K1K: Krytenia vs The Multiverse - The IC Thread

[Krytenia]

Krytenian All-Time XI v Multiverse All-Time XI

Welcome, one and all, to the In-Character thread for the All-Time game between Krytenia and the Multiverse! OOC posts to the debate thread, please.

THE TEAMS
Two squads of seventeen players, to be revealed in due course by Krytenia and The Holy Empire. As the match is taking place in the Dreamed Realm, the players in question will be represented by Dream Simulacra of said players in their prime. Players will not suffer from fatigue, and injuries (including fatal ones) will be quickly healed by the "repair" of said simulacrum. Stoppage time, therefore, is likely to be more minimal than in a normal game.

THE VENUE
THE IMPERIAL HIPPODROME (The Imperial City, The Holy Empire)
The venue for the WC2 final, the WC34 opening ceremony (and - sort of - the WC34 final; you had to be there), the WC50 final, and the overwhelming majority of Holy Empire home matches is one of the most legendary stadia in the history of the World Cup. Platinum and gold-covered bejewelled domes rise above the external purple stone walls of an extraordinary monument to sport that lies adjacent to the even more magnificent Imperial Palace. It will officially seat 150,000. The laws of Euclidean geometry may be tampered with for the final, possibly up to 300,000 despite not seeming any larger. This is the Dreamed Realm, after all.

THE MATCH
Will be played over 90 minutes. If required, extra-time and penalties will be used to create a winner on the day. KBS have been permitted to film the match live for mundy broadcasting purposes; the Holy Empire will provide special broadcasting equipment to allow the match to be telecast in a manner relative to the three Ordinary Reality dimensions and their projection onto two-dimensional visual receivers (that's "televisions" to you and I).

Commentary will be provided by Basil and Theo, with Rameses Niblick III and David Heaton "in the studio" back at KBS headquarters in Emberton trying to make sense of it all. Jeremy Jaffacake and Dazza Dallas will be providing colour commentary and analysis. Hopefully Jeremy will keep his clothes on, but we can't guarantee it. Sorry.

The match itself will take place the day before the first day of the World Cup LXXIII Finals - in other words, Friday 6 November Saturday 7 November. (It would appear that the concept of the day of Saturn somehow escaped me for a bit.)

WHERE YOU COME IN
Obviously, myself and THE will be doing the bulk of the leg-work here. But this game is a celebration open to the world, so feel free to add your own viewpoints, be it anticipation of the match, players that have/haven't been selected, or anything else related to the game for that matter. Just remember, IC only: OOC stuff goes to the debate thread.

[Estelar]

The Scout is looking at the dirty and chaotic streets of Lasft, the city that once was one of the main sporting centres of the multiverse, hosting several World Cup finals, spectacular domestic football matches and even one Summer Olympics. But now, years after the Republic was declared in Cafundéu during a very controversial election, in which most people voted for unknown candidates just in order to protest against the corruption and confusions involving the government at that time, Lasft lost practically all of its glamour, a city now of contrasts: a very rich neighbourhood with closed walls and luxury shops and places for events, and the remaining of the city, receiving no support from the President on infrastructure or basic needs such as food or hygiene. Places that look abandoned in time, with people trying to survive, a situation that you wouldn't desire on your worst enemy... but even then no one cares for them. The elected leaders of the New Republic had no experience in leading a country as rich as Cafundéu, one with commercial and social links with several other countries and regions, they didn't know even where to begin and how to handle all the pressure over them, and even less how to avoid the temptations of power and money, especially in a place where people are taught since they are kids that money is the most important thing in life. Companies dominated them, controlled the most important structures, markets of the country and gave a part of the profits to the new governors who complained nothing... and the result can be seen now. Cafundéu is a collapsed country. No influence on the remaining of the world, completely abandoned and where the politicians and companies are trying to suck the last resources that remain, until there is nothing else left.

"Perhaps it was deserved, I think. Not that I enjoy what I see, what some people are suffering right now... not that I even know what they are feeling right now in the middle of my dome of glass and concrete... but that had to be a price to be paid after generations of greed. This country couldn't be the paragon of richness and advertising and taxes for so long, the attempt to concentrate all the wealth in the world in a single place failed just as it could be expected and no one stood up to try to change it, to try to make things more equal for people, and no one had hope that it could happen, after all... and, after all, Cafundéu had as much inequalty as it has now, but now it can't spend money anymore to hide it. The country at last is wearing no makeup and showing its true tragic face, and there is no more time or energy for revolution."

And The Scout says all of this while in his apartment, one on the top floor of one of the most expensive buildings located in the elite zone of Lasft, the one surrounded by protection, protection from people who aren't as successful as them. And he stays there, drinking and enjoying retirement, sometimes leaving home to eat in an expensive restaurant or to sign autographs, not putting a single foot on the ugly part of the city he can see through his window.

But if there is one thing that he misses from those times, it is surely the times when he was working for the CCFM and the WCC. Travelling all around the world, being famous, having his name on newspapers, being criticized and sometimes praised, helping the Cafundelense League to grow and lead the ranks, helping Cafundéu to... erm, to qualify for World Cups and perhaps reach the quarterfinals or win one Cup of Harmony after another, and helping the World Cup Committee to... exist, being the figurehead of the organization for some time.

