From the Desk of Lord Almighty Gregory
To: Abelino Greece
From: Lord Almighty Gregory
Dear Mr. Greece,
I am writing to offer my support in Fatulu's upcoming war on the despotic nation known as the Free Republics. We have evidence that Dumpy O'Rumpy, as we choose to call Consul O'Reilly, is engaged in alliance with the Church of Saintland, and we have attached audio recordings that our spies have taken of Mr. O'Rumpy confessing to this most devious plan to people he thought were True Believers. Rest assured, our spies despise the Church of Saintland, and do not believe in its devilish despoticy. They want it wiped out just as much as we do. Unfortunately, Mr. O'Rumpy killed them off when he found out who they really were, as well as killing off the remainder of our intelligence agents.
But we do have a lot to offer you. Our soldiers are trained in human blitzkrieg, where we parachute into the enemy nation, heavily armed, shoot any enemy that moves, civilian or soldier, and set enemy buildings ablaze. The goal is the total and utter destruction of the enemy. Our military would be willing to engage in such conduct against the Free Republics, as well as train your military to do so themselves. We feel this will be of great aid in aiding your secession.
However, we do ask for something in return. Your goal of secession is noble, and we will do everything in our power to support it. However, that is not sufficient. We must also overthrow the wicked Consul occupying Republica, the wicked heathen O'Rumpy, and execute him via the Brownie Cutter of Death if possible. We must not doom the rest of the Free Republics to Mr. O'Rumpy's Consulship. After Mr. O'Rumpy is removed from power, we will recognize you as an independent nation should you still desire independence. However, we also wouldn't terribly mind if you were installed as the new Consul of the Free Republics, or some of your connections. At the very least, the Consul must not be backed by the Church of Saintland or any other heathen, despotic, misogynistic institution.
Should you desire it, and should you need it, there is always the true nuclear option - a full-scale nuclear attack on the Republican mainland, sparing only Fatululu. Should you ever desire our help in this situation, we will be happy to provide it and wipe the Republican mainland off the map as we did to Hicana. However, we do not desire this option except as a last resort, as the Republicans possess nuclear weapons of their own and we do not desire a nuclear war. We will try to disable all those weapons with a strong first strike, but cannot make any promises. Should the Republican mainland be wiped off the map, Fatululu would then be the sole claimant to Republican government, and would effectively be independent as there would be nobody else left. Please let me know if you would desire this. Once you achieve independence, we would also be willing to transfer some of our nuclear weapons to you to enable you to defend yourselves against future Republican aggression. We currently have in excess of 50,000 weapons, so we would be willing to transfer a thousand to you to aid in the fight against a mutual enemy.
Together, we can destroy Dumpy O'Rumpy, we can destroy the Church of Saintland, and we can once again help the Republicans. Should you still desire independence after that, in case a future tyrant or despot backed by the Church of Saintland comes along, we will be glad to recognize you. However, should you desire to rule the Free Republics yourself in your anti-Saintland vision, we will be glad to assist in that as well.
Additionally, although we are unwilling to publicly assist King Petrus of Saintland in bringing the anti-Patriarch and Maria Polus to justice for their sins, we do desire the same thing - the utter destruction of the Christian State. Likewise, I suspect King Petrus does not want to publicly seen working with us, due to how it would reflect on his country. Therefore, if you would be willing to act as an intermediary for the two of us, facilitating mutual communication and assistance in the destruction of the Christian State, Maria Polus, and the Anti-Patriarch, we would be willing to assist. I stress that our association with King Petrus must not be made public, and I suspect he will request the same. If you wish to do so, please reach out to Petrus with our offer, and inform me of his response at the earliest possible time.
Thank you, and good luck with destroying O'Rumpy.
Sincerely,
Lord Almighty Gregory
Leader of Gregoryisgodistan
