A WEB TV SHOW!
A jaunty but exceptionally annoying theme song plays, wherein the phrase 'Grilled Brie for 3' is simply sung over and over again, ad infinitum. Following a series of terrible CGI special effects, which display a drawing of the globe slamming into the flag of Kagdazka and Pazhujebu, causing a massive explosion, the camera jerkily pans to the two hosts of the show, Natasha Klossovskaya and Fušia Oujadda. Today they are hiding out in the booth of a shady little coffee shop. The walls in the background are haphazardly painted with springtime green, and a window in the background is either broken or has been left open, as the hospitalish green-beige curtains are flapping in a harsh wind. It seems to be getting a bit late in the day, as twilight is all that illuminates whatever is outside the window. Both Natasha and Fušia are wearing turtlenecks and jacket vests.YOUR HOSTS:
<-- Natasha Klossovskaya
Fušia Oujadda -->
TODAY'S GUEST:
A Sketchy Old Friend of Fušia's
Fušia: ...and anyway, then I talked to my little brother right before we left. Guess the fuck what? A really good college friend of his managed to sneak into that moronic pseudoscience convention in New Montreal States! Did you hear about that? Yeah, apparently because everybody's too busy reading crappy novels written by unsuccessful physicists to read, I don't know, actual physics textbooks. 42, my butt. Typical NMS, really. I suppose it's no surprise that they hosted that conference. I mean, could you see the Starblaydis hosting it? Not a chance. They're far too dignified. It's all a big circle-jerk, really, if you ask me. They just want some dumb divine affirmation that they are good at football, which they aren't. And did you hear that they can't even spell the name of our nation properly? "Kaghazda and Pazhebu." I could just die. Honestly, I wish the WA would release studies on the country with the most widespread Down's Syndrome; I guarantee you NMS would be right there near the top.
Natasha: Yeah... remind me why we hate them?
Fušia: I don't know. They knocked us out of the Cup of Harmony. And before that they made qualifying for World Cup 58 a living hell. Plus they're all just really ugly, I mean have you seen that Christian Ponder bloke? And not the terrible tabloid photos where they've photoshopped his face to make it look attractive.
Natasha: I... don't think I have.
Fušia: Look it up online. It's hilarious and horrifying at the same time.
Pause.Fušia: "Kaghazda and Pazhebu." Honestly.
Natasha: To be fair, it is a bit hard to spell.
Fušia: Just copy and paste it! They're misspelling it on purpose, I guarantee you.
Natasha: Yeah, sure.
Fušia: So hey, is the camera rolling?
Natasha: How should I know?
Fušia: You're the rook, you're supposed to be in charge of that!
Natasha: What?! I am?!
Fušia: Nah, I'm just messing with you. Jeez, you're on edge today! Nervous about co-hosting Grilled Brie for 3 for the first time?
Natasha: No.
Fušia: Yeah, you are. Come on, you big baby, admit it.
Natasha: No, I'm not!
Fušia: Are too!
Natasha snaps and looks like she would like to shout the following, but instead hoarsely whispers it.Natasha:
I'm nervous because you've brought me to a fucking crackhouse in a foreign country!Fušia: Oh, you can't get crack here.
Natasha: Oh?
Fušia: Plenty of meth tho-
Natasha: Oh, my god.
Fušia: I'm kidding! I think.
Natasha: Why in the hell are we here?
Fušia: I told you, we're meeting an old friend of mine.
Natasha: At a shady little coffee shop with a broken window? In the middle of Novikov, a country that neither of us have ever been to?
Fušia: Psh, I've read, like, factbooks and stuff.
Natasha: Oh, good.
Fušia: Well, once you tone down that sarcasm, we can start the show.
Natasha: Why, is the camera rolling?
Fušia: No.
Natasha: Oh. Okay. Yeah, just... give me a second to collect myse-
Fušia: Wait, just kidding, it is rolling.
Natasha: Dear god.
Fušia: What did I tell you? Doesn't matter who's hosting it; this show always blows big time.
Natasha: Um... welcome to Grilled Brie for 3, everyone! I'm your brand-new host, Natasha Klossovskaya...
Fušia: And I'm your much-more-familiar host, Fušia Oujadda. Today on the program we are going to buy some weed from an old friend of mine here in the nation of Novikov.
