Intercontinental Ballistic Baseball hits Max Barry

[Cogitation]

A batter playing in a game at Euclid Stadium in Cogitation City hit a home run baseball that flew on a suborbital trajectory out of the Democratic States and into The Borderlands of Maxtopia, hitting head of state Max Barry in the head and rendering him unconscious. The batter responsible tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs and was subsequently expelled from the Cogitation National Baseball League; he is now awaiting trial on charges of using Substances Jeopardizing Human Health.

Quote the President of the Democratic States: "I am beginning to question the wisdom of the economic stimulus package that had us start manufacturing high-durability baseballs so high-durability that they can survive planetary re-entry. Also, how anyone walks around with muscles that thick without being suspected of steroids up the wazzoo is beyond me. STOP BLOCKING MY OFFICE DOOR SO THAT I CAN GET IN, YOU IDIOT REPORTER!"

...and so was the first International Incident on the new forums.

--The Jovial States of Cogitation
"Laugh about it for a moment."
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester

[Scolopendra]

The Federated Segments of Scolopendra cannot tolerate this obvious act of aggression against the state of Maxtopia, performed under the guise of simple sport. What the international community can not forget is that a national leader was brutally concussed without warning or recompense and the Jovial States so far show absolutely no remorse for the actions committed within his borders, beyond a show trial for the "perpetrator." A perpetrator obviously armed with government-funded equipment, as so brazenly admitted by the President of the Jovial States.

As a result, all leaves are canceled for the Aerospace Directorate and the Mobile Infantry. The Scolopendran Military Services are now to consider themselves on alert in preparation for defensive maneuvers.

PseudoEmperor Julius M. Razak
Executive Officer
Federated Segments of Scolopendra

[Cetaganda]

Normally I'd say that Razak is overreacting, but quite frankly baseball is boring as hell and it'd probably do everyone a bit of good if their stadiums were bombed from orbit anyways. I mean, honestly - running around in circles after whacking things with a bat? Where's the strategy? Where's the physical contact? Where's the bloodshed? Only thing worse is cricket, in my opinion.

So yeah, as of this moment the entire Sol sector fleet is on alert... or it will be, one I remember how this new email system works and I can tell them to do their alerty-stuff.

Gregor V,
Emperor of Cetaganda and Slightly Disgruntled Overlord of Ravenspire

[Scolopendra]

"Slightly disgruntled?" My esteemed lord, historic enemy, and perhaps current friend, who has put you in such a state? Would cleaving them in twain make you feel better, or would you rather they continue to grate upon you so you can become stronger from resisting the urge to order me to cleave them in twain?"

~Scythe of Darwin Loknar, sub-overlord of Yamada and Brigadier of the First Yamadan Dragoons

[Cetaganda]

The problem, my dear ex-nemesis, is that our entire nation seems to have spent several months not existing, and yet with no apparent effect. Furthe more, most of history have vanished, while other chunks now reappear at random. I can remember both not-existing - which itself should be impossible, on account of non-existence meaning no brain and thus no memory - and what I had for breakfast yesterday. Our flag has randomly changed into some odd four-starred thing.

In short, I have a headache, and while I would very much like you to find out who is responsible and cleave them in two, I fear the answer can only be some sort of god-like being and thus the command would be futile. Still, if I find someone more corporeal to be annoyed at, rest assured you will be the first I contact.

Gregor V
Emperor of Cetaganda and Ruler of Ravenspire (And the Decapitated Land of Foyayu-Rusodio or Whatever It Was Called)

[Scolopendra]

Ah, but recall Zarathustra's lament: "Could it be possible! This old saint in the forest hath not yet heard of it, that God is dead!" Of course, he was speaking of God's inability to act as a moral agent or even a particularly powerful moral motivator in a world enlightened by reason and science, where the God of thunderstorm and fire was revealed to be nothing more than Nature, stochastically semi-predictable in mathematical chaos, but I'm certain that through sufficient will I can make it real enough--or die laughing at the attempt. It's only through reasoned hubris that we excel, after all, no?

Not only that, but sawing a godlike being in half would be quite the feather in my cap. I could even put the feather through the bullet-hole in my ear to accentuate the image.

~Loknar

[Cetaganda]

The general problem with killing god-like beings is that it invariably causes other god-like beings to look askance at you. Once you phaser one into non-existence, or saw them in half as you seem wont to do, the rest will start wondering if they might be next on your list and perhaps take measures to insure that a god-killer quickly becomes an dead god-killer. Of course, being dead isn't what it used to be these days, and the afterlife may well be the best position from which to launch an attack on gods. So by all means, feel free to hunt one down and saw it in half. Just don't be surprised when you're gnawed to death by man-eating asteroids or bombarded with c-fractional gerbils.

