arm, shrugging. "Well, here we part ways. Until tomorrow, Noah!" said Leon, waving good bye. Noah took the short way via the forest near his home. He could feel someone following him and as he finally turned his back...

A silver knife swipe lunged towards him from the hands of a ninja. He used his glowing arm to block the knife. And just as that, the attacker was thrown backwards. He finally could see who attacked him as he got closer to the attacker. Noah got hold of the mask, lifting it upwards only to see...

"...Nana?"

[Whovian Tardisia]

First WC 74 Qualifying Match a Loss!

Yesterday's football match, Whovian Tardisia's first ever match in a World Cup Qualifier, turned out to be a massive 4-0 loss to Bears Armed. Many fans were outraged, however, due to the fiasco during the Baptism of Fire, there were more police deployed on match day, and the riots were far less serious. Fans that traveled to Bears Armed to watch the match were on very good behavior, to the astonishment of Whovian reporters. A WTSN cameraman, who identified himself only as Phil, said to the Post: "I was half expecting the stadium to get set ablaze, you know. I wore a bulletproof vest and a helmet for this! And I don't think anyone so much as spoke a curse word." Even the players were bizarrely polite, applauding after the Belles performed their infamous harrdiharr ritual, and shaking hands with every player afterwards. The only exception to the latter was Joss Wheeler, one of the defenders, who declined to speak with the Post. Mr. Needham was once again tracked down, however, he had fallen asleep in a pub and was thus unable to comment on the loss. Be sure to pick up the Post on Thursday for World Cup coverage of Wednesday's match against New Gelderland!

Article provided by the Arcadia Post.

[Kandorith]

---

Opening Loss Red Dragons



Semarland 1–0 Kandorith

  Group 17                            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Ficiscia                              1    1   0   0     3    1   +2     3
2 Quakmybush                            1    1   0   0     2    0   +2     3
3 Semarland                             1    1   0   0     1    0   +1     3
4 Kandorith                             1    0   0   1     0    1   −1     0
5 Eshan                                 1    0   0   1     1    3   −2     0
6 Greater Rashland                      1    0   0   1     0    2   −2     0

Kandorith fails to impress in their very first match, as Semarland just got the edge over the Red Dragons. A very fit Kandorith however entered the field, but the defensive style seemed a bit rustic against Semarland. Semarland, who were obviously more composed in the second half after a very intense first half. Exhaustion did not seem to be the problem on the Kandorese side, but eventually the Semarland team found a hole in the Kandorese defense. Lack of attention let the attack slip passed the defensive part, of a further very solid Kandorese defense, and score a very impressive goal, with Jianjun Tuan being unable to save the goal.


Disappointment was the theme of the evening for the Kandorese fans, they had expected their team to win; or at least draw the game as the match became progressively a mid-field stalemate. People are confident however Kandorith will make up in the upcoming match against Eshan. On paper Kandorith should win this with ease. The Kandorese team looks fit, disciplined and with Huangzhou's guidance looks ready to fight back the loss they suffered in the opening match. Huangzhou even went as far as calling the defeat 'unacceptable to the modern Kandorese style of football' and he urged the players to shift their mentality already.


With the shift in mentality it seems Huangzhou is also switching around the starting eleven for the upcoming matches. With Méng making a return, the two top goalscorers of the Kandorese nation will be performing again together, in a hope to turn around the Kandorese team at the start of the campaign. Méng still being a fan favorite will surely be welcomed by the home crowd and Kandorith has never failed to perform well at their home stadium. Will the home stadium give Kandorith the boost they need to start up their campaign, we will see in the match against Eshan. Along with Méng making his return in the starting eleven Madato will star next to him. Both Méng and Madato are the Kandorese top scoring players and are not only active in the striker area, but great supportive mid-field players. Huangzhou seems to be making an approach to a very counter based tactic, with which Kandorith did very successful during the previous world Cup. Although Kandorith will be resting an extra day; after that they can fully start the campaign and reassure their position on the group table.

---

(Home)Kandorith vs Eshan(Away)

---

Substitutes
GK - N^o 24: SEIJI Sakabara
GK - N^o 25: KEIXÍAN Han
LB - N^o 6: SUYING Shin
CD - N^o 8: HUÁN Jun
CD - N^o 14: MING-HUA Te
RB - N^o 16: SHANYUAN Lee
CDM - N^o 11: MURAKAMI Mitsuhare
LM - N^o 18: OKHA Eiichi
RM - N^o 20: XIN Zihao
CAM - N^o 21: QÍNG Weimin
ST - N^o 19: QEILAN Zhu
ST - N^o 17:MINGZHENG Shéng

Starting eleven
GK - N^o 1: JIANJIN Tuan
LB - N^o 3: XIAN Shilin
CD - N^o 5: XIEXIE Tian
CD - N^o 7: LUNG Mara
RB - N^o 9: MAO Zhénsheng
CDM - N^o 4: TAIJI Moto
LM - N^o 12: KEILÁNG Xie
RM - N^o 15: SHAN Xiaobo
CAM -N^o 10: XÍMÍN Chosi
ST - N^o 13: MADATO Xien-kan
ST - N^o 23: MÉNG Zeijí

---

[Walkany]

The Wandelaar Times
International Football: World Cup Qualifying

---

Politics---News---Finance---Health---Sports---Tech---Travel---Food

Here we join Adam Adama, the Walkany national team manager, after the first match day of Qualifying where his team managed a decent 2-2 draw over opponents Dreamplanet. The opening day was not as exciting as everyone thought it would be, with the Gators performing well under expectations and conceding two goals through easy chances. Surely, they will be thankful for Kenyon Rios' double, but the defense's ability to shut down attacks was lacking. Cam Roach and Kaden Ilbert, the full backs, will be under close scrutiny as they each allowed more than Dreamplanet's fair share of chances, two of which were able to tie it up with Walkany's first half lead. When substitute full back Vipond Barnabas came on for Ilbert to make his debut, the three Heartpuddle FC defenders then locked it down, though unfortunately it was after the game had been equalized.

Highlights of the day revolve mostly around goal keeper Gerold Klempner and striker Kenyon Rios, the only two that seemed capable of performing to the best of their abilities. Klempner had ten saves on the match, three of which were in one-on-one's with Dreamplanet's players. He had several fantastic diving saves as well that kept Walkany from a loss. Rios was on target for the Gators as he scored a free kick just on the half hour mark and then was able to poach a goal from one of Cuevas' deflected shots in the fortieth minute. Other notable players were Rafe Mingo whose passing was crucial to keeping the ball moving forward and Paxton Casales' dribbling that kept the Dreamplanet players on their toes.

The most under performing players were quite obvious if you watched the game. Kaden Ilbert was out of his depth, allowing the majority of chances on goal through bad defending. Cam Roach would have been right along side him if it had not been for his injury time tackle to stop a fierce Dreamplanet counter attack. This at least brought up his rating a little, just above Short's, another player that under performed. Short was beat on five different occasions through miss-timed tackles and earned himself a yellow card for the last one in the eightieth minute before being subbed off for Franky Pitts, another player making his international debut. Adam Adama had this to say after the game.

"I'm not happy with the players. They know they can do better. I saw frustration, anger, and anxiety which is dreadful. I understand its their first competitive international, but we were up in the first half. We must show resilience to fight on in the end of games. It is crucial we learn this, though it is something that they should already know as most of them have been playing for years now."

Reporter: Do you believe Gerold Klempner was pivotal in the draw today?

"Gerold was very good today. We're lucky to have a player that works so hard and believes in his own ability. So many keepers today feel that if something goes wrong, its at fault of the defense. Sometimes this is true. Sometimes it is the keeper. Sometimes it is neither. I'm very glad that Gerold takes all of this responsibility on himself instead of blaming others. Great character."

Reporter: Did the defense perform to your expectations?

"The defense struggled which is surprising. I thought we had been doing well in practice, but I suppose we'll have to add some extra defensive training. I don't think we'll rotate the squad at all, though Kaden and Cam need to improve. I have seen them perform better within their clubs, so I know they can do it."

Reporter: Your next game is against Raltharan. Will you get your first win?

"Definitely. They're a good team, but I know we can do it. We don't know much about them and I'm sure traveling there will be difficult. We'll be doing some double training days for sure to prepare defensively and keep our attackers ready to strike. Personally, I think Rios will score against Raltharan. I don't doubt that Cuevas will score either. They're both good and they will be essential in getting the win in our first away game."

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[Chromatika]

Randt's Ramblings
Hosted by: James Randt, DIn, Chromatika City Chronicle

Match Review: @ The Grand Duchy of 46566 (246)
What a disastrous way for the Anomalies to start their cycle! A draw against a team such as the Grand Duchy is not the way that Franscesca wanted things to be done. That bastard Aart kept letting the ball get through when he should've trapped it, and it just seemed like the whole defensive backfield was out of sync. They were so lucky that they didn't scored upon. Ilya and Raoul had to work overtime, and Thorben definitely made some clutch saves. On the offensive end, Kelly and Lucas did their damnedest to get the ball up to Antonio and Quren, but left a lot to be desired. Hellion's set pieces were also off, and thus we maintained the zero-zero draw. Ellen and Sorendai didn't do bad for their first time playing, but left enough to be desired. Most certainly not the best way to start off a campaign, not with...

Match Preview: vs Kirisaki (34)
Unknown Kirisaki came out swinging, thumping Jeckland emphatically by a score of five to nil. This doesn't bode well for the Chromatiks, who will need to make a statement that they want to win in this world cup by getting at lest one point or taking a win against them. Otherwise, it may even be time to start pushing the panic button this early. Who thought that they'd tie against a team ranked one hundred lower? That's utterly stupid!