Pause.Natasha: You're joking.
Fušia: Nope.
Natasha: You've been pulling my leg all day, I know you're joking.
Fušia: No, I am not joking. We are actually here to purchase marijuana from a former acquaintance.
Natasha: No. We're not doing that.
Fušia: He's already on his way.
Natasha: Is weed even legal here in Novikov?
Fušia: Pretty sure it isn't.
Natasha: Oh my god. You are so irresponsible!
Fušia: It's just weed, will you just calm down for one second? Christ. Look, I guarantee you'll feel much better after we smoke you out.
Natasha: NO. Out of the question.
Fušia: You're doing it, rook.
Natasha: No! God, what is this, a scene from
Training Day?
Fušia: First of all, it's
Training Night, idiot. Jeez, are you from New Montreal States or something? Or maybe like a weird non-NS multiverse or something? Second of all, that's a great movie, isn't it? Third of all, yes you are going to smoke weed, rook. Tonight.
Natasha: I'm leaving.
Fušia: No, you're not.
Natasha: Yes, I am!
Fušia: No, you're not, you are hosting Grilled Brie for 3 with me, and that is a big responsibility! What would Peregrina say? Also, I have your monorail ticket, so good luck just taking off.
Pause. Natasha sits back down, but won't make eye contact with Fušia.Fušia: Aw, are you mad?
Pause.Fušia: Baby Natasha is mad at me, aww.
Pause.Fušia: Are you gonna pout all night, Natty Ice?
Pause.Fušia: I made up that nickname for you the other night.
Pause.Fušia: You know what Natty Ice is, right? Just Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about.
Pause.Fušia: Oh, come off it, Natasha. We have to do this show at some point, and we have nothing to do for an hour, so just... deal with it. Start talking.
Natasha: What?
Fušia: You're way brattier than I thought you would be. That's kind of adorable.
Natasha: Okay, whatever. If you really want to do the show, then let's do the show. Let's talk about something
actually football-related.Fušia: Okay, like what?
Natasha: Like, let's predict who's going to win each of the groups in qualifying like everybody else is doing!
Fušia: Ish, no.
Natasha: What? Why not?
Fušia: Because, the only people who do group predictions are total retards. Like, NMS-style retards.
Natasha: Wow, you're coming down hard on them today.
Fušia: I know, I am. You think I should see someone about it?
Natasha: No, it's probably nothing. I mean, even I hate NMS a little tiny bit, and I'm like the nicest girl of all time.
Fušia: Yeah, you are.
Natasha: Which is why I will not be participating in any marij-
Fušia: You still have to do that. Peregrina told me specifically that she wants to see you baked off your ass, on videotape.
Pause.Natasha: I'll bargain with you. You can smoke me out tonight, but no videotape.
Fušia: Deal. I knew that would work. You're so gullible; Peregrina didn't say anything about wanting to see you baked.
Natasha: Oh god, what have I agreed to?
Fušia: Drink some more coffee. Did you forget we're in a coffee shop?
Natasha: Really? I thought we were in a meth lab.
Fušia: Yeah, I did imply that you could buy meth here...
Natasha: But you-
Fušia: ...and you probably can.
Natasha: Okay. Is the show over yet?
Fušia: Heck no! We can't end this festering turd of a web TV show without talking about boys' penises! This, by the way, is something that Peregrina actually did tell me we had to do.
Natasha: Well, that sure sounds like her.
Fušia: I know, right? For being a lesbian she sure talks about the peen a lot.
Natasha: The peen?
Fušia: So, Baby Natasha... who is actually twenty-two years old, so don't any of you pervs out there get too excited... which boy's penis would you like to talk about on today's program?
Natasha: Isn't this, like, a family show or something?
Fušia: Are you kidding me? I once took out Timo Skye with a folding chair on this show. If any parents saw their kids watching that, they'd knit a quilt and hang it over their computer screens.
Natasha: Huh?
Fušia: Which boy's penis would you li-
Natasha: I don't want to talk about penises on the show.