Gregor V
Emperor of Cetaganda, and Man Who Wonders What One Does With Thirty Million Heads

[Scolopendra]

You sound almost as if you're speaking from experience, Gregor. This wouldn't be one of your "Mister Tricorder" stories, would it?

~Loknar

[Cetaganda]

Yes. No. Maybe? Hell, I don't know. One minute I'm making voices with a tricorder because it amuses the sprog, the next I keep dreaming I'm a science officer on a Beagle-like exploration ship. Damned fractal stuff, why do we even bother paying for HELLSING....

Commander Ben Fraser,
Science Officer, USS EAGLE NCC-1710

Wait a tick....

[Sirocco]

As due representative of the Holy Hippocracy of Sirocco and colonies, I am compelled to report that our citizens witnessed the ball shooting across our sky at the time of the incident. Not forgetting this incursion of our airspace, we are most offended that this event occured as it upset a great deal many of our loyal subjects. Believing this airborne object to be an omen of dread misfortune, the people started a cult which has been spreading across the lands seeding discontent with the incumbent government - and much to our chagrin. We wish to file an official complaint against the nation of Cogitation for allowing this gross negligence to happen.

-- King Siroc

[Chimaea]

The lights switched on and Lady Bryce winced at the sudden glare.

"Hey, I was watching Buffy, you know. You can't interrupt me when I'm watching Buffy."

General de Santuro stared at the silently flickering images on the wall screen and said pointedly, "The sound's off."

"I said I was watching, not listening. What do you want?"

"It's quite urgent, actually. Apparently someone hit Max Barry with a baseball."

"...And?"

"And? And? It's Max Barry!"

"Who's Max Barry?"

General de Santuro blinked a few times. "...Who's..."

"...Max Barry?" Lady Bryce prompted, helpfully.

"Well... what? It's Max Barry! You know..." he looked up towards the ceiling meaningfully. "Max Barry."

Lady Bryce followed his gaze up, frowing. "The... ceiling repairman?"

"No!"

"Something to do with the chandeliers?"

"No!"

"God?"

"No! Well... not as such. I can't believe this. How can you not know Max Barry? He created Nationstates!"

Lady Bryce peered up at him worriedly. "Which nation state?"

"What? All of them!"

"He created all nation states?"

"Yes!"

"Do you need some time off?"

"Ye--no! Look, in the beginning was Jennifer Government--"

"Who?"

The General gestured, trying to create an entire novel out of thin air. "It was... very capitalist... and there were barcodes... And Nike..."

"Barcodes on shoes?"

"I can't believe you don't know Max Barry."

"Repeating yourself is not going to help. Is he important?"

No, he's not.

"No, he's not." replied the General, looking puzzled.

"What?"

In fact, forget all about it. You're not allowed to break the fourth wall.

"Erm... what was I saying?"

Lady Bryce looked confused. "Erm... something... about... four walls?"

General de Santuro nodded vaguely, then turned and walked out of the Governor's office, closing the door behind him. Lady Bryce shook her head as if to dislodge a thought, then turned back to the wall screen and turned it off.

It wasn't as if she even liked Buffy.

[Leocardia]

"Psh... Figures. Max Barry deserved that baseball in his face." Vice President Juchio Kazumi said after hearing the news.

Three minutes later...

HEADLINE NEWS: Vice President Juchio Kazumi assassinated!

Bullets rippled through the windows of Juchio Kazumi, Vice President
of the UWRL, house three minutes after he voiced his opinions on
how 'well-deserving' Max Barry was being hit by a baseball by an unknown
gunman. The Leocardian Secret Police will further investigate in this
issue...

[Ardchoille]

SNAPPY HEADLINE HEREY PLS

The world's journalists held a minute's silence yesterday to mark the official deletion of the Democratic States of Cogitation from the international Freedom of the Press register.

The decision pushed the organisation's Global Oppression Clock one minute closer to midnight.

It is only the third time this forum [SUBS: Check this. Must mean "century", surely?] that a democratic country has been removed from the register. The President of the International Confederation of Journalists (ICJ), Ms Maxine Berry, said the action had been taken only after prolonged debate.

"It is with heavy hearts that we cross Cogitation off the roll of Information Nations," Ms Berry, 42, said.

"Journalists have long regarded the DSC as a shining light of freedom, a leader in the cause of ensuring that the Press can fulfil its respected role as the watchdog of human rights.

"But the incident with the President was the last straw. At a time of national and international tension, in the wake of an event so fraught with significance that it is vital to the well-being of the public to have a fully informed media, that a Head of State should churlishly ignore the principles that he was elected to uphold is simply Not On." [SUBS: Pls translate, third person, short words. QUERY: Does Cogitation hold elections? Check Wiki.]