Do I still believe? Um, yeah, I suppose. But they need to earn the trust, right? Is that too much to ask for? Nothing to suggest anything else otherwise.

Ir's all that bastard Aart's fault, I swear! Taking the focus off of the team when they need it the most just because of his personal bloodline issues. Blargh.

Very disgruntled Randt signing off for now.

[Krytenia]

Left Sweatin' In Swestan
by Trevor O'Carroll in Some Godforsaken Hellhole

THERE are better places to start a World Cup campaign. A half-empty stadium, a half-arsed home support, and the Cyan Army somewhat depleted because of...well, just look at the place. Apparently, if it's a ball game where you're not allowed to commit assault against the opposition, nobody here wants to know. And thus, in a stadium that seemed that it was populated by four old men and a confused pigeon, the Aces (or should that be Dragons?) put in a performance that can be best described as "nervy".

Gone was the swagger of the side that turned over Mertagne in the last set of qualifiers; missing was the heart that has helped the men in sky blue and white to the semi-finals of the last two AOCAF tournaments. In their place was sloppy play, careless passing, and a seeming lack of impetus. Not that it mattered; this Swestan side could have been playing against thin air and been lucky to escape with a goalless draw. In the end, it was simply a case of waiting for the Aces/Dragons to finally put together a chance that hit the back of the net.

And so, we waited.

And waited.

Eighty-six minutes, it took, for a lacklustre Krytenian side to put the game to bed. Sam Alinas' pass was almost lackadaisical; Armando Ortega's touch, though, was sublime, bringing the ball down, playing a quick one-two with Valrauncion, and then slamming the ball home first time.

There'll be no room for this kind of play in Krytenia's next match. For a start, it's at home; secondly, the Cyan Army will have their work cut out for them against around thirteen thousand Infamous Ultras of Red Blackiland in the stands. The Southern Arena will be a bubbling cauldron of noise for both sides; let's hope it's the Dragons/Aces that come to the boil.

SWESTAN - 0
no scorers

KRYTENIA - 1
Ortega 87

[Armeia]

STRIKERLESS: A BLOG FOR ARMEIAN FOOTBALL

ANONYMOUS ARMEIAN: PART TWO

Conor Svedsson is likely to be suspended by the Federation for racist comments against Svenja Volksson and other Vandals players last season

Let me tell you a story about a girl I played with. She was a striker, this girl. Only 5’6 in her early twenties, which in Armeian terms is tiny. She had the lowest weight on the team, too, but boy could she fly on the pitch. And her aim was incredible, she had this uncanny ability to know exactly where to strike the ball to take advantage of the spin and momentum of it. Some players need a dead ball to get a good curved shot, but this girl could score almost directly off of crosses, trapping the ball better than anyone I've ever known.

We called her Mo, a shortened version of her middle name, and she was always the most skilled striker on our team, even when she missed most of the season for various reasons. Despite her obvious skill, she never adapted well to being a pro. She stayed out too late partying, didn't bother to learn the regional language(she spoke Czech and ONLY Czech when she first arrived at our team), and she, and this is in her words, not mine, “blew her contract on tequila and hookers”.

At first we weren't really friends, just roommates at the team apartments, and I loaned her money sometimes because she didn't play enough to make cash from her appearance fees. We didn't talk much, I just gave her money when she asked and she repaid me when she was able to. So, if we weren't friends, why am I talking about her now?

Well, Mo ended up saving my life. Remember how earlier I talked about my teammates? They already disliked me when they realized I was better than them, and they went to hating me when they found out about my, uh… Unique ancestry, which I won't comment on because it identifies me. You have to remember that Armeia is broken into many different ethnic groups, and I landed myself on a team full of Poles, giving them another reason to have it in for me.

By the time the season was nearly over, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to live with the ones who tormented me every day, and they made sure that even training was hell. I could almost handle it, but everything hit a breaking point when I thought it would be a good idea to ask the most popular girl on the team to go on a date after training one day, because I wrongly assumed that she wasn't Polish and that she didn't have a grudge against me.

I couldn't have known then how wrong I was… The result was getting laughed off the pitch by the majority of the team, and a flurry of insults about not knowing my own family history. Like I said, I won't comment on that, but it's not hard to piece together why they hate me because of it from what I've already said. By the way, that girl is on our national team right now. She's one of the rising stars for us, and I've forgiven her for what happened between us. It still remains to be seen if she's also let go of her grudges with me.

So how did Mo save my life? We’ll have to get to that in the next article. I'm sure you're all waiting to hear what I have to say about coach Svedsson, and you'll have to wait no longer.

---

We were on international duty when I overheard Svedsson talking with his assistants about Svenja Volksson, the Vandals hero who went abroad after a contract dispute with him. She clinched Vandals’ only league title with a late goal on the final day of the season, pushing them past Hawks for a miracle finish, and she thought that she should have been paid more based on that, despite being an irregular starter.

This wasn't Volksson’s first conflict with the staff, she spent five games with WFC Vorsaa the season before, because she was demoted from the first team for missing a lot of practices and butting heads with team captains. So let’s just say that she wasn’t best friends with Conor to begin with. But everything grew more intense when contract season came around and she demanded a multi million dollar contract, saying that she wanted to stay but that she wasn’t willing to take any less money.

Conor is someone who values loyalty above other things, and that really struck a nerve with him. I recall him saying that her demands were ridiculous, that she wasn’t even good enough to make it at Vorsaa as a consistent starter, and I remember him saying that she was the least marketable forward on the team because, she, in his words, “doesn’t even have tits or a face”.

Now, I’m sure all of you are wondering how that’s racist. That wasn’t the racist part of what he said… During the same conversation with his assistants, he went on a rant about how little resources Vandals had to try and defend the title, and he blamed it on the immigrants in Cora City and Forge, specifically the African ones. According to him, it was easy for Vandals to build a competitive team on a small budget when they only signed German and Swede ethnicity players, because those players were well off enough financially to not demand huge contracts(paradoxically, Cora City is the poorest of the three largest in the country. However, most players chasing big contracts would rather play in Loftus or Terrum, where the teams pay more on average. The reason why signing Germanic players worked so well for Vandals is because the only ones who would sign for them were the ones who were willing to take less money to play for the city).

Svedsson claimed that once the immigrants arrived in the 90s and 2000s, they were in a bad position financially, and when Vandals started to sign them recently, abandoning its Germanic/Scandinavian only policy, they all demanded unreasonable contracts so they would have enough money to move their families into better neighborhoods or to live in luxury for a change.

Svenja left because of this, she believed that her ancestry was the reason why Conor ‘had it in for her’ during her time at Vandals. Is she right? That’s debatable. She was asking for a lot of money, when her skillset doesn’t extend beyond poaching, but goalpoachers are typically highly valued in Armeia. Then again, Vandals is very different from every other team here. I’m not going to comment further on this, what happened was already known among many national teamers. I’m just doing my job by bringing it into public light.

---

Apparently it’s expected that Conor will be suspended by the federation in light of what I just revealed, at least that’s what Ezra told me after I published the first article in this series. He wants me to give some insight on who the next manager is going to be if Conor gets the sack, which is looking more likely after my prediction was correct.

The obvious answer would be Jakob Willems, the former Lions manager who is now out of a job, but I think that the federation doesn’t like the balanced style that he’s been known to play. Behind the scenes, the Leroux family is highly interested in this job. I would say they want it more than anything right now. Kal is tied up with his job as Hawks GM and Atlas adviser, but according to some sources within Real Barrier, Miranda Byquist is pushing hard to become interim manager. I’ll get to why she’s an awful choice in the next article.

The favorite for the job is Holly Jonasson, who succeeded Leroux with the Southern Armeia regional team but had no success, and who managed to win seven titles in nine years during years past with Southeastern. She’s revised her tiki taka style to rely less on winning the ball and more on pressuring those who have the ball, and the result is a killer offense for Lionesses. But I don’t think she’s going to do good in a role with the national team because of her tendency to divide a locker room wherever she goes unless she completely rebuilds a squad to fit her preferences.

She can’t walk into a struggling team and turn them around without significant time to revise the squad, time that we don’t have. And there’s no guarantee that she can get along with stars like Milan and Reina Toure, or Zoran Michel.

Now, Holly has decent reasons for needing a high amount of control. She had a terrible childhood, her parents frequently beat the shit out of her for having almost failing grades in school, and they tried to force her to become a top athlete when she was in high school. She didn’t have any control of anything at all, really, when she was young, so she makes up for it by being one of the most controlling managers in the league now that she’s an adult. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just that it takes her either tons of cash or tons of time to make her squad the way she wants it, and it’s not like we can just buy the players she wants on the international level, and we preferably want to qualify for a World Cup soon instead of waiting years for her to perfect the squad. And it would be disastrous if she had a falling out with one of our crucial players, which has happened to her at literally every job that she’s had in her career.

Who do I think should get the job?

This sounds crazy, but Rakel Teixeira, the sacked AFC Center City manager, really deserves the job. Let me tell you about her. She’s one of the younger managers in WD1, but she took the league by storm because of her knowledge of counter attacking tactics and creating teams that are solid defensively but still retain scoring ability. She started out as a translator for Northern Armeia’s regional team, but the staff realized that she actually knew a lot about tactics and promoted her to assistant.

She managed Athletic Cora City Women after that, one of the least talented teams in the second division, but because of her tactical style, they were able to make the most of the talent that they did have and they fought tooth and nail against the larger teams, losing out on promotion on the final match in her last season with them.