Fušia: Too bad! Peregrina told me we had to. How about Eduard Winogradsky's? Everybody thinks you two are totally going at it. I mean, why would that come as a surprise? You came up through the FKM youth academy together, meaning you've known each other for forever, and plus you two are like, the exact same age. Perfect match! And now you're both in the starting eleven of the K&P national football team!
Natasha: It's precisely because we've known each other for forever that there is NOTHING going on between me and Eduard. He's like my brother.
Fušia: Really? Why are there pictures of you two walking around Chadan together?
Natasha: Because we are really good friends! But it's TOTALLY platonic! I can't stress enough that I have never seen Eduard Winogradsky's penis, nor will I ever.
Fušia: You have made out with him, though, right?
Natasha: NO!
Fušia: Okay, okay, I'll lay off. Sorry, that was kind of beneath me, but somebody has to fill Peregrina's shoes!
Natasha: I guess.
Fušia: We do still have to get you hooked up with somebody, though.
Natasha: What?
Fušia: Seriously, like every boy in the world is completely in love with you! You have to pick one of them! Here, I have an idea. For this World Cup cycle, let's try to bring cute boys on the program and see if you want to go out with any of them. We'll call it the "Win a Date with Natasha Klossovskaya" portion of the show. Come on, it'll be really simple, and if you don't like any of them, you can just turn all of them down and be single until you're 68 and old and wrinkly.
Pause.Natasha: This was all Peregrina's idea, wasn't it?
Fušia: To the letter. Including the "old and wrinkly" part.
Pause. Natasha sighs.Natasha: All right, fine.
Fušia: Hooray! See, I told you this show blows. It's just the worst. Especially for the hosts. It's a burden, not a privilege. It just takes a while to find out.
Natasha: Great.
Fušia: Oh, hey, now for the good part of the show!
Natasha: Why, what are we going to do now?
Fušia: Buy weed from that guy who just walked in!
Natasha: Oh, fuck me.
Indeed, an extremely
shady-looking character has just slouched into view in the background, leering at other occupants of the coffee shop and just generally making them very uncomfortable. Wearing a beat up, 1990s-era winter jacket, he looks to be either searching for a place to sleep for the night or for Fušia. It turns out to be the latter, as he sees them hiding in the booth and stumbles over to them. Natasha curls as far back against the wall as possible during the whole altercation.Fušia: Hello, Timotej! How are you, old pal?
Timotej: Egheigheahghegh...
Fušia: Sweet, me too.
Timotej: Egheigheehgiegh... eeyoo weaghigh 'ant to bueighe... buy some egheihgiheghiegh... Hog?
Fušia: Hog would be lovely! Thank you so much for offering, Timotej! What varieties do you have on tap today?
Natasha: Oh my god. I don't want to be here right now. I REALLY don't want to be here right now.
Timotej: I got some eieghiagihgiagh... Emperor Hog, you eieghaghagh... interested?
Fušia: Totally! Hook me up with some of that dank Emperor Hog!
Timotej casually pulls out a beaten-up plastic baggy full of a lime-green powder which appears to consist of crushed prescription tablets. He waves it tantalizingly in the air in front of Natasha's face. She cringes.Natasha: Oh dear god, please get me through this...
Fušia: Nice! How much do you want for that?
Timotej: Seventy eaeighiegh... seventy Oceanian Pounds, please.
Fušia: Damn, dude, that's a bargain! I'll take it.
Fušia forks over some of Novikov's local currency and receives the shitty little baggy in exchange.Fušia: Thanks, old buddy!
Timotej proceeds to stumble back out of the coffee shop, drooling on himself as he does so.Natasha: That shit is NOT weed.
Fušia: Come on, be flexible.
Natasha: The deal is off. I will not touch that shit with a ten foot pole.
Fušia: Yes, you will.
Natasha: We have a match tomorrow night!
Fušia: Yeah, against a team that couldn't make it out of its Baptism of Fire group! Relax, this is going to be a blast!
Natasha: Give me my fucking monorail ticket. I am out of here.
Natasha stands up and heads for the door, nervously looking around to see if Timotej is lurking anywhere.Fušia: Oh, come on, Natasha! Natasha! Ugh. All right, everyone. This is Fušia Oujadda signing off on this edition of Grilled Brie for 3! On next week's show, we'll tell you how good this Emperor Hog stuff is!