"Yes, those were good moments. I met many great people, was able to rejoice at the sight of one of the players that I called to the league winning awards and becoming a world class player... trying to be a coach and failing at that, but at least having a lot of fun. And finally my political period. President of the CCFM, trying to give at least some dignity to that corrupt association whose dirty leaders I helped to send away from the association, and thanks to all these efforts being the President of the WCC... the world recognized my name. Now I am just an old man spending my last years, or even days of my life at this apartment, drinking and just thinking that my time, the time to leave, can come anytime. Not that fun anymore, I guess, but things have changed."

The Scout drinks a bit more of his whisky while looking at the window. Suddenly, a strong light appears in front of his eyes, and the skyline of Lasft becomes to him a confusion of colours. It is like he is in another dimension, or that his surroundings are another realm now, multiple dimensions mixing and changing in front of him.

"I knew I shouldn't have had that acid. I was already high enough."

The strong lights and colours disappeared, and then a man was standing close to him. The Scout easily recognized him before he started to speak.

"I am sorry for my sudden and a bit exaggerated and glam appearance. It was very popular in the past, but I think nowadays people prefer something more subtle as an entrance, or just fireworks instead of this flush of colous and lights, but it is still enjoyable. By the way, this is just an image of me right now, so this isn't really trespassing, I am not really at your home, but this is my way to send you a message... and an invite."

It is Juan Tzimisces, talking directly from the Dreamed Realm. The immortal legend talking to an old - although not that old, younger than the other person at the room - and forgotten man.

"I don't mind your visit, of course... it is an honour. Lately I just stay here on my own, and someone like you reminds me of some good things. I would offer you some whisky and a chair to sit on, but as you've just said that you're not really present, I think it doesn't make difference. I am anxious to hear your invite."

Tzimisces actually sits down, looking at the surroundings of The Scout's home. Some photos of his time in the WCC and CCFM, some shirts of famous players, many whisky bottles.

"In the current World Cup cycle, Krytenia will reach one thousand matches. In order to commemorate this, they are going to organize a special game between their All-Time National Team and an All-Time Multiverse team. Of course all the players involved will be simulacra of when they were at their peaks, and now you know why the Dreamed Realm is involved in this."

"Of course. Only the Dreamed Realm could produce and organize such an event... they'd need a special venue and preparations that could allow for a reunion of players from different times. Always liked to visit there, you never knew what you were going to face."

"Well, you have a chance to go there again, if you want to."

"How?"

"I need your services. You are probably the best scout of all multiverse, one capable of analyzing a player by just taking a look and seeing some moves, with a lot of knowledge, and I know you still have the talent. I will be the coach of the All-Time Multiverse Team, but I need a team, I need a squad."

"But you've been around for such a long time that you already know where to look, I think. And you'll be the coach after all, so it'd be better to work with the players you prefer."

"Maybe. But why not have a second opinion? Why not cut some work? The more help the better. And in scouting players you are the person. We are going to look at players from all the World Cups ever played and pick twenty-three players for our squad. You are part of this Multiverse team now, Scout."

"I was retired... but this offer is simply beyond imagination. How will we evaluate the players? Do you have the tapes or the DVDs for me to watch? I know some interesting names, some players who have played for the Cafundelense league and were considered to be world class players, we could start with those. Laborious Hawk, Ke Sho, Danny Adams..."

"We have a bigger pool of options than just the Cafundelense league and the years you've been alive. Come on, stand up and finish your drink, you know that we won't be watching television. Although we'll watch something, really. We'll watch matches, historical World Cup matches in time. Let's leave this time and place for you to do your job."

"Well, always nice to do some tourism and watch some quality football. Will you give me some time to pack up my things?"

"They're already packed at the Dreamed Realm."

"Really? How kind. First class service it seems, do I have to pay any customs fees or a tax to embark at this portal?"

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

Juan Tzimisces looked at the initial discussion document provided by the Krytenian FA, and the spreadsheet provided by The Scout (though finding something to read the spreadsheet on had proved problematic; Mundy technology could be... amusing).

So, an all-time World Cup multiverse XI, plus substitutes to celebrate Krytenia's 1000th match.... Well; these things could be subjective, but then subjectivity of experience was a core principle of Dreamed Realm existence (the Archregimancy aside), so why not humour the Kryties?

The initial spaces had been fairly easy to fill, but he still had some work to do. He looked at the names he already had written down on his list.

Two of the central midfielders picked themselves. Any greatest-ever multiverse side that didn't have an immortal (in more than one sense) midfield of Hawk and Tzimisces was laughable; true, Juan had only played intermittently since World Cup 4, but he had tested himself against Hawk, and knew greatness when he saw it. And besides, the Vanorians were one of the most successful sides in World Cup history; Hawk was an automatic. Juan also felt that no one would really object if he picked himself; a little self-indulgence couldn't hurt.

In defence, he had to pick Ke Sho of Ariddia. The rock at the heart of the Rouge et Noirs' World Cup 32 & 34 victories, and namesake of the 'Ke Sho Award' handed out to the best defender in World Cup 36, Ke Sho was the only sensible choice to represent the tournament's founders.

Forward would be the hardest position to fill, with so many worthy candidates over time. Still, in another moment of minor self-indulgence, few would likely object to the choice of former World Cup Committee President, current Holy Empire assistant manager, and Starblaydi legend Simeone Di Bradini.