At AFC Center City, she was the one who put enough faith in Raven Ljelt to give her a key role, and she brought out the best in the limited defense that the team had. She also convinced Karl Reach to bring in Sayo Matsuoka, the best striker on the team, in from abroad, and if it wasn’t for his executive meddling, Center City would be contending right now. Rakel wanted to make a large profit sending goalkeeper Ai Takagawa to Lionesses in exchange for money and young keeper Anke Vira, who spent most of her career as a backup, but Reach blocked the transfer, and Takagawa’s locker room problems eventually led to Rakel getting sacked by Reach. Her style isn’t for everybody, but it fits teams that have to compete against competition with more talent.

I don’t actually think she’ll get the job, though. I think Miranda Byquist will, and you’ll have to wait until the next article to see why she’ll fail.

[Gregoryisgodistan]

"Hello, and welcome to Lord Almighty Gregory National Stadium for today's World Cup Qualifying opener between Gregoryisgodistan and Filopines. We've got a great game for you, and Filopines was too incompetent to submit a roster so we will use highly insulting fake names. Let's get ready.

"8th minute, and Soldier 0EDCK13DHI passes to Prune Farmer 913881, who will send it into the box where Poopy Butt heads it over the bar for a corner. Guy Who Cleans Up Behind The Elephant at the Circus P0120AZNNAU will take the corner, he sends it into the box, and Dumb Boobyboob clears it partially. Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Death to San Jose Guayabal shoots it, and it's over the bar for a goal kick.

...

"18th minute, and here comes Ugly Forwardfart, he will pass it off to Dumb Dumb Dumb Till The Daddy Takes The Fart Bird Away, who shoots, cleared off the line by Enemy Crusher Fatty Footy, and History Teacher CZDE9745 clears it down to midfield. Gregoryisgodistan now trying to counter, as Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Death to San Jose Guayabal chases it down, he's running towards the goal, and now taps it to Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Xylocrap Notatypo, who shoots, IT'S IN THE NET! GREGORYISGODISTAN TAKES A 1-0 LEAD! WHAT A GOAL! And the fans are on their feet, singing "Smash the Xylocarps", the hit song from WorldVision which is Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Xylocrap Notatypo's theme song. And now Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Xylocrap Notatypo is celebrating by smashing a bunch of xylocarps, one of which is apparently sapient and tries to run away only to be smashed too. And now the fans are really going wild. This is awesome!

...

"28th minute, and it's a free kick for Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Xylocrap Notatypo just outside the box. He shoots, Goalie GogoDoll punches it over the net and it will be another corner. Guy Who Cleans Up Behind The Elephant at the Circus P0120AZNNAU to take it, it's into the box, Enemy Crusher Fatty Footy heads it towards goal, it's in - no, cleared off the line by the goalie and cleared out. I thought that crossed the line. So did Enemy Crusher Fatty Footy. He's crushing the referee, Jose Quarenta of San Jose Guayabal, and Quarenta is dead. And this is awesome. And now Enemy Crusher Fatty Footy is getting a yellow for dissent. And the fans are applauding that it's not a red. This is awesome! He didn't get red carded for that! And now the alternate official is coming.

...

"38th minute, here comes Farty Farty Gumdrop, he will pass to Farty Farty Buttbutt, Buttbutt shoots, saved by Prune Farmer 3818F. He will now get it up, and Gregoryisgodistan looks to counter. Oh, but Enemy Crusher Fatty Footy is hacked down by Evil Nono, and here comes the ref. Nono is red carded, and he's off. And now Enemy Crusher Fatty Footy is going to crush Nono, and Nono is dead. And now Enemy Crusher Fatty Footy is not going to get a red card because he is threatening to crush the remaining referees if they do. And now the fans are throwing poop and prune juice and gruel at Nono as he walks off the field.

...

"Halftime, and you know what that means. The Slaves R Us Leaders Race! Lord Almighty Gregory is out first, and Dumpy O'Rumpy is right behind him. Reino, Petrus, and Shoppy are picking up the rear. And now Shop Owner takes some Kentucky Fried Chicken and throws it at everybody so they're all down and it's just Gregory and Dumpy. And Dumpy O'Rumpy takes the lead hanging into the final turn! But Lord Almighty Gregory is throwing a steaming bucket of horse poop at Dumpy and he goes down! Lord Almighty Gregory will run across the finish line, and he will WIN! LORD ALMIGHTY GREGORY WINS AGAIN! WHAT A RACE! ALL HAIL LORD ALMIGHTY GREGORY! Back for the second half after this.

...

"58th minute, here comes Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Death to San Jose Guayabal, he's streaking down the field, and he's got a one on one with the goalie, he shoots, deflected, now he shoots again HE SCORES! 2-0 FOOT SLAVES! GREGORYISGODISTAN DOUBLES THEIR LEAD! THE FANS ARE GOING NUTS! And now they are burning flags of San Jose Guayabal and smashing more xylocarps on the field to celebrate the goal. What fun! And Enemy Crusher Fatty Footy is running into the stands and crushing the 13 fans of Filopines who were visiting. This is awesome!

...

"71st minute, and it's a penalty kick for Gregoryisgodistan as they look to make it 3-0. Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Death to San Jose Guayabal will take it, he shoots, and I thought that crossed the line before being punched away, but the refs say no. And now Loyal Friend of Lord Almighty Gregory Death to San Jose Guayabal shoots it over. Goal kick. And hold on.... The Gregoryisgodistani Secret Police are running onto the field and arresting the three remaining referees who haven't been crushed. They are being arrested for taking bribes to fix the match, bribes from the Guayabalense government, and they are going to be executed right here on the field right now. They are going to use the Brownie Cutter of Death due to association with an Enemy List nation. And here comes the Brownie Cutter of Death. The blood is gushing out. They are howling in pain. Their organs and bones are being slowly sliced through.

...

"And now, 45 minutes later, they are dead. And the alternate crew is just going to end this game at 2-0 because the Secret Police threatened to execute them too. Apparently the Guayabalense officials who were executed have been accused of taking bribes to make sure Gregoryisgodistan lost, and when that became impossible, they were told just to make sure they won by as little as possible. So now those Guayabalense heathens are dead. And this most certainly is true and not a lie, because Lord Almighty Gregory never lies. We most certainly did not make this up. Don't even suggest it. Good night!"

[Vilita]

This message brought to you by the Old Timer's Club, LLC

Simeone Di Bradini, Callum Banda and Alan Belmore walked into a bar...


...har, har, har - more like 'rolled', 'hobbled' or 'were present only by virtual representation'!

If you're already lost and the first line of the article made no sense to you, then you likely won't understand many of the simple things that we often take for granted here in the "Old Timers Club".

Simple things like, The World Cup will always be contested by 32 teams. "Why not 28? you ask". Because thats simply not how its done, no matter what those new kindred spirits from Esportiva tell you.

So theres no joke about three of the most famous footballers of their time (Their time was, well, a long time ago) walking into a bar. But lets for a minute say that they did happen to walk into a bar together, not to be the stars of a punchline, but just to hang out, pick up a newspaper or watch the television and see what was going on in the World Cup.

In doing so, they would be subjected to drivel like "The Ezekiel Show".

Now, lets be honest, the debate on changing the format of World Cup qualifying is nothing new. The idea of having regionally allocated qualifying spots, multi-phase qualification rounds or other new-fangled ideas to whittle a field of between 80-200 nations down to 30+2 has been kicked around since Hexatux roamed the earth. Heck, it was even tried... well... once.

So there really isn't anything drivel-worry about such speculation. What's really worrysome is that, in the time since Di Bradini, Banda and Belmore would be duking it out for the World Cup's golden boot title, somehow, 2+2 no longer equals 4; 32 teams are no longer a requirement for a World Cup... even if it had 32 teams participating - and somehow, rounding up means adding 2 to the base number, instead of 1.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a place called Esportiva. A friendly, sporting place created out of Rushmore's desire to join the old timer's club without having all those new young ideas mucking up their reputation, and out of Atlantian Oceania's desire to not have a Rushmore full of new, young talent so as to overthrow them at the head table of the old timers club.

And, now, apparently, a place where math goes to die.

Lets take a look at the numbers provided by Mr. Ezekiel in his face-palmingly astonishingly wrong attempt to carve up individual qualification buckets based on the performance of the 3 sporting regions in the previous 13 World Cup tournaments.

On the surface, this looks like a pretty simple proposition. Count out the number of nations from each of the big 3 sporting regions qualified for the World Cup each season. Then count out how many other nations made the World Cup. Take the average number of qualifiers from over that time period and, Voila! - A baseline has been set.

It really is a simple and straight forward idea, so long as you can count and divide and most importantly, check your work.

See thats one of the big differences between the olden days and this new-fangled modern era we are living in now adays. The age of instant gratification - where watching a video or reading an article is just too much work. Nobody cares how, or why data is being presented to them, they don't care what the source of the material is. They just want the bottom line, and they want to move on.

Well in this case, like so many cases this day in age, the bottom line is wrong. Euclid and Pythagoras would be turning over in their grave if they had caught wind of this particular episode of "The Ezekiel Show".

Lets review the important assumptions here, then compare them against Ezekiel's work.

- If one team from Region X qualifies for World Cup edition Y, and two teams from Region X qualifies for World Cup edition Z, then Region X has had a total of three teams (1 + 2) in the World Cup, an average of one-and-a-half (3 teams / 2 cups) per cup.

- There are 32 teams in every World Cup, regardless of their regional affiliation.


Now, Lets see what Esportivan math looks like:

Q: In World Cup 73, there were 11 teams competing from Atlantian Oceania, 9 from Rushmore and 4 from Esportiva. How many teams were competing from the rest of the world?

A: 11 + 9 + 4 + X = 32
X = 32-11-9-4 = 32-(20)-4 = (12)-4 = .... 4?

So as not to belabor the point, we'll add up all the numbers in the rows and columns as presented by Ezekiel using real mathematics in BLUE, and we'll add up all the numbers in the rows and columns as actually calculated by Ezekiel in RED, and compare the difference.