Ms Berry said the journalist involved had been given counselling ... [SUBS: Cut at will, but keep "failed" par so the bastards can't say we're biased.]

The office of the President of the Democratic States of Cogitation failed to return calls yesterday.

Meanwhile, political commentators have called for the President's impeachment, the blogosphere ignited with seconds of the announcement and our readers have called for the resignation of the Mayor [SUBS: WHAT?] ... (see P 3)

[Katganistan]

Katerina Cattiva, Supreme Queen of Katganistan, looks up from her midmorning cup of nepeta tea.

"You all worry too much. It was an accident, not a terrorist attack. Look, it even says on the back of the tickets that you release the stadium from all responsibility for injuries incurred while watching a game...." She takes another sip, and smiles, a mellow look coming over her as she visibly relaxes even more.

A wicked gleam comes into her eyes, and she picks up a stylus in her slender, graceful hands, her perfectly manicured nails curving around it. You can see her doodling notes about balls and various materials they might be made from in the future.

[Kryozerkia]

The overly superstitious monks of Max gathered in Kerzokoia's Revolution Square. There were hundreds of them. They had come from their various temples and places of worship. The monks were simple folks. They wore black robes, and kept their hair tied up. They were headed by a fanatical monk who had long flowing grey hair. This monk stood in the middle of the group. He was their leader.

"Baseballs anger the Great Max! We must outlaw baseball in all its sinful forms! We have allowed ourselves to be lured into this devil's trap! We cannot let this go on any longer. We must outlaw this heinous sport lest we find ourselves suffering at the hands of the Great Max. To continue this sinful sport would be to anger the Great Max!"

The crowd of monks rabbled in agreement.

Meanwhile, in a building not too far from this square; in the Kryozerkian Parliament, the prime minister stood at the window. He was watching the demonstration from his office. He could hear everything clearly. How he longed to clear those fanatics out of the square.

"It's your fault for not listening to us when we said to make up a new superstition and spread it among the monks..." one of his advisers remarked candidly.

The prime ministered sighed and glanced over his shoulder. "Oh and tell them that public rallies anger 'the Great Max'?"

[Vaarshire]

The Prince of Vaarshire was sitting at his desk when his trustworthy aide Sam came in, bringing the Vaarshire Times. "Your Highness, there is some interesting news from Cogitation."

"From where?" The Prince asked. He rummaged through his desk drawers to find an atlas.

"Cogitation. It's, er... well, I'm not sure," Sam said. "And sir, I wouldn't try the atlas. You had a seizure last time you tried to decipher the World Map."

"Right. Well, let's see the paper," said the Prince. "'Swine Flu eradicated globally, over 9 million pigs dead in Porcine Holocaust'? What does that have to do with anything?"

"The article on the bottom, sir," said Sam.

BASEBALL ACHIEVES SUPERSONIC SPEEDS, RENDERS MAX BARRY UNCONSCIOUS
Dr. Saint Sir Max Barry, PhD, DFA, DBA, DDS, who is the reigning Miss(ter) Vaarshire, was knocked out by a baseball hit from a park in the Jovial States of Cogitation. The hitter tested positive for every anabolic steroid known to man and several that are unknown. The baseball achieved speeds far greater than any radar gun can measure and achieved suborbital velocity before re-entering the atmosphere and entering the airspace of the reclusive Holy Land, Maxtopia, and hitting it's leader squarely on its head. Several religions have proclaimed that the apocalypse is nigh, dozens of stock markets have crashed, and the WA is now considering declaring baseballs to be Weapons of Mass Destruction. Jan van Nijke, imprisoned former CEO of Vaarshire Steel, praised Barry for his "wonderful books on economic theory", and hopes he makes a "speedy recovery". The Vaarshire Baseball Associaction has suspended operations for the resty of the season, while the Vaarshire Cricket Federation released a statement saying "Suck it, baseball."
---
"Darn. I like baseball," said the Prince. "Sam, send Dr. Saint Sir Barry a 'Get Well Soon' card, and have Vaarliament sign it, won't you?"

"Yes, sir." Sam left.

The Prince pulled out His Majesty's Cell Phone and called the Grand Marshall of the Royal Vaar Armed Forces. "Hi Greg. I have decided that from now on, all members of the Armed Forces need to know how to play baseball. Oh, and vector physics would be a plus. Or at least teach them trajectories." The Prince hung up, pulled out a Ten Eyck Tigers baseball cap, put it on and laughed maniacially.

[Dimoniquid]

OOC: For the first, that's pretty cool!

[Ardchoille]

Locked owing to an outbreak of Zombieism in all relevant capitals capitols BIG TOWNS.