Tzimisces had also started thinking about the bench. Surely Urk, mightiest of the sentient giant courgettes, could represent Giant Zucchini from the bench, and he implicitly understood the Mundy clamour to have just an Egg as the back-up goalkeeper.

The supporting positions were also important. He'd already found the Rejistanian Hexatux to offer pre-match analysis as well as in-game support. The Scout of Cafundeu was already off doing scouty things, and he understood - though he couldn't quite understand what sin he must have committed to have this foisted on him - that Basil and Theo would be joined by Jeremy Jaffacake and Dazza Dallas to provide the match commentary.

He was leaning towards a 3-4-3 formation for the match, just to fit in an extra forward; but that still left him needing to find 8 starters and another 4 substitutes.

Still, with all of time and space at his disposal, how hard could it be?

[Krytenia]

Rami Niblick had, by now, got used to the notion of actually picking a football side.

This, though, was different.

Here, we have the entirety of creation at the old man's disposal. A few of the names had written themselves easily into the twenty-three-strong Krytenian squad. Gabriel Kennedy, possibly the greatest striker ever to pull on a sky blue shirt, was straight in. So was Ari Smith, the first legend of the United Provinces. Behind them, certainly, was the Showman himself. The unique and immeasurable talents of Kiefer Lloyd would be perfect.

He needed help for the rest though. Of course! He needed a manager! He thought of a name, a perfect candidate, the man who'd taken the Aces to the blink of glory.

...

The brightness of the flash of light blue that seemed to warp the very walls of Rami's office half-blinded the old man for a moment. His eyes adjusted to the change in light level, and he made out the form of Francisco Vázquez García - or at least an Oneireality representation of him.

"You called?"

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

The Multiverse XI was really starting to take shape...

Juan Tzimisces looked at the team sheet so far:

Starters:

GK Osoro Coceres (Aguazul)
DEF Kohev Kuengas-Vaga (Polar Islandstates)
DEF Ke Sho (Ariddia)
DEF Lee Branson (Audioslavia)
MID
MID Laborious Hawk (Valanora)
MID Juan Tzimisces (The Holy Empire)
MID
FOR Simeone Di Bradini (Starblaydia)
FOR Alan Belmore (The Belmore Family)
FOR Lee Sharp (Eura)


Subs

GK An Egg (Just an Egg)
DEF
MID
MID Esteban De Jesus (Brazillico)
FOR Urk (Giant Zucchini)
FOR Vanessa Carpenter (Bedistan)

But he still had some spots to fill. Would he put a third forward on the bench? Would he swap Carpenter and Belmore? Mundy time was short, and some hard decisions still had to be made....

[Krytenia]

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to announce the twenty-three man squad for the All-Time Multiverse game.

First, the goalkeepers. Naturally, this caused many headaches, such is the long list of Krytenian custodians that have hit the heady heights in international football. We have decided, though, to select James Barcali, Juan Garcia, and Adam Vernazza. It pained us to exclude Alan Munitis and Alan Keys from the team, but sadly we only had room for three.

Onto the defenders. Again, difficult choices all; Seth Grüber went in and out of the line-up several times as we deliberated, but in the end, here's what we went for.

Left backs are Gail Castro and Zack Starkov. On the other side, Eddie Moliano and Travis Westhuisen are our right backs. In the middle, we have Terry Goodley, Samuel Gryce, Saffron Lines, and Colm Ó Riordan.

A number of names lit up the midfield - among those who barely missed out on the cut are Kevin Ireland, George Wilson, and Stephen Xousa, top players all - but our choices are Warren Kennedy-Worthington and Leon Sartelli on the right, Ricky Sexton and free-kick specialist Dave Van Staveren in the middle, Chris Lydersen and Tejai - heh, that'll make the Starblaydis wince - on the left...and in that marauding attacking midfield role we've plumped for the Showman, Kiefer Lloyd, and Kevin Keda.

Finally, to our four forwards. With a lot of talent at our disposal, we decided to exclude Valrauncion from selection - he got to play in the thousandth game against Audioblaydia, after all - and instead plumped for Gabriel Kennedy, Phillip Neasden, Darren Scotland, and Ari Smith. Sadly for the novelty wig-makers, no Colin Ulvæus for you.

The starting eleven will be announced the day before the game, for now, though, it's time for myself and Dream!FVG here to put the lads through their paces. Any questions?"

[The Archregimancy]

LAAADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

It's our pleasure to announce the full and final Multiverse all-stars to take on the Kryties....

IN GOOOOAAAAALLLL

He's one of the greatest goalkeepers in World Cup history, and almost singlehandedly stopped Krytenia from getting their hands on the trophy; his mere presence on the pitch will remind the Kryties of their reputation as one of the all-time great choking sides in World Cup history.... it's Osoro Coceres (Aguazul)

IN DEEEE-FENCE

He scored a winning goal in a World Cup final for a team almost as famous for choking as Krytenia.... one of the most famous left-backs in recent World Cup history is... Kohev Kuengas-Vaga (Polar Islandstates); in the centre of defence is the unshakeable rock on which World Cup founders' most successful defence was built - two-time World Cup winner Ke Sho (Ariddia); and at right back, he comes from far in the mists of time, he represents one of Krytenia's oldest adversaries, he's the legendary Lee Branson (Audioslavia).