Things are a lot easier to add up if you do the math right. If you actually add up Atlantian Oceania's qualifying average across the 13 cups you see they average 11.69 nations per finals, not 10.46. Simply doing that bit right would have covered up most of Ezekials errors, as he could have just used the tried-and-true system of rounding to the nearest whole number to get his 32 Entrants, with 12 going to Atlantian Oceania, Rushmore remaining at 8; Esportiva having its 5 and All other regions having 7. In fact, at that point, even with 6 nations not being represented in the total count, the only way the overall numbers would have changed would be if over half of those nations had qualified as representatives of Rushmore.

So Yea, Math. At least, to those in the Old Timers club who still appreciate a little fact checking, a little reading, and a little old fashioned elbow grease every once in a while, it was no surprise by the time Mr. Ezekiel was ready to present his bottom line, and found that his numbers didn't quite add up.

As each region averaged a touch less than expected for their qualifiers, to ensure that number equalled 32, we added an extra qualifier to those regions where they had the highest decimal number. This was done in addition for correctly rounding the decimal places, giving the following number of qualifiers per region.

While the statement itself - Rounding down being the art of dropping a decimal, and rounding up the idea of adding 2 to a number - was so barbaric that brain cells across the multiverse were dying at unequalled rates; it only served as further proof of the mathematical errors Ezekiel made.

The alarming thing - the thing that the Triple B's of Di Bradini, Banda and Belmore would be most disturbed at - was the fact that despite the overwhelming evidence of the mistake, Ezekiel pressed on, instead of checking his work and doing a service to his television - sorry, old fart term... podcast audience - he just went ahead and made up some mumbo jumbo, misleading children and follows around the world to somehow believe that if you averaged 13 sets of numbers that all equaled 32, you somehow wouldn't get a number equal or near 32 as your outcome.

Sure, those members of the old timers club may prefer to maintain the status quo. They may prefer to stay conservative and "not muck with things too much". But, citizens of the multiverse, the Ezekiel Show is a perfect example of why.

We don't muck with mathematics. We leave them the way they are. Why? Because they work. They are true. If you execute them properly, they always give you the right number.

Some consider our views conservative or old timey, but multi-tiered qualifying, to the Casaran System and now to this, "Esportivan Math" - Its fun to think about, and interesting to read. Fads like these they come and go. But in the end, its just not right. Whats left is the basic structure we've always had. 1+1=2 and 32 teams are in the World Cup.

Sincerely,

Just another Old Timer who rambles on too long with opinions that are only valid in the Old Timers Club

---

[Polkopia]

Decoding the Polkopian Language

#2: The Nominative Case

I. Determination of the Noun Stem

The Polkopian language has hard-stem, as well as soft-stem nouns. These stems can be derived from the ending of the nominative singular version and changed depending on the gender of the noun.

Gender                         Hard Stem                     Soft Stem
Masculine:                     Any unaccented consonant      -č, -š, ž
Feminine:                      -o, -a                        -e, -i

II. Gender Exceptions

Although Polkopian nouns are relatively straightforward with their gender and endings, there are some exceptions on gender.

1. Nouns ending in -ma and -ta are masculine, despite the 'a' ending in both of these cases. This is because these words are derived from Greek and face an exception because of it.

idiomita: idiom
programa: program
pirata: pirate

2. Nouns denoting nationality and occupation are always masculine and never change depending on who they denote. Instead, the word ca is said before the noun if it denotes a female, but the noun is still masculine.

profese: professor
95Xinsič: 95Xer
Polkopinič: Polkopian

3. Nouns denoting male persons are masculine, regardless of their ending. These nouns are modified by masculine adjectives rather than feminine ones.

papa: father
uča: uncle

III. Adjectives in the Nominative Case

Gender                         Hard Stem                     Soft Stem
Masculine:                     -iy                           -oy
Feminine:                      -ya                           -ya

When a noun is feminine, the ending of the respective adjective always ends in the same -ya ending. Masculine adjectives, however, change depending on the noun's stem.

IV. Indeclinable Nouns

A noun of foreign origin ending in -o, -e, and a stressed -a are all indeclinable. Inanimate nouns in this category are feminine. Animate indeclinable nouns are usually masculine unless they indicate females.

kofe: coffee
menyu: menu
taksi: taxi
kino: cinema
metro: subway

V. Forms of Nominative Plural

Gender                         Hard Stem                     Soft Stem
Masculine:                     -i                            -i
Feminine:                      -e                            -e

aviata - aviate: bird(s)
*kore - kore: dog(s)
pirata - pirati: pirate(s)

*Feminine nouns ending in 'e' are kept the same, however modifiers are always changed to the plural feminine version.

VI. Plural Adjectives

Gender
Masculine:                     -liy
Feminine:                      -le

Dve rabokle kore: Two red dogs
Posh novliy žomi - Five new houses

[Chiata]

"Welcome, one and all, to Gulf Stadium, in the city of Villitova. I'm Jason Larkon, here for play by play."

"I'm Samuel DeSang, here for color commentary. Child friendly stations can be found elsewhere."

"Don't worry, he's joking."

"Mostly."

"Aaaaaaanyway... we are here to watch the opening match for the Chiatan National Team in World. Cup. 74. Qualifying! Matchday One is about to begin and Chiata has the fortune..."

"... or misfortune..."

"... of playing defending World Cup champion: Eura."

"We're going to get clobbered."

"Nice to see you have a positive outlook. The weather is fair and there's about a football match's worth of sunlight remaining. Chiata is in their home colors, traditional dark blue. It's worth to mention, they are sporting new kits to celebrate Chiata's tenth cycle in WCC play. Eura, on the other hand, is in their red home colors, due to their blue away colors."

"See, the World Cup champs already think they can wear home colors whenever they want."

"They are both wearing home colors to differentiate their uniforms, not because one side is more entitled."

"Pish posh, the Suns have a nice yellow color while the Euran away uniform has a tan color. Those young players have good eyes, they can see the difference."

"Before this turns into a 'back in my day' speech... to the match!"

--- 0 ---

(Larkon) "Eura gets the opening kickoff."

"Entitled World Cup champs."

"...Striker Campbell taps the ball back to Spartan and we are underway in Villitova. Even though there is little chance of victory, Gulf Stadium is still full and loud."

"Ready for an upset."

"Unlikely. Curtis gets a nice introduction to international football as he gets tripped up by Sinclair's dribbling."

"I believe that would be called 'breaking ankles,' though Curtis more or less fell on his tosh."

"Sutton finds some space and gets the long ball. Can't handle it as Menke hurdles in to collect the ball and give Chiata its first possession."

"As easy as cashing a check."

"That can be quite difficult for many. Stewart brings the ball past midfield. Hughes juts in to challenge, so Stewart passes off to Goldstein. Goldstein is penned off by two Eurans and feels the pressure. He tried to poke past but Watson was there to take the ball away."

"More akin to a round up. Goldstein was the unlucky horse cornered in the pen. This is going to be route I tell you, route!"

--- 27 ---

(Larkon) "Eastep ends an already shaky attack by Sutton. Chiata has done rather well, don't you think? Despite your ever present criticism."

"I'm surprised it's still 0-0, but that's a draw. In my book, you need to be in the lead in order to do well."

"Very well."

"No, we're not doing well at all."

"I believe you misunderstood my phrase. Look at this Sutton, got the ball back quickly and has an open route to the goal. Truex sees the danger and charges forward, there could be a score here."

"I'm going to close my eyes."

"Webb comes in with a burst of speed to pressure Sutton. The attacking midfielder sees the challenge and easily dribbles by with a quick cut that sent Webb out of the way on his own momentum. It's just enough! Truex bursts and snatches the ball away before a shot could be taken. Good defending."

"Through my eyelids, I could tell it was good defending, too."

"Yeah, sure."

---45---

(Larkon) "Here we have Chiata kicking off. Still no score with a 0-0 scoreline after forty-five minutes."

"Good Chiatan defense. Much better than that despicable match against Kernansquillec. Seven goals? Not in my day! I like this defense. I like it a lot. It's like that iron curtain in Carialus, whom we will beat by the way."

"Though I like your patriotism, this is sports. And perhaps you spoke too soon! Campbell snatches the ball away and charges into the box! Truex charges forward as Campbell winds up for a shot. Perez charges in with a hard tackle that hits Campbell squarely in the legs, surely a penalty. Campbell manages to stay upright and get a shot off. Truex is not ready, since he though play would be stopped after the penalty... AND IT HITS HIM IN THE FACE. No goal, but whistles are blowing now."

"That's Chiatan defense there! We defend goals with are FACES! Yeeeeaauuuuhhh!"

"As my partner calms down, Eura still has penalty kick to take. Truex looks a little dazed from the strike, but he will carry on."

"Good display of toughness here. Campbell gets the shot off after being chopped in the legs and Truex stays in with a slightly bloodied noes."

"Campbell takes the PK. He charges forward... Truex guessed the wrong direction! Goal Eura! 1-0."

"Sooner or later it would happen."

---88---
(Larkon) I'm afraid this is the final scoreline. Chiata did much better than expected. The defense held firm and only allowed a single goal. Alas, in only takes a goal better than your opponent to win. This was a good test for Chiata. It shows the Suns can play with the best in the world and..."

"Still lose. A loss is loss. Good night my disappointed friends."

"Sigh... goodnight folks."

