"It's all sevens and threes," Aziraphale said with his usual fascination, "I mean, Seven Sins, Seven Virtues, Seven Dwarfs, Three Bears, Rule of Three, the Trinity. All that stuff. Seven archangels. Maybe. Enoch says so."
"Hmm?" she asked.
"Enoch," Aziraphale replied, "The Book of. The Bible. Ever read it? Terribly interesting. They got a lot of things wrong."
"Is that thing with Jesus?" she said, not finding it "terribly interesting" at all.
"Well, yes, sometimes. You're not in it."
"Huh?"
"I said, you're not in it. Don't know why. You were everywhere back then. Humans are odd like that, they only write things down if it's out of place. Murder? Everywhere. The murdered standing up again and asking for a cup of tea? Happens only about once, twice a decade. Interesting. Write it down. They never stop to think that, one day, they might get wiped out and then the angels studying them won't know how they went to the bathroom.
Inconsiderate. Sort of."
Lust nodded, then shrugged. Aziraphale was perfectly dull at times - well, most of the time, really. Occasionally he said something profound, but it quickly became boring again. Angels; dry bastards, the whole lot. Really onl worth keeping around for the whole "divine perfection" thing.
If you asked Lust, they got one thing perfect, and it probably wasn't something the Pope would be willing to discuss.
But not Aziraphale. He was really rather stubborn like that. A month in and, still, nothing. He was painfully, well, angelic.
"Where do you want to go tonight?" she said, really just wanting to change the subject.
"...Go?" Aziraphale said with a blink.
"Yes,
go," Lust sighed, "It's a
date. You
go to places."
"Yes, but," Aziraphale said thoughtfully, "the Library is a place."
"But we're already
here," Lust said, throwing her arms up in exasperation.
Aziraphale wrinkled his brow and stared off into the distance, his soul completely absorbed with thought.
"This..." he began hesitantly, contemplating the finer details, "...is true. An astute observation."
"Do you ever turn
this off?" Lust grumbled.
"Turn what off?" Aziraphale asked, "All of my lights are candles. I suppose I could blow them out, but then we would not be able to see."
"
Angels," she groaned. They were always so goddamn
literal.
"If you wish to go elsewhere," Aziraphale began to offer, "I know of a quaint demon village that I have been asking Raphael for permission to visit for several decades. I'd say it's against the rules, but I doubt that would have much of an impact on your decision."
"Has anyone,
anyone, in that village been alive for the past three centuries?" Lust demanded.
"...No," Aziraphale admitted, "but, when you walk through the ashen plains and examine the old building, it
feels..."
"
Shut the fuck up!" Lust snapped, "Lucifer fucking Morningstar, angels are
insufferable."
"This is not true," Aziraphale replied in his usual soothing tones -it wasn't exactly monotone, but it never displayed any emotion beyond a quiet enthusiasm,"Many suffer through angels in Heaven."
"
Fuck," she swore, before grabbing the angel and pulling him into a deep kiss. Most men would have stopped talking at that moment and moved on, so to speak.
Instead, Aziraphale waited for Lust to stop to take a breath (a purely symbolic gesture) and wiped his mouth clean.
"Your lipsticks tastes like plastic," he noted, "Is it from Earth?"
Lust huffed and, suddenly, the two were gone.
"I do not understand," Aziraphale said, eying his beer suspiciously. Lust had bought it for him, and though he wasn't sure what it was, he knew it was probably bad. Things only bubbled when they were bad, like witch cauldrons.
"It's not very
hard," Lust spat. For once, she did not mean that as an innuendo.
"But, why would one subject themselves to 'karaoke'?" the angel questioned.
"It's
fun," she answered. OK, she probably meant
that as an innuendo.]
"I find this difficult to believe," he said, as puzzled as one can be in such a small spectrum of emotions.
"Look, someone's starting," she said hurriedly, pointing Az' attention to the stage.
At this moment, the entire club went dark, except for a spotlight that was shone on the stage. From the shadows emerged a jean-clad (and, basically, only jean-clad) man wearing a cowboy hat and star-shaped glasses. On the other side,
a man who looked like an elephant appeared. Each carried microphones and each turned to view the screen on which the lyrics were displayed.
"
I really can't stay," replied the elephant in a high, dainty voice that might come out of a fairy.
"
Baby, it's cold outside," the man in jeans began in a deep, melodious voice unexpected form his body.
"
I've got to go away."
"
Baby, it's cold outside."
"
This evening has been..."
"
Been hopin' ye'd drop in."
"
So very nice..."
"
I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice."
"
My mother will start to worry."
"
Beautiful, what's your hurry?"
"
My father will be pacing the floor."
"
Listen to the fireplace roar."
"
So, really, I'd better scurry."
"
Beautiful, please don't hurry."
"
Maybe just half a drink more..."
"
Put on some records while I pour..."
Ganesh and Lewis swung closer to the rhythm, giving each other rather suggestive glances.
"
The neighbors might think..."
"
Baby, it's bad out there."
"
Say, what's in this drink?"
"
No cabs to be had out there."
"
I wish I knew how..."
"
Your eyes are like starlight now."
"
To break this spell..."
"
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SEEING," Aziraphale cried in horror, "
THIS IS THE WORST THING."
"
I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell."
"
I ought to say no, no, no..."
"
Mind if I move in closer?"
"
At least I can say that I tried..."
"
What's the sense in hurting my pride?"
"
I really can't stay..."
"
Baby, don't hold out..."
"
Ah, but it's cooooooold oooooooutsiiiiiiiiiiide!"
"This is hilarious," Lust cackled, downing a margarita in one gulp.
"
I've got to go home."
"
Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there."
"I... I.." Aziraphale stammered.
"
Say, lend me your coat."
"
It's up to your knees out there."
"Are... are you doing this?" Aziraphale questioned, wide-eyed.
"
You've been really grand..."
"
Your eyes are like starlight now.."
"Nah," Lust snickered, "that's the best part. I don't even have to now."
"
But don't you see.."
"
How can you do this thing to me?"
"Humans," she said, "quick learners."
"
There's bound to be talk tomorrow..."
"
Think of my life long sorrow."
"
At least there will be plenty implied..."
"You are
evil," Aziraphale stuttered, abject terror overwhelming his senses.
"
I really can't stay..."
"
Baby, it's cold outside."
"Yeah, kinda'," Lust said with a shrug.
"We must go!" Aziraphale screamed as a hat flew into the crowd. He vanished. Lust rolled her eyes and disappeared herself.
"Hey, Al," Minh said, pointing to the table where the two had sat, "Did you see that?"
"All I see is a blonde having one too many shots..." Crowley replied with his usual charm.
"No, I thought I saw..." Minh began, "Wait... what the
fuck is Lewis doing?"
"This is far more interesting than any bimbo," Crowley laughed, "I mean, in a horrifying way."
Aziraphale and Lust appeared back in the Library, just next to the door.
"I suppose you'll be going now," he said, reaching for the knob. Lust stepped in front of him, blocking his hand.
"Baby, it's cold outside," she said, smiling coyly.
"Well, no, actually," Aziraphale responded, "It's rather warm out at the moment."
Lust pressed her finger to the angel's lips and winked.
And what happened next, my friends, is another story for another time.