IN MIDFIIIIIIIIELD

Moved out to the left from his usual central position, it's one of the two world class midfielders who took his team to multiverse dominance - and he'll certainly be familiar to Juan Tzimisces given he played in two finals against the Holy Empire - it's Jesse Nakatsuru (Candelaria And Marquez). In central midfield, it's the team captain for this multiverse all-star team; words do not even begin to define his talent, his talent defines words - he needs no introduction, it's the legendary Laborious Hawk (Valanora). Sharing central midfield in what must be one of the greatest central pairings ever to take the field.... he comes from the dawn of time, he's won four World Cups as manager, and his thunderbolts have been shaking crossbars since World Cup 1... it's the player manager for this squad, the immortal (literally) Juan Tzimisces (The Holy Empire). Out on the right is one of the silkiest wingers, one of the most penetrating crossers of the ball ever to take the field; she's won World Cups - she's Siobhan Ní hÓgáin (Sorthern Northland)

THE FORWAAAAAARDS

Both brilliant player and famous WCC bureaucrat - his devoted fans' talents for promoting his accomplishments know no bounds - it's the Statler to Krytenia's Waldorf, it's.... Simeone Di Bradini (Starblaydia). Di Bradini will well-remember his central striking partner; she helped bring the World Cup to Bedistan - Vanessa Carpenter (Bedistan). And completing the front three in this 3-4-3 formation is one of the most prolific strikers of recent years; youra sure to be liking Lee Sharp (Eura)

AND ON THE BENNNNNCH

The back-up goalkeeper is one of the most famously quixotic players in World Cup history; underestimate him, and the yolk's on you.... it's An Egg (Just an Egg). The back-up defender helped bring the World Cup back to the Tropics of Vilita after one of the longest dry spells between final triumphs in tournament history.... it's Kadi Molali (Vilita). Do you remember when the stocky, powerful dwarfs of Az-cz ruled the World Cup? Their greatest midfielder - whose low centre of gravity served him well - was Kn-Dg (Az-cz). From the dawn times comes a midfielder who helped his side become one of the most iconic of early World Cup-winning nations; who else can it be but Esteban De Jesus (Brazillico)? The two substitute forwards are among the most legendary World Cup players ever to take the field; if they start on the bench, it's only because neither actually won the World Cup. I bring you the last of the sentient football-playing courgettes, the legendary Urk (Giant Zucchini) and the unstoppable goal machine you all know and love, the extraordinary Alan Belmore (The Belmore Family)

Mr Tzimisces would also like to thank A) the Hexatux (Rejistania) for providing pre-game tactical analysis; Hexatux will also provide coaching support during the match; and B) The Scout of Cafundeu for his invaluable in scouting out the candidates for the squad.

Studio Commentary will be provided during the match by Basil & Theo [Holy Empire] with Jeremy Jaffacake [Audioslavia] and Dazza Dallas [Jeruselem], who'll no doubt be wishing g'night to all of the naked bitches telling us the joke about the two nuns, the donkey, and the plate of spaghetti.

[Krytenia]

Ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls, and species of all descriptions, it's time to reveal the sky blue eleven...the ETERNAL ACES!

#1 - In goal, the man whose saves laid the foundation for the early Aces teams. Fresh from World Cup XVI...ADAM VERNAZZA!

#2 - Our starting right-back, captain of the greatest Krytenian team ever, the World Cup LVIII finalists...TRAVIS WESTHUISEN!

#3 - On the opposite flank, hoping to renew hostilities with Vanessa Carpenter...ZACK STARKOV!

#4 - Our holding midfielder, our team captain, and all-around puller of strings...RICKY SEXTON!

#5 - She's not just a token player - she's probably the best woman ever to play for the national side. It's SAFFRON LINES!

#6 - Another World Cup Final alumnus, of Sorthern extraction but one hundred percent Krytie - COLM Ó RIORDAN!

#7 - Hide your Starblaydis, here's the scorer of that goal - TEJAI!

#8 - The man behind the men, the life, the legend....The Showman! KIEFER LLOYD!

#9 - Back from when it all began, the first of the famed names in Krytenian football. The one, the only...ARI SMITH!

#10 - He didn't just bang them in, he fathered a dynasty. Before Raphael, Uriel, or Zachariel, there was...GABRIEL KENNEDY!

#11 - And speaking of Kennedys, one of the fiercest crossers ever to grace the game. WARREN KENNEDY-WORTHINGTON!

Your substitutes are Juan Garcia, Terry Goodley, Gail Castro, Dave Van Staveren, Kevin Keda, and Phillip Neasden.

1. Vernazza
2. Westhuisen - 5. Lines - 6. Ó Riordan - 3. Starkov
11. Kennedy-Worthington - 4. Sexton (C) - 7. Tejai
8. Lloyd
10. Kennedy - 9. Smith

Subs: 12. Goodley - 13. Garcia - 14. Castro - 15. Van Staveren - 16. Keda - 17. Neasden

[Zwangzug]

Hernán Ginés closed his eyes.

Just for a moment, breathing in. Savoring the feel of the newspaper under his touch. Every day, he went to work reporting the news. Every day, a new edition came and went, was read by countless people and then scattered--perhaps all the truths it contained were holed up in archives somewhere, but so many of the individual, physical copies were lost to time and the winds. This was what he lived for, creating the texts that would be endlessly renewed.