[HUElavia]

HUElavia looking to pull upsets in World Cup Qualifiers

HUElavia is entering their first ever World Cup Qualifying Tournament after having a disastrous Baptism of Fire tournament, looking to take up a few surprises in their matches. HUElavia is in Group 1 ranked 298 in the world- or at least tied for 298- and is the worst ranked team in the group. HUElavia is hopeful they will not lose several matches and try to get as much points and wins as possible in order to make a name for themselves. A fan was interviewed the other day outside Estadio Nacional, asked what was their opinion of HUElavia's game, replying "I love my country and I have faith in my team. We did well with our previous friendly tournament, the Unity Cup, and I trust our players to do the best they can. No matter what result they get, we'll always be behind them." President Rafael Lima Reus sent a message to the team on television the two days prior to the opening match versus Aestate, saying "HUElavia is behind you guys, make us proud. Make a name not only to our country, but to yourselves. May God favor you." With this message, two days later HUElavia pulled an upset against Aestate, winning 2-1 in a full crowd at Estadio Nacional. How well will HUElavia do in the Qualifiers? Who knows, but either way, HUElavia is ready to make a name for themselves.

Score: HUElavia 2-1 Aestate
Venue: Estadio Nacional, Curumba

[Oontaz Dert Li Ng]

CRESCENT NEWS NETWORK
SPORTS CHANNEL - OFFICIAL WEBSITE
ABANHFLEFT • PRIDNESTROVIA • OONTAZ DERT LI NG • COPPER CUPRUM • TRENDSTART • FHULGHAMOUS PENINSULA

WORLD CUP 74 QUALIFIERS: BORING PARADISE VS OONTAZ DERT LI NG
By Abdulmecid Macasaysayan


Oontaz Dert Li Ng's Haider Zulfikar celebrates after scoring the equalizing goal for the Lions of Sand and Sea. The game ended as a 2-2 draw between the two sides. (Courtesy of Crescent News Network Sports Channel/Oliver Hassanal)

BORING PARADISE - Oontaz Dert Li Ng battled back from two goals down at the halfway mark to earn a point away from home against Boring Paradise.

The visitors, fresh from training camp alongside the Abanhfleft and Pridnestrovia national teams, pounced early on and nearly grabbed an unlikely first goal when Dominador Macaspac fired his shot high over the bar.

But after this early spell of brilliance, Oontaz Dert Li Ng lost their luster, and Boring Paradise took quick advantage and nabbed the opener with a side-footed volley from Shooby Armours.

Boring Paradise doubled their advantage just five minutes from half-time with Kevin Harris scoring a delightful shot with the outside of his foot from Robbie Webber's free kick.

Oontaz rallied at the start of the second half, but Boring Paradise was able to contain them, yet even so Magodemun Mangudadatu's 26-yard free kick troubled home keeper Osama Homewood just enough for him to push the ball away from the post, where it was about to sneak in.

Boring Paradise were relentless on the visitors 131 places below them in the rankings, and their pressure almost resulted in another goal for captain Samuel Wong, who would end up ruing his shot that climbed into the stratosphere.

Oontaz claimed a foothold back into the game when Macaspac found himself one-on-one against the keeper, and all the 35-year-old Santos striker needed was for the keeper to decide which way to dive, and once past Homewood, Macaspac rifled into an empty net to start the Oontaznik comeback.

Armours had another chance to redouble Boring Paradise's lead, but even as he shot past Septimio Barranquillano and struck the back of the net, the linesman signaled for offside, and the referee upheld the decision, even as replays later revealed that Armours was level with the last Oontaz defender.

It wasn't the last time that the referee will earn the ire of the home crowd.

Boring Paradise had a penalty appeal waved off even as Joey Boy Macalacan made a two=footed tackle on Wong just inside the box, but as the Boring Paradise midfielder was moving out of the box, the referee appeared to not have seen the penalty claim as valid.

These missed chances would come back to haunt Boring Paradise after Haider Zulfikar scored the equalizer from a tight angle which saw the ball bounce into the net off the post.

Five frantic minutes of extra time resulted in a sustained period of Paradisian pressure and Paradisian players peppering the box with goals and shots, but the Oontazniks held on for the draw and the point.

Oontaz Dert Li Ng will face the highest-ranked team in their group, the Unified Sunrise Islands, at home in the Estadio de la Luz in Manitogoro.

BORING PARADISE 2 - 2 OONTAZ DERT LI NG
  ARMOURS (26')       MACASPAC (67')
   HARRIS (40')       ZULFIKAR (81')

OONTAZ DERT LI NG
GK: 01 Barranquillano
RB: 02 McCreery
RCB: 03 Macaraig
LCB: 49 Campanilla
LB: 80 Dimaculangan
DM: 05 San Marcelino
CM: 06 Macalacan █ (Abu Nayef - 75')
RM: 77 Zulfikar
CAM: 10 Mangudadatu (Cornillac - 60')
LM: 75 Zulfiqli
ST: 09 Macaspac (Estevez - 75')

BORING PARADISE
GK: 01 Homewood
RB: 02 Hall
RCB: 03 Jones (Browning - 70')
LCB: 04 Alklani
LB: 05 Johnston
CM: 06 Webber (Adams - 84')
RM: 07 Wong
LM: 08 Patterson (Bailey - 63')
AM: 09 Harris
RS: 10 Armours
LS: 11 Williams

MATCH STATISTICS
Possession
Boring Paradise: 64%
Oontaz Dert Li Ng: 36%
Shots
Boring Paradise: 12 (6 on target)
Oontaz Dert Li Ng: 5 (3 on target)
Corners
Boring Paradise: 7
Oontaz Dert Li Ng: 2
Fouls
Boring Paradise: 2
Oontaz Dert Li Ng: 9

[Zenic]

“Nice win, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah it was. Got us into first place in the group on goal differential,” Luke Killian replied to Victor Paredes. The Survivors had defeated Nuevo Caracas 6-3 with a hat-trick from Seok Kun-woo, on from Sroel Cavan, a header for Xavier Marshall and one for Gavin Barnsley.

The two were riding in a cab together on the way to the airport to head over to Farfadillis for the second match-day. The game against the 11th best nation in the multiverse was an interesting one: it wasn’t necessarily a must win but it was the most important match of the first half of qualifiers. A victory would most likely see The Survivors finish at the top of Group 8 by the halfway point while a draw or loss would probably see them in second place. “Better do some meditation as I doubt we’ll be seeing less than 6 goals. Definitely see Ayaode getting his 100th goal in this match.”

Victor chuckled. “Is that a bet? Because I’d be willing to put 300 Sen on the under for that, plus an extra 100 if Ayaode scores the winner on the under.” Killian stuck out his hand which Victor shook with a firm grip. “Easy money for me. I’ll take that bet,” Killian said, gloating as if he had already won. The two laughed lightly, remind of the old days when they would make little bets on how much they would win by. They slowly approached the airport when Victor remembered something. “Luke. We have to turn back now.”

“Whoa. What’s wrong?” Victor slowly turned his head towards Luke with a look of absolute fear on his face. “I left the stove on.” Luke groaned before punching Victor in the arm as hard as he could. “You’re a goddamn douchebag, man. I legitimately thought there was an issue of life or death you forgot about. I should beat the shit out of you.” Victor laughed, getting out of the car once they had arrived at the airport. They grabbed their luggage and went on their way, chatting and joking.

The two of them, and the squad, were going to enjoy the fun times as long as they lasted.

[Vers-Gelderland]

---

ARROWHEAD POINT, New Gelderland - A consortium of businesses wants to reinvigorate the economy of Arrowhead Point - and New Gelderland in general - by building two large casinos in an undeveloped area near the town's airport, where only trees and scrub stand today. However, their efforts have recently hit a roadblock across New Gelderland as voters must approve the project under New Gelderlish law, and opposition is fierce. In response, the company, Arrowhead Point Casino LLC, has mounted a massive TV ad campaign across the country, while opponents have vowed to fight until they die against the casinos coming to New Gelderland.

The idea for a casino started in the office of Bucky J. Reynolds, an Arrowhead Point businessman and entrepreneur. He sat down recently with the Nassau Bay Herald to discuss the history of the casino. "I spotted an excellent opportunity near Arrowhead Point for a casino," he explains in his Centralis-laced accent, bearing a mark of where he went to school. "Our city has many advantages going for it: we have a reasonably sized airport, we are connected to Electrum and Eura via train, and we have an excellent sunrise and sunset as well as a nice climate. What more could we do to attract tourists?" Reynolds, after arriving back in the city from a business trip in Ceni, noticed a big parcel of land with a beautiful view that was undeveloped. "At first, I thought it would be a good spot for a cafe: overlooking the ocean on a cliff, nice view, and fairly near the airport so luminaries on their way home could stop and have a bite to eat. And then it hit me: why not go bigger? They always told me to go big or go home, and decided to go big: why not build a casino? Or even two?" He then started to shop around some businesses, including some Euran, Cenian, Gelderlish, and Electrumite companies, to outsource the con

struction and design. The consortium of businesses, led by Reynolds, contracted Sky High Architecture to design the two casinos, to be named Gravity and Revolution. "Sky High produced two fabulous designs, I mean fabulous designs, that incorporated the design of the ocean and the waves on the casinos. And they included the cafes that originally started the idea, overlooking the sea." The consortium is currently in talks with Orion International to build a luxury hotel on the site, and if the two casinos here are successful, Reynolds hopes to build more. "I see a big future for our cozy little area of Arrowhead Point." Reynolds predicts big business for the consortium in Arrowhead Point. "We can draw loads of Euran tourists, coming from a country where there is little availability of legal gambling, and we can out-compete the casinos from Electrum, thus attracting more Cenian and Electrumite tourists. I think that these casinos have a good potential to draw tourists from all over the rest of Terranea, and even Rushmore, as well, if not to see the casinos, but to see the rest of the sights as well. But I think the casinos will be awesome too."

Proponents of the measure believe that the proposed new casinos will bring badly needed jobs and money into a sluggish local, and Gelderlish, economy as a whole and will bring tourists to the region. Many point to the success that casino cities have had in other countries in bringing in money for state and industry coffers that can only help the region as a whole. Economist Devon Bradley supports the measure. "When you bring in a casino to a city, it starts to generate revenue. That revenue brings tourists, and they will want to do more than gamble with their time. That brings in a host of all kinds of businesses, from hotels to shops to shows and theatres, creating even more jobs than the casinos do. I believe that the casinos can be a good thing for the city of Arrowhead Point for precisely this reason: money, money." Opponents, however, have several lines of argument to counter the money argument. "Money is not the only consideration for our country," argued Sarah Cooper, an activist who opposes the introduction of casino gambling. "First we have people who are addicted to gambling and gamble their entire lives away. Casinos here will only increase that behavior. Also, some of those 'other businesses' that Mr. Bradley mentions include sex slaves and prostitutes, something we don't want to have in this country. Finally, a lot of the jobs created really aren't jobs at all; they are low-paying, and many must take second or even third jobs to make ends meet. So casino gambling simply cannot work in New Gelderland."

The law currently stands in favor of the protesters: current Gelderlish law outlaws casino gambling throughout the entire country. Unfazed with that, Reynolds and his group successfully gathered the 250,000 signatures necessary to put the measure on a nationwide ballot when the elections come later this month. The question, which reads "Should New Gelderland allow casino gambling, with limitations, in Arrowhead Point?" is proving to be very divisive in New Gelderland in what should prove to be a close race on election day. The Labour Party, which is currently in the lead in the polls and led by Prime Minister Savanna Brent, has come out against the measure, for some of the reasons cited by Ms. Cooper, while the New Gelderland Dawn party and the Conservatives have echoed their support for the measure. Ultimately, though, supporters of both sides have made this debate come front and center in the upcoming elections, and it looks like both sides are nearly tied - 49% against, 47% in favor, although that is well within the latest polls' margin of error. The pro forces hope to change the status quo in their favor, however, as they have mounted a large television advertisement campaign to persuade voters to vote for their proposal, invoking the economy and the promise of more jobs for the country. New Gelderland will only have to wait and see until Election Day whether the campaign is having any effect, though, and whether it has succeeded in persuading voters to change their minds.

Bucky Reynolds is confident of victory. "I'm sure that we will win come March. Our proposal makes a lot of economic sense, both for us as the developers and owners, and for the people of New Gelderland. The state will earn more tax revenue, and the people will have jobs and livelihoods to support their families, especially in New Gelderland's position today." Sarah Cooper and her team of activists are equally confident of victory. "These fat cat developers want to exploit the people of New Gelderland so they can line their own fat pockets. Casinos in New Gelderland are a bad idea, both socially and economically. Casinos are a moral disaster and an economic disaster."

[Carialus]

Carialus Clairon
Exciting Matchday One

To start off World Cup 74 Qualifying, Carialus had the most exciting duty of all. The famous matchday one BYE. Of course, it is absolutely useless and is really just a delay to the start of qualifying. Someone has to have it, and the short straw was drawn by Carialus. With nothing to do, we at the Clairon are left to twiddle our thumbs and report other news.

As you know, Carialus was drawn in Group 9. Plastered across every headline since the drawing was not about being drawn with World Cup 73 Champions Eura, but with being drawn with Chiata. Chiata and Carialus have never played against each other in WCC competition. This is what makes the chance for Carialus to finally prove their superiority so gravitating. Look at the facts. Chiata made a miracle run World Cup 69. Since then, they have failed to qualify for four strait qualifying and have slowly slid down the rankings. On the other hand, Carialus has consistently risen in the rankings and have been getting the second place position for three cycles now, every time defeating the second seed in the group. It is only facts. The Carialus Comrades will beat out the Chiata Suns to the playoff spot. Whether Carialus can get past the playoffs is a different question sadly.

[Flardania]

---

Bonjour et Ohayōgozaimasu Kirishima. Welcome to another edition of the Kitsune Report. As you may or may not know we are now partnered with the Nagatomo Sports Network (NSN) and unlike other programs we don't focus on sports or even sakka. Here at the Kitsune Report it's all about our cherished national team. To those that are new The Kitsune Report is able to report the buzz about the team in a more laid back and casual coverage. So with out any further delay it's time to get grooving for some cup football!

So we all remember how emotional the nation got when we surpassed all the odds to reach the world cup last cycle right? I mean various ads were being played left and right showcasing the development and growth of the national team. The Kitsunes defied the odds and made it to the World Cup proper before scoring a 1-1 draw with Valanora sending Kirishinans to the moon. I mean all we had to do to have a real chance, was at least defeat Electrum right? The closest team that was rank near us and after all we been through certainly this was our best opportunity right? Never mind that the first match we ever had against them was a 1-3 loss at the historic Illias Garden in Kairaku,or how about the 4-1 loss in Electrum, face it there was no reason to be optimistic then. All it left was an all too familiar and painful scene for supporters.

We as a nation forgot the values and work ethic that led to our quick premature rise coming off a 1-3 Friendly Record to a 4th finish in BOF 58 and then 3 World Cup later be sitting at a beautiful top 50 position. Kirishima is a nation of hard work, Lake Shorian values, Sexual Freedom, Anime, and most of Patience. Patience lead to low expectations and it was why we were able to rise so fast. It was simpler times and the team along with it supporters were able to have fun. We got humiliated by San Jose Guayabal in one off our first friendlies and we cheered, we smiled, and later returned for a rematch like the masochist we are. When the world looked at us with shock, we told the world to deal with it and that we would have fun as that's the rules we play by. We have plenty of time to grow desperate and panic but now is not the time. This is still the generation of miracles where excluding 5 players the oldest players are 21. We have time at this rate to make a silverware dream possible some day...all it will take is some patience XD.

Associated Godlands 2–1 Flardania Review:
Now that we are hopefully humbled and back to our normal selves, we can work on getting better. The Kitsunes traveled to the Associated Godlands in which the environment was hostile as expected. The Kirishinan government has a category N.Korea travel warning which was in effect and not much supporters were willing to take the trip. As expected also Fujisaka Ayame was heckled for his androgynous/feminine looks which had him and his Akihabara teammates [Yabuta,Nguyen]visibly upset. This is why Papadopoulos is the captain of this team. He is not in his 19-20's like many of his talented teammates such as Yabuta, Nguyen, Fujisaka, Hojo, Matsuoka(With her own Armeian issues), Miyamoto, Nayasaki, Izumi and so on. Papadopoulos has the experience and emotional fortitude to keep the team together during difficult times.

Initially the anger helped as Yabuta scored a goal for the Kitsunes in the 21st minute but sports played with anger has it's limits as A.G.L came back with two goals. The radical Christians were festive as they preformed their Nazi like (not Nazi, I said Nazi like) salute. Manager Hikaru Kyosuke had some words after the game.
"Tonight was a humbling experience for this young team and in this group I believe Associated Godlands is next behind us in Rank for this group so it was going to be competitive. I can't say I'm really a fan of this environment but these fans have their quirks and it help them win games. Too bad they will not see any apocalypse in Kirishima due to the Goddess Ilias on our side and basic science. All we gotta do now is play this cup the way this team usually does as we seek to gain experience. There is no plan to stay here longer then we have to and we seek to try and win our home opener in Heiwa. WC qualifiers is a marathon not a sprint and we have time to recover."

Flardania(Kirishima) v Vettrera Preview:
Just to be clear I don't believe in predictions, I feel it inflates egos when you are right and disappoint people when you are wrong. Instead I have what needs to be done. Vettrera is coming off of a 5-1 win at home against Nordeana had has the momentum advantage. Luckily while the Kitsune pride is injured a patient attitude,higher rank and experience as well as playing home works in our favor. All the Kitsunes need to do is play Kirishinan football, enjoy being home and remember that World Cup Qualifiers are a marathon not a sprint. Lets Go Kitsunes!

Post by: Keita Woo

[Ethane]

By Alex Dugart

The Ethane team win 1-0 against a dangerous Kynystan side in a game that will not have much bearing on the final qualification standings.

The team came into this game knowing they had to secure a win against the lowest ranked team in the qualification group, with the knowledge that this would be their easiest game of the World Cup cycle. Faced with the knowledge that if they did not win this, then they would have no chance of succeeding in this cycle, a feat that still seems a mere dream to the football team in respect to the teams that Ethane will be meeting later in the qualification stage, the team made sure that they were at the top of their fitness coming into their first match. Passionate in the way they played, desiring for something out of the ordinary to happen, the team fought throughout the match for the goal that came in the 75th minute- a goal which sent the travelling Ethanian fans wild.

Going into the game, the team knew that it was going to be tough, and that they would have to fight for the win against a team that was not far off a similar rating to their own in the national standings. With the Kynystan team kicking off to begin though, the Ethane national team were forced to defend against a heavy barrage from the opposition, who knew that to win, they had to score early, against an extremely defensive and possessive Ethanian team. Taking 5 shots on goal within the first 5 minutes- a shot a minute- they came close to scoring many times, hitting the post and crossbar twice. 2 remarkable saves by Brody Church saw goals for Kynystan denied in the first few minutes of the game, in an intense period which stretched the Ethanian defence to the limit.

Settling into the game, the Ethanians found their rhythm, after being shocked by the fast onslaught at the start of the game, and began to slowly claw back territory and possession in the game- a much needed factor that would be needed in order to secure a win. The ethos of the Ethane National Team was to defend, and play a possessive style of play, slowly building up attacks, which occasionally employing the use of the manager's rapid counter strategy, a type of play which was used at last resort- countering using pace down the wings, and whipping balls into the box whenever possible from the wings for Boivin to hit into the net. Mentally battered by that first attack from the Kynystan team, the Ethanian team had to rebuild their confidence, which they managed to do through an attack on the Kynystan goal towards the middle of the first half. Unable to break the goalkeeper though, who was in remarkable form, the Ethanians once again had to concede possession to the Kynystan's, after knocking a powerful shot by Boivin just wide, missing a crucial opportunity to score.