He opened his eyes and glanced at it again. The Ciudad Peralta Prensa Libre.

There were other sorts of inheritances too, weightier and even less tangible. The weight of memories, by then a generation old. Before the clamor of trains had brought the unified Shell Shock Troop Clan grumbling in and out of earshot every now and then, before it had quietly rebuilt itself in isolation, before the republic had truly been free at all, there had been an Aguazul. Before that, before Hernán could remember even, being aguazuleño had meant something, something special. So much the government had had to answer for, so much repression and neglect, and yet, a few people had carved out something to be proud of.

That was the past, Hernán knew, based on comfortable truisms such as that being how time worked. And yet there he was.

Krytenia. No, he wasn't there, but it was an extant state, as worthy of being called a nation as any that went down that route. With a football team--the Aces, he'd been told. Unbidden, songs began rushing through his head, English lyrics he couldn't quite place. He was too young to remember when they'd meant anything. But one researched things.

He could have written about the millennial Aces, he felt confident. Not with a fraction of the knowledge, the understanding, that his mostly-censored predecessors would have had in his parents' time. But a historical look, a brief overview of what the defeat of the combined Audioslavian/Starblaydi team meant. Something cursory enough to please his cohort, whose understanding of football ranged up and down, but on average didn't outshine his own. This was something else.

Hernán supposed he didn't really have much control over the whole matter of departure; it probably didn't matter to whatever he was dealing with whether he came from his house in the capital or elsewhere in the Supercentro, or from as far afield as the real Grisolon (not the Grisolon the train station was named after; the Supercentro's new depot had been left that way mostly out of habit), to say nothing of what had once been the occupied regions, now united into the country. But he'd wanted to visit the new university in Ciudagua; walk among the youngest students, who were younger than the university itself, younger than the republic.

The Carranza Institute of Ugraphy--the study of places that were not places, endowed by a successful but curious benefactor--was not the most productive branch of the university. But its scholars were free to hypothesize, to discuss, to debate, to publish and maybe even not perish, in what amounted to considerable progress by Aguazul's standards. Any voice, someone was saying, might be the call at which--with shouts on their lips and songs in their hearts--scattered fans might gather once again--

Hernán stepped through.

It took a long time to get an interview, of course, but wandering the halls of the Imperial Hippodrome was more than enough to take in. He found himself jotting notes, there might be an article in that alone. There were a couple people in line before him to speak with Coceres--simulacrum Coceres, he reminded himself. Dreams.

The woman scribbling down notes seemed tenser than Hernán, though clearly just as blown away by the stadium's grandeur. "You're not nervous or anything?"

"Of course not!" said dream-Coceres. "This is what we're here for, I'm looking forward to an exciting game."

"But this is a bit of an--unusual--setting."

"Sure, it's the Holy Empire--they'll be fine hosts, this is their department. This is where I'm meant to be right now."

"Tzimisces has put together an attacking roster..."

"Well, sure. That's his job, Krytenia are a team that can go on the attack never mind the positions listed. Aguazul always played an attacking game too. I'm in my element knowing my team is ready to go forward but will work together to play defense when needed."

"What do you think about your fellow starters? Other players from some strong teams."

"You know, that's what they say about any national team. The best of the best clubs. There will always be a mix of personalities but whatever they need to do, I'm sure they'll manage to get back into their own routines, such as they are. Nothing to worry about."

"How about the Krytenians?"

"It's the defenders that I--that most--well, look, I'll admit I'm not wholly well-versed in Aces history, I couldn't tell you the stats of everyone I'm going up against, but that doesn't make it any less of an honor to join with them in the celebration...and hopefully give them a worthy challenge. And as for those defenders, Ó Riordan's endured incredible adversity, Westhuisen is a natural leader--we might not run into each other much out there, but that doesn't make the competition any less intense."

"Intense, to be sure. But still no stress on your part?"

"This is my dream, such as it is, I get to do what I love. Look, I'll admit that there are some people who are prone to crack under the pressure, who are a little yellow-bellied under it all or white with fear, who want to hide in their shell. But I'm not like that! If that's the scoop you want from a keeper than go talk to my backup."

She glanced down at her notes. "Not Arellano? You wore the twelve, that cycle, to give him confidence."

"No. Well, actually, him too--don't tell him I said that--but, my backup here."

"Oh. I'll get on that."

"Good luck," simulacrum-Coceres grinned, "I've heard it's a hard interview."

"Any worries that your backup would steal the spotlight in the game?"

"Hardly. It's a friendly match, remember that, this really is less stressful than many qualification games even. It's to honor the great Krytenians and give the fans something to sing about, I suppose. If Tzimisces wants to give them something else to watch I trust his judgment completely, and on the bench I'd have the best seat in the house to watch some of the best of all time."

"All time so far."

"Eh?"

"Oh never mind. Thank you very much, and best of luck in the match!"

"You're welcome!"

She paced away as Hernán, prying his gaze from the purple stone, moved ahead. He waved as she walked past, grousing.

"This is weird," she finally said.

Hernán nodded.

"Simulacrum or what, he does seem pretty chill for being, you know...er..."

"From a brutal dictatorship with few human rights and potential disappearances at every turn?" Hernán sighed. He'd heard it all before.

"...one of them sorts with the gloves," she trailed off, glancing around the magnificent stadium again.

He blinked. "You're the token Zwangzug press, aren't you."