Buoyed by their recent attack though, the Ethanian's were unable to stave off another devastating Kynystan attack with much more effect towards the end of the second half, cutting them off from goal with a successful block 30 yards out by Tyler Appleby, before another attack which saw a wonderful slide tackle by Darien Fear send the ball flying out of the attackers feet, and send the attacker flying to the ground- a controversial moment which some have said should have been declared a penalty, but was waved off by the referee, who disagreed with the appealing players.

After an unremarkable rest of the first half, the Ethane team were confident that they could do what they needed to do in the second half, even though the Kynystan team had more of an attacking fervour throughout the half than the away team. Coming on into the second half, both teams knew what they had to do to gain the vital points from this match for their qualification campaign. Fuelled by a desire to win, the Kynystan team once again launched a strong offensive on the unprepared Ethanian defence, which seemed to crumble under the surprise attack- something that had to be addressed through the substitution of Jonah Park onto the pitch to replace the ineffective, and young, Cameron Snyders.

However, with the knowledge that this game was one that Ethane needed to secure to have the slightest chance of doing well in their world cup qualifying, the team struck back and hard going into the final quarter of the match. Pushing for the much needed goal to win the three points in the group, the team launched multiple assaults on the Kynystan defence, which seemed to hold out well for the most part, a team that seemed to be intent on just 1 point by the 70th minute- or to snatch a goal right at the end. However, in the 75th minute, following a break from the 22 year old Kenith Durand- playing on the right midfield position- which saw him get into a good crossing position, Boivin managed to head in the solitary goal of the match off a marvellous cross that seemed to be guided to the exact position it needed to be in.

Retreating after this goal, trying to hold onto their lead, the Ethanian team were rattled at many points in the remaining 15 minutes + extra time of the game, but the Kynystan team were unable to break down the strong defence that was fighting to hold onto a valuable 3 points in the qualification stages- a stage that Ethane was unlikely to progress out of with a win in this game or not.

Even with this remarkable win from a team that is on a similar standing to the Ethanian team in terms of skill, it is unlikely to put the team in any greater a position to progress. With Kynystan being the lowest ranked team in the group, this looked to be Ethane's easiest game, and a narrow 1-0 win does not leave much in the way of hope for when the team faces the more challenging teams. With games against Saintland, Banguela and Greater Watford still to come in the qualification stages, and another round of games to face off the teams in, all of which are much higher ranked in terms of skill in comparison to the Ethanian team, it remains to be seen what Ethane can do. The most likely indicator of how far the team will progress in this world cup will likely come on the third matchday, when Ethane faced off to the Greater Watford Team, ranked 67th to Ethane's 215. Whatever happens in this game will likely show the position that Ethane will finish in this qualification stages.

[San Jose Guayabal]

World Cup 74 - San José Guayabal & Valladares
Matchday N°2 Cutoff

You used to rule but you failed hard? you can overcome the situation and recover your glory, let's start with it!

Scores!

[46566]

Grand Duchy loses by 2
San Jose Guayabal- The Grand Duchy National team lost 2-0 to the Valanora national team. While losing the match keeping it under a 3 goal limit has been a huge victory as the opponents are a whopping 239 positions above the 46566 team. The Grand Duchy has the next match day to rest and prepare for the Kirisaki national team.

Group 16 Match day 2
Jeckland 2–4 Arioslavia
Chromatika 0–1 Kirisaki
Valanora 2–0 46566

Current standings after match day 2

  Group 16                            Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Kirisaki                              2    2   0   0     6    0   +6     6
2 Stvoto Latoli                         1    1   0   0     3    0   +3     3
3 Valanora                              1    1   0   0     2    0   +2     3
4 Arioslavia                            2    1   0   1     4    5   −1     3
5 Chromatika                            2    0   1   1     0    1   −1     1
6 46566                                 2    0   1   1     0    2   −2     1
7 Jeckland                              2    0   0   2     2    9   −7     0

[Associated Godlands]

GodHatesYou.God
The official blog Shirley Phelps-Roper

We played Union of American Democrats III today. For those unaware of Union of American Democrats III and its heathen ways, don't worry, you aren't alone. But while I still struggle to find the nation on a map, it can be inferred that, due to the world "Union", the nation is full of heathens as it implies that a nation can be united under anything but the church. The word "of" clearly points to nation being full of heathens, as only heathen nations use such a godawful word. They are American. I don't quite know what that it is, but I can tell you that Americans are ultra-liberal, perverse heathens, and that God hates them. But the real smoking gun on the heathen ways of Union of American Democrats III is the word "Democrats". Democrats are fallacious, godless, Satan-worshiping heretic-heathens who probably support same-sex marriage. Not good. For the "the third" part, I'm a bit confused. Is this nation the son of Union of American Democrats II? I don't know, but the naming sounds like something heathens would do. Even I have the creativity to give different names to all of my children, and I have a lot of children.

So, after it had been concluded that Union of American Democrats III is a heathen nation, the teams took to the pitch, and, of course, God's will was fulfilled. The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ scored two goals and we won, 2-0. A very predictable outcome.

Changing the subject, I have been very upset with the existence of "mommy blogs". I have found out that several government officials (the only people with internet access) have started blogs on how to parent. I've had them all executed, but I feel now that if people really need parenting advice, they should ask me! After all, I have had 45 children, give or take. Here are some tips from the Queen herself:

- Make sure to procreate as much as humanly possibly if you are me.

- Make sure to teach children from a young age not to practice homosexuality, adultery, lying about virginity, prostitution, being raped, bestiality, incest, polygamy, drinking blood, eating anything that mixes dairy and meat, sacrificing anything with yeast and honey, eating fat, eating pork, waiting too long before consuming sacrifices, eating bread with yeast during the Feast of Unleavened Bread, eating aquatic creatures that lack fins or scales, eating meat not killed in the Kosher way, eating peace offerings while being ritually unclean, not being circumcised, trying to convert people to a religion besides Christianity, worshiping idols, practicing magic, blasphemy, breaking the Sabbath, consulting a psychic, being a psychic, going near the tabernacle while it is being moved if you are not a priest, being a false prophet, working on the Sabbath, going to temple while unclean, sacrificing animals while not at a temple, manufacturing anointing oil, planting more than one kind of seed in a field, wearing clothing woven of more than one kind of cloth, cutting your hair, touching a dead pig, dressing as the other sex, being a disobedient slave, or speaking in church if you are a woman.*

- If your child does one of the above things, carry out a beating/execution as necessary.

- Read the bible with them at least five hours daily.

- Make sure they take every word I say to be canon.

- This should go without saying, but always remember to teach them that Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Mormons, Scientologists, Pagans, Athiests, Satanists, immigrants, and all those things are subhuman.

There it is. All the parenting advice you'll ever need.

*OOC: Direct copy-paste from roster

[Polkopia]

Decoding the Polkopian Language

#3: The Accusative Case

I. Usage of the Accusative Case

The Accusative Case in Polkopian is used when addressing a direct object, or when using numbers to measure age, weight, price, etc. The accusative case is always used when certain prepositions are present and refer to an indirect object.

ot: to
il: from
zop: near
uč: towards
nižna: under
ni: in
no: on

Note that these are just some of the prepositions that generate the Accusative case. Many more are included, but for the sake of simplicity, this program omits the lesser-used prepositions.

Gender                         Hard Stem                     Soft Stem
Masculine:                     -                             -
Feminine:                      -u                            -u

Nouns in the Accusative Case only change when the Nominative form of the word end in a, o, or e, and the ending vowel is dropped and replaced with a u instead. Nouns in the masculine form do not change unless the word ends in a vowel, in which case, the ending vowel is replaced with a u.

II. When to use Accusative

The Accusative Case is used in the following cases:

1. When a known object is named.
- Ya ne vram kitu machinu.
I do not want this car.

2. After certain verbs expressing perception, thinking, and expectation.

vedat: to see
žat: to think
teptat: to wait for
čilat: to read
instavat: to notice
gartat: to know
slačat: to hear
moguvat: to feel


III. Adjectives in the Accusative Case

Gender                         Hard Stem                     Soft Stem
Masculine:                     -                            -
Feminine:                      -u                            -uyu

Similar to that of Accusative nouns, adjectives only change when describing a feminine noun in the Nominative form.

IV. When not to use Accusative

One of the more difficult aspects of Polkopian is the line between where the Accusative Case and Genitive Case split off. Polkopian as a language has gone through several tweaks where grammar was changed in order to more easily distinguish between the two cases, but even today that line can be a bit blurred. However, many scholars of Polkpoian can agree on when to definitely not use the Accusative Case, and when to use Genitive instead.

1. When addressing an abstract or nonspecific object.
- Ya vram banghimi.
I want money.

2. When Accusative prepositions are used to refer to an animate object.
- Ya pomergam uč yoč.
I am going towards you.

3. Negation
- Ya ne bam koreč.
I do not have a dog



V. Forms of Accusative Plural

Gender                         Hard Stem                     Soft Stem
Masculine:                     -i                            -i
Feminine:                      -ov                           -ev

fantom - fantomi ghost(s)
aviata - aviatov: bird(s)
kore - korev: dog(s)


VI. Plural Adjectives

Gender
Masculine:                     -liy
Feminine:                      -le

Ya vedam dve rabokle korev: I see two red dogs
Ya slačam mici aviatov - I hear the little birds.

[Schottia]

The next part in the long running series documenting the ups and downs in the life of Schottic midfielder Gary Corsie. This story has been ongoing since World Cup 69, and I hopefully plan to bring it to a head during this cycle.