"How'd you know? It's my accent, isn't it? Northeastern Rs."

"Sure," he said. "I'll save you a seat in the press box tomorrow, yeah? I think we can help each other."

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

<FUNKY THEME MUSIC>

LAAAAAAAADIES AND GENTLEBEINGS.....

IT'S....

THE KRYTENIA VERSUS THE MULTIVERSE SHOW

With Basil and Theo and Jeremy Jaffacake and Dazza Dallas


"I'm Basil"

"And I'm Theo"

"And with us here in the studio tonight for this very special naked occasion..."

"Are Mr. Jaffacake of Audioslavia, and Ms. Dallas of Jeruselem"

"Hi there"

"A high-pitched naked hello from me too."

"Why aren't you naked, Theo?"

"Because I take this whole commentary business seriously, Basil."

"But Jezza, Dazza, and I are all... naked, Theo. And Dazza, can I just say how... beautiful you look tonight. Naked."

"Be as that may, at least one of us intends on taking tonight's very special occasion seriously - because it's Krytenia's 1000th match, where they'll be taking on the very finest the Multiverse has to offer, as chosen by our very own Juan Tzimisces."

"Is Juan Tzimisces naked, Theo?"

"No, I.... Of course he's not naked. Don't be a moron."

"Because I think Dazza here would really, really like to see him naked."

"Ooooh, yes; yes I absolutely would."

"Please; can we take this seriously, just for a minute. The Kryties are relying on us."

"Who?"

"The Krytenians; our World Cup 50 co-hosts. You do remember the Krytenians, Basil?"

"No. Are they naked?"

"And with no further ado, as the players walk onto the pitch, let these magnificent opening ceremonies begin! Here, with the traditional Krytenian greeting of massed farting rabbits....."

-------------------------------------------

12th minute

"So, what you're actually saying, Jeremy, is that nihilism is an ultimately self-defeating philosophy, as the urge to self destruction is unable to fully reify the individual's sense of, if you will, un-worth."

"Quite, Theo; you understand my point entirely - and might I add that it's a relief to finally have an individual of sufficent erudition to discuss these issues with. No one really understands me in Audioslavia, which is why..."

"I'll just have to nakedly interrupt you both there, Theo, because Ní hÓgáin's been tripped on the left of the area by Tejai, so it's a free kick to the Multiverse..."

"Ní hÓgáin whips in one of her trademark crosses. Nakatsuru flicks it on... Sharp heads the ball... CARPENTER!!!! IT FALLS TO CARPENTER!!!!! 1-0 to the Multiverse XI after Ní hÓgáin's cross causes utter havoc in the Krytenian defence."

"Vernazza will be disappointed by his inability to control the area there, Theo."

"Can I just say that I'm really enjoying being naked here on television with you..."

"There isn't enough time, Dazza, as Lloyd restarts the match..."

-------------------------------------------

33rd minute

"But is dialectical materialism really an appropriate philosophy for the modern national team manager to espouse, Jeremy; if you remember, Andossa se Mitrin Vega attempted to..."

"Quite, Theo; but as a counterpoint, I note Al Quds embraced a particular revolutionary approach to the issue in World Cup 2, meaning that..."

"If I can just interrupt, Hawk and Tzimisces play a quick one-two in the centre of midfield; Tzimisces passes back to Branson, whose long upfield clearance goes to ... Ó Riordan intercepts, sends it forward to Kennedy-Worthington"

"It's a beautiful pass, Basil... LLOYD IS FREE!!!!! LLOYD!!!!!! OH YES!!!!!! A magnificent goal from the Krytenian number 8, just when the Multiverse XI were really threatening to put this one away; and Branson will be disappointed by that clearance."

"Can I just say how much I enjoy being naked on television?"

"No time there, Dazza, because..."


-------------------------------------------

halftime

"Your genuinely fascinating theories on the balance between security and democracy in a free society notwithstanding, Jeremy, I think that it's time for Basil and I to discuss how the match is progressing at halftime. Basil..."

"Dazza's been showing me her magnificent melons, Theo; she grew them herself. The soil in Jeruselem is extraordinarily fertile, allowing for the growing of some simply outlandishly sized melons. They compare very favourably with the Imperial Palace's knockers."

"I see. But the actual match, Basil?"

"Oh. Right. Two evenly-matched teams, giving it their all, blah, blah, blah, blah. Frankly, I'd rather discuss Dazza's melons."

"Melons aside, as the teams come back onto the pitch, it looks like Krytenia have brought on Goodley, Garcia, Castro, Van Staveren, and Keda, while Tzimisces has brought on Molali for Kuengas-Vega, Kn-dg and De Jesus for Nakatsuru and Ní hÓgáin respectively, and Urk and Belmore for Carpenter and Sharp. Basil?"

"A bold move there, as Tzimisces now has four central midfielders on the pitch, Theo - and no wingers."

"If I show you my melons, can I get some more naked camera time, because..."

"No time there, Dazza, because as the second-half whistle blows...."


-------------------------------------------

68th minute

"The one about the two nuns, the donkey, and the plate of spaghetti..."

"Why, Basil - I do declare that to be the merriest jape of the season."

"Thank you, Jeremy; you don't seem a bad sort really; why, perhaps if I tell you about the time that..."

"Moving on, Basil, because it's a corner to Krytenia... the ball is whipped in... KENNEDY!!!!! Krytenia take the lead as Kennedy sends a cracking header past Coceres. Absolutely unstoppable!"

"He may be a force to be reckoned with on the ball, Theo, but you have to wonder whether Kn-Dg was the best player to be marking Kennedy, Theo."

"Absolutely Basil; bit of a height issue there."

"Can I just quickly point out that I'm really comfortable being naked on television...."

"No time, Dazza, because the match moves on quickly here..."



-------------------------------------------

78th minute

"Because if two objects are homooúsios, Jeremy, then there relationship is quite different than it would be if if they were homoioúsios..."

"You grasp the point immediately, Theo; for example, take these two candles - if we hold them together as they burn, is the flame homooúsios even while the candles are homoioúsios? I posit that in, in the non-metaphysical sense..."

"Sorry to interrupt, but Tzimisces sends it through to Di Bradini, who controls the ball on the edge of the area, a quick pass to Urk, who unleashes a shot... Garcia parries... BELMORE!!! ALAN BELMORE SCORES THE EQUALISER!!!!"

"IT COULDN'T BE ANYONE ELSE! Belmore saves the Multiverse XI here, Basil, and it looks like we might - just might - be headed towards extra time."

"Can I just say that I was really rather hoping that I'd get more screen time naked here tonight."

"I'm sorry, Dazza, but with the match entering its final minutes, there's everything to play for here tonight."


-------------------------------------------

119th minute

"End to end stuff here, Basil as both teams are giving it their all."

"Absolutely Theo; the decision to bring Neasden on for the Krytenians has given the home side a real boost - while Hawk, Tzimsices, Di Bradini, and Sho have been absolutely tireless as the spine of this Multiverse XI."

"And let's not forget Coceres - he's been a rock in goal for the Multiverse, Basil and..."

"Absolutely, Theo..."

"But... what's this... With penalties looming, in the dying seconds of extra time, Tzimisces is making his final substitution... it's... An Egg! Tzimisces is ordering Coceres off, and is personally carrying An Egg into the goal, positioning it in the centre of the goal. And that's the final whistle! It's a penalty shoot-out with An Egg in goal for the Multiverse!"

"A bold decision, there, Theo - and Coceres is absolutely fuming."

"I can barely watch."

"Right; we'd better cut away."

"What, now?"

"Yes, sorry Jeremy. We'd better leave the shootout to the Kryties"

"But I wanted to end the broadcast with my catchphrase."

"What?"

"G'night bitches."

"You can still say it if you want to."

"Really?"

"Absolutely"

"You both promise?"

"You won't mind?"

"Of course not."

"And Dazza?"

"She's off doing naked things; nakedly."

"Right... then... so..."

"Oh, go on..."

"We've been Basil, Theo, Dazza Dallas, and Jeremy Jaffacake...

G'night bitches"

[Krytenia]

"Thank you for that lads - and Dazza - you're with the KBS commentary team live at the Imperial Hippodrome, I'm Rameses Niblick the Third, and I've got Jerome-Jaffacake Phillips with me...Jerome, are you naked?!?"

"Oh aye, Rami. If you can't beat em, amirite?"

"...quite. Bold decision to stick An Egg in goal for the shootouts, I'd say though!"

"Aye, but it's a good trade-off - the wee eggy mightnae have the agility of your average stopper, but it'll be showing nae fear in front of the Aces takers."

"That would be because it doesn't have a face, Jerome."

"True, true..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE SHOOTOUT

"So, looks like it's the Multiverse team stepping up first. Alan Belmore steps up...unstoppable strike!"

"Absolutely perfect from the Belmorian, but then what else would you expect? It's like he was designed in a vat or something."

"It's the Belmorians; he probably was."

"Garcia's got a face like thunder as he trudges away...where's the egg, though?"

"Looks like Simeone di Bradini's on ovum duty, as he carries the egg to the goal-line...is there something different about the egg to you?"

"Aye, Rami, it looks a bit...bulbous, almost like it's been kept in a bawbag."

"Bawbag?"

"Scrotum, Rami. Scrotum."

"On that note, then, Ari Smith to take Krytenia's first penalty....into the bottom corner, casual as you like."

"An Egg was rooted to the spot there."

"I didn't think Eggs had roots, Jerome."

"Ye've been spending too much time with ma Paw, Rami."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(The shootout is at 4-4. Hawk, Urk, and Tzimisces have all converted for the Multiverse team; Van Staveren, Keda, and Kennedy-Worthington for Krytenia. We rejoin for the fifth Multiverse penalty.)

"So here we go, the twice-living legend, the silky-haired God of Football..."

"'That Bloody Starblaydi'?"

"Indeed. Simeone di Bradini to step up. Short run-up...GARCIA SAVES! WHAT A SAVE BY JUAN GARCIA!"

"Tha' was un-bee-lieveable. Take a bow, tha' man. Di Bradini's looking top corner, Garcia anticipates, flings himself across goal, and tips the strike over the bar. What a save!"

"Krytenia, home of the greatest goalkeepers ever to grace the game, and that save proves it. Now it's down to Phillip Neasden. Laborious Hawk places the egg on the line, Neasden composes himself..."

"The egg's rocking on the line, there, Rami."

"Indeed, maybe trying to put Neasden off. If he scores, it's all over...AND HE DOES! BELTER OF A PEN, FIVE-FOUR KRYTENIA! KRYTENIA BEAT THE MULTIVERSE!"