The Cracks

Part One

'Honestly Lucy, he has been unbelievable the last couple of weeks.' Said Chloe Rudden as she parked her car outside her Kensy home. It was a chilly Autumn day and the prospect of the short walk from her car to the back door was not an enticing one. She turned the wipers off and watched the small drops of rain gather on her windscreen; it pretty much summed up her mood. Switching her phone from the speaker setting, she put it to her ear and got out of the car. 'I'm starting to wish the injury had been to his bloody larynx, at least that way I'd get a bit of piece and quiet.' She rounded the corner of the building and noticed Gary Corsie's bike was still chained up to the rain pipe, that meant he would be in. 'What? Injury? Yeah a bruised toe.' Chloe answered and you could almost hear her looking to the sky despairingly in the tone of her voice. 'You'd think it was his cruciate ligament the way he's carrying on though. He was told to rest it for a day, and now this is Thursday, the club aren't going to put up with him.' She reached the back door, and retrieved the keys from her pocket. 'Yeah, I think you're right. I think it maybe is depression, I've been trying so hard to get him to go see someone about it, but he just keeps finding reasons not to. To be honest with you though, I think he needs to give up football, or at least take a sabbatical, for my sanity if not his.' Chloe laughed weakly. 'Anyway Luc, it was good talking to you, we'll have to catch up next time we are playing in Maximum, or maybe when you guys are playing here. Aye, take care of your self, good luck in the game on Saturday.'

Chloe Rudden and Lucy Curren had never exactly been best of friends growing up. However, as two young girls playing football at the same level, it was inevitable that their paths had crossed. They had first met playing for the Schottia U-15s at the World Cup in Mastielle; it was incredible to think that that was almost seven years ago now. When Chloe and Lucy had both transferred to Nepharim clubs at roughly the same time the two of them had started keeping in touch, perhaps to remind themselves of home comforts.

Chloe turned her key in the back door but it was stuck fast. 'Fuck!' She cursed. Gary had left his keys in the back door yet again. 'GARY!' She knocked heavily on it, waiting for a few minutes, but there was no movement from inside. He must have been listening to music with his headphones on again; Chloe had a theory that he did it just to avoid talking to her. She rubbed the tops of her arms against the cold while she waited, but in the end she was forced to go round to the front and use the other entrance.

'GARY!' Maybe he wasn't in. 'GARY ARE YOU UP STAIRS?' She made her way through into the kitchen and placed a hand on the kettle. It was cold. Gary drank cups of tea at such a prolific rate that the kettle was never cold while he was within one kilometre of the building. The worst thing was he had the effrontery to complain about the electricity her hairdryer used up, he even refused to pay more than 40% of the utilities bill. Chloe couldn't be bothered arguing, with the amount she earned it didn't matter, and wasn't worth a long debate.

To one end of the room, near what was once probably a pantry, Gary had set up some sort of a mini photography studio. He had been working on it for weeks, and was so obsessed with it that trying to get conversation out of him was like drawing blood from a stone. Chloe walked over and had a look at his morning's work. Some of the figurines he collected and painted were sat on a desert terrain he had painstakingly recreated, with professional looking lighting surrounding them and a camera on a tripod. She had to hand it to him - they were well painted. One in particular, which looked like some elven warlord must have taken him days.

She shook her head, if the club knew that he was still just milling around the town when he was meant to be resting there would no doubt be hell to pay. The North Laithland midfielder poured herself a glass of juice and eased herself into a chair at the kitchen table. She was still buzzing from a good training session, and content just to sit and take things in. This was promising to be a tough season, Champions Cup football coupled with living up to last year's high standards. There was nothing worse in football as overachieving; you could never overachieve in the eyes of your fans, and once you built up their expectations, you only created a rod for your own back. Chloe had always enjoyed the hour or so she had to herself after training. Gary didn't drive, and cycled to the station before using public transport to get to and from his matches. The result was that it was usually later before he got back, and Chloe could do some of her own things without being put off by his cloud of pessimism. It was nice, just to have an hour each day when Gary wasn't sitting in corner of the room shouting at some news article on the internet, or complaining about this or that.

His moaning was getting worse, or had she just never really noticed it before? Chloe wasn't sure but it was worrying nonetheless. He should have just given up football after the New Edomite civil war, when he returned from the Finberg Flockers. The sport was no good for him, and he of all people knew that. Even his own agent had tried to talk him into hanging up his boots. Now he was playing in the Nepharim Premier League and there was no let up. The standard had gone through the roof over the last couple of seasons, fuelled no doubt by the national team's relative success. There were occasional weeks when Chloe herself, felt that she wasn't good enough, so she wondered how Gary felt. He was drifting in and out of the Schottic national team at the moment, but credit where credit was due, he hadn't actually been playing too badly for Chatswood by all accounts. Chloe walked over to the tap and topped her juice up with cold water. Gary was probably worried that if he got dropped from Chatswood, he might get loaned out somewhere, or they might sell him to some club further away from Kensy. This was Chloe's suspicion anyway, and she knew if there was one thing her partner hated, it was upheaval.

A moment later the peace was shattered, as Chloe heard someone entering the front door in something of a clamour. 'Had to wait twenty-five minutes for that bus this morning.' Gary shouted through, but Chloe closed her eyes and didn't answer. 'When the bus did show up, I asked the driver what the hold up was and all I got was an earful. Jumped-up posh boy, apparently.' It had started already. 'I'll give him "jumped-up..." Did you here me Chloe?' He came into the room carrying two large bags of shopping, plonking them down on the table in front of her. 'I mean, the nerve of some people. And then you question them and they don't bloody like it. The guy works in the service sector, why am I not entitled to be annoyed when he provides a poor service?' Gary waved a hand theatrically. 'Oh, everywhere is the same... Mustn't grumble though.- that’s always been my motto.'

'Yeah, I heard you.' Chloe answered weakly, as she finished off her juice and carried the glass over to the sink. 'I'm sorry he was rude to you. Are you okay?' Somehow Chloe had lost her bounce and normally endless energy of late. There were no two ways about it she was finally struggling in this relationship. Plenty of her friends had warned her when they had started seeing each other a couple of years back.

"The guy's a weirdo!"
"What, that apathetic lowlife?"
"You're kidding, Beardy-Corsie!"

'Yes, I'm fine!' Gary shuffled past her and put the kettle on. 'I'll be a damn sight better once I've had a cup of tea though.' Gary went back to the table and began unpacking his bags, with a certain forthrightness, which suddenly drew Chloe's attention to the logo on one of the carriers.

'Oh no Gary, please don't tell me you went back to that store to buy that Uncle Buck hat!' Chloe felt terrible for telling him what to wear, but with his beard (which was now at least ten inches long), and his bike, the hat had made him like some sort of Cossack riding into battle. They had bickered back and forth as to whether he should buy it or not in the shop last Saturday. Chloe had eventually worn him down but she had the feeling, back then, that the issue hadn't been settled.

'No.' He replied, and Chloe released an involuntary sigh of relief, which was to be short lived. 'They didn't have one in my size. I'm going back to pick one up next week.' Gary finally added in a matter of fact way, telling her that his mind was made up. Gary was the only boyfriend Chloe had ever had who knew his hat-size, and what was worse he knew hers too. He had actually seemed surprised when she said that she just tried on a few to see which one fitted the best. He would go into a store and ask for specific sizes, half-sizes etc; just another thing that made shopping with him rather tedious. 'I left my number with one of the sales staff, they said they would give me a call when they got their delivery.' He dug into another bag and removed some very pricy looking cheese wrapped in a sheet greaseproof paper, followed by some freshly ground coffee in a brown paper bag. 'She was very nice as a matter of fact.'

'Who was?' Chloe was quickly trying to total up the vast amount he had spend, judging by the items he was placing on the table.

'The sales assistant.' He said as he continued to place his purchases in their allotted compartments around the kitchen. 'Young girl with dark hair and an undercut... Very helpful...'

'Was she pretty?' A flash of jealousy exploded in Chloe's eyes, as they narrowed and the body language became tense.

'Pardon me?'

'I said: was she pretty? Attractive?'

Gary's bottom lip jutted out and he raised his eyebrows as if to make it seem he was considering it for the first time. 'Well... I hadn't given it a moment's thought, but now you mention it I suppose she was. In a somewhat robust Nepharim kind of way...' Gary turned back to his shopping bags.

'Should you not be back training by tomorrow anyway, not going around picking up shopping?' Chloe was genuinely concerned he could get in trouble. 'They told you to rest up.'

Gary shot her a look as he placed an expensive bottle of gin down on the table with a heavy thump. 'It's not like I'm doing the bloody tango Chloe. I forgot the busses in Nephara required the passengers to stick their feet though the floor and run along like Fred bloody Flintstone.'

'There's no need to be sarcastic Gary, I'm only concerned.' Chloe pouted.

'Well your concern is not asked for, nor is it welcome.' Gary finished unpacking his bags and scrupled them up angrily. 'But you will no doubt be happy to hear that I'm going back to training tomorrow morning.' He paused before continuing. 'I've arranged for one of my teammates to help me pick up that side table I found in the small-ads column, so I'll need to go back anyway.' Gary had been on something of an odd shopping spree over the last couple of months, and this side table would no doubt be the latest "bargain" to occupy a place in their house, which was beginning to resemble an antique shop. They now had: antique tables, chairs, beds, an art nouveau sofa in the hallway, an strange hat stand that only held four hats, two full crockery sets, a 32-piece silver cutlery set, and that wasn't even half of it.

Chloe considered complaining. She thought about telling him that there was no room anywhere, and that she actually liked the place clutter free. Again however, it was probably best to save an argument. Sometimes key to preserving the harmony was jut to roll with the punches - it was either that or scream!