"No stopping that penal...hang on, Rami, I think that An Egg is broken!"

"It's not broken, Jerome...it's hatching! An Egg is hatching! What's in it?"

"If it's a wee man in a turkey costume, Rami, I'm going home."

"Here we go...and it's a small red dragon! Unmissable scenes here, An Egg has hatched into a bona fide miniature Ddraig Goch!"

"Ten argentals says he's in goal for the Holy Empire next cup."

"What a game here tonight! As the Krytenians lift Phil Neasden on their shoulders, and the Multiverse team welcome their newest member, it's time to say goodnight from myself, from Jerome, Basil, Theo, Jeremy, and Dazza, and we'll see you back here for the Two Thousandth!"

[Zwangzug]

In a day meant to honor the past, the Krytenian versus International All-Star Team instead may have provided a glimpse of the future. After a 2-2 draw in regular time, the Aces, celebrating a milestone 1,000 games of international football, defeated their (nominal) visitors in a penalty shootout, but not before the latter welcomed an unexpected talent...

"Is having extra time and like--tiebreakers and stuff--after the match normal for international friendlies?" asked the token Zwangzug press. Nancy Kitano, that was her name, Hernán had gathered.

"You're asking me?"

"Well we're not big on that kind of thing, you know."

"It's not all that normal, I don't think, but this game is for the heck of it, so why not stretch it out."

"I mean, most games are for the heck of it, in the grand scheme of things."

"Well, there are more subs than usual, so people won't be as tired. Higher quality of play overall."

"If you say so..."

The first half saw a relatively balanced standard of play, with goals from both Vanessa Carpenter and Kiefer "Showman" Lloyd. For the cosmopolitans, outside midfielders and contemporaries, Jesse Nakatsuru and Siobhan Ní hÓgáin, both assisted on the Carpenter goal, but despite scintillating play, both came off in the second half as the team shifted to a relatively older lineup. Even the pride of Carbondale, Carpenter herself, was benched. So perhaps it should have been no surprise that the lineups would remain fluid, and the second half brought further change.

Kn-Dg, a halftime entrant and onetime Baptism of Fire all-star, found himself unable to prevent Gabriel Kennedy from giving Krytenia the lead. The Aces' number ten took control with a little over twenty minutes left, but ten minutes later, Alan Belmore had equalized for the visitors.

"And I'm two-thirds of the way through this? Plus the penalties business..."

"Look, if you need to write more, just regurgitate the 'merely human' spiel."

"What 'merely human' spiel?"

"Oh well, you know. We're merely human, we're born, we grow up in sundry locations, we fall in love with certain sports teams or another, we follow their stories, learn their names, and then they grow old and after their time, there are other generations that come along to take their place, just like it'll be for us--and uh, we're not perhaps certain what all the rest is, though a lot of us have rather strong opinions and that's, you know, quite good--but that's the way things go."

Nancy tsked. "I'm a reporter, Hernán, I report the news."

"That's more hard-hitting than you think."

"Is it, now?"

"We're here, this game happened."

"So what?"

"So that should be more than enough proof that given half a chance, you'd be an object of--patronization. Look at the cute little humans with their lives and their journalisms and their football. See enough of them, pat enough of them on the heads, and it's no wonder some entities can't tell frustration from tranquility anymore. Time dilation's a nice trick and all, but some of these lifespans are just stretching out the same old egos thinner and thinner."

"So what can we do?"

"Well, there are a couple options. You can just own up to it and kiss butt; 'they're immutable forces, I'm a puny mortal, and such is life.'"

"Doesn't sound like your department."

"Not mine or, if I may risk putting words into far too many mouths, maybe even my country's. Or yours?"

"No. With some dishonorable exceptions, but not in the context you're thinking of."

"Right. Second is the sour grapes mentality; there's got to be a downside, 'nothing is so good it lasts eternally.'"

"Who said that?"

"Uhhhh well actually some Audioslavian bloke in the bathroom stall next to mine, but that was extremely out of context.

"All right then. Again, I prefer something a little less despairing, so moving on."

"Thirdly, conspiracy theories, going to greater and greater lengths to deny other people's protestations."

"Sounds fun."

"It actually is, I'd think, but probably difficult."

"Not that there's anything wrong with a bit of healthy time dilation now and again. But is there any actual way out?"

"I'm not sure if I've figured it out completely, and maybe it takes too long to ever really put into words. But I think it's made up of the bits and pieces that places like ours got right in spite of ourselves, for all our flaws. The moments when--we explained the world for ourselves." Hernán peered over at her draft. "Because someday, someone like us will care that there was a place called Carbondale where a woman named Vanessa was born in February, that Ke Sho came naked from the trees, and that--no matter how short he was--Kn-Dg was once a teenager for a team called the Yak Clerics. That someone remembered that all this time."

"And Krytenia?"

"I don't know if there will ever be an all-time Cyan Army, most of those individual fans never needed to be larger than life. But their songs are still there, still carried forward. That's how I remember them, anyway."

"And what else?"

"And somewhere, out there in reality--there was a flesh-and-blood man who took a lot of elevator rides, and collected a whole lot of goodie bags, with a whole lot of hours in between. And tiebreakers. And...stuff."

"And stuff," said the token Zwangzug press.